(no subject)
Apr. 30th, 2010 11:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/5933952/1/Pokemon_Mistys_Adventure_Chapter_1
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Also, this is far too short for a first chapter. You don't need to start a new chapter with each new scene. This should go in front of your next chapter, not by itself.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5934313/1/Right_in_my_heart
Capitalize your title properly.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[The red and yellow leaves were already scattering the grounds of the Bell Tower, the very tower where Ho-oh roosts upon when the great lord of the sky visits the humble city of Ecruteak. The tower that once stood with its twin before it was fatefully burnt. Oh, the three beasts caught in the flames, how their dying roars would have been heart wrenching. The great Ho-oh had revived them of course and now they roam Jhoto, their speeds only rivals by the Magnet train in Goldenrod City to Saffron. ]
Your word arrangement is off, your sentences are fragmentary, your modifiers make little to no sense, your tenses are bizarre, and you misspelled "Johto". Get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5934369/1/Lost_memories
Capitalize your title properly.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Also, you're relying way too much on simple, repetative sentences and two or three line paragraphs. A number are even sentence fragments.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5935490/1/Zapped_Changed_and_Gained
Terrible, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5935729/1/Our_World
[note that this is a collection of drabbles ]
NO IT ISN'T BECAUSE A DRABBLE DOES NOT MEAN "A STORY THAT IS SOME LENGTH SHORTER THAN ANOTHER STORY". IT MEANS A HUNDRED WORDS. THIS IS NOT THAT HARD.
[As Tohjo – the combined regions of Kanto and Johto ]
Why the bizarre portmanteau? You already end up saying "Kanto and Johto", you could have just said that and been done with it.
[The fastest line, of course, was the first teller's queue of pre-registered trainers, due mainly to the fact that it had never been that large in the first place. ]
A line being shorter doesn't mean it's faster. A line might be short because it's moving fast, but never the reverse.
[A cheer went up from the processed side of the vast room, where a sizeable crowd had already gathered. The wall of windows that curved around the right and back sides of the building had revealed the telltale glint of April sun on the polished chrome of the Indigo Plateau monorail service. ]
Also, this is overwrought. Your writing is basically decent, but you're trying to hard and it just backfires.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5935799/1/Ponder
…Look, I get the whole "killing weak pokemon" is a popular fanfic trope. But it really needs at least flimsy justification given that pokemon operate on a leveling system, so they all start off weak and get stronger. Basically, it's a waste of time to raise them for a bit, then slaughter them all because they're not as strong as another pokemon that's been trained longer. The kid'd just have to start over from scratch, not really productive if your issue is that he's not strong enough.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[unsheethed ]
Spellcheck.
...and now it just randomly kills itself. Well, that was pointless.
And blocked! Turns out I already reviewed them.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5935933/1/Why_Pikachu
[Well, this is just a short little Oneshot I came up with while riding the bus today while suddenly thinking of two things. 1) Why do Jesse and James of Team Rocket only seem to go for one Pikachu? And 2) Is it just me or is the Pikachu on the anime unusally strong? (Seriously, who hasn't noticed that Pikachu can do one Thunderbolt and suddenly two human beings and their Pokemon are knocked into the sky miles away? And the thing takes down some really strong Pokemon, there is something not normal about Ash's Pikachu.) And so I came up with this idea, my insane theory of what happens when I combine genetic engineering with Pokemon. And please don't flame me for this idea, it was just me poking some fun with an idea why Giovanni (who wasn't an idiot) would want a simple Pikachu when they're not crazy-rare Pokemon.]
I suppose it's inevitable as time goes on that more and more fans will appear who never saw the early episodes.
That said, it's covered in their introductory episode. Ash super-charged Pikachu by using the ruins of Misty's bike which had a light attached to it, allowing it to manage its initial blast despite being quite low level back then. J&J, not quite getting this, declare that Pikachu's power was way more than a normal pikachu of that level. The end.
Also covered is that Giovanni never gave a damn. They decided that they should catch the thing.
Also, you wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[a big secretive research company was seeing if they could genetically mutate Pokémon to make them better, faster, stronger…you get the idea. ]
Largely because it's been done to death already.
[So they decided to test it on a Pikachu because they were easy to find.]
...right. That'd be why they're rare in appearance in almost every game.
[So they got a Pikachu and ]
SCIENCE DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY.
[So they began adding genes to it like the gene from Ninetales that gives it human intelligence or the gene that , just little things that slowly began to add over time when this Pikachu had offspring, and then that one did. ]
GENETIC ENGINEERING DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY.
[The scientists figured out however, that in a way the Pokémon was cursed (in a sense) also, for they had forgotten that putting together the genes of so many different Pokémon also makes the Pokémon unable to evolve. ]
Because it makes so much sense that combining a pokemon that evolves with other pokemon that evolve would result in a pokemon that can't evolve. Especially since it's not like we already have a canon pokemon with weird DNA that's characterized by multiple evolutions rather than none or anything.
