Nare11, Day Thirteen
Jan. 13th, 2011 11:57 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/6643371/1/Poke_Rangers_Forever_Red
[It's been over seven years since I published the first chapter of Mighty Morphin' Poké Rangers, spawning a huge chain reaction. Loads of people asked me if they could write spin-offs, building the world. I felt really happy about it and things started off great. Then, just over a year ago, I was asked to come to Japan and turn my creation into a TV show. It was amazing. I met my fellow writers in person for the first time and we were all thrilled. But when we landed in Japan I never expected to face a real villain. A villain that no author created: Tina Rage. She and her army of monsters were attacking the country. I, Jack Farrell, and Brooke Taylor had been called to act, taking on the Dimension Morphers, and becoming the Poké Rangers Dimension Warriors to save the world from her. ]
So, basically a massive self-insert suefest.
Also, this is far too short for a first chapter. This should go in front of your next chapter, not by itself.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6643371/2/Poke_Rangers_Forever_Red
[Frank loved waking up to that song. He loved LMFAO and their Party Music. That's usually how the Red Dimension Warrior started his morning with a smile. He combed his messy black hair and got dressed. He was now wearing a red t-shirt and black trousers. His brown eyes were being blinded by the sunlight as he reached for his glasses. He put his iTouch in his pocket and left his room. ]
This sort of product placement would be idiotic if you were paid for it. Why exactly you've decided to do it for free is beyond me.
[The Red Dimension Warrior was running in the park, with his favourite songs playing in his ear. He smiled each time he passed a girl, many of them smiling back.]
...because god forbid anyone think girls aren't interested in your sue.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[faling ]
SPELLCHECK.
Okay, four letters.
[I was the ultimate monster designed to destroy dimensions and rip apart time and space like a baby doll," it said. ]
What.
[Frank took out his Dimension Morpher, his red DS Lite. The jewel on Nikitca's chest began to glow with bright red energy.
"Dimension Warrior, Transform!"
Frank pushed the Start button on his morpher, followed by A, X and R. On the touch screen of his DS, he saw himself, and on the top screen was his Ranger suit. As he transformed, these two images swapped places. Frank's morpher emitted a bright red light, and bit-by-bit, his body was covered in the suit.]
...I have to admit this is certainly faithful to the show. Also what the fuck.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6643472/1/Flight
[Ages: Ash is 19, so is Misty ]
She's older than him. Fucking deal.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Look, you don't need to spend half your word count talking about what's already happened. If something unexpected has happened, okay. But if it's just "Ash and Pikachu are a good team, Ash is a famous trainer, Pikachu is really strong but old"? We can guess. The same goes for Misty. It's just paragraph after paragraph of filler. If you really, really want to include something like this, write summaries of actual scenes and events, not just general things.
["Let's get you back to the Gym we'll drive down to pallet tomorrow ]
This is everything wrong about the category's grammar in a nutshell. Why would you capitalize gym and yet think the town's name should be in lowercase?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6644003/1/Pokemon_Mystery_Dungeon_Darkness_and_Craziness
[This is my first OC story based on the plot from Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Explorers of Darkness, so plot credit goes to Nintendo! ]
You realize literally hundreds of people have already written fics like this, right? You really don't need to rehash the whole "wakes up and finds out they're a pokemon" thing yet again.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
You really should use said more. Said is invisible. You should only use other words occasionally, when you mean to draw attention to how it's being said.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6644697/1/Johto_A_Pokemon_Masters_Journey
There are four thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are three hundred "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost five hundred with "legend". There are over eight hundred with "journey", seven hundred and fifty with "story", two hundred with "quest", and nine hundred and fifty with "adventure". "Kanto" and "Sinnoh" shows up two hundred times, with "Johto" and "Hoenn" around one hundred and fifty. "Saga", "region" and "champion" come in at around a hundred. What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, in any other constructions like my/her/the mom it's written as such.
[Phanpy knocked my over with a Rollout and they both leapt on me, seemingly Headbutting and scratching me to death.
…
I woke up sometime later in a bed]
Then he wasn't anything'd to death. Also, it's "knocked me over".
"Your" is possessive, as in, your story, "you're" means "you are".
