NaRe, Day 4
Dec. 4th, 2009 11:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/5553095/1/Cyber_Entity
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
...first sentence of your story, and you didn't start it with a capital. Oh, we are not getting off to a good start.
"his computer spat out a small cartage for a gaming system of some sort. He held it in the soft pink light reflecting off the sky, the small gray cartage bore a title on a black sticker: Platinum Eclipse."
Computers are not interchangeable with replicators, and therefore, you should probably take the time to explain exactly where this cartridge (cartage is "The act or process of carting. The cost of carting") in relation to the computer. Is it inserted into a port, and being released now that he's done? Is it being spontaneously generated out of the screen, because sanity has no place here?
"they thought they could steal my system and get away with it"
Okay, so system has to be the absolutely worst word you could have used here, barring stuff like cartage. Do you mean "game"? Or "basic underlying system of code of the game" or "system of pokemon battling" or possibly "gameboy design the game plays on, known as a game system"? Or some completely different thing that Nintendo was involved with?
"Stuffing it into his pocket and walking towards the door of his apartment lit only by the dawns rays."
Sentence fragment. Actually, a lot of your sentences are a mess. Try reading aloud or something, you could stand to reword basically everything.
...his master plan is to replace one single cartridge? So I assume that the whole system bit is a delusion because god knows there's no way this moron could be bright enough to invent anything anyone would steal.
Later, that case of merchandise is damaged in transit and returned to eventually be landfilled. Or possibly stays in the warehouse due to demand being less than anticipated. Or bought by a collector who never removes it from its pristine packaging.
It's dumb to put all your eggs in one basket, but it's dumber to only get one egg in the first place.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned.
"Hmph, this will be great, though I do feel sorry for the person that will get this virus first, if their family fails to admit them to a hospital within forty-eight hours things could get uglier for that person then the rest of the victims"
That's right! You show that corporation by infecting innocent kids who have nothing to do with it! Next up, get back at Cindy from middle school by sending anthrax-filled letters to random people in China, and then teach the dog not to poop on the carpet by throwing rocks through hospital windows. JUSTICE!
Also he'd better have dusted that cartridge with an actual virus because computer viruses aren't.
"as an annoying woman's voice called"
Unless her voice is actually annoying, no, it wasn't. This is her first introduction, she hasn't even spoken yet, she is not 'an annoying woman' yet.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, not mom. It's only in constructions like my/her/the mom that it's written as such.
…
Jesus. Fucking. Christ. This is pokemon fanfic. You must have played at least one game at least one time, so you must have some memory, however dim, of what the opening looked like. And don't give me any "but Farla, this is my special made up game" because that does not explain why you replaced the regular pokemon opening found in oh, every fucking iteration so far, with some completely generic game startup. Even ones like PMD start off asking who you are, not about how you want to design your character.
Plus, do not even try to say that you can talk to it.
No, it can't fucking make make a character that looks exactly like you spontaneously. Just have her design the character. Hell,you already do this, so I don't see what's added by having it start off magically being able to make an accurate picture.
"Nikki felt a quick jolt of static as she transferred into the character just created, as she blinked suddenly she was in a cream room. He flicked her elongated brown red hair over her shoulder and smirked. "
NO.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5554483/1/Cant_look_back
Capitalize your title properly.
Use spellcheck.
Stop producing crap.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5554539/1/Pokemon_Sparkling_Diamond_and_Glittering_Pearl
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric and items like pokeballs.
Also, this isn't a story and therefore shouldn't be on the site.
For good measure: Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5554809/1/Clipping
Dialogue is written as - wait. It - commas...end...sentences...right? what is this i don't even
…
Okay.
I think you could stand to tighten up some of these articles, since newspapers tend to put space at a premium, and also some of your clarifications aren't needed. Like "source speaking on the condition on anonymity because they were not yet authorized to be speaking about the situation" could probably just end at anonymity (and maybe the next article puts it as "anonymous source"). That second "on" should be "of", too.
"It is well-known by the locals and warned by the scientists who oversee the area that it is not possible to get cell or radio service while inside the ruins."
