NaRe11, Day Two
Jan. 2nd, 2011 11:37 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/6614306/1/Inside_Out_and_Upside_Down
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
When used in place of a name, it's written Dad, not dad. It's only in constructions like my/her/the dad that it's written as such.
Anyway, this is basically original fiction.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6614395/1/Betray_My_New_Partner_to_Protect_My_Old_Friend
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Do not use " for thoughts. Ever. It just looks like your character is talking to themself.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6614420/1/Pokemon_Mystery_Dungeon_Halo_Wings
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6614809/1/Christmas_Dreams
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
["Don't see how this helps," Meowth grumbled, rubbing his frozen paws together a few times before digging in the snow again and scooping some up in order to paste it over a hole. "We're in an igloo... how warm can it get?" ]
Uh, pretty warm, comparatively? Haven't you ever been out in the cold? It's a lot warmer just in a windbreak, and if you can get somewhere actually enclosed the temperatures can get up even higher. The real issue is if they actually make it airtight, especially if they're also trying to build a fire, they'll suffocate. A fire isn't the brightest idea, anyway - you want to let the temperature get to a certain point and stabilize. It's impossible to get it any higher, because the ice starts melting and absorbing the heat - and getting wet's more dangerous than just cold. But then, you also don't want it anywhere near as big as yours seems to be.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, not mom. It's only in constructions like my/her/the mom that it's written as such.
Anyway, plotwise this is cuteish, I suppose, but pretty much how it often goes with these characters.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6614817/1/Resurrection
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
It's "sneasel".
This is tiresome and dull. It's just a standard high school setting, but using pokemon names. And it's still tiresome and dull even if you've got murder, because if I want to read generic high school story with murder #413 I can go read actual books.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6614923/1/What_Happened_To_Silver
[further && entering]
You have these weird && throughout. Not sure if they're a formatting error, but proofreading would have caught it even still.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
["I wasn't planning on receiving it, I came to take it by force." ]
What sort of moron tells a stranger they're planning on robbery?
[Silvers arms ]
Silver's.
And if Elm really does hand them out to any kid who wanders by, why does Silver intend to steal it? This seems like the sort of thing that should be about as well known as that he has pokemon, and Silver knows that much. Plus, if Elm doesn't care, why would he get upset over the theft? That's like calling the police because someone barged in and stole a handful of the free candy by the desk - weird, but you're not going to make a big deal about it.
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6615195/1/Maggie_Surfer_Coordinator_Legend_In_The_Making
[I woke up late.
The day I turned ten, the single most important day of my life, I woke up late. How pathetic is that?]
Oh for fuck's sake.
Waking up is not interesting. Waking up late is not interesting. If you're going to have a character do this, at least have them thinking it after they're already out the door.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Also, this is far too short for a first chapter. You have things happening, at least, but nothing that actually connects to the plot, and you cut off mid-scene.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6615418/1/Stranger_Than_Fiction_Book_One
These are against the rules, you know. I'm a bit sympathetic to wanting the starting date, but you should have posted whatever you have of the fic, not a character list.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6615438/1/hopelessly_in_love
[Yeah, another drabble... Anyways, this was meant to be about Lyra liking Gold but he likes Crystal... But I didn't use names so it could be any love triangle. Anyways, I really like this one, so I hope you like it, too! ]
Words have meanings. In the case of drabble, that meaning is a fic exactly a hundred words long. Furthermore, if your fanfic would be about any characters, it's not pokemon fanfic, it's generic.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6615529/1/THe_Shinto_Region_A_new_champion_in_the_family
Capitalize your title properly.
There are four thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are three hundred "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost five hundred with "legend". There are over eight hundred with "journey", seven hundred and fifty with "story", two hundred with "quest", and nine hundred and fifty with "adventure". "Kanto" and "Sinnoh" shows up two hundred times, with "Johto" and "Hoenn" around one hundred and fifty. "Saga", "region" and "champion" come in at around a hundred. What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
[It's something you dream about when you're a kid. You count the days, the months, the years even. It's the highlight of any young person's life. It's what separates the children from the "adults." It's the choice you make before you really even start your life. ]
It's taking far too long to get to the point.
Write out numbers with letters.
