NaRe, Day One
Apr. 1st, 2010 08:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/5859757/1/Dark_Legends
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Anyway, your wording is rather awkward.
""We are tired of digging. Can't we just have a break?" complained one of the scientists, the rest of the diggers joining in to attempt to further the plea"
Contractions other than "can't" exist. You avoid "we're" a lot throughout the dialogue. The narration is set up oddly - the tense makes it sound like the scientist is complaining at the exact same time as the rest of them are joining in.
Finally, the entire opening scene seems like it's an attempt to copy the way things work in movies. The thing is, in movies, people are actually seeing the place, so it's okay that a lot of the individual pieces aren't explained. Seeing everyone suddenly die is dramatic. Reading "Suddenly, the wall began to glow a brilliant blue colour, then there was a flash and all the diggers were dead. " is not.
"In this one particular house, lived a teenage boy named Zane. On this particular cold morning, Zane was excited because today he could officially become a Pokémon trainer. Strictly speaking, he had already been a trainer for two years, but only around the neighbourhood.
Zane had been given a Pokémon for his birthday two years ago."
Okay, so I really want to give you credit for this one, as I'm often complaining that people completely overlook the idea of getting a pokemon prior to setting out. However. Even if someone didn't set out at age ten, that's still the age you "could officially become a trainer". Additionally, someone who waited an extra two years would only be twelve, and since Zane's a teenager, he must be at least thirteen and therefore still waited at least one year without having a pokemon at all.
In addition, you don't explain how this state of affairs works, and you go on to use the fanon idea that professors are somehow intrinsically linked to the whole becoming a trainer thing, so even though he's already got a pokemon, it doesn't spare us the scene where he shows up on Rowan's doorstep.
Do not use " for thoughts. Ever. It just looks like your character is talking to themself.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5859757/2/Dark_Legends
[ "Your Snover is top notch. It is very healthy and well looked after. From what I can see, it is very strong. It is quite obvious that you have put quite a lot of care and attention into raising this Pokémon".
A surge of happiness hit Zane. He wasn't sure he had done a good enough job. The Professor thought for a minute, while Zane returned the Snover to its Poké Ball.
"I have worked with Pokémon my entire life. I have given countless trainers their first Pokémon, seen them progress through their journey. But you are something special. I can't put my finger on it, but something about you just tells me you will be a great trainer. I think it is your Snover, it is already been raised as if an expert Pokémon trainer has been raising it since it was young".
Now Zane really was happy. Too happy to speak.
The Professor continued, "At any rate, I don't think any of my starter Pokémon would be best suited to you. Although young, they are too old for you. Perhaps I should start you out with something a bit younger, something you can raise from scratch and bond with. Yes, follow me, I have just the thing".
Zane followed Professor Rowan out through another set of large steel doors, and found himself in a long, white room with several identical large machines side by side.
"This is the incubator room. In each of these machines is a Pokémon egg. Now, I know what is in most of these, having bred them from Pokémon myself, but there is one that I found just last night. It was on the pathway to Sandgem Town. I saw it on my way back home from the lab. I haven't had time to examine it yet".
"Are you giving me that egg?" Zane asked slowly.
A wide smile broke on Professor Rowan's face. "Yes. I think that a Pokémon you hatch yourself will be better suited to you than a Pokémon that has been bred in large numbers. It will give you the best possible start to your future as a trainer. Just make sure the Pokémon that hatches from the egg sees you first."]
WHAT.
Look. For one thing, I'm just going to assume it's a sue pokemon of specialness. Don't have sue pokemon of specialness.
But next, there's the fact you're heaping praise onto a character who hasn't actually done anything. You don't show Zane actually caring about his snover's wellbeing. You don't show him checking it over after a fight to make sure there are no injuries, show him feeding it, show him interacting with it in any way. It's just used here as a prop so Rowan can pontificate on how awesome he is and then give him something cool.