Try for active voice. "Locals say..." kind of thing. This is awkwardly worded.
Oh, and you should have an opinion piece! There are always opinion pieces. Always.
Aside from the tragic lack of a rambling piece of vague but emphatic ranting using this to push some completely unrelated point, though, you've done a good job of structuring in a newspapery way. I like the way information is repeated and updated with each new bit.
I find the bit from the scientist saying the ceiling probably just collapsed interesting, since it brings to mind the bizarre way you can cross over cracked floor, fall in, and then come back up to find the floor fixed. Do the ruins actually have nightmare Cthulian architecture under the control of our unown masters, or is it just the more mundane kind of unstable, where there are easily missed holes and slippery slopes?
While the League putting out a warning makes sense, I'm not quite clear about what a pokedex update would be. If you have to be told about the update, then they might as well just give the warning. Are the pokedexes on some sort of wifi update system, so the announcement is just a by the way sort of thing? Or are they doing the update in the pokecenters, and it's that there's a lot more detailed information in the update, so they're just telling you to get it? It doesn't seem like there's that much to tell. (Or is it something like the update comes with general safety directions for caves they want all the trainers to read?)
Oh, and I wonder if the fact it was a houndour has anything to do with it, since the unown are all psychic types.
Anyway, interesting!
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5554877/1/From_the_town_of_Pallet
Capitalize your title properly.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric and items like pokeballs.
So...this seems to be basically recapping the first episode.
"Its" is possessive, as in, its story. "It's" means "it is".
And...yeah, basically recapping the first episode. I mean, look, yeah you can write a fanfic about what a character thought at the time, but come on, the first episode? Ash pretty much says anything he's thinking aloud, and the two thoughts he manages to keep his mouth shut for he emotes clearly enough for blind people three miles off to see. So you're taking an episode full of Ash doing stuff, and replacing it by telling us about Ash he's going to do something or that he's just done something.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5554655/1/Pokemon_Kingdom_Crossover
Don't use ' for thoughts, it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse. As long as you put a "he thought" at the end you generally don't need any markers, anyway.
Look, if you're going to translate pokemon speech, just do it, don't pad things by writing a string of nonsense first.
...okay, so you're basically writing this like it's a script. "This was happening. (Talk) Then this person appeared. (Talk) Then this happened." Use narration. Describe the setting and what's going on, don't just tell us it's around somewhere.
Also, uh, Sora is traveling with a talking duck and buys stuff from moogles. He's not going to identify Pikachu as particularly weird and deserving of an explanation. If anything, he's learned by now that he won't be getting on. If you want a setup where Ash realizes he doesn't have a clue what pokemon are, having Sora try to talk with Pikachu like it's the same as a talking duck or moogle would probably work.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric and items like pokeballs.
"Sora couldn't answer that, as Donald told him not to let on that he was from another world."
SHOW, DON'T TELL. These shouldn't be like script notes reminding you why something's happening, they should be a part of the characters. "Sora hesitated. Should he explain? Donald had told him not to let on that he was from another world. What should he do? "I'm from...somewhere far away," he said finally. It wasn't technically a lie, after all."
"I'm not going to bother doing the individual Pokemon Episodes, as they'll take too much time, the good parts are in the Movies."
This is not how to do a crossover.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5554961/1/A_Second_Chance
Okay, I give you credit, you're one of the few who seems to know that opening sentences should try to sound interesting. That said, it kind of falls apart within a few lines.
"These kinds of questions were perfect for the girl I decided to ignore that dreadful day."
See, this is just unnecessarily stilted. Your tense is funny, "I want to know stuff" doesn't lead well into "screw knowing, important thing is how perfect the questions are for a girl". I mean, maybe you meant the girl could have answered them or something, but it seems more like you just meant saying them to the girl would have been perfect somehow, and I really can't see what perfect has to do with it.
This is a problem with pretty much all of your story. Focus more on making it flow neatly, and less on sounding deep.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric and items like pokeballs.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned.
