Homestuck Reviews Part 2
May. 8th, 2011 11:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlaCurrent things I'm noticing:
Karkat/Sollux. It's like the Karkat/John on the kink meme.
The idea Eridan was legit in hate with Sollux.
Relatedly, Here Be Boys, again.
OOC stuff justified by dream or RP.
Drabble doesn't mean short, people.
People sticking crack ships into stories that aren't even about the relationship.
No one realizes Vriska is awesome D::::
No carapace love. <3<, category. All of the <3<.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6811313/1/Quadrant_Filling
Drabble = 100 words exactly. It's a writing exercise, not a word for a short fic.
Anyway, amusing.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6815850/1/Eridan_Lament
[Eridan stood his ground, surrounded by all the chaos he randomly caused. ]
It may have been chaos, but he didn't exactly cause it randomly. It was quite deliberate, even if you're willing to assume it wasn't premeditated from the point he walked into the room.
[ but…well , the thing was looking at Sollux just made him angry and he couldn't help it. ]
Uh, Sollux survived, so I don't think that's really a complete answer given he murdered Feferi and Kanaya.
[Unfortunately, he knew that argument was weak, but it didn't help the fact he was lonely. ]
For one thing, I really doubt he knows that. For another, he wasn't just doing it because Feferi dumped him. He thinks they're doomed as a species, which is why he destroyed the matriorb, and he's also planning to go to Jack because he thinks it's their/his only chance of survival.
...and more and more of Eridan knowing it's all false. Do you think this makes him more sympathetic? I don't really see the point in watching him do all this stuff but with an internal monologue of "oh fuck, that was actually stupid". Yes, it was. And? He's kind of interesting if he's deluded enough to believe his own reasons, and could be very interesting if he slowly realized his mistake, but if he knows the whole time he's just an ordinary character who's also a hateful dick.
[Maybe all these years, Karkat really was just pitying him. But he alwways said pity wwas a form of lovve. ]
No. All the trolls see pity as a component of matespritship and morallegence, which is analogous to our concept of love, and believe there are two emotions total. This gets explained over and over again.
...and then it ends with him trying to apologize over Trollian before his death.
I really don't see what you're trying to do here. For this to mean anything, you need to show him realizing he's wrong - but you skip over that for the cheap option of just saying he already did. There's a lot you can do about Eridan's perspective at the time, but just having him explain he understands he made a mistake isn't one of those things, it comes off as you inserting your own viewpoint rather than a conclusion he came to. And the fact the only explanation you give is that Sollux makes him so mad just makes it worse. He doesn't bother finishing Sollux off. Instead he murders Feferi, blows up the matriorb, then kills Kanaya. It's not simply that he was upset at Sollux. The writing of this is perfectly good, but it doesn't come together properly as a story.
Also, chat format and the spelling/grammar things caused by the kids' quirks are banned on this site. You should consider posting on Archive of our Own, because sooner or later someone's going to go through deleting these.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6818679/1/and_the_world_is_made_of_soft_things
[his whimsical mop of hair pendulous ]
[ Those thick black curls have always waxed unruly, but lately they are also getting rather overlong. ]
Your prose is purple. There's never any need for this type of thing.
[when he speaks his voice is rough and soft like human velvet. ]
Velvet isn't rough. There's a reason the phrase is "smooth as velvet".
[ i DoN't KnOw As I dEsErVe AnY oF tHoSe MoThErFuCkErS aNyMoRe ]
Pretty sure that should be "if", not "as".
[She plays the very tips of her fingers over the contours of his face and then through his hair, as though seeking the right gears in her old music boxes from the days she still needed those to travel. Wonders if it would be worth it to dig them up again, just for the sake of the tactile sensation she couldn't enjoy in the soulbot Equius and Vriska had built for her. ]
What the hell was with that tangent. You start off describing how she's touching his head, and then take it literally as if she's actually trying to do that and then thinks about going to find them so she can.
