More Exalted fic
Mar. 22nd, 2010 03:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/1931219/1/Circle_of_Nil
"The Threshold, south of Chiaroscuro. A small train of horses and a pair of wagons wound its way through the gullies and over hills. The wagons were empty now, but set to return laden with long delayed tribute. They had departed with the blessings of the ruler of Chiaroscuro, flowery, and ultimately meaningless, words. Not one of the visitors from the Blessed Isle wanted to be there. They were impatient to get on. None of the Exalted wanted this delay – only Maret. What else did she have but the largesse of her betters? "
Unfortunately, even rereading the paragraph several times, I can't figure out what "this delay" is. Truly the bane of this category is the wording.
And it's a failed dragonblooded main character. I appreciate the draw, but it'd be nice to at least see more subtlety about the characterization rather than charging right for the standard "it sucks I'm not one and double-sucks that they all look down on me". It is nice to see they're being practical and finding a way to use her anyway.
Her exaltation, unfortunately, comes off as terribly forced. It's not clear that she absolutely has to act or they're all doomed, because it's vague about the relative strength of the fae, so the exact trigger that gets her moving isn't clear. It ends up coming off as she decides to do it because once she exalts it'll be a good idea, and she exalts because she decides to do it.
Similarly kind of unimpressive to see yet another Solar immediately decide that yep, the stuff they've learned since early childhood isn't true and they're definitely not possessed by demons nope. It's pretty forgivable when they at least get past life memories in the deal, but otherwise you'd think there'd at least be some doubt. I mean...
"Then again, she didn't feel possessed. In fact, she felt more herself than she ever had. She could beat Ledaal Niloba in single combat! She even felt smarter, if such a thing were possible. And in her was no bloodlust, no desire to corrupt or destroy, no hatred of the Dragon-Blooded. "
So she's basically feeling drunk or high right now, which for a self-aware person would at least make them pause. As to bloodlust, she just jumped at a chance to beat up a fae - not evil, but definitely a lot more violent than she seemed to usually be. Finally, not only did she seem to resent the Dragonblooded to some extent because she's mortal and they're not, but she was instantly attacked by her friends, and now she's realizing that all the stuff they've said about anathema being possessed by demons is a lie designed to get her - and by extension all her past fellow exalts, who must have been just as innocent - killed. But now she's totally okay with them?
This is basically glossing over a lot of potentially interesting issues in favor of establishing the character as right and perfect. If this is meant to be purely her perspective on the matter (it is, after all, quite possible for someone who *is* drunk to insist they're not, and possible her newfound power and surety she's not demon-possessed could produce a sort of self-righteous sense that she doesn't have the slightest feeling of ill will toward the Dragonblooded) it'd be interesting, but it's matching up pretty exactly with the canon fact, so...
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1931219/2/Circle_of_Nil
Pretty good lead in about Varang
"They weren't three days on the road from Chiaroscuro before the Guild caravan she had started with began referring to her as the Honey- Tongued Devil, due to her uncanny skill in making money off even the most improbable transactions "
...Um, shouldn't that have been bad? You go on to say that yeah, it's totally her anathema powers that are letting her do these clearly inhuman feats of persuasion, and this is exactly one of the warning signs the Immaculates preach about. Shouldn't someone - like, say, one of the many coming out on the losing side of these bargains - be running off to report her, especially if it's so obvious a Guild member is willing to promote her, a random stranger, into the Guild? I was expecting the rest of the paragraph to be more "...and so she had to leave for another caravan before anyone became more suspicious and called the Wyld Hunt down on her head".
"At first just a mercenary, Nil's talents as a merchant quickly came to the fore when she would make deals with the Guild's merchants. By the time Varang was reached, Nil had amassed enough money to pay off her debt to Seyd, and then some, then struck out on her own as a full-fledged member of the Guild. With her new talents, she could navigate the bizarre Varangan culture with more ease than those who had been traveling there for years. She never mixed up a high-caste maker of vestments for a middle-cast seamstress. It was easy for her to pick up the proper signs and customs and phrases, and whenever Nil spoke, there was never any cause for offense "
...for someone so in tune to proper behavior she sure doesn't grasp the concept of subtlety. You'd think a Dynast would have a better idea of how well the Wyld Hunt works.