...so the phanpy just randomly teamed up with a wild pokemon and then randomly decided not to again.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6644840/1/Championship_Battle_Wally_VS_Steven
Battles. Still not inherently interesting. Still not an actual plot.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6644875/1/The_Pokegirl
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
[My mother told me of a lady that breaded Eevees. She said she had one Eevee that hadn't found a home, and was giving him away free to the first person who wanted him. ]
It's "bred". Also, eevee are extremely rare and extremely overused.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, in any other constructions like my/her/the mom it's written as such.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6645034/1/Doubt
[shinning ]
Shining. Proofread.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6645123/1/A_Lizard_a_Turtle_and_a_Bird
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6645247/1/Kriss_World
Terrible, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6645428/1/Mirror
Terrible, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6645646/1/Pokemon_And_The_Legendary_Guardians
There are four thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are three hundred "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost five hundred with "legend". There are over eight hundred with "journey", seven hundred and fifty with "story", two hundred with "quest", and nine hundred and fifty with "adventure". "Kanto" and "Sinnoh" shows up two hundred times, with "Johto" and "Hoenn" around one hundred and fifty. "Saga", "region" and "champion" come in at around a hundred. What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[ I always twiddled with my necklace. My father had given me that stone when I was thirteen, the day before he disappeared. It was blue with a black swirl cloud, and sometimes the colors would change randomly. It was quite mysterious. ]
[Professor Palm scanned me for a moment. I was fifteen. Icy-blue hair hung down far past my shoulder, about to the length of my elbow. I had streaks of black scattered though my hair as well. Mr. Palm seemed most stunned by my eyes, as most people are. They are icy blue and seem to nearly glisten in the light. The stone around my neck had changed from blue to a stunning, emerald green. I wore a black shirt with neon paint splattered all over it. My baggy black jeans had a chain attached to them, just like the one around my neck that held the stone. ]
So a sue then. And really, a special pendant necklace?
[With a flash of light, my most trusted partner appeared at my side.
Blitz was a growlithe, and probably the most powerful growlithe in the world. ]
Yup, sue.
[qualava ]
You keep switching to this spelling. Proofread.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6645796/1/Waters_Turn
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Anyway, this looks interesting.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6645796/2/Waters_Turn
But this is more meh. Preachier, and much is just a rehash of the last chapter. I'd rather see how they deal with being human (and, apparently, being trainers) than just repeated wakeup chapters.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6644261/1/Twylas_Aura_Journey
[Twyla is a normal trainer who uses magic, right? Wrong not only does she use magic but she's an aura user who needs to learn to control it before it controls her, but how can she when Team Aura is always after her and Ace Ketchum is making her life miserable? ]
So in sum, she's a colossal sue.
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
It's "lose".
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6646226/1/AAML_Mini_Drabbles
Drabble = 100 words. Not any short fic. Words have meaning.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
["You're such a dork brain, Ash!" Misty laughed. "Romeo and Juliet is classic literature – a love story for the ages! Besides," she continued, cocking an eyebrow, "how would you know if those romance novels I read are trashy or not?"
"I flipped through one of 'em once. While it was highly educational in some parts, most of it was bo-ring. Guy meets girl, they fall in love, they have a falling out, they get together in the end anyways. It's always the same old formula," Ash explained loftily.]
I'm left with the resounding impression you've never read either.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6646238/1/The_PseudoExtinction_of_Team_Rocket
Write out numbers with letters.
[Then, one day, I became vulnerable after being hypothetically burned by my older brother. ]
What does that even mean?
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[I carefully scaled the hotel, and after I made it onto the roof, I dropped the rope and pulled him up to where I was.
"All right," I told him as I tied the rope around my waist, "I need to stand on the edge so I can locate our target, so you'll have to hold the hope tight."]
Why can't he just do it from the roof?
["Get down there, remove his uniform and take the gun, his radio and his pokéballs. We can't risk him being discovered. Then get into the helicopter and return to the base." ]
Over a sprained ankle, really? It's not *that* hard to move someone like that.
[That evening, I continued to think about what Team Rocket stood for. 'Nothing but evil, as far as I'm concerned,' I thought. 'Why did I ever join?' When I thought back to my childhood, I never had the choice to accept or decline the offer. To be honest, I was forced into it.
