Nare11, Day Eight
Jan. 8th, 2011 11:41 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/6633662/1/International_Police_The_Begining
Your title is misspelled.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[They just killed all the nurses and took all the supplies and left the men to starve." ]
Too many "and"s. You do this too much, and your sentence structure is generally questionable. Try reading stuff out loud.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6633754/1/Fates_Intervention
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
This is a grammatical mess, get a beta reader.
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6633762/1/Pokemon_Dragon_Lord
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[In this story, Ash gains a powerful Dragonite and Dragonair as his partners, and sets out to become the greatest Dragon Master ever. ]
Look, if you want to write about an OC with dragon pokemon, just write about an OC. Don't call him Ash.
[Flashback; 4 years ago]
Don't do this. Learn to write this kind of thing into the narration where it belongs.
["Hey little guys are you okay?"- a young Ash Ketchum said ]
That dash shouldn't be there in any of the dialogue.
[The one on the left was slightly larger, a shiny metallic black, golden-red belly and gem, and its eyes were gold. The one on the right was lavender-pink, silver belly and gem, and its eyes were gold as well ]
So it's not enough he finds two random dratini, they have to be done up in sue colors.
Write out numbers with letters.
[The Dragonite stood at a towering 28ft tall, a powerful yet lean and muscular body, shiny metallic black scales, golden-red belly, its wings larger than a regular Dragonite's and golden-red as well, its eyes were solid gold.
The Dragonair was long and sleek, a lavender-pink scales, silver belly, horn, and wing-shaped protuberances, the usual blue orbs are a golden color as were its eyes.
Ash looked on at the two powerful pokemon in shock. The pokemon in front of him were the Dratini twins he rescued three years ago. ]
So he's literally just handed superpowered pokemon, you don't even say he raised them himself.
[The shapely red-headed MILF was pleading with the aged professor to help Ash. ]
Okay I'm not even going to try. Seriously what the fuck.
[In this story, Ash focuses on just Dragon-types and will capture every last one of them. Yes this includes the Legendaries as well. ]
Yes, I too have often watched the anime and thought Ash just wasn't enough of a sue. Also, the show wasn't predictable enough.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6633984/1/Realization
[even though there are OCs, I'm not asking for any ]
Thank god.
[I don't think I'll be describing attacks because I never really watched the series so I have no idea what the attacks look like or even how to begin describing them. ]
...look it up and be inventive. The games describe every attack now.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You really should use said more. Said is invisible. You should only use other words occasionally, when you mean to draw attention to how it's being said.
[The six remained in a silence where none of them could speak. ]
Yeah, no. You do this a lot, actually. It's nice to see a fic that isn't mostly dialogue with a couple lines of narration thrown in, but most of this seems like you were trying to fill space. Sentences make a point and then keep past that, or don't seem to have any purpose. Writing is supposed to be communicating ideas. I'd really suggest getting a beta reader to clean up the style here.
[The sun was already beginning its journey down behind the mountains and was leaving behind an orange colored mixture that trailed in the sky. ]
I mean, seriously, how does that even work?
Anyway. This is really slow paced. You do a pretty good job of keeping it interesting considering the subject matter, but it really could stand to be tightened up.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6634134/1/Musical_Marvels
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Don't put author notes in the story text.
Write out numbers with letters.
Songfic are banned on this site. And it's generally considered a good thing, because songfic kind of automatically suck and are a terrible, terrible idea.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6634201/1/A_Fresh_Start_Prologue
"Your" is possessive, as in, your story, "you're" means "you are".
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[Without warning, Rayquaza slowed, coming to a complete stop just before the window. Its gaze swept through the room, as if it were searching for something. Its eyes came to rest on the bundle on Norman's arms. ]
And yeah it pretty much just seems sueish to me.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6634271/1/Fun
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Also your grammar is terrible. Get a beta.
