NaRe, Day Six
Apr. 6th, 2010 10:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farla
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5872064/1/Mesprits_Horrific_Myth
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[I lay in my lake depths, contemplating nothing, my heartbeat so slow I could barely be called alive. ]
The problem is you go on to claim that Mesprit's been chatting with the other two and that there's some change that's worrying them and such. There's a similar contraction in
[In my dormant state, it almost feels as if it is only those bonds holding me to life itself. And if one of those bonds were to slip away, I too would fall. I knew the recipients at the other end felt the same way, and we were happy in our undisturbed state. ]
when you have it talking about how it'd fall, which has a pretty negative connotation, but at the same time claiming they're happy with the current state of affairs. Basically, your flowery language seems at odds with the facts you give.
Anyway, I think you could stand to better integrate the legend into the story - you simply have it at the opening, then at the ending you list how it didn't come into play. For example, having Mesprit thinking it initially, and then realizing that people taken the warning and subverted it at the end might work better.
It's also just - well, it doesn't really go anywhere. Better developing Mesprit's character would help here. Right now it's incredibly passive - it's dormant, than it just knows something's wrong, then something's wrong, then it shows up to confirm something's wrong, then it's caught. Having it be a real surprise might help, as would having Mesprit reference people trying things before and always being easily stopped - if they're confident, then defeated, that's more of a character arc, and would also better explain why they rush in so blindly.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5872557/1/The_Return_of_HOOH
This is terrible, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5872640/1/Pokemon_The_Chronicles_of_Hiro
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and "Sinnoh". "Saga" similarly comes in at a hundred.
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
Incidentally, "Hiro" stopped being a clever name about five years ago.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
["NO!" cried the unfortunate owner of the recently fainted pokemon. "How is it possible for a Scyther to beat a Charmeleon!" he cried out. ]
Don't reuse words close together.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
::sigh::
Look, opening with a battle? Been done. Surprise reveal that it's merely a battle the main character is watching on TV? Not a surprise. Kid randomly saying he wants to be a trainer out of the blue... Yeah.
What's really a shame here is that, tiresome as it is that the opening battle never is the actual opening to the story, the bit with his dad is perfectly decent and establishes the setting. It's always nice to see some suggestion that things are going on outside of the protagonist's sight. Of course, then you go on to have him ask a string of forced, leading questions and write a lot of dialogue that isn't interesting - seriously, no one is really curious about whether or not a character believes Wallace is a strong trainer, unless perhaps the answer is no.
Write out numbers with letters.
When used in place of a name, it's written Dad, not dad. It's only in constructions like my/her/the dad that it's written as such.
[is a pokemon egg I found a week ago. I was on my daily walk and I saw a Delibird. Now, Delibirds are very rare in the Hoenn Region, so I caught and, later, looked in its sack to find out what it had, turns out it had this egg. I have no idea what will hatch from the egg, so, I'm going to give it to you. ]
Ugh. Instead of having him catch a pokemon, he catches a random pokemon that shouldn't be there, and then finds it has something it shouldn't have, and then randomly hands that over.
[The Oldale pokemon tournament is coming up in a few days, when that egg hatches, you can go and get your pokemon license, and have the remaining time to catch and train pokemon for the tournament. If you win, or make it to the semi-finals, or finals]
Here, the issue is that if he's able to win against actual trainers with a pokemon that's a few days old, then it's obvious that relative ability is meaningless and you're just going to make him win whenever you feel like it. It makes it clear your world has no internal logic for his parents to think this.
[Then as if by magic, the egg started to glow.]
As if by magic indeed. You realize that when people say "a wizard did it", they are not praising the writer. It is not something people did on purpose. It is not a technique you should emulate.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5872820/1/Gilded_Frontier
["Send them in immediately," he growled, and then hung up.
As if under a spell, everyone in the room instantly ceased what they were doing, sat up, and turned their heads to gaze the door. ]
Considering you just established some of them were asleep, no, I don't think so. Think before you write.
