NaRe11, Day Three
Jan. 3rd, 2011 08:03 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/6617906/1/Homo_Sapiens_are_just_Monkeys_with_bigger_Brains
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
[I blow dried my hair, combed it, and fixed my bangs. I threw on my clothes and took a quick look in my body-length mirror. I was wearing my black, off-shoulder 'I'm a friggin vampire ninja!' t-shirt over purple elbow-length fishnets. I wore black, faded, torn-up styled skinny jeans and black and white checkered high-tops. ]
This isn't important, just ridiculous.
[Maybe some French toast. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
I got my French toast and looked at my phone again. 8:01… Oh well. It's not like I'm going for a perfect attendance record so I'll just enjoy my breakfast. I got some orange juice from the fridge and chug a fourth of it down. I continued to eat my French toast and looked at my phone… again.]
It's hard to properly express how little I care about what they're eating.
[Why jump out of the window and not just go outside the door like a normal person you ask. Two reasons. One, I'm not a normal person. Two, I'm just too lazy to lock the door on my way out.
You see, I live alone in my not so good but not so bad house. My parents disowned me because I wasn't all classy like my twin sister Blue. (Yep, I made Blue, the girl from Pokémon adventures, her twin sister and a snotty princess. I don't know why but I guess I'm just weird like that.) They made me move out of the house (mansion) but they let me have this cozy home for myself. They also gave me the money to keep me in my awesome -cough- not -cough- school.]
The only thing dumber than what you actually wrote is the fact you stuck author notes in here.
...aaaaaaaand there's the fangirl Japanese, I quit.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6618066/1/Vast_White_and_Deep_Black_Reunification
[Wishing for greater cooperation, the king left the land of Unova to his two sons, wanting to avoid a power struggle between the two. ]
…WHAT? Giving two people equal control over something is pretty much the definition of causing a power struggle. Not only is this obviously stupid, but you just got done claiming this guy was an extremely good king. And while it's a stretch to think anyone would have considered plan "destroy the fucking kingdom with civil war" a good idea, it's entirely possible a king might have actually been that dumb and naive. Just not any good king.
[This peace was not to last, for in making the brothers joint rulers of the land, the late king initiated that which he had hoped to prevent: a power struggle. ]
To the surprise of no one but the king, I expect.
[The older brother sought truth and wisdom, whist the younger craved ideals and ambition. ]
How terribly balanced.
[Incensed, the younger brother drew his sword ]
I see that balance only continues.
[The dragon thrashed in pain at the intensity of the duel, its anguished roars being blasted straight to the heavens. Its agony alerted its masters, who halted their fight and watched in awe and horror as a sickening tearing ripped the massive creature straight down the middle. The two halves of the dragon each glowed a different color, white for the left half and black for the right. The brothers looked on as each half reformed into a smaller but still powerful dragon. ]
Wat.
[The left half shaped itself into a brilliant majestic creature of light, slender and angelic in appearance.]
[The right half took the form of a being sculpted by darkness, dull and unassuming, bulky and demonic.]
IT'S SO SUBTLE
...and now we've got random people babbling about stuff that sounds like it's information, but is actually just vaguely important sounding filler. Don't do that.
[Looking up from his spot at a control panel, a pale skinned man that appeared to be in his late twenties perked his head at the question. He had green eyes and long dark hair which partially covered his forehead. He wore a plain brown tweed jacket with elbow patches, a pink dress shirt, a maroon bow tie, maroon braces, a gold wrist watch, rolled up navy-blue trousers and black boots.]
[She was pale skinned with red shoulder length hair, and was wearing a red long-sleeved sweater with a black skirt. Over the sweater was a red jacket. In addition, she wore white sneakers. The woman was standing next to another man with short dirt blond hair. He wore a checkered black and white shirt with a brown vest on top. He also wore brown pants and black sneakers ]
This is infodumping. Never just list off everything you can think of about the character. Are any of these details relevant?
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
Getting really tempted to stop giving them helpful advice and submit OCs just to laugh at them fucking them up.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6618099/1/A_Pokemon_Carol
[Pokémon captured: 12
Success-to-failure ratio: 6.4
Funds used:
James stopped and looked at the separate sheet listing each expense over the course of one year and wondered how far he could get from the truth without grossly exaggerating. He tried not to exaggerate too-too much. If he had written down the truth (that he had captured zero Pokémon and his success-to-failure ratio was zero) he would be fired for sure.
