Nare, Day Twelve
Apr. 12th, 2010 11:37 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/5887445/1/Sonic_vs_pokemon
Capitalize your title properly.
Write out numbers with letters.
Don't center your entire story text, it makes it hard to read.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[PERMENANTLY!!! ]
Spellcheck, and don't use multiple exclamation marks.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
You have numerous other errors throughout this. Proofread better and find a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5887486/1/Love_on_the_Field
Stop capitalizing random words.
When not used in place of a name, it's written dad, not Dad.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
Author's notes should never be in your story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5887546/1/As_Luck_Would_Have_It
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Scout is barley ]
Barely.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
["I know you've been going through some hard times, so I really don't want to drop this kind of thing on you. But if I don't, I may not have the courage to later. So, here's the thing, I'm having second thoughts about getting married. I've been doing some serious thinking, and I just don't think we're right for each other. I hope we can still be friends though. See ya later…" *click!* ]
["I know you're a man of few words, Mr. Sauter, so I'll cut to the chase. Whatever gave your pet Scout cancer, also gave it to you. ]
I LOLed. There's a difference between drama and melodrama. Randomly having everything bad happen at once is not the way to get across how serious business it is.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5887552/1/Marowaks_Grave
Yet another too-short first chapter. Really getting to be an annoying theme.
So basically, for no reason the marowak is clinging to the edge of a cliff, and for no reason can't even lift her other arm without letting go of the bone club, and for no reason it's impossible for the cubone to grab her by the hand she's using to hold on, and then for no reason she lets go.
[I looked down at her morbid grave. "Rest in Peace, Anstice." No one knew what it meant, and at this point in time, no one wanted to know. ]
Continuing this theme, she's somehow buried without anyone having a clue what was going on or why they were doing it or what "rest in peace" means. Also, morbid grave? As opposed to normal, non-morbid graves?
Finally, why is this even about a cubone? The whole dead-mother connection with them is that they wear the skull of their dead mother. This clearly has nothing to do with that, yet for some inexplicable reason you thought it'd be a good idea to write your dead-mother fic with a cubone to combine overdone and random into one horrible mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5887602/1/Time_to_Go
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
...so Ash is leaving on the boat, except he's only pretending to leave and really he left one of his pokemon with her intending to come back after she released it and it got him from the boat, except that the narration appears to be in on the trick, given you describe Ash as being legitimately upset and not just faking it, and also because because absolutely nothing I just recapped makes the slightest bit of sense.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5888492/1/Pokemon_Alternate_Disaster
Do not use " for thoughts. Ever. It just looks like your character is talking to themself.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[The mysterious man passed Elvaia a small box, and immediately after that, teleported away with his Alakazam.]
Oh, come on.
[There were two photographs, a letter and a Pokeball. The first picture showed the exact same scene of her dream, the giant shadow covering the whole of Gaian Region. The second picture showed the shadow covering the whole land of the Pokemon world. ]
...and how exactly would someone have photos of this?
[As they left their hometown, the mysterious man looked over them from the rooftop of Elvaia's house. ]
Okay, see, these kinds of devices are necessary in, say, anime or some other visual media, where you cut to the guy standing watching and stuff. They really don't work half so well in text, and tend to just come off as silly.
[The Heroin from Atrion Town ]
I think you mean "heroine". The E is important.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5888543/1/The_Magnet_of_Rivals
Your formatting is obnoxious and makes your story unreadable.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5888624/1/Stuck_in_an_odd_spot
Capitalize your title properly.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[I'll let you barrow one ]
Borrow.
And considering she's walking next to him the whole time, why hand him a pokemon for protection instead of just telling him to stick nearby until they get to a town?
[Clara rented him a room, using her trainer card like a credit card. ]
No, because as has been repeatedly established, it's free.
If she thinks he needs a pokemon, why doesn't she just catch him one using one of her pokemon?
...and now she's instantly able to realize it's not Ryou, despite all canon characters ever struggling with the concept.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5888741/1/Haunting_Photography
Well, that was ridiculously OOC.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5888747/1/Lost_Souls_Intertwined
[Until one night, whilst sailing to new land, a storm broke out, capsizing the boat and separating the two. ]
...pretty sure that's fatal to the typhlosion, unless he's in his pokeball at the time. You're not clear.
