Inheritors Ch6
May. 17th, 2008 10:21 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlaChapter Six of Inheritors is up.
So, first I had each chapter having half the readers of last time. Then all chapters past the first had almost the exact same number. And now the fourth chapter has more hits than the third, so I think pattern has given way to chaos.
Also, Silawen was nice enough to alert me to a new review over on Serebii. It is made of lol. Highlights include demanding more description despite completely missing half the description in the current version (or even the previous review where I correct the same mistake and say Mada is called he) and accusing me of using a thesaurus, which makes me really sad for humanity.
First of all I must note that this review won’t be very long as you only have a few chapters up, it may just take me an hour or so to complete. *Sets stopwatch*
Must note that I know you are banned, but after deliberation with others I decided to go through and review this.
(Note this. It's unclear if he means he knows anything about the banning or simply just making a comment about the fact I'm not around at the moment, but considering everyone at the time assumed I was temporarily banned and he seems to act like it's permanent, it's interesting. Of course later he references my updating the story, so who knows? He does act like he's got an ax to grind for the rest of the review, though.)
Now the formalities are out of the way to the actual fiction.
Now perhaps here at the start, you could have put in a short ‘Authors Notes’ section that would basically explain all the things you would like to know before getting into reading it, perhaps add a little basis of the plot and what genre this would generally fall into.
Quote:
That was the kitchen. Dama was cooking, then.
This bit to me seemed awful choppy. Perhaps it could have read, “That was the kitchen, it would seem Dama is cooking.”
Quote:
they finished eating more quickly than pn a normal morning
I cannot decipher whether this was a typo or not the ‘pn’ part. I’m guessing its vestigial.
Anyway, I read the first chapter finding myself utterly perplexed at who was doing what.
I mean, First of all, all I have to go on is fur, a tail and can communicate telepathically for description
(All he has to go on. Seriously.)
and there are two adults of equally non-existent description, one called Dama, the other Mada. Okay, I’m guessing one is female and the other male, but only through my powers of deduction could I jump the gap to say that Mada is female because of the M (mum, mom, mother etc.) and Dama is male (Dad, daddy etc.)
(Or, you know, paying attention to what gender they're referred to with. But that's not description so he doesn't bother to read it, I guess.)
At least the ‘plot’ was easier to follow. ‘Kid’ wants to become trainer, gets pokeball, nuff sed.
(lol no.)
Quote:
There were some birds, but he had no real interest in flying things, finding them bland and a bit absurd in their clumsy insistence on wings. The beedrill he came upon next he considered even less suitable. He looked at the bugs with an aloof but disgusted disdain as they tended their eggs and pupae, and he didn't even spare a glance for the weedle he passed, the small things chewing thoughtlessly at leaves. A pack of nidoran argued in excited, sharp sounds, oblivious to his presence, but after some consideration he decided against them for the moment.
This part made no sense. What were these, I’m guessing at creatures with un-capitalised names? A Beedrill? A Weedle? Nidoran? I’m sure that without description you can’t possibly tell me what they are. Describe yourself, without using any description. You’re a name and a consciousness.
(This is pretty much textbook Serebiifail. It's actually one of the things that bothered me about many of the early parodies I read, where the writer would pretend they didn't understand what was going on and demand everything be spelled out or else they'd misunderstand. "She rolled her eyes? Sounds painful" sort of junk.)
Quote:
They traded blows like this for several minutes
Yawn. Who wants to read a Scratch fest, certainly not me and I’m sure a lot of other people.
(Okay, I can't make sense of this. Either he's being sarcastic and saying he does want to read it, at which point WTF is the only possible reply, or he's complaining it's a boring scratch fest that should have been skimmed over...when it's one line. The only thing that would make some sense is if he means I should have written something else entirely where the pokemon know better moves, and that's really a rather awful suggestion in its own right.)
