Nare, Day Eleven
Apr. 11th, 2010 11:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/5885382/1/Children_of_Blood
Your wording seems off in places, and it's really distracting. It seems like you're trying to force your writing into a style you're not comfortable with, and one that doesn't seem quite appropriate for the story either - it puts an extra layer between the character and reader, which makes it harder to emphasize with him.
The organization is also kind of sloppy - you don't always seem clear what a paragraph is about, or what the character's particular goals are.
[a place for raising himself to be what he knew he was capable of becoming]
This, for example. It doesn't connect well with the idea of wanting freedom itself just because it's one of the many options available if he's free, and bringing it up immediately contradicts the rest of the paragraph, which seems to be more about wanting to be able to do what he wants in general, not accomplish a specific goal.
[Ruby eyes jumped]
Talking about body parts as if they're separate things is another thing that's really distancing. It seems like you can't decide if you want this to be inside his head or not.
[Showing nervousness that wasn't normal wouldn't help him escape. ]
...as opposed to normal nervousness, which would? If I squint, I can work out what you probably mean here, but it's a very bad way of saying it. It'd also have been a lot better if you gave any idea of how he would normally behave, instead of just saying that the one thing he is doing is unusual. Hopefully you get the idea, I don't intend to point out each time because it'd take forever.
[Typical captor's propaganda said that no escapee ever stayed free, but he and the others knew better- those without someone to slow them down, the smart ones, they were never recaptured. If he wanted to keep freedom, it could only be a life of being alone. ]
This doesn't make sense. Admittedly it's possible he's just mistaken, but it doesn't even seem reasonable. If they're escaping, then it might be true that you can't afford to wait, but two people don't automatically move slower than one, and it's not like if he's in a group he'd be unable to abandon them if he had to. If they're communicating with each other enough that there are unspoken rules and things like this that everyone knows, then they should be talking enough that they could organize a group escape that would be a lot more likely to succeed.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
...and the caterpie are randomly helping her after she killed a pokemon why?
Anyway. This is kind of interesting, but the writing style is pretty annoying. Also, I'm really sick of competent loner boy/incompetent clingy girl setups.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5885713/1/Rag_Dolls
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, not mom. It's only in constructions like my/her/the mom that it's written as such.
[And perhaps now that I think back to my abhorrence to her had I realise it had never done me anything good in my family's eyes. ]
Pretty sure that middle 'had' shouldn't be there. Your sentence structure is generally wonky and badly worded.
[when there not suffocating]
They're. There is the place.
[that dispute how many layers ]
Despite.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
You really need a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5885725/1/Pokemon_Johto_Journeys_2
[Sorry, this was just a prologue. It didn't have any speech or really much action/adventure in it. ]
No, it wasn't. It was a summary. You should never open your story with a summary - if it's something interesting, it should be shown, if it's not it shouldn't be brought up at all. Anything that's recapping the standard pokemon journey (like pokemon, get one from a professor, get team, get badges, etc) does not need to be repeated. If anything unusual happened, then deal with it in flashback when it comes up. Summaries are boring and bad writing.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
And stop with the exclamation marks. They make you look like a five year old.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5886182/1/Journey_Of_Ascention
Your title is misspelled.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[almost looking in a gaze as if it was rare]
That doesn't make any sense.
Anyway, like so many other "first chapters" this really needs to be longer, as it doesn't give any idea what's going on or why I should care about the characters involved. You can have more than one scene in a chapter, you know.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5886548/1/Chaos_of_Legends
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
...wait, so, they're going to attack populated cities, and if people fight back they'll threaten civilians? Look, I don't know how bad your education was, but Moscow, London and Tokyo are all important places _because they're full of people_. It's not like blowing up the Pentagon or something. Also, if they know what our capitals are and about stuff like the Pokemon show, then if they have some grievance against our world, they should know which countries were actually involved - and I really doubt it was exactly those four countries. If America's screwing with them, blowing up half of Russia too won't accomplish anything, and if a random assortment like that is all involved then it's really hard to believe that, say, China isn't part of this too.
[He flew above the city for about ten minutes, not caring how much attention he attracted and he began to hover outside the Whitehouse.]