James was a member of Team Rocket, and they were required to give an account of themselves each year. The deadline was approaching and he hoped to get the form done. He also hoped his boss would believe him.]
WTF. TEAM FUCKING ROCKET uses the HONOR SYSTEM? They don't keep track of actual pokemon delivered by anyone, they just ask people?
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6618309/1/Realization
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
[I guess you could say this is AU; no Pokémon in real life, no regions, just regular high school... er, yeah.]
Then it's original fiction. I don't understand what people find so hard about this concept. Go make a fictionpress account.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6618316/1/Escape
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[They hunted. They sent ahead the Pokemon, the angry, the obedient, or the plain bloodthirsty. The nice ones, or the strong minded ones who knew better, stayed back in the village. ]
This reads like you're saying the nicer pokemon stayed back at the village, which doesn't make sense. Either the pokemon are equal members of the lynch mob, in which case the humans wouldn't have authority to send them, or they're not, in which case the nicer ones couldn't choose to stay.
[Fear and sadness stuck to every building, every person, every Pokemon. Shame also radiated from a few villagers; they drank their guilt away in seemingly endless bottles of booze.
Elizabeth was unaware of the atmosphere back 'home'.]
Then don't bring it up, it's extremely awkward.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[Her sneakers dug into the slippery mud as they pushed her uphill. Her hands grabbed the wet grass and leaves as she pulled herself up the last few feet of the hill and onto even ground. ]
Why exactly is she going uphill in the first place? If you're running from people, you shouldn't be somewhere that'll slow you down and make you visible to everyone.
["GO Mikal! I'll hold them off-no!" she snapped as Mikal took a few steps towards her. "Go now! They think you're to blame-just go! They won't hurt me, just-"]
Why didn't they split up earlier?
["GO! You worthless [bleeping] [bleep]! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW! HE didn't kill anyone! I was with him when those Mareep were murdered! It WASN'T HIM YOU ASSES!" ]
That was hilarious. If you're too young to write out a swear word, you're too young to be writing this.
[They left. When the last villager was gone, Elizabeth collapsed onto the ground, sobbing. ]
So...she was actually telling the truth about them not hurting her? Then if she'd just released the houndoom earlier instead of trying to outrun arcanine and zubat herself, it'd probably be alive. Wow, I hope we get her blaming herself for being such an idiot and not just emo bitching about the evil villagers.
["Liza..." a gruff voice said. Elizabeth turned, glaring at her open door. The Pokemart owner, Sunny, was standing in the doorway, nervously clutching a hat and looking at the ground.
"What?" she snapped. How dare he? How could he be here? There was nothing she wanted to hear from him.
"More Mareep were killed, early this morning. And a Growlithe puppy. We...I'm sorry. Liza-"
"Goodbye," she replied coldly. At least Mikal's name is cleared, she thought.]
Because it must be hammered in more how INCREDIBLY UNFAIR everyone is and how she was SO RIGHT and everyone else was WRONG not to believe her.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6618348/1/Have_Nuzlocke_Will_Travel
[Yes, the rules are a bitch, but so's life. And when you write it out with a dash of creativity and imagery, it all becomes a very, very emotional story of strength, kinship, and loss, all bound together in that familiar little pocket universe owned by pokemon. ]
Except for the part where it makes no sense, and being a pokemon trainer is completely voluntary. If you did this with your average RPG, where there's some sort of important goal and your party members join you of their own free will, it's dramatic and emotional. Your personal vanity quest to become a superstar, not so much.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[From where I came from - a strew-out and dry region called "Nuzlocke" by some - pokemon and humans aren't mandatorially shoved into the typical master/pet system, namely because we fight on equal terms; on the battlefield, there was no master, nor was there a student. There weren't classes, species, genders, size, weight, abilities…just a pair of capable fighters on a field with no hold-bar. We were equal, right down to the fact that we were sent out and battled for strength and experience, not to mention the thrill and the glory that came with it. There weren't any trainers in Nuzlocke; just more fighters. ]
Your attempt at making this work is a good one, but it still doesn't work because you can't explain why it's different or how a system like that would be created. And unless these people are human in name only, fighting together is meaningless. In a couple levels, pokemon get the ability to shoot energy beams and cause earthquakes, humans can't remain equal anything under the circumstances.
