NaRe11, Day Five
Jan. 5th, 2011 10:06 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/6624355/1/Shadow
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[The young man wore a black hooded cloak that covered his whole being, despite the heat, only his face and a few locks of jet black hair visible beneath his hood. On the back of the cloak was a yellow lightning bolt symbol. His chocolate colored eyes were shaded behind a pair of sunglasses. On his shoulder was the Pikachu.
The girl was dressed more casually. She wore a white baseball cap with a red bill over her black hair that fell in small waves to the middle of her back, and the ends of her hair were a deep red. Her bangs were held back by a couple of silver clips with fake red flowers. On her red tank top was a blue outline of a triangle and over the tank top was a light, white zip-up jacket with red sleeves that was currently unzipped. She had pale red shorts on that extended to about ten centimeters below her knees. On her feet were white socks and red sneakers. She also wore sunglasses over her amber eyes.]
This is infodumping. This level of detail isn't needed and should never be thrown out in a single blob like this. Also LOL dramatic black hooded clock.
[The guy that just stood up seemed to reach into a pocket or something (as far as anyone could tell through the cloak) and pulled out… ]
And thus the story ended with absolutely nothing happening.
Also, this is far too short for a first chapter. You don't need to start a new chapter with each new scene. This should go in front of your next chapter, not by itself.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6624381/1/Pokemon_Infinte_Storm
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[though less have succeded ]
Spellcheck.
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
This chapter was filler. If your character gets their first pokemon in exactly the same way as every other trainerfic written in the past decade of OT fic, you don't need to go through it again. Start the story when your plot actually starts And yes, you do need a plot. Boringkid gets pokemon, badges is not a plot.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6624405/1/Once_in_a_Blue_Moon
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6624538/1/Hot_Springs
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[more than just a break from Contests and Travelling ]
Seriously, stop capitalizing random words.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's written "okay", four letters.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6624603/1/The_Mew_stone
Capitalize your title properly.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
When used in place of a name, it's written Uncle, not uncle. It's only in constructions like my/her/the uncle that it's written as such.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6624796/1/The_Emporon_League_Information_Old
If it's not a story, it shouldn't be posted as a story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6624821/1/Left_To_Know
[This is their description of the foundation if found. When found, the opposite is shown, a 'safe environment for those who are urgent to be tested on for any reason.' With that, more is said to make it to be believed but not participated. When not found, it is an unknown facility to never to be found. The area dark, the atmosphere dirty, security maximized on the littlest reason within premises. ]
This is virtually unreadable. It's like it's been run through babelfish or something. Get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6624828/1/Shipping_summed_up_in_a_short_drabble
Drabble = 100 words. Words have meaning.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6625080/1/omerta
You really should use said more. Said is invisible. You should only use other words occasionally, when you mean to draw attention to how it's being said.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
These really sound like OCs, not the characters.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6625134/1/Blind_Dates
[Green had mixed feelings about his sister being a pseudo-pimp for him ]
NO. That is not what pimp means.
You really should use said more. Said is invisible. You should only use other words occasionally, when you mean to draw attention to how it's being said.
Anyway, this is decent enough, but still reads as pretty generic.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6625196/1/A_Warm_Summers_Night
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[In a split second, Dawn felt something strike into her stomach hard, knocking the wind out of her. She fell onto the floor, shaking and coughing up a dark substance. Her breath was caught in her throat, as she writhed in pain. ]
If she's coughing up poison, then the attack would have to have cut all the way into her stomach. In that case she's going to die of physical damage, not poisoning.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6625250/1/Pokemon_Island_Academy_Rewrite
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
["Elekid, let's show them how it's done!" Elekid jumped off my shoulders and landed in the arena.
"Exeggutor, start this off with Magical Leaf!" York shouted.
"Exeggutor!" the coconut tree Pokémon shouted. Several rainbow coloured leaves shot out from the leaves on Exeggutor's head.
"Elekid jump into the air to dodge!" I shouted. Elekid jumped into the air but the leaves followed Elekid, striking the Pokémon. "But how?" I wondered.