Also, it's kind of a plot point that Pikachu doesn't want to evolve, which would make no sense if it couldn't.
On top of all that this is completely random. Pikachu can't evolve without a stone, so there's no need to make up an explanation "fixing" the fact it hasn't evolved yet.
[And because the Pikachu was so intelligent, it frequently would see itself as equal to the humans and would only respect you if you respected it. ]
Because that's definitely not a common trait seen by many pokemon across the entire history of the franchise! No, Pikachu is unique and totally needed a made up sue background to explain why it's like that!
[scientists grew worried and shipped the Pikachu off to Professor Oak, calling it a "gift" and burned any of their research so Team Rocket wouldn't get their hands on it ]
So basically, Oak is a total asshole, or possibly he was trying to get Ash killed.
[that Pikachu was found by a young teenager named Ash ]
TEN YEAR OLDS ARE NOT TEENAGERS.
[Because of this, Giovanni sent out two grunts of Team Rocket named Jesse and James to capture it ]
NO HE DID NOT.
[The two have yet to truly be succesful with this mission and its been many, many years since they first got their mission. Giovanni cannot do anything about it though because if he gets anyone of higher power to capture a Pikachu, his team will grow wary and might realize the Pokemon's importance. And if that happens, they could capture it discreetly and keep it for themself, possibly unseating Giovanni from his illegal throne of Team Rocket! ]
HE HAD FUCKING MEWTWO.
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Also, this is far too short for a first chapter. You don't need to start a new chapter with each new scene. This should go in front of your next chapter, not by itself.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5934313/1/Right_in_my_heart
Capitalize your title properly.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[The red and yellow leaves were already scattering the grounds of the Bell Tower, the very tower where Ho-oh roosts upon when the great lord of the sky visits the humble city of Ecruteak. The tower that once stood with its twin before it was fatefully burnt. Oh, the three beasts caught in the flames, how their dying roars would have been heart wrenching. The great Ho-oh had revived them of course and now they roam Jhoto, their speeds only rivals by the Magnet train in Goldenrod City to Saffron. ]
Your word arrangement is off, your sentences are fragmentary, your modifiers make little to no sense, your tenses are bizarre, and you misspelled "Johto". Get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5934369/1/Lost_memories
Capitalize your title properly.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Also, you're relying way too much on simple, repetative sentences and two or three line paragraphs. A number are even sentence fragments.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5935490/1/Zapped_Changed_and_Gained
Terrible, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5935729/1/Our_World
[note that this is a collection of drabbles ]
NO IT ISN'T BECAUSE A DRABBLE DOES NOT MEAN "A STORY THAT IS SOME LENGTH SHORTER THAN ANOTHER STORY". IT MEANS A HUNDRED WORDS. THIS IS NOT THAT HARD.
[As Tohjo – the combined regions of Kanto and Johto ]
Why the bizarre portmanteau? You already end up saying "Kanto and Johto", you could have just said that and been done with it.
[The fastest line, of course, was the first teller's queue of pre-registered trainers, due mainly to the fact that it had never been that large in the first place. ]
A line being shorter doesn't mean it's faster. A line might be short because it's moving fast, but never the reverse.
[A cheer went up from the processed side of the vast room, where a sizeable crowd had already gathered. The wall of windows that curved around the right and back sides of the building had revealed the telltale glint of April sun on the polished chrome of the Indigo Plateau monorail service. ]
Also, this is overwrought. Your writing is basically decent, but you're trying to hard and it just backfires.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5935799/1/Ponder
…Look, I get the whole "killing weak pokemon" is a popular fanfic trope. But it really needs at least flimsy justification given that pokemon operate on a leveling system, so they all start off weak and get stronger. Basically, it's a waste of time to raise them for a bit, then slaughter them all because they're not as strong as another pokemon that's been trained longer. The kid'd just have to start over from scratch, not really productive if your issue is that he's not strong enough.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[unsheethed ]
Spellcheck.
...and now it just randomly kills itself. Well, that was pointless.
And blocked! Turns out I already reviewed them.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5935933/1/Why_Pikachu
[Well, this is just a short little Oneshot I came up with while riding the bus today while suddenly thinking of two things. 1) Why do Jesse and James of Team Rocket only seem to go for one Pikachu? And 2) Is it just me or is the Pikachu on the anime unusally strong? (Seriously, who hasn't noticed that Pikachu can do one Thunderbolt and suddenly two human beings and their Pokemon are knocked into the sky miles away? And the thing takes down some really strong Pokemon, there is something not normal about Ash's Pikachu.) And so I came up with this idea, my insane theory of what happens when I combine genetic engineering with Pokemon. And please don't flame me for this idea, it was just me poking some fun with an idea why Giovanni (who wasn't an idiot) would want a simple Pikachu when they're not crazy-rare Pokemon.]
I suppose it's inevitable as time goes on that more and more fans will appear who never saw the early episodes.