[I live in the Shinto region. This region is a little different from the other four regions. Shinto was founded by my father and his childhood friend Professor Gary Oak. This beautiful region is their brain child. It is a veritable utopia for Pokemon and their trainers/coordinators. There are 8 gyms, and contests held in most towns regularly. Pokemon here can be found from the other four regions. They are all here unlike the other regions, like how you can't find many Pokemon in Hoen that are the same as the ones found in Johto.]
For starters, infodump. Those are bad.
Next, wtf? Look, as awesome as Gary is, and as ridiculously plot-powerful as Ash is, I think even they wouldn't be able to alter reality so their perfect mary sue region had all the pokemon of all other areas, as that's part of a place's basic ecosystem.
Also? Utopias kind of suck for writing, being boring as all fuck.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
["So now I need an excuse to wake my son up for his sixteenth birthday?"]
Speaking of utopian reasoning, why would a utopia have a way higher age for trainers if kids from all the non-utopian areas manage at ten?
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[In Shinto there aren't the standard three starters. The new trainer has a choice between one Pokemon of each type. ]
He's going to get a dragon, dark type or pikachu, let me guess.
Pokeball, one word.
You really should use said more. Said is invisible. You should only use other words occasionally, when you mean to draw attention to how it's being said.
[Gary proceeded releasing Pokemon. Logan didn't choose the Mareep or the Machop. He showed no interest in the Magby, Starly, or Seedot. The Duskull, Swinub, Budew, and Poliwag were also left unchosen. The Beldum and Aron didn't approve of Logan and fell asleep. Logan was left choosing between Trapinch and Larvitar.]
...seedot and budew are both grass types. Beldum and aron are both part steel, trapinch and larvitar are both part ground, and aron and lavitar are both part rock. How exactly is this "one of each type"?
["One more left," said Gary as he threw the last poke ball. The blue serpentine body of a Dratini came from this poke ball. ]
How completely unexpected and also not at all sueish.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6615574/1/Revenge_and_Nightmares
[No, what Darkrai despised was the woman.]
This isn't going anywhere good, is it?
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
["... I don't know if I like me being with her either, Darkrai. I used to be so happy, but now she's going nuts]
Right. If the girl you're in love with is having nightmares and crying, it's time to make it all about you.
["I don't think we should be together anymore," Lucas said calmly. His expression was completely blank. There was no trace of regret, remorse, or sadness in his eyes.
"L-Lucas? Oh God, this is a dream. Th-this is another one of those horrible nightmares..."
"Dawn, I'm leaving you. Whether you choose to accept this or not, I am breaking off all romantic relations with you."]
So is Lucas meant to be coming off as the biggest asshole in this?
[Dawn-bashing is fun. ]
What?
[I guess technically it would take more time for a human being to go that insane ]
Okay, are you seriously saying Dawn's insane? Because she's upset her boyfriend just dumped her like that? And apparently she deserves it for being sexually interested in her boyfriend, because that's a horrible crime?
Go fuck yourself. This is disgusting.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6615581/1/Pecha_Berry
I got as far as the wall of text listing characters, the realization you were using Japanese pokemon names, and the Japanese "honorifics", ie, actual words for family members that we already have in English, you decided your fanfic desperately needed, and realized that no, I don't need to wade through the fangirl Japanese of your actual story too.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6615671/1/Suspicions_101
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Don't use stated.
You really should use said more. Said is invisible. You should only use other words occasionally, when you mean to draw attention to how it's being said.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6615764/1/squares_arent_circles
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Anyway. This is rushed and doesn't feel like it has much to do with pokemon or the characters involved.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6615856/1/Never_Grow_Up
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
This is pretty much original fic and should be over on fictionpress.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6615889/1/The_Water_Lily
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
A lot of what you've written isn't important. There's no need for the conversation with her sisters, rehashing stuff that's old news, and stuff like
[Ever since she returned from her travels with Ash in Johto, almost seven years ago, she found herself swamped with Gym Leader duties. With her sisters' notorious giving away of badges, she spent the last couple years tracking down each of those trainers who were just handed a badge with no battle and battled them herself so the Gym could get a better standing in the League's eyes. ]
It doesn't even make much sense - if she wins, does she take the badge back? Because then any gym leader could pull this. And it's not important to the story that she did. If the gym's reputation really bugs you, a simple reference to her being busy because she's doing all the fighting herself would cover it, you don't need to dredge up things that annoyed you from the show and try to fix them.
