And now, a Digimon review
Mar. 27th, 2010 03:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/5770929/1/Digimon_Force_The_Beginning_of_Something
"This will contain some material from Tamers, but it should still be a good story!"
...? Did you not like Tamers? Of all the seasons to be warning about, Tamers seems like the bottom of the list, so this isn't really encouraging to see.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
"Yugi checked his watch, knowing that it was a couple of hours fast. "It says 8:56, but it's almost seven. Time to head home."
Why is this important? Why doesn't he fix it?
"Ugh, kale is just a fancy way of saying spinach."
...uh, no. They're not even related. Try "cabbage".
"Most of the boys prefered the Digimon video and computer game more, so really girls got the digivices."
Aren't there multiple games? Why are you so confident there's a division here? Why didn't you spellcheck? What's the point of saying this given that your main character is a boy and has a digivice?
Finally, this really doesn't work well as a chapter. Even if you weren't retreading the first episode of Tamers, it's a Digimon fic, anyone can guess that the egg is going to end up a real digimon, so the cliffhanger isn't one. It's just a delay. It's better to keep going until you actually get the story someplace new.
"This will contain some material from Tamers, but it should still be a good story!"
...? Did you not like Tamers? Of all the seasons to be warning about, Tamers seems like the bottom of the list, so this isn't really encouraging to see.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
"Yugi checked his watch, knowing that it was a couple of hours fast. "It says 8:56, but it's almost seven. Time to head home."
Why is this important? Why doesn't he fix it?
"Ugh, kale is just a fancy way of saying spinach."
...uh, no. They're not even related. Try "cabbage".
"Most of the boys prefered the Digimon video and computer game more, so really girls got the digivices."
Aren't there multiple games? Why are you so confident there's a division here? Why didn't you spellcheck? What's the point of saying this given that your main character is a boy and has a digivice?
Finally, this really doesn't work well as a chapter. Even if you weren't retreading the first episode of Tamers, it's a Digimon fic, anyone can guess that the egg is going to end up a real digimon, so the cliffhanger isn't one. It's just a delay. It's better to keep going until you actually get the story someplace new.
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no subject
Date: 2010-03-28 12:11 pm (UTC)(Dah! Every time you do reviews in a category, I want to write in it. This was bad enough with Exalted which I have maybe one side-story in my head for, but Digimon I actually have huge numbers of wips for from my childhood, a few of which I could even salvage--no, bad, no.)
no subject
Date: 2010-03-28 04:01 pm (UTC)