"Magical Leaf is a move which never misses," York explained smiling. "Even a novice knows that!"
"Well then," I said. "We'll fight back with Thunderbolt!" Elekid's arms started to whirl quickly. Soon, electricity began to form between its two battery plug like antennae. Elekid then blasted a bolt of lightning right at Exeggutor, striking it in the chest. Exeggutor was forced to take several steps back but it was still healthy.
"Exeggutor don't take that!" York shouted. "Use Energy Ball!" Exeggutor summoned a ball of green energy. The Pokémon then fired it at Elekid, who took the attack brutally.
"Elekid are you alright?" I asked as the Pokémon got up.
"Ele!" it shouted.]
Battles are not, in themselves, interesting. Here's why.
A pokemon tournament battle has no stake beyond the personal ego of the trainer. If he loses here, it means he'll just have to try again later. With an established character who the reader already cares about, it's possible to get some tension by introducing other factors - maybe they need the prize money, or they'll take it as a sign of failure if they lose, but that requires already knowing the character.
It's possible to make the battle about the pokemon themselves, which is marginally more interesting, given they're the ones actually getting hurt here. But that requires more descriptive writing and not having the bulk of the focus being on the trainer shouting orders, as well as the acknowledgment that battling kind of sucks for them.
When the battle is something with a forgone conclusion, such as, say, battling to enter an academy when the story's about him being at the academy, it's even worse. Unless it actually shows something about the character or their pokemon - and I don't mean your trite
["Good job," York said, holding out his hand. I took it and we shook hands. "I thought since I evolved my Exeggutor early, it would be stronger. Seems I was wrong… Ah well, good luck at the academy!"
"Evolving isn't the answer to everything," I said in reply. "Every Pokémon has its own strength and weakness."]
bit where saying basic platitudes is taken as a sign of wisdom bit - it's a complete waste of time and shouldn't even be in the story.
By the same token, it's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6625772/1/Pokemon_Midnight_Incident
You're adorable. But don't underline your entire story, it looks ridiculous.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6625966/1/Pokemon_Mystery_Dungeon_Team_ShockTail
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Write out numbers with letters.
Anyway, this is pretty much the same opening as every other PMD fic ever. If you're not doing things differently, skip ahead until you are.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6626058/1/The_Chosen_One_Book_III_Beyond_the_Great_Void
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Mewtwo…you shall be mine, once more. ]
...Okay, so the first time he lost Mewtwo, well, he didn't have any experience with pokemon like that, totally understandable. So he makes a more complex plan to get Mewtwo back - and then that blows up in his face and leads to mindrape. There's a certain point where continuing to try the same thing just makes Giovanni look like an idiot.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6626228/1/Snowpoint_Musical
Don't center your entire story, it's obnoxious to read.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
This is boring and has nothing to do with pokemon.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6625563/1/The_One_Who_Got_Away_A_Yuki_Tale
[When the mean with the lab coats came there was a rush of silence. Nobody moved thinking they wouldn't get noticed. I've seen people hold their breath until the men left in trying to become invisible. ]
Not very good scientists if they're picking people randomly.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[I opened my mouth to yell but only a dry croak came out from not using my voice for weeks. ]
Why? They've been kept in a cell with several others, surrounded by other cells with other people and nothing else to do. Why wouldn't she have been talking to those people?
[After quite a bit of struggling I had finally escaped and started to run down the other way we were going. ]
If she can get loose that easily, this must happen a lot. Why don't they have a better system in place, like stronger guards or like using the tangela to restrain people from the moment they're let out of the cell rather than after they've made a break for it?
Anyway, this is nicely eerie and you do a pretty good job setting the scene up and giving a sense of menace toward the main character.
