Nare11, Day Thirty
Jan. 30th, 2011 11:57 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/6693482/1/A_Pokemon_Adventure
Your title is vague and tells nothing about your story.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Write out numbers with letters.
Don't use ' for thoughts, it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse. As long as you put a "he thought" at the end you generally don't need any markers, anyway.
[charamander ]
It's charmander. If you're not sure how it's spelled, look it up.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6693688/1/Setting_Sun
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[to Pallet town ]
If it's a name, you capitalize all of it, not part.
["You should have one if just for protection. As I do not wish something else to happen to you I will accompany you the rest of the way."
"I cannot ask that of you, you have already done so much."]
Your dialogue is horribly unnatural sounding. Read it out loud if you need to.
[He was in the process of taking Lance's position as champion perhaps once this was over with. ]
Your grammar in general is also a mess. He can't be "in the process of" if he's going to do it once something else happens.
When used in place of a name, it's written Dad, not dad. It's only in constructions like my/her/the dad that it's written as such.
It's pokeball, one word.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
[That Pikachu was special, ]
No. It wasn't. I realize this is one of the very early episodes, but TR misunderstood what was going on.
["Because I didn't know for sure, and my mom wouldn't tell me. After today though I knew it was the truth."
"Is that why you let him go?" Misty inquired.
"Perhaps, perhaps not, it just seemed like the right thing to do."
"What are you going to tell Officer Jenny?"
"That he got away like always," was his reply with a smile, "just don't get yourself caught…dad."]
Ah, the fun of protagonist centered morality. If what he's doing is actually wrong, then letting him go is wrong too. The rest of Team Rocket goes under, the grunts go to jail, the guy giving the orders skips off into the sunset?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6693916/1/Untitled
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
["Oh, I just need their pokeballs." she must've assumed it was as simple as that.
"Yeah, the thing is, they don't have 'em. I don't own them." I tried to explain.]
This is idiotic. I don't know where authors get the idea not putting pokemon in pokeballs is somehow a sign of morality, because obviously battles are more moral if afterward your pokemon has crawl to the pokecenter to be healed rather than transported in a pokeball.
["I'm sorry, but this just isn't allowed." the girl explained again, "If you want to see the rules, they're listed over on the wall next to the ATM machine."
"I don't care about your dumb ass rules. I want to talk to whoever's in charge of this whole setup." I yelled, steaming.]
And now he's losing his temper over something he should have seen coming. He didn't even make a real effort to explain, instead he's acting like they're the weird ones, and then he takes it out on someone who has absolutely no power over those rules.
[the phone rang, she glared at me with a look like "You happy?" I just looked back at her with the same intensity because I wasn't about to have my friends insulted and do nothing about it. ]
Yeah, being told something isn't allowed is a mortal insult. Yell more at the secretary for daring to point out the rules, that'll show how badass you are!
[The old dude introduced himself as Charlie Goodshow, and I told him my name. He said he wanted to do whatever he could to get me into the competition. Something about my 'spirit' impressed him. ]
That's definitely the diplomatic way of putting "I bet your impending tantrum during the battle will draw ratings".
["Speaking of which," the girl at the counter said, still scowling ]
Yes how dare she be annoyed at some jackass who comes in, throws a fit, and then demands a special exception.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6693920/1/W_is_for_Wooper
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
["Hey, it's a Wooper!" a boy with indigo hair that was covered by a yellow and black cap that was pulled backwards called ]
Okay, sentences need focus. In this case, the point is the boy calling. The fact you separate these two words by a massive pile of irrelevant description is bad and distracting.
["Wooper, where!" I asked, looking around.
"You're a Wooper!" Quilava shouted. I smiled.
"No I'm not, I'm a Parasect! See, watch, I can use Stun Spore!" I jumped into the air and fired glowing light blue balls from my mouth at Quilava.]
Ugh, don't tell me, this is going to be explained by claiming it's a sugar high from the cookie.
["I think that cookie had too much sugar for it, Quilava," Jimmy said. ]
So sugar highs don't actually exist. The best you can get is an energy rush. And if anything, I'd worry about the chocolate.
