Nare, Day Nine
Apr. 9th, 2010 11:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/5877971/1/Terrifying_memories
Capitalize your title properly.
[So if you think something's wrong with it. Please let me no. ]
This appears to be a single sentence inexplicably broken into two. Also, "no" is the refusal, "know" is the one for information.
Don't use ' for thoughts, it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse. As long as you put a "he thought" at the end you generally don't need any markers, anyway.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[A/N- I'm sorry for making the first chapter so short. I had written longer versions of it but absolutely despised them. ]
Look, you presumably intend to write more chapters. You can have more than one scene per chapter. If you can't expand a given scene into a full chapter, as you say is the case here, you can combine it with the next chapter.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5878652/1/Abnegate
[The sun was high, overcastting the cascade mountains and cerulean river ]
Spellcheck.
Overcast is not a good word for sunlight.
I don't even know what a cascade mountain would be.
And cerulean river, while not as bad as the above issues, is a trite and inaccurate description.
Your description is not awful, but still needs to be thinned down.
[Upon this bank sat several people, the majourity newly acquainted, gathered around a large wooden picnic table, each with large grins upon their young faces. ]
Among other things, you seem to be under the impression that chopping up a sentence and putting it back together in a less common order is great writing. Unfortunately the reason it's uncommon is because it's a bad way to organize your sentence.
[the one rebellious Pikachu]
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
...and now there's some mysterious girl. Who smells so wonderful Pikachu goes and seeks her out, and despite being apparently human smells like flowers. Because. And all the various forest life are all staring at her unconscious form and watching every step of this drama. Because the world revolves around her. Look, it's possible there's some interesting explanation for all this, but you didn't do a good job of selling that here.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5878669/1/BOREDOM
This is very bad. You need to try harder.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5878770/1/Escapade_Bound_l_Pokeshipping
Write out numbers with letters.
...ookay, so this seems to have nothing at all to do with canon. We have Misty living with her only family, her grandmother. She is unable to travel on her own. As a young child she hung out with the other canon cast members, but moved away, unlike in canon, where she met them for the first time later. And they've all grown up together, despite Ash only meeting May and Drew well after Misty. And it doesn't seem like she ever went on a journey or even like pokemon exist. It's original fiction from start to finish. As original fiction, it's good enough, but as fanfic, it's failing in just about every way.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5878785/1/Dusknoir
Don't use apostrophes for plurals.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Your story is littered with errors. Stop being so lazy and proofread better.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5878972/1/Dash_The_Chosen_Trainer
This is pretty incoherent. Also, I don't know who told you that multiple explanation marks were a good way to make things exciting, but they were lying to you. Go punch them.
Oh, and don't put author's notes in your story.
And get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5879002/1/Before_They_Were_Heroes
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[She wants to tell him, she knows if she keeps letting him believe his father's still out there, it's only going to hurt more when he learns the truth. But how do you tell a five-year-old his daddy's never coming home? ]
Uh, I think step one is accepting that if his dad died four years ago, while on an extended trip no less, he has no idea who the guy is and would not be upset by the death, so lying to him for the next four years and insisting that you can't possibly tell him is clearly more about your issues than doing what's right for the kid.
It'd also be a good idea to realize that the rest of the world isn't going to play along with your delusion, and that any day now someone, like say his friends, are going to blurt out something about it that they overheard from some adult. And that, not the dad he never even met, is what would actually be upsetting.
In conclusion, contrived situation is contrived.
[Delia's pretty level-headed and sensible ]
Apparently not.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5879156/1/The_Ties_Of_Time
[Below the chapter title, I will place in italics the region (Kanto, Johto, Hoenn) and the time period (Past, Present). ]
Yeah, pretty sure people can work that out on their own.
[his Arcanine ]
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Compared to those of the soldiers, his pack was relatively light. Because he was the medic, he saw little need to carry the milk and potions employed by the others.]
Medics don't work that way.
[He kept a bow and a few arrows on hand in case the need arose but the young man's aim was nothing special. Guns had once been used in battle, but were discarded as the use of mirror coat was perfected. The arrows could still create chaos if they were to fall into this trap, but the wound caused from arrows were easier to treat before the unsuspecting shooter met his end. ]
THAT IS THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF HOW GUNS AND ARROWS WORK.