Don't label flashbacks. Seriously. You shouldn't even need italics, the story should flow neatly around it, but italics are understandable. Big bold -Flashback- breaks though? Really not a good idea.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5555126/1/Sauntering_Shadows
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric and items like pokeballs.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned.
Okay, so it's marginally better integrated than in some of the other fics, but still, your language is stilted and awkward, like you're trying too hard. A lot of these sentences could be tightened up, and a good many of the words sound like you're substituting in something that doesn't fit right but sounds more literate than whatever the original was.
Really, your time would have been better fixed cleaning up all the errors. Among other things you've got a lot of words smushed together. I know spellcheck can pick up on those.
"Her voice beheld the alight chime of joy, and I grimaced as her class cried a reply."
This is the point at which I decided to stop slogging through your poor word choices. The basic story may have been readable, but not after you decided to play find and replace with a thesaurus.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5555207/1/Bound_for_Glory
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric and items like pokeballs.
"Actually, that is in Pokémon years. In human years, I am ten."
a) actually actually, human years refers to the standard sun going round the earth. We don't say a dog is two in dog years but ten in human years.
b) the whole dog years thing is bullshit anyway, and so I really doubt any dogs would explain in those terms. If you want to say that they're two years old, but not the same as a two year old kid, have them say if they're a child or almost an adolescent or whatever. If you really want an approximate number, then have them count using something other than years - seasons would have gotten you eight here, and you could just make it two and a half to get to ten seasons.
c) In the unlikely instance you meant for pokemon to be maturing slower than people rather than faster so as to avoid the absurdity of human years not meaning human years, everything I said still applies, only even more, because it'd be even worse for a character to be talking about how he's this age, except for the actual chronological age he is.
"I live in a distant village called Brill. When I say distant, I mean far away from the capital, Halka. "
Okay, you know how on a computer you can hit delete, or copy-paste or otherwise rearrange your words? This means you don't have to just keep typing as stuff comes into your head, and so should never have to say one thing, then write another sentence saying that what you really meant was X.
This would also have spared us from having a viewpoint character talking about their hometown as if its primary characteristic was how it's distant from some place they've never been. From their point of view, it's the capital that's the distant thing.
"I live in Brill, a small village that's far from the distant capital, Halka." There.
"The castle of the royal family is located there. The castle of Marcus, the Dragonight. Marcus is the king of that place. He rules in tyranny all over Ivara "
Seriously, computer, easy editing, this kind of thing should be reworded, the redundant bits deleted, the rest tied together better. Also, no duh the royal family lives in the capital, or that the guy whose castle the royal family lives in is the king, or that the king is a ruler.
"We are independent, Marcus doesn’t know about this village, or he doesn’t bother with the likes of us…"
Not only does this further beg why your character is spending more time talking about the distant capital than their own home, but if they're not part of the empire why is it their capital? Why are they defined as a distant village? That'd be like a village in France referring to itself as a distant village from someplace in Spain.
"Well, the village is built on the feet of mount Brillage(the name of the village is taken after the mountain, as you all guessed) "
Yes, we did, so why the note? Seriously, are you getting paid by the word here? You seem convinced you should constantly double back on your own sentences and repeat yourself.
Oh, and this really isn't much of a story. Should be longer than a few paragraphs, should involve things actually happening, that sort of thing. Especially since the actual story content of this is maybe a third of the actual total writing, since it's so redundant.
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5555392/1/Pocket_Monsters
Use proper paragraphs.
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
...first sentence of your story, and you didn't start it with a capital. Oh, we are not getting off to a good start.
"his computer spat out a small cartage for a gaming system of some sort. He held it in the soft pink light reflecting off the sky, the small gray cartage bore a title on a black sticker: Platinum Eclipse."
Computers are not interchangeable with replicators, and therefore, you should probably take the time to explain exactly where this cartridge (cartage is "The act or process of carting. The cost of carting") in relation to the computer. Is it inserted into a port, and being released now that he's done? Is it being spontaneously generated out of the screen, because sanity has no place here?
