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farlaForgot to do this yesterday. Really should do more to make up for that.
http://archiveofourown.org/works/107864
An Incident at the Smoky Bar
Midnight Crew fic! You do a nice job of portraying them as dangerous mobsters, and your explanation for what was going on with Snowman is pretty good, not so antagonistic that wouldn't make sense they could work together before this but not so friendly as to contradict what later happened. And the lurking Felt...that's what you get when there's four of you and fifteen of them. I like the idea of her cigarette holder originally being a gift as well, although it seems shaky canon-wise.
Your prose is okay, but you underuse said, it's a nice neutral word while a lot of its replacements stand out or don't quite fit.
He slipped the Ace of Spades from his coat pocket, brandishing the cast iron horse hitcher at her menacingly. "I can't kill you, but you had better come up with a good reason for me not to put you on a fucking stretcher."
"Tut, tut, Mister Slick," a smooth voice replied from behind him.
for example, replied isn't the right word for that.
You do a good job using non-speech verbs to break up the dialogue as well, but when you use those you shouldn't use commas at the end of the dialogue the way you would with a speech verb.
Spades spit Spat, this whole thing's in past tense.
http://archiveofourown.org/works/107953
from ashes
Extremely pretty and poetic, although to the point it swallows up much of the story.
http://archiveofourown.org/works/108271
Four Songs
Lovely little ficlets. You do a good job at making each one complete, a lot of these are intriguing but feel like they're not a full narrative, but you've managed to do that despite the short length of each of them. I like the third and fourth best - the idea of an ancient temple with smuppets is darkly glorious, while the Felt one really gives a sense of the weirdness of people like Scratch and how strange it must be for the rest to be working there.
http://archiveofourown.org/works/108587
Birth
I like your idea here, and you do a good job with the details, you paint a very clear picture and don't rush over things to get to the main point. I was surprised it didn't end with Karkat discovering his own origin, it's refreshing to see him still have to keep going after that, dealing with the other problems and then ending instead with his decision. After everything, wanting to break the game makes sense.
That said, I think you could have done more with the romances. Both Vriska/Tavros and Aradia/Equius are flipflopping relationships between matespritship and kismesistude, and there are a lot of other unstable relationships among the group. Addressing how that affected the resulting kids (in the same circular way as with Kanaya's numerous auspitice relationships resulting in her own auspitice tendencies, like Eridan's attempts to move from pale to flushed because he's the result of a similar unbalanced relationship? Or working out differently?) would have been interesting.
http://archiveofourown.org/works/107864
An Incident at the Smoky Bar
Midnight Crew fic! You do a nice job of portraying them as dangerous mobsters, and your explanation for what was going on with Snowman is pretty good, not so antagonistic that wouldn't make sense they could work together before this but not so friendly as to contradict what later happened. And the lurking Felt...that's what you get when there's four of you and fifteen of them. I like the idea of her cigarette holder originally being a gift as well, although it seems shaky canon-wise.
Your prose is okay, but you underuse said, it's a nice neutral word while a lot of its replacements stand out or don't quite fit.
He slipped the Ace of Spades from his coat pocket, brandishing the cast iron horse hitcher at her menacingly. "I can't kill you, but you had better come up with a good reason for me not to put you on a fucking stretcher."
"Tut, tut, Mister Slick," a smooth voice replied from behind him.
for example, replied isn't the right word for that.
You do a good job using non-speech verbs to break up the dialogue as well, but when you use those you shouldn't use commas at the end of the dialogue the way you would with a speech verb.
Spades spit Spat, this whole thing's in past tense.
http://archiveofourown.org/works/107953
from ashes
Extremely pretty and poetic, although to the point it swallows up much of the story.
http://archiveofourown.org/works/108271
Four Songs
Lovely little ficlets. You do a good job at making each one complete, a lot of these are intriguing but feel like they're not a full narrative, but you've managed to do that despite the short length of each of them. I like the third and fourth best - the idea of an ancient temple with smuppets is darkly glorious, while the Felt one really gives a sense of the weirdness of people like Scratch and how strange it must be for the rest to be working there.
http://archiveofourown.org/works/108587
Birth
I like your idea here, and you do a good job with the details, you paint a very clear picture and don't rush over things to get to the main point. I was surprised it didn't end with Karkat discovering his own origin, it's refreshing to see him still have to keep going after that, dealing with the other problems and then ending instead with his decision. After everything, wanting to break the game makes sense.
That said, I think you could have done more with the romances. Both Vriska/Tavros and Aradia/Equius are flipflopping relationships between matespritship and kismesistude, and there are a lot of other unstable relationships among the group. Addressing how that affected the resulting kids (in the same circular way as with Kanaya's numerous auspitice relationships resulting in her own auspitice tendencies, like Eridan's attempts to move from pale to flushed because he's the result of a similar unbalanced relationship? Or working out differently?) would have been interesting.