And then this story just abruptly ends right as you finish establishing the scene for some reason. Don't do that. Have things actually happen.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5880286/1/your_WORST_n_i_g_h_t_m_a_r_e
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
Okay, BBcode isn't used on this site. Next time, at least glance at your story before uploading it so you can catch this kind of basic stuff.
Anyway, this is overwrought to the point it's a chore to read.
Also, from what I can make out, she's hearing someone else in trouble and blindly running toward them, despite the fact her only survival skills so far are hiding in a corner and hope nothing finds her. So is this the first time she's ever heard anyone else? Because I'm thinking she's not going to survive doing things that mindblowingly stupid often.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5880409/1/For_The_Love_of_Pokemon
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, not mom. It's only in constructions like my/her/the mom that it's written as such.
...and she's got a team of all the eeveelutions. Because.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5880553/1/PokemonMewMew
You're missing punctuation.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
And now you've forgotten how to capitalize names. I'm not even going to bother reading on.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5880884/1/The_Ruined_Region
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[So many conspiracies, but no true answer as to why it happened. Each of them has a flaw. For instance, take the tale of the legendary birds. For one, who recorded such an event? The story even ends with 'no soul remaining to tell the tale'. Doesn't that imply no one saw the birds? ]
Okay, so a hundred and fifty years is enough for evidence to be lost, survivors to die, and things to get generally jumbled if no one had good data to start, if still a bit rushed. No matter how you look at it, though it is definitely nowhere near long enough for actual myths and folklore and people analyzing the wording of them. Especially given that they're starting off in a literate society, which means records from that time are still readily available.
[whether they possess the ability to destroy towns ]
Uh, considering it's Saffron _City_ being discussed here, that's pretty poor word choice.
...so, why exactly has no one really investigated? You seem to be acting like it's possible to get there and people have on occasion, but only very rarely. It's quite possible to have a situation like that, but you need to explain why.
On the brighter side, this does seem intriguing plotwise.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5881061/1/Gemstones
If you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Also, I really don't see how Paul could be forced to write in a diary in the first place.
[a Slowking ]
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Otherwise, this is...well, kind of meh. People seem really fond of writing setup chapters that don't really go anywhere, but they're not actually a good idea. A chapter should have something actually happening, not just a couple promises of something happening in the future.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5881216/1/A_Forgotten_Legacy
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
...you seem to be taking a very long time to get across very little information.
Use said. Seriously, won't bite, lovely word, generally more appropriate for the sentence than whatever word you're using in its place.
...now a professor's assistant seems to have randomly showed up to find him for some unclear reason.
[which can be used to help keep track of students doing exceptionally well in their studies. Only those who perform to their best will get their own Pokemon and start their career ambitions, with Pokemon at least.]
No. Just no. I thought people were over that ridiculous obsession with having there only be a handful of trainers for no real reason. If only a few people get to have pokemon, everything in the existing setting breaks down. Not only does it not work this way, but it _can't_.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5881275/1/Fault
[she did not want to be couped up in a little dungeon ]
While I'm sure she, like most people, doesn't want to be cut up, in a dungeon or otherwise, I suspect you mean "cooped" here.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5881368/1/Rubythroated_Sparrow
Latias didn't transform, she created an image by refracting light with her feathers. This was explicitly stated. If you desperately want a legendary pokemon that turns into people, use a mew. Those know transform.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's "okay", four letters.
[A/C: I love cliffhangers! ]
Having ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IMPORTANT HAPPEN AT ALL in your first chapter does not count as a cliffhanger. The suggestion that eventually, something vaguely interesting may occur is not the same thing as ending midway through an actual interesting thing.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5881433/1/Perfect_World
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[We all rushed over to the body, desperately trying to save he who could not be saved.
Yet he already was. It was damn ironic.
Ironic.]
Your writing style is badly laid out and incredibly annoying.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5881451/1/The_Grovyle_with_No_Name
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Poorly novelizing the opening of Naruto then using find-replace to switch the names to pokemon species is not a crossover, it's just a stupid waste of everyone's time.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5881505/1/Indigo_Eyes_of_Change
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
You seem to be spending a great deal of time explaining things that don't need to be.
