NaRe, Day Twentyfive

[farla]

Kept getting this error message, which slowed me down considerably.
FanFiction.Net Admin/Login area will be disabled from 2009/12/15 10PM US Pacific Time to approximately 2009/12/16 12AM. We do not expect the down-time to exceed 30 minutes but have allocated 2 hours in caution.
We will utilize this 2 hour window to upgrade our database system and resolve timeout problems users have been reporting in the login/admin area.
We appreciate your understanding in this short down-time window.

Thank you - Site Staff
What stands out to me isn't that this message is somehow being transmitted from the past, it's that it's not even accurate - the login area was still working throughout this whole affair.


http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5920559/1/The_Place_We_Knew

[The air was fraught with humidity, and the child suddenly hushed, and then the sun crept over the ridge beyond the city. ]

This seems to be a string of non sequiturs.

[Chloe's violet eyes ]

NO. Pick a valid human color.

Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.

Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."

[As if she were made of glass, most treated her as such. ]

You need to work on your wording. Or possibly work on it less, a lot of this reads like you're trying too hard to arrange your sentences in novel ways rather than clearly.

["Don't worry, I'll get us across. You can ride on my back, okay?"
Before Chloe could shake out a reluctant nod, Jackie tied the fishing rod around his back and knelt down. Chloe breathed deep of the briny air and wrapped her little arms around his neck.
"Hold on tight!" With a whoop and a holler, Jackie dove into the water and trekked towards the sandy island. The rising sun glimmered over the water's surface and illuminated the coupled form of the wandering children.
Chloe had shut her eyes and buried her face in Jackie's warm neck. Before she could start worrying, Jackie crawled out of the water and flopped onto something soft.]

Yeah, I don't think so. If he's an extremely strong swimmer it's possible he could manage to swim the distance with her, but if she's on his back, everything except the top of his head should be underwater. I've tried this, and I can't imagine anyone managing to keep their neck enough above the water line for her to burrow against, let alone in the ocean, where there should be waves.

You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, not mom. It's only in constructions like my/her/the mom that it's written as such.

Anyway, this was really, really dull. A lot of stuff seems to be happening just because, and aside from her dad leaving at the very beginning, nothing significant seems to be going on. Also, while you may mean this to be showcasing cute friendship, between the age difference and some questionable word choices, it's actually coming off kind of skeevy.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5920880/1/Unstoppable

All bold is annoying to read.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.

Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5921168/1/The_Sundering

[Team Magma was little-known outside of Hoenn, where they were engaged in a pseudo-war against Team Aqua, over the power to control Groudon and Kyogre. This rivalry was stopped at times by the intervention of a lone trainer, one who entered the feud on accident. After they were both stopped in their attempts, although they had suceeded in waking the legendaries, they fell back into the shadows, where they waited. ]

You've overusing commas. Also, spellcheck.

You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Anyway, this does seem like an interesting concept, though I really don't think it works well as a chapter on its own.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5921296/1/Jodi

You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[. She had always wanted a Pokemon of her own, but she had never been able to travel to New Bark Town to get one. Now she was fourteen years old, and the want for her own Pokemon was becoming much stronger… ]

Across every canon, you do not need to go to a professor for your first pokemon.

...and now she's being forced to take a pokemon she's terrified of, because Bugsy is an asshole on every level. Seriously. Even if we accept that it's appropriate to force on her something she can barely stand to be near, it's hardly fair to the pokemon to be given to someone who hates and fears it. I assume you want a plot over how she has to get over her fears, but you need a degree of actual reasoning behind why that's necessary, not just the world at large forcing it on her.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5921692/1/Power_and_Friendship

You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

...this is looking dull and fillerish.

It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.

...even more dull and fillerish...

...nothing has happened. Seriously, chapters need things to happen.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5921760/1/Heart_of_Silver

You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Anyway, this seems like a rather poor attempt at parody.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5921769/1/Where_The_Road_Leads_Us

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.

Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."

Songfic is banned. Because they're terrible.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5921836/1/The_Cursed_Saviors

You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Write out numbers with letters.

[The trainer was named Syl, aged 17, short, having dark brown short semi-curly hair and wearing clothes that you would see a relaxed teen would wear. ]

That's a terrible description.

Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.

Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."

It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.

[Physic-Blade ]

Presumably you mean "psychic".

[He retracted the sword, revealing a real sword, a Kalis (a wavy double-edge Filipino sword). ]

Wow, the pokemon listing off earlier had a pretty sueish vibe but we're now getting into random description of how special the swords are, which is at least an order of magnitude worse.

Anyway, pretty much degrades from here. Extended fight scenes aren't intrinsically interesting. If you don't bother establishing the characters beforehand, and the battle itself seems disconnected, it's just a bunch of shouting.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5921895/1/Prodigal_Child

You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.

Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."

Things like note-writing or thoughts should follow the same capitalization/punctuation rules.