I don't know what's wrong with their servers, but I keep running into more and more stories that say they're not there and have to be refreshed again in an hour to actually display, plus a buggy Just In page that keeps resetting to an older one even third time I check on it. That last fic took forever to finally go through. I'm thinking of letting them build up for a while tomorrow so I'm not reviewing the newest set.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6626642/1/Ziggy_Pooch
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[The fur ball]
Furball. One word.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6626711/1/The_World_of_Pokemon
[It's my first one on this forum but I'm not new to writing, ]
a)This isn't a story.
b) Next time you're new, read the rules. Nonstory chapters are banned. This should go above your actual story, not by itself.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6626711/2/The_World_of_Pokemon
[The discovery was announced but these new species of animals could not be integrated with a life outside of the laboratory for several years. Scientists had to make sure that letting them loose in proper environments wouldn't disrupt the eco system already existing ]
Okay, let me help you here. They would. Introducing a new anything takes far, far longer than a mere several years, and something like magic superpowered animals would never be introduced at all. Can animals that SHOOT LIGHTNING AT WILL outcompete other animals? You think they need a study to figure this one out?
This is without getting into how they have absolutely no reason to want to release them. When people spend ungodly amounts of money making designer crops, the end goal is not to throw the seed out the window so it can grow free.
[while also making sure they wouldn't be extremely dangerous to humans. ]
Again. The answer is "Yes, and why the fuck did you even need to ask?" SHOOT LIGHTNING.
[Five years later, Pokémon were starting to be integrated with the outside world when they had been integrated with artificial environments inside the laboratories, where they had been learning how to survive and integrate with other animals in the wild. ]
Because it's not like there has been failure for decades at every attempt to reintroduce existing wild species back into the wild. But some invented species that has never existed in the wild would be so easy. And, given aforementioned failures, those resources should be busy on actual existing endangered animals.
[Now in 2010 Pokémon is a natural part of the world ]
Yes, ten years would totally have been long enough to go from creation to completely integrated.
[But in the real world there is something called responsible parenting and a caring government, so kids were disappointed when hearing that a Pokémon license would not be given to a person before the age of 18 while also having a passing grade in Pokémonology and graduated from High School. ]
HAHAHAHAHA yeah this government that creates magic superpowered animals for shits and giggles and then lets them into the wild. So caring and responsible. (Bonus LOL at the idea that just being eighteen years old means you're totally responsible and can be trusted with your own personal salamance.)
Also, even aside from this that's nonsense. Preventing people from traveling, maybe. But stop them from *having* pokemon? Hell no. How would you even enforce this? The parent buys the kid a pokemon and some pokeballs, they've got pokemon now. Try to take them and the parent can just point out they're the legal owner.
[Scientists have, however, established that the Pokémon battles aren't all that dangerous for the Pokémon themselves and that they often enjoy the battles themselves. ]
The same scientists that gave the go-ahead for charizard to run free because they're totally safe to humans and won't affect the ecosystem? Yeah, they really sound like a reliable scientific body. I can't IMAGINE why any animal rights group wouldn't trust people of such integrity.
You know this kind of insanity could actually be a pretty funny satire of the whole corporate-controlled studies, and how science falls to the wayside before money, to the point that FIRE BREATHING DRAGONS are given the goahead.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6626711/3/The_World_of_Pokemon
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Do not use " for thoughts. Ever. It just looks like your character is talking to themself.
Write out numbers with letters.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6626841/1/Old_Haunts
[I nearly flatlined yesterday.
No, I DID flatline. Defibrillators brought me back, though.]
ARG. You're typing this. There is absolutely nothing stopping you from editing if you change your mind. You should never type one sentence and then contradict it the next.
["So are you asking if I want to do it?" I responded.
"Why yes, yes I am. I did ask your parents, and they did say no, but-"
"Wait, they said no?" Did they want me to waste away like this?
"They said they couldn't stand to see you die in surgery. But I always give the choice to the patients themselves, so…"]
WHAT THE FUCK. What sort of parent prefers seeing their kid die outside of surgery? This is ridiculous. There are, in fact, many legitimate reasons to parents might not want to continue treatment, but most of them involve either it causing horrible continuing suffering or because the treatment is as or more risky than doing nothing. Is there even any point to this?
[I sighed. What would my parents think when they found out…?