And now you have a lead-up to evolution followed by a jump to when the guy's dead. That was even more pointless.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5881841/1/File_Not_Found_Season_One
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You do seem to have something interesting going on, but it's a chore to slog through all the chatter to find it.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5881869/1/Destiny_of_Five
[shinned]
Shone.
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Write out numbers with letters.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Trainers start at ten.
Jesus Christ. You do not need to have your character walk around collecting everyone. You are the author, you can just say they're already together.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5881898/1/White_Christmas
[Green was everywhere.]
[The snow less ground was covered in dying grass and pale brown soil, cracked from recent temperature drops.]
[It was quite clear that despite the bitter cold, the weather had no intention of changing. ]
Yeah, plants don't work that way. If it's cold enough to call it bitter, and that the ground is cracking, then it's cold enough that things aren't going to be green everywhere. There's a little wiggle room for grass, as the stuff used for lawns is a perennial, but you've established it's too cold for grass and dying grass is yellow, not green.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
["Experts say that it is not likely to snow again in upcoming years, possibly even taking decades before we see flurries again." ]
Why...? I mean, you realize snow is a simple matter of wet air + cold air, so the only way this works is if the air in general has almost no water, and that in turn should change a lot more than just snow. And it's generally extremely hard to predict long term weather changes.
...ugh. Look, if you're just trying to set up the idea she's saving Christmas by thinking to tell pokemon to use blizzard a whole lot, don't bring up something about how there's some mysterious thing going on that mysteriously changed the weather in unknown and extremely unlikely ways that, despite no one knowing what they are or how they work, are totally predictable for the next decade or two.
Just say there wasn't any snow predicted for the week of Christmas. That's all. It's really easy.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5882091/1/Silver_Saphys_Excellent_Adventure
So going on about how attractive she is is not actually that interesting and is generally screwing over your sentence structure.
And now random Japanese. This is heading nowhere good, and at a pretty fast clip at that.
[Feeling mischievous, she lured his attention away with a seductive batting of her eyes. He glowered, but couldn't look away. She didn't understand why, but it never failed to stop boys. She didn't think she looked too special, although to the average person she'd have seemed crazy for thinking that. ]
Ugh. I'm just going to stop here.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5882128/1/PetraShipping
[(she was also very crazy while on her period... it scared the shit out of me, then again, females are BITCHES while in their periods, [A/N: no offence to any women of course!]) ]
Yeah, the only thing worse is how males are dumb jackoffs who only think with their dicks 24-7 (r/n: no offense to any men of course!)
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5882189/1/Pokemon_The_Thieves_of_Time
[The leader of the Espion, who I have now come to know as Lumina, had ordered her crew to set the ruins ablaze and move out – that is, until a young child was brought to her attention. Somehow this child had escaped the entire incident unscathed, and instead of annihilating him as she had done with the others, she decided to recruit him as the youngest member of their infamous group. ]
This would work a lot better if you established how the group actually functions, instead of going on to just say this was unusual.
Where do the members normally come from? Do they recruit at all or rarely, from adults?
It's also unclear how old he was - he was a "young child" and it's ten years later. He got a pokemon at age fifteen, so he was at least five. If his friend is the same age as he is, he's seventeen now and was seven then. If he was as old as ten, then he's spent half his life in this group.
What I'm getting at here - a "young child"? They're not going to have good memories, let alone after a decade passes. A ten year old kid, which is about the oldest I'd estimate, would probably remember their parents well enough, but they're not going to have any clear memories, especially when memory tends to be tied to location reminders and he's been taken away from any of those. Even if he's gone all this time holding that grudge, it's not going to be based on actual events by this point, but more a matter of holding on to the intent and stewing over the idea endlessly. And if he's younger than ten, it's likely he doesn't even remember much about his parents by this point.
[it seemed like only yesterday I had heard the screams of my parents as they were slain ]
May sound very dramatic, but it's pretty ridiculous by this point.
Honestly, it'd actually be more interesting of a character if you were going with that.