"In some ways, the moniker of Honey-Tongued Devil was more right than the carvaneers would probably ever know."
...lampshading.
It is nice to see someone so unconcerned about lying, though.
"spread a bit of gold around"
No...And later it's back to silver. Gold is really ingrained in fantasy settings, isn't it?
So the Wyld Hunts have basically collapsed? Meh, but at least it makes it a bit more reasonable she's running around like this.
Actually kind of cool that the other solar is a lot more knowledgeable than she is, even if I do wish people could be wrong about things they're sure of occasionally. The story seems to be picking up nicely.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1931219/3/Circle_of_Nil
"Into the shadowland came two children of the Unconquered Sun and the restless dead that made this dark place their home did not hinder them. One was a handsome young Southerner, barely more than a boy. His dark eyes were wild with suppressed fear, his dusky skin ashen, his thick black curly hair nearly on end. The other was a small woman in rich silks, a slim sword at her waist. Her lack of height aside, she was the perfect image of a citizen of the Blessed Isle, the center of the world. Black hair, fair skin, brown tilted eyes, strong nose, and full lips all combined in her rounded face to give her a certain sweet attractiveness. The young man's name was Golden Fortune, and once upon a time, the woman's name was Anjis Maret. But now, she called herself only Nil."
...did this start off as a series of linked short stories?
"She, of course, carried in her pack, the cask of black wood and orichalcum that had brought them in the first place."
Too many commas.
They seem oddly unsurprised by the Abyssal, just creeped out. You'd think they'd be curious or have their own ideas on it, especially with her claiming to be so similar to them.
And some past guy who knows something...Great Curse, maybe?
Golden Fortune's kind of a lightweight at social combat. It was just a bit of murder. Anyway, good resolution.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1931219/4/Circle_of_Nil
Meh, the POV switch was awkward and the backstory not really one that needed to be expanded.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1931219/5/Circle_of_Nil
"Last of the four was the monk with the unassuming name of Sparrow. He rode amongst the mortals but was not one of them, an Exalted monk of some kind. At least that was the impression the Singer got. Even under the most assiduous questioning, her spies were never able to tell her much about this man. It didn't matter, the Singer decided ultimately. He, too, would die. They would face three Solars, instead of just one, and die, for they would face the Solars alone. "
ARG idiot ball. There's only a couple types of exalted. If there's an exalt riding with the Wyld Hunt, he's openly a Dragonblooded, because Dragonblooded have no reason to hide who they are. If there's some guy who seems to be SECRETLY an exalt then either she'd know to guess Sidereal (and go OH FUCK) or she'd know this was something that should not be because as far as she knows it's Dragonblooded or nothing, and either way she'd know he was the last person to ignore. Dramatic irony with antagonists is something stories can go without.
"Truly, though, Niloba wasn't surprised little Maret had succumbed to the temptations of the Anathema. She was always striving so hard to fit in among her betters. Maret had been a truly exceptional mortal, and if her soul had been advanced enough, she would have been a truly formidable Dragon-Blood. But there were flaws within her, and Exaltation was not for her in this life. Niloba could see Maret would never have accepted her destiny, and so wasn't surprised that she took another avenue of power, probably inadvertently allowing herself to be destroyed. Maret had been a sweet and charming thing, but Ledaal Niloba would shed no tears when her lance pierced the demon's heart."
This is so joyously reasonable, it's a shame this sort of thing is restricted to the antagonists.
...and the zombies are randomly prophesying? I'd have guessed it was the Singer using them to tell him, but since he seems to be just going with it like this kind of thing happens normally...
A whole chapter spent on other characters. That was fun and something that I realize has been lacking in the past stories I've read.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1931219/6/Circle_of_Nil
"Linopa didn't want to ride into what she felt was an obvious trap, and was worried over what seemed to be an obsession. They were twins, and sometimes Niloba wondered at how Linopa didn't know her any better. This was no obsession, but a holy mission. "
Clever.
And now Golden Fortune's first age memories turn out to be flawed regarding the Sidereals! Shame it has to only come up when they're around someone who can set them right, but it's still good to see.
"Sparrow had Exalted young, and remained the same, but Tinch's Exaltation had come to him in old age, but granted him the vigor of the young. "
...too many 'but's.
