NaRe, Day Seven
Dec. 7th, 2009 11:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlaActually, we hit a couple decent ones near the end, which is nice.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5562140/1/What_being_a_master_does_to_you_and_others
Capitalize your title properly.
Don't use multiple exclamation marks.
Write out numbers with letters.
Chapters need to be longer.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5562316/1/Nouvelle
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey
Anyway, generic relationship stuff. While I was skimming to the end to find the review button, I thought for a second that it was Dawn kissing Misty, and the misreading made me temporarily positive toward your story, which says a depressing lot about my expectations admittedly. But it really would be a welcome relief from endless standard heteroships.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5562513/1/Christmas_Drabble
Write out numbers with letters.
So I guess you seem to using the term drabble properly, which is a rarity. That said, the challenge of a drabble is to write a story within the limit, not to say that since it's a drabble you don't need to bother.
Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5562604/1/A_boring_day
Capitalize your title properly.
Things about being bored are boring.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5562608/1/Legend_of_Begining
Your title is misspelled.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Don't write all in bold.
"For Luna had not barred a child for the Sun"
Bore.
Also, it's quite unclear which are the children and which the wives, and only made more confusing given you say Pluto is a kid, yet Terra is made for Luna's kids. Some of these issues could have been helped by saying the stars were the kids - that'd also help establish that you're going for a mythic shape to this universe, because otherwise stuff like a planet being permanently covered in sunlight all over is just weird.
Oh, and don't capitalize random words.
A new speaker means a new paragraph.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5562634/1/Over_it
Capitalize your title properly.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
You keep changing between past and present tense. Pick one.
"because pf that"
Of.
Write out numbers with letters.
"At that point, Dawn was certain that she would be broken. She would feel ugly, and her confidence gone. "
…so does she or doesn't she?
Also yeah, basically original fiction.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5562636/1/Pokemon_Search_for_Lucario
"Most heroes start from humble beginnings, but every so often a hero is not born. Every so often, a person must rise above all else. They must rise against trial and turmoil to become a hero."
Okay, so I think I can see what you're trying to say, but it's coming out as nonsense.
"Our tail begins with a young women walking along the shore of Sandgem Town. Her genital footsteps"
Hilarious nonsense.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5562834/1/Rivals
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Don't capitalize other random words either.
Write out numbers with letters.
Also, this was pretty pointless.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5562961/1/Memoried
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
...So Hell is basically just Arizona?
You really, really need to have more description and narration in general, instead of mostly dialogue.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5563007/1/Of_Songs_and_Mysteries
Songfic, it's banned, don't do this. Include a couple lines if the song is really relevant or don't if it isn't.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Don't use ' for thoughts, it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse. As long as you put a "he thought" at the end you generally don't need any markers, anyway.
Huh, you seem to have done your dialogue correctly. All of it, even the harder rules. Good job.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5563034/1/thriving
"It’s cold outside and the suitability doesn’t pass her."
What?
Most of your sentences are done in nice, understandable language, which makes this bit all the stranger.
...and you're doing dialogue correctly too. Good job.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Anyway, aside from that one sentence this is pretty good. I like how you've arranged words and detail.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5563070/1/I_Love_My_Momma
Ookay, that was the creepiest version of cubone/marowak breeding I've read yet, and it's not like they're generally portrayed as full of cuddles. Kudos.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5563167/1/World_of_Pokemon
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Write out numbers with letters.
Yes, and that certain age is ten, not thirteen.
Writing pokemon fanfiction means your readers are familiar with pokemon means you don't need to tell them what pokemon are means stop with the filler already.
On top of that, this is not a chapter, it's just a handful of short paragraphs.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5563626/1/Untitled_Pokemon_Crossover
"definentally"
And you were doing so well up to this point. Really, your technical skill here is extremely good for the most part, but be more careful.
And yes, I know your author's note says you wrote this earlier, but please don't say this means you haven't even looked it over and fixed any errors. If you're posting it you should try to post the best story you can.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
"in the Magical world "
And with words like magical.
"Harry had never seen such a bizarre animal in the muggle world, much less a muggle’s house! Harry wasn’t sure what to make of these muggles."
So why does he think they're muggles, then? They're dressed weirdly with what seem like magical animals, why not think they're some sort of odd wizard?
...why isn't he telling them anything? One of the really tiresome crossover tropes is that the character shuts up and doesn't ask any questions that'd give him away, even when he has no reason to. Even if Harry, for some reason, is absolutely sure these are just weird muggles, not weird wizards, so he doesn't want to tell them about magic, you'd think he could at least ask about Sirius right off. I mean, he dove into death after the guy, he should be a bit more focused.
"incase"
And again. It's honestly kind of weird, since your spelling looks good enough that I'd assume you used spellcheck, and that'd catch these.
"Aside from the fact that he had just realized he wasn’t wearing his glasses and could still see, his eyes now had specks of sliver that had never been there before. He wondered if he had gotten dust in his eyes but they didn’t hurt. Studying his refection closer he noticed that his hair and even his skin had a slight silvery sheen when it caught the light that had never been there before.
