NaRe, Day Two
Apr. 2nd, 2010 11:04 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/5861496/1/Icy_Requiem
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
This is pretty disjointed. It's just a series of actions that don't seem to have much connection with each other. Also, if you're going to write a chapter that's a battle and nothing much else, you have to do more than saying that a character used a move name.
[I yelled pretty pissed off and launched myself at him with a Drill Peck, and which he smoothly dodged and hit me dead on with a Dark Pulse. I backed up a little, before unleashing a Hydro Pump that knocked the Weavile off his feet. I rushed over and picked him up, and then sent him right back into the ground with a Flash Cannon.]
It's just not good writing. You don't say what any of this actually means, and you could easily change the names of those moves without changing anything else in the sentence.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5861579/1/Pokemon_Heart_Crest
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
[I think that would be unwise, for however monstrous this Pokemon is, killing it would be frowned upon by many employees. ]
Since when does Giovanni care what his employees think?
["Fine, release it at once. But…" He stopped the man from leaving with his cold stare. "Release it near Kincoal Mountain, if it survives there then it deserves to live." ]
Right. And he can't just tell those employees whose opinion he inexplicably cares about that they "released it" somewhere far away in the middle of nowhere, but has to actually do it, because...Giovanni values honesty so much?
[I will not allow this Eevee to get in the way of our plans…" ]
THAT IS WHY GOD MADE GUNS.
...and now they're tossing the eevee out of a helicopter in the general direction of a mountain. Yeah. Because those employees would hate it if you killed the thing, but tossing it out of an aircraft, sure, whatever.
And now emo boy is being randomly emo, and then not emo again.
And the eevee is an amnesiac person! I hate the fact I can honestly call that overdone.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5861671/1/The_Island_and_The_Volcano
Huh. I like most of this - your narration is pretty good, and the volcano metaphor is good without seeming too forced. It feels like it's the way he might actually see things. But the sudden "of course! friendship!" bit was pretty lame. How, exactly, are does that translate into winning? It's a copout to just say that Red's winning passion is just love for his pokemon - obviously he was also pretty passionate about winning, since it's not like they're gameboy players, they don't have to be trainers to have pokemon or go around battling. And honestly the battling style of overwhelming fury doesn't seem to have any connection to caring about pokemon. You can explain something like this - that because they're friends his pokemon try harder, or that Red better knows his pokemon's exact strengths and limits, that sort of thing. But just saying "power of friendship!" and calling it done is pretty trite.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5861701/1/State_of_Being_Moony
[I haven't seen the moon so round before, not to mention, incredibly white]
I think you're confusing "white" and "bright" here. The moon's surface is discolored, so even if the overall light coming off it is a lot more than usual, there will still be lighter and darker areas. And if she's somewhere with low enough light pollution that the stars are widely visible, then the moon should generally look very white.
[and the stars being little cameras, out in the night just like a paparazzi.]
Your wording is just awkward. If nothing else, the jump from plural to singular is really distracting.
Anyway, this doesn't seem like it has much of anything to do with pokemon in general or Misty in particular. She's at least not particularly out of character, which is nice, but it feels like you wrote about the moon and stars, realized you needed a canon character to make it a fanfic, and jammed her into it. It feels like you'd have been better off either saving the moon part for a longer fanfic where it might tie in better or else developing it until it could stand on its own as an original story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5861718/1/Childs_Play
[She and her brother weren't like other kids their age, or humans of any age for that matter. They were still human, just special. They both had green eyes, their father's eyes. Lily had brown hair that resembled mahogany, and her brother had black hair, as dark as the curtains in his room. He was about five feet tall, with a medium build, and slightly tanned from fieldwork with their father. Lily was slender, none of her muscles showed, but she was strong compared to other girls her age, and even stronger than some boys. She was tan, just like her brother, from working outside with her dad.
These characteristics, however, were not the reason for their diversity. They could do things…with their minds. They could make things levitate, they could speak with the creatures of their word, and they could read minds. Their mother and father had studied them and their behavior for a long time, attempting to discover the source of their incredible power. The only thing that they had come up with was that their children had I.Q.'s that made the world's most renowned scientists seem like children.]
So...they're sues, basically. And why do characters always have to be incredibly tall for their age? They should be barely four feet if they've just turned ten.
Also, if the kids are so damn smart, why don't they study themselves and figure it out?