Also LOL combat casting. Why's Tinch getting set up as a big deal if he hasn't even learned to cast Invulnerable Skin of Bronze before the battle starts?
Well, the resolution of all this feels a bit rushed, but it does resolve the plotlines nicely. I don't get the impression this was meant to actually be the end but it works out okay as one. Feels like a complete arc, at least.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2457822/1/Exalted_Journey_Through_the_Abyss
"The blood, her liquid of life that she needed to survive, was escaping in copious amounts through her quavering chest as well."
Someday, people will realize that purple prose and drama do not mix well.
"The small shard of glass she had used in battle was still gripped tightly in her right hand, cutting deep into her palm. Also to her right (though she could not see) was the warrior she had stabbed many times with her piece of window glass; he was sprawled out on the grassy hill, motionless, already dead. Still somewhere among the pool of corpses were five other evil men she had slain before being struck down. "
...glass doesn't do "stab" well. It's pretty brittle. Stabbing someone with a piece of glass, sure. Stabbing six presumably well armored men to death with the same piece...kind of getting silly.
Also I wouldn't think picking your potential Abyssals from the pool of people praying from death would work out well.
...okay, so he's randomly given her horns...
""My Lord," the Prince began as she walked behind him out of the lonely stone room, "Why have you given me such as name as 'Prince'? Won't that cause confusion among others?"
Walker in Darkness replied in an offhanded manner. "It may, but it most certainly doesn't matter. Though you are brave, strong, and have much potential, at your size, age, and gender, you will be hard pressed to find those who will obey your orders or listen to you and take you seriously. I gave you such a name to bring out your strength and your true ferocity.""
UGH. Because what the setting really needs is having it hammered in that women are so inferior to men that even when exalted they need to run around in drag to get mortals to obey them.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2457822/2/Exalted_Journey_Through_the_Abyss
...and now it's wacky hijinks time as, after NINE YEARS OF EXALTED LIFE we find the Prince running wild in the Mask of Winter's castle - I mean citadel - playing pranks on such staff members as the cook in revenge for him not cooking her extra eggs, because the Mask of Winters totally has a normal cook and people who have been exalted for nine years are totally expected to still be bratty kids. Also, she apparently can't just order the guy to give her the damn eggs. Guess the drag didn't work.
Apparently the Mask of Winters has been treating her like a precious daughter this whole time instead of actually using her. If kid exalts require this sort of massive investment, no one would bother with them in the first place. It's not like Creation is lacking in people being horribly killed.
"By now Soren had made his way out of the main building and into the citadel garden. He scanned the lush area for any trace of the Prince, but only found a few other Deathknights. They seemed to be performing various gardening tasks: Three recently exalted Deathknights were attempting to trim the tall blackened trees of the garden, while another, a man Soren immediately recognized, was hacking away violently at the man-sized shrubberies. He smiled and shook his head as he approached the oddball Abyssal.
"Now, I'm not much of a gardener, Mesher, but I don't think those are shrubs anymore."
Mesher, a wiry man of about six feet with a mohawk, ceased his brutal destruction of the greenery to respond to Soren. "Yeah, I got screwed over with this job. Me and those other three crock pot weenies got caught messin' in Canis' bedroom." He shook his head in disgust. "You'd never think that he'd get so pissy over a few missin' bed sheets and some drapes.""
This is just getting painful.
She's...crying over a rabbit. That MoW gave her. And now the ghost is comforting her that it's gone into *Lethe*. And the whole place hasn't been wiped out by a resonance eruption yet?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2826626/1/Tendo_Kiyadas_Last_Day
Tenses are an absolute mess.
"it takes a moment for the creaming in her head to subside"
Uh-huh.
"There had been a coo, the Empress killed the Emperor. Master of Shadows had tried to eliminate the children so there would be no heir to the thrown. "
You don't say.
There might be a decent story underneath all this, but I'm not sure it's worth the effort of digging.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5468393/3/A_Journey_of_My_Own
Other people have said a lot about mechanical problems, so I'll skip it.
