Second to last Exalted post
Mar. 24th, 2010 10:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlaAs I approach the present day, I start to get more replies. The author of the blind guy fic replied yesterday.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5036382/1/just_another_fading_memory
So I sort of see what you're doing here, but it still has the problems of most stuff here, where it's not really a complete story and also I'm left speculating on increasingly unlikely reasons for how things went exactly that way - if he was totally outmatched by Octavian, why did he try to fight in the first place? If it was a close enough thing he actually stood a chance, why doesn't he seem to have even worn Octavian down? Octavian says he was a worthy opponent, but that could be anything from being almost beaten to just the fact he tried to fight at all. If there was a suggestion of the larger picture, where he has some sort of specific goal to protect, that'd also have worked. But this is just "character getting beaten by demon, character not quite killed, hey look Sidereals have cool mechanics". Which is all good and well but that alone doesn't make a complete story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5328153/1/Adventures
A paragraph of someone standing around isn't a chapter.
Got a response here within an hour that's either ridiculously polite or confirmation they were a troll.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5298401/1/Rekindled_Flames
Grammar errors...
"The Perfect was adorned in robes of spun silver and gold; encrusted in pearls and precious stones. "
Um. Even pretty finely spun you can't just wear metal, unless it's moonsilver. Stuff like cloth of gold is basically threads covered by a thin gold layer, and it's not called "cloth of any precious metal" because it's the fact gold is so soft that lets that work at all. Robes of cloth of gold would be incredibly stiff already.
But anyway. A pretty good opening that establishes both the setting and characters.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5298401/2/Rekindled_Flames
"It was a strange, darkly structure, appearing to be made of a green tinged brass; said to have been built from the metals pulled from Malfeas itself, at the behest of the long fallen Shogunate "
As that seems like a terrible idea and the Dragonblooded have a lot of limits on their summoning ability, a bit more explanation here would be good. (Or if it's meant to be just a rumor, some suggestion, like the Realm Dragonblooded denying it.)
...and we're getting massive paragraphs of description...Also, why random italics?
Well, it does seem to be going somewhere.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5298401/3/Rekindled_Flames
We're on the third chapter and still on the same format of piles of description that doesn't really go anywhere yet. You establish, then jump to the next setting. Well, at least there's a burst of action here.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5298401/4/Rekindled_Flames
Huh, things are picking up. The narration of this is good - lots of detail melded into actions. Am kind of sick of female characters always having to be exceptions, but that's minor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5298401/5/Rekindled_Flames
"Wind Fire's element blew in from the sea, descending on the camp of the Hahjabs; that was located near the twin rivers that were shaped to surround the coastal city."
...the wording of this just gets so awkward, which is about the last thing you want in a description-heavy story. It's also far too imprecise - Wind Fire's *namesake* would work better, especially in a setting that has literal set elements of which the wind/fire combo isn't one. (I thought you might mean ash, but then you compare it favorably to ash, so... And underworld elements don't seem to be what you'd be going for in the first place.)
And is your ? key broken or something?
""By the word of the Perfect, I've been granted this woman." He spoke directly to Wind Fire. "For your trespass against our eternal lord, your sister will suffer; consider yourself warned and lucky to live, you barbarian cur." "
Seriously?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5298401/6/Rekindled_Flames
Had to reread this a couple times to figure out what was going on, and I'm still not quite sure I've got it right - so the slaves that belong to the guy in Brass were taken by these bandits. And they were going to be sold to brothels, including the kids, which is extremely illegal in Brass. So I'm assuming the slaves were being moved *from* Brass *to* some other city, and Brass, despite their strong stance that selling children as prostitutes is sick, are okay with their citizens doing so in another city? Or the guy is selling them in Brass but illegally, which makes his use of random mercenaries stupid, since now they can blackmail the hell out of him.
Basically it was hard to get engaged in the moral aspect when I was trying to figure out what was going on. This whole thing wouldn't be an issue if you'd just stopped at "they were going to get sold as prostitutes" - the addition that it's illegal in Brass just made me really confused about what was going on, and doesn't seem to have any point. It's not even like the main character is from Brass and you're using this to explain where his own morals come from, because he comes from somewhere else entirely.