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Anyway, it's a boring wakeup sequence that I'm thoroughly sick of, so I'll be stopping here.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5861886/1/Aysce_Eevee_Assassin
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
[She was a very special Espeon, because she wasn't really an Espeon at all, but a very special Eevee. Why was she so special? Because she is the only Eevee to ever shift from evolution to evolution then back to an Eevee again. All it took was a matter of seconds to evolve from an Eevee to an Espeon quick change to a Vaporeon to a Flareon or back to an Eevee once again.]
How very unique and special and definitely not common.
[It all related back to her mother and father. Her mother, a beautiful Umbreon, grew up next to some sort of ice rock, but somehow not evolving into a Glaceon because of its trainer's training. After evolving into an Umbreon, it's trainer tried to use a Water Stone and and Fire Stone beause he was inexperienced.
The poor Umbreon accidentally swallowed it. Then she met Aysce's father, an Espeon who grew up next to a mossy rock and had a similar experience to Aysce's mother, where it's trainer used a Thunder Stone to try and make it evolve again. The result of the two? Aysce.]
It's like I can almost see you throwing up your hands and going, "Fuck it, who cares?" Bonus points for the pronoun fail. It really hammers in how utterly irrelevant they are to you. And how trainers just randomly exist despite the fact eevee apparently have their own country and government.
[Prince Leafia]
[he inherited the girly sounding Japanese name for Leafeons like all the first born royalties of the seven evolutions. ]
But - it - you - ...what?
[Aysce faked a blush once again and looked down. These sorts of things lead to her secret title known only to assassins, "Acting Aysce." Some people would say her name in the wrong way, but it easily rhymed with "Macey." ]
I should probably just stop reading, but I'm morbidly fascinated.
[She chose to strike then, poisoning Leafia with a poison powder, then changing into an Espeon. Leafia couldn't even call out for help as Aysce used psychic power to move the poison faster through Leafia's system. ]
I am not disappointed.
Truly I can see why she's such an awesome assassin. It's not like grass types have many weaknesses, and of those very few they do, certainly none of them relate to the various types she can turn into, making her plan here clearly brilliant and not a string of bizarre and stupid nonsense.
[Why was she working as an assassin anyway? She was plenty too young. That's what others thought, but the truth was that her parents were part of this business ]
So besides the fact this is nonsensical, her parents, including sir dumbass who accidentally swallows an evolution stone, were assassins as well as owned by trainers?
[It's going to be such a fluffy story~ ]
Yeah, I can totally see that.
Anyway, as amusing a diversion as this has been, nonsense does get wearying, so I won't be continuing.
Oh, and "its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5862393/1/Gotta_Scare_Em_All
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
[A cool breeze swept passed him from the entrance, and Trevor wondered to himself if it really was a tower built by humans. It certainly didn't look like it, from the way the bricks seemed out of place and the way the ivy clung to the tower as if it were the only reason to hold the whole building up. ]
Let me help you out here: IF THERE ARE BRICKS IT WAS BUILT BY PEOPLE, AND NOT EVEN THAT LONG AGO. Seriously. Those things don't grow on trees. And ivy kind of does the exact opposite of holding buildings up. It's like you're just randomly mixing together cliché scary words without any idea of what they mean.
In addition, bricks are crap for building a tall, narrow tower, and although you can do it, you would never get a period where the tower looked like it should fall down but is still perfectly functioning, because once structural integrity starts to go, it's coming down. If it's in bad condition it shouldn't even be safe to stand near.
Huh, looks like you're doing dialogue properly.
["Well, the tower is...er, well -- a resting place. Sorta, but not really. You see, um, the tower is where all the town's Pokemon go to sleep," she said, stumbling over her explanation.
Trevor really didn't understand her, though. "What do you mean, sleep?"
"Um...well, every Pokemon in the world goes to sleep one day and never gets up, right?"]
The whole "sleep" thing is feels incredibly contrived and the fact it's such a cliché certainly doesn't help matters, though. Dancing around the subject only makes sense if you're trying to prevent them from working out you mean "dead". If you desperately want to drag the conversation out, there are moderately less hideously overdone ways - saying it's where some pokemon go, maybe referencing old or sick ones when pressed. You know, something with a legitimate double meaning.
[Holy crap, that freakin' huge tower had the corpses of Pokemon in it? That big thing? ]
And - you mean that big green field over there with the stones is full of DEAD PEOPLE? That huge place? OMG OMG!!!
Seriously, what's the big deal? Has he never heard of cemeteries?
[Well, I have to go no.]
Now.
[She giggled, but now the giggle was no longer cute. It sounded evil and shrill to his ears. The girl herself seemed to have devolved into an unearthly, creepy imp. Trevor shivered.]