I like having the focus be on a kid working with pokemon - it's exactly the sort of job that an aspiring trainer would want and it's interesting to hear about all by itself. But you don't really capitalize on it. The sections are jokey and skimmed over. A lot of this seems to be treading water, like it's just the basic frame of the story without going back over it. You don't really need the extensive background you give in the first chapter, and neither are the birthday presents here too interesting, especially as half of them are things people can just assume Gwen has, or learn about when she uses them on a journey. Generally, the reason to spend time focusing on something is when it's something that's an exception to what people expect. Having her brother send her a starting pokemon would be worth the time, but not for a reskinned pokedex.
This reads like an unfinished first draft. You need to get into the practice of going back over what you wrote, expanding interesting sections and cutting things that don't go anywhere. When I read the first chapter it seemed basically a standard OT beginning, even though you've actually got a number of unusual things going on (the daycare, the whole duplicate/legendary business) because there wasn't much focus - plotty stuff and mundanities seem to be given equal weight.
Also. In a fic, you generally want to aim for the bare minimum of stuff necessary for the plot. So if there isn't a point in stuff like "PokeMod 360 is a handheld game system that has internet and games that you can buy online." the story shouldn't focus on her getting it as a present.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2829455/1/From_the_Darkness_Into_the_Light
"An attractive Asian-looking man"
Um, no Asia.
"clad in a suit with starmetal pinstripes"
He's wasting starmetal on *that*?
"Yes, but there is a–situation–at the Cult's Sequestered Tabernacle training camp. There is an elder Abyssal there who, amazingly, desires very much to become a Solar."
Huh, yet more plot skipping. That seems to be a really common feature of all this - it takes place at some point where the characters have got to the point they've read the sourcebooks. It ends up making things feel awkward storywise, because there's no clear sense of how the characters worked it out or exactly how much they know, it's just generally "the sourcebooks".
Stories really don't need random encounters.
"As far as he was concerned, the fact that they were outside of fate was ample proof that they should never have existed. "
...of all the people in Creation, Sidereals are about the only ones left who know the actual history and physics of their world, including understanding what fae actually are.
The whole cult section is nice.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2829455/2/From_the_Darkness_Into_the_Light
I guess this might be part of explaining how the party gets together? Still feels rather random encounter-ish, especially since there's no real tension to the battle. Not only is it a foregone conclusion that they beat the Wyld Hunt, but once they've arrived there's not even the sense they need to rush because the new Solar is in danger. And the description of the battle just feels...bland.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2829455/3/From_the_Darkness_Into_the_Light
"A few hours later, Huro Tsin walked purposefully through the halls of the Tabernacle, stopping before a pink marble door, the only one of its kind in the building. It was one more than there should be, in Huro's opinion. But Venerable Silk was a Serenity Caste, after all, so he must be gay."
Suddenly I'm not bothered by the fact this is the last chapter posted. Especially when they immediately get into a conflict and this chapter ends with Huro setting things up so Silk gets a humiliating and degrading punishment. Bad implications all over the place.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2913585/1/Exalted_Heroes_of_the_Modern_Age
Well, that was certainly different. Unfortunately it did get tedious (dragging things out for suspense is hard to pull off, and requires interesting things going on during the interim) and the lack of breaks when the story shifts between characters makes for choppy reading.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2963126/1/Weep_Sweet_One
"A/N: The Sidereal below is sometimes called The Jack of Hearts, a Chosen of Serenity. His Exaltation was triggered by the rape and death of his younger sister, whom he was in love with, hence his somewhat bitter outlook on life and love."
If that's an important part of the story, then it should be in it, and if it isn't, why tell people at all?
Anyway. Good description, but plotwise kind of sketchy - it seems excessively drawn out. Surely he's got other things to do than keep hanging out there taunting her? I suppose one could argue that he needed to take this long for his rejection itself to destroy her, but he could have saved everyone a lot of time by just stabbing her when she came to kiss him.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3239452/1/The_Bear_of_Wolftown
QUOTATION MARKS ARE NOT FOR THOUGHTS THEY ARE NEVER FOR THOUGHTS WHY DO PEOPLE DO THIS.
""I am Lord Travarius, carrier of the dark candle." June stood, confused at the paradoxical reference. "
Uh, dark candle is not really that confusing. Dark flame, yes, but a dark candle would just be, like, a dyed candle.
(And if he's supposed to be an Abyssal he should really have a title rather than a name.)
The description of this is pretty good but the terrible paragraphing makes it harder to read than it should be. And like so many, this isn't really a story but just part of one.