]
Well either you'll be fine and they'll be relieved, or you'll be dead and who cares? I mean, are you seriously trying to set this up as if his parents are complete monsters?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6626938/1/What_Hurts_The_Most
Songfic are banned on this site. And it's generally considered a good thing, because songfic kind of automatically suck and are a terrible, terrible idea.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6627010/1/Ash_and_Cynthias_Journey
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Write out numbers with letters.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, in any other constructions like my/her/the mom it's written as such.
[embaressed ]
SPELLCHECK.
Finally - yes, we all saw the episode. There's no need to repeat it here. Start at the point your story diverges.
["GET BACK HERE!" (He sure likes to yell a lot doesn't he? XD) ]
Never use author notes. No one gives a fuck about stupid asides.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6627340/1/Thanks_for_the_Memories_Things_have_changed
[all aliened perfectly ]
Aligned.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Write out numbers with letters.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6627440/1/A_Second_Doomsday
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6627454/1/The_Heart_and_the_Might
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Anyway. This is a nice opening, and the the banette makes for an interesting point of view character, but I'm not sure where you're going with this.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6627770/1/Once_Upon_A_Time
[kingdom of Hoen. ]
Hoenn.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Pokeball, one word.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
This is especially bad when it comes to trying to write battles.
Anyway, the whole of this was pretty cliché.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6627786/1/The_Thrilling_Adventures_of_Swift
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[the four Eevee's]
Never use an apostrophe for a plural.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[whose name was shadow]
This, though? Capitalized.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, in any other constructions like my/her/the mom it's written as such.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6627395/1/Battle_Of_Eclipse
Don't delete and repost without fixing anything, it's just obnoxious.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6627867/1/Necklace_of_Legends_2_Castle_of_the_Lost
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Anyway, legitimate pokemon-hating characters are pretty rare, so this could be interesting. That said, characters who hate pokemon for a chapter or two and then convert to liking pokemon are relatively common.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6627902/1/Soulsilver_Christmas
[it dosent ]
Spellcheck.
[Blue is the girl And green is a boy. He is also Souls older its a little late and really long eh woops! ]
PROOFREADING. It matters.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
This is a mess, get a beta reader.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[The young man wore a black hooded cloak that covered his whole being, despite the heat, only his face and a few locks of jet black hair visible beneath his hood. On the back of the cloak was a yellow lightning bolt symbol. His chocolate colored eyes were shaded behind a pair of sunglasses. On his shoulder was the Pikachu.
The girl was dressed more casually. She wore a white baseball cap with a red bill over her black hair that fell in small waves to the middle of her back, and the ends of her hair were a deep red. Her bangs were held back by a couple of silver clips with fake red flowers. On her red tank top was a blue outline of a triangle and over the tank top was a light, white zip-up jacket with red sleeves that was currently unzipped. She had pale red shorts on that extended to about ten centimeters below her knees. On her feet were white socks and red sneakers. She also wore sunglasses over her amber eyes.]
This is infodumping. This level of detail isn't needed and should never be thrown out in a single blob like this. Also LOL dramatic black hooded clock.
[The guy that just stood up seemed to reach into a pocket or something (as far as anyone could tell through the cloak) and pulled out… ]
And thus the story ended with absolutely nothing happening.
Also, this is far too short for a first chapter. You don't need to start a new chapter with each new scene. This should go in front of your next chapter, not by itself.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6624381/1/Pokemon_Infinte_Storm
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[though less have succeded ]
Spellcheck.
