NaRe, Final
Jan. 1st, 2010 02:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/5629204/1/The_Adventures_of_Mark_Pokemon_Trainer
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and "Sinnoh". "Saga" similarly comes in at a hundred.
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Don't switch between past and present tense.
"Bulbasaur is a Grass and Poison type that balanced between offensive power and defensive power, learning moves like Vine Whip and Leech Seed. Grass and Poison types were known for being both powerful and defensive at the same time. Mark liked that it could hit hard and defend itself at the same time, but the dual type meant Bulbasaur had more weakness than the other two.
Charmander is a Fire type known for its speed and power. Fire Pokémon were known for their offensive power, leaving painful burns on their opponents. Charmander learns powerful moves like Ember and Dragon Rage, but is also a rather frail Pokémon. Mark liked the power, but he wanted a Pokémon that could take as much as it could give.
Squirtle is a Water type with a hard shell few attacks could penetrate. Water types are known for their flexibility in battle, like a stream flowing around a rock. Squirtle learns moves like Withdraw and Protect, but hit with less power than Charmander and Bulbasaur. Mark didn’t like defensive fighting. All the opponent had to do was find one opening and he’d lose."
You know, I keep seeing variations of this and it just gets more annoying each time.
Let's start with the fact this is supposedly Mark's thoughts, and he's having trouble deciding. He doesn't want a frail pokemon and he doesn't want a defensive pokemon. So he's not having trouble deciding, because the only possible choice is bulbasaur.
Next, let's jump into that it's not even that accurate. No, grass and poison types are not known for that. Grass and poison is extremely common and covers a lot of pokemon, many with absolutely crappy special defense, while missing a lot of others, many of which are much better tanks. Just because bulbasaur is grass and poison and also has that particular stat layout does not mean you should start going on about how this is true about all pokemon with that type. Hell, it doesn't even matter - I mean, would the decision change if it was "grass and poison types weren't normally like this, but bulbasaur was"?
The charmander blurb has similar issues, but it all pales before the idea water types are famed for their flexibility. I mean, seriously. We've got enough of them, I'd think you'd have noticed at some point that they're more famed for their lack of it. It doesn't even make any sort of deep metaphorical sense, given you're talking about it in the context of a turtle. A turtle that is even slower than bulbasaur, I might add.
Instead of taking the time to repeat (incorrect) general factoids about the pokemon, you could have spent the space talking about what Mark thought of them, including factors that have nothing to do with general stat layout but would be important for actually owning one, like whether or not you actually like the pokemon in question, and, if you want to do something really out of the box, a consideration of what other pokemon are around instead of acting like his starter was required by law to be the primary pokemon on his team. For example, if there are plenty of grass types about, then maybe he'd pick charmander, because despite its overall defensive abilities being lacking, it'd be better able to protect him from the wild pokemon early on and he can easily catch a grass type to use in place of a bulbasaur.
"It was orange with a yellow chest and stomach, and had a small ridge of spines going down its back. “That’s Charmander,” Oak said. "
No. No it is not.
...and now they're being shocked and amazed by the idea the pokemon do things like walk around. You know, when people see puppies their first response is not "My goodness, they are acting as if they are actually alive and not static pixels on my gameboy screen!" Your characters are not gameplayers, they live in a world where pokemon are commonplace.
...and now he's picking a charmander despite not wanting a frail pokemon. See, if you'd done it any other way, I wouldn't mind, but that's because the general sueness algorithm is that wanting a fancy special pokemon and then realizing the less impressive one is nicer is less sueish, and having every practical reason to want the less impressive one but the fancy special popular one JUST HAPPENS to come over and like you is more sueish. At least now I know why you were having him waffle about which pokemon he wanted despite the fact his stated criteria made bulbasaur the clear choice, it's because you were trying to set things up so you could justify a charmander anyway.
A pokemon that doesn't like to go in its pokeball. How original. However did you think up that one.
...and now he's losing his first battle only because the other pokemon knows a special move.
Your writing is mechanically pretty good and I'll give you credit that the actual descriptions of how the pokemon behave were all quite cute and nice details. But it doesn't save this from being pretty much the same thing as every other OT fic, especially when your main character has an uphill battle just to be considered cardboard.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5629439/1/This_Christmas
"a little late for X-mas yeah yeah i know. too bad "
The real tragedy is you couldn't wait longer. Do you have any idea how many Christmas fics people have posted this month?
Don't use multiple exclamation marks.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Don't center your story text.
Yes. Posted on the thirty-first, well after midnight. THEY DON'T STOP THEY DON'T STOP THEY DON'T STOP.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5629446/1/Lucius_Rising_Sunset
"Rising Sunset"? Seriously? Is this being crossposted from Serebii?
Vulpix are more red than orange, and the shiny version more yellow than orange.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
"Diane, Lucius’ mother, didn’t want to live for a thousand years. She didn’t want to watch as her friends and mate died of old age while she went unaffected by the ravages of time. "
She has no ninetales friends? And she figures that her friends and mate are just desperate to watch her slowly die of old age?
"In order to maximize the learning each Pokémon would get, teachers would split up the students based on their primary types. Fire types like Lucius were graded in a unique way; a failing grade was a Miss, a below average was Burn, an average was Ember, a slightly higher than average was Flamethrower, and a mastery was Blast Burn."
This reads like you're just pulling up whatever nonsense you can think of to fill space.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5629455/1/Incase_You_Missed_It
In case is two words.
More endless dialogue by OCs sharing the names of some canon characters...
"And no yuri or yaoi…sorry!"
And now I hate you.
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and "Sinnoh". "Saga" similarly comes in at a hundred.
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Don't switch between past and present tense.