[She was holding an egg. ]
Here's the thing - this is the first actual bit of plot. I'll give you the opening scene where it's swept overboard, but everything between then and here is filler. This is where the story starts, which is why it's insane to use it to end the chapter. You presumably have some sort of actual plot, so it'd be nice to see some sign of it here.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6615998/1/The_Tempest
Your capitalization is a mess. Get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6616078/1/Pokemon_Ranger_Ruins_of_Techa
[*FLASHBACK*]
Don't do this.
[AT IRON CITY]
Don't do this either. Learn how to write actual scene transitions.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6616123/1/Dear_Diary
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[I've seen my sisters (on their periods) ]
I really wish this whole "joke" could be taken out back and shot.
You do a good job with the narration of this - diary-style stories are usually incredibly boring, but this is written well. Shame about the content.
[I have long held the suspicion that James was not completely straight.]
a) Dressing like a girl and being gay are two separate things.
b) Could this joke be any more tired? Fuck, you could at least mix things up a little and have someone saying this shit about Jesse for always wearing male outfits. It'd still be a bunch of homophobic bullshit, but at least it'd show some sign of actual thinking on your part.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6616151/1/Madcap_Mayhem
Eh, it's been done.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6616848/1/The_Birds_and_the_Beedrill
[Author's note: So I have no idea why I wrote this story. I read over it again and it was so stupid. Ah well hope you enjoy it. Please R&R!]
If you think it sucks, don't post it. This is not hard.
[It was Mrs. Ketchum's favorite time of the year, Christmas. ]
Jesus fucking christ will people never stop with the Christmas fic? It's boring. Just accept this.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Anyway, mildly amusing ending but it took too long to get there. Yes, I realize how short the fic already is, it still didn't need the filler.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6617091/1/A_Special_New_Years_Kiss
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Anyway, this is original fiction that happens to have characters sharing names with pokemon characters. Should be on fictionpress.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6617127/1/Vacation_on_Monster_Mountain
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Ugh, endless pointless babble. If something isn't important to your story, delete it.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6617518/1/When_the_world_dies
Capitalize your title properly.
[Slowly, the population id decreasing. Both people and pokemon are dying from hunger and some of the pokemon are starting to get desprate. ]
Spellcheck.
Also, if there's no food, the population isn't going to be decreasing "slowly". And why would only the pokemon be getting desperate?
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6617656/1/Arrow_of_Destiny
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
["But you are darker coloured which will aid you in hiding and ambushing."
I frowned and glanced down at myself, stretching out my right wing. Unlike other Pidgey who had tan and brown feathers I had duskier feathers, as if I were permanently cast in shadow with grey under wings, belly and eye feathers.]
Natural selection doesn't work like that. If a darker color is the optimum, that'd be how all of them looked. It's extremely unlikely a random new mutation would produce better coloration for a given pidgey when they've had who-knows-how-long to adapt to their environment already.
This is different than a lot of the other fic I've seen, but it's pretty slow and meh. Not much is happening, and him learning to fall isn't really that engaging.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6617729/1/Broken_Hearts_Can_Heal
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Pokeball, one word.
[(A/N: I love that Pokémon.) ]
NO ONE CARES. Don't put an author note in the middle of your story.
[before replying uneasily
before saying
before saying
before Chuck asked,
before asking
before asking
before saying
before saying
before saying
before saying
before saying,
before yelling ]
This is ridiculous. Stop using the same phrasing over and over again.
Well, that was rather plotless. A thing happens, and then another thing happens undoing it, and then it's happily ever after.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6617859/1/STARS_THROUGH_THE_SKIES
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6617896/1/Pokemon_Wait_WHAT
Write out numbers with letters.
No one ever needs to know any character's exact height in inches. "Tall" or "short" will do.
[Takuya was walking through the park as usual, passing by the small fountain in the center, when he heard a rustle in the bushes to his left. He turned his head to look, but saw nothing out of the ordinary. But for some odd reason, he was compelled to go and investigate. It was like a tiny voice in his head going, Go check it out! Go check it out! Go check it out NOW.]