While I was initially holding out hope that you had some sort of reason Zane hadn't left, I see now that the only reason he had a pokemon earlier was to get an extra special starter and you're going with the idea trainers are only allowed to start somewhere in the teens. They don't. In absolutely no canon is this true.
Moreover, although it's clearly a sue pokemon of specialness, I assume there is some sort of plot related issue such that it's important to the story he gets an egg from the professor. (If not, consider everything after this replaced by swearing.) However, there are other ways to get a pokemon than Rowan announcing that he can tell Zane is a sue who deserves cool things. For example, one really good start would be, you know, not having a room full of incubators designed to hatch pokemon eggs. Having some sort of practical reason why Rowan would want to give Zane the egg, like the game idea that eggs need to be kept around other pokemon. Add in that the egg actually requires timeconsuming care (and Rowan doesn't want to deal with it, being busy) so that Zane is not getting a completely drawback-free sue pokemon, and it starts to make sense. To cap it off, kill the idea he just found the thing coincidentally when Zane was ready to leave and it just suddenly occurred to him Zane could take it - instead, have him invite Zane over to get the egg, and work out why he thinks Zane is the best person for it later.
OR: Since Rowan just found it, cut Rowan out entirely and have Zane just find it. I'm not really a fan of randomly finding special stuff, but it beats the alternative of someone else randomly finding special stuff followed by randomly giving it away.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5859757/3/Dark_Legends
The fact you actually had him losing is nice, but it's not really enough to make up for a long filler chapter where your character is so "humorously" stupid - or as it's better known, OOC - as to forget to bring food, followed by people in the pokemon world not recognizing a pokemon so your character can explain about it, because it's always so interesting to read characters saying stuff I've heard dozens of times.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5859997/1/The_Chronicles_of_Dimitri
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
In addition, if your chapter is only a few hundred words long, it's probably not long enough to be a real chapter and would be better served being combined with the next one.
Also, this is nonsensical.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5860076/1/Burning_Fire
All italics makes it hard to read.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Your story is extremely unclear. There are earthquakes, so a boy is running around his house stuffing things into bags and...then running to the docks to get to Kanto? You're really not supposed to be running around during an earthquake, and going toward the docks when you do so is even worse.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Speaking of rules, names also have rules. Your characters seem to have been named at random, and in some cases possibly by picking letters out of a hat.
If you have another character hanging out on a boat wearing earbuds, it pretty much kills any chance you had at drama, since they obviously don't think what's happening is too important.
Finally, while I know pokemon names aren't standard in your spellcheck, that's why you should look them up to be sure they're not misspelled. For example, it's "gyarados", not "gyrados".
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5860109/1/Shooting_Stars
Use said. Seriously, won't bite, lovely word, generally more appropriate for the sentence than whatever word you're using in its place.
If he wants the game and is old enough his mom thinks he should outgrow it, why doesn't he just buy it himself instead of needing his mother to get it for him?
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
["I wish Pokémon was real. I wish this boring ol' normal world wouldn't exist. I wish we could both live in the Pokémon world and both be Pokémon trainers. I wish we could possess powers that no normal person could have and be able to save the world and become Pokémon masters."]
So he's not so much wishing pokemon were real as he's wishing they could be sues with superpowers in a pokemon fanfic. That's...oddly meta.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5860309/1/A_Fire_Inside
Mechanically decent, but pretty meh storywise. You're vague, and you're just saying the same things about these characters as plenty of others have said.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5860326/1/What_the_heck
Terrible.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5860334/1/A_new_journey
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5860340/1/Seeing_The_Light
Don't use ' for dialogue, it's easy to overlook and a lot of people use it to indicate thoughts. Use " when someone's speaking.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
"He reached the door after what seemed like years. He twisted the handle forcefully and wrenched the door open violently, almost hitting the unfortunate person standing outside full in the face.
He was about the push past them; the impossibility of apologising never crossed his mind. However, a pair of mild chocolate eyes and a large white hat stopped him in his tracks before he could take another step.