I like the idea of this, and what I can make out under the weight of the prose - it's a nice glimpse of the post-game possibilities, and the interaction between the two is nice. But it's just so terribly overwrought.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6821077/1/The_Highbloods
Huh. This seems quite generic so far. If blood caste is in play within the gang, I don't see why Eridan would listen to Gamzee when he doesn't Equius - Gamzee's still lower blooded than he is. And no mention of the fact Karkat's blood is mutant, not merely low. The characters seem like straight OCs really. Eridan doesn't seem genocidal, Equius isn't such a sub, Gamzee's perfectly coherent.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6821077/2/The_Highbloods
[The greaser looks at him curiously]
This whole thing is really bizarre. Greasers were the lower-class gang kids, made of working class immigrants. Having them be the highest class is missing the point by a mile. The upper class can and has formed their own gangs at different times, but things work differently when they're made of the elites instead. A pretty good measurement is, if you start screaming in the street, are the police going to rush over and beat them to death, or do their best impression of being blind and deaf while you get beaten to death?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6827373/1/My_Homestuck_Characters
Yeah, this really isn't a fic. It'd be a perfectly good opening paragraph to a story, but it's not interesting all by itself.
[You are one of the most NIGHT-OWL TROLLS and you LOVE TO SLEEP. ]
Also, all trolls are awake during the night. They sleep during the day.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6830156/1/John_and_Rose_Be_Diplomats
Chat format and the spelling/grammar things caused by the kids' quirks are banned on this site. You should consider posting on Archive of our Own, because sooner or later someone's going to go through deleting these.
Anyway, that was amusing, especially the lolcats, and I liked that Rose was able to think her way out.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6830659/1/Blind_Silence
[ Expect I remembered I suck. ]
It's "except".
[this loss of sigh,]
Sight.
This is decent enough - you do a good job describing the panicked helplessness of not knowing your surroundings, but I don't understand why no one can just talk. If this is after Gamzee's been dealt with, he should be able to call out to see if someone's there - and if he's really too scared of it being the wrong person, he could stay Karkat or Terezi's hearing range so if he does call they'll be able to come help. And since they know he's nervous, they should talk loudly around him so he knows they're there.
It's also not really well explained - you say he's initially fine with being blind but steadily getting more afraid, even as he learns to deal with it, which doesn't make too much sense - maybe say he was initially thinking it'd be easy to learn Terezi's skills, but then found out it takes a long time before he can actually see that way, and became afraid when he realized he'd be stuck like this for a while?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6837063/1/3x_Showdown_Combo
[Eridan aimed and fire, ]
Fired.
Also, where did you get the idea Vriska used three dice? Her number is eight and her weapon is called octet, having eight die with eight sides each.
[With luck manipulated, Gamzee suddenly found himself toppling over, the sound of his brones breaking. ]
Your writing in general sounds really forced and awkward (breaking should be more important than the sound of them breaking), and it's "bones". That's not even a proofreading error, spellcheck should have caught it.
[ Enough to at least damage again. Invisible forces slashed at Gamzee, creating cuts along his legs. No damage done as he continued forward at a leisurely stroll. ]
So it caused damage but no damage was done.
[ She had felt fear before...but not like this. Gamzee was a monster, a force far beyond her own level, even at God Tier. ]
Vriska spent most of her life fighting other trolls. And she is a god tier. And planning to go after Jack who's powered by the Green Sun itself. I really don't think she'd be terrified and shaking in fear over Gamzee.
["Ya MiNd KiLlInG mE?"
"Wha...what?"
"YeAh...JuSt kIlL mE...wE bOtH kNoW tHaT iF yOu LeT mE lIvE, wE'lL bOtH rEgReT iT."
"8ut...8ut.."Vriska blustered out. No one had ever asked her for a mercy kill before. She killed her lusus out of her own free will, and Tavros merely stood in her way.]
...I really don't think she'd be hesitating either way. As you even say, she's killed when it's not in self-defense before, killing Gamzee when he is a threat to her shouldn't make her pause. She might feel regretful, but she's not going to try to avoid it.
[A possible Matesprit, lost. ]
...yeah I really don't think so. That's kind of out of left field. Also, shouldn't be capitalized.