]
Oh, come on. They didn't even tell him anything, they just said "Gee, Team Rocket's evil and commits crimes." Come on.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6646269/1/Missing
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, any other constructions like my/her/the mom it's written as such.
["Why am I feeling this way, Mom?" I asked, a bit agitated. ]
It's always a bad move in romance fanfic to portray your character with the emotional intelligence of a five year old. Makes the whole thing a mess of squick.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6646357/1/A_Shadow_of_Your_Former_Self
Interesting and very nicely written. I didn't like the ending, though - it feels unnecessary and just there for more angst, since it doesn't really resolve any of the issues but is just the standard protective pokemon tragic ending. Ending it on him saying he was the babysitter seems better.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6646427/1/Pokemon_Little_White_Lie
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
It's nice to see such an opening with things happening like this. I wish it was longer, though, since I really have no idea what's going on.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6645817/1/Leaf_and_the_MissingNo
Terrible, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6645908/1/Over_the_Years
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6646532/6/Lake_Verity
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
As to the story, kind of interesting, but it seemed like original fic sharing the names with pokemon characters, and I don't know what's actually going on with his "imaginary" friends and the lake.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6647142/1/Seasons_Book_1_Autumn
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Anyway, eh. So one unnamed character has defeated another unnamed character. I'm sure it's a big deal to them, but why should I care?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6647330/1/Diary_Howl_Of_The_Eternal_Trainer
Hm. That was interesting. I think it could use editing - the more overtly supernatural stuff, like his inability to sleep or his attempt to use a HM on himself feel like a distraction from the rest of it.
[It's been over seven years since I published the first chapter of Mighty Morphin' Poké Rangers, spawning a huge chain reaction. Loads of people asked me if they could write spin-offs, building the world. I felt really happy about it and things started off great. Then, just over a year ago, I was asked to come to Japan and turn my creation into a TV show. It was amazing. I met my fellow writers in person for the first time and we were all thrilled. But when we landed in Japan I never expected to face a real villain. A villain that no author created: Tina Rage. She and her army of monsters were attacking the country. I, Jack Farrell, and Brooke Taylor had been called to act, taking on the Dimension Morphers, and becoming the Poké Rangers Dimension Warriors to save the world from her. ]
So, basically a massive self-insert suefest.
Also, this is far too short for a first chapter. This should go in front of your next chapter, not by itself.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6643371/2/Poke_Rangers_Forever_Red
[Frank loved waking up to that song. He loved LMFAO and their Party Music. That's usually how the Red Dimension Warrior started his morning with a smile. He combed his messy black hair and got dressed. He was now wearing a red t-shirt and black trousers. His brown eyes were being blinded by the sunlight as he reached for his glasses. He put his iTouch in his pocket and left his room. ]
This sort of product placement would be idiotic if you were paid for it. Why exactly you've decided to do it for free is beyond me.
[The Red Dimension Warrior was running in the park, with his favourite songs playing in his ear. He smiled each time he passed a girl, many of them smiling back.]
...because god forbid anyone think girls aren't interested in your sue.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[faling ]
SPELLCHECK.
Okay, four letters.
[I was the ultimate monster designed to destroy dimensions and rip apart time and space like a baby doll," it said. ]
What.
[Frank took out his Dimension Morpher, his red DS Lite. The jewel on Nikitca's chest began to glow with bright red energy.
"Dimension Warrior, Transform!"
Frank pushed the Start button on his morpher, followed by A, X and R. On the touch screen of his DS, he saw himself, and on the top screen was his Ranger suit. As he transformed, these two images swapped places. Frank's morpher emitted a bright red light, and bit-by-bit, his body was covered in the suit.]
...I have to admit this is certainly faithful to the show. Also what the fuck.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6643472/1/Flight
[Ages: Ash is 19, so is Misty ]
She's older than him. Fucking deal.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Look, you don't need to spend half your word count talking about what's already happened. If something unexpected has happened, okay. But if it's just "Ash and Pikachu are a good team, Ash is a famous trainer, Pikachu is really strong but old"? We can guess. The same goes for Misty. It's just paragraph after paragraph of filler. If you really, really want to include something like this, write summaries of actual scenes and events, not just general things.
