Homestuck Reviews!
May. 7th, 2011 11:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/6217038/1/Sopor_and_Silence
This feels padded and overstuffed. There's a lot of words for very little payoff. And the characters feel rather flat - Karkat's rage is generic and doesn't sound like his normal rants, and both of them act and talk little different than human characters.
["Nothing." Nepeta said. ]
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[Her gaze was still predatory, he noted, but now he could see why. It was the look of a cornered animal, wide-eyed and desperate, ready to kill without hesitation to save itself. ]
Then it isn't predatory. Predatory is the look of something preying on something else for food, not the look of something scared and willing to fight in self-defense. You could say Karkat had mistaken her gaze for predatory when it was actually scared, but you can't say it was predatory because she was scared.
[ And I think you're pathetically weak, especially for coming out here and confiding in me, then trying to find out how the hell I feel about you."
"Karkat?"
"Yeah?"
"Are you saying you...pity me?"
"...I guess?"
Nepeta practically vibrated with happiness. "I knew it!" Suddenly she was pressed up right against Karkat. He felt even more hot and uncomfortable, though not in an entirely unpleasant way.
"Oh great, just because I don't think you're pathetic]
This is part of why they sound really human. It's like you wrote a human conversation, and then replaced a couple words, like "like" with "pity", leading to the nonsense here where he says she's pathetic, she says that means he pities her, but then apparently this means she's not pathetic.
The basic storyline you have here is okay, but you spend forever getting there and everything's dragged out to the point it's frustrating. The fact it's overflowing with irrelevant side comments and description makes it worse.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6661820/1/Sacrifice
[The sky was pitch black and filled with darkness when they did finally meet. ]
...they're in the middle of space, of course it is, and isn't it a bit redundant to say it's black and dark?
[ Alternia had been dark, sure. But at least it still had a sense of time and night and day and freaking balance. ]
Given the trolls are active at night and avoid sun on their home planet because it kills them, why would it be a big deal to Karkat that it's perpetually dark? Why is he going on about how much he misses the day/night cycle when the day part of that was full of searing death and zombies?
[ Despite being extremely rude to them to say at the least, he still cared about two of the four kids as close friends. ]
But it's fine if Jack murdered the other two? Look, just because it's shipfic doesn't mean you should portray Karkat as a sociopathic asshole who only cares about people if he's interested in them romantically.
[The human girl Rose was still glowing a slight purple from use of her magic. The second tallest in the group and shapeless, she had a hand on John's shoulder as if to steady herself. ]
What on earth does "shapeless" mean? And your sentence construction is terrible.
...and Dave is nondescript while John is muscular.
[ Despite her thinness, she still had curves. ]
So you're turning her into a girlfriend sue. You have Karkat saying she's thin to the point it looks like she doesn't eat right. If she's that thin, no, she doesn't have curves in all the right places. Even the very rare people who are curvy and thin wouldn't look like they weren't eating right, because curves are made of flesh, mostly fat.
This is really bad writing. The characters Karkat likes just happen to have turned out to look great while the characters he doesn't care about just happen to look boring when they show up in person.
[John offered her his hand for support. She took it gratefully, smiling, and Karkat felt that burning feeling in the pit of his stomach again. Calm down, Karkat, he told himself, They're siblings. There's no reason to be jealous. ]
The trolls have no concept of siblings.
And now it's all about how soft and weak her voice is. You know, Karkat only starts acting interested toward her once she's in FUCK YOU mode.
["Is something wrong?" she asked, and even though she was addressing the crowd, she was looking right at him.
Karkat nodded, feeling that his voice was unworthy for her to hear, and she was speaking again.]
...so he nods in agreement there's something wrong, and then she starts talking again and continues the conversation?
...and then he abruptly kisses her.
So, you never really get into why he likes her, beyond that she's starved yet curvy and has a delicate voice, which does not really paint a very nice picture of his reasons, and then he kisses her, and everyone happy about it. There's no real plot or character explanation, just two characters who are going to be in love because they are, which isn't a story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6675789/1/Thought_we_were_alone
Capitalize your title properly.
[This is based off a dream I had a few nights ago, total CRACK ]
Always a bad sign. Look, when you have a dream that doesn't make sense or have a real storyline, but happened to have some fandom reference? Doesn't make it fanfic.
[Hogwarts had opened a sort of special exchange program in an effort to keep the school's image a high one. They'd opened their doors to a handful of outsiders as a trial run of the program. The outsiders were six boys. ]
Given Hogwarts isn't single sex, why are only the guys part of the exchange?
[Karkat had easily established his place at the grump, successfully keeping the humans at a distance. Not even Malfoy and his goons dared incite the small troll's anger. They'd teased him within the first week, causing Karkat to cuss up a storm so fierce, even Snape was rendered speechless. ]
You realize everyone else has MAGIC POWERS, right? I really don't think harsh language is that big of a deal. Plus, house points? Or are they not in a house at all?
...and all the other trolls save Tavros drive them off with varying types of glare. MAGIC POWERS. Even if the trolls were immune to magic, they're not immune to magically summoning something and dropping it on their head. Also, it's really fucking boring that they all handle it like this. Someone like Sollux who can kill people with his brain might get respect, and Eridan might find common ground and become friends with the group.
[He'd been deemed a perfect target, taking Malfoy's insults like he did with Vriska. The three wizards relentlessly cornered him day after day, enjoying how the troll flinched at their harsh words. ]
Uh, were you paying any attention to how Vriska harassed him? He did a great job of letting even her level of abuse pass with little reaction, and she not only knew what to say to insult him, she was able to actually harm him. If he can put up with her trying to force him to crawl up stairs, I really don't think Malfoy calling him a pansy will be that big of a deal.