Vriska's emoticon is four colons for eight eyes, not eight colons which would be sixteen eyes.
The fight here is written well enough, but the characterization is more questionable.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6840634/1/Only_Mine
Huh. Your paragraphing is messy. Your formatting doesn't have spaces between the lines, which makes it a lot easier to read, and your lines of dialogue are often in the same paragraph as an action the other person is taking, which is confusing because generally a paragraph with speech and action go together. It's okay to do it differently on occasion, but sparingly. Especially when you don't use speech tags and you start a new paragraph when it's the same speaker.
["Oh, you can see. I left you with one eye, didn't I?" Karkat, turned, looking for the other, slowly remembering what had happened. As he searched, a bright blur of teal splattered on one of the walls caught his attention- it contrasted so greatly with the black and greys of the room, like his candy red blood splattering the floor did.
"Sollux...what...what did you do?"
"Simple, KK." Karkat flinched as a hand caressed his wounded cheek.
"I ensured that you were mine, and mine alone." ]
For example, if this was
["Oh, you can see. I left you with one eye, didn't I?"
Karkat, turned, looking for the other, slowly remembering what had happened. As he searched, a bright blur of teal splattered on one of the walls caught his attention- it contrasted so greatly with the black and greys of the room, like his candy red blood splattering the floor did. "Sollux...what...what did you do?"
"Simple, KK." Karkat flinched as a hand caressed his wounded cheek. "I ensured that you were mine, and mine alone." ]
it'd flow much better.
As to the story, it's rather generic, character A goes crazy for no reason and mutilates B. Creepy, but doesn't really say anything about these particular characters. It's especially unclear why he gets his eye carved out just because he wouldn't keep it closed.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6682530/1/Spanish_Armada
Drabble = 100 words exactly. It's a writing exercise, not a word for a short fic.
Write out numbers with letters.
As to shortfic, this is a decent enough glimpse into Dave/Rose. I would have liked there to be more in the way of description of Rose - you have a lot about Dave being a coolkid, less of what he thinks Rose is. But it does a good job of both Dave's reaction and an explanation for why he doesn't make any complain in canon about it.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6682530/10/Spanish_Armada
Cutely bittersweet, but rather jumbled. You say before she met him she drank more heavily, then that perhaps Rose will like it now that she's not drinking so much, yet (as you say next paragraph) she met him ages ago when Rose was young. You need to be clearer you're talking about in the medium, and also it's a bit forced to talk about that kind of change as if it's a huge thing when it's only been a short time since Sburb began and she's had limited time with him. It'd make more sense to include that in her thoughts of the future instead.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6682530/12/Spanish_Armada
Jack! Always fun. Nicely creepy little fic.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6682530/16/Spanish_Armada
There's something nice about this pairing - the tension you have between Bro's coolguy act and the possibility she's far more detached toward it than he is. He's a lot more sympathetic when he's vulnerable.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6846019/1/Hate_and_Pity
[focussed ]
Spellcheck.
A nice look at Aradia and you did a good job portraying her mindset as a ghost and robot. I wish you'd focused a bit more on her before her death, just for contrast - all that's really shown is her mad at Vriska, which, eh. Why were they playing against the Scourge Sisters repeatedly in that case, and if Vriska's already mauling Tavros it's odd to be so shocked and indignant she later cripples him. And if that's all there is, why's Vriska so upset about ghost!Aradia? I do like the explanation for why she keeps Sollux at arm's length and the way you show Equius' interest, though.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6847788/1/Red_Velvet_Black_Velvet
Funny. Rose's attempts to decipher Mr. Egbert's friendliness into the sort of passive-aggressive she's familiar with is quite well done, and the ending a nice twist.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6851959/1/Iris
[" Jade's voice rang shrilly, not in an unpleasant way. there's this certain charm in it but just so to distinguish how Jade would sound like. Like pumpkin spice. ]
You keep not capitalizing the start of some sentences for no discernible reason. Don't do that.
Also, I have no idea what you're trying to say about Jade's voice, it's a jumbled mess.
