Homestuck reviews part 6
May. 28th, 2011 11:55 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/6306850/1/Three_Exiles_Slightly_Broken
This is just lovely. I like most how different each of them is - they're all changed by exile for similar reasons, but the way it shows isn't quite the same. AR is obsessed with law, while PM is able to let go of the mail fixation more easily but then what comes from remembering more of how she used to be has its own problems, and WV is still stuck in his fantasy world.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6974325/1/Id_Tap_That
Huh. Interesting to see second person used as actual self-insert here.
[Oh, that creepy puppet is in front of you now. So he must have two of them. It's kind of cute – who are you kidding? You're afraid it's probably going to give you nightmares. ]
I like your narration as well, clever without being too much.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6983995/1/Brother
[He examines it before fisting it and pocketing the pendant. ]
…You might want to look up what "fisting" means.
[In the center of the platform, a person lay in a pool of blood with a katana jutting out of his stomach. This person's blond hair did nothing to hide the lifeless red eyes that pierced Dave's own. Blood dripped out of the person's mouth which was curled into a slight smirk. Dave looked at the person with shaded eyes and an unreadable expression. ]
I don't think this style really works. It feels forced and it's particularly awkward here because the guardians are all known by a particular description anyway, so trying to use a different, vaguer term goes again the style Homestuck's written in.
...seriously, you're having Dave stand melodramatically at a grave when Bro dies in the medium and there's no easy way to cart the body around until they end up back on earth?
[Ever so silent Dave stood in silence, grieving. Behind his proverbial shades, grief simmered in his eyes. ]
This is not good writing, you shouldn't repeat words like this.
...and now the characters are talking, but none of them sound like themselves, Dave especially.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[A twenty-five year old Dave Strider walked into his apartment where he was greeted by his adopted son, Orb Strider.]
...no.
Just. No. This makes Albus Severus look reasonable.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6986471/1/Of_Doubt_and_Dreams
Um...not how it happened. Equius isn't afraid and he makes no attempt to free himself (he could easily have grabbed the bowstrings Gamzee was holding), he isn't crying and he dies with a smile on his face.
Your writing isn't bad, but you're flattening the canon situation to make it easier, which also makes for a less interesting story. It's easy to write fic, especially shipfic, if you change a number of details, but it's more interesting if you manage it without doing that.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6986507/1/Are_We_Happy
Ugh, Eridan apologism. No, he didn't kill Feferi because he loved her so incredibly much. Did you miss the conversations in the game? He complains to Karkat that none of the various people he's been hitting on have been interested. Or what he said to Kanaya? He was always planning to blow up the matriorb and go to find Bec Noir, and it was that part, the part where he was planning to help Noir kill everyone else, that starts the fight.
[ On top of Vriska and Tavros and all the other things we were doing and running for our lives, I still should have been here for you."]
I am kind of impressed you wrote this and still couldn't see what's wrong about saying Kanaya is responsible for this too. Also, Kanaya chainsawed off Tavros' legs over that love triangle, she isn't sweetness and light in all her dealings with people.
I don't even hate canon Eridan, but I hate this one that puts the blame on everyone else.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6986900/1/Fated_Red
[A grin upon the face of the former Gamblingnant was obvious; her old habits would never die.]
Your word order is weird and irritating, and it's gamblignant, ig not ing and no capital. I realize it's easy to mess that up but that's why you could check the spelling.
[Subjuggulators ]
Subjugglators, only two Us.
[her broken Kismeisistude ]
Not capitalized, and spelled kismesissitude.
[ the Legislacerator Redglare ]
Also not capitalized, and if you mean it to be a title she was Neophyte Redglare.
[A hate, perhaps, that was fueled by the knowing that even if he was to be her matesprit, that it was he that would one day kill her. That knowing, that knowledge, to hold that inside for centuries developed a hatred for him in her embittered heart. ]
She certainly doesn't seem bitter in the journal, and besides, this is a rather boring interpretation, since it's so obvious.
[It was the Summoner. ]
...still not capitalized.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6986900/2/Fated_Red
[Sopor slime, the luminescent green goop was meant to ease, it soothes the nightmares ingrained in the core-genetics of the Troll race. It was to ease in sleep, rest, a comforting feeling that was supposed to lull all trolls to their dreams, away from the horrid fears that plagued the sub-conscious of every troll's mind. ]
Your sentence structure is really bad. You should get a beta reader.
[As long as her will was stronger than her own, which was most. ]
Their own, don't you mean?
[Her with a low blood—a rust blood of all things? ]
She doesn't care about blood color, in fact she thinks people like Dualscar are stupid for caring.
[Could someone of such origins truly melt her bitterness away? Could he truly take all of this rage, this anger, and even the pain? ]
She also isn't a total mess who needs to be ~saved~ by his healing cock, thanks.
