Nare, Day Seventeen
Apr. 17th, 2010 10:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/5902070/1/Broken_Dreams
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Also, this is far too short for a first chapter. You don't need to start a new chapter with each new scene. This should go in front of your next chapter, not by itself.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5902175/1/DoomsDay_Chronicles
[A sigh came out bas he reached ]
Proofread.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[and now it's grown ]
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
...and it's more computers do not work that way.
Here's the thing. If you're doing something that's impossible, it's really best to just accept this, not try to insert various buzzwords into the explanation. We know what computers and computer viruses are, which means we know they can't do this sort of thing. "It's magic!" works a lot better than "it's a computer virus that is acting like it's magic". If you can't think up a good explanation, then don't focus on your terrible one, just move the story past that point as fast and smoothly as you can.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5902175/2/DoomsDay_Chronicles
[the average Mewtwo ]
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[in a patter all around his body ]
Do you mean pattern?
Your tenses are really screwed up. Get a beta.
And why exactly is this mewtwo taking forever to kill one puny human? I get that you want an ominous leadup, but you can't have things happen just because. If you want him to spend a while panicking and trying to flee, it'd be better for it not to see him immediately. Maybe have it just glancing around like it's looking for something at first, and he decides to run on general principle. Makes a lot more sense than the idea a mewtwo would need to take forever to charge up one attack intended for a normal person.
[sparadic ]
Spellcheck.
...and now he's trying to get on a plane? How exactly is that going to help him escape a mewtwo? All he's doing is making it so that when he's attacked, a bunch of other innocent people will die too.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5902220/1/Fractured
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[See, every Pokemon has a soul. But the catch is that every time a Pokemon faints, a bit of that soul fades away. And when the entire soul is gone, in case you haven't already figured this out, that Pokemon dies. ]
…? I mean, the basic concept is a good one, but it seems to be utterly disconnected from your actual fic. For starters, you establish that the soul is a recent addition, so obviously they were able to function just fine without one. You also don't explain what a soul is actually good for - the fact they seem to have a mythology that predates their souls implies that it didn't make them more intelligent or anything - so why Celebi thought it was so important to give them one is unclear. Finally, you say in no uncertain terms that the current situation
[Being fierce was worth everything today. Every Pokemon, every trainer, wants to be fiercer than the rest. What happened to the fun that Pokemon was years ago? The story isn't a secret, but no one seems to want to change our situation. Merely adapting to be fiercer is enough. ]
is directly related to this, but the only change the addition of souls made so far is that it means something bad happens if they're knocked out. That's an incentive to battle less, not more.
Possibly you mean this to be confusing stuff that'll get explained later, but if so you're doing a terrible job of it, since it's not hinting that there's an answer behind this, it's just coming off as nonsense you didn't think through.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5902241/1/Revelations
[It's as if life itself has completely frozen over.
She isn't very fond of clichés, but it's the only thing she can use that would accurately describe the torrent of emotions pounding through her]
I'm not fond of clichés either, but the real issue is people using them bothering to even think what they mean. "Frozen over" means numb and still - a frozen river. If her emotions are a pounding torrent, then they are the opposite of still.
If you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Use said. Seriously, won't bite, lovely word, generally more appropriate for the sentence than whatever word you're using in its place.
That aside, this is otherwise pretty good. The story works and the characterizations feel natural. For the most part the description is done well, but it's trying too hard in places, like the opening.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5902346/1/What_did_Drew_do
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Proofread better.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5902921/1/From_New_Bark_Town
[As with my other story I think the idea that trainers start training at the apparently 'oh-so-mature' age of ten is stupid and ridiculous. I have made it sixteen here and in the other. So I'm not repeating a million stories on the site, I'm twisting the plot a little, and perhaps making Team Rocket something a little more sinister in the future. It confused me how they didn't actually have a goal in the games, they just seemed to be *there*. ]
You know, it's almost impressive how consistently people saying "but it is unpossible they could be ten year old kids" show similar failings at every other aspect of canon too.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Use said. Seriously, won't bite, lovely word, generally more appropriate for the sentence than whatever word you're using in its place.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5902932/1/Eevee_Transformed_Book_1_Morphed
Don't use ' for speech, it's ". This is especially annoying because a lot of people insist on using ' for thoughts.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Write out numbers with letters.
Use said. Seriously, won't bite, lovely word, generally more appropriate for the sentence than whatever word you're using in its place.
['Go find your friends, little one,' Mew told the Umbreon. He nodded quickly and sprinted off towards a seven other groups, extracting one Pokémon each time. He returned again with each of them – Eevee and the rest of her evolutions. ]
You know, I'm honestly pretty tired of how just coincidentally there's only ever one of each. On pokemon teams and such it makes sense that the trainer was deliberately making sure not to have more than one of the same kind, but what, he's only allowed one friend per group? If the eevee evolves into a vapereon or something, either it or the current vaporeon get kicked out?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5903003/1/Idiotic_Boy
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Use said. Seriously, won't bite, lovely word, generally more appropriate for the sentence than whatever word you're using in its place.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5903107/1/Its_Life
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
[TOO LOUD," Cassidy yelled at butch!!!
"Sorry," Butch's reply was barley heard. ]
Your writing is terrible. Proofread better and get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5903824/1/Felicities
Write out numbers with letters.
[Tomorrow was Felicity Ashton's birthday, her 15th which would mean she could legally become a Pokémon trainer ]
ARG. No. No. It's been done, it's been a terrible idea, trainers start at ten.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[A girl jumped up from the sofa. She was 5"7, the same height as Felicity, and wore blue dungarees with a red top, thigh-highs and a huge white floppy hat. This was Lyra, one of Felicity's two best friends, and was standing next to the other one. Ethan was about 6ft, and wore black tracksuit bottoms with a red jacket. ]
No one ever needs to know the exact height to the inch of a character, and don't just list off what people are wearing, it's bad writing.
Other things that aren't needed include birthday parties listing off everything a character gets. Skip over filler like this. If any of the presents she gets come up later, you can mention then, when they're actually in use as part of her actually doing something interesting, that they were a gift.
[from her Mum ]
If it's not being used in place of a name, it shouldn't be capitalized.
Do not use " for thoughts. Ever. It just looks like your character is talking to themself.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5904037/1/Pokemon_Dioschyth_invasion
Lrn2troll.
Chicklets are not really as macroble as their glarey future selves. You will have to settle for their fuzzy butts shunning you.
no subject
Date: 2010-04-18 04:25 am (UTC)What's the logic here? Are these people asking themselves "Would I rather be away from home camping in the woods for months at the age of ten or sixteen?" and answering SIXTEEN? Are they all male? If I'm going to go pokémon training at sixteen I'd better fucking have Fly.
-a newbie here, who is pissed off today for several good reasons...
no subject
Date: 2010-04-18 03:32 pm (UTC)