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
This chapter was filler. If your character gets their first pokemon in exactly the same way as every other trainerfic written in the past decade of OT fic, you don't need to go through it again. Start the story when your plot actually starts And yes, you do need a plot. Boringkid gets pokemon, badges is not a plot.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6624405/1/Once_in_a_Blue_Moon
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6624538/1/Hot_Springs
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[more than just a break from Contests and Travelling ]
Seriously, stop capitalizing random words.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's written "okay", four letters.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6624603/1/The_Mew_stone
Capitalize your title properly.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
When used in place of a name, it's written Uncle, not uncle. It's only in constructions like my/her/the uncle that it's written as such.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6624796/1/The_Emporon_League_Information_Old
If it's not a story, it shouldn't be posted as a story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6624821/1/Left_To_Know
[This is their description of the foundation if found. When found, the opposite is shown, a 'safe environment for those who are urgent to be tested on for any reason.' With that, more is said to make it to be believed but not participated. When not found, it is an unknown facility to never to be found. The area dark, the atmosphere dirty, security maximized on the littlest reason within premises. ]
This is virtually unreadable. It's like it's been run through babelfish or something. Get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6624828/1/Shipping_summed_up_in_a_short_drabble
Drabble = 100 words. Words have meaning.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6625080/1/omerta
You really should use said more. Said is invisible. You should only use other words occasionally, when you mean to draw attention to how it's being said.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
These really sound like OCs, not the characters.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6625134/1/Blind_Dates
[Green had mixed feelings about his sister being a pseudo-pimp for him ]
NO. That is not what pimp means.
You really should use said more. Said is invisible. You should only use other words occasionally, when you mean to draw attention to how it's being said.
Anyway, this is decent enough, but still reads as pretty generic.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6625196/1/A_Warm_Summers_Night
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[In a split second, Dawn felt something strike into her stomach hard, knocking the wind out of her. She fell onto the floor, shaking and coughing up a dark substance. Her breath was caught in her throat, as she writhed in pain. ]
If she's coughing up poison, then the attack would have to have cut all the way into her stomach. In that case she's going to die of physical damage, not poisoning.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6625250/1/Pokemon_Island_Academy_Rewrite
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
["Elekid, let's show them how it's done!" Elekid jumped off my shoulders and landed in the arena.
"Exeggutor, start this off with Magical Leaf!" York shouted.
"Exeggutor!" the coconut tree Pokémon shouted. Several rainbow coloured leaves shot out from the leaves on Exeggutor's head.
"Elekid jump into the air to dodge!" I shouted. Elekid jumped into the air but the leaves followed Elekid, striking the Pokémon. "But how?" I wondered.
"Magical Leaf is a move which never misses," York explained smiling. "Even a novice knows that!"
"Well then," I said. "We'll fight back with Thunderbolt!" Elekid's arms started to whirl quickly. Soon, electricity began to form between its two battery plug like antennae. Elekid then blasted a bolt of lightning right at Exeggutor, striking it in the chest. Exeggutor was forced to take several steps back but it was still healthy.
"Exeggutor don't take that!" York shouted. "Use Energy Ball!" Exeggutor summoned a ball of green energy. The Pokémon then fired it at Elekid, who took the attack brutally.
"Elekid are you alright?" I asked as the Pokémon got up.
"Ele!" it shouted.]
Battles are not, in themselves, interesting. Here's why.
A pokemon tournament battle has no stake beyond the personal ego of the trainer. If he loses here, it means he'll just have to try again later. With an established character who the reader already cares about, it's possible to get some tension by introducing other factors - maybe they need the prize money, or they'll take it as a sign of failure if they lose, but that requires already knowing the character.
It's possible to make the battle about the pokemon themselves, which is marginally more interesting, given they're the ones actually getting hurt here. But that requires more descriptive writing and not having the bulk of the focus being on the trainer shouting orders, as well as the acknowledgment that battling kind of sucks for them.
When the battle is something with a forgone conclusion, such as, say, battling to enter an academy when the story's about him being at the academy, it's even worse. Unless it actually shows something about the character or their pokemon - and I don't mean your trite
["Good job," York said, holding out his hand. I took it and we shook hands. "I thought since I evolved my Exeggutor early, it would be stronger. Seems I was wrong… Ah well, good luck at the academy!"
"Evolving isn't the answer to everything," I said in reply. "Every Pokémon has its own strength and weakness."]
bit where saying basic platitudes is taken as a sign of wisdom bit - it's a complete waste of time and shouldn't even be in the story.
By the same token, it's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6625772/1/Pokemon_Midnight_Incident
You're adorable. But don't underline your entire story, it looks ridiculous.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6625966/1/Pokemon_Mystery_Dungeon_Team_ShockTail
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Write out numbers with letters.