Also, uh, slavery and prostitution aren't an exclusively female occupation. Not sure if you knew that.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5298401/7/Rekindled_Flames
"As the hours past, Kelohay ran off the courtesies and requests to the Directions and the Celestial Court of the little gods, to bid her appeal for a summoning. When she bypassed that step; her anima flared more into iconic shapes of mountains that uncoiled into a serpentine dragon, before melting back into raw light "
So I'm increasingly getting the impression that part of the problem you have with wording involves using ones you don't actually know the meaning to.
On the brighter side I think Jalah's my favorite character so far - she's nicely morally neutral, her sections are engaging and it's nice to see someone actually think they're actually possessed by a mind-eating demon for once.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5298401/8/Rekindled_Flames
"Sahar had always been supportive of her; but like any man, he took his acknowledged merit and respect for granted. Despite her accomplishments, Ryana had to always prove herself twice as much; and work just as hard to get anyone to even acknowledge it. "
Yes, yes, sexism sucks. That's why it'd be nice to occasionally see a setting where it's not endemic.
...and she kills him. Ookay. I guess I can see what you're going for, but it looks pretty premediated, and when all the guy was doing was trying to run away. Having him attempt to fight her off or something and killing him without really meaning to would make a bit more sense, or her actually just trying to make him be quiet and killing him by accident - she's exalted, so it'd make sense her blows would be a lot stronger than she's used to, and if they both panic it's easy to see her killing him.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5298401/9/Rekindled_Flames
They've been riding for hours and he's only now realized his sister is still tied up? Worst brother ever. (How did she even get on the horse?)
...and yeah, he really should've seen that coming. (Although I thought you had to go inside a building at night...?)
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5298401/10/Rekindled_Flames
Um, given ghosts literally exist and can kill people, I really can't see anyone desecrating bodies, let alone people who have to keep living in the area. Making something a "traitor's fate" is just giving the guy another chance to kill you after he's dead.
Goddammit and now we're learning anathema are actually our friends already, from a guy whose village he just attacked no less. Can't the Immaculate Order do anything right? Jesus, no wonder it's the Age of Sorrows, Dragonblooded must be the most incompetent people in existence.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5298401/11/Rekindled_Flames
"Jalah let her hood fall, and closed her eyes as the sea breeze brushed the sweat from her face; opening them again to the moonless sky. I guess being a demon isn't so bad after all."
:D Oh, Jalah, you and your delightful lack of morality.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5298401/12/Rekindled_Flames
Well, this started rather slow but developed nicely. Seems like this is really a bunch of separate stories, since they never did meet up - not sure if it would have been better for them to have been split apart of not. The characters all seem relatively distinctive, and most of my dislike is just for the Zenith, who's basically the standard cliché. Nice to see that despite what he learns, mostly they're thinking that they are demons but hey, power! While things don't really resolve properly and do give the sense this should be part of a larger story, it's a lot better developed than most of the fanfic here and works well enough on its own.
You have really got to work on your grammar, though.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5249773/1/Salvation_of_Scarlet_Thorn
Huh, present tense.
...and hey, it's rape. Does there really need to be so much rape in backstories?
Okay, I'm sure she's pretty glad she's no longer getting raped, but she really is taking the giant murdering tigarman standing next to her a bit too well.
I mean... "Anathema. No! She can't think like that. She is different too, but that doesn't make her bad." Yeah, um, she just doesn't have hair. Lunars _eat babies_. Difference. This category really hates writing characters who are wrong about things, doesn't it?
Also, of all the times to be bantering and annoying - to say nothing of how she seems pretty chill about the whole rape thing, one would think the whole baby eating demon monster thing saying it knows where you live but won't tell you why would be taken more as a bad thing and not someone just refusing to answer a question.
Um, why exactly are they waiting to see if she's pregnant or not? They have readily available abortion tea. Even if, for some reason, she doesn't want to, her parents are obviously quite pro-abortion and could just slip it into a drink immediately afterward. There's no need to perform a physical abortion late in the term.