[some brown fox with orange hair and six orange tails ]
If it's orange, why is she calling it brown? Pretty sure they're reddish in general, anyway.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[She had curled up into the girls lap and was purring away, contentedly. The little boy was surprised, his vulpix was usually as timid as he was. Unbeknownst to them all, the girl had quite a bond with fire pokemon. Spending six years with one would do that to you. ]
This is a pretty annoying device. If you want to indicate she has some lingering connection to fire types, having her reach for the pokemon or trust the boy because she finds the vulpix kind of familiar or otherwise indicate it on her end would work a lot better than the tired trope that something that's normally timid/standoffish/etc likes her.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, not mom. It's only in constructions like my/her/the mom that it's written as such.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5888747/2/Lost_Souls_Intertwined
[He was a reserved, quite boy, approaching mid teens, often brooding over his future. He wanted to be a world class trainer, just like everybody else, but perhaps not the champion. He had decided not to set his hopes too high too soon, take it little by little. His mother had stomped his dreams flat. He, being the eldest, was expected to inherit the farm, once his mother had passed, being as his father was no longer with them. James had argued that he would come back, when that time came ]
Trainers start at ten, being a trainer is normal and most come back, there's never been any suggestion kids can't just walk off. If you want a resentful older brother, it'd make more sense that he left and was then called back midway through his journey to take over the farm.
[The two men, one named Chas, the other unknown, had pounced on the typhlosion. It roared instantly, clawing and biting, producing flames to burn the men whenever it could. More often than not, however, he ended up getting himself. Now roaring in pain, he struggled more. The men retreated, letting go only to release their own pokemon. ]
That was suicidal, and unless this typhlosion is incompetent to the point of being worthless, I find it hard to believe humans are not only dodging his attacks, but so awesomely he ends up burning himself. Why wouldn't they start off using their pokemon? If this was some tiny eevee or something I'd at least see how people might miscalculate, but no one's going to look at a two hundred pound badger, which by the way is on fire, and think that wrestling it is a good idea.
Capitalize your title properly.
Write out numbers with letters.
Don't center your entire story text, it makes it hard to read.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[PERMENANTLY!!! ]
Spellcheck, and don't use multiple exclamation marks.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
You have numerous other errors throughout this. Proofread better and find a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5887486/1/Love_on_the_Field
Stop capitalizing random words.
When not used in place of a name, it's written dad, not Dad.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
Author's notes should never be in your story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5887546/1/As_Luck_Would_Have_It
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Scout is barley ]
Barely.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
["I know you've been going through some hard times, so I really don't want to drop this kind of thing on you. But if I don't, I may not have the courage to later. So, here's the thing, I'm having second thoughts about getting married. I've been doing some serious thinking, and I just don't think we're right for each other. I hope we can still be friends though. See ya later…" *click!* ]
["I know you're a man of few words, Mr. Sauter, so I'll cut to the chase. Whatever gave your pet Scout cancer, also gave it to you. ]
I LOLed. There's a difference between drama and melodrama. Randomly having everything bad happen at once is not the way to get across how serious business it is.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5887552/1/Marowaks_Grave
Yet another too-short first chapter. Really getting to be an annoying theme.
So basically, for no reason the marowak is clinging to the edge of a cliff, and for no reason can't even lift her other arm without letting go of the bone club, and for no reason it's impossible for the cubone to grab her by the hand she's using to hold on, and then for no reason she lets go.
[I looked down at her morbid grave. "Rest in Peace, Anstice." No one knew what it meant, and at this point in time, no one wanted to know. ]
Continuing this theme, she's somehow buried without anyone having a clue what was going on or why they were doing it or what "rest in peace" means. Also, morbid grave? As opposed to normal, non-morbid graves?