[The six trolls had been studying like good students ]
No, really, it's incredibly boring that six very different characters are all acting exactly the same way. I mean, really? Karkat is able to sit quietly in the library? Sollux studies with everyone else calmly instead of doing his own thing? Eridan and Equius are fine hanging out with the lower bloods?
And then Tavros loses his temper and starts yelling like Karkat. God, I really hate this kind of fic. That's not his character. He won't get mad in exactly the way you want him to.
["Don't worry, I'm leaving," he growled, shouldering his bag and storming out into the hall.
Equius stared after him. "I am so turned on right now," ]
This fic is stupidly OOC.
And now Equius is raping Tavros but it's okay because he's fine with it. My, this was a waste of time.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6714021/1/Knight_of_Blood
[ Sollux was Karkat's best friend; Kanaya, his moirail. But Terezi... Terezi was something more to him, and the thought of losing her was simply not an option. ]
Uh. Not only are moirails and matesprits both considered romantic, but platonic relationships in general can be just as strong as sexual ones. It's kind of creepy for Karkat to be casually ranking his friends on whose death he'd be more devastated by.
[ Long ago, he had waxed red for her, but it was never something he could bring himself to admit, even after their "incident." ]
I know we don't see exactly how things went, but even if they hadn't officially become a couple, Terezi made it clear enough she was interested that I don't see why Karkat would have been too nervous to say anything by the time they're in the veil. He seems like he has other things on his mind, not that he's eaten up inside but can't bring himself to admit things.
This is decent enough - the storyline works, although given Karkat's self-loathing I'd have liked to see more done with that connected to his power, instead of just realizing it when he tries. But in terms of characters, the way Karkat says that things are fine as long as Terezi's okay makes him seem awful. A lot of his friends are dead, but instead of it being treated as not wanting to lose Terezi /too/ it's as if as long as he has Terezi the rest of the deaths are no big deal. He was friends with all of them.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6727777/1/I_Hate_You_But_I_Love_You
You know, you should try posting on AooO - they don't delete porn there (and sooner or later some asshole group is going to go through doing that).
[It was just Kismesis marking! ]
Yeah that shouldn't be capitalized.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[ When he and Sollux got into it, and they were matesprits ]
...uh. No problem if someone writes a fic /about/ that pairing, but as a side reference it's pretty weird. He and Terezi are a relatively canon pairing, and you kind of need to explain how things have gotten from that to matesprits with Sollux, especially when what interaction they do have seems like spades-flirting if anything.
...you know, I can understand Karkat being thrown by non-bitey sex, but not why that means he sits quivering and blushing and letting Dave do whatever he wants and otherwise acting like a timid virgin. He's really not a passive character. What you have here is him occasionally yelling or demanding, but not actually doing anything based on that. The actual fic feels like it's about two generic characters, with some dialogue and references added in to make it Homestuck-themed.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6728412/1/Mind_Rape
Meh, that wasn't particularly mindrapey and it feels rushed. It's just the same lines in scene we saw, but repeated slightly reworded several times over. It doesn't really expand things or say anything new. It's not even quite accurate - he was already pushed to the edge of the cliff, she didn't make him run over to it.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6731040/1/Pupa_Pan_Pie
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[although he could feel the metal parts digging into the gimpy parts of his body, he couldn't actually feel them. ]
What on earth does that mean? Also, "gimpy"? Really?
[The clown proved to be far better at popping wheelies with the strange device than trying to balance atop that stupid unicycle of his, and the long-horned troll ]
Please don't use irrelevant epithets.
[Then he wouldn't have to worry about his legs being crippled and gimpy and utterly useless.]
You seem to be using pretty much every word you can think of but "paralyzed", which is the correct one.
...oh jesus really? Gamzee took his wheelchair to force him to sit there and chat about feelings until Gamzee's satisfied? That's not cute or caring, that's incredibly controlling and fucked up.
...and now he's throwing stuff at Tavros to force Tavros to realize he's good at dodging. You know, this is basically what Vriska does to him. If this kind of thing was at all something that was helpful to Tavros as opposed to abusive, he wouldn't be paralyzed right now.
And now he's grabbed the chair and is wheeling Tavros somewhere. You know, I just scrolled up to check the genre in the hopes you're aware of this and it's meant to be creepy and messed up, and hey, Humor/Friendship. Guess not. And now he's sending Tavros flying out of the chair, which I guess is really funny?
Gamzee isn't a crazy asshole when from the slime, he's stoned and relaxed all the time, so this is pretty OOC.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6742073/1/Troll_Adventures
Write out numbers with letters. Also, &? Just write "and". It's just one more keystroke.
You really shouldn't switch POV all the time. It's especially unnecessary when almost all of the story is dialogue. Just write it in third person.
Speaking of dialogue, you really need to cut down on it. A lot of the conversations are rambly and could be condensed, and more narration would help balance things and give a better sense of the setting. A lot of things are too rushed - Dave sees Terezi's treehouse, then jumps straight to talking to her.
You should consider posting on AooO - chats in general and the spelling/grammar quirks of the kids are banned on FFN, and sooner or later someone's going to go through getting them deleted.
Speaking of which, you've confused John and Dave's typing quirk. Dave doesn't use any punctuation.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6747176/1/As_If_In_Uncertainty
[ in my head-canon, Eridan is about eighteen and Equius is nineteen, pushing twenty. ]
...why? They're all the same age in canon.