"they thought they could steal my system and get away with it"
Okay, so system has to be the absolutely worst word you could have used here, barring stuff like cartage. Do you mean "game"? Or "basic underlying system of code of the game" or "system of pokemon battling" or possibly "gameboy design the game plays on, known as a game system"? Or some completely different thing that Nintendo was involved with?
"Stuffing it into his pocket and walking towards the door of his apartment lit only by the dawns rays."
Sentence fragment. Actually, a lot of your sentences are a mess. Try reading aloud or something, you could stand to reword basically everything.
...his master plan is to replace one single cartridge? So I assume that the whole system bit is a delusion because god knows there's no way this moron could be bright enough to invent anything anyone would steal.
Later, that case of merchandise is damaged in transit and returned to eventually be landfilled. Or possibly stays in the warehouse due to demand being less than anticipated. Or bought by a collector who never removes it from its pristine packaging.
It's dumb to put all your eggs in one basket, but it's dumber to only get one egg in the first place.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned.
"Hmph, this will be great, though I do feel sorry for the person that will get this virus first, if their family fails to admit them to a hospital within forty-eight hours things could get uglier for that person then the rest of the victims"
That's right! You show that corporation by infecting innocent kids who have nothing to do with it! Next up, get back at Cindy from middle school by sending anthrax-filled letters to random people in China, and then teach the dog not to poop on the carpet by throwing rocks through hospital windows. JUSTICE!
Also he'd better have dusted that cartridge with an actual virus because computer viruses aren't.
"as an annoying woman's voice called"
Unless her voice is actually annoying, no, it wasn't. This is her first introduction, she hasn't even spoken yet, she is not 'an annoying woman' yet.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, not mom. It's only in constructions like my/her/the mom that it's written as such.
…
Jesus. Fucking. Christ. This is pokemon fanfic. You must have played at least one game at least one time, so you must have some memory, however dim, of what the opening looked like. And don't give me any "but Farla, this is my special made up game" because that does not explain why you replaced the regular pokemon opening found in oh, every fucking iteration so far, with some completely generic game startup. Even ones like PMD start off asking who you are, not about how you want to design your character.
Plus, do not even try to say that you can talk to it.
No, it can't fucking make make a character that looks exactly like you spontaneously. Just have her design the character. Hell,you already do this, so I don't see what's added by having it start off magically being able to make an accurate picture.
"Nikki felt a quick jolt of static as she transferred into the character just created, as she blinked suddenly she was in a cream room. He flicked her elongated brown red hair over her shoulder and smirked. "
NO.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5554483/1/Cant_look_back
Capitalize your title properly.
Use spellcheck.
Stop producing crap.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5554539/1/Pokemon_Sparkling_Diamond_and_Glittering_Pearl
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric and items like pokeballs.
Also, this isn't a story and therefore shouldn't be on the site.
For good measure: Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5554809/1/Clipping
Dialogue is written as - wait. It - commas...end...sentences...right? what is this i don't even
…
Okay.
I think you could stand to tighten up some of these articles, since newspapers tend to put space at a premium, and also some of your clarifications aren't needed. Like "source speaking on the condition on anonymity because they were not yet authorized to be speaking about the situation" could probably just end at anonymity (and maybe the next article puts it as "anonymous source"). That second "on" should be "of", too.
"It is well-known by the locals and warned by the scientists who oversee the area that it is not possible to get cell or radio service while inside the ruins."
Try for active voice. "Locals say..." kind of thing. This is awkwardly worded.
Oh, and you should have an opinion piece! There are always opinion pieces. Always.
Aside from the tragic lack of a rambling piece of vague but emphatic ranting using this to push some completely unrelated point, though, you've done a good job of structuring in a newspapery way. I like the way information is repeated and updated with each new bit.
I find the bit from the scientist saying the ceiling probably just collapsed interesting, since it brings to mind the bizarre way you can cross over cracked floor, fall in, and then come back up to find the floor fixed. Do the ruins actually have nightmare Cthulian architecture under the control of our unown masters, or is it just the more mundane kind of unstable, where there are easily missed holes and slippery slopes?