Kotone stood there, awkwardly. An arcanine stood behind her, eyeing him distrustfully. She blinked at him in shock, then smiled, as though she were happy to see him, despite the fact he had almost broken her nose."
I don't quite know where this style comes from, but it's not good. It reads like you wrote out the actions then plunked down adjectives wherever you thought they might fit. Your basic mechanics are okay, but your wording isn't. Try to write more naturally.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5860421/1/hysteria
"Whenever I ran into you, I challenged you. I needed to assure myself I wasn't the pathetic trainer I'd thought of you as: I needed to be sure I wasn't worthless like all the other trainers I pass by or defea without second thoughts. "
I don't know what that colon is doing there, and use spellcheck.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Anyway. Writing style seems a bit overwrought but as I'm not quite sure what you were going for, I can't really be sure of things. This seems to be a character study but I can't really make heads or tails of the resolution or if there is one.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5860493/1/Pokemon_Trainers
Huh. How ridiculous.
Anyway, so, "pokemon trainer" means "a person who trains pokemon", so you should use a different term for "a person with magic powers".
If people in this world hate people-with-magic-powers-you're-inexplicably-calling-pokemon-trainers, they should needn't to take a college course where they're told to hate trainers. Moreover, if people in this world hate them enough that if a random girl mentions that she doesn't totally agree that people-with-magic-powers-you're-inexplicably-calling-pokemon-trainers are the worst people in existence, they immediately lynch her, then how on earth did random girl live to be nineteen?
Incidentally, write out numbers with letters.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5860821/1/Cripples
[I'll admit that it made sense, for me not to interact with the kids. How could I play Hide and Seek when I couldn't count to twenty so that others could hear? How could I say 'Go Magikarp' when we played card games? It made sense. I just disliked the results. "
...uh, I don't think inability to _count_ out loud would really be their major problem in finding friends.
[My usual schedule for a typical day was breakfast, lessons with my mom (letters, numbers, etc. The basic stuff that Pokémon schools don't teach)]
And why wouldn't they have schools to teach the stuff you learn in school? If nothing else, they're not going to be able to learn much of anything else if they can't read a textbook.
Also, you wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
[Night was falling as I led my parents towards the spot. It had taken that long to get my story across. Some things sign language can't do, and I didn't know how to write well enough to get the point across.]
Uh, sign language is a language, and I don't really think it's unable to communicate that a dark thing appeared out of nowhere. I'm certain it's able to communicate that something weird appeared and it's in a forest, which should have been all that was needed.
I can see a six year old not communicating well in general, but even there I don't think it'd be that hard to get across that you want someone to come look at a thing.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, not mom. It's only in constructions like my/her/the mom that it's written as such.
...well, there's an afterschool special for you. Because "You can't speak? Oh, that's so similar to my problem. I'm unable to filter out psychic thoughts! Exactly the same." makes so much sense. What's really important is that all disabilities ever are completely interchangeable.
[Somehow, my six-year-old brain had figured that I was the only one who had suffered from disability.]
What, she thought sign language had been invented by her family?
[Those with disabilities should be helped, not ostracized. ]
...Look. If the other kids cannot speak to her, they cannot interact properly with her. It might suck, but that's not ostracizing someone. Ostracizing would be if they went out of their way to avoid her and continued to do so even when they were old enough for her to communicate.
[No, we're in Hoenn. So, you speak for me and I help you handle your empat-epmath-.
Empathy, she gently corrected.]
Oh, come on. Are you seriously having her mispronounce a word as she thinks it?
[so I just ate my Pidgey in Cheri Berry sauce]
This is particularly hilarious after the whole "boy, being ostracized is awful!" bit. You know what's awful? Being killed and eaten.
[Unshed tears glimmered in my mom's eyes. "The nearest school is in Rustboro City."]
What?
Okay, so this area, that has kids, doesn't have a school and normally sends kids away at age six? Or, and I am going out on a limb here because there is absolutely no indication, do you mean "nearest school that is able to handle a mute kid"? And if so, it seems like she'd have finally had the chance to interact with other kids, so that hardly seems like the worst thing ever.