Perplexed and somewhat alarmed, Harry frantically scrubbed his arms up to his elbow, but the shine did not come off. He tried again but still no change. Somehow this silvery-ness was actually a part of his skin! Harry sighed in defeat. As he turned his hand to catch the light he decided it wasn’t so bad, though it made him look much paler. He could attribute it to a trick of the light.
He was more concerned with his eyes. How had his eyes changed? Why didn’t he need his glasses anymore? Harry had a sudden dreamlike vision. He was floating in black space. Silver stars flew by, so close he could reach out and touch it. It left behind a trail of dust, stardust. Silver stardust.
That was it! That dust must have coated his whole body making him silvery and somehow fixing his eyes."
So, I'm going to go with you not trying to make Harry into a sparky sue or anything, you're just trying to show how altered he is, and possibly figured fixing his eyes was more plausible than saying his glasses stayed on.
But still...magic silvery eyes.
Now, the pokeworld has glasses, so he can probably get more soon and it's not like your plot would be ruined if his vision is less than perfect right now. And the stardust would probably work better if it didn't seem so perfect. An irregular partial coating - on the hand that grabbed it, going up his arm and dusting his side, that sort of thing, instead of it just heading over and coating him - would still cover that he's marked without seeming so convenient, or removing a lot of suspense (because really, if the stardust is that awesome that it does all these things perfectly and on purpose, it probably did a bunch more to make sure he wouldn't fail).
...um, the whole bit with the caterpie is a cute scene, but doesn't really make much sense. If the girl was a really young kid who'd gotten in drilled into her head to stay away from wild pokemon, it would be more believable she might panic despite that it's not attacking and, well, it's a caterpie, but a kid a year younger than Harry is not only old enough to know all about pokemon, but several years past the age she's allowed to be a trainer.
Oh. We actually do have him blurting out something that shows he's unfamiliar with the world. About time.
I don't want to bother downloading the second set of chicken pictures yet, so here's one of Sir Whiny from the first batch, when he wasn't interested in my camera-waving shenanigans.
I'm almost at forty thousand words by now. I'm considering if I should change to a more narrow focus once I hit fifty, or keep reviewing everything.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5562140/1/What_being_a_master_does_to_you_and_others
Capitalize your title properly.
Don't use multiple exclamation marks.
Write out numbers with letters.
Chapters need to be longer.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5562316/1/Nouvelle
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey
Anyway, generic relationship stuff. While I was skimming to the end to find the review button, I thought for a second that it was Dawn kissing Misty, and the misreading made me temporarily positive toward your story, which says a depressing lot about my expectations admittedly. But it really would be a welcome relief from endless standard heteroships.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5562513/1/Christmas_Drabble
Write out numbers with letters.
So I guess you seem to using the term drabble properly, which is a rarity. That said, the challenge of a drabble is to write a story within the limit, not to say that since it's a drabble you don't need to bother.
Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5562604/1/A_boring_day
Capitalize your title properly.
Things about being bored are boring.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5562608/1/Legend_of_Begining
Your title is misspelled.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Don't write all in bold.
"For Luna had not barred a child for the Sun"
Bore.
Also, it's quite unclear which are the children and which the wives, and only made more confusing given you say Pluto is a kid, yet Terra is made for Luna's kids. Some of these issues could have been helped by saying the stars were the kids - that'd also help establish that you're going for a mythic shape to this universe, because otherwise stuff like a planet being permanently covered in sunlight all over is just weird.
Oh, and don't capitalize random words.
A new speaker means a new paragraph.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5562634/1/Over_it
Capitalize your title properly.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
You keep changing between past and present tense. Pick one.
"because pf that"
Of.
Write out numbers with letters.
"At that point, Dawn was certain that she would be broken. She would feel ugly, and her confidence gone. "
…so does she or doesn't she?
Also yeah, basically original fiction.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5562636/1/Pokemon_Search_for_Lucario
"Most heroes start from humble beginnings, but every so often a hero is not born. Every so often, a person must rise above all else. They must rise against trial and turmoil to become a hero."
Okay, so I think I can see what you're trying to say, but it's coming out as nonsense.
"Our tail begins with a young women walking along the shore of Sandgem Town. Her genital footsteps"
Hilarious nonsense.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5562834/1/Rivals
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Don't capitalize other random words either.
Write out numbers with letters.
Also, this was pretty pointless.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5562961/1/Memoried
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
...So Hell is basically just Arizona?
You really, really need to have more description and narration in general, instead of mostly dialogue.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5563007/1/Of_Songs_and_Mysteries
Songfic, it's banned, don't do this. Include a couple lines if the song is really relevant or don't if it isn't.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Don't use ' for thoughts, it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse. As long as you put a "he thought" at the end you generally don't need any markers, anyway.
Huh, you seem to have done your dialogue correctly. All of it, even the harder rules. Good job.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5563034/1/thriving
"It’s cold outside and the suitability doesn’t pass her."