Finally, why is this even about a cubone? The whole dead-mother connection with them is that they wear the skull of their dead mother. This clearly has nothing to do with that, yet for some inexplicable reason you thought it'd be a good idea to write your dead-mother fic with a cubone to combine overdone and random into one horrible mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5887602/1/Time_to_Go
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
...so Ash is leaving on the boat, except he's only pretending to leave and really he left one of his pokemon with her intending to come back after she released it and it got him from the boat, except that the narration appears to be in on the trick, given you describe Ash as being legitimately upset and not just faking it, and also because because absolutely nothing I just recapped makes the slightest bit of sense.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5888492/1/Pokemon_Alternate_Disaster
Do not use " for thoughts. Ever. It just looks like your character is talking to themself.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[The mysterious man passed Elvaia a small box, and immediately after that, teleported away with his Alakazam.]
Oh, come on.
[There were two photographs, a letter and a Pokeball. The first picture showed the exact same scene of her dream, the giant shadow covering the whole of Gaian Region. The second picture showed the shadow covering the whole land of the Pokemon world. ]
...and how exactly would someone have photos of this?
[As they left their hometown, the mysterious man looked over them from the rooftop of Elvaia's house. ]
Okay, see, these kinds of devices are necessary in, say, anime or some other visual media, where you cut to the guy standing watching and stuff. They really don't work half so well in text, and tend to just come off as silly.
[The Heroin from Atrion Town ]
I think you mean "heroine". The E is important.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5888543/1/The_Magnet_of_Rivals
Your formatting is obnoxious and makes your story unreadable.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5888624/1/Stuck_in_an_odd_spot
Capitalize your title properly.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[I'll let you barrow one ]
Borrow.
And considering she's walking next to him the whole time, why hand him a pokemon for protection instead of just telling him to stick nearby until they get to a town?
[Clara rented him a room, using her trainer card like a credit card. ]
No, because as has been repeatedly established, it's free.
If she thinks he needs a pokemon, why doesn't she just catch him one using one of her pokemon?
...and now she's instantly able to realize it's not Ryou, despite all canon characters ever struggling with the concept.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5888741/1/Haunting_Photography
Well, that was ridiculously OOC.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5888747/1/Lost_Souls_Intertwined
[Until one night, whilst sailing to new land, a storm broke out, capsizing the boat and separating the two. ]
...pretty sure that's fatal to the typhlosion, unless he's in his pokeball at the time. You're not clear.
[some brown fox with orange hair and six orange tails ]
If it's orange, why is she calling it brown? Pretty sure they're reddish in general, anyway.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[She had curled up into the girls lap and was purring away, contentedly. The little boy was surprised, his vulpix was usually as timid as he was. Unbeknownst to them all, the girl had quite a bond with fire pokemon. Spending six years with one would do that to you. ]
This is a pretty annoying device. If you want to indicate she has some lingering connection to fire types, having her reach for the pokemon or trust the boy because she finds the vulpix kind of familiar or otherwise indicate it on her end would work a lot better than the tired trope that something that's normally timid/standoffish/etc likes her.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, not mom. It's only in constructions like my/her/the mom that it's written as such.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5888747/2/Lost_Souls_Intertwined
[He was a reserved, quite boy, approaching mid teens, often brooding over his future. He wanted to be a world class trainer, just like everybody else, but perhaps not the champion. He had decided not to set his hopes too high too soon, take it little by little. His mother had stomped his dreams flat. He, being the eldest, was expected to inherit the farm, once his mother had passed, being as his father was no longer with them. James had argued that he would come back, when that time came ]
Trainers start at ten, being a trainer is normal and most come back, there's never been any suggestion kids can't just walk off. If you want a resentful older brother, it'd make more sense that he left and was then called back midway through his journey to take over the farm.
[The two men, one named Chas, the other unknown, had pounced on the typhlosion. It roared instantly, clawing and biting, producing flames to burn the men whenever it could. More often than not, however, he ended up getting himself. Now roaring in pain, he struggled more. The men retreated, letting go only to release their own pokemon. ]
That was suicidal, and unless this typhlosion is incompetent to the point of being worthless, I find it hard to believe humans are not only dodging his attacks, but so awesomely he ends up burning himself. Why wouldn't they start off using their pokemon? If this was some tiny eevee or something I'd at least see how people might miscalculate, but no one's going to look at a two hundred pound badger, which by the way is on fire, and think that wrestling it is a good idea.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2010-04-13 07:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-13 05:25 pm (UTC)