Um. As the first troll game showed, Equius is fine getting bossed around by Karkat. He thinks it's depraved, but he's certainly not furious about it, just embarrassed he likes being bossed around by someone low.
[Had any other troll touched Equius' horn like that, he would have cheerfully punched a hole through their spine for their brazen assumption, ]
Aradia beat the shit out of him and then they made out. Equius is really, really not a dominant guy. It's not that highbloods are an exception, he's like that to everyone, he just prefers highbloods because he's hung up on the caste system. And he's spent much of his life trying to have enough control not to punch holes in things.
[Most trolls, when visiting another's private living area, were shy about it, hesitant, taking care to avoid offense. ]
...I really can't think of any of the trolls "taking care to avoid offense" at all. They're /trolls/. And they quite gleefully messed each others' homes up at the beginning of the game.
[clown-faced highblood and his little crippled moirail ]
A moirail isn't a friend, it's a calm troll paired with an aggressive one to keep them in check. Both Gamzee and Tavros were extremely calm even for trolls, they wouldn't be moirails.
You have the Equius-Eridan dynamic down fine, but everything else is terribly off.
I like the ending of this. It's a bit abrupt, but different than usual while still making sense for the characters.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6752720/1/Need
Hm. I like the concept of this and the ending is quite nice, but it's overlong. You spend far too much time setting up a explanation about a mentor system and other stuff that doesn't really matter, which distracts from the situation at hand and overcomplicates the relationship between the characters.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6763113/1/What_Friends_Are_For
You know, you should try posting on AooO - they don't have a rule against porn there, while eventually someone will report this and it'll be deleted.
...you really, really don't need to write out Sollux' lisp. It's irritating to read.
I find it a bit disappointing that they're quite 0kay with the whole thing after the initial uncertainty and that they're otherwise exactly like humans, right down to the bucket only being brought up after sex. But I suppose the point of this was sex and the rest is just setup.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6763174/1/John_Pester_Rose
You should consider posting on AooO - chats in general and the spelling/grammar quirks of the kids are banned on FFN, as is porn and sooner or later someone's going to go through getting them deleted.
[TT: Have you talked to Dave or Jade recently, by any chance?
EB: err. a bit, i guess. they've been kind of busy with their weird e-date things lately.]
Unexplained side pairings are kind of annoying. This seems to be taking place pre-Sburb, given John's biggest issue is avoiding his dad giving him baked goods and they sound pretty much like they did then. Pre-sburb, Dave and Jade didn't act like they were together at all. Surely there's a better way of working in stripping? Rose could easily have heard it somewhere else, their lives don't have to completely revolve around the foursome.
You do a good job of their voices and the snark about the game is amusing.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6763459/1/First_Taste
You know, you should try posting on AooO - they don't have a rule against porn there, while eventually someone will report this and it'll be deleted.
[he stepped foot into the Libran's treehive. ]
Either he stepped into or he set foot in. Also, the kids made the zodiac based on themselves, they're not governed by it, and you just generally shouldn't use a description that isn't relevant to what's going on at the moment.
[ Karkat, uneasy from the freakish display of plush dragons with their fate around their necks in the branches outside, made him fiercely regret coming here ]
...I'm not even sure quite how that sentence went so wrong. The way it's set up, the uneasy section should be an aside from the rest of the sentence, which means you can't follow with "made him". So you could write that "The freakish display of plush dragons with their fate around their necks in the branches outside made him fiercely regret coming here", or you could cut out the bit about "made him fiercely regret" entirely, but you definitely can't cram the two together.
['Seriously' he thought to himself ]
['Candy apple,' Terezi grinned ]
Thoughts follow the same punctuation rules as dialogue, so you need a comma at the end of the first one and the second one should have a period in place of a comma. Also, don't use ' to mark thoughts, it's too close to the quotation marks for spoken speech. Italics alone do fine.
[Are you expecting me to hug you and give you pity? If you are, you should know me better by now, and you'd have a better chance going to Kanaya or something."
"I don't want you to treat me like a damn measly grub. Stop being stupid, Terezi."]
Pity governs redrom, not something for kids, remember?
[your's ]
When it's a pronoun, there's no apostrophe, it's just "yours".
[this information escaping Karkat's mind piquing her attention ]
...what? She doesn't have psychic powers, and if this is just a really flowery way of saying he's talking, please stop, it's not good writing, it's just irritating to try to decipher.
If a sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[She batted her tongue against his lips and shoved it inside, hooking onto his own tongue and biting it briskly, "So sick of possibly being the only one who hasn't put his bulge into his matesprit yet. ]
Is she seriously talking while biting his tongue. How would that even work.
[She snarled in a frustrated tone, trying to get up before Karkat roughly shoved her back beneath him. "Ngh, what do you think you're doing?"
"'Expressing my feeeeelings', bitch! What does it look like!" He nipped at her throat, sucking at her pulse as he placed his hands upon her hips. "I'm sick of it...sick of you toying with me and fucking with my head. You want my bulge in you?" Karkat gripped hold of her shirt and jerked it up with impatient vigor. At the sight of her breasts popping out from beneath the fabric, he smirked viciously with a lustful hunger that desperately needed to be fed, muttering under his breath, "You got it, teal tits...it's my turn to taste..."]