Okay, so you're writing this in 2010 and you seriously think that people would wait for him to get there and burn down the White House before they started shooting at him, which they would do with bullets? We have radar. Hell, we have twitter, and you've made it clear everyone could see him. He'd be shot down by missile well before he even reached the city.
[The big bird again ended the soldiers' lives with a fiery end; but the metal vehicle just seemed to shrug off the flames. As soon as Moltres ended the fire the vehicle shot a cone of metal that was much bigger then the previous ones; it hit him right in the chest where it exploded and knocked him through the window of a nearby building. ]
Conversely, we do not have magic tanks that are immune to heat and insulate everyone inside perfectly.
["Land on the ground now or we will open fire!" A voice from the craft shouted.]
This is too stupid. I'm going to stop reading now.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5886568/1/Pokemon_Mystery_Dungeon_Mews_Story
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[they could see the Krabby blowing bubbles ]
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5886646/1/Aura_Knights_Aura_Sphere
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Do I really want to do this? Is it worth it? He asked himself ]
Thoughts follow the same capitalization/punctuation rules as dialogue.
[exactly three of the Legendary Aura Knights where missing.]
Where, like here, has to do with place. "Were" is the verb.
Still, nice to see something plot-related going on.
[Anyway, next chapter you get to meet some of the main characters, although it may be a while before the Aura Knight thing fully comes into play. ]
Speaking of plot related, please don't do something where the main characters wander about on minor errands and other filler before reuniting with the actual story. For example, if they're trainers you don't need to show them waking up, getting a starter, setting out, catching their first pokemon, going off to get badges, etc.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5886731/1/The_Knight_and_the_Princess
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Jenna stopped by the Cubone, kneeling down. "I'm guessing…well, I'm not really sure. Maybe…he passed out from exhaustion? I mean, you didn't hit him that hard, right? Your head isn't that hard." She chuckled slightly. "Seems…sorta bad to try and catch him now." Jenna leaned to the side, retrieving her deflected Pokeball, before returning it to her bag. ]
...oh, come on. The fact a pokemon has collapsed from its injuries after being attacked by her pokemon means it's wrong to catch it?
...and now she's seriously just leaving it.
Look, this is cute enough, but you really need to work on not having things happen just because. It's hard to be impressed with how hard Princess is working to take care of the cubone when the only reason it's in such terrible shape and collapsing from exhaustion is that her didn't bother taking it to a pokecenter to get healed.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5886929/1/Js_Apprentice_Back_Story_Walkers_Past
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
It's "okay", four letters.
...and this seems to be one of those things where the author has confused "story" and "listing off characters". Just saying over and over against "and now, a new BABY!!!" does not make for an actual plotline.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5887077/1/A_Fairytale_Gone_Wrong
[He had a dark green thing that held his sword attached to his belt. The sword had a green jewel that was placed between the hilt and the blade. (A/N: Later on I found out that the "thing" is called a scabbard.) ]
There is no fucking "later on". Why the hell did you do this? Were you expecting everyone to be impressed that you finally learned a basic word, or just to be awestruck you're capable of any form of learning at all?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5887157/1/Never_Surrender
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, not mom. It's only in constructions like my/her/the mom that it's written as such.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[The lethe creature ]
Use spellcheck.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[She wasn't like the other Vulpix, she had a bright, golden color to her coat that shimmered flawlessly in the sun's radiance. Although, this seemed to pose as a problem. No one really accepted her, not even her kin ]
Oh, come on. "My character is hated because of how awesome and special and pretty she is!!!" is a stupid, stupid idea.
[would she of followed ]
HAVE, not "of".
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5887241/1/Pokemon_Alpha_and_Omega
Dammit. Look, if you want to put a half dozen lines of prophesy in front of your story, fine. But it doesn't need to be a separate chapter. In fact, making it a separate chapter is actually a terrible, stupid idea, because your prophesy is just a bunch of vagueness that's only theoretically redeemed by it relating somehow to your story. Therefore, it belongs there, not on its own.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5887241/2/Pokemon_Alpha_and_Omega
Stop using multiple exclamation marks.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Your wording seems off in places, and it's really distracting. It seems like you're trying to force your writing into a style you're not comfortable with, and one that doesn't seem quite appropriate for the story either - it puts an extra layer between the character and reader, which makes it harder to emphasize with him.