And they've known about this for years, but, on top of being unable to find anyone else who knows sign language in the area, and on top of never bothering to actually get a psychic type to help her communicate, they've refused to do anything about this either? And she thinks her big problem is being disabled, and not the fact her parents are assholes? Despite having six years to realize this, they never did stuff like, say, move to Rustboro in advance so their six year old kid wouldn't have to be sent away? Despite the fact her mom doesn't even have a real job?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5860880/1/Silver_Star
Use said. Seriously, won't bite, lovely word, generally more appropriate for the sentence than whatever word you're using in its place.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Anyway, this seems to be boring and to have absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with pokemon beyond the fact that, presumably, the previous story the OCs come from may have used the word.
[So, welcome to the sequel of Silvers Kiss, and I have no clue what I'm doing.]
Uh-huh.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5861126/1/The_Legend_of_Oracion
Yeah, so if something is a really short story that mostly involves your own characters and makes no sense outside of the context of another story you wrote, it really shouldn't be getting posted by itself.
Anyway:
"Upon closer examination, I saw that the bird's wings were severely bruised. "
How exactly can you see that?
Look, you don't capitalize words like orange or apple, so it's oran berry, no caps.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5861295/1/Darkrai_and_his_team
[Fianlly]
Spellcheck.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
The Unreviewed:
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5859927/1/The_Sound_of_Falling_Rain
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5860019/1/carbon_dioxide
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5860055/1/Pokemon_Chronicles_The_New_Generation
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5860102/1/High_Tide_Blank_Canvas
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5860592/1/Protection
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5860433/1/The_pokemon_easter_party
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5860761/1/Catalyst
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5860826/1/No_One_Needs_to_Know
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5860971/1/The_Difference_of_Color
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5861212/1/Her_Diamonds
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5861306/1/Sea_of_Flames_I_The_Bomb
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Anyway, your wording is rather awkward.
""We are tired of digging. Can't we just have a break?" complained one of the scientists, the rest of the diggers joining in to attempt to further the plea"
Contractions other than "can't" exist. You avoid "we're" a lot throughout the dialogue. The narration is set up oddly - the tense makes it sound like the scientist is complaining at the exact same time as the rest of them are joining in.
Finally, the entire opening scene seems like it's an attempt to copy the way things work in movies. The thing is, in movies, people are actually seeing the place, so it's okay that a lot of the individual pieces aren't explained. Seeing everyone suddenly die is dramatic. Reading "Suddenly, the wall began to glow a brilliant blue colour, then there was a flash and all the diggers were dead. " is not.
"In this one particular house, lived a teenage boy named Zane. On this particular cold morning, Zane was excited because today he could officially become a Pokémon trainer. Strictly speaking, he had already been a trainer for two years, but only around the neighbourhood.
Zane had been given a Pokémon for his birthday two years ago."
Okay, so I really want to give you credit for this one, as I'm often complaining that people completely overlook the idea of getting a pokemon prior to setting out. However. Even if someone didn't set out at age ten, that's still the age you "could officially become a trainer". Additionally, someone who waited an extra two years would only be twelve, and since Zane's a teenager, he must be at least thirteen and therefore still waited at least one year without having a pokemon at all.
In addition, you don't explain how this state of affairs works, and you go on to use the fanon idea that professors are somehow intrinsically linked to the whole becoming a trainer thing, so even though he's already got a pokemon, it doesn't spare us the scene where he shows up on Rowan's doorstep.
Do not use " for thoughts. Ever. It just looks like your character is talking to themself.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5859757/2/Dark_Legends
[ "Your Snover is top notch. It is very healthy and well looked after. From what I can see, it is very strong. It is quite obvious that you have put quite a lot of care and attention into raising this Pokémon".
A surge of happiness hit Zane. He wasn't sure he had done a good enough job. The Professor thought for a minute, while Zane returned the Snover to its Poké Ball.