[The entire place was like one pokemon-centric version of the Australian outback; everyone was tough because only the tough could make it, and pokemon battling hardened the soul and mind like steel on a forge, if it didn't break you entirely. Pokemon fighting had made up my entire life back home. It was always wake up, shove something into my face in time to meet the others up for training, fight a few pokemon and maybe wrestle someone I'd been meaning to, nurse any consequential injuries that had been accumulated therein, walk and/or limp home as the situation required, shove more food into the ol' face-hole, and pass out on a soft surface that, if I was lucky, was my bed. Every day was spent hardening my body and soul, and it had made me strong - judging by the power you can watch rippling along my skin with every movement I make, you could guess I had a pretty active life beforehand(what? So I look in the mirror occasionally. I need to monitor my progress!). Very rough, very hard, and very fulfilling. High stakes, high return. ]
How the fuck do they get anything done? The Australian outback is tough because the environment itself is, not because people spend their days doing nothing but challenging kangaroos to boxing matches.
[(Nuzlocke is hard by nature, and sometimes in battles especially, accidents happen; let's just leave it at that) ]
If these are the same pokemon and same people as in all the other regions, why would the region being unforgiving somehow mean battles are fatal?
[Battling reaps quite a few benefits, including a sizable award rate per battle, and Nuzlocke Tours would often span out to regions that literally tripped over themselves to bring champions like those in Nuzlocke out to compete. ]
And given other regions don't have the whole battle to the death thing going on, why would they want people from Nuzlocke and their "accidents happen" pokemon anywhere near them? That's like wrestling tournaments asking for streetfighters who gouge their opponents' eyes out.
[We battle really differently in Nuzlocke…here, everyone just stands back and lets all their pokemon do the heavy lifting." I curled my lip unconsciously, expressing the disgust I felt at such a person ]
Yes, those disgusting people who don't regularly kill each other by accident. Truly, they are scum.
[They claimed strength, but what did they really know about fighting? What did they know about power? Had they felt the muscles shift under the pokemon in their grasp, felt their hearts pump the adrenaline that came with wrestling a monster that could end your life in a second, feel the light shift in their eyes and see their determination and loyalty and brotherhood glimmer through them, no matter how many Sand Attacks clouded their vision? ]
Of course not, they're NOT DEAD. Because higher level pokemon can blow up mountains and fighting them with your bare hands is suicide. Unless this is a heavy enough AU that there's no levels at all, and even then, you'd probably have to cut out evolution entirely, as most evolved pokemon are obviously far stronger than a human. Good luck wrestling a magmar. Plus if it's that AU, then there's real benefit to all the pokemon wanting to fight, they should be busy trying to survive rather than wasting their energy on pointless fights.
You've obviously working really, really hard at rationalizing this properly, but it just brings up new and more distracting plot holes.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6618431/1/Deviate
Hm. This is interesting, but it doesn't feel like you thought it all the way through. The idea of the player character deviating from the path of the game is clever, as everything grinds to a halt waiting for him to continue, but then with Ariana you have a character with her own independent life and backstory. If she can leave her farm to join team rocket, then why is she stuck waiting for the player? Why don't other NPCs decide to strike out on their own? Why doesn't she take his decision to quit, or at least take a break, as a sign she can go back to her farm now and not worry about him showing up? You seem to be both treating them as one-note characters whose purpose in life is to wait for him to arrive and perform some function, saying and doing things based on a script that might not make any sense to them, and as people with their own thoughts and ideas.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6618531/1/Secrets
Don't center your story, it's annoying.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6618766/1/Stainless_Steel
Pokeball, one word.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
When used in place of a name, it's written Dad, not dad. It's only in constructions like my/her/the dad that it's written as such.
["Steven, you're only fifteen. You only have one Pokémon. What if Beldum is taken out of battle? It only knows Take Down and Iron Head. You can't just go out whenever it strikes your fancy!"]
