NaRe, Day Seven
Apr. 7th, 2010 10:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/5875278/1/At_the_Speed_Of_Light
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[I don't want any violence, but the boss has put a hit on both of your heads ]
"I don't want any violence" is a shorthand for "Stop struggling, I'm not here with the intent of hurting you but will if that makes my life easier". A hit, meanwhile, means kill. If you're trying to have them express that they feel mild regret about the inevitable violence, you should phrase it as more "Sorry, but..."
[standing there was a boy who looked so shockingly similar to my missing friend Ash, that if I didn't take into account the team rocket uniform, red eyes and hair, and raspy voice, he might have been Ash. ]
I, too, often see people who, if I ignored their clothing, eye color, hair color and voice, are remarkably similar to other people I know.
[Was that Ash?]
What a perfectly logical chain of thought. I, too, generally greet such people with great confusion. "Aside from your physical appearance, you look very similar to [Name]," I say. "Are you in fact [Name], perhaps having been brainwashed into not knowing you're [Name]? Because that seems the most reasonable conclusion."
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[I wanted to yell at misty to get out of here, to grab her Pokemon and run, but my jaw wouldnt move]
Your grammar gets steadily worse as the story goes on. Proofread better.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5875363/1/Shadows_of_Orre
Write out numbers with letters.
You keep dropping into present tense. Don't do that, pick a tense and stick with it.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Never use apostrophes for plurals.
Don't use ' for thoughts, it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse. As long as you put a "he thought" at the end you generally don't need any markers, anyway.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[Gonzap explained to Wes that he was from a group known as Snagem who wanted to liberate Pokemon from trainers who misuse and act cruelly towards them.]
Goddammit. Where is this meme from?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5875522/1/Pokemon_c0rrUtP_dATa
[Chapter names are written in l33t speak, for all those n00bs out there. If you don't recognize the words, squint and get creative. You'll figure it out eventually. ]
No.
[he papers beneath it were already soiled by the black liquid in the shapes of numerous cup bases and random spills here and there. It just went to show how much care Birch gave towards paperwork--he was always one to go out in the field and record things first-hand]
"How much care" = the large degree he cared. You want "how little care".
...so he can't even tell the difference between his wife's voice and any other woman's?
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Purple splotches of nothing seemed to consume the scenery, scrambled pixels scattered chaotically about like generous sprinkling of computer-generated sprinkles or sugar on a platter of something sweet. ]
Something that's scattered is generally chaotic. Sprinkles are generally sprinkled. Something with sugar on it is generally something sweet. You do not need to write a sentence restating each of these things. Your sentences are already bloated enough.
["Well, that can't be a damaged spot. They're on different parts of the picture. The odds of pixels aligning in just that way on a camera with millions of individual pixels all fluctuating chaotically is all but impossible to replicate..."]
ARG. YES IT VERY WELL COULD.
This is from one camera facing in one direction. The idea that the particular shape of the error is repeating rather than being completely random is, at absolute best, mildly interesting. If you want them to go OMG IT IS TAKING A PICTURE OF SOMETHING THAT IS DISTORTED then you have two or more sets of pictures, providing two different angles and showing that the anomaly is a distinct shape, or at least agreeing on its location. That would be something where you could start talking about unlikely odds.
...and now we have the pokedex randomly knowing it's missingno. Because.
Look, the animeverse pokedex isn't generating information about pokemon out of the aether. It's been programmed by people and will only recognize what's been entered into it. Gameverse pokedex is basically the same system, except you're catching pokemon to be studied first. (And gameverse? Stuff like height and weight don't get filled in UNTIL YOU CATCH IT. Because you can't tell that kind of thing just by looking at a picture.) This kind of thing is an okay plot device in gameverse-as-in-they're-inside-a-game-and-their-world-is-delicate-and-fragile sort of stories, where the idea the world conforms to bizarre programming and includes bugs works as part of the general horror. (And even still, it's established that just viewing a pokemon doesn't fill in the stats.) But if you're doing any more naturalistic setting, you can't have the pokedex knowing stuff that wasn't put in. If something looks to human eyes like it's just a glitchy picture, then the pokedex's processor, being designed by humans, should process it as a glitchy picture and therefore irrelevant, because no one ever designed it to react to this particular pattern any other way.
Unless Missingno is basically some sort of computer version of cthulhu that drives programmed things crazy upon interacting with it in any way, I suppose. But then it seems like you could prove its existence just by replicating the image and seeing if it screws up everything that processes it.
[we found a pa..." She cleared her throat, as if troubled by something and trying to keep her emotions down. "...a pair of...dead Machop."
Birch winced. While he was quite familiar with laws of nature that applied to humans and Pokemon alike--the strong survive while the weak perish--it was no less saddening to hear that two more Pokemon had vanished off the face of the earth. He himself had a particularly hard time going back to Route 103 a few years back after watching a Swellow fail to carry off a Magikarp drown at the tentacles of a particularly irritated Tentacruel, who had claimed said Magikarp in the first place. It was bound to happen sooner or later...but it didn't hurt any less to witness.]
Oh, come on. No one out observing pokemon would be this much of a wuss about it, and it would hardly be a rare occurrence to the point you'd measure the events by how many YEARS ago it last came up. Unless he's "researching" inside a bar most of the time, it's going to be pretty common. Bonus points for him finding it OMG TRAGIC!!1 that the _swellow_ didn't make it, but being totally fine about the magikarp or the tentacruel starving.