["You can see here that last month's profit was barely a profit at all; we came darn close to breaking even."]
"Close to breaking even" means "almost made enough money to pay for operations but not quite. If you mean "made very little profit" you need to say "only breaking even" or some other modifier that indicates breaking even is a step back.
Also, darn? Really.
Look, if your plot is "new frontier brains!" then it'd make a lot more sense to have the new things built when they started to notice competition, not once they're a month away from the red. It'd also make a lot more sense for people to notice this well before they were a month away from the red. Finally, why on earth are they having this meeting if he already realized this was a problem, decided on his own that the only solution was more buildings, had them built, and recruited people to run them? If he has to justify himself to them now by explaining the whole profit issue, then he should have had to explain why he was randomly ordering ordering new buildings originally.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5872915/1/Umbreon_and_the_Prophecy_of_Darkness
["Are we there yet?" Dawn asked impatiently, "We've been walking for hours!"
"Stop bugging Dawn. We're almost there." Said Brock, looking at the map again.
"It's just over Mt. Coronet. No problem!" said Ash, looking over Brock's shoulder at the huge mountain ahead of them.
The trio reached the base of the mountain. Next to it, there was a sign that said, 'Enjoy a wonderful hike on Mt. Coronet!' ]
You can use narration for this. Really. Instead of having stupid people stupidly talking about stupid things, you can just start the story with "At the base of Mt. Coronet" and then we won't be starting the story with me hoping they all die for being so annoying.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Okay, so they meet a random guy playing a flute, and then he asks if anyone knows a song they can play, and then Brock does and it's randomly the right one to do something weird with the mysterious statue? You really need to work on your plotting.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5873149/1/How_it_Came_to_Be
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[A man with a Pikachu on his shoulder, messy black hair, and warm brown eyes (thirty eight and a half) emerged with a woman wearing an expensive sundress (thirty eight). She had long orange hair and cerulean blue eyes. The man was laughing at his two older children (seventeen and eighteen). They were both coupled up. The woman, however, was making sure her son (five) was safe, watching his playful form with vigilant eyes.
Another couple emerged seconds later, trailing behind happily, watching their two children play; there was a twelve year age difference between their son and daughter. The man had green hair and eyes (thirty seven) (his son was a mirror image of himself), and the woman had brown hair and pale blue eyes (thirty six).
Behind them, a third couple emerged. This one was of an elegant woman (about thirty six) with dark blue hair and blue eyes and a man (thirty five) with dark blue hair and chocolate brown eyes. They had the twin girls (Fifteen, almost sixteen).
The last couple was of a man with brown hair that spiked slightly (thirty eight) and a gorgeous brunette (thirty seven).
All of the adults were wearing designer clothes.
(A/N: Like I said, tooooooooo muuuuuuchh !!!! Sorry…) ]
Okay, so I was going to tell you to knock it off with the ages, but I'm going to just assume you're a troll at this point. This is absolutely awful writing.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5873168/1/Dazing
Don't repost things without fixing anything, it's obnoxious.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5873342/1/Return
Huh, that was cute.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5873402/1/Fanfic50_Pokemon_Special
[and the X chromosome half(meaning, the girls)]
For fuck's sake. I can't even yell about this, the English language doesn't have the words for how much I hate you right now.
[Word Count: 816 ]
[The first for Fanfic50! This is kinda crazy, me taking on a challenge and writing 50 drabbles ]
No words.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5873470/1/Of_a_Darkness_Fortold
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Plotwise, though, this is actually rather nice.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5873509/1/Mr_RedEyes
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Your story feels extremely rushed. You need more description and narration in general. Right now, your characters feel like they're running around in a void with occasional features.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5873553/1/Crash_And_Burn
A chapter should not be two paragraphs long, and your author's notes shouldn't be longer than it is.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5873604/1/Rebirth
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
You need to watch your tenses. You switch between past and present.