So she doesn't even know whose kid she's carrying now. Look, if she wanted it to be her boyfriend's, all she had to do was drink the readily available abortion tea, *then* go have sex with him. As is normal in a culture with readily available abortion tea. (Similarly, as is normal in a culture with abortion tea, promiscuity in general isn't as big of a deal.)
This plus the whole bit with her mother seems like you're grafting a generic fantasy medieval setting in here (as it's not like historically people had too much issue with the idea of abortion either).
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5249773/2/Salvation_of_Scarlet_Thorn
"Her mother wants Jesclyn to get rid of the child. Jesclyn refuses and her father sides with her, angering her mother further. Then one day her mother leaves. She doesn't leave a note or say good-bye; she just packs her bags and exits the home. Later that same night, Jesclyn wakes in a fit of coughs and the smell of smoke in her nose. "
Because having sex with people other than the guy she was forced to marry = child murdering family hating whore. Linking evilness to female promiscuity is truly a new and original take! I'm glad that once we established her mom sleeps around we could make it clear she's a horrible person in every other way. I'm sure Dad being on the other side of this argument is purely because it's the right side to be on.
""Good because we need to run!" Tiger informs them.
"What do you mean?" Skye wants to know.
"Place one foot in front of the other rapidly," Shadow replies."
You really need to learn when to not write banter.
And yeah, she continues to be flat and boring and unbothered by the fact she's surrounded by scary anathama baby eaters. Also, apparently she's never heard the term exalted before, so either she's a moron or this world has no Dragonblooded, which in turn just begs the question of who exactly is running the Wyld Hunt. It's not like mortals can gank the average newbie exalt.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5249773/3/Salvation_of_Scarlet_Thorn
""That girl was the happiest person I had ever met," Rusty recalls in a reminiscing tone. "And quiet. It took some work to pull her out of her shell.""
...you realize that's a contradiction.
Also just generally blah filler dialogue. They're hitting a couple relevant points, but the dialogue isn't properly structured around them and feels more like you just started writing. Plus, everyone has the same voice and it's not a particularly interesting one.
And given how much Creation generally sucks, I find it really hard to believe anyone who cared about children wouldn't have plenty around just because they can't personally father any. It's not like you have to try hard to find orphans. He shouldn't be limited to sort of adopting a friend's kid. This is basically informed niceness - you're pontificating on how much he wants kids because he's such a friendly person, except that in setting, anyone who actually cared about kids would be able to find plenty that actually needed his help.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5249773/4/Salvation_of_Scarlet_Thorn
"Jesclyn studies the infant in her arms, searching for any trace of Serethar. The top half of the babe's facial features came from her, but the bottom half came from his father. Serethar, she decides, noting the shape of the babe's chin. "
Uh, unless this is referring to some sort of rule that inheritance literally works like that, this is terribly unclear.
Okay, so for some reason her rapists claim that actually she was getting raped by the anathema. And she wasn't even aware of this because apparently she never tried to pursue it legally and left it to her family, who in turn didn't bother to tell her anything about it. And that somehow connects to why their house burned down.
Also, is the group openly being anathema or not? If they're not, it doesn't matter if they're running around doing good deeds, they're not going to change the perception of anathema. If they are, then why isn't the Wyld Hunt coming down on their heads, and if there's no Wyld Hunt, why is perception even an issue?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5249773/5/Salvation_of_Scarlet_Thorn
So she just randomly stabbed some woman. In the middle of a crowded street. And then just runs off. And apparently the woman was one of the women her brother is planning to kill. So I'm assuming they actually did something bad that explains why stabbing is seen as morally okay here? Because I don't recall any women being involved in the first chapter rape.