"I have worked with Pokémon my entire life. I have given countless trainers their first Pokémon, seen them progress through their journey. But you are something special. I can't put my finger on it, but something about you just tells me you will be a great trainer. I think it is your Snover, it is already been raised as if an expert Pokémon trainer has been raising it since it was young".
Now Zane really was happy. Too happy to speak.
The Professor continued, "At any rate, I don't think any of my starter Pokémon would be best suited to you. Although young, they are too old for you. Perhaps I should start you out with something a bit younger, something you can raise from scratch and bond with. Yes, follow me, I have just the thing".
Zane followed Professor Rowan out through another set of large steel doors, and found himself in a long, white room with several identical large machines side by side.
"This is the incubator room. In each of these machines is a Pokémon egg. Now, I know what is in most of these, having bred them from Pokémon myself, but there is one that I found just last night. It was on the pathway to Sandgem Town. I saw it on my way back home from the lab. I haven't had time to examine it yet".
"Are you giving me that egg?" Zane asked slowly.
A wide smile broke on Professor Rowan's face. "Yes. I think that a Pokémon you hatch yourself will be better suited to you than a Pokémon that has been bred in large numbers. It will give you the best possible start to your future as a trainer. Just make sure the Pokémon that hatches from the egg sees you first."]
WHAT.
Look. For one thing, I'm just going to assume it's a sue pokemon of specialness. Don't have sue pokemon of specialness.
But next, there's the fact you're heaping praise onto a character who hasn't actually done anything. You don't show Zane actually caring about his snover's wellbeing. You don't show him checking it over after a fight to make sure there are no injuries, show him feeding it, show him interacting with it in any way. It's just used here as a prop so Rowan can pontificate on how awesome he is and then give him something cool.
While I was initially holding out hope that you had some sort of reason Zane hadn't left, I see now that the only reason he had a pokemon earlier was to get an extra special starter and you're going with the idea trainers are only allowed to start somewhere in the teens. They don't. In absolutely no canon is this true.
Moreover, although it's clearly a sue pokemon of specialness, I assume there is some sort of plot related issue such that it's important to the story he gets an egg from the professor. (If not, consider everything after this replaced by swearing.) However, there are other ways to get a pokemon than Rowan announcing that he can tell Zane is a sue who deserves cool things. For example, one really good start would be, you know, not having a room full of incubators designed to hatch pokemon eggs. Having some sort of practical reason why Rowan would want to give Zane the egg, like the game idea that eggs need to be kept around other pokemon. Add in that the egg actually requires timeconsuming care (and Rowan doesn't want to deal with it, being busy) so that Zane is not getting a completely drawback-free sue pokemon, and it starts to make sense. To cap it off, kill the idea he just found the thing coincidentally when Zane was ready to leave and it just suddenly occurred to him Zane could take it - instead, have him invite Zane over to get the egg, and work out why he thinks Zane is the best person for it later.
OR: Since Rowan just found it, cut Rowan out entirely and have Zane just find it. I'm not really a fan of randomly finding special stuff, but it beats the alternative of someone else randomly finding special stuff followed by randomly giving it away.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5859757/3/Dark_Legends
The fact you actually had him losing is nice, but it's not really enough to make up for a long filler chapter where your character is so "humorously" stupid - or as it's better known, OOC - as to forget to bring food, followed by people in the pokemon world not recognizing a pokemon so your character can explain about it, because it's always so interesting to read characters saying stuff I've heard dozens of times.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5859997/1/The_Chronicles_of_Dimitri
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
In addition, if your chapter is only a few hundred words long, it's probably not long enough to be a real chapter and would be better served being combined with the next one.
Also, this is nonsensical.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5860076/1/Burning_Fire
All italics makes it hard to read.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Your story is extremely unclear. There are earthquakes, so a boy is running around his house stuffing things into bags and...then running to the docks to get to Kanto? You're really not supposed to be running around during an earthquake, and going toward the docks when you do so is even worse.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Speaking of rules, names also have rules. Your characters seem to have been named at random, and in some cases possibly by picking letters out of a hat.