Also, this feels contrived. Why is she friends with someone who can't stand pokemon if her life revolves around them? What do they have in common? Your conversation between them involves her ignoring everything her friend says.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[she had Yanma all up in her house and had spent the entire time attempting to swat them ]
Yanma are three and a half feet long and weigh eighty pounds.
[It was the face that she gave people when she wanted something, like when she wanted to trade her raised-since-birth Pidgeotto for his recently hatched Dratini. ]
His? Whose?
It's 'gyarados'.
Also, "its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
That all said, this does look interesting, and you handle a pokemon-hating character pretty well. Plus, it's nice to finally see someone who's unable to leave on a badge quest getting pokemon anyway.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5874219/1/The_MorningRay_Chronicles_Part_1
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Anyway, the writing of this otherwise looks pretty good.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5874347/1/Fractured
[The Johto region has been plunged into chaos. Instead of the harmonic, relaxed region you know, it is cracked and splintered. Each of the major cities – Cianwood, Olivine, Ecruteak, Violet, Cherrygrove, Blackthorn and Goldenrod – has become a self-governing state, most of which are led by an individual that was once known as a 'Gym Leader'. Peace is an unfamiliar term, and citizens live with constant fear and paranoia. Wars and skirmishes break out with alarming regularity between all the city-states, save one. Blackthorn, a relatively small community in the far north-eastern corner of Johto, struggles to remain neutral, while its Gym Leader-turned-President races against time to get to the bottom of the whole affair. ]
Yay plotty AU!
[As many times as she heard it said, she still couldn't get used to the idea of Blackthorn being her city. She didn't want to own a city, if she were to be perfectly honest with herself. Being a Gym Leader had been all well and good, but she didn't want this. ]
Wait, what?
[whether I have those skills or not is irrelevant. That is not what Blackthorn needs. You are looking at this the wrong way, my friend. In these times of unrest and civil war, a city does not need a leader who can keep the peace. A city needs a leader who can actually lead. A leader who is strong. And you, Clair . . . you are the strongest person I know." ]
OMFG NO.
You can't say that it's okay for her to rule as dictator because something something mumble something HAS TO BE THAT WAY OKAY. If she doesn't want to rule the place as dictator, she can do what sane human beings have done throughout history and give her support to them. No one ever needs the person in charge to be able to beat everyone else up.
["You're right, Pryce," she said aloud, once he had gone. "I have to do this." For Blackthorn's sake.]
ARG.
[When Clair entered the conference room two minutes later, Pryce stumbling slightly behind her, everybody seated around the large oval table stood respectfully and bowed their heads.
"Stop doing that," she snapped. "I'm a President, not a deity. Right, what's on the agenda for today?"]
Right. It's just that everyone insists on forcing her to be treated like that, just like they insisted on making her Supreme President For Life. And on the crown, and the castle, and that harem she's got, totally not her idea. Because you have some vague idea that actually opposing democracy is bad, so you're just going to have her be so awesome that everyone voluntarily gives it up. Over her protests, of course.
Yeah, I'm just going to stop here.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5874417/1/Pokemon_The_Kanto_Chronicles
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and "Sinnoh". "Saga" similarly comes in at a hundred.
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
This is, generally, remarkably standard. About the only bit that stands out is that after the obligatory heading to the lab followed by the obligatory TR attack followed by the obligatory use of a new pokemon to fight them off, you have him getting helped out by Gary instead of one of the more common canon characters like Lance or something.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5875056/1/Broken_Heart
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
That aside, this is decent enough - it's nice to see occasional stories that aren't simply about the designated pairing saying they love each other.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5875079/1/Harry_Potter_the_Pokemon_Problem
This is terrible, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5875230/1/Recovery
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
This could really stand to have more description and narration in general. You're relying pretty heavily on just dialogue.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5875256/1/the_weavile_chronicles
Capitalize your title properly.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Also, the opening is ridiculously melodramatic.
