Reviews, fic
Jun. 29th, 2011 12:45 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/7102330/1/Zero_Sum
Ah, so that's your cruel change? That does work nicely and is so, so cruel. And it doesn't even feel like a change so much as how things should have gone, given the way the situation was set up originally.
[I'd nearly forgotten that that was killing too, however less direct.]
Good Rue, best morality pet. And she's just adorable, and Katniss having human emotions!
I also like how obvious the gamemaker's intervention is here, driving her right to Peeta. So much of the game was wandering around doing nothing much, it's nice to see some ratings focus.
On an ethical level this is such a mess. Peeta's helped her, so there's the obligation to help him, but helping him means killing someone else, unless Katniss dies for them both and being obligated to die because someone saved you from dying doesn't work well either. Third option time?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7105671/1/The_Seven_Deadly_Sins
This is really, really slow paced. I assume you mean for his life to seem banal, but it's not even aggressively banal. His morning sounds perfectly enjoyable to actually go through, just not interesting to read about. If you mean to make things seem dull and oppressive, you can't have describe it all with vivid detail.
[ a little gut in the middle as if it reminded him that he hadn't been working out in awhile. ]
"as if" doesn't work, you need something like "that".
[The Magnemite ]
Shouldn't be capitalized.
[Grime ruled king in his underground kingdom of darkness and filthiness. His subjects were the passengers of the subway and his slaves were the janitors who worked nonstop at his constant bidding. ]
This seems jarring. The wording is a different style than the rest of the fic, and it's pretty over the top in comparison as well.
[It won't be long until he has to get out. ]
You've jumped to present tense.
[He was worried about himself truth be told for many reasons. ]
Pretty sure you want commas around "truth be told".
[ I ran over to her as fast as I could and when I flipped her over I immediately knew she was dead. Her face gives me the chills…she looked like she was sleeping." ]
I find that kind of hard to believe. A drowned body is going to be bounced around and probably shrunken. And baking in the sun will cause contortion as well. It depends on how long the body was there, but unless she was very recently dead I find it hard to believe she had a nice expression.
[Tom read the article and found himself interested in the subject because he actually lived near the East Side of the Bay. ]
This sentence seems childish for some reason. I think cutting out the explicit explanation and just saying he was interested and lived in the area would be better, people can follow that his location is part of why he's interested without it being stated.
And huh. The ending is starting to get interesting, but I do feel like we took too long to get there. I'm not entirely sure if it's simply length or if it's style - as I said, it seems like the point of the mundane details is to make it seem dull and boring, and by the second half that's starting to work, but you use such perky terms in the opening (toast with jelly and steaming coffee may be ordinary, but hardly the bad kind of ordinary) that this doesn't come across and it feels like it's pointless.
Also, the FFN version of Taikyoku Ch8 is up. It's the single conversation that is AOOO's Ch8, and half of Ch9. Still no real idea for things to happen during the dance. Dances are very boring things, people. You need to suggest things or you'll be bored.
Also cat, cat why are you sleeping you slept all day, you need to go hunt the bugs what else do we keep you for. If a mosquito bites me I will judge you so hard cat.
Ah, so that's your cruel change? That does work nicely and is so, so cruel. And it doesn't even feel like a change so much as how things should have gone, given the way the situation was set up originally.
[I'd nearly forgotten that that was killing too, however less direct.]
Good Rue, best morality pet. And she's just adorable, and Katniss having human emotions!
I also like how obvious the gamemaker's intervention is here, driving her right to Peeta. So much of the game was wandering around doing nothing much, it's nice to see some ratings focus.
On an ethical level this is such a mess. Peeta's helped her, so there's the obligation to help him, but helping him means killing someone else, unless Katniss dies for them both and being obligated to die because someone saved you from dying doesn't work well either. Third option time?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7105671/1/The_Seven_Deadly_Sins
This is really, really slow paced. I assume you mean for his life to seem banal, but it's not even aggressively banal. His morning sounds perfectly enjoyable to actually go through, just not interesting to read about. If you mean to make things seem dull and oppressive, you can't have describe it all with vivid detail.
[ a little gut in the middle as if it reminded him that he hadn't been working out in awhile. ]
"as if" doesn't work, you need something like "that".
[The Magnemite ]
Shouldn't be capitalized.
[Grime ruled king in his underground kingdom of darkness and filthiness. His subjects were the passengers of the subway and his slaves were the janitors who worked nonstop at his constant bidding. ]
This seems jarring. The wording is a different style than the rest of the fic, and it's pretty over the top in comparison as well.
[It won't be long until he has to get out. ]
You've jumped to present tense.
[He was worried about himself truth be told for many reasons. ]
Pretty sure you want commas around "truth be told".
[ I ran over to her as fast as I could and when I flipped her over I immediately knew she was dead. Her face gives me the chills…she looked like she was sleeping." ]
I find that kind of hard to believe. A drowned body is going to be bounced around and probably shrunken. And baking in the sun will cause contortion as well. It depends on how long the body was there, but unless she was very recently dead I find it hard to believe she had a nice expression.
[Tom read the article and found himself interested in the subject because he actually lived near the East Side of the Bay. ]
This sentence seems childish for some reason. I think cutting out the explicit explanation and just saying he was interested and lived in the area would be better, people can follow that his location is part of why he's interested without it being stated.
And huh. The ending is starting to get interesting, but I do feel like we took too long to get there. I'm not entirely sure if it's simply length or if it's style - as I said, it seems like the point of the mundane details is to make it seem dull and boring, and by the second half that's starting to work, but you use such perky terms in the opening (toast with jelly and steaming coffee may be ordinary, but hardly the bad kind of ordinary) that this doesn't come across and it feels like it's pointless.
Also, the FFN version of Taikyoku Ch8 is up. It's the single conversation that is AOOO's Ch8, and half of Ch9. Still no real idea for things to happen during the dance. Dances are very boring things, people. You need to suggest things or you'll be bored.
Also cat, cat why are you sleeping you slept all day, you need to go hunt the bugs what else do we keep you for. If a mosquito bites me I will judge you so hard cat.