If you have another character hanging out on a boat wearing earbuds, it pretty much kills any chance you had at drama, since they obviously don't think what's happening is too important.
Finally, while I know pokemon names aren't standard in your spellcheck, that's why you should look them up to be sure they're not misspelled. For example, it's "gyarados", not "gyrados".
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5860109/1/Shooting_Stars
Use said. Seriously, won't bite, lovely word, generally more appropriate for the sentence than whatever word you're using in its place.
If he wants the game and is old enough his mom thinks he should outgrow it, why doesn't he just buy it himself instead of needing his mother to get it for him?
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
["I wish Pokémon was real. I wish this boring ol' normal world wouldn't exist. I wish we could both live in the Pokémon world and both be Pokémon trainers. I wish we could possess powers that no normal person could have and be able to save the world and become Pokémon masters."]
So he's not so much wishing pokemon were real as he's wishing they could be sues with superpowers in a pokemon fanfic. That's...oddly meta.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5860309/1/A_Fire_Inside
Mechanically decent, but pretty meh storywise. You're vague, and you're just saying the same things about these characters as plenty of others have said.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5860326/1/What_the_heck
Terrible.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5860334/1/A_new_journey
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5860340/1/Seeing_The_Light
Don't use ' for dialogue, it's easy to overlook and a lot of people use it to indicate thoughts. Use " when someone's speaking.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
"He reached the door after what seemed like years. He twisted the handle forcefully and wrenched the door open violently, almost hitting the unfortunate person standing outside full in the face.
He was about the push past them; the impossibility of apologising never crossed his mind. However, a pair of mild chocolate eyes and a large white hat stopped him in his tracks before he could take another step.
Kotone stood there, awkwardly. An arcanine stood behind her, eyeing him distrustfully. She blinked at him in shock, then smiled, as though she were happy to see him, despite the fact he had almost broken her nose."
I don't quite know where this style comes from, but it's not good. It reads like you wrote out the actions then plunked down adjectives wherever you thought they might fit. Your basic mechanics are okay, but your wording isn't. Try to write more naturally.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5860421/1/hysteria
"Whenever I ran into you, I challenged you. I needed to assure myself I wasn't the pathetic trainer I'd thought of you as: I needed to be sure I wasn't worthless like all the other trainers I pass by or defea without second thoughts. "
I don't know what that colon is doing there, and use spellcheck.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Anyway. Writing style seems a bit overwrought but as I'm not quite sure what you were going for, I can't really be sure of things. This seems to be a character study but I can't really make heads or tails of the resolution or if there is one.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5860493/1/Pokemon_Trainers
Huh. How ridiculous.
Anyway, so, "pokemon trainer" means "a person who trains pokemon", so you should use a different term for "a person with magic powers".
If people in this world hate people-with-magic-powers-you're-inexplicably-calling-pokemon-trainers, they should needn't to take a college course where they're told to hate trainers. Moreover, if people in this world hate them enough that if a random girl mentions that she doesn't totally agree that people-with-magic-powers-you're-inexplicably-calling-pokemon-trainers are the worst people in existence, they immediately lynch her, then how on earth did random girl live to be nineteen?
Incidentally, write out numbers with letters.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5860821/1/Cripples
[I'll admit that it made sense, for me not to interact with the kids. How could I play Hide and Seek when I couldn't count to twenty so that others could hear? How could I say 'Go Magikarp' when we played card games? It made sense. I just disliked the results. "
...uh, I don't think inability to _count_ out loud would really be their major problem in finding friends.
[My usual schedule for a typical day was breakfast, lessons with my mom (letters, numbers, etc. The basic stuff that Pokémon schools don't teach)]
And why wouldn't they have schools to teach the stuff you learn in school? If nothing else, they're not going to be able to learn much of anything else if they can't read a textbook.