[to accidentally kill or cull other trolls ]
Culling is killing.
[he would become the leader of a rebellion that banishes the adult trolls throughout space ]
That's a terribly misleading statement. "that makes the empress banish the adult trolls" would be more accurate.
Anyway...this seems to be going into really a trite romance plotline. You're writing her as really weak and angry, where in canon she's a much stronger character than that. She rolls with her misfortunes well and she's always waiting for a chance to reverse things. She's not miserable and her feelings about the summoner are quite complex even before meeting him.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6995595/1/Sunglasses
This is an okay story, but it really feels more like it's about OCs with a few traits in common.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7005242/1/Not_with_a_Bang_but_a_Whimper
[the Hemospectrum.]
[The Summoner]
Neither are capitalized.
["Who . . . who taught you how to fly? How . . . how did you learn?"
"Would you like to fly with me?"]
This seems rather forced. He can fly because he has wings, which none of the others do.
I like the end of this a lot - partly for the echo of what happens with their descendents, and mostly because it's a good twist to what she knows, fitting especially well with her comments about how the cueball is misleading.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7009301/1/His_Only
Drabble = 100 words exactly. It's a writing exercise, not a word for a short fic.
[Just maybe, it was when he had first seen her in person, as he had soared the skies. Luck was on his side as he had observed the proud captain on her deck ]
As she says, he won't be born for centuries at the time she gives that up.
[He was a confident man troll, so he seized the hand of his matesprit and gave him the most confident smile he had when she glanced over. ]
Don't repeat words and "man troll" is a ridiculous term.
Anyway...disappointing. You completely dodge the question raised about when he came to love her and so, in the process, why he does. So it comes across as empty and forced - he does because you say he does, that's not a very interesting answer or something that says anything about either of their characters.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6995757/1/Homestuck_Oneshots
Please use quotation marks, ", for dialogue, it's easier to read.
['K4RK4T?' ]
The rest isn't written in her quirk, so this shouldn't be either.
Anyway, this really doesn't feel IC. Karkat doesn't say he wants to be alone, he screams curses and insults.
['I'm hugging you because something is wrong and I want to help you with it. You won't tell me what it is, so I am trying to prove that I care, in the hope that you will tell me.' she said simply. ]
And Terezi is definitely not the generic straightforward caring girlfriend.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6982631/1/Homestuck_Love
It's really nice to see someone not calling shorts drabbles for once. That said, you really need to work on your mechanics.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Porn's banned on this site. You should consider posting on Archive of our Own, because sooner or later someone's going to go through deleting these.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7010907/1/Empty_Threat
Hm. I like this, but it's rather rough. The jumps from second to first person are particularly jarring.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6999813/1/Portalstuck
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Anyway, an interesting concept but the execution seems lackluster. GlaDOS doesn't sound like her usual self - too normal and prone to having real conversations, a far cry from the AI who was attempting to motivate the player by offers of cake. And too much explanation, as well - part of the portal atmosphere is mystery.
Karkat doesn't seem quite as ragey as usual, either.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6999813/2/Portalstuck
Hm, a bit better, but still far too much explaining and reasonableness by GlaDOS, and the idea the trolls are still aliens and unknown in this fic just feels terribly awkward, an unnecessary complication. (Plus, her psychic powers should render the tests pointless, since she wouldn't need a portal gun to get around.) And if Aradia's alive, she shouldn't be as passive as when she was a ghost - living Aradia has a very different personality than dead Aradia.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6914883/1/The_Irony_of_Bubblemates
This is adorable and impressively IC. Especially nice to see a well-written Tavros.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6914883/5/The_Irony_of_Bubblemates
Wonderful. I love how their relationship is going, as well as your worldbuilding.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7013536/1/Head_Over_Heels
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Anyway, this is done decently, but the pairing really seems forced. Especially because matespritship doesn't map exactly onto human love, yet there's no explanation here for why Tavros is feeling that way towards Gamzee just because the guy's being friendly. If his behavior is anything, it's that of a moirail, and even that's a bit of a stretch.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7017507/1/The_Bro_Code_Forbids
[ dad asked ]
When used in place of a name, it's capitalized Dad.
...that doesn't make much sense as a nightmare. John's a Hero of Breath, Jack without a ring wouldn't be any threat to him, and the whole thing is far too complex a setup and disconnected from the actual horror of Jack - an unstoppable unkillable thing that can teleport and stab anyone at any time.
[Dave knew it must have been one fucked up horrorterror. ]
Horrorterrors refer to particular creatures, not anything horrible and terrifying.
This was rather meh...seemed more like related OCs than the characters.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7017665/1/Forever
Well. Generic, OOC darkfic that doesn't take into account that Dave isn't a sobbing uke but quite capable of fighting back.
As time goes on, things get more and more like Pokemon fics...But also good stuff, so.