What?
Most of your sentences are done in nice, understandable language, which makes this bit all the stranger.
...and you're doing dialogue correctly too. Good job.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Anyway, aside from that one sentence this is pretty good. I like how you've arranged words and detail.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5563070/1/I_Love_My_Momma
Ookay, that was the creepiest version of cubone/marowak breeding I've read yet, and it's not like they're generally portrayed as full of cuddles. Kudos.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5563167/1/World_of_Pokemon
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Write out numbers with letters.
Yes, and that certain age is ten, not thirteen.
Writing pokemon fanfiction means your readers are familiar with pokemon means you don't need to tell them what pokemon are means stop with the filler already.
On top of that, this is not a chapter, it's just a handful of short paragraphs.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5563626/1/Untitled_Pokemon_Crossover
"definentally"
And you were doing so well up to this point. Really, your technical skill here is extremely good for the most part, but be more careful.
And yes, I know your author's note says you wrote this earlier, but please don't say this means you haven't even looked it over and fixed any errors. If you're posting it you should try to post the best story you can.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
"in the Magical world "
And with words like magical.
"Harry had never seen such a bizarre animal in the muggle world, much less a muggle’s house! Harry wasn’t sure what to make of these muggles."
So why does he think they're muggles, then? They're dressed weirdly with what seem like magical animals, why not think they're some sort of odd wizard?
...why isn't he telling them anything? One of the really tiresome crossover tropes is that the character shuts up and doesn't ask any questions that'd give him away, even when he has no reason to. Even if Harry, for some reason, is absolutely sure these are just weird muggles, not weird wizards, so he doesn't want to tell them about magic, you'd think he could at least ask about Sirius right off. I mean, he dove into death after the guy, he should be a bit more focused.
"incase"
And again. It's honestly kind of weird, since your spelling looks good enough that I'd assume you used spellcheck, and that'd catch these.
"Aside from the fact that he had just realized he wasn’t wearing his glasses and could still see, his eyes now had specks of sliver that had never been there before. He wondered if he had gotten dust in his eyes but they didn’t hurt. Studying his refection closer he noticed that his hair and even his skin had a slight silvery sheen when it caught the light that had never been there before.
Perplexed and somewhat alarmed, Harry frantically scrubbed his arms up to his elbow, but the shine did not come off. He tried again but still no change. Somehow this silvery-ness was actually a part of his skin! Harry sighed in defeat. As he turned his hand to catch the light he decided it wasn’t so bad, though it made him look much paler. He could attribute it to a trick of the light.
He was more concerned with his eyes. How had his eyes changed? Why didn’t he need his glasses anymore? Harry had a sudden dreamlike vision. He was floating in black space. Silver stars flew by, so close he could reach out and touch it. It left behind a trail of dust, stardust. Silver stardust.
That was it! That dust must have coated his whole body making him silvery and somehow fixing his eyes."
So, I'm going to go with you not trying to make Harry into a sparky sue or anything, you're just trying to show how altered he is, and possibly figured fixing his eyes was more plausible than saying his glasses stayed on.
But still...magic silvery eyes.
Now, the pokeworld has glasses, so he can probably get more soon and it's not like your plot would be ruined if his vision is less than perfect right now. And the stardust would probably work better if it didn't seem so perfect. An irregular partial coating - on the hand that grabbed it, going up his arm and dusting his side, that sort of thing, instead of it just heading over and coating him - would still cover that he's marked without seeming so convenient, or removing a lot of suspense (because really, if the stardust is that awesome that it does all these things perfectly and on purpose, it probably did a bunch more to make sure he wouldn't fail).
...um, the whole bit with the caterpie is a cute scene, but doesn't really make much sense. If the girl was a really young kid who'd gotten in drilled into her head to stay away from wild pokemon, it would be more believable she might panic despite that it's not attacking and, well, it's a caterpie, but a kid a year younger than Harry is not only old enough to know all about pokemon, but several years past the age she's allowed to be a trainer.
Oh. We actually do have him blurting out something that shows he's unfamiliar with the world. About time.
I don't want to bother downloading the second set of chicken pictures yet, so here's one of Sir Whiny from the first batch, when he wasn't interested in my camera-waving shenanigans.
I'm almost at forty thousand words by now. I'm considering if I should change to a more narrow focus once I hit fifty, or keep reviewing everything.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2009-12-10 05:48 pm (UTC)There was a kerfluffle a while ago where some furry was in a furry relationship and flipped out when the other person sent them a picture of themselves, because realizing the other person they talked with is actually human shaped squicked them. They understood they weren't actually an anthro and the other people weren't actually anthros, but they couldn't interact with people online without pretending it was otherwise. And that's probably more messed up than just thinking you're secretly a dragon, as at least most of them are kinda functional.
no subject
Date: 2009-12-10 08:58 pm (UTC)Oh yeah, I totally forgot the "I was really L from Deathnote in a former life, really." people.