[Well, this is probably a really OOC anime-version Lance, but who cares? ]
…
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6634287/1/A_Tale_of_Two_Species
[The Absol cried as it felt the life of her mother drain away like the blood coming out from her mother's wound. ]
The first line of your fic should really not have this many problems. You change gender midsentence from "it" to "her" and then you write something literal as a metaphor, and a cliché one at that. No, the life isn't draining away "like" the blood. If something's bleeding out, then the draining and the blood are the same thing.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[She cried, yelped, howled to the unmerciful, voiced her mourn to the unblinking stars and cried all the more. No more mother, no more protection, the laws of the wild knew it was a dog eat dog world, the survival of the fittest, in a few days she would probably die. ]
Then why is she making noise so everything anywhere nearby knows she's easy prey?
[Absol glared at it and growled. It startled him, but it regained its confidence, after all, what could a small Absol do to it? ]
So not only are you jumping between genders now, but you're flipping between using the pokemon's species as a normal noun and an actual name, which is insanely annoying to read. PROOFREADING. It does in fact matter.
[She just wanted to live, that's all. Why wasn't she chosen to survive the wild? ]
Because she's the sort of moron who shouts loudly "I'M SAD BECAUSE I'M A SMALL DEFENSELESS DELICIOUS ANIMAL WHO IS ALL ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE TO PROTECT ME"?
And now the growlithe puppy has randomly chosen to help her, because apparently he fails just as hard at the whole survival thing.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6634476/1/Love_Bites
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6634529/1/In_Other_Words
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
You really should use said more. Said is invisible. You should only use other words occasionally, when you mean to draw attention to how it's being said.
Pokeball, one word.
Anyway, decent enough but it feels drawn out past where it should be.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6634752/1/Pokemon_A_Tale_of_Giovanni
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6634760/1/The_Daunted_the_Puzzled_and_the_Wayward
The "chapter" thing is a bad idea. Each is only a couple paragraphs long, they should all be a single chapter. Even together this is pretty short.
["Go Girly!" he cried as he released the pokemon, "Fly us out of here and hurry!" He grabbed onto the leg of his golbat and feet were lifted off the ground. "See ya' later suckers!" Theodor Kemp laughed, as he swiftly flew out of Hearthome City. ]
If he had a flying pokemon, why did he spend all that time trying to escape on foot?
You have things actually going on in this chapter, which is nice, but not much. A first chapter should show where the plot is going.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6634897/1/Rainbow_Colored_POkemon
This is awful. Get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6634976/1/Shades_of_Gray
[Shade's of Gray ]
Apostrophes are for possessives and contractions. Not just slapped down any time a word has an S at the end.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[A warm sea breeze swept through the air, coming forth with a roaring gusts, bombarding the ears of all those above the boat with such force that the mighty cries of the Gyarados swimming alongside the boat. A few Pelipper drifted along lazily above the sea, accompanied by a hectic flock of their pre-evolution; Wingull. The ting white and blue seagull-like Pokémon struggling against the titanic wind. ]
This is a mess. Get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6635017/1/Pokemon_Adventures
There are four thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are three hundred "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost five hundred with "legend". There are over eight hundred with "journey", seven hundred and fifty with "story", two hundred with "quest", and nine hundred and fifty with "adventure". "Kanto" and "Sinnoh" shows up two hundred times, with "Johto" and "Hoenn" around one hundred and fifty. "Saga", "region" and "champion" come in at around a hundred. And in this particular case, you're copying the title of one of the existing manga, so that's yet another time it's already been used. What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
Write out numbers with letters.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's "okay", four letters.
Opening with a battle has been done a million times, and honestly, a pokemon battle isn't in itself that interesting. It's one thing when the show does it, because it can be well-done visually, but it takes a lot to do that in text.
[Twenty minutes later...]
Learn to write actual scene transitions into the narration, where they belong.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6635217/1/Explorers_of_Sky_Through_Her_Green_Eyes
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
["But… you look like a shiny Eevee to me in every way." ]
Because a regular eevee wasn't special enough?
[The rest of the trip went off more or less without a hitch. I picked up an Oran Berry, and Endeavor an Apple. We split the Apple when we began to feel hungry, then he picked up a Blast Seed. Also, at one point, I found the TM Dig and learned it. ]
It's like I'm actually playing the game.
Anyway, that was dull and far too similar to every other PMD fanfic.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6635441/1/My_Nightlight
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Anyway, this is really a perfect storm of cliché. Espeon/umbreon shipping with the umbreon a vampire.