...and now it's getting misogynistic and disappointing. Instead of her reciprocating, she tries to get away while Karkat starts insulting her and saying she was asking for it. Is it really that hard to avoid this? At least it gets somewhat more mutual, although it's still mostly Karkat demanding she do things and her fighting back a bit. Considering the story starts with the idea she wants him and Karkat is a loudmouth, not a complete asshole, I really don't get why things go this way.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6772107/1/A_Size_Too_Small
Quite nice. My only real complaint is the bit about love - it's not something they really have words for, so I don't think Vriska would be talking about it in those terms.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6783310/1/Miracles
[Every living Mothafuckin' thing I see]
[It's my right as a Troll.]
Why the capital letters? Sober Gamzee alternates ALL CAPS with none, he doesn't capitalize the first letter of a couple words.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[the real Gamzee was still in control ]
Uh, as Gamzee explains, he thinks he's both "mirthful messiahs", both of whom are killing people. It's not nice Gamzee vs mean Gamzee. It's possible to treat it as three personalities, but the murderous Gamzee is two, it's why he switches around capitalization like that.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6783415/1/Of_Orphans_and_Murderers
["There were innocents down there! I think some bombs even hit them!" CD said sadly, almost shrilly.]
"Innocents" is kind of a weird concept under the circumstances. If caravans like theirs aren't supposed to be targets, why not just have him say it's a caravan? How does this all work, anyway? If Derse doesn't aim for them normally, why would Prospitian soldiers be there to escort? At best they'd be useless and at worst they'd be attracting enemy fire.
Also, sad and shrill are pretty different sounds, pick one.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[Lets go." ]
Let's. It's short for "let us".
[DD gave the other pyrotechnic carapaces to continue launching at the enemy]
Dropped a word there.
...so, what /is/ Jack doing down there? I'd have assumed he was there to personally stab any survivors, but he thinks there aren't any.
[ He called out weekly. ]
Weakly.
[She looked up at him, but remained sitting, and now Karkat could see that she had been crying. She must be so scared, Karkat thought, but they couldn't waste time. They had to get to Prospit, past the armies, and the heat was growing more and more intense. He helped her up by force and lifted her onto his back, holding her by the legs.
"Hold onto my shoulders," he ordered, and she did, but still she was so unresponsive.]
This is kind of disappointing. Why exactly is Aradia the weak one? She was a FLARPer and explorer, and she's pretty badass in canon, while Karkat faints at the sight of other people's blood and stands around watching killing sprees instead of fighting back.
["Looks like you were wright, CD." ]
Please. Get a beta reader. This is ridiculous.
And now you're twisting things to try to force them to adopt the kids. Look, any premise can be done well, but some are easier than others. Showing the characters feeling mild guilt, explaining that something terrible would happen if they weren't taken, suggesting they might be useful to the group, that would work. Just having CD say they should doesn't cut it, and it's OOC that they're even standing around discussing it.
["Jack Noir and Draconian Dignitary, you are going to make this up to those kids and you are going to take care of them or so help me I will load your rooms with bombs!" CD practically snarled. ]
Ridiculously OOC now.
["Jack, we can't stay in Derse anymore." CD said.
Wait, what? That... was appealing and yet... oddly stupid. Maybe it was because CD said it.
"A warring society is no society for children!" CD insisted.]
Indescribably OOC and forced. Really, you should have spent more time trying to explain it, or if you really couldn't, skip over the explanation entirely and just start with things already like that.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6794490/1/Bright
Painfully well done. The way you describe everything is lovely, both in general and the way it shows how starstruck Kanaya is. I like the little glimpses of how things are going with the rest of their world, and the way her relationship with Rose grows.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6799718/1/A_Very_Homestuck_Christmas
You should consider posting on AooO - chats in general and the spelling/grammar quirks of the kids are banned on FFN, and sooner or later someone's going to go through getting them deleted. It also won't cut out some of your symbols, so you can write things like Equius' quirk properly.
[CG: I WANT A GIANT STATUE IN MY LIKENESS.
CG: EVERY PIECE OF IT WOULD BE EXCRUTIATINGLY DETAILED AND LIFE-LIKE. ALL OF YOU, AS LIFE-SIZED STATUES, WOULD FORM A CIRCLE AROUND ME, BOWING TO MY VERY PRESENSE AND THE FACT THAT MY STONE BONE BULGE BARELY FITS INTO MY ROCK HARD PANTS.
EB: umm…okay?
CG: OH WAIT.
CG: I CAN JUST ALCHEMIZE IT.
CG: IN FACT, I JUST DID. I'LL SEND YOU A PICTURE, IT'S PRETTY FUCKING GLORIOUS. IT SOMEHOW MANAGES TO CAPTURE THE PURE AND UTTER HATRED I HAVE FOR EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU.]
Oh, Karkat. Never stop being hilarious.
[ For Dave, the three other kids decided upon doing guest strips of Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff; for Rose, a blank book, for her to continue writing wizard fan fiction that he wasn't supposed to know about. Jade's gift was almost finished; being a Bec plush that Rose was helping him put together. ]
Wow, Rose really lost out. A leatherbound book covered with eldritch runes for her to use, sure. But just a blank book? She's probably got a pile of them already.
[You had them lying around at home, surprisingly not destroyed by imps. Of course, you gave her copies of them, but she'll probably be too busy swooning to notice. ]
You really shouldn't dip into second person like this. I know there's a lot of it in fandom, but it's pretty jarring here.
[a mixture of anger of sadness ]
Second "of" should be an "and", I presume?
Anyway, cute enough, though I wish there was more time spent on the other trolls. Vriska's attempted theft was nice enough, but lacked flair.
What I find interesting is there are several different subtypes. There's a particular kind of plotless bland that I associate with the forum threads and author's notes about never writing fanfic before, there's your typical FFN newbie, your typical overwrought stagers, and stuff that's just there for ship purposes.