Also, so I guess Dragonblooded do exist. Only instead of hunting anathema and ruling the world, they have to be hired by mortal nobles to go kill uppity assassins.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5249773/6/Salvation_of_Scarlet_Thorn
So they're basically slaughtering their way through the people in the city. Because if anyone in a large noble family does anything bad, you should definitely stab all of them, especially their sisters/wives, and then set their massive house full of servants on fire. It's not wrong as long as you tell the couple servants you actually see to run away seconds before lighting the fire! Also, a normal human woman can totally do this on her own without being armed with more than a dagger.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5249773/7/Salvation_of_Scarlet_Thorn
Jesus, is there anyone who doesn't want to rape her?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5249773/8/Salvation_of_Scarlet_Thorn
Hey, it's a mildly interesting character! Haha, those Neverborn and their incessant demands to kill everyone.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5249773/9/Salvation_of_Scarlet_Thorn
Okay, to recap, people are pissed at her and going to kill her because she's been going around on her happyfun murder spree, and also, they're already on her list of people to kill. Her response to them stabbing her is to scream in rage and threaten to kill them. This is kind of ridiculous.
Well, maybe now that she's an Abyssal she'll be mildly interesting too.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5249773/10/Salvation_of_Scarlet_Thorn
An experienced lunar is watching this all unfold and doesn't do anything? Dammit, can lunars do anything? And then runs off instead of going out after she exalts, because apparently lunars are also total cowards?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5249773/11/Salvation_of_Scarlet_Thorn
...and now the lunars have past life dreams of abyssals, because I needed to be even more confused about how this fits with the standard setting.
So in sum: everyone but abyssals suck and have no real powers, mass murder is a good response to rape, human main characters can do anything, and hairlessness makes you sexually irresistible.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5463428/1/Bound_Beyond_Time
"The wind blew all around her, swirling about in a chaotic mess, that in no way mimicked how air should move "
Uh...and how should the wind be moving, if not blowing or swirling?
"The hound-man grew quiet, snarling at some unseen danger. "
I see the wording issues only grow worse.
"Wind Fire would not be silent of these injustices; the Perfect's plundering had claimed his father, the tributes killed his friend, and his courage to say so had cost him his family, and any chance to be married. "
So people died, and also no sex for him :( Seriously could have worked without that last grievance.
And the random italicizing has got a lot worse.
Wind Fire is still rather boring. More explanation for why he's not immediately going after the Perfect would be nice - he figures he's getting consumed, doesn't he? Not much time for long-term planning, and besides, as he's just said, he's pretty much lost everything, so it's not like he had much left to live for anyway. More of a sense he's running against a clock would make this interesting - desperate people usually are. If you made it clear that he assumes he stands no chance challenging the Perfect and that he thinks he *has* to find things to help him win, you could still have him looking for his old stuff.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3875287/1/The_Blackbirds_Gale
"Wise men say that light exists because of darkness. The deathknights say that light only exists because we fear the darkness, that when that light is extinguished... darkness is inevitable."
That's not well worded. I mean, obviously if you extinguish light it's dark, so I don't see how there's a difference of opinion there, and it's not obviously nilistic since it's unclear how light is getting extinguished in this metaphor - the best guess I have is that it means something more like "when that fear is extinguished, darkness is inevitable" but it could just as easily mean "light is not an inherent feature of the world, it's quite destroyable" since, you know, deathknight.
"Saki knew she'd have to return eventually, if only to acquiesce to the demands of her House and of the Realm and conceive again. The thought was repugnant, but duty was duty. "
If she hates being around her husband so much, why not come home for a short period and have sex with someone else? It's not like she has to stay there for her pregnancy, and her House would be less pissed off by cheating than by not having a kid period. The coming home part is even optional.
And since she seems to feel the Dragonblooded are getting overwhelmed, you'd think she'd be more sympathetic to the idea they need more kids.
The basic writing of this is pretty well done, but...
""You're as lovely as I had assumed," he murmured. Saki suppressed a shudder only with force of will as his fingertips stroked her cheek. "Such a shame, to mar that pretty face... but you've been a naughty girl, little dragon." "
Yeah, I could really do with Exalted stories having slightly less of the skeevy gender issues.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3875287/2/The_Blackbirds_Gale
Mechanically still okay, plotwise less so. There's a reason "let's split up!" is taken as a sign the characters are too dumb to live, and it still holds true here - if the Wyld Hunt comes, they're far safer together than apart. Even if the other girl isn't a good fighter, she's still going to be a halfway decent combatant by virtue of being as Solar. And the story itself it referencing all sort of unknown past events as if people should already be familiar with them.
