Nare11, Day Ten
Jan. 10th, 2011 11:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/6637234/1/Outta_Control
Nonstory chapters are banned.
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6637234/2/Outta_Control
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6637249/1/Cubones_story
Capitalize your title properly.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
You have numerous other issues, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6637290/1/An_Unlikely_Heroine
[Yes, this is a journey fic. It purports to be a novelization of FR/LG, and so the plot may not seem very original. It probably won't be—that's not the goal. The objective is to make Pokémon seem realistic in every level while still staying close to the essence of the franchise: thus battling and interaction will seem different, and characterization and personality will receive the utmost attention (characters have very limited personalities and growth arcs in the games). Originality is overrated—and I mean that, if it refers to banal plot elements. A plot is a sequence of events: when you add characters and personalities, it becomes a story. Using the same chain of events as a video game is not unoriginal or plagiaristic, rather it's the simple nature of adaptation which exists throughout the history of literature, and was even praised in antiquity (some of those most famous works, such as Oedipus Rex or even the Homeric epics are retellings of earlier stories). What matters is not what happens, but how it's crafted. Don't be a philistine—if your only interest is a chain of events, go watch some pedestrian TV drama. But if you want to give it a read, I'll do my best to make sure you're entertained. ]
Oh my god this is so pretentious. Seriously, there's a way to put this without sounding insane. Also? Plot does matter.
...and you are still talking
...and talking.
...this really did not need to be explained.
"Mary Leaf's eyelids snapped open, and her cerulean orbs1 "
That's a footnote, isn't it. Let's see what's so important you need to interrupt the story so people can scroll all the way down and back.
"1 lol. Inside joke. "
Okay, you know what? Done with this.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6637450/1/The_Light_Guardian
When used in place of a name, it's written Dad, not dad. It's only in constructions like my/her/the dad that it's written as such.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Anyway, this looks different, but I would like more of an explanation for why he doesn't tell his father about what he can do. Just that it's different shouldn't be enough by itself. It's not impossible, but it needs some reasoning.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6637450/2/The_Light_Guardian
[Dad never knew about me. No one does. I wish I had told him now. I could have saved him, I know I could have. I am getting stronger. I've been able to heal injuries and illnesses quickly and effectively now. But I can only heal myself of course. I'm sure I could have healed the tumour. If I hadn't been so selfish and kept it a secret, dad could still be here.
I hate myself for that.]
As well he should.
Look, I get that you want it to be a secret, but this is ridiculous. Figure out a better way. For example, that when he tried, he wasn't able to do it because he hadn't tried healing anyone else before.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
["You look like you don't believe me," the bell rang signifying the end of recess. "But let me ask you this. Have you ever done anything you couldn't explain logically? Something that is almost like magic? Specifically, magic with a power that can only be described as light?"]
You really need to plot better. Things keep happening because you say so, without regard to why people would act that way.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6637715/1/Taking_Down_Galactic
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
Anyway, it's nice to see a story where something is happening, but this is far too rushed.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6637886/1/Is_this_what_I_signed_up_for
Capitalize your title properly.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6637910/1/Fiery_Soul_Icy_Heart
Don't center text, it's annoying to read.
When used in place of a name, it's written Dad, not dad. It's only in constructions like my/her/the dad that it's written as such.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Pokeball, one word.
Also, this was pointless. Characters getting stuff and intending to do something interesting later is not interesting itself.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6638058/1/Pokemon_Mystery_Dungeon_Total_War
Stories need to have plots. Kids doing boring, ordinary stuff? Not plot. Not needed. Get to the point.
And now it's the same sort of stuff, but with gratuitous beatings.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6638060/1/Chasing_the_Dream
[I have two beautiful children, Alexandra Rose and Jacob Ashton Waterflower. They were conceived in a wonderful night of passion between myself and my one true love Ashton Satoshi Ketchum. ]
...ugh.
[It's been an amazing ten years since I first found out I was pregnant. ]
Unless she found out she was pregnant right before giving birth, that means the kids aren't old enough to be trainers, you know.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Because we share the same birthday (December 20th) they weren't able to start their journeys until the following summer. But they want to go on their journeys together. They always tell me that "it's a twin thing" but I think they just don't want to be apart. ]
Your tense is really weird.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
And there's still more talking and not doing anything. Really, get to the point.
