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farlaWell all my careful calculations are moot now. HATE.
On the brighter side, now if you add up all the Black Queen/Jack Noir and Snowman/Spades Slick, they're about as much as Problem Sleuth/Spades Slick.
Which is actually still depressing, but at least it's less depressing than before. And at least Snowman has a healthy lead on Problem Sleuth again.
Upside Down (DD, CD (SS, HB))
Placing his hands on his knees, he allows himself to close his eyes and think for a moment: the Midnight Crew, so ruthless; Droog and his passionless violence; Slick and his hydrofluoric attitude; Deuce with his demolitions, little slaughters.
This reads awkwardly. It doesn't seem right that Droog would think of himself like that. And I don't quite think demolitions works well with little slaughters - they're often quite the opposite.
The doctor is a stocky Prospitian, a former pawn
They're all former pawns.
Those quibbles aside, I like the rest of this a lot - all the details in the way you describe how they're acting (Droog not bothering to say hello, that Slick would probably be raging into the phone even if he was the injured one) are brilliantly done, and I love CD's view of things as well - it's a nice middle ground, he's not so dumb you wonder how he keeps up with the rest without being exactly the way they are, and he's insightful in his own way.
Good Deuce, Best Friend (HB (DD, SS, CD))
Funny, and it's nice to see a more assholeish take on the crew.
Let's Rock The Heist (Karkat (Vriska, Terezi, Snowman, Slick))
“Scram, scum! We got here first!” Karkat bared his teeth at the girl in the bucket.
“You’ve got plenty of room, asshole! And my dad told me to find a spot and stick to it while he finished work, so just try and see if you can kick me out–”
You shouldn't arrange dialogue like this. Like any paragraph, the same thought goes together, so something with the subject of what Karkat's doing generally goes with what Karkat's saying. What you have right now is confusing, it looks like Karkat's telling them to scram.
Anyway, this works surprisingly well. I can see all of them dragging their kids along to fights and leaving them to fend for themselves, and you do a good job implying interesting things about Vriska and Terezi despite how limited their interaction is. And Snowmom is inexplicably appealing.
And I'm curious where this is going - the girls have stopped showing up, and now Karkat's going to be actually part of the fights, which really can't be leading anywhere nice.
'Round Midnight (PS (SS))
Sepulchritude (PS (SS))
Natural Anthem (WK (WQ, PM, AR, WV))
Lovely writing. And there's something sort of pleasant to this - he's struggling with the trek, but there's no resentment.
with his pet flying faithfully behind
What pet, though?
Keeping Karkat (PS (Karkat, HD, SS))
The Care and Keeping Of (SS, HB, DD, CD, Snowman)
Snowman makes them take care of her cat. Banter and amusement.
The House of Shade and Clocks (Kanaya (Rose, Dave, Doc Scratch))
Terribly interesting. The prose is painfully well done, and the characters fit in amazingly well even before the full explanation is given, and of course the dialogue is a thing of joy and snark. I'm particularly curious about what's behind the house, if the Doc Scratch in it is just a fake - though I suppose that doesn't mean the real one can't be connected to this whole thing in some manner.
Dibs (PS (SS))
This is one of the better PS/SS ones, I think. I suppose it's because if you're portraying Slick as a completely unhinged psychopath it's a bit easier to accept any other weird thing he's doing as part of that. In ones where he's doing a better impression of a functional human/carapace being, the inability to explain why he's so into Sleuth is more of an issue. Doesn't really explain Sleuth's side of it that well, though - it requires a lot of stretching by that point.
Anyway
DD, CD (SS, HB)
HB (DD, SS, CD)
Karkat (Vriska, Terezi, Snowman, Slick)
PS (SS)
PS (SS)
WK (WQ, PM, AR, WV)
PS (Karkat, HD, SS)
SS, HB, DD, CD, Snowman
Kanaya (Rose, Dave, Doc Scratch)
PS (SS)
Two of ten.
On the brighter side, now if you add up all the Black Queen/Jack Noir and Snowman/Spades Slick, they're about as much as Problem Sleuth/Spades Slick.
