NaRe11, Day Four
Jan. 4th, 2011 08:37 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/6621803/1/Pokemon_The_Billionaire_Road
[Author's note: I'm an aspiring comic artist, and to be honest, my skill is divided, 65 percent goes towards drawing and 35 percent goes into the writing portion. In order to help me keep the story going and not get hung up, I had to write it in a script sort of style, that is why the dialogue of the characters is stationed the way it is ]
Okay, so here's the thing. If most of your effort is in drawing, why would anyone want to read just the writing? Writing up a draft for yourself is one thing, but it's not something you should be showing to other people, because scripts are boring. So boring, in fact, that the site specifically made a rule against posting them.
I'd review further, but this is just going to get deleted, and anyway, I really see no point in critiquing the writing of someone who's mostly focused on drawing.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6621808/1/Pranks
This is a horrible mess. Get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6622598/1/The_amazing_pokemon_journey
Capitalize your title properly.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Write out numbers with letters.
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
[I couldn't help but feel trilled by it ]
Thrilled. Proofread.
[I scratched my head in curiosity than got dressed ]
Then.
[I woke up from bed early in the morning to celebrate my 10th birthday. I was ready to go on my Pokémon journey and I couldn't help but feel trilled by it. I uncovered myself from my blue bed sheet covers noticing that a certain mouse Pokémon was nowhere to be seen. I scratched my head in curiosity than got dressed so that I may go get my first Pokémon and eat some birthday cake. I brushed my brown hair and put on my white hat then I put my contacts into my Hazel eyes. It was just about perfect if you counted the cute red skirt and top and the yellow backpack which I would carry across my shoulder and down to my waist. I walked down the steps excited to step out of this house that I was so accustomed to. ]
Everything in this entire paragraph was a waste of time. Also, your sentence structure is bizarre and packed with weird tense issues. Get a beta reader.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Pokeball, one word.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6622748/1/The_Blood_Rush
Awful. Get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6622906/1/Pokemon_Ranger_Guardian_Signs_Zodiac_Attacks
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
[Karai's face turned into a shocked expression, much alike to ':O']
[Karai then made a face that somewhat looks like 'T.T']
Never do shit like this.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6623001/1/As_Cold_As_Steel
[Tree of Beggining ]
Spellcheck.
[so i had to]
Proofread.
[Gardevoir. Yes, I was staring at Gardevoir, who was my savior. I took me about five minutes to get this strait. Yes, Lucario, I thought to myself. You were saved by a... girl. For some reason I just couldn't get over the fact that a girl saved me. ]
Die in a fire.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6623161/1/Pokemon_Ranger_Chain_Reaction
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[A/N poor Ash he may starve there XD. ]
Don't put author notes in your story.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6623201/1/IT_doesnt_matter
Awful, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6623283/1/Journey
[erasing all of two lines of text he's written in the past couple hours ]
Your wording is weird here. It's like you were trying to say two different things - that he'd written all of two lines of text, and that he erased all he wrote in the past couple hours. So "all" doesn't mean the same thing with both phrases, and the sentence doesn't work.
[he's stuck staring blankly at the screen, barely reading over the couple sentences ]
How does "barely reading" work here? I mean, it's nice to actually see some narration in the category, but your wording is incredibly awkward verging on wrong.
[Taking a deep breath, he lets it out, sitting back in the comfy padded chair and placing his arms on its sides. He recalls what his author friends have told him. Write what you know. Don't force yourself. ]
Things which are not actually that interesting: reading about someone trying to write. It's a bit like how writing a story about how bored a character is generally boring itself.