What you're portraying here is basically intoxication. Note the word toxic in there, as in, the brain going haywire from poisoning. In general, the faster the affects kick in the worse it ends up being.
Finally, outright insanity just isn't that funny. The wooper is far more amusing when it's just gulping the kid's cookie and fooling around, once it starts getting into LOLrandom territory the story becomes like every other LOLrandom story. It'd be nicer to just read about a silly wooper than LOLrandom that seems caused by fatal poisoning.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6694153/1/Life_without_love_is_Shortcake_without_Strawberies
Drabble = 100 words exactly. It's a specific writing exercise designed to help authors pay attention to word choice. It does not mean any short fic you threw together.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Anyway, like so many of these it's just two teenage OCs doing something that isn't particularly engaging. Just giving them the same names doesn't make them interesting to read about.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6694284/1/Christmas_Surprise
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Periods are not optional.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6694285/1/Mystery_of_the_Shadow_Islands
Don't write out character bios, if it matters it belongs in the story if it doesn't it shouldn't be mentioned at all.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You really should use said more. Said is invisible. You should only use other words occasionally, when you mean to draw attention to how it's being said.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6694366/1/Its_Lonely_at_the_Top
[So this little Shonnan-ai fic popped up. ]
It's shounen. Means boy, doesn't get capitalized. Next time just write in your own language.
[He could see Pallet town, Viridian city, The Pokémon league, and even New Bark Town. ]
Capitalization follows rules. You capitalize all of a name, not part of it, and you don't capitalize random words.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Write out numbers with letters.
Don't use ' for thoughts, it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse. As long as you put a "he thought" at the end you generally don't need any markers, anyway.
['If it's an evolution of Togepi then that means it must be part flying type. ]
Uh, no. Togepi is normal. Its evolution is part flying, but as that very example shows, pokemon can change type with evolution.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
[He pulled out his Pokéball and sent a shot of red electricity towards Pikachu. It was enveloped and returned into the sphere, where it would wait until Red thought it rested enough. ]
...wtf HEALING ITEMS.
And eh. You don't really explain why Gold is in love with Red, or even much about why Red thinks being alone is so important.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6694542/1/Family
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
...and not really seeing the plot here. He gets jumped by a bunch of wild pokemon, which I suppose could be suspenseful but he doesn't seem to worry about being in danger. Instead he just comes off as smug and sueish.
[On its head perched two silver horns that curved viciously into razor sharp points. As if these weren't enough, a pure black tail that was reminiscent of the devil swished back and forth behind it.
Like its tail, the majority of its body was covered in sleek black fur apart from two instances. The first was its under belly which was an orangey, red color, and the second was around its jaw which was the same color.
Razor sharp teeth could be seen whenever it spewed flames, and a small black nose was constantly twitching; detecting anything and everything it could. Silver bands were on the ankles of its four legs, and they glinted majestically.
Similar silver bone like items curled around its neck in a similar manner to a collar. This collar like thing was finished off by a circular silver shape on its neck. Finally the Pokémon had four more silver bands that curved around its slender back.]
This is a ridiculous level of description. Instead of painting a clear picture it goes so far as to just be confusing.
...and now it's people I don't know talking about nothing much.
[One of the most interesting things about her was the bright pink hair that sat atop her head. It fell down past her shoulder in length, and was only just out of her eyes; her fringe, at one point, spiked down in between her eyes, and covered her ears completely.
Her eyes, like her hair, were also pink and were unique among most people. In terms of height she wasn't overly tall and the teen was a good head and a bit taller than her.
She wore a relatively simple outfit, and didn't need to be wrapped up, because of the heat that the house was radiating. A pair of dark blue skinny jeans and a simple white t-shirt with a button up collar was situated on her body, the outfit just right for a fourteen year old.]
No, really, the paragraphs of description thing is obnoxious. Also pink hair, really?
...why are these people still talking about nothing of importance?
...still going on.
...really, just get to the point. I don't care that you and your friends love these characters and could listen to them talk in circles all week. If you're posting this for other people to read, it needs to have some sort of reason.