Fourteen stories left!
This is just lovely. I like most how different each of them is - they're all changed by exile for similar reasons, but the way it shows isn't quite the same. AR is obsessed with law, while PM is able to let go of the mail fixation more easily but then what comes from remembering more of how she used to be has its own problems, and WV is still stuck in his fantasy world.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6974325/1/Id_Tap_That
Huh. Interesting to see second person used as actual self-insert here.
[Oh, that creepy puppet is in front of you now. So he must have two of them. It's kind of cute – who are you kidding? You're afraid it's probably going to give you nightmares. ]
I like your narration as well, clever without being too much.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6983995/1/Brother
[He examines it before fisting it and pocketing the pendant. ]
…You might want to look up what "fisting" means.
[In the center of the platform, a person lay in a pool of blood with a katana jutting out of his stomach. This person's blond hair did nothing to hide the lifeless red eyes that pierced Dave's own. Blood dripped out of the person's mouth which was curled into a slight smirk. Dave looked at the person with shaded eyes and an unreadable expression. ]
I don't think this style really works. It feels forced and it's particularly awkward here because the guardians are all known by a particular description anyway, so trying to use a different, vaguer term goes again the style Homestuck's written in.
...seriously, you're having Dave stand melodramatically at a grave when Bro dies in the medium and there's no easy way to cart the body around until they end up back on earth?
[Ever so silent Dave stood in silence, grieving. Behind his proverbial shades, grief simmered in his eyes. ]
This is not good writing, you shouldn't repeat words like this.
...and now the characters are talking, but none of them sound like themselves, Dave especially.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[A twenty-five year old Dave Strider walked into his apartment where he was greeted by his adopted son, Orb Strider.]
...no.
Just. No. This makes Albus Severus look reasonable.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6986471/1/Of_Doubt_and_Dreams
Um...not how it happened. Equius isn't afraid and he makes no attempt to free himself (he could easily have grabbed the bowstrings Gamzee was holding), he isn't crying and he dies with a smile on his face.
Your writing isn't bad, but you're flattening the canon situation to make it easier, which also makes for a less interesting story. It's easy to write fic, especially shipfic, if you change a number of details, but it's more interesting if you manage it without doing that.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6986507/1/Are_We_Happy
Ugh, Eridan apologism. No, he didn't kill Feferi because he loved her so incredibly much. Did you miss the conversations in the game? He complains to Karkat that none of the various people he's been hitting on have been interested. Or what he said to Kanaya? He was always planning to blow up the matriorb and go to find Bec Noir, and it was that part, the part where he was planning to help Noir kill everyone else, that starts the fight.
[ On top of Vriska and Tavros and all the other things we were doing and running for our lives, I still should have been here for you."]
I am kind of impressed you wrote this and still couldn't see what's wrong about saying Kanaya is responsible for this too. Also, Kanaya chainsawed off Tavros' legs over that love triangle, she isn't sweetness and light in all her dealings with people.
I don't even hate canon Eridan, but I hate this one that puts the blame on everyone else.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6986900/1/Fated_Red
[A grin upon the face of the former Gamblingnant was obvious; her old habits would never die.]
Your word order is weird and irritating, and it's gamblignant, ig not ing and no capital. I realize it's easy to mess that up but that's why you could check the spelling.
[Subjuggulators ]
Subjugglators, only two Us.
[her broken Kismeisistude ]
Not capitalized, and spelled kismesissitude.
[ the Legislacerator Redglare ]
Also not capitalized, and if you mean it to be a title she was Neophyte Redglare.
[A hate, perhaps, that was fueled by the knowing that even if he was to be her matesprit, that it was he that would one day kill her. That knowing, that knowledge, to hold that inside for centuries developed a hatred for him in her embittered heart. ]
She certainly doesn't seem bitter in the journal, and besides, this is a rather boring interpretation, since it's so obvious.
[It was the Summoner. ]
...still not capitalized.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6986900/2/Fated_Red
[Sopor slime, the luminescent green goop was meant to ease, it soothes the nightmares ingrained in the core-genetics of the Troll race. It was to ease in sleep, rest, a comforting feeling that was supposed to lull all trolls to their dreams, away from the horrid fears that plagued the sub-conscious of every troll's mind. ]
Your sentence structure is really bad. You should get a beta reader.
[As long as her will was stronger than her own, which was most. ]
Their own, don't you mean?
[Her with a low blood—a rust blood of all things? ]
She doesn't care about blood color, in fact she thinks people like Dualscar are stupid for caring.
[Could someone of such origins truly melt her bitterness away? Could he truly take all of this rage, this anger, and even the pain? ]
She also isn't a total mess who needs to be ~saved~ by his healing cock, thanks.
[to accidentally kill or cull other trolls ]
Culling is killing.