[John, with all his (slightly non-existent) strength ]
Kid wields a hammer, I don't think he'd really be defined by lack of physical strength.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Dave and John's relationship is done cutely, but you really need to pay more attention to mechanics. And why no Rose getting in on this when the story's all about Dave not realizing something?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6855225/1/The_Felt_Origins
[ hooded figure ]
[hooded character ]
[lean figure ]
[ hooded humanoid ]
[green creature ]
[nimble green male ]
You really shouldn't have this many epithets. "Green man" is fine, as is "hooded figure" if you want something to alternate it with. More than that is just distracting.
[ He scanned the surrounding area, completely disregarding the food stands even though he'd not eaten a crumb since yesterday ]
Um, why? Itchy isn't particularly gaunt in canon, and not eating for a day is kind of weird when you can steal food effortlessly. And then this plot thread seems to be discarded, so why bring it up? If you're introducing something weird it should be explained, not forgotten.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[The heavy, steel lock had been severed right down the middle ]
How'd Itchy manage that? He doesn't have strength, just speed. It'd have been much easier for him to wait for the vendor to unlock it and open it up to get something for a customer, then grab everything.
[suddenly the world moved like molasses ]
We know his speed doesn't up his reaction time, it's how he gets killed, so he really shouldn't perceive the world as moving slower. It's more like hoping on a motorcycle or something, he's just moving faster.
Huh. That's not really much of an explanation for him joining the Felt. He's bored...but why doesn't he do anything himself, if the idea of working for someone or having teammates is so appealing? Does he hate the carapaces and they're the only ones in his area, has he tried and screwed up...? From the sounds of it Scratch isn't really offering him much of anything. He doesn't even promise new items to steal - his pitch is "you'll get the chance to work for someone and fight our enemies for us", which is really not the sort of thing I'd expect a slacker thief to jump at.
Well. I'm interested to see where you're going with this, but it really feels like it'd help if you spent more time considering things. You do a pretty good job writing narrative, and Itchy's pre-Felt character seems reasonable, but a lot of this doesn't feel like it fits together.
Karkat/Sollux. It's like the Karkat/John on the kink meme.
The idea Eridan was legit in hate with Sollux.
Relatedly, Here Be Boys, again.
OOC stuff justified by dream or RP.
Drabble doesn't mean short, people.
People sticking crack ships into stories that aren't even about the relationship.
No one realizes Vriska is awesome D::::
No carapace love. <3<, category. All of the <3<.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6811313/1/Quadrant_Filling
Drabble = 100 words exactly. It's a writing exercise, not a word for a short fic.
Anyway, amusing.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6815850/1/Eridan_Lament
[Eridan stood his ground, surrounded by all the chaos he randomly caused. ]
It may have been chaos, but he didn't exactly cause it randomly. It was quite deliberate, even if you're willing to assume it wasn't premeditated from the point he walked into the room.
[ but…well , the thing was looking at Sollux just made him angry and he couldn't help it. ]
Uh, Sollux survived, so I don't think that's really a complete answer given he murdered Feferi and Kanaya.
[Unfortunately, he knew that argument was weak, but it didn't help the fact he was lonely. ]
For one thing, I really doubt he knows that. For another, he wasn't just doing it because Feferi dumped him. He thinks they're doomed as a species, which is why he destroyed the matriorb, and he's also planning to go to Jack because he thinks it's their/his only chance of survival.
...and more and more of Eridan knowing it's all false. Do you think this makes him more sympathetic? I don't really see the point in watching him do all this stuff but with an internal monologue of "oh fuck, that was actually stupid". Yes, it was. And? He's kind of interesting if he's deluded enough to believe his own reasons, and could be very interesting if he slowly realized his mistake, but if he knows the whole time he's just an ordinary character who's also a hateful dick.
[Maybe all these years, Karkat really was just pitying him. But he alwways said pity wwas a form of lovve. ]
No. All the trolls see pity as a component of matespritship and morallegence, which is analogous to our concept of love, and believe there are two emotions total. This gets explained over and over again.
...and then it ends with him trying to apologize over Trollian before his death.