While the League putting out a warning makes sense, I'm not quite clear about what a pokedex update would be. If you have to be told about the update, then they might as well just give the warning. Are the pokedexes on some sort of wifi update system, so the announcement is just a by the way sort of thing? Or are they doing the update in the pokecenters, and it's that there's a lot more detailed information in the update, so they're just telling you to get it? It doesn't seem like there's that much to tell. (Or is it something like the update comes with general safety directions for caves they want all the trainers to read?)
Oh, and I wonder if the fact it was a houndour has anything to do with it, since the unown are all psychic types.
Anyway, interesting!
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5554877/1/From_the_town_of_Pallet
Capitalize your title properly.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric and items like pokeballs.
So...this seems to be basically recapping the first episode.
"Its" is possessive, as in, its story. "It's" means "it is".
And...yeah, basically recapping the first episode. I mean, look, yeah you can write a fanfic about what a character thought at the time, but come on, the first episode? Ash pretty much says anything he's thinking aloud, and the two thoughts he manages to keep his mouth shut for he emotes clearly enough for blind people three miles off to see. So you're taking an episode full of Ash doing stuff, and replacing it by telling us about Ash he's going to do something or that he's just done something.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5554655/1/Pokemon_Kingdom_Crossover
Don't use ' for thoughts, it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse. As long as you put a "he thought" at the end you generally don't need any markers, anyway.
Look, if you're going to translate pokemon speech, just do it, don't pad things by writing a string of nonsense first.
...okay, so you're basically writing this like it's a script. "This was happening. (Talk) Then this person appeared. (Talk) Then this happened." Use narration. Describe the setting and what's going on, don't just tell us it's around somewhere.
Also, uh, Sora is traveling with a talking duck and buys stuff from moogles. He's not going to identify Pikachu as particularly weird and deserving of an explanation. If anything, he's learned by now that he won't be getting on. If you want a setup where Ash realizes he doesn't have a clue what pokemon are, having Sora try to talk with Pikachu like it's the same as a talking duck or moogle would probably work.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric and items like pokeballs.
"Sora couldn't answer that, as Donald told him not to let on that he was from another world."
SHOW, DON'T TELL. These shouldn't be like script notes reminding you why something's happening, they should be a part of the characters. "Sora hesitated. Should he explain? Donald had told him not to let on that he was from another world. What should he do? "I'm from...somewhere far away," he said finally. It wasn't technically a lie, after all."
"I'm not going to bother doing the individual Pokemon Episodes, as they'll take too much time, the good parts are in the Movies."
This is not how to do a crossover.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5554961/1/A_Second_Chance
Okay, I give you credit, you're one of the few who seems to know that opening sentences should try to sound interesting. That said, it kind of falls apart within a few lines.
"These kinds of questions were perfect for the girl I decided to ignore that dreadful day."
See, this is just unnecessarily stilted. Your tense is funny, "I want to know stuff" doesn't lead well into "screw knowing, important thing is how perfect the questions are for a girl". I mean, maybe you meant the girl could have answered them or something, but it seems more like you just meant saying them to the girl would have been perfect somehow, and I really can't see what perfect has to do with it.
This is a problem with pretty much all of your story. Focus more on making it flow neatly, and less on sounding deep.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric and items like pokeballs.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned.
Don't label flashbacks. Seriously. You shouldn't even need italics, the story should flow neatly around it, but italics are understandable. Big bold -Flashback- breaks though? Really not a good idea.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5555126/1/Sauntering_Shadows
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric and items like pokeballs.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned.
Okay, so it's marginally better integrated than in some of the other fics, but still, your language is stilted and awkward, like you're trying too hard. A lot of these sentences could be tightened up, and a good many of the words sound like you're substituting in something that doesn't fit right but sounds more literate than whatever the original was.
Really, your time would have been better fixed cleaning up all the errors. Among other things you've got a lot of words smushed together. I know spellcheck can pick up on those.
"Her voice beheld the alight chime of joy, and I grimaced as her class cried a reply."
This is the point at which I decided to stop slogging through your poor word choices. The basic story may have been readable, but not after you decided to play find and replace with a thesaurus.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5555207/1/Bound_for_Glory
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric and items like pokeballs.