"Bulbasaur is a Grass and Poison type that balanced between offensive power and defensive power, learning moves like Vine Whip and Leech Seed. Grass and Poison types were known for being both powerful and defensive at the same time. Mark liked that it could hit hard and defend itself at the same time, but the dual type meant Bulbasaur had more weakness than the other two.
Charmander is a Fire type known for its speed and power. Fire Pokémon were known for their offensive power, leaving painful burns on their opponents. Charmander learns powerful moves like Ember and Dragon Rage, but is also a rather frail Pokémon. Mark liked the power, but he wanted a Pokémon that could take as much as it could give.
Squirtle is a Water type with a hard shell few attacks could penetrate. Water types are known for their flexibility in battle, like a stream flowing around a rock. Squirtle learns moves like Withdraw and Protect, but hit with less power than Charmander and Bulbasaur. Mark didn’t like defensive fighting. All the opponent had to do was find one opening and he’d lose."
You know, I keep seeing variations of this and it just gets more annoying each time.
Let's start with the fact this is supposedly Mark's thoughts, and he's having trouble deciding. He doesn't want a frail pokemon and he doesn't want a defensive pokemon. So he's not having trouble deciding, because the only possible choice is bulbasaur.
Next, let's jump into that it's not even that accurate. No, grass and poison types are not known for that. Grass and poison is extremely common and covers a lot of pokemon, many with absolutely crappy special defense, while missing a lot of others, many of which are much better tanks. Just because bulbasaur is grass and poison and also has that particular stat layout does not mean you should start going on about how this is true about all pokemon with that type. Hell, it doesn't even matter - I mean, would the decision change if it was "grass and poison types weren't normally like this, but bulbasaur was"?
The charmander blurb has similar issues, but it all pales before the idea water types are famed for their flexibility. I mean, seriously. We've got enough of them, I'd think you'd have noticed at some point that they're more famed for their lack of it. It doesn't even make any sort of deep metaphorical sense, given you're talking about it in the context of a turtle. A turtle that is even slower than bulbasaur, I might add.
Instead of taking the time to repeat (incorrect) general factoids about the pokemon, you could have spent the space talking about what Mark thought of them, including factors that have nothing to do with general stat layout but would be important for actually owning one, like whether or not you actually like the pokemon in question, and, if you want to do something really out of the box, a consideration of what other pokemon are around instead of acting like his starter was required by law to be the primary pokemon on his team. For example, if there are plenty of grass types about, then maybe he'd pick charmander, because despite its overall defensive abilities being lacking, it'd be better able to protect him from the wild pokemon early on and he can easily catch a grass type to use in place of a bulbasaur.
"It was orange with a yellow chest and stomach, and had a small ridge of spines going down its back. “That’s Charmander,” Oak said. "
No. No it is not.
...and now they're being shocked and amazed by the idea the pokemon do things like walk around. You know, when people see puppies their first response is not "My goodness, they are acting as if they are actually alive and not static pixels on my gameboy screen!" Your characters are not gameplayers, they live in a world where pokemon are commonplace.
...and now he's picking a charmander despite not wanting a frail pokemon. See, if you'd done it any other way, I wouldn't mind, but that's because the general sueness algorithm is that wanting a fancy special pokemon and then realizing the less impressive one is nicer is less sueish, and having every practical reason to want the less impressive one but the fancy special popular one JUST HAPPENS to come over and like you is more sueish. At least now I know why you were having him waffle about which pokemon he wanted despite the fact his stated criteria made bulbasaur the clear choice, it's because you were trying to set things up so you could justify a charmander anyway.
A pokemon that doesn't like to go in its pokeball. How original. However did you think up that one.
...and now he's losing his first battle only because the other pokemon knows a special move.
Your writing is mechanically pretty good and I'll give you credit that the actual descriptions of how the pokemon behave were all quite cute and nice details. But it doesn't save this from being pretty much the same thing as every other OT fic, especially when your main character has an uphill battle just to be considered cardboard.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5629439/1/This_Christmas
"a little late for X-mas yeah yeah i know. too bad "
The real tragedy is you couldn't wait longer. Do you have any idea how many Christmas fics people have posted this month?
Don't use multiple exclamation marks.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Don't center your story text.
Yes. Posted on the thirty-first, well after midnight. THEY DON'T STOP THEY DON'T STOP THEY DON'T STOP.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5629446/1/Lucius_Rising_Sunset
"Rising Sunset"? Seriously? Is this being crossposted from Serebii?
Vulpix are more red than orange, and the shiny version more yellow than orange.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
"Diane, Lucius’ mother, didn’t want to live for a thousand years. She didn’t want to watch as her friends and mate died of old age while she went unaffected by the ravages of time. "
She has no ninetales friends? And she figures that her friends and mate are just desperate to watch her slowly die of old age?
"In order to maximize the learning each Pokémon would get, teachers would split up the students based on their primary types. Fire types like Lucius were graded in a unique way; a failing grade was a Miss, a below average was Burn, an average was Ember, a slightly higher than average was Flamethrower, and a mastery was Blast Burn."
This reads like you're just pulling up whatever nonsense you can think of to fill space.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5629455/1/Incase_You_Missed_It
In case is two words.
More endless dialogue by OCs sharing the names of some canon characters...
"And no yuri or yaoi…sorry!"
And now I hate you.
no subject
Date: 2010-01-01 08:10 pm (UTC)Congrats, Far! Incidentally, you said "Next year, this will be a January thing", so I guess that means there won't be a NaRe in 2010 instead of optimistically hoping it could be for two months in a row. :D
no subject
Date: 2010-01-01 10:24 pm (UTC)I might change my mind again, but aside from having too much to do around Christmas (especially on the heels of NaNo), there's that there really isn't much point in reviewing dozens of Christmas fics.