Nare11, Day Nine
Jan. 9th, 2011 11:57 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/6635474/1/The_Radiance_Of_Love
[Index:
Chapter: Page Number:
Chapter 1 Page 1
Chapter 2 Page 6
Chapter 3 Page 12
Chapter 4 Page 17
Chapter 5 Page 21
Chapter 6 Page 25]
This kind of nonsense is why it's important to look at something after you've uploaded it. You're supposed to post chapters separately anyway.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6635513/1/unborn
Songfic are banned on this site. And it's generally considered a good thing, because songfic kind of automatically suck and are a terrible, terrible idea.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6635565/1/Frozen_Heart
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[and barley making any of his own. ]
Barely.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
["What are you doing in here?" The voice said, and Leafeon could recognize it as female.
"I'm sorry, I was just-"
"Get out!"
"Was this your house? I thought this was an empty cave-"
"GRAAA!" The girl screeched. She jumped on Leafeon, and pinned him down.]
Oh my goodness an aggressive unreasonable screechy girl what an incredibly original idea.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6635572/1/Pokemon_Rose
And it's yet another story opening with a pokemon battle. These are really less than fascinating, with the televised version being probably the most boring of the options. (And really, "the champion"'s pikachu verses a gyarados? There's not even any suspense about the outcome.) Cut it down to the bare minimum you need. You could probably start it with the TV getting turned off - that establishes the situation with their parents, and any extra lines about the battle you think are really necessary can come from them discussing it.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
["Battling goes against everything your father and I stand for, and though we don't want to restrict your creativity, we absolutely refuse to let that filth onto our television." ]
This is kind of a cliché as well, and it rarely makes any sense. Battling is incredibly common and accepted in the world. It's not impossible for some people to disagree, but they're be very rare and have to have extreme views compared to the rest of society. And even in that case, it'd be impacting their kids more. If Mom and Dad think football is the root of all evil, the kids would absorb some of that attitude even if they really liked watching the games.
This is quite readable and mechanically decent, but nothing much has actually happened. I wouldn't mind this as the opening to more of a chapter, but by itself it's just not that interesting and I can't really tell from this if that's going to change in later chapters or if it'll keep being holding pattern stuff like this.
[The other weird thing about this story is that it's actually meant to be viewed with illustrations. But, obviously, fanfiction is not going to let me upload images, so I'll just be forced to link them to you. ]
If you really need stuff like that, try Archive of Our Own, it lets people display images in posted fic. More readable than making the whole thing one giant image and a vastly better idea than expecting people to repair links to see something important.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6635626/1/Pokemon_Champions_of_Tomorrow
Pokeball, one word.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
And when using it as a pokemon's name, please be consistent rather than jumping between that and calling it "the pikachu/charizard/ekans", that's really annoying.
[It was the final round of the Poke Ball Tournament! The battle had already started and the Pokemon of Energy Forest watched the fight commence! The winner of the Poke Ball Tournament would win the official Poke Ball Ribbon and would be eligible to take part in the next tournament in the Aureo Battle League, the Great Ball Tournament!]
Exclamation marks in narration are generally a bad idea. Also, look, tournament fighting is really not equivalent to a plot. Battles by themselves are not automatically interesting.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You really should use said more. Said is invisible. You should only use other words occasionally, when you mean to draw attention to how it's being said.
...seriously, battles, not automatically interesting. All that really needed to be said plotwise what that the raichu lost. It's nice stuff that matters does eventually happen this chapter, but you could have gotten there faster.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6635677/1/Murder_by_Bytes
Pretty amusing, and you do well with details. I can't really get past how scattershot Mewtwo's powers seem, though - he can manage an elaborate illusion but can't use any powers to cool himself off, he can teleport the both of them easily but can't use telekinesis to float over the stairs or even catch himself if he slipped.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6635788/1/Pokemon_Kanto_and_Orange_Islands_Take_2
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Dawn met Ash and Gary when she moved to Pallet Tow many years ago; she lived in Twinleaf Town before. Johanna was friends wit Delia Ketchum]
Proofread better. Town. With.