"Actually, that is in Pokémon years. In human years, I am ten."
a) actually actually, human years refers to the standard sun going round the earth. We don't say a dog is two in dog years but ten in human years.
b) the whole dog years thing is bullshit anyway, and so I really doubt any dogs would explain in those terms. If you want to say that they're two years old, but not the same as a two year old kid, have them say if they're a child or almost an adolescent or whatever. If you really want an approximate number, then have them count using something other than years - seasons would have gotten you eight here, and you could just make it two and a half to get to ten seasons.
c) In the unlikely instance you meant for pokemon to be maturing slower than people rather than faster so as to avoid the absurdity of human years not meaning human years, everything I said still applies, only even more, because it'd be even worse for a character to be talking about how he's this age, except for the actual chronological age he is.
"I live in a distant village called Brill. When I say distant, I mean far away from the capital, Halka. "
Okay, you know how on a computer you can hit delete, or copy-paste or otherwise rearrange your words? This means you don't have to just keep typing as stuff comes into your head, and so should never have to say one thing, then write another sentence saying that what you really meant was X.
This would also have spared us from having a viewpoint character talking about their hometown as if its primary characteristic was how it's distant from some place they've never been. From their point of view, it's the capital that's the distant thing.
"I live in Brill, a small village that's far from the distant capital, Halka." There.
"The castle of the royal family is located there. The castle of Marcus, the Dragonight. Marcus is the king of that place. He rules in tyranny all over Ivara "
Seriously, computer, easy editing, this kind of thing should be reworded, the redundant bits deleted, the rest tied together better. Also, no duh the royal family lives in the capital, or that the guy whose castle the royal family lives in is the king, or that the king is a ruler.
"We are independent, Marcus doesn’t know about this village, or he doesn’t bother with the likes of us…"
Not only does this further beg why your character is spending more time talking about the distant capital than their own home, but if they're not part of the empire why is it their capital? Why are they defined as a distant village? That'd be like a village in France referring to itself as a distant village from someplace in Spain.
"Well, the village is built on the feet of mount Brillage(the name of the village is taken after the mountain, as you all guessed) "
Yes, we did, so why the note? Seriously, are you getting paid by the word here? You seem convinced you should constantly double back on your own sentences and repeat yourself.
Oh, and this really isn't much of a story. Should be longer than a few paragraphs, should involve things actually happening, that sort of thing. Especially since the actual story content of this is maybe a third of the actual total writing, since it's so redundant.
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5555392/1/Pocket_Monsters
Use proper paragraphs.
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Date: 2009-12-05 06:37 am (UTC)*files under "mistakes I never realized a human being could make, yet it would somehow not surprise me if someone did"*
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Date: 2009-12-06 04:52 am (UTC)When young people make this mistake, though? Words cannot describe either my horror or my rage.
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Date: 2009-12-06 01:37 am (UTC)Seriously, these review month posts are my new Christmas spirit. They're like an advent calendar full of snark and awesome instead of stale, low-quality chocolate. I don't know how you do it, but keep it up.
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Date: 2009-12-06 04:10 am (UTC)I love your reviews, Farla. I also love the replies, but in a much more depressing kind of way.
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Date: 2009-12-06 04:55 am (UTC)I suspect that will still come, though. So you'll get to see some replies in the wild!
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Date: 2009-12-06 08:28 am (UTC)*ahem*
You're a terrible person, and you shouldn't analyze, proofread or otherwise criticize the stories that people post, because that's not why we put them on the internet. The review function was intended for the sole purpose of delivering mindless praise, and shame on you for abusing it like you do.
But Jesus loves you anyway.
-GARhalla on FFN
...amidoinitrite?
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Date: 2009-12-06 02:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-06 02:19 pm (UTC)I'm still waiting for those crafty anonymice showing up and showering you in cries of how horrible you're being. While reading your reviews is fun, it's not quite as satisfying when there's no angry rebuttal.
I'll wait patiently, instead, as I'm sure anger will follow.
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Date: 2009-12-06 02:58 pm (UTC)