The Tale of Archane, Called Shots
Dec. 3rd, 2010 11:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://archiveofourown.org/works/97307?view_full_work=true
The Tale of Archane
I like imagery, but it's confusing. You have very vivid bursts of description, but they're like strobe light flashes, I found it hard connecting them together. It feels like you already know the story well enough that you're not putting in enough explanation. Having John think more about what he's intending would have helped - for example, at the start when he's trying to open one of the cocoons, is he trying to rescue the person inside or just to find out who it is she's killed? Or does he not even know what's inside at that point and he's just trying to find out? Then you have him thinking about his Plan B without what that is explained, and being able to get out of the cocoon somehow, and so on. None of these feel like plot holes, there's plenty of room for an explanation, but there just isn't one, and it makes following the story exhausting. The plot concept is a good one - Rose getting pushed just slightly over that edge works- and the action is good, but they're just too stark, they could use more connecting them together and explaining what's going on.
It also felt slightly OOC to have John avoiding swearing, especially since your author's note says this is supposed to take place with them several years older. Also, while for the most part your grammar is good, your dialogue punctuation often wrong. If it's linked to a speak verb (ie, said/shouted/whispered) in the narration, you use a comma to connect the narration and dialogue, if it's not (smiled/shrugged/laughed) then you use a period.
http://archiveofourown.org/works/106668
Called Shots
mischevious Spellcheck, always always spellcheck.
I'm not sure what it is about this, but I liked it. You construct the scene really well, working in lots of little details that keep it from just being a dialogue based fic, and there's something cool about this lower-key, less mass murdery version of the Midnight Crew and Snowman, they're not really the same but more like echoes of familiar characters. And it's cute to see Droog and Snowman, since it's usually Slick.
More froggle. You will love my froggle, you have no choice.
It occurs to me that there may be a minor flaw with the idea of doing this on AooO, namely the archive's going to break when Yuletide goes live, if not before.
The Tale of Archane
I like imagery, but it's confusing. You have very vivid bursts of description, but they're like strobe light flashes, I found it hard connecting them together. It feels like you already know the story well enough that you're not putting in enough explanation. Having John think more about what he's intending would have helped - for example, at the start when he's trying to open one of the cocoons, is he trying to rescue the person inside or just to find out who it is she's killed? Or does he not even know what's inside at that point and he's just trying to find out? Then you have him thinking about his Plan B without what that is explained, and being able to get out of the cocoon somehow, and so on. None of these feel like plot holes, there's plenty of room for an explanation, but there just isn't one, and it makes following the story exhausting. The plot concept is a good one - Rose getting pushed just slightly over that edge works- and the action is good, but they're just too stark, they could use more connecting them together and explaining what's going on.
It also felt slightly OOC to have John avoiding swearing, especially since your author's note says this is supposed to take place with them several years older. Also, while for the most part your grammar is good, your dialogue punctuation often wrong. If it's linked to a speak verb (ie, said/shouted/whispered) in the narration, you use a comma to connect the narration and dialogue, if it's not (smiled/shrugged/laughed) then you use a period.
http://archiveofourown.org/works/106668
Called Shots
mischevious Spellcheck, always always spellcheck.
I'm not sure what it is about this, but I liked it. You construct the scene really well, working in lots of little details that keep it from just being a dialogue based fic, and there's something cool about this lower-key, less mass murdery version of the Midnight Crew and Snowman, they're not really the same but more like echoes of familiar characters. And it's cute to see Droog and Snowman, since it's usually Slick.
More froggle. You will love my froggle, you have no choice.
It occurs to me that there may be a minor flaw with the idea of doing this on AooO, namely the archive's going to break when Yuletide goes live, if not before.