[he would become the leader of a rebellion that banishes the adult trolls throughout space ]
That's a terribly misleading statement. "that makes the empress banish the adult trolls" would be more accurate.
Anyway...this seems to be going into really a trite romance plotline. You're writing her as really weak and angry, where in canon she's a much stronger character than that. She rolls with her misfortunes well and she's always waiting for a chance to reverse things. She's not miserable and her feelings about the summoner are quite complex even before meeting him.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6995595/1/Sunglasses
This is an okay story, but it really feels more like it's about OCs with a few traits in common.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7005242/1/Not_with_a_Bang_but_a_Whimper
[the Hemospectrum.]
[The Summoner]
Neither are capitalized.
["Who . . . who taught you how to fly? How . . . how did you learn?"
"Would you like to fly with me?"]
This seems rather forced. He can fly because he has wings, which none of the others do.
I like the end of this a lot - partly for the echo of what happens with their descendents, and mostly because it's a good twist to what she knows, fitting especially well with her comments about how the cueball is misleading.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7009301/1/His_Only
Drabble = 100 words exactly. It's a writing exercise, not a word for a short fic.
[Just maybe, it was when he had first seen her in person, as he had soared the skies. Luck was on his side as he had observed the proud captain on her deck ]
As she says, he won't be born for centuries at the time she gives that up.
[He was a confident man troll, so he seized the hand of his matesprit and gave him the most confident smile he had when she glanced over. ]
Don't repeat words and "man troll" is a ridiculous term.
Anyway...disappointing. You completely dodge the question raised about when he came to love her and so, in the process, why he does. So it comes across as empty and forced - he does because you say he does, that's not a very interesting answer or something that says anything about either of their characters.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6995757/1/Homestuck_Oneshots
Please use quotation marks, ", for dialogue, it's easier to read.
['K4RK4T?' ]
The rest isn't written in her quirk, so this shouldn't be either.
Anyway, this really doesn't feel IC. Karkat doesn't say he wants to be alone, he screams curses and insults.
['I'm hugging you because something is wrong and I want to help you with it. You won't tell me what it is, so I am trying to prove that I care, in the hope that you will tell me.' she said simply. ]
And Terezi is definitely not the generic straightforward caring girlfriend.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6982631/1/Homestuck_Love
It's really nice to see someone not calling shorts drabbles for once. That said, you really need to work on your mechanics.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Porn's banned on this site. You should consider posting on Archive of our Own, because sooner or later someone's going to go through deleting these.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7010907/1/Empty_Threat
Hm. I like this, but it's rather rough. The jumps from second to first person are particularly jarring.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6999813/1/Portalstuck
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Anyway, an interesting concept but the execution seems lackluster. GlaDOS doesn't sound like her usual self - too normal and prone to having real conversations, a far cry from the AI who was attempting to motivate the player by offers of cake. And too much explanation, as well - part of the portal atmosphere is mystery.
Karkat doesn't seem quite as ragey as usual, either.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6999813/2/Portalstuck
Hm, a bit better, but still far too much explaining and reasonableness by GlaDOS, and the idea the trolls are still aliens and unknown in this fic just feels terribly awkward, an unnecessary complication. (Plus, her psychic powers should render the tests pointless, since she wouldn't need a portal gun to get around.) And if Aradia's alive, she shouldn't be as passive as when she was a ghost - living Aradia has a very different personality than dead Aradia.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6914883/1/The_Irony_of_Bubblemates
This is adorable and impressively IC. Especially nice to see a well-written Tavros.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6914883/5/The_Irony_of_Bubblemates
Wonderful. I love how their relationship is going, as well as your worldbuilding.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7013536/1/Head_Over_Heels
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Anyway, this is done decently, but the pairing really seems forced. Especially because matespritship doesn't map exactly onto human love, yet there's no explanation here for why Tavros is feeling that way towards Gamzee just because the guy's being friendly. If his behavior is anything, it's that of a moirail, and even that's a bit of a stretch.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7017507/1/The_Bro_Code_Forbids
[ dad asked ]
When used in place of a name, it's capitalized Dad.
...that doesn't make much sense as a nightmare. John's a Hero of Breath, Jack without a ring wouldn't be any threat to him, and the whole thing is far too complex a setup and disconnected from the actual horror of Jack - an unstoppable unkillable thing that can teleport and stab anyone at any time.
[Dave knew it must have been one fucked up horrorterror. ]
Horrorterrors refer to particular creatures, not anything horrible and terrifying.
This was rather meh...seemed more like related OCs than the characters.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7017665/1/Forever
Well. Generic, OOC darkfic that doesn't take into account that Dave isn't a sobbing uke but quite capable of fighting back.
As time goes on, things get more and more like Pokemon fics...But also good stuff, so.
Fourteen stories left!
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Date: 2011-05-29 04:42 pm (UTC)