This took way longer than it should have. My computer keeps freezing when I load a page or switch windows, both of which I do constantly during this.
Your title is misspelled.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[They just killed all the nurses and took all the supplies and left the men to starve." ]
Too many "and"s. You do this too much, and your sentence structure is generally questionable. Try reading stuff out loud.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6633754/1/Fates_Intervention
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
This is a grammatical mess, get a beta reader.
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6633762/1/Pokemon_Dragon_Lord
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[In this story, Ash gains a powerful Dragonite and Dragonair as his partners, and sets out to become the greatest Dragon Master ever. ]
Look, if you want to write about an OC with dragon pokemon, just write about an OC. Don't call him Ash.
[Flashback; 4 years ago]
Don't do this. Learn to write this kind of thing into the narration where it belongs.
["Hey little guys are you okay?"- a young Ash Ketchum said ]
That dash shouldn't be there in any of the dialogue.
[The one on the left was slightly larger, a shiny metallic black, golden-red belly and gem, and its eyes were gold. The one on the right was lavender-pink, silver belly and gem, and its eyes were gold as well ]
So it's not enough he finds two random dratini, they have to be done up in sue colors.
Write out numbers with letters.
[The Dragonite stood at a towering 28ft tall, a powerful yet lean and muscular body, shiny metallic black scales, golden-red belly, its wings larger than a regular Dragonite's and golden-red as well, its eyes were solid gold.
The Dragonair was long and sleek, a lavender-pink scales, silver belly, horn, and wing-shaped protuberances, the usual blue orbs are a golden color as were its eyes.
Ash looked on at the two powerful pokemon in shock. The pokemon in front of him were the Dratini twins he rescued three years ago. ]
So he's literally just handed superpowered pokemon, you don't even say he raised them himself.
[The shapely red-headed MILF was pleading with the aged professor to help Ash. ]
Okay I'm not even going to try. Seriously what the fuck.
[In this story, Ash focuses on just Dragon-types and will capture every last one of them. Yes this includes the Legendaries as well. ]
Yes, I too have often watched the anime and thought Ash just wasn't enough of a sue. Also, the show wasn't predictable enough.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6633984/1/Realization
[even though there are OCs, I'm not asking for any ]
Thank god.
[I don't think I'll be describing attacks because I never really watched the series so I have no idea what the attacks look like or even how to begin describing them. ]
...look it up and be inventive. The games describe every attack now.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You really should use said more. Said is invisible. You should only use other words occasionally, when you mean to draw attention to how it's being said.
[The six remained in a silence where none of them could speak. ]
Yeah, no. You do this a lot, actually. It's nice to see a fic that isn't mostly dialogue with a couple lines of narration thrown in, but most of this seems like you were trying to fill space. Sentences make a point and then keep past that, or don't seem to have any purpose. Writing is supposed to be communicating ideas. I'd really suggest getting a beta reader to clean up the style here.
[The sun was already beginning its journey down behind the mountains and was leaving behind an orange colored mixture that trailed in the sky. ]
I mean, seriously, how does that even work?
Anyway. This is really slow paced. You do a pretty good job of keeping it interesting considering the subject matter, but it really could stand to be tightened up.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6634134/1/Musical_Marvels
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Don't put author notes in the story text.
Write out numbers with letters.
Songfic are banned on this site. And it's generally considered a good thing, because songfic kind of automatically suck and are a terrible, terrible idea.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6634201/1/A_Fresh_Start_Prologue
"Your" is possessive, as in, your story, "you're" means "you are".
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[Without warning, Rayquaza slowed, coming to a complete stop just before the window. Its gaze swept through the room, as if it were searching for something. Its eyes came to rest on the bundle on Norman's arms. ]
And yeah it pretty much just seems sueish to me.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6634271/1/Fun
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Also your grammar is terrible. Get a beta.
[Well, this is probably a really OOC anime-version Lance, but who cares? ]
…
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6634287/1/A_Tale_of_Two_Species
[The Absol cried as it felt the life of her mother drain away like the blood coming out from her mother's wound. ]
The first line of your fic should really not have this many problems. You change gender midsentence from "it" to "her" and then you write something literal as a metaphor, and a cliché one at that. No, the life isn't draining away "like" the blood. If something's bleeding out, then the draining and the blood are the same thing.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[She cried, yelped, howled to the unmerciful, voiced her mourn to the unblinking stars and cried all the more. No more mother, no more protection, the laws of the wild knew it was a dog eat dog world, the survival of the fittest, in a few days she would probably die. ]
Then why is she making noise so everything anywhere nearby knows she's easy prey?