[The girl looked positively ghoulish as she stepped back into the shadowy entrance of the cave -- no, Pokemon Tower. Her eyes seemed to turn red, or at least red-rimmed, and her grin turned malicious. Her pigtails appeared to move by themselves.
"Well then," she said in a gravelly, unusually deep voice that made Trevor let out a little shriek, "I guess that white hand on your shoulder must be my imagination."]
Yeah, so making her randomly monstrous wasn't such a great idea. The creepy bit about the Lavender girl isn't that she, personally, is a ghost, although meeting a ghost girl would be creepy. It's the idea there's something that looks conventionally like a ghost standing right behind you, about to grab you. Combining the two just undercuts both. Also, the creepiness is suggested rather than overt, and that's part of why it works.
You could keep the tone of the original game event by having him chat with a girl who disappears shortly after he says he doesn't believe in ghosts, or if it's the original scene you like, you could have her being a real girl who mentions the ghost hand and when he turns he blacks out - but without the whole "and when he asked, no one knew anything about any girl that fit her description! BOO!" tacked on. But making her a ghost makes there being another ghost there kind of redundant, and the exchange doesn't even make sense.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5862639/1/Doppelganger
[A little drabble, wrote it when I was bored.
Sorta related, not really. You pick the pair. Personally, I think it's either Red and Yellow, Blue and Green, or Ruby and Sapphire.]
If this is ever true about your fanfic, you're doing it wrong.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
And yeah, just as you said this doesn't seem to have any connection to anyone in particular, which makes the attempt to get into their head startlingly underwhelming and likely has something to do with how cartoonishly exaggerated everything is.
[So to try and stop the pain, she steeled her heart—but in the end, she failed. Not entirely—no, instead she became what he now was—she lost her heart to the coldness. She too, became aloof, ruthless, cold, uncaring.
She too, was replaced by her doppelganger; the real her was never coming back.
The real her was now and forever trapped in the corner of the mind that wasn't hers.]
I mean, seriously.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5862661/1/Kairis_Problem
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[She turned round to see a boy with a red and white hat and clothes which looked kind of like Sora's and a small yellow creature that reminded Kairi of Larxene. ]
Wow, I think this takes the cake for terrible description. Lots of lazy authors like to say "looked like so-and-so", and yes, it's terrible writing, but at least they only do it with characters that actually look like the other character. Maybe next she could explain how he had a this turtle that looked like Axel?
...did Kairi even ever meet Larxene?
["I'm Kairi. You guys kind of remind me of some people." Kairi said, trying not to be rude.]
I'd be more worried about why I felt compelled to respond to people asking who I am by telling them about how they remind me of other people, because that would appear to be completely random and have nothing to do with anything.
["Defiantly no pokemon." Brock said. ]
It's 'definitely'.
And now TR has randomly decided to steal her key, and now Axel is randomly joining them, and now I'm going to stop reading because come on.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5862993/1/Willows_Pokemon_Adventure
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and "Sinnoh". "Saga" similarly comes in at a hundred.
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Arguments consisting of "can so!" and "can not!" are boring. They do not magically stop being boring just because you wrote them down, they become even more boring. They are one of the only openings that are actually worse than the characters waking up, and when they are taking place as a prelude to breakfast, you're really combining the worst of all possible ideas.
As to the actual story, if ten year olds actually were so hideously stupid as to not even know which starters were available in their own area, then there's no way they'd ever be allowed to leave on a journey or, honestly, trusted to walk from their front door to the bus stop without an escort.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
And you start a new paragraph with each a new speaker..
...and now the starters are sick so she's getting an egg. As her first pokemon. Because the whole thing has been distilled down to a completely ritualized scene with any object placed in the hands of the professor to be given out, likelihood, logic or even physics be damned.
And now for no reason she's going to a new region.
I'd forgotten just how much I hated OT fic.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5863077/1/The_Wayside_Games
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"The winner of the Wayside Championship will be awarded a plaque, trophy, five hundred thousand dollars and the choice of one of six concealed Pokémon. "
...why, exactly? If they're not even saying what the pokemon are in advance, why bother finding an extra five of them?
["You're eighteen. Dude. What do you think other eighteen year olds do with their time?"
"Other eighteen year olds aren't working with renowned gym leaders."
He paused. "True, but-"
"Other eighteen year olds aren't renowned gym leaders themselves."
"Alright, alright-"
"Other eighteen year olds don't have the kind of reputation I do to uphold."]