"The Threshold, south of Chiaroscuro. A small train of horses and a pair of wagons wound its way through the gullies and over hills. The wagons were empty now, but set to return laden with long delayed tribute. They had departed with the blessings of the ruler of Chiaroscuro, flowery, and ultimately meaningless, words. Not one of the visitors from the Blessed Isle wanted to be there. They were impatient to get on. None of the Exalted wanted this delay – only Maret. What else did she have but the largesse of her betters? "
Unfortunately, even rereading the paragraph several times, I can't figure out what "this delay" is. Truly the bane of this category is the wording.
And it's a failed dragonblooded main character. I appreciate the draw, but it'd be nice to at least see more subtlety about the characterization rather than charging right for the standard "it sucks I'm not one and double-sucks that they all look down on me". It is nice to see they're being practical and finding a way to use her anyway.
Her exaltation, unfortunately, comes off as terribly forced. It's not clear that she absolutely has to act or they're all doomed, because it's vague about the relative strength of the fae, so the exact trigger that gets her moving isn't clear. It ends up coming off as she decides to do it because once she exalts it'll be a good idea, and she exalts because she decides to do it.
Similarly kind of unimpressive to see yet another Solar immediately decide that yep, the stuff they've learned since early childhood isn't true and they're definitely not possessed by demons nope. It's pretty forgivable when they at least get past life memories in the deal, but otherwise you'd think there'd at least be some doubt. I mean...
"Then again, she didn't feel possessed. In fact, she felt more herself than she ever had. She could beat Ledaal Niloba in single combat! She even felt smarter, if such a thing were possible. And in her was no bloodlust, no desire to corrupt or destroy, no hatred of the Dragon-Blooded. "
So she's basically feeling drunk or high right now, which for a self-aware person would at least make them pause. As to bloodlust, she just jumped at a chance to beat up a fae - not evil, but definitely a lot more violent than she seemed to usually be. Finally, not only did she seem to resent the Dragonblooded to some extent because she's mortal and they're not, but she was instantly attacked by her friends, and now she's realizing that all the stuff they've said about anathema being possessed by demons is a lie designed to get her - and by extension all her past fellow exalts, who must have been just as innocent - killed. But now she's totally okay with them?
This is basically glossing over a lot of potentially interesting issues in favor of establishing the character as right and perfect. If this is meant to be purely her perspective on the matter (it is, after all, quite possible for someone who *is* drunk to insist they're not, and possible her newfound power and surety she's not demon-possessed could produce a sort of self-righteous sense that she doesn't have the slightest feeling of ill will toward the Dragonblooded) it'd be interesting, but it's matching up pretty exactly with the canon fact, so...
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1931219/2/Circle_of_Nil
Pretty good lead in about Varang
"They weren't three days on the road from Chiaroscuro before the Guild caravan she had started with began referring to her as the Honey- Tongued Devil, due to her uncanny skill in making money off even the most improbable transactions "
...Um, shouldn't that have been bad? You go on to say that yeah, it's totally her anathema powers that are letting her do these clearly inhuman feats of persuasion, and this is exactly one of the warning signs the Immaculates preach about. Shouldn't someone - like, say, one of the many coming out on the losing side of these bargains - be running off to report her, especially if it's so obvious a Guild member is willing to promote her, a random stranger, into the Guild? I was expecting the rest of the paragraph to be more "...and so she had to leave for another caravan before anyone became more suspicious and called the Wyld Hunt down on her head".
"At first just a mercenary, Nil's talents as a merchant quickly came to the fore when she would make deals with the Guild's merchants. By the time Varang was reached, Nil had amassed enough money to pay off her debt to Seyd, and then some, then struck out on her own as a full-fledged member of the Guild. With her new talents, she could navigate the bizarre Varangan culture with more ease than those who had been traveling there for years. She never mixed up a high-caste maker of vestments for a middle-cast seamstress. It was easy for her to pick up the proper signs and customs and phrases, and whenever Nil spoke, there was never any cause for offense "
...for someone so in tune to proper behavior she sure doesn't grasp the concept of subtlety. You'd think a Dynast would have a better idea of how well the Wyld Hunt works.
"In some ways, the moniker of Honey-Tongued Devil was more right than the carvaneers would probably ever know."