And the experienced soldier's master plan to get a lot of money is dress up and climb on stage in front of drunks to "sing". I don't even know where to start.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5036382/1/just_another_fading_memory
So I sort of see what you're doing here, but it still has the problems of most stuff here, where it's not really a complete story and also I'm left speculating on increasingly unlikely reasons for how things went exactly that way - if he was totally outmatched by Octavian, why did he try to fight in the first place? If it was a close enough thing he actually stood a chance, why doesn't he seem to have even worn Octavian down? Octavian says he was a worthy opponent, but that could be anything from being almost beaten to just the fact he tried to fight at all. If there was a suggestion of the larger picture, where he has some sort of specific goal to protect, that'd also have worked. But this is just "character getting beaten by demon, character not quite killed, hey look Sidereals have cool mechanics". Which is all good and well but that alone doesn't make a complete story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5328153/1/Adventures
A paragraph of someone standing around isn't a chapter.
Got a response here within an hour that's either ridiculously polite or confirmation they were a troll.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5298401/1/Rekindled_Flames
Grammar errors...
"The Perfect was adorned in robes of spun silver and gold; encrusted in pearls and precious stones. "
Um. Even pretty finely spun you can't just wear metal, unless it's moonsilver. Stuff like cloth of gold is basically threads covered by a thin gold layer, and it's not called "cloth of any precious metal" because it's the fact gold is so soft that lets that work at all. Robes of cloth of gold would be incredibly stiff already.
But anyway. A pretty good opening that establishes both the setting and characters.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5298401/2/Rekindled_Flames
"It was a strange, darkly structure, appearing to be made of a green tinged brass; said to have been built from the metals pulled from Malfeas itself, at the behest of the long fallen Shogunate "
As that seems like a terrible idea and the Dragonblooded have a lot of limits on their summoning ability, a bit more explanation here would be good. (Or if it's meant to be just a rumor, some suggestion, like the Realm Dragonblooded denying it.)
...and we're getting massive paragraphs of description...Also, why random italics?
Well, it does seem to be going somewhere.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5298401/3/Rekindled_Flames
We're on the third chapter and still on the same format of piles of description that doesn't really go anywhere yet. You establish, then jump to the next setting. Well, at least there's a burst of action here.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5298401/4/Rekindled_Flames
Huh, things are picking up. The narration of this is good - lots of detail melded into actions. Am kind of sick of female characters always having to be exceptions, but that's minor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5298401/5/Rekindled_Flames
"Wind Fire's element blew in from the sea, descending on the camp of the Hahjabs; that was located near the twin rivers that were shaped to surround the coastal city."
...the wording of this just gets so awkward, which is about the last thing you want in a description-heavy story. It's also far too imprecise - Wind Fire's *namesake* would work better, especially in a setting that has literal set elements of which the wind/fire combo isn't one. (I thought you might mean ash, but then you compare it favorably to ash, so... And underworld elements don't seem to be what you'd be going for in the first place.)
And is your ? key broken or something?
""By the word of the Perfect, I've been granted this woman." He spoke directly to Wind Fire. "For your trespass against our eternal lord, your sister will suffer; consider yourself warned and lucky to live, you barbarian cur." "
Seriously?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5298401/6/Rekindled_Flames
Had to reread this a couple times to figure out what was going on, and I'm still not quite sure I've got it right - so the slaves that belong to the guy in Brass were taken by these bandits. And they were going to be sold to brothels, including the kids, which is extremely illegal in Brass. So I'm assuming the slaves were being moved *from* Brass *to* some other city, and Brass, despite their strong stance that selling children as prostitutes is sick, are okay with their citizens doing so in another city? Or the guy is selling them in Brass but illegally, which makes his use of random mercenaries stupid, since now they can blackmail the hell out of him.
Basically it was hard to get engaged in the moral aspect when I was trying to figure out what was going on. This whole thing wouldn't be an issue if you'd just stopped at "they were going to get sold as prostitutes" - the addition that it's illegal in Brass just made me really confused about what was going on, and doesn't seem to have any point. It's not even like the main character is from Brass and you're using this to explain where his own morals come from, because he comes from somewhere else entirely.