[A couple more sentences, and he checks his watch. Twelve P.M. As though on cue, his stomach rumbles. Maybe I should grab some lunch… ]
This is the boring equivalent of nails on chalkboard.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Lucian turns his attention back to the computer screen. He can still keep this idea going, he thinks, though he isn't gripped by the same intensity as he was during that first brainstorm. But he keeps going at a steady pace. ]
Okay I quit. This is so pointless it hurts.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6623414/1/Cresselias_new_favourite_place
Capitalize your title properly.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[His sentence was interrupted by his swan-like counterpart, who gave him a huge hug [Can Cresselia even hug?] ]
- you know, on second thought, why bother with this when you obviously didn't?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6623496/1/Black_and_White_Memories
[Moving along. Now, for some who know from my previous comments in other stories that I have very iffy feelings of BW and I obviously didn't show interest (at first) to write a story about it. Sure the game looks cool and all but the Pokemon… Let's just say I haven't memorized the 100+ new names yet. And heck, I don't really know much about the game itself. Still waiting for it to come out in English.
THEREFORE, if I have written any information that is incorrect, please let me know ASAP so that I can fix it.]
THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU WRITING ABOUT IT? THERE IS NO LAW SAYING YOU HAVE TO WRITE BASED ON THE NEWEST GAME. IF YOU DON'T KNOW JACK SHIT ABOUT THE GAME, DON'T BASE YOUR STORY OFF IT. THIS IS NOT HARD.
[Bingo… The man thought ]
Thoughts follow the same punctuation/capitalization rules as dialogue.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Pokeball, one word.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6623508/1/Battle_Of_Eclipse
You really should use said more. Said is invisible. You should only use other words occasionally, when you mean to draw attention to how it's being said.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
[a giant Sabeshire ]
You're not capitalizing names for the most part, which I'm glad to see. But you did here.
[It had piercing blue eyes and silver claws, plus its transparent fur was about 5,030,000 shards of ice. Its tail lashed out excitedly, causing probably 30 ice shards to fall. However, in about 15 seconds, there were even more ice shards that replaced it, gleaming and ready to use. ]
No. Unless she's counting, there's no need for exactness. "several million shards of ice" "probably a dozen or two ice shards". Fifteen seconds is the only one here that works, and that should be written as such.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[at her's chocolate ]
At her chocolate.
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6623836/1/Larka
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Opening a story with a pokemon battle, particularly an elite four one, has honestly been done quite a lot. About the only different thing with this one is you don't immediately jump back to the start of the story but end the chapter in the same scene, and I kind of suspect that next chapter, it's going to be the standard first day as a trainer thing showing how he got here instead of continuing from here.
If I'm wrong, you should have actually kept going and shown that. This is far too short to post as a chapter and isn't anything new - it's just a pokemon battle and the hall of fame. If there's any actual story, you need to give some sign of that.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6624147/1/Beyond_My_Dimension
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[as i hear ]
Proofread.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
...and now you're not even using periods. This is disgraceful.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6624156/1/queen_of_hearts
[The only thing that remains from her life with Momma is the hunger stabbing at her insides. That and the stuffed Skitty with the torn ear are all she has left ]
This contradicts.
["What's your name?" he asks. She decides she likes his voice – low but not rough, serious but not austere. Like smooth black water trickling through her ears.
"I don't know," she replies, semi-truthfully. Momma gave her a name once but never bothered to use it.
]
I get what you're going for here, but it's too heavyhanded. A name is what you're called, if her mother doesn't use her given name she'd identify herself by nickname or whatever else her mother did use.
Besides that, I quite like this. You do a good job portraying her as precocious but still a kid.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6624175/1/Memory_Hunter
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[My seven year old body was much too premature for this ]
Immature. Or possibly small or young.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
Running into weird errors - hitting some "Unable to locate story" and "Chapter text not found. Please check to see you are not using an outdated url." with the most recent ones.
[Author's note: I'm an aspiring comic artist, and to be honest, my skill is divided, 65 percent goes towards drawing and 35 percent goes into the writing portion. In order to help me keep the story going and not get hung up, I had to write it in a script sort of style, that is why the dialogue of the characters is stationed the way it is ]
Okay, so here's the thing. If most of your effort is in drawing, why would anyone want to read just the writing? Writing up a draft for yourself is one thing, but it's not something you should be showing to other people, because scripts are boring. So boring, in fact, that the site specifically made a rule against posting them.