...lampshading.
It is nice to see someone so unconcerned about lying, though.
"spread a bit of gold around"
No...And later it's back to silver. Gold is really ingrained in fantasy settings, isn't it?
So the Wyld Hunts have basically collapsed? Meh, but at least it makes it a bit more reasonable she's running around like this.
Actually kind of cool that the other solar is a lot more knowledgeable than she is, even if I do wish people could be wrong about things they're sure of occasionally. The story seems to be picking up nicely.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1931219/3/Circle_of_Nil
"Into the shadowland came two children of the Unconquered Sun and the restless dead that made this dark place their home did not hinder them. One was a handsome young Southerner, barely more than a boy. His dark eyes were wild with suppressed fear, his dusky skin ashen, his thick black curly hair nearly on end. The other was a small woman in rich silks, a slim sword at her waist. Her lack of height aside, she was the perfect image of a citizen of the Blessed Isle, the center of the world. Black hair, fair skin, brown tilted eyes, strong nose, and full lips all combined in her rounded face to give her a certain sweet attractiveness. The young man's name was Golden Fortune, and once upon a time, the woman's name was Anjis Maret. But now, she called herself only Nil."
...did this start off as a series of linked short stories?
"She, of course, carried in her pack, the cask of black wood and orichalcum that had brought them in the first place."
Too many commas.
They seem oddly unsurprised by the Abyssal, just creeped out. You'd think they'd be curious or have their own ideas on it, especially with her claiming to be so similar to them.
And some past guy who knows something...Great Curse, maybe?
Golden Fortune's kind of a lightweight at social combat. It was just a bit of murder. Anyway, good resolution.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1931219/4/Circle_of_Nil
Meh, the POV switch was awkward and the backstory not really one that needed to be expanded.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1931219/5/Circle_of_Nil
"Last of the four was the monk with the unassuming name of Sparrow. He rode amongst the mortals but was not one of them, an Exalted monk of some kind. At least that was the impression the Singer got. Even under the most assiduous questioning, her spies were never able to tell her much about this man. It didn't matter, the Singer decided ultimately. He, too, would die. They would face three Solars, instead of just one, and die, for they would face the Solars alone. "
ARG idiot ball. There's only a couple types of exalted. If there's an exalt riding with the Wyld Hunt, he's openly a Dragonblooded, because Dragonblooded have no reason to hide who they are. If there's some guy who seems to be SECRETLY an exalt then either she'd know to guess Sidereal (and go OH FUCK) or she'd know this was something that should not be because as far as she knows it's Dragonblooded or nothing, and either way she'd know he was the last person to ignore. Dramatic irony with antagonists is something stories can go without.
"Truly, though, Niloba wasn't surprised little Maret had succumbed to the temptations of the Anathema. She was always striving so hard to fit in among her betters. Maret had been a truly exceptional mortal, and if her soul had been advanced enough, she would have been a truly formidable Dragon-Blood. But there were flaws within her, and Exaltation was not for her in this life. Niloba could see Maret would never have accepted her destiny, and so wasn't surprised that she took another avenue of power, probably inadvertently allowing herself to be destroyed. Maret had been a sweet and charming thing, but Ledaal Niloba would shed no tears when her lance pierced the demon's heart."
This is so joyously reasonable, it's a shame this sort of thing is restricted to the antagonists.
...and the zombies are randomly prophesying? I'd have guessed it was the Singer using them to tell him, but since he seems to be just going with it like this kind of thing happens normally...
A whole chapter spent on other characters. That was fun and something that I realize has been lacking in the past stories I've read.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1931219/6/Circle_of_Nil
"Linopa didn't want to ride into what she felt was an obvious trap, and was worried over what seemed to be an obsession. They were twins, and sometimes Niloba wondered at how Linopa didn't know her any better. This was no obsession, but a holy mission. "
Clever.
And now Golden Fortune's first age memories turn out to be flawed regarding the Sidereals! Shame it has to only come up when they're around someone who can set them right, but it's still good to see.
"Sparrow had Exalted young, and remained the same, but Tinch's Exaltation had come to him in old age, but granted him the vigor of the young. "
...too many 'but's.