Just say he heard something. Jesus, it's not hard.
[A small creature, sitting and cradling its right arm. Its body was white, and looked as though it was wearing a dress. Green hair that at first glance looked like some sort of helmet, parted in the middle by what looked like a big pinkish-red bow placed with the pointy bits straight, instead of sideways as was usual, and wedged firmly into its head, so that it looked like some sort of horn. Its face was almost completely covered by its dome–like hair. ]
Ugh. Just say it's a ralts. Your description is far too long and detailed, all it does is make it hard to picture what you're talking about.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Suddenly, the Ralts stirred. A low groan of pain came out of its mouth.
Takuya blinked.
Nope, it's real alright, he thought. Unless they've started making live robots…]
Uh, yes, by definition a robot would be able to move. And there's certainly no lack of robot toys these days, so this whole chain of thought doesn't make any sense.
[Then he noticed that the Ralts was badly injured. Cuts, scratches and bruises covered its body from head to toe. The worst injury was a gash that ran almost the full length of its right arm.]
How do you not notice that immediately? Wouldn't "it's bleeding" be a bit more of a tip off it's alive than that it makes a sound?
[The Ralts suddenly started shaking violently, shivering as though it was cold, and its body was very hot. It had a fever. ]
Why would it only start shivering when he picked it up then? The whole point of fever shivering it it's involuntary and continual.
[He bandaged her up and took her temperature. 78oC. ]
That's ridiculous.
[He gave her some painkillers and fever medicine anyway. ]
He's a moron and I hope you don't have any pets. You don't stuff medication down some unknown creature's throat. If it's shivering, warm it up. Also, go find someone else and tell them in the hope maybe they'll actually know what they're doing.
[After a while, the violent shivering stopped, and the Ralts began to breathe normally. Her temperature had gone down, too - 37oC. Was that normal for a Pokémon? ]
Nope! That's way too big of a temperature range to be survivable. A human's temperature getting from 37 to 41 is the point brain damage starts. And going below 35 causes hypothermia and death. Even assuming pokemon are vastly more resilient than humans, there's no way fever could be 40 degrees above normal temperatures, so when its temperature dropped, it must have plummeted past proper homeostasis by a mile. Sounds like its system is shutting down shortly before it dies.
It's like you doing some sort of basic research might have been a good idea.
[He looked in the fridge until e found an apple, grapes and berries. Studying them for a moment, he shrugged, and decided that it was okay; after all, it was fruit. He blended it into a paste, poured some into a small bowl and took it to his bedroom. ]
Yes. Because all animals eat fruit. And all fruits are exactly the same. Forget having a pet, I hope you've never been in the same room as an animal unsupervised.
[Takuya sat down next to the bed and started to feed the Ralts the pureed fruit. He did this by nudging her mouth with a spoonful, coaxing her to open it, and tipping it bit by bit into her mouth. He had to raise her head to feed her properly, propping up the pillow to act as a support so that he could hold the bowl in one hand and feed her with the other.
It was by no means a small bowl, but the Ralts must have been really hungry, because she finished all of it.]
No it didn't. If you're pouring food down an animal's throat and stopping when you run out, that's not the same thing as it wanting food and eating the whole thing. And if you're pouring food down its throat, there's no reason to think you fed it the right stuff, because it's obviously too sick to object to anything at that point.
In theory, I suppose this could be the character intended to come off as a moron, but given the fever temperature I doubt it.
Current review count: 1466
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
When used in place of a name, it's written Dad, not dad. It's only in constructions like my/her/the dad that it's written as such.
Anyway, this is basically original fiction.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6614395/1/Betray_My_New_Partner_to_Protect_My_Old_Friend
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Do not use " for thoughts. Ever. It just looks like your character is talking to themself.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6614420/1/Pokemon_Mystery_Dungeon_Halo_Wings
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6614809/1/Christmas_Dreams
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
["Don't see how this helps," Meowth grumbled, rubbing his frozen paws together a few times before digging in the snow again and scooping some up in order to paste it over a hole. "We're in an igloo... how warm can it get?" ]
Uh, pretty warm, comparatively? Haven't you ever been out in the cold? It's a lot warmer just in a windbreak, and if you can get somewhere actually enclosed the temperatures can get up even higher. The real issue is if they actually make it airtight, especially if they're also trying to build a fire, they'll suffocate. A fire isn't the brightest idea, anyway - you want to let the temperature get to a certain point and stabilize. It's impossible to get it any higher, because the ice starts melting and absorbing the heat - and getting wet's more dangerous than just cold. But then, you also don't want it anywhere near as big as yours seems to be.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, not mom. It's only in constructions like my/her/the mom that it's written as such.