Also, you wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
[Night was falling as I led my parents towards the spot. It had taken that long to get my story across. Some things sign language can't do, and I didn't know how to write well enough to get the point across.]
Uh, sign language is a language, and I don't really think it's unable to communicate that a dark thing appeared out of nowhere. I'm certain it's able to communicate that something weird appeared and it's in a forest, which should have been all that was needed.
I can see a six year old not communicating well in general, but even there I don't think it'd be that hard to get across that you want someone to come look at a thing.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, not mom. It's only in constructions like my/her/the mom that it's written as such.
...well, there's an afterschool special for you. Because "You can't speak? Oh, that's so similar to my problem. I'm unable to filter out psychic thoughts! Exactly the same." makes so much sense. What's really important is that all disabilities ever are completely interchangeable.
[Somehow, my six-year-old brain had figured that I was the only one who had suffered from disability.]
What, she thought sign language had been invented by her family?
[Those with disabilities should be helped, not ostracized. ]
...Look. If the other kids cannot speak to her, they cannot interact properly with her. It might suck, but that's not ostracizing someone. Ostracizing would be if they went out of their way to avoid her and continued to do so even when they were old enough for her to communicate.
[No, we're in Hoenn. So, you speak for me and I help you handle your empat-epmath-.
Empathy, she gently corrected.]
Oh, come on. Are you seriously having her mispronounce a word as she thinks it?
[so I just ate my Pidgey in Cheri Berry sauce]
This is particularly hilarious after the whole "boy, being ostracized is awful!" bit. You know what's awful? Being killed and eaten.
[Unshed tears glimmered in my mom's eyes. "The nearest school is in Rustboro City."]
What?
Okay, so this area, that has kids, doesn't have a school and normally sends kids away at age six? Or, and I am going out on a limb here because there is absolutely no indication, do you mean "nearest school that is able to handle a mute kid"? And if so, it seems like she'd have finally had the chance to interact with other kids, so that hardly seems like the worst thing ever.
And they've known about this for years, but, on top of being unable to find anyone else who knows sign language in the area, and on top of never bothering to actually get a psychic type to help her communicate, they've refused to do anything about this either? And she thinks her big problem is being disabled, and not the fact her parents are assholes? Despite having six years to realize this, they never did stuff like, say, move to Rustboro in advance so their six year old kid wouldn't have to be sent away? Despite the fact her mom doesn't even have a real job?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5860880/1/Silver_Star
Use said. Seriously, won't bite, lovely word, generally more appropriate for the sentence than whatever word you're using in its place.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Anyway, this seems to be boring and to have absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with pokemon beyond the fact that, presumably, the previous story the OCs come from may have used the word.
[So, welcome to the sequel of Silvers Kiss, and I have no clue what I'm doing.]
Uh-huh.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5861126/1/The_Legend_of_Oracion
Yeah, so if something is a really short story that mostly involves your own characters and makes no sense outside of the context of another story you wrote, it really shouldn't be getting posted by itself.
Anyway:
"Upon closer examination, I saw that the bird's wings were severely bruised. "
How exactly can you see that?
Look, you don't capitalize words like orange or apple, so it's oran berry, no caps.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5861295/1/Darkrai_and_his_team
[Fianlly]
Spellcheck.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
The Unreviewed:
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5859927/1/The_Sound_of_Falling_Rain
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5860019/1/carbon_dioxide
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5860055/1/Pokemon_Chronicles_The_New_Generation
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5860102/1/High_Tide_Blank_Canvas
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5860592/1/Protection
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5860433/1/The_pokemon_easter_party
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5860761/1/Catalyst
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5860826/1/No_One_Needs_to_Know
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5860971/1/The_Difference_of_Color
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5861212/1/Her_Diamonds
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5861306/1/Sea_of_Flames_I_The_Bomb
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Date: 2010-04-02 11:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-02 12:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-02 05:39 pm (UTC)