More morons. Yay...
Jan. 23rd, 2005 05:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlaHello again everyone.
Some of you may have noticed the story up now, The White Umbreon by Silver-chan284. I reviewed it, like the other story I mentioned earlier, a few hours ago. I just checked and I see there's another chapter.
A little background:
The story is about a trainer who gets turned into an umbreon by having umbreon blood injected into him. No, it's a lot worse than it sounds. I went into it expecting it wouldn't be the best, but I didn't think it'd be half as awful as it was.
I review the story. My review is:
Ugh.
Look, when I go into a story and I see problems before it even starts, something's wrong.
The legend itself seems passable (not, by any stretch of imagination, good, but I've seen worse). Unfortunately you fumble it as you continue. "No one has ever dared to try it, until now." What sort of a legend is it, then, if it's never happened before? And if it's a pokemon legend, why is it you're talking about it as if it's accepted fact to humans? And "A mysterious laboratory has been capturing trainers and injecting them with their pokemon’s blood. They only capture one trainer before the project is shut down." Well, if they only capture one trainer and they're shut down, then they haven't been capturing trainerS, and they aren't mysterious anymore. Also, the 'has been' is grammatically incorrect if the action's completed. It'd be 'had been'.
There are a bunch of plot holes even as you introduce the premise. Why is it they couldn't grab regular kids (who wouldn't be armed with pokemon) and use them instead of a trainer? Why was a lab doing this if it's a pokemon legend? Who shut them down and how would their test subject have escaped when that happened?
Oh, and you've got numerous grammatical errors. 'Adventure' should be 'adventurous' and you can't have 'and' after you've used 'but when' in the last sentence.
Why exactly do you *say* this is PG-13 when you rated it G?
...okay, I'm going to just guess you're not a native speaker, because midnight and unkept are single words, as is pokeball. I'm not even going to keep listing your mistakes, it'd take forever. Find someone to beta read or better yet, don't write in a language you can't write.
Stop capitalizing trainer. It's not a proper noun.
Umbreon are not cats. They don't mew.
So, it's not a lab of any sort, it's just a random twentyfive year old guy who sets net traps for trainers despite having darts he uses to knock out their pokemon?
"Don’t worry; this will only be the most painful thing you have ever endured. If you live threw it that is…"
Ahem. I believe you said this had never been done before, and that he was a test subject. If it's a test and it hasn't been done before, the man shouldn't know what will happen or what it'll be like.
So, if he's a test subject, why is he let out of the net and then abandoned?
Umbreon. It's a dark type. They're immune to psychic moves and has a type advantage against psychic types. Or, no one would ever use an espeon against it.
"she felt like she had done something terribly wrong" Why on earth would she? That's OOC. There's been nothing that's happened for her to have any reason to think this.
Speaking of OOC, where on earth did you get the idiotic idea to have a Nurse Joy acting like that?
Narration after dialogue is not capitalized unless it's the start of a new, unrelated sentence.
Umbreon are not cats. They don't purr.
You know what? I don't give a damn that you had to look up how to spell rattata, so don't tell me and don't put a stupid little (1) in your story about it.
More plot inconsistency. Back when Kin was speaking earlier, you said his voice sounded like the "cries of an Umbreon". But now he can be understood by a human.
"Kin smirked. He may be in a Umbreon’s body, but he still had human intelligence."
Firstly, I don't think human intelligence is going to help him, and seeing as all he does is dodge and bite, it looks like he wasn't using it. Secondly, a moment ago he was scared to fight because he knew he had no experience in the matter.
Shadow ball is a ghost-type move. Ghost type moves do not hit normal types. Rattata is a normal type.
Get a beta reader. The number of mistakes in this story is just disgusting.
So now. What's the chapter?
Ayame:
To Farla: (this is going to be just about as long as you so called review) First off, I speak a mix of many different languages, so instead of criticizing, you should give some credit that I write well enough to understand.
For the part where it says G, I forgot to change it (I changed it right after it went up, and you reviewed really early, because now on my comp., it says PG-13 now). Anyways. I have a question for you. Do you think about, or even care aboutother people's feelings? Because it seems to me that you are either forgetting to say it’s constructive criticism for are just plain rude.
I know there not cats, I just always make them like that because that’s the way I write. The guy is the Sandman; don’t ask about that, very inside joke with me and my dad, that’s why it’s in there. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm insane.
I know, I’ve played every Pokemon game ever created. I just don’t think logically. It’s because I’m insane. If you read my bio, it even says so. I licked a tree; give me enough credit that I can even write at all!
Nurse Joy isn’t always a bundle of joy (no pun intended) all the time. If you had the job to heal monsters (some even near death) all day long with a smile on your face, I think you would eventually break down and yell at the first poor soul that even came near you. Anyways, she scares me even more than Andrew… Yesh, he’s creepy.
Hey, I already told people that this story was a slur of the moment. Do you think I care how I write at 2 in the mornin’? No. By the way, this was written at 2 in the morning.
You can write how you like, I can write how I like, simple as that. By the way, you really got on my nerves by you review, so I’m blocking you from submitting sighed reviews, got it? Good. Now bud out, back off, and go away.
Normally I'd be heading towards the 'report abuse' button about now, but I actually feel like leaving this up for people to see.
Some of you may have noticed the story up now, The White Umbreon by Silver-chan284. I reviewed it, like the other story I mentioned earlier, a few hours ago. I just checked and I see there's another chapter.
A little background:
The story is about a trainer who gets turned into an umbreon by having umbreon blood injected into him. No, it's a lot worse than it sounds. I went into it expecting it wouldn't be the best, but I didn't think it'd be half as awful as it was.
I review the story. My review is:
Ugh.