Anyway, plotwise this is cuteish, I suppose, but pretty much how it often goes with these characters.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6614817/1/Resurrection
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
It's "sneasel".
This is tiresome and dull. It's just a standard high school setting, but using pokemon names. And it's still tiresome and dull even if you've got murder, because if I want to read generic high school story with murder #413 I can go read actual books.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6614923/1/What_Happened_To_Silver
[further && entering]
You have these weird && throughout. Not sure if they're a formatting error, but proofreading would have caught it even still.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
["I wasn't planning on receiving it, I came to take it by force." ]
What sort of moron tells a stranger they're planning on robbery?
[Silvers arms ]
Silver's.
And if Elm really does hand them out to any kid who wanders by, why does Silver intend to steal it? This seems like the sort of thing that should be about as well known as that he has pokemon, and Silver knows that much. Plus, if Elm doesn't care, why would he get upset over the theft? That's like calling the police because someone barged in and stole a handful of the free candy by the desk - weird, but you're not going to make a big deal about it.
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6615195/1/Maggie_Surfer_Coordinator_Legend_In_The_Making
[I woke up late.
The day I turned ten, the single most important day of my life, I woke up late. How pathetic is that?]
Oh for fuck's sake.
Waking up is not interesting. Waking up late is not interesting. If you're going to have a character do this, at least have them thinking it after they're already out the door.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Also, this is far too short for a first chapter. You have things happening, at least, but nothing that actually connects to the plot, and you cut off mid-scene.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6615418/1/Stranger_Than_Fiction_Book_One
These are against the rules, you know. I'm a bit sympathetic to wanting the starting date, but you should have posted whatever you have of the fic, not a character list.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6615438/1/hopelessly_in_love
[Yeah, another drabble... Anyways, this was meant to be about Lyra liking Gold but he likes Crystal... But I didn't use names so it could be any love triangle. Anyways, I really like this one, so I hope you like it, too! ]
Words have meanings. In the case of drabble, that meaning is a fic exactly a hundred words long. Furthermore, if your fanfic would be about any characters, it's not pokemon fanfic, it's generic.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6615529/1/THe_Shinto_Region_A_new_champion_in_the_family
Capitalize your title properly.
There are four thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are three hundred "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost five hundred with "legend". There are over eight hundred with "journey", seven hundred and fifty with "story", two hundred with "quest", and nine hundred and fifty with "adventure". "Kanto" and "Sinnoh" shows up two hundred times, with "Johto" and "Hoenn" around one hundred and fifty. "Saga", "region" and "champion" come in at around a hundred. What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
[It's something you dream about when you're a kid. You count the days, the months, the years even. It's the highlight of any young person's life. It's what separates the children from the "adults." It's the choice you make before you really even start your life. ]
It's taking far too long to get to the point.
Write out numbers with letters.
[I live in the Shinto region. This region is a little different from the other four regions. Shinto was founded by my father and his childhood friend Professor Gary Oak. This beautiful region is their brain child. It is a veritable utopia for Pokemon and their trainers/coordinators. There are 8 gyms, and contests held in most towns regularly. Pokemon here can be found from the other four regions. They are all here unlike the other regions, like how you can't find many Pokemon in Hoen that are the same as the ones found in Johto.]
For starters, infodump. Those are bad.
Next, wtf? Look, as awesome as Gary is, and as ridiculously plot-powerful as Ash is, I think even they wouldn't be able to alter reality so their perfect mary sue region had all the pokemon of all other areas, as that's part of a place's basic ecosystem.
Also? Utopias kind of suck for writing, being boring as all fuck.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
["So now I need an excuse to wake my son up for his sixteenth birthday?"]