[as they did go to Pokemon School together. ]
Incredibly awkward wording.
[Dawn quickly became friends with Ash and he quickly became her best friend. ]
Don't repeat words, and definitely don't make the second half of the sentence a near restatement of the first.
[Ash was the one who introduced to Gary. ]
Introduced /her/.
[But after she got to know hum, ]
Him.
This is the first paragraph of your story, I should not be seeing this many mistakes. Get a beta reader who can actually find errors.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6635812/1/Discovery_journey
Capitalize your title properly.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
[uninsterested]
Spellcheck.
[the deck was pretty crode]
Crude.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
You need a beta reader, there are a lot more errors throughout this and your wording is pretty questionable in places.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6635893/1/Fire_and_Water
[I never knew my parents, my mom died when I was still an egg and my dad... my dad... I don't really know anything about him... don't know who he was, didn't know where he was, I didn't even know if he was dead or alive. ]
If they were an egg, how do they know their mother died? Why does the dad get a long list of waffling and the mom just gets a standard disney backstory?
Also, really, random eevee egg? Trainer just happens to stumble on it right as it hatches? Look, just say he bought it. It'd hatch with him, so it'd never know anything about its parents, and it makes more sense than a random egg.
[He had told me that pokémon were born to serve humans and without humans they would die in the wild ]
Yeah no. Consistent lies, please. If he's being used against wild pokemon, he should have picked up they exist. He could be told wild pokemon will try to kill him on sight, or that wild pokemon live short awful lives, but not that they flat-out don't exist.
Buying it would also somewhat fix the issue of why he's abandoning it instead of selling it to someone else - if they're easily available for purchase, maybe they're not that valuable despite being extremely rare in the wild.
...an eevee named Aqua. Look, their parents shouldn't know what they're going to evolve into a vaporeon at birth.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6635936/1/To_Be_the_Greatest
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[. First, the minimum age requirement for becoming a Trainer or Coordinator was increased from ten to sixteen. Whoever thought ten-year-olds could handle themselves out here obviously had never met one. ]
Jesus fucking christ not this again. Have *you* never met one? Or a sixteen year old, for that matter?
Look, if you want to write a grimdark version of pokemon where going on a journey is a legitimate challenge more power to you. Taking the existing setting that ten year olds handle in canon, and saying that they've recently bumped the age up so it's even more of a cakewalk? Idiotic.
[Second, the Companion Law was instated throughout all regions. The Companion Law stated that any beginning Pokemon Trainer or Coordinator must be accompanied by at least one other person who is of age. Again, whatever possessed people to think that it's fine to throw ten-year-olds out by themselves to deal with wild Pokemon is beyond me.]
Yeah, thank goodness for the brilliant people who realized it was a better idea to have hormonal sixteen year olds travel together during their first taste of being on their own and unsupervised.
Also I'd love to see how this is enforced given pokemon journeys involve being far away from anyone else most of the time.
[How people of that generation survived long enough to produce this one is beyond me. ]
It's generally a bad idea to point out your own plot holes.
You don't need to go through every detail of every character, especially when it's family members who they're leaving behind for the journey.
[Many consider them the original "Power Couple of Pokemon," which is a title Mom refuses, but Dad embraces and encourages. ]
The dad beat the mom, right?
[Both had made it to the semifinal round, but Dad wiped the floor with Mom, leaving her to finish third place and him to go on to become the Champion. ]
Yeah I'm done with this.
And just to head off the whining, no, I don't give a fuck she got to go win some other league, not the point.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6636069/1/Life_On_The_Firebrand_Ranch
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Your plot is rushed and slapshod. Things seem to just keep happening because you say so.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6636266/1/Pokemon_Crystal_Trainers_1_Old_Stories
Terrible, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6636722/1/Love_On_Her_Mind
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Don't put author notes in your story.
