Nare11, Day Twenty-one
Jan. 21st, 2011 11:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/6659811/1/I_Was_Stollen
Your title is misspelled.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
[so i laid back down ]
Proofread.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6659935/1/I_Wont_Say_Im_in_Love
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6659991/1/Witches_Witch_hunters_and_Demons
["I AM SO BORED!" a girl's muffled screech came, for, her face was flattening a pillow.
Your wording is terrible. Seriously, just try saying that mess aloud.
Hair colors are not actually that important.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
["Well, I just-" the first girl was cut off by five older men and woman appeared in the room. (just so it's clear, there are five old people in the room now too) ]
FUCKING REWORD YOUR SENTENCE THEN.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6660061/1/Rashel
[My name is Rashel. I guess that I wish I was normal. A normal, human girl. True, I am smarter than any human, and I can think at the speed of light. It is true, I am a robot. ]
See, this is why informed attributes are a terrible idea. She doesn't sound smarter than anyone alive. Honestly, it'd be generous to say she's coming off merely dull. And pretty much every single line after this just makes me subtract another few IQ points from my estimation.
And really, this is so trite it hurts.
[I look to be about twenty. ]
Then why would she be a girl?
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[I don't know whose idea this was to make me become a trainer of some sort. But I will be leaving the lab tomorrow, and going to become a Sinnoh trainer.
I know that they will give me a Pokemon here at the lab to be my starter, and I am supposed to act like a human trainer, capturing and training Pokemon.
I am an experiment, to see if robot trainers can really work, but I don't know how it will all work out. ]
Work at *what*? You can't even give an explanation for why they made her, let alone any sort of aim. This is terrible writing.
Also new trainers are little kids, so why build her with an adult body?
[We walked down the main hall, and went into a room, where many starters were available. I chose the one called a charmander. She was shiny. Special like me.]
That really says it all.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6660087/1/Shifters_world
[With this wealth, he lives a relaxed life in his huge mansion with many "servants" (using the old fashion of the word; you know, slaves). ]
Just. Say. Slaves.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[For centuries, they had been bound to follow orders restlessly by electronic collars. ]
What the hell is "restlessly" doing in that sentence, and also, why? Why pokemorphs in particular? Why do they need special ways to control them? Why the effort?
[She wore a…What's she wearing? (It's called Improvising; you've done enough already) Fine, she's wearing a Japanese school girl's outfit. (Great appeal to the masses, now back to the story!) ]
Fuck this, I'm done.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6660417/1/Pokemon_Golden_Saga_2_Red_Gold
[she sees a reddish speck fall off the peak after what seems to be an explosion happens. ]
Your wording is awful. If there's an explosion and then a speck falls off, that's the order you say it in.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[The girl wishes that she was allowed to go to Mt Silver but she cannot, as she only has three badges. The girl debates whether or not to send her Pidgeotto up to investigate, but she isn't sure if he could make it there and back. So she decides just to watch the speck fall. ]
Sure, she could tell someone else, but she can't personally be involved, and that, not the fact someone might be horribly injured and in need of help, is what matters, so why bother?
Also, this is far too short for a first chapter. You don't need to start a new chapter with each new scene. This should go in front of your next chapter, not by itself.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6660439/1/A_Pichu_Brothers_Christmas
FUCKING CHRISTMASFIC
[even the wild Pokémon ]
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[into an ally ]
Alley. Proofread.
[As he uses a Tackle Attack on of one trash cans ]
No, seriously, proofread.
[As Graveler goes first and the Pichu Brothers want Wooper to take on Graveler, Graveler uses Double Edge on Wooper, but Wooper uses Water Gun on Graveler, which make Wooper the winner of the battle, because Water Attacks are great against a Rock/Ground Pokémon like Graveler.]
This is incredibly dull.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6660503/1/With_Voyeuristic_Intention
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Only the psychic trainer's Espeon has been incapacitated, however his Alakazam was taking rather swift care of everything else. ]
You can't have both "only" and "however" there. "However" means a contradiction to the first half, and "only" his espeon being knocked out does not at all contradict with his alakazam winning.
[The red haired trainer jumps up and down, causing her assets to bounce in rhythm with it. Cynthia feels disgust for it, and embarrassment. ]
Oh, slut-shaming. Is there anywhere you won't randomly appear?
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Thoughts follow the same capitalization/punctuation rules as dialogue.
["I'm sorry, but your skills need honing if you wish to face Cynthia. She is far superior to me."
The red head looks past Lucian, connecting eyes with the champion, "What? Her? She's been gawking at us the entire time."]