I'd review further, but this is just going to get deleted, and anyway, I really see no point in critiquing the writing of someone who's mostly focused on drawing.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6621808/1/Pranks
This is a horrible mess. Get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6622598/1/The_amazing_pokemon_journey
Capitalize your title properly.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Write out numbers with letters.
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
[I couldn't help but feel trilled by it ]
Thrilled. Proofread.
[I scratched my head in curiosity than got dressed ]
Then.
[I woke up from bed early in the morning to celebrate my 10th birthday. I was ready to go on my Pokémon journey and I couldn't help but feel trilled by it. I uncovered myself from my blue bed sheet covers noticing that a certain mouse Pokémon was nowhere to be seen. I scratched my head in curiosity than got dressed so that I may go get my first Pokémon and eat some birthday cake. I brushed my brown hair and put on my white hat then I put my contacts into my Hazel eyes. It was just about perfect if you counted the cute red skirt and top and the yellow backpack which I would carry across my shoulder and down to my waist. I walked down the steps excited to step out of this house that I was so accustomed to. ]
Everything in this entire paragraph was a waste of time. Also, your sentence structure is bizarre and packed with weird tense issues. Get a beta reader.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Pokeball, one word.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6622748/1/The_Blood_Rush
Awful. Get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6622906/1/Pokemon_Ranger_Guardian_Signs_Zodiac_Attacks
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
[Karai's face turned into a shocked expression, much alike to ':O']
[Karai then made a face that somewhat looks like 'T.T']
Never do shit like this.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6623001/1/As_Cold_As_Steel
[Tree of Beggining ]
Spellcheck.
[so i had to]
Proofread.
[Gardevoir. Yes, I was staring at Gardevoir, who was my savior. I took me about five minutes to get this strait. Yes, Lucario, I thought to myself. You were saved by a... girl. For some reason I just couldn't get over the fact that a girl saved me. ]
Die in a fire.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6623161/1/Pokemon_Ranger_Chain_Reaction
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[A/N poor Ash he may starve there XD. ]
Don't put author notes in your story.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6623201/1/IT_doesnt_matter
Awful, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6623283/1/Journey
[erasing all of two lines of text he's written in the past couple hours ]
Your wording is weird here. It's like you were trying to say two different things - that he'd written all of two lines of text, and that he erased all he wrote in the past couple hours. So "all" doesn't mean the same thing with both phrases, and the sentence doesn't work.
[he's stuck staring blankly at the screen, barely reading over the couple sentences ]
How does "barely reading" work here? I mean, it's nice to actually see some narration in the category, but your wording is incredibly awkward verging on wrong.
[Taking a deep breath, he lets it out, sitting back in the comfy padded chair and placing his arms on its sides. He recalls what his author friends have told him. Write what you know. Don't force yourself. ]
Things which are not actually that interesting: reading about someone trying to write. It's a bit like how writing a story about how bored a character is generally boring itself.
[A couple more sentences, and he checks his watch. Twelve P.M. As though on cue, his stomach rumbles. Maybe I should grab some lunch… ]
This is the boring equivalent of nails on chalkboard.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Lucian turns his attention back to the computer screen. He can still keep this idea going, he thinks, though he isn't gripped by the same intensity as he was during that first brainstorm. But he keeps going at a steady pace. ]
Okay I quit. This is so pointless it hurts.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6623414/1/Cresselias_new_favourite_place
Capitalize your title properly.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[His sentence was interrupted by his swan-like counterpart, who gave him a huge hug [Can Cresselia even hug?] ]
- you know, on second thought, why bother with this when you obviously didn't?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6623496/1/Black_and_White_Memories
[Moving along. Now, for some who know from my previous comments in other stories that I have very iffy feelings of BW and I obviously didn't show interest (at first) to write a story about it. Sure the game looks cool and all but the Pokemon… Let's just say I haven't memorized the 100+ new names yet. And heck, I don't really know much about the game itself. Still waiting for it to come out in English.