Er, maybe, but only because plenty of the gym leaders are like, twelve, and half of them are about sixteen.
Use said. Seriously, won't bite, lovely word, generally more appropriate for the sentence than whatever word you're using in its place. The sighing and smiling is getting really distracting.
Huh, so the island they're on is sinking. That's an unusual threat, but I can't help think that if they're worried about relocating the wild pokemon and such, they should be able to do it themselves. They're trainers, after all.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5863077/2/The_Wayside_Games
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
["Come on. I don't think I have any Revives left, but we can head to the store… the nearest one's on the shore, of course, but maybe Milotic-"
"I'm not leaving her here alone." Tony looked like a little kid, scrubbing at one eye with a fisted hand while being tugged along forcibly by his testy brunette companion. "I don't want her to get hurt even worse while we're out hunting for a Revive. Damn it, Ross-" ]
POKEBALLS. THIS IS WHAT THEY ARE FOR.
["Poor thing. Isn't her defense pretty high, though?"
"The highest." It was said without arrogance, not at all any kind of gloating or pride. "Whoever did it must've been strong. I mean, she's not really capable of doing much of use aside from using Surf, but it must've taken them something like an hour to get her in… this state." He gestured vaguely at his beloved Pokémon, sniffling. ]
Uh, so she was getting beat up for an hour, and they didn't hear anything? Particularly unfitting for a lapras of all things - there's all that stuff about their call and a whole game sidequest based around the fact people can hear one calling from deep in cave.
[The odd man looked up, revealing eyes, both of which were an odd silvery grey. "En. The Wanderer, the Lost Soul, the Traveling Gym Leader." ]
Oh come on.
["En? Seriously?" He sounded disgusted. Pissed off, to be frank.
The newcomer's face suddenly betrayed a level of insecurity, his hands flying up and fluttering about in a furious, abstract pattern. As did the Mr. Mime's, comically.
"Y-yes, En!" He cleared his throat. "Spelled like Ed. Except with an N. En. Pronounced like the letter. Ennn."]
Well, there's some mood whiplash.
[If half of the newbies who come here hoping to beat Mire had a Ditto on their team, Ross thought, watching Tony for a reaction, they might actually win once in a while.]
...yeah, because what can beat a swampert but a ditto? Truly, the only way you can take down a ground/water type that's got the stats of a tank is by fielding an identical pokemon that's got crappier stats, and not, say, razor leaf.
["Water Gun!" Came En's desperate order. And, with all of Mire's power, the Ditto obeyed. The stream of water slammed hard into Mire's midsection, making the massive Swampert recoil violently. ]
a) totally not how it works
b) swampert = tank. They can take a few hits. Their defense is about equal to that of a lapras, for the record.
["Uh, anyway. Can I have a ride to the Mainland, maybe?"
Ross and Tony's faces fell.
"Is that why you came here?" Tony asked.
"For a ride?" Ross added.
"Is that why you gave us the Revive at all?"
En made a sound deep in his chest that essentially said yes, yes, and I'd do it again. ]
"So, you mean you were going to give us the revive either way, but were just stalling while my horribly beaten, unconscious lapras is lying right in front of us?"
"Well, duh."
Comedy gold. Good thing you made sure to turn this into a farce at the first opportunity, or someone might have made the mistake of thinking anything actually mattered.
["I can't believe you two let that Lapras go!"
"Ma-m-mawile!"
"Oh, stop, Starr. There are more water Pokemon in the sea."
"But that was Antinous Rex's Lapras, you fools!"
"…wile."
"He has more Pokemon, doesn't he?"
"…yes, that much is true."
"And so does that Ross Grenval. He's not bad, himself."
"And when that weirdo En trains up that Ditto of his…"
"Heading over to Castle Wayside doesn't sound like such a bad idea, huh?"
"I'll call the boss immediately. I have the best ideas, don't I?"
"…Maaaawile."
"Idiot." ]
Because the only better way to end than with LOLwacky is with the promise of Team Rocket knockoffs in all their filler glory.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5863135/1/The_Black_Rose
["I like so sick of you!"
The peeved ginger stomped her foot yelling at her blue haired companion. This isn't the first time they were fighting. It happened all the time. It was actually a routine. The flamed red head tugged her jumper obviously infuriated with her so called "friend" Dawn.]
This is terrible writing, both in terms of mechanics and characterization. Get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5863324/1/Bad_Sister
[You must be mistaking me, for I did not just do that. That was what I wanted to say in a situation like this, but denial was simply ridiculous.]