Speaking of utopian reasoning, why would a utopia have a way higher age for trainers if kids from all the non-utopian areas manage at ten?
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[In Shinto there aren't the standard three starters. The new trainer has a choice between one Pokemon of each type. ]
He's going to get a dragon, dark type or pikachu, let me guess.
Pokeball, one word.
You really should use said more. Said is invisible. You should only use other words occasionally, when you mean to draw attention to how it's being said.
[Gary proceeded releasing Pokemon. Logan didn't choose the Mareep or the Machop. He showed no interest in the Magby, Starly, or Seedot. The Duskull, Swinub, Budew, and Poliwag were also left unchosen. The Beldum and Aron didn't approve of Logan and fell asleep. Logan was left choosing between Trapinch and Larvitar.]
...seedot and budew are both grass types. Beldum and aron are both part steel, trapinch and larvitar are both part ground, and aron and lavitar are both part rock. How exactly is this "one of each type"?
["One more left," said Gary as he threw the last poke ball. The blue serpentine body of a Dratini came from this poke ball. ]
How completely unexpected and also not at all sueish.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6615574/1/Revenge_and_Nightmares
[No, what Darkrai despised was the woman.]
This isn't going anywhere good, is it?
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
["... I don't know if I like me being with her either, Darkrai. I used to be so happy, but now she's going nuts]
Right. If the girl you're in love with is having nightmares and crying, it's time to make it all about you.
["I don't think we should be together anymore," Lucas said calmly. His expression was completely blank. There was no trace of regret, remorse, or sadness in his eyes.
"L-Lucas? Oh God, this is a dream. Th-this is another one of those horrible nightmares..."
"Dawn, I'm leaving you. Whether you choose to accept this or not, I am breaking off all romantic relations with you."]
So is Lucas meant to be coming off as the biggest asshole in this?
[Dawn-bashing is fun. ]
What?
[I guess technically it would take more time for a human being to go that insane ]
Okay, are you seriously saying Dawn's insane? Because she's upset her boyfriend just dumped her like that? And apparently she deserves it for being sexually interested in her boyfriend, because that's a horrible crime?
Go fuck yourself. This is disgusting.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6615581/1/Pecha_Berry
I got as far as the wall of text listing characters, the realization you were using Japanese pokemon names, and the Japanese "honorifics", ie, actual words for family members that we already have in English, you decided your fanfic desperately needed, and realized that no, I don't need to wade through the fangirl Japanese of your actual story too.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6615671/1/Suspicions_101
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Don't use stated.
You really should use said more. Said is invisible. You should only use other words occasionally, when you mean to draw attention to how it's being said.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6615764/1/squares_arent_circles
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Anyway. This is rushed and doesn't feel like it has much to do with pokemon or the characters involved.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6615856/1/Never_Grow_Up
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
This is pretty much original fic and should be over on fictionpress.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6615889/1/The_Water_Lily
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
A lot of what you've written isn't important. There's no need for the conversation with her sisters, rehashing stuff that's old news, and stuff like
[Ever since she returned from her travels with Ash in Johto, almost seven years ago, she found herself swamped with Gym Leader duties. With her sisters' notorious giving away of badges, she spent the last couple years tracking down each of those trainers who were just handed a badge with no battle and battled them herself so the Gym could get a better standing in the League's eyes. ]
It doesn't even make much sense - if she wins, does she take the badge back? Because then any gym leader could pull this. And it's not important to the story that she did. If the gym's reputation really bugs you, a simple reference to her being busy because she's doing all the fighting herself would cover it, you don't need to dredge up things that annoyed you from the show and try to fix them.
[She was holding an egg. ]
Here's the thing - this is the first actual bit of plot. I'll give you the opening scene where it's swept overboard, but everything between then and here is filler. This is where the story starts, which is why it's insane to use it to end the chapter. You presumably have some sort of actual plot, so it'd be nice to see some sign of it here.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6615998/1/The_Tempest
Your capitalization is a mess. Get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6616078/1/Pokemon_Ranger_Ruins_of_Techa
[*FLASHBACK*]
Don't do this.
[AT IRON CITY]
Don't do this either. Learn how to write actual scene transitions.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6616123/1/Dear_Diary
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[I've seen my sisters (on their periods) ]
I really wish this whole "joke" could be taken out back and shot.