[I looked at Rinslet with an icy gaze, one that screamed with apathy. ]
Also, you're trying way too hard to make the character seem badass, and it is really backfiring.
[the entire building itself seemed to be better fit in a museum as a historical artifact, and not serving as a fortress for a pack of thieves and pillagers. When I enquired about its construction, I was told by Lumina's right-hand man, Dast'n, that Lumina's great-great grandfather had kidnapped people from all over the kingdom of Iris to labour and toil at its creation. Even children were forced to extract clay from the surrounding areas day and night to provide the necessary material to create the walls, floors and roof. He told me it took a total of three years to complete and by that time, most of the labourers had become sick from malnutrition or had contracted gangrene from kneeling in a wet environment for so long. He seemed amused by this, for as he recounted it to me, his eyes were sparkling sadistically. ]
For starters, again, having some sort of idea how this group functions would be nice. Raiders, which seems to be what you're talking about here, do not live in fortresses. At best, a group that raided areas well beyond might retreat back into a safe zone where they were on good terms with the locals.
Next, how much power they have. If they can round up mass numbers of people and keep them without anyone doing anything, they're not raiders, they're basically a sue organization that can do whatever they feel like without retribution. Raiders are not awesome fighters. If you're an awesome fighter, you don't need to attack unguarded villages, take everything that's not nailed down, and then hightail it out of there before anyone armed shows up.
Finally - three years? You don't build a fortress in three years and definitely not with untrained slave labor when you're so short on people you're desperate enough to kidnap kids just to help out. Kids are really sucky workers. How are they feeding them, anyway? Malnutrition or no, you still need to be giving them some kind of food or they can't work. And why would you like them getting sick when you're the one who's going out and kidnapping new people every time? Kidnapping is actually really hard. There's being an asshole, but this is more like shooting yourself in the hand to shoot someone else in the foot.
(This isn't even getting into how they were possibly feeding and policing all these people.)
…and now they're wearing standard evil team outfits, complete with blue colors and logos. In a time when people are going around with swords. For god's sake, research. Clothing differences are more than slapping on an "uh, that were made by this woman! Because it's not industrialized yet!"
Capitalize your title properly.
[So if you think something's wrong with it. Please let me no. ]
This appears to be a single sentence inexplicably broken into two. Also, "no" is the refusal, "know" is the one for information.
Don't use ' for thoughts, it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse. As long as you put a "he thought" at the end you generally don't need any markers, anyway.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[A/N- I'm sorry for making the first chapter so short. I had written longer versions of it but absolutely despised them. ]
Look, you presumably intend to write more chapters. You can have more than one scene per chapter. If you can't expand a given scene into a full chapter, as you say is the case here, you can combine it with the next chapter.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5878652/1/Abnegate
[The sun was high, overcastting the cascade mountains and cerulean river ]
Spellcheck.
Overcast is not a good word for sunlight.
I don't even know what a cascade mountain would be.
And cerulean river, while not as bad as the above issues, is a trite and inaccurate description.
Your description is not awful, but still needs to be thinned down.
[Upon this bank sat several people, the majourity newly acquainted, gathered around a large wooden picnic table, each with large grins upon their young faces. ]
Among other things, you seem to be under the impression that chopping up a sentence and putting it back together in a less common order is great writing. Unfortunately the reason it's uncommon is because it's a bad way to organize your sentence.
[the one rebellious Pikachu]
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
...and now there's some mysterious girl. Who smells so wonderful Pikachu goes and seeks her out, and despite being apparently human smells like flowers. Because. And all the various forest life are all staring at her unconscious form and watching every step of this drama. Because the world revolves around her. Look, it's possible there's some interesting explanation for all this, but you didn't do a good job of selling that here.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5878669/1/BOREDOM
This is very bad. You need to try harder.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5878770/1/Escapade_Bound_l_Pokeshipping
Write out numbers with letters.