Terrible, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6636849/1/Tag_Team_Wallace_Cup
It's rare I see fic that's this OOC. Numerous other errors, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6636875/1/A_Brand_New_Me
Write out numbers with letters.
Your format is fucked up. Preview before you post.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6636892/1/Broken_Wings
[Occasionally bug catchers would come around with their nets. Their vain attempts at capturing bug pokemon would never amount to anything. In their minds, more bugs meant more chances to win. They didn't understand the fact that they had to actually build up, train and spend time with the pokemon. ]
This is terribly worded. it makes it sound like they never manage to catch bug pokemon.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, in any other constructions like my/her/the mom it's written as such.
[At one point she began furiously scrubbing a dish until it melted back into Ditto. The pokemon was actually trying to hide. Christina screamed in frustration and threw the pokemon across the room. Ditto splattered against the wall, hit the ground, and moved away at a speed Christina had never seen before. ]
I can't tell if you actually think hurting his pokemon is an acceptable reaction to being mad at him, or if you're trying to caricature her as being an evil harpy because you think she has no right to be mad about the whole lying and killing thing. Either way.
You've also got miscellaneous errors all over the place, proofread better.
Okay, so here's the thing. This is definitely an interesting plotline, but it's stretched out much too long. It takes forever to get to the first bit of plot. You especially didn't need the long bit where each pokemon is introduced in painstaking and mostly irrelevant detail.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6636927/1/Letters_to_the_Resistance
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Look, this is an interesting concept, but this is not how to handle it. Most of this is informing them of basic observable facts. Imagine writing something about human aging where the scientist explained that people spend their early life growing or get wrinkles when they're old. You have a couple actual explanations, but not many, and they're not very well thought out. And a lot of the minor details have problems. I mean [This could vary from 15 years in smaller Pokémon like a Venomoth, to 80+ years in larger Pokémon, such as a Rhydon. ] Venomoths aren't exactly tiny.
[Index:
Chapter: Page Number:
Chapter 1 Page 1
Chapter 2 Page 6
Chapter 3 Page 12
Chapter 4 Page 17
Chapter 5 Page 21
Chapter 6 Page 25]
This kind of nonsense is why it's important to look at something after you've uploaded it. You're supposed to post chapters separately anyway.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6635513/1/unborn
Songfic are banned on this site. And it's generally considered a good thing, because songfic kind of automatically suck and are a terrible, terrible idea.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6635565/1/Frozen_Heart
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[and barley making any of his own. ]
Barely.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
["What are you doing in here?" The voice said, and Leafeon could recognize it as female.
"I'm sorry, I was just-"
"Get out!"
"Was this your house? I thought this was an empty cave-"
"GRAAA!" The girl screeched. She jumped on Leafeon, and pinned him down.]
Oh my goodness an aggressive unreasonable screechy girl what an incredibly original idea.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6635572/1/Pokemon_Rose
And it's yet another story opening with a pokemon battle. These are really less than fascinating, with the televised version being probably the most boring of the options. (And really, "the champion"'s pikachu verses a gyarados? There's not even any suspense about the outcome.) Cut it down to the bare minimum you need. You could probably start it with the TV getting turned off - that establishes the situation with their parents, and any extra lines about the battle you think are really necessary can come from them discussing it.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
["Battling goes against everything your father and I stand for, and though we don't want to restrict your creativity, we absolutely refuse to let that filth onto our television." ]
This is kind of a cliché as well, and it rarely makes any sense. Battling is incredibly common and accepted in the world. It's not impossible for some people to disagree, but they're be very rare and have to have extreme views compared to the rest of society. And even in that case, it'd be impacting their kids more. If Mom and Dad think football is the root of all evil, the kids would absorb some of that attitude even if they really liked watching the games.
This is quite readable and mechanically decent, but nothing much has actually happened. I wouldn't mind this as the opening to more of a chapter, but by itself it's just not that interesting and I can't really tell from this if that's going to change in later chapters or if it'll keep being holding pattern stuff like this.
