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Jul. 8th, 2005 11:55 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlaRecently, an author by the name of Zippi (who, I just noticed, has in-profile bitching about me) posted a story titled Schlange.
Schlange is an impressive story in that it's actually worse than the usual OT tripe. It's less than a page, not spellchecked, the name of the main character is 'Schlange' and it starts off with a pointless journal entry that pretty much summarizes the story and all the stupidity that will be involved.
Dear Journal,
Today Mom gave me and Amory a pokéball each. She says that it is our destiny to become a great pokémon trainer. I think battling is cruel to the pokémon, so I’m going to be the world’s greatest breeder. I only care about if my pokémon is happy, as long as my family accepts it. I wonder what pokémon I got. I hope it is a Dratini, though our family belives they are curses. I got first pick of pokéball, because it is my fifteenth birthday. So long, Schlange
Let us rip this apart.
Firstly, notice that it's their mother is giving them pokeballs. This will be important. Also notice that although Amory is not her twin, they're both getting these pokeballs at the same time, which makes little sense - if the mother wanted them to be trainers, she'd have given a pokeball to the elder child earlier.
Next there's the 'pokemon battling is cruel' crap, which, as usual, is just there because the author wants her character to look good.
Then we get into the really stupid part. Schlange hopes it'll be a dratini. Now, there are nearly four hundred pokemon, so the odds of her randomly getting the one pokemon she wants are low, and the odds of getting an especially rare one lower. But no, the author has to go and make it worse. Apparently, her family hates dratini, and Schlange inexplicably doesn't. And remember, this is a pokeball her mother gave her, and there's no way her mother would be keeping a dratini if she thinks they're curses. Incidentally, 'curses' sounds so horribly awkward I would hate the story just for that.
(Oh, and don't forget that she's apparently writing in her diary that she wonders what pokemon she has, rather than just opening it and looking.)
And it's her fifteenth birthday, because, I guess, the author didn't think her story was bad enough.
After this, journal-mode ends and Schlange is called down to the den. Why she went anywhere isn't explained. She releases her pokemon and it's...a rattata!
Okay, it's a dratini. Raise your hand if you're surprised.
Then her mother (who gave her the pokeball, remember) says: “Get out of this house, Dratini are curses,” Mom reacted unfairly and unkindly to the appearance of Dratini. “You should have gotten a Pikachu or something like that, anything but a Dratini!”
I know I'm probably thinking too rationally, but if you want your kid to have a pikachu and not a dratini, why would you give your kid a dratini? And why would you be surprised when you were the one handing out the pokeballs? One of the two kids had to end up with a dratini.
So Schlange is kicked out of her house. And a storm has just started. So she runs to several friend's houses but they all kick her out, presumably because they don't like dratini, although the story's pretty unclear about it. And she winds up at the pokecenter, and the story ends with:
That night I released Dratini and asked, “So, Dratini, are you a curse?"
Dratini shrugged. The snake-like creature currled up and fell asleep, I fell asleep soon after.
But then it gets better. We go now to the reviews.
One Who Rides On The Wind wrote:
I agree with Farla. It just sounds to perfect, other than the part with Dratini being a curse.
Maybe, instead of releasing the Dratini and making her be Miss Perfect, having the main character refuse to ditch it and run away from home, train to become a Pokémon breeder and at least have some troubles and struggles on her quest. Like the Pokémon refuse to breed. (ew!) Or something to that agenda.
This is not a flame. I'm just trying to give you some constructive critism. I'll continue reading and try to bring you to your full potential to be the best author you can be. Let's see if you become better, okay?
Til' then, Ja ne!
~*~The Wind Rider~*~
Schlange is an impressive story in that it's actually worse than the usual OT tripe. It's less than a page, not spellchecked, the name of the main character is 'Schlange' and it starts off with a pointless journal entry that pretty much summarizes the story and all the stupidity that will be involved.
Dear Journal,
Today Mom gave me and Amory a pokéball each. She says that it is our destiny to become a great pokémon trainer. I think battling is cruel to the pokémon, so I’m going to be the world’s greatest breeder. I only care about if my pokémon is happy, as long as my family accepts it. I wonder what pokémon I got. I hope it is a Dratini, though our family belives they are curses. I got first pick of pokéball, because it is my fifteenth birthday. So long, Schlange
Let us rip this apart.
Firstly, notice that it's their mother is giving them pokeballs. This will be important. Also notice that although Amory is not her twin, they're both getting these pokeballs at the same time, which makes little sense - if the mother wanted them to be trainers, she'd have given a pokeball to the elder child earlier.
Next there's the 'pokemon battling is cruel' crap, which, as usual, is just there because the author wants her character to look good.
Then we get into the really stupid part. Schlange hopes it'll be a dratini. Now, there are nearly four hundred pokemon, so the odds of her randomly getting the one pokemon she wants are low, and the odds of getting an especially rare one lower. But no, the author has to go and make it worse. Apparently, her family hates dratini, and Schlange inexplicably doesn't. And remember, this is a pokeball her mother gave her, and there's no way her mother would be keeping a dratini if she thinks they're curses. Incidentally, 'curses' sounds so horribly awkward I would hate the story just for that.
(Oh, and don't forget that she's apparently writing in her diary that she wonders what pokemon she has, rather than just opening it and looking.)
And it's her fifteenth birthday, because, I guess, the author didn't think her story was bad enough.
After this, journal-mode ends and Schlange is called down to the den. Why she went anywhere isn't explained. She releases her pokemon and it's...a rattata!
Okay, it's a dratini. Raise your hand if you're surprised.
Then her mother (who gave her the pokeball, remember) says: “Get out of this house, Dratini are curses,” Mom reacted unfairly and unkindly to the appearance of Dratini. “You should have gotten a Pikachu or something like that, anything but a Dratini!”
I know I'm probably thinking too rationally, but if you want your kid to have a pikachu and not a dratini, why would you give your kid a dratini? And why would you be surprised when you were the one handing out the pokeballs? One of the two kids had to end up with a dratini.
So Schlange is kicked out of her house. And a storm has just started. So she runs to several friend's houses but they all kick her out, presumably because they don't like dratini, although the story's pretty unclear about it. And she winds up at the pokecenter, and the story ends with:
That night I released Dratini and asked, “So, Dratini, are you a curse?"
Dratini shrugged. The snake-like creature currled up and fell asleep, I fell asleep soon after.
But then it gets better. We go now to the reviews.
One Who Rides On The Wind wrote:
I agree with Farla. It just sounds to perfect, other than the part with Dratini being a curse.
Maybe, instead of releasing the Dratini and making her be Miss Perfect, having the main character refuse to ditch it and run away from home, train to become a Pokémon breeder and at least have some troubles and struggles on her quest. Like the Pokémon refuse to breed. (ew!) Or something to that agenda.
This is not a flame. I'm just trying to give you some constructive critism. I'll continue reading and try to bring you to your full potential to be the best author you can be. Let's see if you become better, okay?
Til' then, Ja ne!
~*~The Wind Rider~*~
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no subject
Date: 2005-07-20 09:10 pm (UTC)Blah.