The majority of them had decent grammar, even.
This feels padded and overstuffed. There's a lot of words for very little payoff. And the characters feel rather flat - Karkat's rage is generic and doesn't sound like his normal rants, and both of them act and talk little different than human characters.
["Nothing." Nepeta said. ]
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[Her gaze was still predatory, he noted, but now he could see why. It was the look of a cornered animal, wide-eyed and desperate, ready to kill without hesitation to save itself. ]
Then it isn't predatory. Predatory is the look of something preying on something else for food, not the look of something scared and willing to fight in self-defense. You could say Karkat had mistaken her gaze for predatory when it was actually scared, but you can't say it was predatory because she was scared.
[ And I think you're pathetically weak, especially for coming out here and confiding in me, then trying to find out how the hell I feel about you."
"Karkat?"
"Yeah?"
"Are you saying you...pity me?"
"...I guess?"
Nepeta practically vibrated with happiness. "I knew it!" Suddenly she was pressed up right against Karkat. He felt even more hot and uncomfortable, though not in an entirely unpleasant way.
"Oh great, just because I don't think you're pathetic]
This is part of why they sound really human. It's like you wrote a human conversation, and then replaced a couple words, like "like" with "pity", leading to the nonsense here where he says she's pathetic, she says that means he pities her, but then apparently this means she's not pathetic.
The basic storyline you have here is okay, but you spend forever getting there and everything's dragged out to the point it's frustrating. The fact it's overflowing with irrelevant side comments and description makes it worse.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6661820/1/Sacrifice
[The sky was pitch black and filled with darkness when they did finally meet. ]
...they're in the middle of space, of course it is, and isn't it a bit redundant to say it's black and dark?
[ Alternia had been dark, sure. But at least it still had a sense of time and night and day and freaking balance. ]
Given the trolls are active at night and avoid sun on their home planet because it kills them, why would it be a big deal to Karkat that it's perpetually dark? Why is he going on about how much he misses the day/night cycle when the day part of that was full of searing death and zombies?
[ Despite being extremely rude to them to say at the least, he still cared about two of the four kids as close friends. ]
But it's fine if Jack murdered the other two? Look, just because it's shipfic doesn't mean you should portray Karkat as a sociopathic asshole who only cares about people if he's interested in them romantically.
[The human girl Rose was still glowing a slight purple from use of her magic. The second tallest in the group and shapeless, she had a hand on John's shoulder as if to steady herself. ]
What on earth does "shapeless" mean? And your sentence construction is terrible.
...and Dave is nondescript while John is muscular.
[ Despite her thinness, she still had curves. ]
So you're turning her into a girlfriend sue. You have Karkat saying she's thin to the point it looks like she doesn't eat right. If she's that thin, no, she doesn't have curves in all the right places. Even the very rare people who are curvy and thin wouldn't look like they weren't eating right, because curves are made of flesh, mostly fat.
This is really bad writing. The characters Karkat likes just happen to have turned out to look great while the characters he doesn't care about just happen to look boring when they show up in person.
[John offered her his hand for support. She took it gratefully, smiling, and Karkat felt that burning feeling in the pit of his stomach again. Calm down, Karkat, he told himself, They're siblings. There's no reason to be jealous. ]
The trolls have no concept of siblings.
And now it's all about how soft and weak her voice is. You know, Karkat only starts acting interested toward her once she's in FUCK YOU mode.
["Is something wrong?" she asked, and even though she was addressing the crowd, she was looking right at him.
Karkat nodded, feeling that his voice was unworthy for her to hear, and she was speaking again.]
...so he nods in agreement there's something wrong, and then she starts talking again and continues the conversation?
...and then he abruptly kisses her.
So, you never really get into why he likes her, beyond that she's starved yet curvy and has a delicate voice, which does not really paint a very nice picture of his reasons, and then he kisses her, and everyone happy about it. There's no real plot or character explanation, just two characters who are going to be in love because they are, which isn't a story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6675789/1/Thought_we_were_alone
Capitalize your title properly.
[This is based off a dream I had a few nights ago, total CRACK ]
Always a bad sign. Look, when you have a dream that doesn't make sense or have a real storyline, but happened to have some fandom reference? Doesn't make it fanfic.
[Hogwarts had opened a sort of special exchange program in an effort to keep the school's image a high one. They'd opened their doors to a handful of outsiders as a trial run of the program. The outsiders were six boys. ]
Given Hogwarts isn't single sex, why are only the guys part of the exchange?
[Karkat had easily established his place at the grump, successfully keeping the humans at a distance. Not even Malfoy and his goons dared incite the small troll's anger. They'd teased him within the first week, causing Karkat to cuss up a storm so fierce, even Snape was rendered speechless. ]
You realize everyone else has MAGIC POWERS, right? I really don't think harsh language is that big of a deal. Plus, house points? Or are they not in a house at all?
...and all the other trolls save Tavros drive them off with varying types of glare. MAGIC POWERS. Even if the trolls were immune to magic, they're not immune to magically summoning something and dropping it on their head. Also, it's really fucking boring that they all handle it like this. Someone like Sollux who can kill people with his brain might get respect, and Eridan might find common ground and become friends with the group.
[He'd been deemed a perfect target, taking Malfoy's insults like he did with Vriska. The three wizards relentlessly cornered him day after day, enjoying how the troll flinched at their harsh words. ]
Uh, were you paying any attention to how Vriska harassed him? He did a great job of letting even her level of abuse pass with little reaction, and she not only knew what to say to insult him, she was able to actually harm him. If he can put up with her trying to force him to crawl up stairs, I really don't think Malfoy calling him a pansy will be that big of a deal.