I really don't see what you're trying to do here. For this to mean anything, you need to show him realizing he's wrong - but you skip over that for the cheap option of just saying he already did. There's a lot you can do about Eridan's perspective at the time, but just having him explain he understands he made a mistake isn't one of those things, it comes off as you inserting your own viewpoint rather than a conclusion he came to. And the fact the only explanation you give is that Sollux makes him so mad just makes it worse. He doesn't bother finishing Sollux off. Instead he murders Feferi, blows up the matriorb, then kills Kanaya. It's not simply that he was upset at Sollux. The writing of this is perfectly good, but it doesn't come together properly as a story.
Also, chat format and the spelling/grammar things caused by the kids' quirks are banned on this site. You should consider posting on Archive of our Own, because sooner or later someone's going to go through deleting these.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6818679/1/and_the_world_is_made_of_soft_things
[his whimsical mop of hair pendulous ]
[ Those thick black curls have always waxed unruly, but lately they are also getting rather overlong. ]
Your prose is purple. There's never any need for this type of thing.
[when he speaks his voice is rough and soft like human velvet. ]
Velvet isn't rough. There's a reason the phrase is "smooth as velvet".
[ i DoN't KnOw As I dEsErVe AnY oF tHoSe MoThErFuCkErS aNyMoRe ]
Pretty sure that should be "if", not "as".
[She plays the very tips of her fingers over the contours of his face and then through his hair, as though seeking the right gears in her old music boxes from the days she still needed those to travel. Wonders if it would be worth it to dig them up again, just for the sake of the tactile sensation she couldn't enjoy in the soulbot Equius and Vriska had built for her. ]
What the hell was with that tangent. You start off describing how she's touching his head, and then take it literally as if she's actually trying to do that and then thinks about going to find them so she can.
I like the idea of this, and what I can make out under the weight of the prose - it's a nice glimpse of the post-game possibilities, and the interaction between the two is nice. But it's just so terribly overwrought.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6821077/1/The_Highbloods
Huh. This seems quite generic so far. If blood caste is in play within the gang, I don't see why Eridan would listen to Gamzee when he doesn't Equius - Gamzee's still lower blooded than he is. And no mention of the fact Karkat's blood is mutant, not merely low. The characters seem like straight OCs really. Eridan doesn't seem genocidal, Equius isn't such a sub, Gamzee's perfectly coherent.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6821077/2/The_Highbloods
[The greaser looks at him curiously]
This whole thing is really bizarre. Greasers were the lower-class gang kids, made of working class immigrants. Having them be the highest class is missing the point by a mile. The upper class can and has formed their own gangs at different times, but things work differently when they're made of the elites instead. A pretty good measurement is, if you start screaming in the street, are the police going to rush over and beat them to death, or do their best impression of being blind and deaf while you get beaten to death?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6827373/1/My_Homestuck_Characters
Yeah, this really isn't a fic. It'd be a perfectly good opening paragraph to a story, but it's not interesting all by itself.
[You are one of the most NIGHT-OWL TROLLS and you LOVE TO SLEEP. ]
Also, all trolls are awake during the night. They sleep during the day.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6830156/1/John_and_Rose_Be_Diplomats
Chat format and the spelling/grammar things caused by the kids' quirks are banned on this site. You should consider posting on Archive of our Own, because sooner or later someone's going to go through deleting these.
Anyway, that was amusing, especially the lolcats, and I liked that Rose was able to think her way out.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6830659/1/Blind_Silence
[ Expect I remembered I suck. ]
It's "except".
[this loss of sigh,]
Sight.
This is decent enough - you do a good job describing the panicked helplessness of not knowing your surroundings, but I don't understand why no one can just talk. If this is after Gamzee's been dealt with, he should be able to call out to see if someone's there - and if he's really too scared of it being the wrong person, he could stay Karkat or Terezi's hearing range so if he does call they'll be able to come help. And since they know he's nervous, they should talk loudly around him so he knows they're there.
It's also not really well explained - you say he's initially fine with being blind but steadily getting more afraid, even as he learns to deal with it, which doesn't make too much sense - maybe say he was initially thinking it'd be easy to learn Terezi's skills, but then found out it takes a long time before he can actually see that way, and became afraid when he realized he'd be stuck like this for a while?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6837063/1/3x_Showdown_Combo
[Eridan aimed and fire, ]
Fired.