Also, uh, slavery and prostitution aren't an exclusively female occupation. Not sure if you knew that.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5298401/7/Rekindled_Flames
"As the hours past, Kelohay ran off the courtesies and requests to the Directions and the Celestial Court of the little gods, to bid her appeal for a summoning. When she bypassed that step; her anima flared more into iconic shapes of mountains that uncoiled into a serpentine dragon, before melting back into raw light "
So I'm increasingly getting the impression that part of the problem you have with wording involves using ones you don't actually know the meaning to.
On the brighter side I think Jalah's my favorite character so far - she's nicely morally neutral, her sections are engaging and it's nice to see someone actually think they're actually possessed by a mind-eating demon for once.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5298401/8/Rekindled_Flames
"Sahar had always been supportive of her; but like any man, he took his acknowledged merit and respect for granted. Despite her accomplishments, Ryana had to always prove herself twice as much; and work just as hard to get anyone to even acknowledge it. "
Yes, yes, sexism sucks. That's why it'd be nice to occasionally see a setting where it's not endemic.
...and she kills him. Ookay. I guess I can see what you're going for, but it looks pretty premediated, and when all the guy was doing was trying to run away. Having him attempt to fight her off or something and killing him without really meaning to would make a bit more sense, or her actually just trying to make him be quiet and killing him by accident - she's exalted, so it'd make sense her blows would be a lot stronger than she's used to, and if they both panic it's easy to see her killing him.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5298401/9/Rekindled_Flames
They've been riding for hours and he's only now realized his sister is still tied up? Worst brother ever. (How did she even get on the horse?)
...and yeah, he really should've seen that coming. (Although I thought you had to go inside a building at night...?)
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5298401/10/Rekindled_Flames
Um, given ghosts literally exist and can kill people, I really can't see anyone desecrating bodies, let alone people who have to keep living in the area. Making something a "traitor's fate" is just giving the guy another chance to kill you after he's dead.
Goddammit and now we're learning anathema are actually our friends already, from a guy whose village he just attacked no less. Can't the Immaculate Order do anything right? Jesus, no wonder it's the Age of Sorrows, Dragonblooded must be the most incompetent people in existence.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5298401/11/Rekindled_Flames
"Jalah let her hood fall, and closed her eyes as the sea breeze brushed the sweat from her face; opening them again to the moonless sky. I guess being a demon isn't so bad after all."
:D Oh, Jalah, you and your delightful lack of morality.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5298401/12/Rekindled_Flames
Well, this started rather slow but developed nicely. Seems like this is really a bunch of separate stories, since they never did meet up - not sure if it would have been better for them to have been split apart of not. The characters all seem relatively distinctive, and most of my dislike is just for the Zenith, who's basically the standard cliché. Nice to see that despite what he learns, mostly they're thinking that they are demons but hey, power! While things don't really resolve properly and do give the sense this should be part of a larger story, it's a lot better developed than most of the fanfic here and works well enough on its own.
You have really got to work on your grammar, though.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5249773/1/Salvation_of_Scarlet_Thorn
Huh, present tense.
...and hey, it's rape. Does there really need to be so much rape in backstories?
Okay, I'm sure she's pretty glad she's no longer getting raped, but she really is taking the giant murdering tigarman standing next to her a bit too well.
I mean... "Anathema. No! She can't think like that. She is different too, but that doesn't make her bad." Yeah, um, she just doesn't have hair. Lunars _eat babies_. Difference. This category really hates writing characters who are wrong about things, doesn't it?
Also, of all the times to be bantering and annoying - to say nothing of how she seems pretty chill about the whole rape thing, one would think the whole baby eating demon monster thing saying it knows where you live but won't tell you why would be taken more as a bad thing and not someone just refusing to answer a question.
Um, why exactly are they waiting to see if she's pregnant or not? They have readily available abortion tea. Even if, for some reason, she doesn't want to, her parents are obviously quite pro-abortion and could just slip it into a drink immediately afterward. There's no need to perform a physical abortion late in the term.