The organization is also kind of sloppy - you don't always seem clear what a paragraph is about, or what the character's particular goals are.
[a place for raising himself to be what he knew he was capable of becoming]
This, for example. It doesn't connect well with the idea of wanting freedom itself just because it's one of the many options available if he's free, and bringing it up immediately contradicts the rest of the paragraph, which seems to be more about wanting to be able to do what he wants in general, not accomplish a specific goal.
[Ruby eyes jumped]
Talking about body parts as if they're separate things is another thing that's really distancing. It seems like you can't decide if you want this to be inside his head or not.
[Showing nervousness that wasn't normal wouldn't help him escape. ]
...as opposed to normal nervousness, which would? If I squint, I can work out what you probably mean here, but it's a very bad way of saying it. It'd also have been a lot better if you gave any idea of how he would normally behave, instead of just saying that the one thing he is doing is unusual. Hopefully you get the idea, I don't intend to point out each time because it'd take forever.
[Typical captor's propaganda said that no escapee ever stayed free, but he and the others knew better- those without someone to slow them down, the smart ones, they were never recaptured. If he wanted to keep freedom, it could only be a life of being alone. ]
This doesn't make sense. Admittedly it's possible he's just mistaken, but it doesn't even seem reasonable. If they're escaping, then it might be true that you can't afford to wait, but two people don't automatically move slower than one, and it's not like if he's in a group he'd be unable to abandon them if he had to. If they're communicating with each other enough that there are unspoken rules and things like this that everyone knows, then they should be talking enough that they could organize a group escape that would be a lot more likely to succeed.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
...and the caterpie are randomly helping her after she killed a pokemon why?
Anyway. This is kind of interesting, but the writing style is pretty annoying. Also, I'm really sick of competent loner boy/incompetent clingy girl setups.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5885713/1/Rag_Dolls
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, not mom. It's only in constructions like my/her/the mom that it's written as such.
[And perhaps now that I think back to my abhorrence to her had I realise it had never done me anything good in my family's eyes. ]
Pretty sure that middle 'had' shouldn't be there. Your sentence structure is generally wonky and badly worded.
[when there not suffocating]
They're. There is the place.
[that dispute how many layers ]
Despite.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
You really need a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5885725/1/Pokemon_Johto_Journeys_2
[Sorry, this was just a prologue. It didn't have any speech or really much action/adventure in it. ]
No, it wasn't. It was a summary. You should never open your story with a summary - if it's something interesting, it should be shown, if it's not it shouldn't be brought up at all. Anything that's recapping the standard pokemon journey (like pokemon, get one from a professor, get team, get badges, etc) does not need to be repeated. If anything unusual happened, then deal with it in flashback when it comes up. Summaries are boring and bad writing.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
And stop with the exclamation marks. They make you look like a five year old.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5886182/1/Journey_Of_Ascention
Your title is misspelled.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[almost looking in a gaze as if it was rare]
That doesn't make any sense.
Anyway, like so many other "first chapters" this really needs to be longer, as it doesn't give any idea what's going on or why I should care about the characters involved. You can have more than one scene in a chapter, you know.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5886548/1/Chaos_of_Legends
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
...wait, so, they're going to attack populated cities, and if people fight back they'll threaten civilians? Look, I don't know how bad your education was, but Moscow, London and Tokyo are all important places _because they're full of people_. It's not like blowing up the Pentagon or something. Also, if they know what our capitals are and about stuff like the Pokemon show, then if they have some grievance against our world, they should know which countries were actually involved - and I really doubt it was exactly those four countries. If America's screwing with them, blowing up half of Russia too won't accomplish anything, and if a random assortment like that is all involved then it's really hard to believe that, say, China isn't part of this too.
[He flew above the city for about ten minutes, not caring how much attention he attracted and he began to hover outside the Whitehouse.]