Because watching somehow means she's an inferior trainer...?
[Lucian looks at her with a growing smile on his features. Rarely has he seen Cynthia - mightily strong Cynthia - act like a schoolgirl. And she was currently acting that way...because of him.]
Yeah, it's really disgusting how that's the default pattern for shipfic. Granted most of these seem stuck in a permanently high school - or middle school, even - mindset.
Mechanically, this is decent. There's enough minor wording issues you really should work at proofreading, but it's quite easy to read. Plotwise, less so.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6660604/1/Migration
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Decent enough, but over the top. The bits about the trainer especially - it'd have worked fine to have them noticing her acting weird but not understanding why, rather than doing things like giving the kadabra the ability to see outside the box.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6660790/1/A_Young_Joys_Adventure
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
["UGH! Why cant you guys just pop the pokémon in some machine and heal them almost instantly like in my Nintendo DS game?" pouted Molly?]
This is stupid. Kids in our world don't say stupid stuff about why the world doesn't work like a videogame simulation, and kids in the pokemon world shouldn't either. This reads like you're using her as your mouthpiece to tell the reader how you think it should be different.
[in a unison voice ]
Just "in unison".
[For some unsure reason, she suddenly felt like reviving Dawn's pokémon. ]
Never say a character is doing something for no reason. If she's storming out, either she keeps going or she needs a reason to change her mind.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, in any other constructions like my/her/the mom it's written as such.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6660994/1/Youre_My_World
["MAY! THIS IS THE LAST TIME YOU WILL EVER BE IN A CONTEST EVER AGAIN!"]
It's her choice, isn't it?
[Brendan, my boyfriend, my hate. I despisethe fiber of his being and everything about him. ]
First, spellcheck. Second, then why is she going out with him.
["Please Brendan! I love these contests and I know if I try harder next time I'll win" I begged]
He doesn't have any power over her, it's her choice.
[He is traveling with me, forcefully whether I like it or not. ]
No, seriously, it's her choice.
["I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!" he said and pushed me down, hard. "YOU WILL NEVER BE IN A CONTEST EVER AGAIN! YOU WILL START GYM BATTLES AND NEVER SEE THAT GREEN-HAIRED BASTARD AGAIN!" ]
Oh my god this is just so ridiculous.
[I hate him and I'm only dating him because of the man I call my father made me. ]
You really don't grasp the whole "choice" thing, do you. Yeah, I'm done, this is just too much stupidity in the name of contrived angst.
From the reviews: I'm okay with Hoennshipping, but if Drew is there, May belongs to him. God damn it, people.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6661202/1/A_Deadly_Breach
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Anyway, somewhat of a different opening, but like so many fics doesn't give much sign of what the actual plot is, just a lot of talking about stuff to try to be suspenseful.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6661624/1/What_Makes_Paul_Happy
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[He went on the line and ordered his favorite Ice Cream flavor, Purple Surprise. ]
Stop capitalizing random words.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6661695/1/Sinnohs_Goodbyes
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
[~The Stadium~ ]
[~With Ash~ ]
Learn to write scene transitions.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6661795/1/Kantos_Special_Operation_Force
[Summary -AU. Kanto's Special Operations Force First Lieutenant Ash Ketchum, and second lieutenants May Maple, Dawn Berlitz, and Gary Oak, are battle hardened warriors, on a mission to infiltrate Kanto Traitor Giovanni Ketchum's base and end him, before the world is plunged into war. ]
Then they're OCs. Jesus, why do this? It's not like people shun OCs and there's any point to trying to pretend you're using canon characters.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Do not use " for thoughts. Ever. It just looks like your character is talking to themself.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6662212/1/How_Zoroark_Met_Zorua
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Anyway, rather bland and more a summary than a story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6662275/1/Those_High_School_Sweethearts
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2011-01-22 01:54 pm (UTC)I also don't get why people cannot seem to wrap their heads around the idea that women are actual people and not objects or plot devices. I'm male and I'm a staunch believer in gender equality, yet most fanfic authors are female and we get misogyny everywhere? I just don't get it. -_-
no subject
Date: 2011-01-22 05:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-22 08:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-22 10:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-22 10:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-22 10:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-22 06:00 pm (UTC)Actually, the reviewer is smarter than you think. Drew will come and take May away from the very abusive Brendan (because the woman isn't able to get out of the relationship for some reason, oh dear!), and then the two will live happily ever after and have ten beautiful children!
*sighs in annoyance*
no subject
Date: 2011-01-22 08:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-22 10:29 pm (UTC)