Your writing here and throughout is overwrought, to the point it's a chore to follow the actual story. Focus on writing clearly, not trying to look impressive.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You also switch between present and past tense. Don't do that.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5863413/1/Locked_in_the_Leagues
It's depressing that I immediately knew his dad won the fight. After all, the idea a guy's wife could be better than him at anything other than the designated womanly task of making him a sandwich is unacceptable.
Trainers start at ten, not fifteen.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Also, more generally, you seem to be using dialogue as a crutch. You have some description, but it's all in solid chunks, and you don't have much in the way of other narration. It's mostly just what people were wearing.
...wow, I was really hoping the whole dad wins/mom loses thing would be the worst of it. That'll teach me to feel hope.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5864101/1/Create_A_MarySue_in_12_Easy_Steps
Look. It's great that you want people to write better.
But. You're exaggerating ridiculously and framing everything in absolutes. All this accomplishes is having people chime in that you're so right!!! (because obviously, by agreeing they show themselves as good, non-sue-writing authors) and makes them feel better about their own writing. After all, they didn't spend multiple paragraphs on her eyes and hair, just one! And she doesn't have any powers! They wrote a good character, not like those other stupid people. The fact they agree that having literally everyone in the story all fall in love with her is a bad idea proves they're super awesome experienced writers, who aren't writing sues at all.
[Pokémon choices are any that are rare or mythological, such as Dratini, Bagon, Metagross, or even a legendary Pokémon that they've befriended and then captured. They must evolve quickly, never disobey commands, and also be able of destroying a solid steel wall with a sneeze. ]
No problem there! They started with an eevee who is spunky and gives them trouble until they save its life (LEIK ASH AND PIKACHU), and is not superpowered because then that would kill all the drama at how hard she works to win, which she does in every single fight. Also, this one time the eevee disobeys her to save her life.
…
This always happens. Don't frame these kinds of things as "a sue is" because it just means anyone who doesn't exactly hit your points will take it as a seal of approval. This doesn't even seem to touch much on how fandom sues function - most of it seems like a sloppily reskinned version of a generic rant. (Seriously, you mention metagross and not eevee?)
[Author's note: Don't hate, it's a parody. Some usefulness can be obtained by going against the guidelines, otherwise it's complete crack, aimed at all these authors who think their stories are so original. ]
And they've all just read this and confirmed that those people calling her a sue have are crazy and should be ignored. Their story is totally different than this.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5864166/1/Roses_Origin
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
At least you seem to be writing the dialogue itself properly, that's rare.
This story is nine paragraphs - which probably means around eighteen sentences - long. It doesn't even fill the screen. And it's just Darkrai rambling in the bizarrely circuitous way of a Saturday morning cartoon villain. The few scraps of relevant information you give seem like they'd be better off revealed later as the main character works it out.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5864242/1/Our_World
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Also, "blonde" is the feminine form. It's "blond" for boys.
Anyway, the country interactions are kind of interesting, but Hetalia generally gets less interesting with each step it's removed from being anthromorphic representations, such as rewriting the backstory so America runs off with a pidgey or just generally caring about things like pokemon.
...actually, come to think of it someone might do something amusing by having their views on pokemon and training mirror how the pokemon fad hit different countries.
But just them as pokemon trainers, kind of meh.
I am actually feeling pretty mellow. To keep it that way, go check out the unreviewed story thread and see if there are diamonds lurking amid the
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2010-04-03 08:07 am (UTC)[he inherited the girly sounding Japanese name for Leafeons like all the first born royalties of the seven evolutions. ]
This little bit right here is just beautiful. Just when I think I've found everything wrong with it, I realize it's nonsensical in yet another way I hadn't even considered.
no subject
Date: 2010-04-03 03:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-03 12:18 pm (UTC)Namine, yes. Kairi, not directly to my knowledge. I have no idea why I felt the need to point that out.
Since there aren't the bulk of Christmas fics and romances, I think the bad writing is becoming concentrated in one specific direction of OT fics. Or maybe, one can only hope if not believe, it's just today.
no subject
Date: 2010-04-03 03:58 pm (UTC)I think the bad writing is becoming concentrated in one specific direction of OT fics. Or maybe, one can only hope if not believe, it's just today.
Ah, but see, I like OT fics. Romance is soulkilling because it's bad but I can't really tear it apart, just scream in horror at each new stupid turn the plot takes. With OT fic, I can diagram exactly what went wrong and what they should have done instead.