["Let's get you back to the Gym we'll drive down to pallet tomorrow ]
This is everything wrong about the category's grammar in a nutshell. Why would you capitalize gym and yet think the town's name should be in lowercase?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6644003/1/Pokemon_Mystery_Dungeon_Darkness_and_Craziness
[This is my first OC story based on the plot from Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Explorers of Darkness, so plot credit goes to Nintendo! ]
You realize literally hundreds of people have already written fics like this, right? You really don't need to rehash the whole "wakes up and finds out they're a pokemon" thing yet again.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
You really should use said more. Said is invisible. You should only use other words occasionally, when you mean to draw attention to how it's being said.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6644697/1/Johto_A_Pokemon_Masters_Journey
There are four thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are three hundred "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost five hundred with "legend". There are over eight hundred with "journey", seven hundred and fifty with "story", two hundred with "quest", and nine hundred and fifty with "adventure". "Kanto" and "Sinnoh" shows up two hundred times, with "Johto" and "Hoenn" around one hundred and fifty. "Saga", "region" and "champion" come in at around a hundred. What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, in any other constructions like my/her/the mom it's written as such.
[Phanpy knocked my over with a Rollout and they both leapt on me, seemingly Headbutting and scratching me to death.
…
I woke up sometime later in a bed]
Then he wasn't anything'd to death. Also, it's "knocked me over".
"Your" is possessive, as in, your story, "you're" means "you are".
...so the phanpy just randomly teamed up with a wild pokemon and then randomly decided not to again.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6644840/1/Championship_Battle_Wally_VS_Steven
Battles. Still not inherently interesting. Still not an actual plot.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6644875/1/The_Pokegirl
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
[My mother told me of a lady that breaded Eevees. She said she had one Eevee that hadn't found a home, and was giving him away free to the first person who wanted him. ]
It's "bred". Also, eevee are extremely rare and extremely overused.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, in any other constructions like my/her/the mom it's written as such.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6645034/1/Doubt
[shinning ]
Shining. Proofread.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6645123/1/A_Lizard_a_Turtle_and_a_Bird
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6645247/1/Kriss_World
Terrible, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6645428/1/Mirror
Terrible, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6645646/1/Pokemon_And_The_Legendary_Guardians
There are four thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are three hundred "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost five hundred with "legend". There are over eight hundred with "journey", seven hundred and fifty with "story", two hundred with "quest", and nine hundred and fifty with "adventure". "Kanto" and "Sinnoh" shows up two hundred times, with "Johto" and "Hoenn" around one hundred and fifty. "Saga", "region" and "champion" come in at around a hundred. What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[ I always twiddled with my necklace. My father had given me that stone when I was thirteen, the day before he disappeared. It was blue with a black swirl cloud, and sometimes the colors would change randomly. It was quite mysterious. ]
[Professor Palm scanned me for a moment. I was fifteen. Icy-blue hair hung down far past my shoulder, about to the length of my elbow. I had streaks of black scattered though my hair as well. Mr. Palm seemed most stunned by my eyes, as most people are. They are icy blue and seem to nearly glisten in the light. The stone around my neck had changed from blue to a stunning, emerald green. I wore a black shirt with neon paint splattered all over it. My baggy black jeans had a chain attached to them, just like the one around my neck that held the stone. ]
So a sue then. And really, a special pendant necklace?
[With a flash of light, my most trusted partner appeared at my side.
Blitz was a growlithe, and probably the most powerful growlithe in the world. ]
Yup, sue.
[qualava ]
You keep switching to this spelling. Proofread.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6645796/1/Waters_Turn
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Anyway, this looks interesting.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6645796/2/Waters_Turn
But this is more meh. Preachier, and much is just a rehash of the last chapter. I'd rather see how they deal with being human (and, apparently, being trainers) than just repeated wakeup chapters.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6644261/1/Twylas_Aura_Journey
[Twyla is a normal trainer who uses magic, right? Wrong not only does she use magic but she's an aura user who needs to learn to control it before it controls her, but how can she when Team Aura is always after her and Ace Ketchum is making her life miserable? ]
So in sum, she's a colossal sue.
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
It's "lose".