Quote:
He stepped over to touch the battered sandshrew with one hand and recover it a second time
How is that fair, the trainer can just continually heal his pokemon whilst the wild pokemon can do nothing but fight until exhausted, to quote an earlier reviewer “this fic is Boring. With a capital B.” However I might capitalise a few more letters to get more emphasis in there.
(Serebiifen: so close and yet so incredibly far at the same time. If we could just figure out a way to hook it up like the cat/buttered toast setup and harness the contradiction for power, we'd solve the energy crisis.)
Well you seem to put little emphasis on what the hell happened to ‘man’ and you said it would make it clearer? Not really, all I heard was a bloke talking about being worthy to inherit, and what you have here. The start, first pokemon, first capture (obviously here it was fused) first trainer battle, first trip to new town etc. Good, hell, even competent writers can make this stretch it out, perhaps not in more chapters as that would be too slow, but with lengthier description more emphasis on the people. (If this is so based on culture then why am I not picking any of it up, social interaction is as important than most things for judging culture.)
(He's bored, so he's saying I'm going too fast and should have slowed it down. Cookies to those who can explain how this makes sense.)
Anyway. To sum this up nicely in one package.
*snores* Sorry, must have dozed off there. Personally, I’ve read more entertaining coasters.
The description is severely lacking and there is no sense of patience, you rush from one point to the next leaving a mangled corpse named description in your wake. Yes I know I’m mentioning it a lot, because it was that bad I thought I’d subconsciously drill it into your brain.
You do however have a good use of words. Or a thesaurus, I’ll leave it up to you if you want to confess to either.
Anyway I’d like to say that you have not hooked me as a reader and will not read this again, however much you update. 2.2 out of 10.
And the time stops at 46:34:365 minutes to do this. Huzzah, a new record.
(So he's saying there's no sense of patience and no description, even though he missed a lot by speed reading and not paying attention. Ah, Serebii. I should have just done this in the first place, the fail this uncovers honestly makes Lucki pale in comparison. At least there people made a stab at decent reviews, even if they kept backing off at icemew's prompts.)
Better luck next time.
(In fairness, I'm not sure how much of this review was him just trying to find things to be bitchy about and how much was honest, so it's possible he's not totally incompetent and just happened to go out of his way to not like the story. For those who follow Serebii - is Diddy on the opposite side of anything Irin was arguing about?)
So, first I had each chapter having half the readers of last time. Then all chapters past the first had almost the exact same number. And now the fourth chapter has more hits than the third, so I think pattern has given way to chaos.
Also, Silawen was nice enough to alert me to a new review over on Serebii. It is made of lol. Highlights include demanding more description despite completely missing half the description in the current version (or even the previous review where I correct the same mistake and say Mada is called he) and accusing me of using a thesaurus, which makes me really sad for humanity.
First of all I must note that this review won’t be very long as you only have a few chapters up, it may just take me an hour or so to complete. *Sets stopwatch*
Must note that I know you are banned, but after deliberation with others I decided to go through and review this.
(Note this. It's unclear if he means he knows anything about the banning or simply just making a comment about the fact I'm not around at the moment, but considering everyone at the time assumed I was temporarily banned and he seems to act like it's permanent, it's interesting. Of course later he references my updating the story, so who knows? He does act like he's got an ax to grind for the rest of the review, though.)
Now the formalities are out of the way to the actual fiction.
Now perhaps here at the start, you could have put in a short ‘Authors Notes’ section that would basically explain all the things you would like to know before getting into reading it, perhaps add a little basis of the plot and what genre this would generally fall into.
Quote:
That was the kitchen. Dama was cooking, then.
This bit to me seemed awful choppy. Perhaps it could have read, “That was the kitchen, it would seem Dama is cooking.”
Quote:
they finished eating more quickly than pn a normal morning
I cannot decipher whether this was a typo or not the ‘pn’ part. I’m guessing its vestigial.
Anyway, I read the first chapter finding myself utterly perplexed at who was doing what.