[The six trolls had been studying like good students ]
No, really, it's incredibly boring that six very different characters are all acting exactly the same way. I mean, really? Karkat is able to sit quietly in the library? Sollux studies with everyone else calmly instead of doing his own thing? Eridan and Equius are fine hanging out with the lower bloods?
And then Tavros loses his temper and starts yelling like Karkat. God, I really hate this kind of fic. That's not his character. He won't get mad in exactly the way you want him to.
["Don't worry, I'm leaving," he growled, shouldering his bag and storming out into the hall.
Equius stared after him. "I am so turned on right now," ]
This fic is stupidly OOC.
And now Equius is raping Tavros but it's okay because he's fine with it. My, this was a waste of time.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6714021/1/Knight_of_Blood
[ Sollux was Karkat's best friend; Kanaya, his moirail. But Terezi... Terezi was something more to him, and the thought of losing her was simply not an option. ]
Uh. Not only are moirails and matesprits both considered romantic, but platonic relationships in general can be just as strong as sexual ones. It's kind of creepy for Karkat to be casually ranking his friends on whose death he'd be more devastated by.
[ Long ago, he had waxed red for her, but it was never something he could bring himself to admit, even after their "incident." ]
I know we don't see exactly how things went, but even if they hadn't officially become a couple, Terezi made it clear enough she was interested that I don't see why Karkat would have been too nervous to say anything by the time they're in the veil. He seems like he has other things on his mind, not that he's eaten up inside but can't bring himself to admit things.
This is decent enough - the storyline works, although given Karkat's self-loathing I'd have liked to see more done with that connected to his power, instead of just realizing it when he tries. But in terms of characters, the way Karkat says that things are fine as long as Terezi's okay makes him seem awful. A lot of his friends are dead, but instead of it being treated as not wanting to lose Terezi /too/ it's as if as long as he has Terezi the rest of the deaths are no big deal. He was friends with all of them.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6727777/1/I_Hate_You_But_I_Love_You
You know, you should try posting on AooO - they don't delete porn there (and sooner or later some asshole group is going to go through doing that).
[It was just Kismesis marking! ]
Yeah that shouldn't be capitalized.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[ When he and Sollux got into it, and they were matesprits ]
...uh. No problem if someone writes a fic /about/ that pairing, but as a side reference it's pretty weird. He and Terezi are a relatively canon pairing, and you kind of need to explain how things have gotten from that to matesprits with Sollux, especially when what interaction they do have seems like spades-flirting if anything.
...you know, I can understand Karkat being thrown by non-bitey sex, but not why that means he sits quivering and blushing and letting Dave do whatever he wants and otherwise acting like a timid virgin. He's really not a passive character. What you have here is him occasionally yelling or demanding, but not actually doing anything based on that. The actual fic feels like it's about two generic characters, with some dialogue and references added in to make it Homestuck-themed.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6728412/1/Mind_Rape
Meh, that wasn't particularly mindrapey and it feels rushed. It's just the same lines in scene we saw, but repeated slightly reworded several times over. It doesn't really expand things or say anything new. It's not even quite accurate - he was already pushed to the edge of the cliff, she didn't make him run over to it.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6731040/1/Pupa_Pan_Pie
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[although he could feel the metal parts digging into the gimpy parts of his body, he couldn't actually feel them. ]
What on earth does that mean? Also, "gimpy"? Really?
[The clown proved to be far better at popping wheelies with the strange device than trying to balance atop that stupid unicycle of his, and the long-horned troll ]
Please don't use irrelevant epithets.
[Then he wouldn't have to worry about his legs being crippled and gimpy and utterly useless.]
You seem to be using pretty much every word you can think of but "paralyzed", which is the correct one.
...oh jesus really? Gamzee took his wheelchair to force him to sit there and chat about feelings until Gamzee's satisfied? That's not cute or caring, that's incredibly controlling and fucked up.
...and now he's throwing stuff at Tavros to force Tavros to realize he's good at dodging. You know, this is basically what Vriska does to him. If this kind of thing was at all something that was helpful to Tavros as opposed to abusive, he wouldn't be paralyzed right now.
And now he's grabbed the chair and is wheeling Tavros somewhere. You know, I just scrolled up to check the genre in the hopes you're aware of this and it's meant to be creepy and messed up, and hey, Humor/Friendship. Guess not. And now he's sending Tavros flying out of the chair, which I guess is really funny?
Gamzee isn't a crazy asshole when from the slime, he's stoned and relaxed all the time, so this is pretty OOC.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6742073/1/Troll_Adventures
Write out numbers with letters. Also, &? Just write "and". It's just one more keystroke.
You really shouldn't switch POV all the time. It's especially unnecessary when almost all of the story is dialogue. Just write it in third person.
Speaking of dialogue, you really need to cut down on it. A lot of the conversations are rambly and could be condensed, and more narration would help balance things and give a better sense of the setting. A lot of things are too rushed - Dave sees Terezi's treehouse, then jumps straight to talking to her.
You should consider posting on AooO - chats in general and the spelling/grammar quirks of the kids are banned on FFN, and sooner or later someone's going to go through getting them deleted.
Speaking of which, you've confused John and Dave's typing quirk. Dave doesn't use any punctuation.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6747176/1/As_If_In_Uncertainty
[ in my head-canon, Eridan is about eighteen and Equius is nineteen, pushing twenty. ]
...why? They're all the same age in canon.