Also LOL combat casting. Why's Tinch getting set up as a big deal if he hasn't even learned to cast Invulnerable Skin of Bronze before the battle starts?
Well, the resolution of all this feels a bit rushed, but it does resolve the plotlines nicely. I don't get the impression this was meant to actually be the end but it works out okay as one. Feels like a complete arc, at least.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2457822/1/Exalted_Journey_Through_the_Abyss
"The blood, her liquid of life that she needed to survive, was escaping in copious amounts through her quavering chest as well."
Someday, people will realize that purple prose and drama do not mix well.
"The small shard of glass she had used in battle was still gripped tightly in her right hand, cutting deep into her palm. Also to her right (though she could not see) was the warrior she had stabbed many times with her piece of window glass; he was sprawled out on the grassy hill, motionless, already dead. Still somewhere among the pool of corpses were five other evil men she had slain before being struck down. "
...glass doesn't do "stab" well. It's pretty brittle. Stabbing someone with a piece of glass, sure. Stabbing six presumably well armored men to death with the same piece...kind of getting silly.
Also I wouldn't think picking your potential Abyssals from the pool of people praying from death would work out well.
...okay, so he's randomly given her horns...
""My Lord," the Prince began as she walked behind him out of the lonely stone room, "Why have you given me such as name as 'Prince'? Won't that cause confusion among others?"
Walker in Darkness replied in an offhanded manner. "It may, but it most certainly doesn't matter. Though you are brave, strong, and have much potential, at your size, age, and gender, you will be hard pressed to find those who will obey your orders or listen to you and take you seriously. I gave you such a name to bring out your strength and your true ferocity.""
UGH. Because what the setting really needs is having it hammered in that women are so inferior to men that even when exalted they need to run around in drag to get mortals to obey them.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2457822/2/Exalted_Journey_Through_the_Abyss
...and now it's wacky hijinks time as, after NINE YEARS OF EXALTED LIFE we find the Prince running wild in the Mask of Winter's castle - I mean citadel - playing pranks on such staff members as the cook in revenge for him not cooking her extra eggs, because the Mask of Winters totally has a normal cook and people who have been exalted for nine years are totally expected to still be bratty kids. Also, she apparently can't just order the guy to give her the damn eggs. Guess the drag didn't work.
Apparently the Mask of Winters has been treating her like a precious daughter this whole time instead of actually using her. If kid exalts require this sort of massive investment, no one would bother with them in the first place. It's not like Creation is lacking in people being horribly killed.
"By now Soren had made his way out of the main building and into the citadel garden. He scanned the lush area for any trace of the Prince, but only found a few other Deathknights. They seemed to be performing various gardening tasks: Three recently exalted Deathknights were attempting to trim the tall blackened trees of the garden, while another, a man Soren immediately recognized, was hacking away violently at the man-sized shrubberies. He smiled and shook his head as he approached the oddball Abyssal.
"Now, I'm not much of a gardener, Mesher, but I don't think those are shrubs anymore."
Mesher, a wiry man of about six feet with a mohawk, ceased his brutal destruction of the greenery to respond to Soren. "Yeah, I got screwed over with this job. Me and those other three crock pot weenies got caught messin' in Canis' bedroom." He shook his head in disgust. "You'd never think that he'd get so pissy over a few missin' bed sheets and some drapes.""
This is just getting painful.
She's...crying over a rabbit. That MoW gave her. And now the ghost is comforting her that it's gone into *Lethe*. And the whole place hasn't been wiped out by a resonance eruption yet?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2826626/1/Tendo_Kiyadas_Last_Day
Tenses are an absolute mess.
"it takes a moment for the creaming in her head to subside"
Uh-huh.
"There had been a coo, the Empress killed the Emperor. Master of Shadows had tried to eliminate the children so there would be no heir to the thrown. "
You don't say.
There might be a decent story underneath all this, but I'm not sure it's worth the effort of digging.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5468393/3/A_Journey_of_My_Own
Other people have said a lot about mechanical problems, so I'll skip it.