[Carefully, methodically, Oak copied all the information onto a disk, then he wiped the computers memory, then he downloaded a virus that destroyed every bit of software, then he set both computers on fire. ]

...doesn't the last step make the rest redundant?

[Growlith ]

Growlithe. Look up pokemon species to check your spelling.

[His entire house was coated, inside and out, in giant purple butterflies. Half a dozen had lighted on the man himself, and kept coming back no matter how many times he brushed them off.]

Butterfree are gigantic.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5921922/1/Buizels_Friend

You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

[if you can here me ]

Hear.

[Furret said to everyone, "I'm sorry if I haven't been honest with everyone here. It was many years ago when Buizel was born he had no one to take care of him and he had no friends. So he grew up his entire life with no friends or family. He had seen some really bad things happen to other Pokemon like being yelled at and abused, so he reflected all of that on everyone around him. He isn't a bad Pokemon everyone he is just really lonely and needs a friend. I actually now how he feels as the samething happened to me."]

...yeah, bullies are always people with no friends. And truly, our sympathy should go with them and not the way they ruin everyone else's lives.

Also, spellcheck.

And what, it never occurs to any of them to work together to fight him? Just because he's beaten people who've challenged him doesn't mean he's able to beat several of them, let alone all.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5922361/1/Farewell_My_Gliscor

Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.

Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."

[what best friend's ]

Never use an apostrophe for a plural.

[I made your favorite Egged Fried Rice]

Stop capitalizing random words.

You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Anyway, this is pretty bland storywise, though it does technically have a plot. But just "Ash misses his released pokemon" is not really a revelation, so it's not that interesting to focus on by itself.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5922733/1/Mapels_Pokemon_Story

There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and "Sinnoh". "Saga" similarly comes in at a hundred.

What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.

You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[. I was literally bouncing with anticipation as I tore open the wrapping and opened the box. It was filled with Styrofoam peanuts! I looked up at mum, upset. ]

To call her dumb as a rock would be insulting rocks.

Also, when used in place of a name, it's written Mom, not mom. It's only in constructions like my/her/the mom that it's written as such.

That said, it is nice to see a kid getting their first pokemon before turning ten, instead of well after.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5923109/1/Illusion_of_Sevii

It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.

"Your" is possessive, as in, your story, "you're" means "you are".

You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5923694/1/I_Want_To_Join_Team_Rocket

You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Daphne had had to bribe the security guard at the front entrance into letting her into the building, using a box of six doughnuts. After much deliberating, the guard had agreed. ]

I'd find this contrived for a normal organization, let alone Team Rocket. Generally not a good idea to ignore your entire job description for five bucks of pastry when your boss is Giovanni.

[A woman who looked to be in her early forties was sitting behind the front desk, chatting easily on the telephone. Daphne went over to her and leaned on the desk, attempting to intimidate the woman into hanging up the phone. Much to Daphne's annoyance, the woman rolled her eyes and swivelled around on her chair, so her back was to Daphne. ]

As we later learn that she's way too young to be a normal rocket and so it should be obvious she's a kid that snuck in, why would the secretary ignore her, rather than calling for security?

["You, join Team Rocket? Don't make me laugh kid. Get out of my office before I tell security to call your parents," said Giovanni coldly. Daphne narrowed her eyes at him.
"I know you let people as young as me join your organisation and I think–"
"That was last month," Giovanni cut her off. "There was a chance for you to sign up then and I guess it's your loss you missed the deadline. I'm a busy man so if you wouldn't mind seeing yourself out..." ]

This is dumb in every imaginable way. You don't explain why the rules change, or why Giovanni would care about it, let alone why Giovanni would think it was a better idea to push the kid that's broken into your headquarters and seen everything back out the front door.

["I won't leave until you let me join," said Daphne, standing up straight once more. Giovanni didn't much like giving in to other peoples demands – especially a little girl's – so he twisted it in his favour. That way, he reasoned, it's not as if I lost. He forced a heavy sigh.]

What, he's powerless in the face of a fourteen year old girl refusing to leave when he asks her? He can't shoot her, or order his persian to eat her, or summon one of his numerous employees, or just get up and shove her out the door?

[Daphne took in the stairs behind him and realized her had run up them ]

Proofread.

[The Rocket grunt began to bow, thought better of it, and tried to make out he had dropped something on the floor. ]

Why? Either it's protocol he does, in which case he should have, or it's not, and he should never have started to.

["You need to take me to the...peewee training school," said Daphne. It embarrassed her to say the word 'peewee', even to a Pokémon. The Charizard looked fiercely at Daphne and she felt compelled to amend herself.
"Uh...please?" To Daphne's absolute astonishment, the Charizard's frown melted to make way for a smile. ]

So why exactly is the sort of person that says please to a pokemon so desperate to join an organization built around exploiting them? For that matter, why would they even have a pokemon where you have to ask nicely to get it to take you anywhere in the first place?