This is insanely over the top, even for the ridiculous standard of the category.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6618836/1/Pokemon_Wrath_of_Polaris
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6618989/1/A_kiss_is_a_contract
Capitalize your title properly.
A drabble means a story that's exactly a hundred words long.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6619073/1/Struggle
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[We are enslaved by the Pokemon, and nothing will change. ]
Why would the pokemon bother? The reason humans use pokemon is because they can do things humans can't. What do humans have that the pokemon want from them?
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[Johanna quickly put on her only good pair of shoes, a clean shirt and skirt, and a battered cap. a few scars were littered across her wrists and legs, including a large one on her back. Usually,the whip, when used in that manner, would break someone instantly. Not Johanna.]
Someone is surprisingly ignorant about any basic facts about slavery, I see.
So the resistance lives underground. Because humans are so much better at digging than pokemon, apparently.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6619124/1/The_Fiasco
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
["It's not fair," she started, "I've always received everything I wanted. ]
...what?
[serenly ]
Spellcheck.
Oh wonderful, so both the women are crazy and unreasonable.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[bare with me ]
Bear.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6619230/1/Just_a_little_gift
Capitalize your title properly.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6619741/1/Joshs_Adventures
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
When used in place of a name, it's written Dad, not dad. It's only in constructions like my/her/the dad that it's written as such.
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6620408/1/The_adventures_of_Chu
Capitalize your title properly.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6620654/1/Chronicles_of_Melody_The_Novel
[the characters from the Pokémon Legends stories (May, Ashley, Red, Melany, Rina, Wally, Suzy, and Brendan) belong to the fan fiction author known as devilrose87. I am writing this with her permission. This is a crossover of her stories up through Pokémon Legends: Side Stories and The Chronicles of Melody: Seasons 1-10 which were never published online because I despise the idea of copying ten notebooks of writing into a word document to post. This may change later but for now you will have to settle for the prologue of this story which will hopefully give a nice overview of the Chronicles of Melody: Seasons 1-10.]
WTF. How did this seem like a good idea? If you can't be bothered to type up the original fic, how is it good enough to write more of?
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[The Tayla region didn't have any Pokémon that had been discovered in another region and Professor Kendra had to get her starter Pokémon shipped from other regions depending on the season. ]
Why does the fact they have different pokemon mean starter pokemon have to be shipped in? Every region has different starter pokemon.
Also, new fan pokemon are generally a bad idea. It's rare for someone to actually invent interesting ones, and generally the story would work the same using existing pokemon.
...why are you summarizing every little detail? Either post the damn fic or restrict yourself to what actually matters.
[The cat-like Pokémon, which had been revealed to be a baby legendary Pokémon known as Mew]
Aaaaaaaand we're done here. Ridiculous mary sue is ridiculous and also overdone.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6620755/1/Gold_Silver_Forever_and_Always
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6620926/1/Truth_or_Dare
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[Brock sat in Jessie's ridiculously short skirt and used his arms to cover his belly. He felt like a drag queen. He had no idea how James did it, with all the crossdressing. Brock could only assume he really was gay, since he seemed to enjoy dressing as a girl. ]
Jesus fucking christ, this is the second time I've seen this. Die in a fire.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6621064/1/Rainbow_Trainers
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6621177/1/Pokeholiday
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Write out numbers with letters.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6621300/1/Alphabetos
[Is this about grandfather's decision again ]
When used in place of a name, it's capitalized and should be "Grandfather".
This has a nice quick flow to it. I like how you write and what you're writing but - it has nothing at all to do with the characters or setting.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6621360/1/The_Auraceon_Chronicles_I_Shards_of_Aura
[First, this fanfiction is actually my first story here on this site, although some of you may have seen various other stories labeled with the same series title. That is because this is the third and final copy of my original work, which is yet to be completed as of now. The other two copies (which were revised within the same document on this site) have been deleted so that I could start off on a new page and truly bring out the best in my story. ]
Well, that's ominous. Obsessive rewriting is never a good sign.
You really should use said more. Said is invisible. You should only use other words occasionally, when you mean to draw attention to how it's being said. And never used stated.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
Now at 1489 reviews.
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Date: 2011-01-04 07:21 pm (UTC)