I like having the focus be on a kid working with pokemon - it's exactly the sort of job that an aspiring trainer would want and it's interesting to hear about all by itself. But you don't really capitalize on it. The sections are jokey and skimmed over. A lot of this seems to be treading water, like it's just the basic frame of the story without going back over it. You don't really need the extensive background you give in the first chapter, and neither are the birthday presents here too interesting, especially as half of them are things people can just assume Gwen has, or learn about when she uses them on a journey. Generally, the reason to spend time focusing on something is when it's something that's an exception to what people expect. Having her brother send her a starting pokemon would be worth the time, but not for a reskinned pokedex.
This reads like an unfinished first draft. You need to get into the practice of going back over what you wrote, expanding interesting sections and cutting things that don't go anywhere. When I read the first chapter it seemed basically a standard OT beginning, even though you've actually got a number of unusual things going on (the daycare, the whole duplicate/legendary business) because there wasn't much focus - plotty stuff and mundanities seem to be given equal weight.
Also. In a fic, you generally want to aim for the bare minimum of stuff necessary for the plot. So if there isn't a point in stuff like "PokeMod 360 is a handheld game system that has internet and games that you can buy online." the story shouldn't focus on her getting it as a present.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2829455/1/From_the_Darkness_Into_the_Light
"An attractive Asian-looking man"
Um, no Asia.
"clad in a suit with starmetal pinstripes"
He's wasting starmetal on *that*?
"Yes, but there is a–situation–at the Cult's Sequestered Tabernacle training camp. There is an elder Abyssal there who, amazingly, desires very much to become a Solar."
Huh, yet more plot skipping. That seems to be a really common feature of all this - it takes place at some point where the characters have got to the point they've read the sourcebooks. It ends up making things feel awkward storywise, because there's no clear sense of how the characters worked it out or exactly how much they know, it's just generally "the sourcebooks".
Stories really don't need random encounters.
"As far as he was concerned, the fact that they were outside of fate was ample proof that they should never have existed. "
...of all the people in Creation, Sidereals are about the only ones left who know the actual history and physics of their world, including understanding what fae actually are.
The whole cult section is nice.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2829455/2/From_the_Darkness_Into_the_Light
I guess this might be part of explaining how the party gets together? Still feels rather random encounter-ish, especially since there's no real tension to the battle. Not only is it a foregone conclusion that they beat the Wyld Hunt, but once they've arrived there's not even the sense they need to rush because the new Solar is in danger. And the description of the battle just feels...bland.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2829455/3/From_the_Darkness_Into_the_Light
"A few hours later, Huro Tsin walked purposefully through the halls of the Tabernacle, stopping before a pink marble door, the only one of its kind in the building. It was one more than there should be, in Huro's opinion. But Venerable Silk was a Serenity Caste, after all, so he must be gay."
Suddenly I'm not bothered by the fact this is the last chapter posted. Especially when they immediately get into a conflict and this chapter ends with Huro setting things up so Silk gets a humiliating and degrading punishment. Bad implications all over the place.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2913585/1/Exalted_Heroes_of_the_Modern_Age
Well, that was certainly different. Unfortunately it did get tedious (dragging things out for suspense is hard to pull off, and requires interesting things going on during the interim) and the lack of breaks when the story shifts between characters makes for choppy reading.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2963126/1/Weep_Sweet_One
"A/N: The Sidereal below is sometimes called The Jack of Hearts, a Chosen of Serenity. His Exaltation was triggered by the rape and death of his younger sister, whom he was in love with, hence his somewhat bitter outlook on life and love."
If that's an important part of the story, then it should be in it, and if it isn't, why tell people at all?
Anyway. Good description, but plotwise kind of sketchy - it seems excessively drawn out. Surely he's got other things to do than keep hanging out there taunting her? I suppose one could argue that he needed to take this long for his rejection itself to destroy her, but he could have saved everyone a lot of time by just stabbing her when she came to kiss him.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3239452/1/The_Bear_of_Wolftown
QUOTATION MARKS ARE NOT FOR THOUGHTS THEY ARE NEVER FOR THOUGHTS WHY DO PEOPLE DO THIS.
""I am Lord Travarius, carrier of the dark candle." June stood, confused at the paradoxical reference. "
Uh, dark candle is not really that confusing. Dark flame, yes, but a dark candle would just be, like, a dyed candle.
(And if he's supposed to be an Abyssal he should really have a title rather than a name.)
The description of this is pretty good but the terrible paragraphing makes it harder to read than it should be. And like so many, this isn't really a story but just part of one.