Anyway, this is pretty much the same opening as every other PMD fic ever. If you're not doing things differently, skip ahead until you are.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6626058/1/The_Chosen_One_Book_III_Beyond_the_Great_Void
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Mewtwo…you shall be mine, once more. ]
...Okay, so the first time he lost Mewtwo, well, he didn't have any experience with pokemon like that, totally understandable. So he makes a more complex plan to get Mewtwo back - and then that blows up in his face and leads to mindrape. There's a certain point where continuing to try the same thing just makes Giovanni look like an idiot.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6626228/1/Snowpoint_Musical
Don't center your entire story, it's obnoxious to read.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
This is boring and has nothing to do with pokemon.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6625563/1/The_One_Who_Got_Away_A_Yuki_Tale
[When the mean with the lab coats came there was a rush of silence. Nobody moved thinking they wouldn't get noticed. I've seen people hold their breath until the men left in trying to become invisible. ]
Not very good scientists if they're picking people randomly.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[I opened my mouth to yell but only a dry croak came out from not using my voice for weeks. ]
Why? They've been kept in a cell with several others, surrounded by other cells with other people and nothing else to do. Why wouldn't she have been talking to those people?
[After quite a bit of struggling I had finally escaped and started to run down the other way we were going. ]
If she can get loose that easily, this must happen a lot. Why don't they have a better system in place, like stronger guards or like using the tangela to restrain people from the moment they're let out of the cell rather than after they've made a break for it?
Anyway, this is nicely eerie and you do a pretty good job setting the scene up and giving a sense of menace toward the main character.
I don't know what's wrong with their servers, but I keep running into more and more stories that say they're not there and have to be refreshed again in an hour to actually display, plus a buggy Just In page that keeps resetting to an older one even third time I check on it. That last fic took forever to finally go through. I'm thinking of letting them build up for a while tomorrow so I'm not reviewing the newest set.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6626642/1/Ziggy_Pooch
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[The fur ball]
Furball. One word.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6626711/1/The_World_of_Pokemon
[It's my first one on this forum but I'm not new to writing, ]
a)This isn't a story.
b) Next time you're new, read the rules. Nonstory chapters are banned. This should go above your actual story, not by itself.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6626711/2/The_World_of_Pokemon
[The discovery was announced but these new species of animals could not be integrated with a life outside of the laboratory for several years. Scientists had to make sure that letting them loose in proper environments wouldn't disrupt the eco system already existing ]
Okay, let me help you here. They would. Introducing a new anything takes far, far longer than a mere several years, and something like magic superpowered animals would never be introduced at all. Can animals that SHOOT LIGHTNING AT WILL outcompete other animals? You think they need a study to figure this one out?
This is without getting into how they have absolutely no reason to want to release them. When people spend ungodly amounts of money making designer crops, the end goal is not to throw the seed out the window so it can grow free.
[while also making sure they wouldn't be extremely dangerous to humans. ]
Again. The answer is "Yes, and why the fuck did you even need to ask?" SHOOT LIGHTNING.
[Five years later, Pokémon were starting to be integrated with the outside world when they had been integrated with artificial environments inside the laboratories, where they had been learning how to survive and integrate with other animals in the wild. ]
Because it's not like there has been failure for decades at every attempt to reintroduce existing wild species back into the wild. But some invented species that has never existed in the wild would be so easy. And, given aforementioned failures, those resources should be busy on actual existing endangered animals.
[Now in 2010 Pokémon is a natural part of the world ]
Yes, ten years would totally have been long enough to go from creation to completely integrated.
[But in the real world there is something called responsible parenting and a caring government, so kids were disappointed when hearing that a Pokémon license would not be given to a person before the age of 18 while also having a passing grade in Pokémonology and graduated from High School. ]
HAHAHAHAHA yeah this government that creates magic superpowered animals for shits and giggles and then lets them into the wild. So caring and responsible. (Bonus LOL at the idea that just being eighteen years old means you're totally responsible and can be trusted with your own personal salamance.)