[The other weird thing about this story is that it's actually meant to be viewed with illustrations. But, obviously, fanfiction is not going to let me upload images, so I'll just be forced to link them to you. ]
If you really need stuff like that, try Archive of Our Own, it lets people display images in posted fic. More readable than making the whole thing one giant image and a vastly better idea than expecting people to repair links to see something important.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6635626/1/Pokemon_Champions_of_Tomorrow
Pokeball, one word.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
And when using it as a pokemon's name, please be consistent rather than jumping between that and calling it "the pikachu/charizard/ekans", that's really annoying.
[It was the final round of the Poke Ball Tournament! The battle had already started and the Pokemon of Energy Forest watched the fight commence! The winner of the Poke Ball Tournament would win the official Poke Ball Ribbon and would be eligible to take part in the next tournament in the Aureo Battle League, the Great Ball Tournament!]
Exclamation marks in narration are generally a bad idea. Also, look, tournament fighting is really not equivalent to a plot. Battles by themselves are not automatically interesting.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You really should use said more. Said is invisible. You should only use other words occasionally, when you mean to draw attention to how it's being said.
...seriously, battles, not automatically interesting. All that really needed to be said plotwise what that the raichu lost. It's nice stuff that matters does eventually happen this chapter, but you could have gotten there faster.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6635677/1/Murder_by_Bytes
Pretty amusing, and you do well with details. I can't really get past how scattershot Mewtwo's powers seem, though - he can manage an elaborate illusion but can't use any powers to cool himself off, he can teleport the both of them easily but can't use telekinesis to float over the stairs or even catch himself if he slipped.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6635788/1/Pokemon_Kanto_and_Orange_Islands_Take_2
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Dawn met Ash and Gary when she moved to Pallet Tow many years ago; she lived in Twinleaf Town before. Johanna was friends wit Delia Ketchum]
Proofread better. Town. With.
[as they did go to Pokemon School together. ]
Incredibly awkward wording.
[Dawn quickly became friends with Ash and he quickly became her best friend. ]
Don't repeat words, and definitely don't make the second half of the sentence a near restatement of the first.
[Ash was the one who introduced to Gary. ]
Introduced /her/.
[But after she got to know hum, ]
Him.
This is the first paragraph of your story, I should not be seeing this many mistakes. Get a beta reader who can actually find errors.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6635812/1/Discovery_journey
Capitalize your title properly.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
[uninsterested]
Spellcheck.
[the deck was pretty crode]
Crude.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
You need a beta reader, there are a lot more errors throughout this and your wording is pretty questionable in places.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6635893/1/Fire_and_Water
[I never knew my parents, my mom died when I was still an egg and my dad... my dad... I don't really know anything about him... don't know who he was, didn't know where he was, I didn't even know if he was dead or alive. ]
If they were an egg, how do they know their mother died? Why does the dad get a long list of waffling and the mom just gets a standard disney backstory?
Also, really, random eevee egg? Trainer just happens to stumble on it right as it hatches? Look, just say he bought it. It'd hatch with him, so it'd never know anything about its parents, and it makes more sense than a random egg.
[He had told me that pokémon were born to serve humans and without humans they would die in the wild ]
Yeah no. Consistent lies, please. If he's being used against wild pokemon, he should have picked up they exist. He could be told wild pokemon will try to kill him on sight, or that wild pokemon live short awful lives, but not that they flat-out don't exist.
Buying it would also somewhat fix the issue of why he's abandoning it instead of selling it to someone else - if they're easily available for purchase, maybe they're not that valuable despite being extremely rare in the wild.
...an eevee named Aqua. Look, their parents shouldn't know what they're going to evolve into a vaporeon at birth.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6635936/1/To_Be_the_Greatest
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[. First, the minimum age requirement for becoming a Trainer or Coordinator was increased from ten to sixteen. Whoever thought ten-year-olds could handle themselves out here obviously had never met one. ]
Jesus fucking christ not this again. Have *you* never met one? Or a sixteen year old, for that matter?