So she doesn't even know whose kid she's carrying now. Look, if she wanted it to be her boyfriend's, all she had to do was drink the readily available abortion tea, *then* go have sex with him. As is normal in a culture with readily available abortion tea. (Similarly, as is normal in a culture with abortion tea, promiscuity in general isn't as big of a deal.)
This plus the whole bit with her mother seems like you're grafting a generic fantasy medieval setting in here (as it's not like historically people had too much issue with the idea of abortion either).
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5249773/2/Salvation_of_Scarlet_Thorn
"Her mother wants Jesclyn to get rid of the child. Jesclyn refuses and her father sides with her, angering her mother further. Then one day her mother leaves. She doesn't leave a note or say good-bye; she just packs her bags and exits the home. Later that same night, Jesclyn wakes in a fit of coughs and the smell of smoke in her nose. "
Because having sex with people other than the guy she was forced to marry = child murdering family hating whore. Linking evilness to female promiscuity is truly a new and original take! I'm glad that once we established her mom sleeps around we could make it clear she's a horrible person in every other way. I'm sure Dad being on the other side of this argument is purely because it's the right side to be on.
""Good because we need to run!" Tiger informs them.
"What do you mean?" Skye wants to know.
"Place one foot in front of the other rapidly," Shadow replies."
You really need to learn when to not write banter.
And yeah, she continues to be flat and boring and unbothered by the fact she's surrounded by scary anathama baby eaters. Also, apparently she's never heard the term exalted before, so either she's a moron or this world has no Dragonblooded, which in turn just begs the question of who exactly is running the Wyld Hunt. It's not like mortals can gank the average newbie exalt.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5249773/3/Salvation_of_Scarlet_Thorn
""That girl was the happiest person I had ever met," Rusty recalls in a reminiscing tone. "And quiet. It took some work to pull her out of her shell.""
...you realize that's a contradiction.
Also just generally blah filler dialogue. They're hitting a couple relevant points, but the dialogue isn't properly structured around them and feels more like you just started writing. Plus, everyone has the same voice and it's not a particularly interesting one.
And given how much Creation generally sucks, I find it really hard to believe anyone who cared about children wouldn't have plenty around just because they can't personally father any. It's not like you have to try hard to find orphans. He shouldn't be limited to sort of adopting a friend's kid. This is basically informed niceness - you're pontificating on how much he wants kids because he's such a friendly person, except that in setting, anyone who actually cared about kids would be able to find plenty that actually needed his help.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5249773/4/Salvation_of_Scarlet_Thorn
"Jesclyn studies the infant in her arms, searching for any trace of Serethar. The top half of the babe's facial features came from her, but the bottom half came from his father. Serethar, she decides, noting the shape of the babe's chin. "
Uh, unless this is referring to some sort of rule that inheritance literally works like that, this is terribly unclear.
Okay, so for some reason her rapists claim that actually she was getting raped by the anathema. And she wasn't even aware of this because apparently she never tried to pursue it legally and left it to her family, who in turn didn't bother to tell her anything about it. And that somehow connects to why their house burned down.
Also, is the group openly being anathema or not? If they're not, it doesn't matter if they're running around doing good deeds, they're not going to change the perception of anathema. If they are, then why isn't the Wyld Hunt coming down on their heads, and if there's no Wyld Hunt, why is perception even an issue?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5249773/5/Salvation_of_Scarlet_Thorn
So she just randomly stabbed some woman. In the middle of a crowded street. And then just runs off. And apparently the woman was one of the women her brother is planning to kill. So I'm assuming they actually did something bad that explains why stabbing is seen as morally okay here? Because I don't recall any women being involved in the first chapter rape.
Also, so I guess Dragonblooded do exist. Only instead of hunting anathema and ruling the world, they have to be hired by mortal nobles to go kill uppity assassins.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5249773/6/Salvation_of_Scarlet_Thorn
So they're basically slaughtering their way through the people in the city. Because if anyone in a large noble family does anything bad, you should definitely stab all of them, especially their sisters/wives, and then set their massive house full of servants on fire. It's not wrong as long as you tell the couple servants you actually see to run away seconds before lighting the fire! Also, a normal human woman can totally do this on her own without being armed with more than a dagger.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5249773/7/Salvation_of_Scarlet_Thorn
Jesus, is there anyone who doesn't want to rape her?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5249773/8/Salvation_of_Scarlet_Thorn
Hey, it's a mildly interesting character! Haha, those Neverborn and their incessant demands to kill everyone.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5249773/9/Salvation_of_Scarlet_Thorn
Okay, to recap, people are pissed at her and going to kill her because she's been going around on her happyfun murder spree, and also, they're already on her list of people to kill. Her response to them stabbing her is to scream in rage and threaten to kill them. This is kind of ridiculous.