Also, where did you get the idea Vriska used three dice? Her number is eight and her weapon is called octet, having eight die with eight sides each.
[With luck manipulated, Gamzee suddenly found himself toppling over, the sound of his brones breaking. ]
Your writing in general sounds really forced and awkward (breaking should be more important than the sound of them breaking), and it's "bones". That's not even a proofreading error, spellcheck should have caught it.
[ Enough to at least damage again. Invisible forces slashed at Gamzee, creating cuts along his legs. No damage done as he continued forward at a leisurely stroll. ]
So it caused damage but no damage was done.
[ She had felt fear before...but not like this. Gamzee was a monster, a force far beyond her own level, even at God Tier. ]
Vriska spent most of her life fighting other trolls. And she is a god tier. And planning to go after Jack who's powered by the Green Sun itself. I really don't think she'd be terrified and shaking in fear over Gamzee.
["Ya MiNd KiLlInG mE?"
"Wha...what?"
"YeAh...JuSt kIlL mE...wE bOtH kNoW tHaT iF yOu LeT mE lIvE, wE'lL bOtH rEgReT iT."
"8ut...8ut.."Vriska blustered out. No one had ever asked her for a mercy kill before. She killed her lusus out of her own free will, and Tavros merely stood in her way.]
...I really don't think she'd be hesitating either way. As you even say, she's killed when it's not in self-defense before, killing Gamzee when he is a threat to her shouldn't make her pause. She might feel regretful, but she's not going to try to avoid it.
[A possible Matesprit, lost. ]
...yeah I really don't think so. That's kind of out of left field. Also, shouldn't be capitalized.
Vriska's emoticon is four colons for eight eyes, not eight colons which would be sixteen eyes.
The fight here is written well enough, but the characterization is more questionable.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6840634/1/Only_Mine
Huh. Your paragraphing is messy. Your formatting doesn't have spaces between the lines, which makes it a lot easier to read, and your lines of dialogue are often in the same paragraph as an action the other person is taking, which is confusing because generally a paragraph with speech and action go together. It's okay to do it differently on occasion, but sparingly. Especially when you don't use speech tags and you start a new paragraph when it's the same speaker.
["Oh, you can see. I left you with one eye, didn't I?" Karkat, turned, looking for the other, slowly remembering what had happened. As he searched, a bright blur of teal splattered on one of the walls caught his attention- it contrasted so greatly with the black and greys of the room, like his candy red blood splattering the floor did.
"Sollux...what...what did you do?"
"Simple, KK." Karkat flinched as a hand caressed his wounded cheek.
"I ensured that you were mine, and mine alone." ]
For example, if this was
["Oh, you can see. I left you with one eye, didn't I?"
Karkat, turned, looking for the other, slowly remembering what had happened. As he searched, a bright blur of teal splattered on one of the walls caught his attention- it contrasted so greatly with the black and greys of the room, like his candy red blood splattering the floor did. "Sollux...what...what did you do?"
"Simple, KK." Karkat flinched as a hand caressed his wounded cheek. "I ensured that you were mine, and mine alone." ]
it'd flow much better.
As to the story, it's rather generic, character A goes crazy for no reason and mutilates B. Creepy, but doesn't really say anything about these particular characters. It's especially unclear why he gets his eye carved out just because he wouldn't keep it closed.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6682530/1/Spanish_Armada
Drabble = 100 words exactly. It's a writing exercise, not a word for a short fic.
Write out numbers with letters.