[Absol glared at it and growled. It startled him, but it regained its confidence, after all, what could a small Absol do to it? ]
So not only are you jumping between genders now, but you're flipping between using the pokemon's species as a normal noun and an actual name, which is insanely annoying to read. PROOFREADING. It does in fact matter.
[She just wanted to live, that's all. Why wasn't she chosen to survive the wild? ]
Because she's the sort of moron who shouts loudly "I'M SAD BECAUSE I'M A SMALL DEFENSELESS DELICIOUS ANIMAL WHO IS ALL ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE TO PROTECT ME"?
And now the growlithe puppy has randomly chosen to help her, because apparently he fails just as hard at the whole survival thing.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6634476/1/Love_Bites
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6634529/1/In_Other_Words
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
You really should use said more. Said is invisible. You should only use other words occasionally, when you mean to draw attention to how it's being said.
Pokeball, one word.
Anyway, decent enough but it feels drawn out past where it should be.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6634752/1/Pokemon_A_Tale_of_Giovanni
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6634760/1/The_Daunted_the_Puzzled_and_the_Wayward
The "chapter" thing is a bad idea. Each is only a couple paragraphs long, they should all be a single chapter. Even together this is pretty short.
["Go Girly!" he cried as he released the pokemon, "Fly us out of here and hurry!" He grabbed onto the leg of his golbat and feet were lifted off the ground. "See ya' later suckers!" Theodor Kemp laughed, as he swiftly flew out of Hearthome City. ]
If he had a flying pokemon, why did he spend all that time trying to escape on foot?
You have things actually going on in this chapter, which is nice, but not much. A first chapter should show where the plot is going.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6634897/1/Rainbow_Colored_POkemon
This is awful. Get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6634976/1/Shades_of_Gray
[Shade's of Gray ]
Apostrophes are for possessives and contractions. Not just slapped down any time a word has an S at the end.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[A warm sea breeze swept through the air, coming forth with a roaring gusts, bombarding the ears of all those above the boat with such force that the mighty cries of the Gyarados swimming alongside the boat. A few Pelipper drifted along lazily above the sea, accompanied by a hectic flock of their pre-evolution; Wingull. The ting white and blue seagull-like Pokémon struggling against the titanic wind. ]
This is a mess. Get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6635017/1/Pokemon_Adventures
There are four thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are three hundred "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost five hundred with "legend". There are over eight hundred with "journey", seven hundred and fifty with "story", two hundred with "quest", and nine hundred and fifty with "adventure". "Kanto" and "Sinnoh" shows up two hundred times, with "Johto" and "Hoenn" around one hundred and fifty. "Saga", "region" and "champion" come in at around a hundred. And in this particular case, you're copying the title of one of the existing manga, so that's yet another time it's already been used. What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
Write out numbers with letters.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's "okay", four letters.
Opening with a battle has been done a million times, and honestly, a pokemon battle isn't in itself that interesting. It's one thing when the show does it, because it can be well-done visually, but it takes a lot to do that in text.
[Twenty minutes later...]
Learn to write actual scene transitions into the narration, where they belong.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6635217/1/Explorers_of_Sky_Through_Her_Green_Eyes
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
["But… you look like a shiny Eevee to me in every way." ]
Because a regular eevee wasn't special enough?
[The rest of the trip went off more or less without a hitch. I picked up an Oran Berry, and Endeavor an Apple. We split the Apple when we began to feel hungry, then he picked up a Blast Seed. Also, at one point, I found the TM Dig and learned it. ]
It's like I'm actually playing the game.
Anyway, that was dull and far too similar to every other PMD fanfic.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6635441/1/My_Nightlight
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Anyway, this is really a perfect storm of cliché. Espeon/umbreon shipping with the umbreon a vampire.
This took way longer than it should have. My computer keeps freezing when I load a page or switch windows, both of which I do constantly during this.