Okay, so you're writing this in 2010 and you seriously think that people would wait for him to get there and burn down the White House before they started shooting at him, which they would do with bullets? We have radar. Hell, we have twitter, and you've made it clear everyone could see him. He'd be shot down by missile well before he even reached the city.
[The big bird again ended the soldiers' lives with a fiery end; but the metal vehicle just seemed to shrug off the flames. As soon as Moltres ended the fire the vehicle shot a cone of metal that was much bigger then the previous ones; it hit him right in the chest where it exploded and knocked him through the window of a nearby building. ]
Conversely, we do not have magic tanks that are immune to heat and insulate everyone inside perfectly.
["Land on the ground now or we will open fire!" A voice from the craft shouted.]
This is too stupid. I'm going to stop reading now.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5886568/1/Pokemon_Mystery_Dungeon_Mews_Story
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[they could see the Krabby blowing bubbles ]
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5886646/1/Aura_Knights_Aura_Sphere
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Do I really want to do this? Is it worth it? He asked himself ]
Thoughts follow the same capitalization/punctuation rules as dialogue.
[exactly three of the Legendary Aura Knights where missing.]
Where, like here, has to do with place. "Were" is the verb.
Still, nice to see something plot-related going on.
[Anyway, next chapter you get to meet some of the main characters, although it may be a while before the Aura Knight thing fully comes into play. ]
Speaking of plot related, please don't do something where the main characters wander about on minor errands and other filler before reuniting with the actual story. For example, if they're trainers you don't need to show them waking up, getting a starter, setting out, catching their first pokemon, going off to get badges, etc.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5886731/1/The_Knight_and_the_Princess
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Jenna stopped by the Cubone, kneeling down. "I'm guessing…well, I'm not really sure. Maybe…he passed out from exhaustion? I mean, you didn't hit him that hard, right? Your head isn't that hard." She chuckled slightly. "Seems…sorta bad to try and catch him now." Jenna leaned to the side, retrieving her deflected Pokeball, before returning it to her bag. ]
...oh, come on. The fact a pokemon has collapsed from its injuries after being attacked by her pokemon means it's wrong to catch it?
...and now she's seriously just leaving it.
Look, this is cute enough, but you really need to work on not having things happen just because. It's hard to be impressed with how hard Princess is working to take care of the cubone when the only reason it's in such terrible shape and collapsing from exhaustion is that her didn't bother taking it to a pokecenter to get healed.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5886929/1/Js_Apprentice_Back_Story_Walkers_Past
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
It's "okay", four letters.
...and this seems to be one of those things where the author has confused "story" and "listing off characters". Just saying over and over against "and now, a new BABY!!!" does not make for an actual plotline.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5887077/1/A_Fairytale_Gone_Wrong
[He had a dark green thing that held his sword attached to his belt. The sword had a green jewel that was placed between the hilt and the blade. (A/N: Later on I found out that the "thing" is called a scabbard.) ]
There is no fucking "later on". Why the hell did you do this? Were you expecting everyone to be impressed that you finally learned a basic word, or just to be awestruck you're capable of any form of learning at all?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5887157/1/Never_Surrender
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, not mom. It's only in constructions like my/her/the mom that it's written as such.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[The lethe creature ]
Use spellcheck.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[She wasn't like the other Vulpix, she had a bright, golden color to her coat that shimmered flawlessly in the sun's radiance. Although, this seemed to pose as a problem. No one really accepted her, not even her kin ]
Oh, come on. "My character is hated because of how awesome and special and pretty she is!!!" is a stupid, stupid idea.
[would she of followed ]
HAVE, not "of".
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5887241/1/Pokemon_Alpha_and_Omega
Dammit. Look, if you want to put a half dozen lines of prophesy in front of your story, fine. But it doesn't need to be a separate chapter. In fact, making it a separate chapter is actually a terrible, stupid idea, because your prophesy is just a bunch of vagueness that's only theoretically redeemed by it relating somehow to your story. Therefore, it belongs there, not on its own.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5887241/2/Pokemon_Alpha_and_Omega
Stop using multiple exclamation marks.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
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Date: 2010-04-12 07:33 pm (UTC)