You do a good job with the narration of this - diary-style stories are usually incredibly boring, but this is written well. Shame about the content.
[I have long held the suspicion that James was not completely straight.]
a) Dressing like a girl and being gay are two separate things.
b) Could this joke be any more tired? Fuck, you could at least mix things up a little and have someone saying this shit about Jesse for always wearing male outfits. It'd still be a bunch of homophobic bullshit, but at least it'd show some sign of actual thinking on your part.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6616151/1/Madcap_Mayhem
Eh, it's been done.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6616848/1/The_Birds_and_the_Beedrill
[Author's note: So I have no idea why I wrote this story. I read over it again and it was so stupid. Ah well hope you enjoy it. Please R&R!]
If you think it sucks, don't post it. This is not hard.
[It was Mrs. Ketchum's favorite time of the year, Christmas. ]
Jesus fucking christ will people never stop with the Christmas fic? It's boring. Just accept this.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Anyway, mildly amusing ending but it took too long to get there. Yes, I realize how short the fic already is, it still didn't need the filler.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6617091/1/A_Special_New_Years_Kiss
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Anyway, this is original fiction that happens to have characters sharing names with pokemon characters. Should be on fictionpress.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6617127/1/Vacation_on_Monster_Mountain
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Ugh, endless pointless babble. If something isn't important to your story, delete it.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6617518/1/When_the_world_dies
Capitalize your title properly.
[Slowly, the population id decreasing. Both people and pokemon are dying from hunger and some of the pokemon are starting to get desprate. ]
Spellcheck.
Also, if there's no food, the population isn't going to be decreasing "slowly". And why would only the pokemon be getting desperate?
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6617656/1/Arrow_of_Destiny
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
["But you are darker coloured which will aid you in hiding and ambushing."
I frowned and glanced down at myself, stretching out my right wing. Unlike other Pidgey who had tan and brown feathers I had duskier feathers, as if I were permanently cast in shadow with grey under wings, belly and eye feathers.]
Natural selection doesn't work like that. If a darker color is the optimum, that'd be how all of them looked. It's extremely unlikely a random new mutation would produce better coloration for a given pidgey when they've had who-knows-how-long to adapt to their environment already.
This is different than a lot of the other fic I've seen, but it's pretty slow and meh. Not much is happening, and him learning to fall isn't really that engaging.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6617729/1/Broken_Hearts_Can_Heal
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Pokeball, one word.
[(A/N: I love that Pokémon.) ]
NO ONE CARES. Don't put an author note in the middle of your story.
[before replying uneasily
before saying
before saying
before Chuck asked,
before asking
before asking
before saying
before saying
before saying
before saying
before saying,
before yelling ]
This is ridiculous. Stop using the same phrasing over and over again.
Well, that was rather plotless. A thing happens, and then another thing happens undoing it, and then it's happily ever after.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6617859/1/STARS_THROUGH_THE_SKIES
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6617896/1/Pokemon_Wait_WHAT
Write out numbers with letters.
No one ever needs to know any character's exact height in inches. "Tall" or "short" will do.
[Takuya was walking through the park as usual, passing by the small fountain in the center, when he heard a rustle in the bushes to his left. He turned his head to look, but saw nothing out of the ordinary. But for some odd reason, he was compelled to go and investigate. It was like a tiny voice in his head going, Go check it out! Go check it out! Go check it out NOW.]
Just say he heard something. Jesus, it's not hard.
[A small creature, sitting and cradling its right arm. Its body was white, and looked as though it was wearing a dress. Green hair that at first glance looked like some sort of helmet, parted in the middle by what looked like a big pinkish-red bow placed with the pointy bits straight, instead of sideways as was usual, and wedged firmly into its head, so that it looked like some sort of horn. Its face was almost completely covered by its dome–like hair. ]
Ugh. Just say it's a ralts. Your description is far too long and detailed, all it does is make it hard to picture what you're talking about.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Suddenly, the Ralts stirred. A low groan of pain came out of its mouth.
Takuya blinked.
Nope, it's real alright, he thought. Unless they've started making live robots…]
Uh, yes, by definition a robot would be able to move. And there's certainly no lack of robot toys these days, so this whole chain of thought doesn't make any sense.