Well, maybe now that she's an Abyssal she'll be mildly interesting too.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5249773/10/Salvation_of_Scarlet_Thorn
An experienced lunar is watching this all unfold and doesn't do anything? Dammit, can lunars do anything? And then runs off instead of going out after she exalts, because apparently lunars are also total cowards?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5249773/11/Salvation_of_Scarlet_Thorn
...and now the lunars have past life dreams of abyssals, because I needed to be even more confused about how this fits with the standard setting.
So in sum: everyone but abyssals suck and have no real powers, mass murder is a good response to rape, human main characters can do anything, and hairlessness makes you sexually irresistible.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5463428/1/Bound_Beyond_Time
"The wind blew all around her, swirling about in a chaotic mess, that in no way mimicked how air should move "
Uh...and how should the wind be moving, if not blowing or swirling?
"The hound-man grew quiet, snarling at some unseen danger. "
I see the wording issues only grow worse.
"Wind Fire would not be silent of these injustices; the Perfect's plundering had claimed his father, the tributes killed his friend, and his courage to say so had cost him his family, and any chance to be married. "
So people died, and also no sex for him :( Seriously could have worked without that last grievance.
And the random italicizing has got a lot worse.
Wind Fire is still rather boring. More explanation for why he's not immediately going after the Perfect would be nice - he figures he's getting consumed, doesn't he? Not much time for long-term planning, and besides, as he's just said, he's pretty much lost everything, so it's not like he had much left to live for anyway. More of a sense he's running against a clock would make this interesting - desperate people usually are. If you made it clear that he assumes he stands no chance challenging the Perfect and that he thinks he *has* to find things to help him win, you could still have him looking for his old stuff.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3875287/1/The_Blackbirds_Gale
"Wise men say that light exists because of darkness. The deathknights say that light only exists because we fear the darkness, that when that light is extinguished... darkness is inevitable."
That's not well worded. I mean, obviously if you extinguish light it's dark, so I don't see how there's a difference of opinion there, and it's not obviously nilistic since it's unclear how light is getting extinguished in this metaphor - the best guess I have is that it means something more like "when that fear is extinguished, darkness is inevitable" but it could just as easily mean "light is not an inherent feature of the world, it's quite destroyable" since, you know, deathknight.
"Saki knew she'd have to return eventually, if only to acquiesce to the demands of her House and of the Realm and conceive again. The thought was repugnant, but duty was duty. "
If she hates being around her husband so much, why not come home for a short period and have sex with someone else? It's not like she has to stay there for her pregnancy, and her House would be less pissed off by cheating than by not having a kid period. The coming home part is even optional.
And since she seems to feel the Dragonblooded are getting overwhelmed, you'd think she'd be more sympathetic to the idea they need more kids.
The basic writing of this is pretty well done, but...
""You're as lovely as I had assumed," he murmured. Saki suppressed a shudder only with force of will as his fingertips stroked her cheek. "Such a shame, to mar that pretty face... but you've been a naughty girl, little dragon." "
Yeah, I could really do with Exalted stories having slightly less of the skeevy gender issues.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3875287/2/The_Blackbirds_Gale
Mechanically still okay, plotwise less so. There's a reason "let's split up!" is taken as a sign the characters are too dumb to live, and it still holds true here - if the Wyld Hunt comes, they're far safer together than apart. Even if the other girl isn't a good fighter, she's still going to be a halfway decent combatant by virtue of being as Solar. And the story itself it referencing all sort of unknown past events as if people should already be familiar with them.
And the experienced soldier's master plan to get a lot of money is dress up and climb on stage in front of drunks to "sing". I don't even know where to start.