...ookay, so this seems to have nothing at all to do with canon. We have Misty living with her only family, her grandmother. She is unable to travel on her own. As a young child she hung out with the other canon cast members, but moved away, unlike in canon, where she met them for the first time later. And they've all grown up together, despite Ash only meeting May and Drew well after Misty. And it doesn't seem like she ever went on a journey or even like pokemon exist. It's original fiction from start to finish. As original fiction, it's good enough, but as fanfic, it's failing in just about every way.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5878785/1/Dusknoir
Don't use apostrophes for plurals.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Your story is littered with errors. Stop being so lazy and proofread better.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5878972/1/Dash_The_Chosen_Trainer
This is pretty incoherent. Also, I don't know who told you that multiple explanation marks were a good way to make things exciting, but they were lying to you. Go punch them.
Oh, and don't put author's notes in your story.
And get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5879002/1/Before_They_Were_Heroes
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[She wants to tell him, she knows if she keeps letting him believe his father's still out there, it's only going to hurt more when he learns the truth. But how do you tell a five-year-old his daddy's never coming home? ]
Uh, I think step one is accepting that if his dad died four years ago, while on an extended trip no less, he has no idea who the guy is and would not be upset by the death, so lying to him for the next four years and insisting that you can't possibly tell him is clearly more about your issues than doing what's right for the kid.
It'd also be a good idea to realize that the rest of the world isn't going to play along with your delusion, and that any day now someone, like say his friends, are going to blurt out something about it that they overheard from some adult. And that, not the dad he never even met, is what would actually be upsetting.
In conclusion, contrived situation is contrived.
[Delia's pretty level-headed and sensible ]
Apparently not.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5879156/1/The_Ties_Of_Time
[Below the chapter title, I will place in italics the region (Kanto, Johto, Hoenn) and the time period (Past, Present). ]
Yeah, pretty sure people can work that out on their own.
[his Arcanine ]
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Compared to those of the soldiers, his pack was relatively light. Because he was the medic, he saw little need to carry the milk and potions employed by the others.]
Medics don't work that way.
[He kept a bow and a few arrows on hand in case the need arose but the young man's aim was nothing special. Guns had once been used in battle, but were discarded as the use of mirror coat was perfected. The arrows could still create chaos if they were to fall into this trap, but the wound caused from arrows were easier to treat before the unsuspecting shooter met his end. ]
THAT IS THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF HOW GUNS AND ARROWS WORK.
And then this story just abruptly ends right as you finish establishing the scene for some reason. Don't do that. Have things actually happen.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5880286/1/your_WORST_n_i_g_h_t_m_a_r_e
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
Okay, BBcode isn't used on this site. Next time, at least glance at your story before uploading it so you can catch this kind of basic stuff.
Anyway, this is overwrought to the point it's a chore to read.
Also, from what I can make out, she's hearing someone else in trouble and blindly running toward them, despite the fact her only survival skills so far are hiding in a corner and hope nothing finds her. So is this the first time she's ever heard anyone else? Because I'm thinking she's not going to survive doing things that mindblowingly stupid often.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5880409/1/For_The_Love_of_Pokemon
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, not mom. It's only in constructions like my/her/the mom that it's written as such.
...and she's got a team of all the eeveelutions. Because.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5880553/1/PokemonMewMew
You're missing punctuation.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
And now you've forgotten how to capitalize names. I'm not even going to bother reading on.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5880884/1/The_Ruined_Region
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[So many conspiracies, but no true answer as to why it happened. Each of them has a flaw. For instance, take the tale of the legendary birds. For one, who recorded such an event? The story even ends with 'no soul remaining to tell the tale'. Doesn't that imply no one saw the birds? ]
Okay, so a hundred and fifty years is enough for evidence to be lost, survivors to die, and things to get generally jumbled if no one had good data to start, if still a bit rushed. No matter how you look at it, though it is definitely nowhere near long enough for actual myths and folklore and people analyzing the wording of them. Especially given that they're starting off in a literate society, which means records from that time are still readily available.
[whether they possess the ability to destroy towns ]
Uh, considering it's Saffron _City_ being discussed here, that's pretty poor word choice.
...so, why exactly has no one really investigated? You seem to be acting like it's possible to get there and people have on occasion, but only very rarely. It's quite possible to have a situation like that, but you need to explain why.
On the brighter side, this does seem intriguing plotwise.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5881061/1/Gemstones
If you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Also, I really don't see how Paul could be forced to write in a diary in the first place.