Look, if you want to write a grimdark version of pokemon where going on a journey is a legitimate challenge more power to you. Taking the existing setting that ten year olds handle in canon, and saying that they've recently bumped the age up so it's even more of a cakewalk? Idiotic.
[Second, the Companion Law was instated throughout all regions. The Companion Law stated that any beginning Pokemon Trainer or Coordinator must be accompanied by at least one other person who is of age. Again, whatever possessed people to think that it's fine to throw ten-year-olds out by themselves to deal with wild Pokemon is beyond me.]
Yeah, thank goodness for the brilliant people who realized it was a better idea to have hormonal sixteen year olds travel together during their first taste of being on their own and unsupervised.
Also I'd love to see how this is enforced given pokemon journeys involve being far away from anyone else most of the time.
[How people of that generation survived long enough to produce this one is beyond me. ]
It's generally a bad idea to point out your own plot holes.
You don't need to go through every detail of every character, especially when it's family members who they're leaving behind for the journey.
[Many consider them the original "Power Couple of Pokemon," which is a title Mom refuses, but Dad embraces and encourages. ]
The dad beat the mom, right?
[Both had made it to the semifinal round, but Dad wiped the floor with Mom, leaving her to finish third place and him to go on to become the Champion. ]
Yeah I'm done with this.
And just to head off the whining, no, I don't give a fuck she got to go win some other league, not the point.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6636069/1/Life_On_The_Firebrand_Ranch
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Your plot is rushed and slapshod. Things seem to just keep happening because you say so.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6636266/1/Pokemon_Crystal_Trainers_1_Old_Stories
Terrible, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6636722/1/Love_On_Her_Mind
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Don't put author notes in your story.
Terrible, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6636849/1/Tag_Team_Wallace_Cup
It's rare I see fic that's this OOC. Numerous other errors, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6636875/1/A_Brand_New_Me
Write out numbers with letters.
Your format is fucked up. Preview before you post.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6636892/1/Broken_Wings
[Occasionally bug catchers would come around with their nets. Their vain attempts at capturing bug pokemon would never amount to anything. In their minds, more bugs meant more chances to win. They didn't understand the fact that they had to actually build up, train and spend time with the pokemon. ]
This is terribly worded. it makes it sound like they never manage to catch bug pokemon.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, in any other constructions like my/her/the mom it's written as such.
[At one point she began furiously scrubbing a dish until it melted back into Ditto. The pokemon was actually trying to hide. Christina screamed in frustration and threw the pokemon across the room. Ditto splattered against the wall, hit the ground, and moved away at a speed Christina had never seen before. ]
I can't tell if you actually think hurting his pokemon is an acceptable reaction to being mad at him, or if you're trying to caricature her as being an evil harpy because you think she has no right to be mad about the whole lying and killing thing. Either way.
You've also got miscellaneous errors all over the place, proofread better.
Okay, so here's the thing. This is definitely an interesting plotline, but it's stretched out much too long. It takes forever to get to the first bit of plot. You especially didn't need the long bit where each pokemon is introduced in painstaking and mostly irrelevant detail.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6636927/1/Letters_to_the_Resistance
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Look, this is an interesting concept, but this is not how to handle it. Most of this is informing them of basic observable facts. Imagine writing something about human aging where the scientist explained that people spend their early life growing or get wrinkles when they're old. You have a couple actual explanations, but not many, and they're not very well thought out. And a lot of the minor details have problems. I mean [This could vary from 15 years in smaller Pokémon like a Venomoth, to 80+ years in larger Pokémon, such as a Rhydon. ] Venomoths aren't exactly tiny.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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Date: 2011-01-10 05:27 am (UTC)It would be funny if this were just the sort of thing some eevee parents do, and it generally works out about as well as naming your daughter Faith or Chastity. "Fuck you, Mom, I'm gonna be an umbreon!"
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Date: 2011-01-10 02:06 pm (UTC)no subject
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