I mean, First of all, all I have to go on is fur, a tail and can communicate telepathically for description
(All he has to go on. Seriously.)
and there are two adults of equally non-existent description, one called Dama, the other Mada. Okay, I’m guessing one is female and the other male, but only through my powers of deduction could I jump the gap to say that Mada is female because of the M (mum, mom, mother etc.) and Dama is male (Dad, daddy etc.)
(Or, you know, paying attention to what gender they're referred to with. But that's not description so he doesn't bother to read it, I guess.)
At least the ‘plot’ was easier to follow. ‘Kid’ wants to become trainer, gets pokeball, nuff sed.
(lol no.)
Quote:
There were some birds, but he had no real interest in flying things, finding them bland and a bit absurd in their clumsy insistence on wings. The beedrill he came upon next he considered even less suitable. He looked at the bugs with an aloof but disgusted disdain as they tended their eggs and pupae, and he didn't even spare a glance for the weedle he passed, the small things chewing thoughtlessly at leaves. A pack of nidoran argued in excited, sharp sounds, oblivious to his presence, but after some consideration he decided against them for the moment.
This part made no sense. What were these, I’m guessing at creatures with un-capitalised names? A Beedrill? A Weedle? Nidoran? I’m sure that without description you can’t possibly tell me what they are. Describe yourself, without using any description. You’re a name and a consciousness.
(This is pretty much textbook Serebiifail. It's actually one of the things that bothered me about many of the early parodies I read, where the writer would pretend they didn't understand what was going on and demand everything be spelled out or else they'd misunderstand. "She rolled her eyes? Sounds painful" sort of junk.)
Quote:
They traded blows like this for several minutes
Yawn. Who wants to read a Scratch fest, certainly not me and I’m sure a lot of other people.
(Okay, I can't make sense of this. Either he's being sarcastic and saying he does want to read it, at which point WTF is the only possible reply, or he's complaining it's a boring scratch fest that should have been skimmed over...when it's one line. The only thing that would make some sense is if he means I should have written something else entirely where the pokemon know better moves, and that's really a rather awful suggestion in its own right.)
Quote:
He stepped over to touch the battered sandshrew with one hand and recover it a second time
How is that fair, the trainer can just continually heal his pokemon whilst the wild pokemon can do nothing but fight until exhausted, to quote an earlier reviewer “this fic is Boring. With a capital B.” However I might capitalise a few more letters to get more emphasis in there.
(Serebiifen: so close and yet so incredibly far at the same time. If we could just figure out a way to hook it up like the cat/buttered toast setup and harness the contradiction for power, we'd solve the energy crisis.)
Well you seem to put little emphasis on what the hell happened to ‘man’ and you said it would make it clearer? Not really, all I heard was a bloke talking about being worthy to inherit, and what you have here. The start, first pokemon, first capture (obviously here it was fused) first trainer battle, first trip to new town etc. Good, hell, even competent writers can make this stretch it out, perhaps not in more chapters as that would be too slow, but with lengthier description more emphasis on the people. (If this is so based on culture then why am I not picking any of it up, social interaction is as important than most things for judging culture.)
(He's bored, so he's saying I'm going too fast and should have slowed it down. Cookies to those who can explain how this makes sense.)
Anyway. To sum this up nicely in one package.
*snores* Sorry, must have dozed off there. Personally, I’ve read more entertaining coasters.
The description is severely lacking and there is no sense of patience, you rush from one point to the next leaving a mangled corpse named description in your wake. Yes I know I’m mentioning it a lot, because it was that bad I thought I’d subconsciously drill it into your brain.
You do however have a good use of words. Or a thesaurus, I’ll leave it up to you if you want to confess to either.
Anyway I’d like to say that you have not hooked me as a reader and will not read this again, however much you update. 2.2 out of 10.
And the time stops at 46:34:365 minutes to do this. Huzzah, a new record.