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6646226/1/AAML_Mini_Drabbles
Drabble = 100 words. Not any short fic. Words have meaning.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
["You're such a dork brain, Ash!" Misty laughed. "Romeo and Juliet is classic literature – a love story for the ages! Besides," she continued, cocking an eyebrow, "how would you know if those romance novels I read are trashy or not?"
"I flipped through one of 'em once. While it was highly educational in some parts, most of it was bo-ring. Guy meets girl, they fall in love, they have a falling out, they get together in the end anyways. It's always the same old formula," Ash explained loftily.]
I'm left with the resounding impression you've never read either.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6646238/1/The_PseudoExtinction_of_Team_Rocket
Write out numbers with letters.
[Then, one day, I became vulnerable after being hypothetically burned by my older brother. ]
What does that even mean?
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[I carefully scaled the hotel, and after I made it onto the roof, I dropped the rope and pulled him up to where I was.
"All right," I told him as I tied the rope around my waist, "I need to stand on the edge so I can locate our target, so you'll have to hold the hope tight."]
Why can't he just do it from the roof?
["Get down there, remove his uniform and take the gun, his radio and his pokéballs. We can't risk him being discovered. Then get into the helicopter and return to the base." ]
Over a sprained ankle, really? It's not *that* hard to move someone like that.
[That evening, I continued to think about what Team Rocket stood for. 'Nothing but evil, as far as I'm concerned,' I thought. 'Why did I ever join?' When I thought back to my childhood, I never had the choice to accept or decline the offer. To be honest, I was forced into it.
]
Oh, come on. They didn't even tell him anything, they just said "Gee, Team Rocket's evil and commits crimes." Come on.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6646269/1/Missing
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, any other constructions like my/her/the mom it's written as such.
["Why am I feeling this way, Mom?" I asked, a bit agitated. ]
It's always a bad move in romance fanfic to portray your character with the emotional intelligence of a five year old. Makes the whole thing a mess of squick.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6646357/1/A_Shadow_of_Your_Former_Self
Interesting and very nicely written. I didn't like the ending, though - it feels unnecessary and just there for more angst, since it doesn't really resolve any of the issues but is just the standard protective pokemon tragic ending. Ending it on him saying he was the babysitter seems better.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6646427/1/Pokemon_Little_White_Lie
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
It's nice to see such an opening with things happening like this. I wish it was longer, though, since I really have no idea what's going on.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6645817/1/Leaf_and_the_MissingNo
Terrible, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6645908/1/Over_the_Years
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6646532/6/Lake_Verity
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
As to the story, kind of interesting, but it seemed like original fic sharing the names with pokemon characters, and I don't know what's actually going on with his "imaginary" friends and the lake.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6647142/1/Seasons_Book_1_Autumn
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Anyway, eh. So one unnamed character has defeated another unnamed character. I'm sure it's a big deal to them, but why should I care?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6647330/1/Diary_Howl_Of_The_Eternal_Trainer
Hm. That was interesting. I think it could use editing - the more overtly supernatural stuff, like his inability to sleep or his attempt to use a HM on himself feel like a distraction from the rest of it.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2011-01-14 06:07 am (UTC)What.
Maybe the author's little sister plays like Terezi Pyrope, and he thinks that it's normal?
Oh my God I love cracked out transformation sequences. His transformer is a DS, that's fantastic.
...Um. Which is to say, I'm not exactly surprised that that just happened. Some kids imprinted on Power Rangers and imprinted hard.
The "lady who breaded Eevees" just about killed me with laughter. Wow is that an unfortunate error.
I really liked that ghost story, though.
no subject
Date: 2011-01-14 06:16 am (UTC)Um. Or so I heard. Yeah that's mostly what bothers me about the analogy.
no subject
Date: 2011-01-14 04:27 pm (UTC)My mental voice is refusing the idea that Ash Ketchum would ever utter the phrase "highly educational". Or "same old formula", for that matter.
no subject
Date: 2011-01-17 03:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-16 07:57 pm (UTC)I took another look at the ending—I didn't realize that 'protective pokemon' stories were common enough that the it might come off as a cliche. It does feel rushed and I might tweak it later, but I like how it turned out in the end, and since I already have a sequel half-planned out, I'm torn about changing the story's events for the sake of closure.
no subject
Date: 2011-01-17 03:10 pm (UTC)