Which is actually still depressing, but at least it's less depressing than before. And at least Snowman has a healthy lead on Problem Sleuth again.
Upside Down (DD, CD (SS, HB))
Placing his hands on his knees, he allows himself to close his eyes and think for a moment: the Midnight Crew, so ruthless; Droog and his passionless violence; Slick and his hydrofluoric attitude; Deuce with his demolitions, little slaughters.
This reads awkwardly. It doesn't seem right that Droog would think of himself like that. And I don't quite think demolitions works well with little slaughters - they're often quite the opposite.
The doctor is a stocky Prospitian, a former pawn
They're all former pawns.
Those quibbles aside, I like the rest of this a lot - all the details in the way you describe how they're acting (Droog not bothering to say hello, that Slick would probably be raging into the phone even if he was the injured one) are brilliantly done, and I love CD's view of things as well - it's a nice middle ground, he's not so dumb you wonder how he keeps up with the rest without being exactly the way they are, and he's insightful in his own way.
Good Deuce, Best Friend (HB (DD, SS, CD))
Funny, and it's nice to see a more assholeish take on the crew.
Let's Rock The Heist (Karkat (Vriska, Terezi, Snowman, Slick))
“Scram, scum! We got here first!” Karkat bared his teeth at the girl in the bucket.
“You’ve got plenty of room, asshole! And my dad told me to find a spot and stick to it while he finished work, so just try and see if you can kick me out–”
You shouldn't arrange dialogue like this. Like any paragraph, the same thought goes together, so something with the subject of what Karkat's doing generally goes with what Karkat's saying. What you have right now is confusing, it looks like Karkat's telling them to scram.
Anyway, this works surprisingly well. I can see all of them dragging their kids along to fights and leaving them to fend for themselves, and you do a good job implying interesting things about Vriska and Terezi despite how limited their interaction is. And Snowmom is inexplicably appealing.
And I'm curious where this is going - the girls have stopped showing up, and now Karkat's going to be actually part of the fights, which really can't be leading anywhere nice.
'Round Midnight (PS (SS))
Sepulchritude (PS (SS))
Natural Anthem (WK (WQ, PM, AR, WV))
Lovely writing. And there's something sort of pleasant to this - he's struggling with the trek, but there's no resentment.
with his pet flying faithfully behind
What pet, though?
Keeping Karkat (PS (Karkat, HD, SS))
The Care and Keeping Of (SS, HB, DD, CD, Snowman)
Snowman makes them take care of her cat. Banter and amusement.
The House of Shade and Clocks (Kanaya (Rose, Dave, Doc Scratch))
Terribly interesting. The prose is painfully well done, and the characters fit in amazingly well even before the full explanation is given, and of course the dialogue is a thing of joy and snark. I'm particularly curious about what's behind the house, if the Doc Scratch in it is just a fake - though I suppose that doesn't mean the real one can't be connected to this whole thing in some manner.
Dibs (PS (SS))
This is one of the better PS/SS ones, I think. I suppose it's because if you're portraying Slick as a completely unhinged psychopath it's a bit easier to accept any other weird thing he's doing as part of that. In ones where he's doing a better impression of a functional human/carapace being, the inability to explain why he's so into Sleuth is more of an issue. Doesn't really explain Sleuth's side of it that well, though - it requires a lot of stretching by that point.
Anyway
DD, CD (SS, HB)
HB (DD, SS, CD)
Karkat (Vriska, Terezi, Snowman, Slick)
PS (SS)
PS (SS)
WK (WQ, PM, AR, WV)
PS (Karkat, HD, SS)
SS, HB, DD, CD, Snowman
Kanaya (Rose, Dave, Doc Scratch)
PS (SS)
Two of ten.
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Date: 2011-10-17 04:14 am (UTC)Serenity the firefly!
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Date: 2011-10-17 07:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-17 08:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-17 09:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-17 07:48 pm (UTC)Also, looks like you've got some broken HTML there.