(So he's saying there's no sense of patience and no description, even though he missed a lot by speed reading and not paying attention. Ah, Serebii. I should have just done this in the first place, the fail this uncovers honestly makes Lucki pale in comparison. At least there people made a stab at decent reviews, even if they kept backing off at icemew's prompts.)
Better luck next time.
(In fairness, I'm not sure how much of this review was him just trying to find things to be bitchy about and how much was honest, so it's possible he's not totally incompetent and just happened to go out of his way to not like the story. For those who follow Serebii - is Diddy on the opposite side of anything Irin was arguing about?)
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2008-05-17 04:22 pm (UTC)Note this. It's unclear if he means he knows anything about the banning or simply just making a comment about the fact I'm not around at the moment, but considering everyone at the time assumed I was temporarily banned and he seems to act like it's permanent, it's interesting. Of course later he references my updating the story, so who knows? He does act like he's got an ax to grind for the rest of the review, though.
I'm pretty sure he doesn't know you're banned 'forever'. I remember him posting a question somewhere - which I've been trying to locate, but can't find *sadface* - that was about whether or not he should review now, or wait until you returned. The basic consensus was that he might as well review now, before he'd forget, and you would be able to read it when you came back. Or, you know, Irin. : P
For those who follow Serebii - is Diddy on the opposite side of anything Irin was arguing about?
Not particularly so, I don't think. I can remember him both agreeing and disagreeing with things you said.
no subject
Date: 2008-05-17 04:29 pm (UTC)...which only leads me back to the question of why he seems to have such an ax to grind. Perhaps there's no particular reason, then.
no subject
Date: 2008-05-17 04:38 pm (UTC)Could be he's just been influenced by everyone else's 'hatred' of you and decided to agree. He might have thought it'd make him more popular, or something. Or he's just a coward who wants to appear tough but doesn't dare pulling things like that with people who aren't banned.
(By the by, I have something to show you that I'd rather not post here. Would it be okay if I used the Pm function here on LJ, or would you rather I emailed it to you? It's quite funny, I'm sure you'd enjoy it.)
no subject
Date: 2008-05-17 04:58 pm (UTC)I'd prefer email, but either's fine.
no subject
Date: 2008-05-17 07:09 pm (UTC)and there are two adults of equally non-existent description, one called Dama, the other Mada. Okay, I’m guessing one is female and the other male, but only through my powers of deduction could I jump the gap to say that Mada is female because of the M (mum, mom, mother etc.) and Dama is male (Dad, daddy etc.)
Wow. Wow. He just missed it, didn't he? He actually thought to analyze the consonants, but somehow failed to take into account that there are two of them.
no subject
Date: 2008-05-18 01:16 am (UTC)Wow. Wow. He just missed it, didn't he? He actually thought to analyze the consonants, but somehow failed to take into account that there are two of them.
Yeah, he stalled right at realizing he should pay attention to syllables. He lists three names for mother, none of which start with ma. It's very much the same as him spending the time to analyze it rather than just checking to see if they'd been assigned a gender or not.
no subject
Date: 2008-05-18 01:32 am (UTC)Yes, not to mention a world in which psychic powers are treated like that is about as realistic as the prospect of the neo-Luddites winning out in this world. Failing to use all available advantages goes against not just human nature, but the nature of everything evolution has been hardwiring into the psyches of living creatures for as long as living creatures have had psyches. There'd be some cult or religion or activist movement advocating that view, sure, but they'd be seen by society as a whole as naive at best and radical lunatics at worst.
no subject
Date: 2008-05-18 01:42 am (UTC)...Which means that a society of frail psychics would probably have similar trains of thought on the idea of physically restraining someone with musclepower. Hm.
no subject
Date: 2008-05-18 01:53 am (UTC)Well of course they would. It's so brutal don't you think? And the possibility of inadvertently causing injury is just unacceptable. Not to mention the inherent invasiveness of it — there is such a thing as the sanctity of one's own body, you know!