[Then he noticed that the Ralts was badly injured. Cuts, scratches and bruises covered its body from head to toe. The worst injury was a gash that ran almost the full length of its right arm.]
How do you not notice that immediately? Wouldn't "it's bleeding" be a bit more of a tip off it's alive than that it makes a sound?
[The Ralts suddenly started shaking violently, shivering as though it was cold, and its body was very hot. It had a fever. ]
Why would it only start shivering when he picked it up then? The whole point of fever shivering it it's involuntary and continual.
[He bandaged her up and took her temperature. 78oC. ]
That's ridiculous.
[He gave her some painkillers and fever medicine anyway. ]
He's a moron and I hope you don't have any pets. You don't stuff medication down some unknown creature's throat. If it's shivering, warm it up. Also, go find someone else and tell them in the hope maybe they'll actually know what they're doing.
[After a while, the violent shivering stopped, and the Ralts began to breathe normally. Her temperature had gone down, too - 37oC. Was that normal for a Pokémon? ]
Nope! That's way too big of a temperature range to be survivable. A human's temperature getting from 37 to 41 is the point brain damage starts. And going below 35 causes hypothermia and death. Even assuming pokemon are vastly more resilient than humans, there's no way fever could be 40 degrees above normal temperatures, so when its temperature dropped, it must have plummeted past proper homeostasis by a mile. Sounds like its system is shutting down shortly before it dies.
It's like you doing some sort of basic research might have been a good idea.
[He looked in the fridge until e found an apple, grapes and berries. Studying them for a moment, he shrugged, and decided that it was okay; after all, it was fruit. He blended it into a paste, poured some into a small bowl and took it to his bedroom. ]
Yes. Because all animals eat fruit. And all fruits are exactly the same. Forget having a pet, I hope you've never been in the same room as an animal unsupervised.
[Takuya sat down next to the bed and started to feed the Ralts the pureed fruit. He did this by nudging her mouth with a spoonful, coaxing her to open it, and tipping it bit by bit into her mouth. He had to raise her head to feed her properly, propping up the pillow to act as a support so that he could hold the bowl in one hand and feed her with the other.
It was by no means a small bowl, but the Ralts must have been really hungry, because she finished all of it.]
No it didn't. If you're pouring food down an animal's throat and stopping when you run out, that's not the same thing as it wanting food and eating the whole thing. And if you're pouring food down its throat, there's no reason to think you fed it the right stuff, because it's obviously too sick to object to anything at that point.
In theory, I suppose this could be the character intended to come off as a moron, but given the fever temperature I doubt it.
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no subject
Date: 2011-01-03 05:14 am (UTC)What.
Darkrai found himself a bit awestruck as well. Never before had Lucas spoken so coldly, so matter-of-fact. It reminded him strongly of his own manner of speaking, how he had spoken to the girl in her dreams.
What.
Dawn-bashing is fun.
WHAT.
It's like she's working out of Jerry Jenkins's Guide to Writing Likable Protagonists.
no subject
Date: 2011-01-03 08:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-03 05:29 am (UTC)Go fuck yourself. This is disgusting.
Haha, best comment for someone that thinks that. I'm probably a bad person for saying this, but he/she should do that, literally. >.>
no subject
Date: 2011-01-03 07:53 pm (UTC)That's a valid point, but if you did want to do it for whatever reason (special snowflakedom, most likely), you could come up with some pretty good reasons for it.
1) Pidgey aren't adapted to hiding from things with colour vision, and the taking of pidgey by trainers means that darker pidgey are more likely to stay in the wild and breed there. Consequently, they're getting steadily greyer.
2) Through a quirk of evolution, pidgey find bright colours attractive, and so their plumage has been growing ever brighter in a mating display arms race - even though they are to some disadvantage when hunting or hiding. The pidgey in question is a gloomy throwback, and while his darker feathers make him dreadfully unfashionable amongst his peers, they appeal to the cold pragmatism of our intrepid hero. The pidgey mistakes this for kindness and becomes a valuable cog in our heartless protagonists's team of fiercesome energy demons.
no subject
Date: 2011-01-03 08:19 pm (UTC)