Um. As the first troll game showed, Equius is fine getting bossed around by Karkat. He thinks it's depraved, but he's certainly not furious about it, just embarrassed he likes being bossed around by someone low.
[Had any other troll touched Equius' horn like that, he would have cheerfully punched a hole through their spine for their brazen assumption, ]
Aradia beat the shit out of him and then they made out. Equius is really, really not a dominant guy. It's not that highbloods are an exception, he's like that to everyone, he just prefers highbloods because he's hung up on the caste system. And he's spent much of his life trying to have enough control not to punch holes in things.
[Most trolls, when visiting another's private living area, were shy about it, hesitant, taking care to avoid offense. ]
...I really can't think of any of the trolls "taking care to avoid offense" at all. They're /trolls/. And they quite gleefully messed each others' homes up at the beginning of the game.
[clown-faced highblood and his little crippled moirail ]
A moirail isn't a friend, it's a calm troll paired with an aggressive one to keep them in check. Both Gamzee and Tavros were extremely calm even for trolls, they wouldn't be moirails.
You have the Equius-Eridan dynamic down fine, but everything else is terribly off.
I like the ending of this. It's a bit abrupt, but different than usual while still making sense for the characters.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6752720/1/Need
Hm. I like the concept of this and the ending is quite nice, but it's overlong. You spend far too much time setting up a explanation about a mentor system and other stuff that doesn't really matter, which distracts from the situation at hand and overcomplicates the relationship between the characters.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6763113/1/What_Friends_Are_For
You know, you should try posting on AooO - they don't have a rule against porn there, while eventually someone will report this and it'll be deleted.
...you really, really don't need to write out Sollux' lisp. It's irritating to read.
I find it a bit disappointing that they're quite 0kay with the whole thing after the initial uncertainty and that they're otherwise exactly like humans, right down to the bucket only being brought up after sex. But I suppose the point of this was sex and the rest is just setup.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6763174/1/John_Pester_Rose
You should consider posting on AooO - chats in general and the spelling/grammar quirks of the kids are banned on FFN, as is porn and sooner or later someone's going to go through getting them deleted.
[TT: Have you talked to Dave or Jade recently, by any chance?
EB: err. a bit, i guess. they've been kind of busy with their weird e-date things lately.]
Unexplained side pairings are kind of annoying. This seems to be taking place pre-Sburb, given John's biggest issue is avoiding his dad giving him baked goods and they sound pretty much like they did then. Pre-sburb, Dave and Jade didn't act like they were together at all. Surely there's a better way of working in stripping? Rose could easily have heard it somewhere else, their lives don't have to completely revolve around the foursome.
You do a good job of their voices and the snark about the game is amusing.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6763459/1/First_Taste
You know, you should try posting on AooO - they don't have a rule against porn there, while eventually someone will report this and it'll be deleted.
[he stepped foot into the Libran's treehive. ]
Either he stepped into or he set foot in. Also, the kids made the zodiac based on themselves, they're not governed by it, and you just generally shouldn't use a description that isn't relevant to what's going on at the moment.
[ Karkat, uneasy from the freakish display of plush dragons with their fate around their necks in the branches outside, made him fiercely regret coming here ]
...I'm not even sure quite how that sentence went so wrong. The way it's set up, the uneasy section should be an aside from the rest of the sentence, which means you can't follow with "made him". So you could write that "The freakish display of plush dragons with their fate around their necks in the branches outside made him fiercely regret coming here", or you could cut out the bit about "made him fiercely regret" entirely, but you definitely can't cram the two together.
['Seriously' he thought to himself ]
['Candy apple,' Terezi grinned ]
Thoughts follow the same punctuation rules as dialogue, so you need a comma at the end of the first one and the second one should have a period in place of a comma. Also, don't use ' to mark thoughts, it's too close to the quotation marks for spoken speech. Italics alone do fine.
[Are you expecting me to hug you and give you pity? If you are, you should know me better by now, and you'd have a better chance going to Kanaya or something."
"I don't want you to treat me like a damn measly grub. Stop being stupid, Terezi."]
Pity governs redrom, not something for kids, remember?
[your's ]
When it's a pronoun, there's no apostrophe, it's just "yours".
[this information escaping Karkat's mind piquing her attention ]
...what? She doesn't have psychic powers, and if this is just a really flowery way of saying he's talking, please stop, it's not good writing, it's just irritating to try to decipher.
If a sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[She batted her tongue against his lips and shoved it inside, hooking onto his own tongue and biting it briskly, "So sick of possibly being the only one who hasn't put his bulge into his matesprit yet. ]
Is she seriously talking while biting his tongue. How would that even work.
[She snarled in a frustrated tone, trying to get up before Karkat roughly shoved her back beneath him. "Ngh, what do you think you're doing?"
"'Expressing my feeeeelings', bitch! What does it look like!" He nipped at her throat, sucking at her pulse as he placed his hands upon her hips. "I'm sick of it...sick of you toying with me and fucking with my head. You want my bulge in you?" Karkat gripped hold of her shirt and jerked it up with impatient vigor. At the sight of her breasts popping out from beneath the fabric, he smirked viciously with a lustful hunger that desperately needed to be fed, muttering under his breath, "You got it, teal tits...it's my turn to taste..."]
...and now it's getting misogynistic and disappointing. Instead of her reciprocating, she tries to get away while Karkat starts insulting her and saying she was asking for it. Is it really that hard to avoid this? At least it gets somewhat more mutual, although it's still mostly Karkat demanding she do things and her fighting back a bit. Considering the story starts with the idea she wants him and Karkat is a loudmouth, not a complete asshole, I really don't get why things go this way.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6772107/1/A_Size_Too_Small
Quite nice. My only real complaint is the bit about love - it's not something they really have words for, so I don't think Vriska would be talking about it in those terms.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6783310/1/Miracles
[Every living Mothafuckin' thing I see]
[It's my right as a Troll.]