As to shortfic, this is a decent enough glimpse into Dave/Rose. I would have liked there to be more in the way of description of Rose - you have a lot about Dave being a coolkid, less of what he thinks Rose is. But it does a good job of both Dave's reaction and an explanation for why he doesn't make any complain in canon about it.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6682530/10/Spanish_Armada
Cutely bittersweet, but rather jumbled. You say before she met him she drank more heavily, then that perhaps Rose will like it now that she's not drinking so much, yet (as you say next paragraph) she met him ages ago when Rose was young. You need to be clearer you're talking about in the medium, and also it's a bit forced to talk about that kind of change as if it's a huge thing when it's only been a short time since Sburb began and she's had limited time with him. It'd make more sense to include that in her thoughts of the future instead.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6682530/12/Spanish_Armada
Jack! Always fun. Nicely creepy little fic.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6682530/16/Spanish_Armada
There's something nice about this pairing - the tension you have between Bro's coolguy act and the possibility she's far more detached toward it than he is. He's a lot more sympathetic when he's vulnerable.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6846019/1/Hate_and_Pity
[focussed ]
Spellcheck.
A nice look at Aradia and you did a good job portraying her mindset as a ghost and robot. I wish you'd focused a bit more on her before her death, just for contrast - all that's really shown is her mad at Vriska, which, eh. Why were they playing against the Scourge Sisters repeatedly in that case, and if Vriska's already mauling Tavros it's odd to be so shocked and indignant she later cripples him. And if that's all there is, why's Vriska so upset about ghost!Aradia? I do like the explanation for why she keeps Sollux at arm's length and the way you show Equius' interest, though.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6847788/1/Red_Velvet_Black_Velvet
Funny. Rose's attempts to decipher Mr. Egbert's friendliness into the sort of passive-aggressive she's familiar with is quite well done, and the ending a nice twist.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6851959/1/Iris
[" Jade's voice rang shrilly, not in an unpleasant way. there's this certain charm in it but just so to distinguish how Jade would sound like. Like pumpkin spice. ]
You keep not capitalizing the start of some sentences for no discernible reason. Don't do that.
Also, I have no idea what you're trying to say about Jade's voice, it's a jumbled mess.
[John, with all his (slightly non-existent) strength ]
Kid wields a hammer, I don't think he'd really be defined by lack of physical strength.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Dave and John's relationship is done cutely, but you really need to pay more attention to mechanics. And why no Rose getting in on this when the story's all about Dave not realizing something?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6855225/1/The_Felt_Origins
[ hooded figure ]
[hooded character ]
[lean figure ]
[ hooded humanoid ]
[green creature ]
[nimble green male ]
You really shouldn't have this many epithets. "Green man" is fine, as is "hooded figure" if you want something to alternate it with. More than that is just distracting.
[ He scanned the surrounding area, completely disregarding the food stands even though he'd not eaten a crumb since yesterday ]
Um, why? Itchy isn't particularly gaunt in canon, and not eating for a day is kind of weird when you can steal food effortlessly. And then this plot thread seems to be discarded, so why bring it up? If you're introducing something weird it should be explained, not forgotten.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[The heavy, steel lock had been severed right down the middle ]
How'd Itchy manage that? He doesn't have strength, just speed. It'd have been much easier for him to wait for the vendor to unlock it and open it up to get something for a customer, then grab everything.
[suddenly the world moved like molasses ]
We know his speed doesn't up his reaction time, it's how he gets killed, so he really shouldn't perceive the world as moving slower. It's more like hoping on a motorcycle or something, he's just moving faster.
Huh. That's not really much of an explanation for him joining the Felt. He's bored...but why doesn't he do anything himself, if the idea of working for someone or having teammates is so appealing? Does he hate the carapaces and they're the only ones in his area, has he tried and screwed up...? From the sounds of it Scratch isn't really offering him much of anything. He doesn't even promise new items to steal - his pitch is "you'll get the chance to work for someone and fight our enemies for us", which is really not the sort of thing I'd expect a slacker thief to jump at.
Well. I'm interested to see where you're going with this, but it really feels like it'd help if you spent more time considering things. You do a pretty good job writing narrative, and Itchy's pre-Felt character seems reasonable, but a lot of this doesn't feel like it fits together.
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no subject
Date: 2011-05-09 11:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-09 03:46 pm (UTC)Fanart and fanfic follow different rules, really. You can slap them in whatever costume you want for a cute picture, but you need a bit more thought if you'd going to write a whole story revolving around the same concept.