That said, it's covered in their introductory episode. Ash super-charged Pikachu by using the ruins of Misty's bike which had a light attached to it, allowing it to manage its initial blast despite being quite low level back then. J&J, not quite getting this, declare that Pikachu's power was way more than a normal pikachu of that level. The end.
Also covered is that Giovanni never gave a damn. They decided that they should catch the thing.
Also, you wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[a big secretive research company was seeing if they could genetically mutate Pokémon to make them better, faster, stronger…you get the idea. ]
Largely because it's been done to death already.
[So they decided to test it on a Pikachu because they were easy to find.]
...right. That'd be why they're rare in appearance in almost every game.
[So they got a Pikachu and ]
SCIENCE DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY.
[So they began adding genes to it like the gene from Ninetales that gives it human intelligence or the gene that , just little things that slowly began to add over time when this Pikachu had offspring, and then that one did. ]
GENETIC ENGINEERING DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY.
[The scientists figured out however, that in a way the Pokémon was cursed (in a sense) also, for they had forgotten that putting together the genes of so many different Pokémon also makes the Pokémon unable to evolve. ]
Because it makes so much sense that combining a pokemon that evolves with other pokemon that evolve would result in a pokemon that can't evolve. Especially since it's not like we already have a canon pokemon with weird DNA that's characterized by multiple evolutions rather than none or anything.
Also, it's kind of a plot point that Pikachu doesn't want to evolve, which would make no sense if it couldn't.
On top of all that this is completely random. Pikachu can't evolve without a stone, so there's no need to make up an explanation "fixing" the fact it hasn't evolved yet.
[And because the Pikachu was so intelligent, it frequently would see itself as equal to the humans and would only respect you if you respected it. ]
Because that's definitely not a common trait seen by many pokemon across the entire history of the franchise! No, Pikachu is unique and totally needed a made up sue background to explain why it's like that!
[scientists grew worried and shipped the Pikachu off to Professor Oak, calling it a "gift" and burned any of their research so Team Rocket wouldn't get their hands on it ]
So basically, Oak is a total asshole, or possibly he was trying to get Ash killed.
[that Pikachu was found by a young teenager named Ash ]
TEN YEAR OLDS ARE NOT TEENAGERS.
[Because of this, Giovanni sent out two grunts of Team Rocket named Jesse and James to capture it ]
NO HE DID NOT.
[The two have yet to truly be succesful with this mission and its been many, many years since they first got their mission. Giovanni cannot do anything about it though because if he gets anyone of higher power to capture a Pikachu, his team will grow wary and might realize the Pokemon's importance. And if that happens, they could capture it discreetly and keep it for themself, possibly unseating Giovanni from his illegal throne of Team Rocket! ]
HE HAD FUCKING MEWTWO.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2010-05-01 05:57 am (UTC)Why the bizarre portmanteau? You already end up saying "Kanto and Johto", you could have just said that and been done with it."
Considering he only uses it twice, it is rather odd. The strangeness of the portmanteau itself is somewhat canon, though, as seen in Tohjo Falls.
no subject
Date: 2010-05-01 12:43 pm (UTC)I don't think it's impossible that they would have a single name for the combined landmass of the two regions and 'Tohjo', because of the fact that the 'Falls straddle them, is as good a choice as any. If he plans to use it regularly then I can understand why he'd want to establish in the first use that it is both Kanto and Johto and not just, y'know, a new region or something; I don't know how many people would remember the name of the 'Falls offhand. Kind of like how in a research paper you'd refer to an abbreviation by both its abbreviation and its full name the first time you refer to it at all, just to establish precedence.
no subject
Date: 2010-05-01 04:53 pm (UTC)More that the name itself seems weird in a way it doesn't for a landmark. Well, that and there's no sign of any unified government and the two areas seem to be operating independently, yet there's this sign that they've casually ignoring their individual sovereignty without any corresponding explanation for what the combined government would be.
no subject
Date: 2010-05-01 04:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-01 07:02 am (UTC)I'm sure I've seen worse uses of first person perspective than this, but I can't think of any off the top of my head. It just makes me think of that one SNL skit. "Now I'm dead!" "That's a typical day for you? You cut your balls off and die?" "Damn straight!"
no subject
Date: 2010-05-01 09:14 pm (UTC)And it came to pass that night, that the angel of the LORD went out, and smote in the camp of the Assyrians an hundred fourscore and five thousand: and when they arose early in the morning, behold, they were all dead corpses.
THEY ARE A MODERN DAY LITERARY MASTER.
no subject
Date: 2010-05-01 09:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-01 09:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-01 09:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-01 08:09 pm (UTC)Also, this is overwrought. Your writing is basically decent, but you're trying to hard and it just backfires.
I think next time if you see description like that, go PURPLE ALERT!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hBKc7fmf5ro
Curious, what program you use for those messages you put at the end of your posts (like the fifth circle one from the last review post)? GIMP? And to just let you know, I enjoyed them. :3
no subject
Date: 2010-05-01 09:15 pm (UTC)