Blocked! Seems I reviewed them earlier. I need a better way of keeping track.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6694565/1/True_Love_Pearlshipping
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6694763/1/Pokemon_Three_of_a_Kind_Saga_2
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Don't write phonic accents, they're infuriating to read.
Also, this is far too short for a first chapter. You don't need to start a new chapter with each new scene. This should go in front of your next chapter, not by itself.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6695050/1/Turts_Hoenn_Journey
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, in any other constructions like my/her/the mom it's written as such.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
["That was an excellent battle you two," Birch commented. "Since you were going to obtain your starter today, would you like to take Treecko as your starter?"
"Actually, I was planning to get Treecko from the beginning," I replied back.]
How absurdly convenient.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6695060/1/Wolves_of_Mt_Coronet_Book_One
Don't capitalize random words.
This is far too short for a first chapter. You don't need to start a new chapter with each new scene. This should go in front of your next chapter, not by itself.
[So that is my crappy, cliche prologue. Hopefuly the story will be better. ]
Next time, actually keep writing and don't post until you've gotten to the story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6695081/1/Flower_garden_porposal
Full of basic, lazy errors. Proofread better.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6695590/1/Pokemon_Coldest
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[It is always maidens who are chosen. Young, pure, and unmarried females that are taken away, one each week. We do not know how the Absol know our names and we dare not ask. When they are taken, they are never seen again. There are many rumors, however, of what became of them. ]
That sounds like a really good reason for everyone to have sex as soon a puberty hits.
This is...pretty meh. It's got decent early buildup, about why the absol are doing this and then what sort of thing can make an ice type feel cold, and then it just goes nowhere. She's killed and the plot just treads water for the other half of the story to finally end with someone else dealing with the problem. It'd have been better to just end on the reveal. If you really want to show it's defeated in the end, switch to the milotic's viewpoint for that.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6695684/1/Pokemon_Ranger_Mystery_Mesprit
[This is my first pokemon Fanfiction so ]
Don't capitalize random words.
[Pokemon Pokemon Pokemon Pokemon Pokemon Pokemon Pokemon Pokemon Pokemon ]
This is a bad line break This is a bad line break This is a bad line break This is a bad line break
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6695715/1/The_Hearts_Captured
[Summary: Suzy, Misty, May, Leaf, and Dawn are sisters. But not ordinary ones. They're assassins with a twist. They're not like normal spies; they have powers as well – along with Pokémon.]
In other words, they're OCs. Just admit it and move on, it's not like there aren't plenty of other OC fics.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Don't write out character bios, if it matters it belongs in the fic and if it doesn't then it doesn't.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
When used in place of a name, it's written Dad, not dad. It's only in constructions like my/her/the dad that it's written as such.
Write out numbers with letters.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6695718/1/Blush
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6696064/1/Pokemon_the_Same_at_Heart
Your formatting is a mess.
Write out numbers with letters.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
[Me: Short. Its a prologue. if you care about the length *ahem* GET THE HELL OVER IT!* ]
If you care about writing, get over yourself.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6696276/1/darkrais_little_girl
Terrible, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6696456/1/The_Story_of_Lucario
Terrible, get a beta reader.
Would have gotten more done but my laptop's getting screwy again.
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no subject
Date: 2011-01-31 05:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-31 08:19 pm (UTC)The best of I can think of for a story with minimal moral debates but pokemon as characters would be one where the pokemon's great drive in life is to become (with their human dragged along) the Pokemon League Champion by beating the shit out of anyone in his way. But by toning down the slavery/cock-fighting aspects of it, it would be no more interesting than any other OT fic, and certainly nothing like your Pokemon Revolution & related 'verse.
no subject
Date: 2011-01-31 08:44 pm (UTC)It actually isn't that hard to shift around, though. You need to explain why a pokemon would want to be, and change things around so that attacking wild pokemon doesn't happen - battles have to be initiated by both parties and retreating if outmatched is allowed. The problem is this removes what little conflict OT fics have, and it makes everything even more kiddy feeling, since it requires all wild pokemon to be civilized herbivores following a universal standard of behavior.
no subject
Date: 2011-01-31 09:47 pm (UTC)Yeah, I've never much seen the problem to be honest. Battling with a trainer is for a number of reasons (near instant healing, backup of a team, sporting rather than dog-eat-dog atmosphere of wild, the same advantages of having say a boxing trainer, tactics and strategy on the field, assuming pokemon are worse at these last two things which frankly canon doesn't entirelybear out because gosh isn't that Ash kid terrible) the easiest path to becoming a vastly powerful being.