Look, when I go into a story and I see problems before it even starts, something's wrong.
The legend itself seems passable (not, by any stretch of imagination, good, but I've seen worse). Unfortunately you fumble it as you continue. "No one has ever dared to try it, until now." What sort of a legend is it, then, if it's never happened before? And if it's a pokemon legend, why is it you're talking about it as if it's accepted fact to humans? And "A mysterious laboratory has been capturing trainers and injecting them with their pokemon’s blood. They only capture one trainer before the project is shut down." Well, if they only capture one trainer and they're shut down, then they haven't been capturing trainerS, and they aren't mysterious anymore. Also, the 'has been' is grammatically incorrect if the action's completed. It'd be 'had been'.
There are a bunch of plot holes even as you introduce the premise. Why is it they couldn't grab regular kids (who wouldn't be armed with pokemon) and use them instead of a trainer? Why was a lab doing this if it's a pokemon legend? Who shut them down and how would their test subject have escaped when that happened?
Oh, and you've got numerous grammatical errors. 'Adventure' should be 'adventurous' and you can't have 'and' after you've used 'but when' in the last sentence.
Why exactly do you *say* this is PG-13 when you rated it G?
...okay, I'm going to just guess you're not a native speaker, because midnight and unkept are single words, as is pokeball. I'm not even going to keep listing your mistakes, it'd take forever. Find someone to beta read or better yet, don't write in a language you can't write.
Stop capitalizing trainer. It's not a proper noun.
Umbreon are not cats. They don't mew.
So, it's not a lab of any sort, it's just a random twentyfive year old guy who sets net traps for trainers despite having darts he uses to knock out their pokemon?
"Don’t worry; this will only be the most painful thing you have ever endured. If you live threw it that is…"
Ahem. I believe you said this had never been done before, and that he was a test subject. If it's a test and it hasn't been done before, the man shouldn't know what will happen or what it'll be like.
So, if he's a test subject, why is he let out of the net and then abandoned?
Umbreon. It's a dark type. They're immune to psychic moves and has a type advantage against psychic types. Or, no one would ever use an espeon against it.
"she felt like she had done something terribly wrong" Why on earth would she? That's OOC. There's been nothing that's happened for her to have any reason to think this.
Speaking of OOC, where on earth did you get the idiotic idea to have a Nurse Joy acting like that?
Narration after dialogue is not capitalized unless it's the start of a new, unrelated sentence.
Umbreon are not cats. They don't purr.
You know what? I don't give a damn that you had to look up how to spell rattata, so don't tell me and don't put a stupid little (1) in your story about it.
More plot inconsistency. Back when Kin was speaking earlier, you said his voice sounded like the "cries of an Umbreon". But now he can be understood by a human.
"Kin smirked. He may be in a Umbreon’s body, but he still had human intelligence."
Firstly, I don't think human intelligence is going to help him, and seeing as all he does is dodge and bite, it looks like he wasn't using it. Secondly, a moment ago he was scared to fight because he knew he had no experience in the matter.
Shadow ball is a ghost-type move. Ghost type moves do not hit normal types. Rattata is a normal type.
Get a beta reader. The number of mistakes in this story is just disgusting.
So now. What's the chapter?
Ayame:
To Farla: (this is going to be just about as long as you so called review) First off, I speak a mix of many different languages, so instead of criticizing, you should give some credit that I write well enough to understand.
For the part where it says G, I forgot to change it (I changed it right after it went up, and you reviewed really early, because now on my comp., it says PG-13 now). Anyways. I have a question for you. Do you think about, or even care aboutother people's feelings? Because it seems to me that you are either forgetting to say it’s constructive criticism for are just plain rude.
I know there not cats, I just always make them like that because that’s the way I write. The guy is the Sandman; don’t ask about that, very inside joke with me and my dad, that’s why it’s in there. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm insane.
I know, I’ve played every Pokemon game ever created. I just don’t think logically. It’s because I’m insane. If you read my bio, it even says so. I licked a tree; give me enough credit that I can even write at all!
Nurse Joy isn’t always a bundle of joy (no pun intended) all the time. If you had the job to heal monsters (some even near death) all day long with a smile on your face, I think you would eventually break down and yell at the first poor soul that even came near you. Anyways, she scares me even more than Andrew… Yesh, he’s creepy.
Hey, I already told people that this story was a slur of the moment. Do you think I care how I write at 2 in the mornin’? No. By the way, this was written at 2 in the morning.
You can write how you like, I can write how I like, simple as that. By the way, you really got on my nerves by you review, so I’m blocking you from submitting sighed reviews, got it? Good. Now bud out, back off, and go away.
Normally I'd be heading towards the 'report abuse' button about now, but I actually feel like leaving this up for people to see.
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Re: Umm...
Date: 2005-01-24 02:45 am (UTC)“You always bring in some kind of badly hurt pokemon! What is with you!?” she hollered.
If she was angry over pokemon mistreatment, that'd be one thing, but she's just annoyed and bitchy. The point of a pokemon center is to heal pokemon, so why would she be upset over that?
And then it continues with “Pleeeeeeeeeeeease?” Whimpered the auburn haired Trainer. She made her cutest puppy-dog face. Nurse Joy sighed. “Ok…..” She took the small ball and took it into the back room… if there was any doubt that Nurse Joy wasn't completely out of character. Since when do you have to plead with a Nurse Joy to heal badly injured pokemon?
Re: Umm...
Date: 2005-01-24 03:02 am (UTC)You see, I was thinking about how Nurse Joy "yelled" at Ash for injuring Pikachu (2nd episode, right?), but now that you pointed out the "holler" part (I didn't notice that before, me being a skipper) I see what you mean.
Hee. Especially with the whiny trainer.