[You're very lucky since someone dropped out just this morning ]

That'd better be a euphemism for "died horribly".

[Since its Sunday]

"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5923912/1/Avatar_Mystery_Dungeon_2_The_Next_Generation

You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Songfic: still banned. Still shitty writing.

Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.

Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5923991/1/To_Live

[Ash, Misty, and Brock had grabbed their weakened pokemon and ran from the rainy battlefield, where James, Jessie, and Meowth had finally started winning. The Team Rocket agents stormed after them angrily, shouting nonstop insults of the children's idiotic cowardice. The irony didn't even cross their minds. The rain was pouring down heavily, only adding to the pathetic depression of the situation. They had lost to Team Rocket! ]

...how, exactly? They're pretty much defined around not being able to actually beat the kids' pokemon.

[its' name ]

"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is". "Its'" is nonsense.

[Togepi would never intentionally hurt its' master or her friends, but the confined space made them all susceptible to the blast ]

It's using metronome, there is no "but" because Togepi's intentions would never matter in the first place.

...and now there's some random shapechanging camera spinarak that's been invisastalking Jesse her whole life, because, only now it's shown up, because, and so it's going to show her the recordings, because, only it's going to show them to everyone else at the same time. Because. And you've invented some bonus scenes of her life sucking. Because. And it's rape. Because.

Yeah, I'm going to stop reading here.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5924115/1/Challengers_of_the_Unknown

You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Write out numbers with letters.

Anyway, this is looking like a rather generic grim and gritty iteration.

["Bring it on," the girl taunted, aiming her gun. The two walked slowly in a circle around each other till the Pokemon jumped on her. She screamed and started firing the gun. Her legs swung up and kicked the Houndoom off of her, sending it flying to a wall ]

So not only does she fail to shoot it while it's moving slowly and not seconds from killing her, but it's somehow managed to forget every distance attack it has?

Comments

[ember-reignited.livejournal.com]

between the age difference and some questionable word choices, it's actually coming off kind of skeevy

After seeing this I had to skim the story to see if there was anything worse than "the coupled form of the wandering children" (ugh!), and I have to say it sounded to me like it's intended to be a budding romance (double ugh!). But then I read the summary, and now I'm just utterly, utterly confused.

Carefully, methodically, Oak copied all the information onto a disk, then he wiped the computers memory, then he downloaded a virus that destroyed every bit of software, then he set both computers on fire.

This is a really funny sentence. It could even be intentionally funny, depending on the context. So I went to read the story, and of course it comes right after a grisly description of the scene of a murder. Someday I will learn.

I'd find this contrived for a normal organization, let alone Team Rocket. Generally not a good idea to ignore your entire job description for five bucks of pastry when your boss is Giovanni.

Calling it now. She's going to respond with an explanation of how, actually, Team Rocket guards have canonically been bought off with less. Because of course you've never played R/B/Y and don't know that already.

...Okay. So I know now that my whole Protectors of the Plot Continuum phase was every bit as immature as the Mary Sue fanfic that fueled it. But this story almost makes me want to bring out my assassins again, if only because everyone else is failing so horribly at killing a character that by every rule of common sense really should be dead.

[farla.livejournal.com]

I've actually seen the whole multiple-layers-of-computer-protection done several times before. One had their badass stu delete all the data, then wipe the disk, then use a magnet on the disk, then dismantle the computer and take the disk with him, just in case.

Violet eyes are one thing, willful destruction of narrative is another. They must be purged by cleansing fire, or possibly bullets in a pinch.

^_^

[ember-reignited.livejournal.com]

http://ember-reignited.livejournal.com/330.html?thread=323658#t323658

Re: ^_^

[farla.livejournal.com]

...I'm glad they thought it was such a clever phrase? (Even if they did butcher it.)

Possibly they think one of us is the other's sockpuppet, so they figured they could post it anywhere and "I" would see it?

[midnitesaboteur.livejournal.com]

Carefully, methodically, Oak copied all the information onto a disk, then he wiped the computers memory, then he downloaded a virus that destroyed every bit of software, then he set both computers on fire.

I kept waiting for "and then he mailed the ashes to himself and smashed it with a hammer!"

The trainer was named Syl, aged 17, short, having dark brown short semi-curly hair and wearing clothes that you would see a relaxed teen would wear.

The last phrase amuses me. Presumably he was also eating food that you would see an average teen would eat, keeping pokémon (all the starters fully evolved and a gardevoir and a legendary oh my) that you would see an average sue would keep.

The last sentence says "I will get better." I wonder who he's trying to convince.

[farla.livejournal.com]

What's kind of interesting is that if we accept the supposition that the virus was necessary in case the lighting-on-fire bit didn't destroy the hard drives completely, then any investigation would turn up that rather than the data being lost, there's a virus running around that seems to have been uploaded to destroy the data.

Oak is then arrested for tampering with a crime scene and investigated for his part in the murders.