[The Bereau]
SPELLCHECK.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[I don't want any violence, but the boss has put a hit on both of your heads ]
"I don't want any violence" is a shorthand for "Stop struggling, I'm not here with the intent of hurting you but will if that makes my life easier". A hit, meanwhile, means kill. If you're trying to have them express that they feel mild regret about the inevitable violence, you should phrase it as more "Sorry, but..."
[standing there was a boy who looked so shockingly similar to my missing friend Ash, that if I didn't take into account the team rocket uniform, red eyes and hair, and raspy voice, he might have been Ash. ]
I, too, often see people who, if I ignored their clothing, eye color, hair color and voice, are remarkably similar to other people I know.
[Was that Ash?]
What a perfectly logical chain of thought. I, too, generally greet such people with great confusion. "Aside from your physical appearance, you look very similar to [Name]," I say. "Are you in fact [Name], perhaps having been brainwashed into not knowing you're [Name]? Because that seems the most reasonable conclusion."
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[I wanted to yell at misty to get out of here, to grab her Pokemon and run, but my jaw wouldnt move]
Your grammar gets steadily worse as the story goes on. Proofread better.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5875363/1/Shadows_of_Orre
Write out numbers with letters.
You keep dropping into present tense. Don't do that, pick a tense and stick with it.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Never use apostrophes for plurals.
Don't use ' for thoughts, it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse. As long as you put a "he thought" at the end you generally don't need any markers, anyway.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[Gonzap explained to Wes that he was from a group known as Snagem who wanted to liberate Pokemon from trainers who misuse and act cruelly towards them.]
Goddammit. Where is this meme from?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5875522/1/Pokemon_c0rrUtP_dATa
[Chapter names are written in l33t speak, for all those n00bs out there. If you don't recognize the words, squint and get creative. You'll figure it out eventually. ]
No.
[he papers beneath it were already soiled by the black liquid in the shapes of numerous cup bases and random spills here and there. It just went to show how much care Birch gave towards paperwork--he was always one to go out in the field and record things first-hand]
"How much care" = the large degree he cared. You want "how little care".
...so he can't even tell the difference between his wife's voice and any other woman's?
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Purple splotches of nothing seemed to consume the scenery, scrambled pixels scattered chaotically about like generous sprinkling of computer-generated sprinkles or sugar on a platter of something sweet. ]
Something that's scattered is generally chaotic. Sprinkles are generally sprinkled. Something with sugar on it is generally something sweet. You do not need to write a sentence restating each of these things. Your sentences are already bloated enough.
["Well, that can't be a damaged spot. They're on different parts of the picture. The odds of pixels aligning in just that way on a camera with millions of individual pixels all fluctuating chaotically is all but impossible to replicate..."]
ARG. YES IT VERY WELL COULD.
This is from one camera facing in one direction. The idea that the particular shape of the error is repeating rather than being completely random is, at absolute best, mildly interesting. If you want them to go OMG IT IS TAKING A PICTURE OF SOMETHING THAT IS DISTORTED then you have two or more sets of pictures, providing two different angles and showing that the anomaly is a distinct shape, or at least agreeing on its location. That would be something where you could start talking about unlikely odds.
...and now we have the pokedex randomly knowing it's missingno. Because.
Look, the animeverse pokedex isn't generating information about pokemon out of the aether. It's been programmed by people and will only recognize what's been entered into it. Gameverse pokedex is basically the same system, except you're catching pokemon to be studied first. (And gameverse? Stuff like height and weight don't get filled in UNTIL YOU CATCH IT. Because you can't tell that kind of thing just by looking at a picture.) This kind of thing is an okay plot device in gameverse-as-in-they're-inside-a-game-and-their-world-is-delicate-and-fragile sort of stories, where the idea the world conforms to bizarre programming and includes bugs works as part of the general horror. (And even still, it's established that just viewing a pokemon doesn't fill in the stats.) But if you're doing any more naturalistic setting, you can't have the pokedex knowing stuff that wasn't put in. If something looks to human eyes like it's just a glitchy picture, then the pokedex's processor, being designed by humans, should process it as a glitchy picture and therefore irrelevant, because no one ever designed it to react to this particular pattern any other way.
Unless Missingno is basically some sort of computer version of cthulhu that drives programmed things crazy upon interacting with it in any way, I suppose. But then it seems like you could prove its existence just by replicating the image and seeing if it screws up everything that processes it.
[we found a pa..." She cleared her throat, as if troubled by something and trying to keep her emotions down. "...a pair of...dead Machop."
Birch winced. While he was quite familiar with laws of nature that applied to humans and Pokemon alike--the strong survive while the weak perish--it was no less saddening to hear that two more Pokemon had vanished off the face of the earth. He himself had a particularly hard time going back to Route 103 a few years back after watching a Swellow fail to carry off a Magikarp drown at the tentacles of a particularly irritated Tentacruel, who had claimed said Magikarp in the first place. It was bound to happen sooner or later...but it didn't hurt any less to witness.]
Oh, come on. No one out observing pokemon would be this much of a wuss about it, and it would hardly be a rare occurrence to the point you'd measure the events by how many YEARS ago it last came up. Unless he's "researching" inside a bar most of the time, it's going to be pretty common. Bonus points for him finding it OMG TRAGIC!!1 that the _swellow_ didn't make it, but being totally fine about the magikarp or the tentacruel starving.
[The Bereau]
SPELLCHECK.