THEREFORE, if I have written any information that is incorrect, please let me know ASAP so that I can fix it.]
THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU WRITING ABOUT IT? THERE IS NO LAW SAYING YOU HAVE TO WRITE BASED ON THE NEWEST GAME. IF YOU DON'T KNOW JACK SHIT ABOUT THE GAME, DON'T BASE YOUR STORY OFF IT. THIS IS NOT HARD.
[Bingo… The man thought ]
Thoughts follow the same punctuation/capitalization rules as dialogue.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Pokeball, one word.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6623508/1/Battle_Of_Eclipse
You really should use said more. Said is invisible. You should only use other words occasionally, when you mean to draw attention to how it's being said.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
[a giant Sabeshire ]
You're not capitalizing names for the most part, which I'm glad to see. But you did here.
[It had piercing blue eyes and silver claws, plus its transparent fur was about 5,030,000 shards of ice. Its tail lashed out excitedly, causing probably 30 ice shards to fall. However, in about 15 seconds, there were even more ice shards that replaced it, gleaming and ready to use. ]
No. Unless she's counting, there's no need for exactness. "several million shards of ice" "probably a dozen or two ice shards". Fifteen seconds is the only one here that works, and that should be written as such.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[at her's chocolate ]
At her chocolate.
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6623836/1/Larka
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Opening a story with a pokemon battle, particularly an elite four one, has honestly been done quite a lot. About the only different thing with this one is you don't immediately jump back to the start of the story but end the chapter in the same scene, and I kind of suspect that next chapter, it's going to be the standard first day as a trainer thing showing how he got here instead of continuing from here.
If I'm wrong, you should have actually kept going and shown that. This is far too short to post as a chapter and isn't anything new - it's just a pokemon battle and the hall of fame. If there's any actual story, you need to give some sign of that.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6624147/1/Beyond_My_Dimension
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[as i hear ]
Proofread.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
...and now you're not even using periods. This is disgraceful.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6624156/1/queen_of_hearts
[The only thing that remains from her life with Momma is the hunger stabbing at her insides. That and the stuffed Skitty with the torn ear are all she has left ]
This contradicts.
["What's your name?" he asks. She decides she likes his voice – low but not rough, serious but not austere. Like smooth black water trickling through her ears.
"I don't know," she replies, semi-truthfully. Momma gave her a name once but never bothered to use it.
]
I get what you're going for here, but it's too heavyhanded. A name is what you're called, if her mother doesn't use her given name she'd identify herself by nickname or whatever else her mother did use.
Besides that, I quite like this. You do a good job portraying her as precocious but still a kid.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6624175/1/Memory_Hunter
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[My seven year old body was much too premature for this ]
Immature. Or possibly small or young.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
Running into weird errors - hitting some "Unable to locate story" and "Chapter text not found. Please check to see you are not using an outdated url." with the most recent ones.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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Date: 2011-01-05 02:53 am (UTC)Re: ...
Date: 2011-01-05 02:56 am (UTC)Re: ...
Date: 2011-01-06 05:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-05 03:29 am (UTC)I'm actually more scratching my head as to why the author is writing a story based on a game he's still "iffy" about. Joining in the "need to write a Pokemon Black/White story" bandwagon, I guess?
no subject
Date: 2011-01-05 03:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-05 05:44 am (UTC)This is awesome. Paulpire and Ashpire having a casual and ungrammatical conversation about transfer students over a pint or twelve of freshly spilled blood is funniest thing I've seen all day, and I have the feeling that's entirely unintentional. Sure, the author could be trying to do something Whedonesque and fumbling the execution spectacularly, but I'm guessing they were just so wrapped up in the whole, "yay, vampires, cool!" thing that they actually didn't notice how fucked up what they just typed was, and that sentence exists for the sole purpose of establishing that yes, in fact, they are vampires, isn't that neat?