Why the capital letters? Sober Gamzee alternates ALL CAPS with none, he doesn't capitalize the first letter of a couple words.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[the real Gamzee was still in control ]
Uh, as Gamzee explains, he thinks he's both "mirthful messiahs", both of whom are killing people. It's not nice Gamzee vs mean Gamzee. It's possible to treat it as three personalities, but the murderous Gamzee is two, it's why he switches around capitalization like that.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6783415/1/Of_Orphans_and_Murderers
["There were innocents down there! I think some bombs even hit them!" CD said sadly, almost shrilly.]
"Innocents" is kind of a weird concept under the circumstances. If caravans like theirs aren't supposed to be targets, why not just have him say it's a caravan? How does this all work, anyway? If Derse doesn't aim for them normally, why would Prospitian soldiers be there to escort? At best they'd be useless and at worst they'd be attracting enemy fire.
Also, sad and shrill are pretty different sounds, pick one.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[Lets go." ]
Let's. It's short for "let us".
[DD gave the other pyrotechnic carapaces to continue launching at the enemy]
Dropped a word there.
...so, what /is/ Jack doing down there? I'd have assumed he was there to personally stab any survivors, but he thinks there aren't any.
[ He called out weekly. ]
Weakly.
[She looked up at him, but remained sitting, and now Karkat could see that she had been crying. She must be so scared, Karkat thought, but they couldn't waste time. They had to get to Prospit, past the armies, and the heat was growing more and more intense. He helped her up by force and lifted her onto his back, holding her by the legs.
"Hold onto my shoulders," he ordered, and she did, but still she was so unresponsive.]
This is kind of disappointing. Why exactly is Aradia the weak one? She was a FLARPer and explorer, and she's pretty badass in canon, while Karkat faints at the sight of other people's blood and stands around watching killing sprees instead of fighting back.
["Looks like you were wright, CD." ]
Please. Get a beta reader. This is ridiculous.
And now you're twisting things to try to force them to adopt the kids. Look, any premise can be done well, but some are easier than others. Showing the characters feeling mild guilt, explaining that something terrible would happen if they weren't taken, suggesting they might be useful to the group, that would work. Just having CD say they should doesn't cut it, and it's OOC that they're even standing around discussing it.
["Jack Noir and Draconian Dignitary, you are going to make this up to those kids and you are going to take care of them or so help me I will load your rooms with bombs!" CD practically snarled. ]
Ridiculously OOC now.
["Jack, we can't stay in Derse anymore." CD said.
Wait, what? That... was appealing and yet... oddly stupid. Maybe it was because CD said it.
"A warring society is no society for children!" CD insisted.]
Indescribably OOC and forced. Really, you should have spent more time trying to explain it, or if you really couldn't, skip over the explanation entirely and just start with things already like that.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6794490/1/Bright
Painfully well done. The way you describe everything is lovely, both in general and the way it shows how starstruck Kanaya is. I like the little glimpses of how things are going with the rest of their world, and the way her relationship with Rose grows.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6799718/1/A_Very_Homestuck_Christmas
You should consider posting on AooO - chats in general and the spelling/grammar quirks of the kids are banned on FFN, and sooner or later someone's going to go through getting them deleted. It also won't cut out some of your symbols, so you can write things like Equius' quirk properly.
[CG: I WANT A GIANT STATUE IN MY LIKENESS.
CG: EVERY PIECE OF IT WOULD BE EXCRUTIATINGLY DETAILED AND LIFE-LIKE. ALL OF YOU, AS LIFE-SIZED STATUES, WOULD FORM A CIRCLE AROUND ME, BOWING TO MY VERY PRESENSE AND THE FACT THAT MY STONE BONE BULGE BARELY FITS INTO MY ROCK HARD PANTS.
EB: umm…okay?
CG: OH WAIT.
CG: I CAN JUST ALCHEMIZE IT.
CG: IN FACT, I JUST DID. I'LL SEND YOU A PICTURE, IT'S PRETTY FUCKING GLORIOUS. IT SOMEHOW MANAGES TO CAPTURE THE PURE AND UTTER HATRED I HAVE FOR EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU.]
Oh, Karkat. Never stop being hilarious.
[ For Dave, the three other kids decided upon doing guest strips of Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff; for Rose, a blank book, for her to continue writing wizard fan fiction that he wasn't supposed to know about. Jade's gift was almost finished; being a Bec plush that Rose was helping him put together. ]
Wow, Rose really lost out. A leatherbound book covered with eldritch runes for her to use, sure. But just a blank book? She's probably got a pile of them already.
[You had them lying around at home, surprisingly not destroyed by imps. Of course, you gave her copies of them, but she'll probably be too busy swooning to notice. ]
You really shouldn't dip into second person like this. I know there's a lot of it in fandom, but it's pretty jarring here.
[a mixture of anger of sadness ]
Second "of" should be an "and", I presume?
Anyway, cute enough, though I wish there was more time spent on the other trolls. Vriska's attempted theft was nice enough, but lacked flair.
What I find interesting is there are several different subtypes. There's a particular kind of plotless bland that I associate with the forum threads and author's notes about never writing fanfic before, there's your typical FFN newbie, your typical overwrought stagers, and stuff that's just there for ship purposes.
The majority of them had decent grammar, even.