[a Slowking ]
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Otherwise, this is...well, kind of meh. People seem really fond of writing setup chapters that don't really go anywhere, but they're not actually a good idea. A chapter should have something actually happening, not just a couple promises of something happening in the future.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5881216/1/A_Forgotten_Legacy
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
...you seem to be taking a very long time to get across very little information.
Use said. Seriously, won't bite, lovely word, generally more appropriate for the sentence than whatever word you're using in its place.
...now a professor's assistant seems to have randomly showed up to find him for some unclear reason.
[which can be used to help keep track of students doing exceptionally well in their studies. Only those who perform to their best will get their own Pokemon and start their career ambitions, with Pokemon at least.]
No. Just no. I thought people were over that ridiculous obsession with having there only be a handful of trainers for no real reason. If only a few people get to have pokemon, everything in the existing setting breaks down. Not only does it not work this way, but it _can't_.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5881275/1/Fault
[she did not want to be couped up in a little dungeon ]
While I'm sure she, like most people, doesn't want to be cut up, in a dungeon or otherwise, I suspect you mean "cooped" here.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5881368/1/Rubythroated_Sparrow
Latias didn't transform, she created an image by refracting light with her feathers. This was explicitly stated. If you desperately want a legendary pokemon that turns into people, use a mew. Those know transform.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's "okay", four letters.
[A/C: I love cliffhangers! ]
Having ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IMPORTANT HAPPEN AT ALL in your first chapter does not count as a cliffhanger. The suggestion that eventually, something vaguely interesting may occur is not the same thing as ending midway through an actual interesting thing.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5881433/1/Perfect_World
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[We all rushed over to the body, desperately trying to save he who could not be saved.
Yet he already was. It was damn ironic.
Ironic.]
Your writing style is badly laid out and incredibly annoying.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5881451/1/The_Grovyle_with_No_Name
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Poorly novelizing the opening of Naruto then using find-replace to switch the names to pokemon species is not a crossover, it's just a stupid waste of everyone's time.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5881505/1/Indigo_Eyes_of_Change
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
You seem to be spending a great deal of time explaining things that don't need to be.
And now you have a lead-up to evolution followed by a jump to when the guy's dead. That was even more pointless.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5881841/1/File_Not_Found_Season_One
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You do seem to have something interesting going on, but it's a chore to slog through all the chatter to find it.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5881869/1/Destiny_of_Five
[shinned]
Shone.
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Write out numbers with letters.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Trainers start at ten.
Jesus Christ. You do not need to have your character walk around collecting everyone. You are the author, you can just say they're already together.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5881898/1/White_Christmas
[Green was everywhere.]
[The snow less ground was covered in dying grass and pale brown soil, cracked from recent temperature drops.]
[It was quite clear that despite the bitter cold, the weather had no intention of changing. ]
Yeah, plants don't work that way. If it's cold enough to call it bitter, and that the ground is cracking, then it's cold enough that things aren't going to be green everywhere. There's a little wiggle room for grass, as the stuff used for lawns is a perennial, but you've established it's too cold for grass and dying grass is yellow, not green.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
["Experts say that it is not likely to snow again in upcoming years, possibly even taking decades before we see flurries again." ]
Why...? I mean, you realize snow is a simple matter of wet air + cold air, so the only way this works is if the air in general has almost no water, and that in turn should change a lot more than just snow. And it's generally extremely hard to predict long term weather changes.
...ugh. Look, if you're just trying to set up the idea she's saving Christmas by thinking to tell pokemon to use blizzard a whole lot, don't bring up something about how there's some mysterious thing going on that mysteriously changed the weather in unknown and extremely unlikely ways that, despite no one knowing what they are or how they work, are totally predictable for the next decade or two.
Just say there wasn't any snow predicted for the week of Christmas. That's all. It's really easy.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5882091/1/Silver_Saphys_Excellent_Adventure
So going on about how attractive she is is not actually that interesting and is generally screwing over your sentence structure.
And now random Japanese. This is heading nowhere good, and at a pretty fast clip at that.