Nonstory chapters are banned.
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6637234/2/Outta_Control
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6637249/1/Cubones_story
Capitalize your title properly.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
You have numerous other issues, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6637290/1/An_Unlikely_Heroine
[Yes, this is a journey fic. It purports to be a novelization of FR/LG, and so the plot may not seem very original. It probably won't be—that's not the goal. The objective is to make Pokémon seem realistic in every level while still staying close to the essence of the franchise: thus battling and interaction will seem different, and characterization and personality will receive the utmost attention (characters have very limited personalities and growth arcs in the games). Originality is overrated—and I mean that, if it refers to banal plot elements. A plot is a sequence of events: when you add characters and personalities, it becomes a story. Using the same chain of events as a video game is not unoriginal or plagiaristic, rather it's the simple nature of adaptation which exists throughout the history of literature, and was even praised in antiquity (some of those most famous works, such as Oedipus Rex or even the Homeric epics are retellings of earlier stories). What matters is not what happens, but how it's crafted. Don't be a philistine—if your only interest is a chain of events, go watch some pedestrian TV drama. But if you want to give it a read, I'll do my best to make sure you're entertained. ]
Oh my god this is so pretentious. Seriously, there's a way to put this without sounding insane. Also? Plot does matter.
...and you are still talking
...and talking.
...this really did not need to be explained.
"Mary Leaf's eyelids snapped open, and her cerulean orbs1 "
That's a footnote, isn't it. Let's see what's so important you need to interrupt the story so people can scroll all the way down and back.
"1 lol. Inside joke. "
Okay, you know what? Done with this.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6637450/1/The_Light_Guardian
When used in place of a name, it's written Dad, not dad. It's only in constructions like my/her/the dad that it's written as such.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Anyway, this looks different, but I would like more of an explanation for why he doesn't tell his father about what he can do. Just that it's different shouldn't be enough by itself. It's not impossible, but it needs some reasoning.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6637450/2/The_Light_Guardian
[Dad never knew about me. No one does. I wish I had told him now. I could have saved him, I know I could have. I am getting stronger. I've been able to heal injuries and illnesses quickly and effectively now. But I can only heal myself of course. I'm sure I could have healed the tumour. If I hadn't been so selfish and kept it a secret, dad could still be here.
I hate myself for that.]
As well he should.
Look, I get that you want it to be a secret, but this is ridiculous. Figure out a better way. For example, that when he tried, he wasn't able to do it because he hadn't tried healing anyone else before.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
["You look like you don't believe me," the bell rang signifying the end of recess. "But let me ask you this. Have you ever done anything you couldn't explain logically? Something that is almost like magic? Specifically, magic with a power that can only be described as light?"]
You really need to plot better. Things keep happening because you say so, without regard to why people would act that way.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6637715/1/Taking_Down_Galactic
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
Anyway, it's nice to see a story where something is happening, but this is far too rushed.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6637886/1/Is_this_what_I_signed_up_for
Capitalize your title properly.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6637910/1/Fiery_Soul_Icy_Heart
Don't center text, it's annoying to read.
When used in place of a name, it's written Dad, not dad. It's only in constructions like my/her/the dad that it's written as such.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Pokeball, one word.
Also, this was pointless. Characters getting stuff and intending to do something interesting later is not interesting itself.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6638058/1/Pokemon_Mystery_Dungeon_Total_War
Stories need to have plots. Kids doing boring, ordinary stuff? Not plot. Not needed. Get to the point.
And now it's the same sort of stuff, but with gratuitous beatings.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6638060/1/Chasing_the_Dream
[I have two beautiful children, Alexandra Rose and Jacob Ashton Waterflower. They were conceived in a wonderful night of passion between myself and my one true love Ashton Satoshi Ketchum. ]
...ugh.
[It's been an amazing ten years since I first found out I was pregnant. ]
Unless she found out she was pregnant right before giving birth, that means the kids aren't old enough to be trainers, you know.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Because we share the same birthday (December 20th) they weren't able to start their journeys until the following summer. But they want to go on their journeys together. They always tell me that "it's a twin thing" but I think they just don't want to be apart. ]
Your tense is really weird.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
And there's still more talking and not doing anything. Really, get to the point.