Also, even aside from this that's nonsense. Preventing people from traveling, maybe. But stop them from *having* pokemon? Hell no. How would you even enforce this? The parent buys the kid a pokemon and some pokeballs, they've got pokemon now. Try to take them and the parent can just point out they're the legal owner.
[Scientists have, however, established that the Pokémon battles aren't all that dangerous for the Pokémon themselves and that they often enjoy the battles themselves. ]
The same scientists that gave the go-ahead for charizard to run free because they're totally safe to humans and won't affect the ecosystem? Yeah, they really sound like a reliable scientific body. I can't IMAGINE why any animal rights group wouldn't trust people of such integrity.
You know this kind of insanity could actually be a pretty funny satire of the whole corporate-controlled studies, and how science falls to the wayside before money, to the point that FIRE BREATHING DRAGONS are given the goahead.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6626711/3/The_World_of_Pokemon
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Do not use " for thoughts. Ever. It just looks like your character is talking to themself.
Write out numbers with letters.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6626841/1/Old_Haunts
[I nearly flatlined yesterday.
No, I DID flatline. Defibrillators brought me back, though.]
ARG. You're typing this. There is absolutely nothing stopping you from editing if you change your mind. You should never type one sentence and then contradict it the next.
["So are you asking if I want to do it?" I responded.
"Why yes, yes I am. I did ask your parents, and they did say no, but-"
"Wait, they said no?" Did they want me to waste away like this?
"They said they couldn't stand to see you die in surgery. But I always give the choice to the patients themselves, so…"]
WHAT THE FUCK. What sort of parent prefers seeing their kid die outside of surgery? This is ridiculous. There are, in fact, many legitimate reasons to parents might not want to continue treatment, but most of them involve either it causing horrible continuing suffering or because the treatment is as or more risky than doing nothing. Is there even any point to this?
[I sighed. What would my parents think when they found out…?
]
Well either you'll be fine and they'll be relieved, or you'll be dead and who cares? I mean, are you seriously trying to set this up as if his parents are complete monsters?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6626938/1/What_Hurts_The_Most
Songfic are banned on this site. And it's generally considered a good thing, because songfic kind of automatically suck and are a terrible, terrible idea.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6627010/1/Ash_and_Cynthias_Journey
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Write out numbers with letters.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, in any other constructions like my/her/the mom it's written as such.
[embaressed ]
SPELLCHECK.
Finally - yes, we all saw the episode. There's no need to repeat it here. Start at the point your story diverges.
["GET BACK HERE!" (He sure likes to yell a lot doesn't he? XD) ]
Never use author notes. No one gives a fuck about stupid asides.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6627340/1/Thanks_for_the_Memories_Things_have_changed
[all aliened perfectly ]
Aligned.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Write out numbers with letters.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6627440/1/A_Second_Doomsday
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6627454/1/The_Heart_and_the_Might
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Anyway. This is a nice opening, and the the banette makes for an interesting point of view character, but I'm not sure where you're going with this.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6627770/1/Once_Upon_A_Time
[kingdom of Hoen. ]
Hoenn.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Pokeball, one word.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
This is especially bad when it comes to trying to write battles.
Anyway, the whole of this was pretty cliché.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6627786/1/The_Thrilling_Adventures_of_Swift
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[the four Eevee's]
Never use an apostrophe for a plural.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[whose name was shadow]
This, though? Capitalized.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, in any other constructions like my/her/the mom it's written as such.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6627395/1/Battle_Of_Eclipse
Don't delete and repost without fixing anything, it's just obnoxious.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6627867/1/Necklace_of_Legends_2_Castle_of_the_Lost
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Anyway, legitimate pokemon-hating characters are pretty rare, so this could be interesting. That said, characters who hate pokemon for a chapter or two and then convert to liking pokemon are relatively common.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6627902/1/Soulsilver_Christmas
[it dosent ]
Spellcheck.
[Blue is the girl And green is a boy. He is also Souls older its a little late and really long eh woops! ]
PROOFREADING. It matters.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
This is a mess, get a beta reader.