[Feeling mischievous, she lured his attention away with a seductive batting of her eyes. He glowered, but couldn't look away. She didn't understand why, but it never failed to stop boys. She didn't think she looked too special, although to the average person she'd have seemed crazy for thinking that. ]
Ugh. I'm just going to stop here.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5882128/1/PetraShipping
[(she was also very crazy while on her period... it scared the shit out of me, then again, females are BITCHES while in their periods, [A/N: no offence to any women of course!]) ]
Yeah, the only thing worse is how males are dumb jackoffs who only think with their dicks 24-7 (r/n: no offense to any men of course!)
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5882189/1/Pokemon_The_Thieves_of_Time
[The leader of the Espion, who I have now come to know as Lumina, had ordered her crew to set the ruins ablaze and move out – that is, until a young child was brought to her attention. Somehow this child had escaped the entire incident unscathed, and instead of annihilating him as she had done with the others, she decided to recruit him as the youngest member of their infamous group. ]
This would work a lot better if you established how the group actually functions, instead of going on to just say this was unusual.
Where do the members normally come from? Do they recruit at all or rarely, from adults?
It's also unclear how old he was - he was a "young child" and it's ten years later. He got a pokemon at age fifteen, so he was at least five. If his friend is the same age as he is, he's seventeen now and was seven then. If he was as old as ten, then he's spent half his life in this group.
What I'm getting at here - a "young child"? They're not going to have good memories, let alone after a decade passes. A ten year old kid, which is about the oldest I'd estimate, would probably remember their parents well enough, but they're not going to have any clear memories, especially when memory tends to be tied to location reminders and he's been taken away from any of those. Even if he's gone all this time holding that grudge, it's not going to be based on actual events by this point, but more a matter of holding on to the intent and stewing over the idea endlessly. And if he's younger than ten, it's likely he doesn't even remember much about his parents by this point.
[it seemed like only yesterday I had heard the screams of my parents as they were slain ]
May sound very dramatic, but it's pretty ridiculous by this point.
Honestly, it'd actually be more interesting of a character if you were going with that.
[I looked at Rinslet with an icy gaze, one that screamed with apathy. ]
Also, you're trying way too hard to make the character seem badass, and it is really backfiring.
[the entire building itself seemed to be better fit in a museum as a historical artifact, and not serving as a fortress for a pack of thieves and pillagers. When I enquired about its construction, I was told by Lumina's right-hand man, Dast'n, that Lumina's great-great grandfather had kidnapped people from all over the kingdom of Iris to labour and toil at its creation. Even children were forced to extract clay from the surrounding areas day and night to provide the necessary material to create the walls, floors and roof. He told me it took a total of three years to complete and by that time, most of the labourers had become sick from malnutrition or had contracted gangrene from kneeling in a wet environment for so long. He seemed amused by this, for as he recounted it to me, his eyes were sparkling sadistically. ]
For starters, again, having some sort of idea how this group functions would be nice. Raiders, which seems to be what you're talking about here, do not live in fortresses. At best, a group that raided areas well beyond might retreat back into a safe zone where they were on good terms with the locals.
Next, how much power they have. If they can round up mass numbers of people and keep them without anyone doing anything, they're not raiders, they're basically a sue organization that can do whatever they feel like without retribution. Raiders are not awesome fighters. If you're an awesome fighter, you don't need to attack unguarded villages, take everything that's not nailed down, and then hightail it out of there before anyone armed shows up.
Finally - three years? You don't build a fortress in three years and definitely not with untrained slave labor when you're so short on people you're desperate enough to kidnap kids just to help out. Kids are really sucky workers. How are they feeding them, anyway? Malnutrition or no, you still need to be giving them some kind of food or they can't work. And why would you like them getting sick when you're the one who's going out and kidnapping new people every time? Kidnapping is actually really hard. There's being an asshole, but this is more like shooting yourself in the hand to shoot someone else in the foot.
(This isn't even getting into how they were possibly feeding and policing all these people.)
…and now they're wearing standard evil team outfits, complete with blue colors and logos. In a time when people are going around with swords. For god's sake, research. Clothing differences are more than slapping on an "uh, that were made by this woman! Because it's not industrialized yet!"
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Date: 2010-04-10 05:26 pm (UTC)Have I mentioned lately that I love you?
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Date: 2010-04-11 02:31 am (UTC)