I would probably assume that pokemon have an affinity for their element(s) also that would make growing stronger a kind of spiritual thing of self-expression, rather than just a way to blow things up. Either way, it's hardly some great work of contrivance to imagine a species (or kingdom? honestly it's not important) from which you'd get a lot of takers. I mean, I can think of plenty of humans who'd jump - battling seems far easier than, to recycle my comparisons, boxing; the standard of medical care in pokemon is such that unless you're incredibly stupid a pokemon is not going to feel much pain at all, as it's healed almost before adrenaline can wear off.
I mean if anything's a problem it's the control, not the brutality. I think it's quite easy to justify the brutality in pokemon, or gloss it over. The franchise certainly does the latter. On the other hand, I think pokemon's probably one of the better candidates for the darker and edgier stuff, even if that stuff is regardless absurd, as it's easy to construe its setting as quite a terrifying place.
Tangentially, it's interesting how indirect a trainer's power is compared to other heroic coming of age stories (is that what pokemon even is? I mean I assumed it was and then we got trapped in some kind of peter pan thing, and even though Ash's pretty much emancipated it doesn't ever even seem to be a thing) or shounen or whatever. They're kind of supervisors to the growth of others, rather than undergoing it. They never get super powers or whatever - they remain weak, vulnerable humans. There is always the threat, embodied by the nefarious Team Rocket and their pilfering ways, that this power can be stolen, lost forever, no matter how hard the journey was.
I guess if I were to go on the whole 'battling = bad' thing, I could make a bit out of this. Nothing what you said earlier about the way this twists the sacrificial body trope of shounen, where it's another guy you're pushing to get beaten down again and again, I might say there's another way this affects tropes appropriated. Pokemon are used like a character in one of these shows might use magical abilites fused with their self, which necessarily reduces the pokemon itself to a biologiocal weapon, a tool of the trainer.
One of the things I'm trying to jam in to ff is the idea that a powerful, experienced trainer might fantasise about more direct transformation - being able to fly themselves, for example, through the fiction in their world.
Anyway, that's probably enough disquisition for the moment.
no subject
Date: 2011-01-31 10:12 pm (UTC)They're kind of supervisors to the growth of others, rather than undergoing it.
I actually don't think the format is too unusual - the pokemon fit very closely with the hero who has to have a magical item to use their power. The power of a pokemon is either attributed to the trainer or the trainer is told to find strong pokemon to fight with, but very little focus is actually on the pokemon's own ability. In fact it's pretty impressive how strongly "knows strategy" and "has physically impressive pokemon" is conflated, and Ash's relative winning ability remains stable as he replaces pokemon. It only gets weird when we treat pokemon as their own separate creatures, but unfortunately they never managed to actually explain that away.
no subject
Date: 2011-01-31 10:34 pm (UTC)Fix that and I suppose it isn't that novel - there are plenty of heroes who rely on magical items which are sentient, but I'm having trouble thinking of many where the item itself grows over the course of the journey (or even their ability to use its power). Such things tend to be artifacts or heirloom of pretty static power.
no subject
Date: 2011-02-01 12:09 am (UTC)The item growing in power tends to be what happens effectively, even if it's not admitted by the narrative. Most shonen style things have a very strong level up bias they just rationalize in different ways. If it's explicit, then the character gets better at using the weapon or uncovers distinct powerups. If not, it's simply that hero keeps fighting stronger and stronger enemies without losing, and by the end can easily take out enemies that would have been a two-episode boss fight originally.