NaRe, Day Eight
Dec. 8th, 2009 11:52 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlaYou know, I checked the first one of these and only two of the stories were gone. People really don't seem to be deleting madly. I wonder when this change occurred.
Anyway, actually ran into a bunch of decent stories today. It's like this is working or something.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5563626/7/Untitled_Pokemon_Crossover
Eh, this seems to have rapidly degraded into Standard Trainer Journey #21. I suppose when you said it was a crossover with Pokemon Crystal I should have realized it meant you'd be copying the game's plot (Except for the bits that are just fanon you failed to notice, like the idea that professors all hand out pokemon to all comers, instead of giving people pokemon to do a task) but it's still pretty disappointing, especially considering how jarring it is to jump from the relatively well characterized family of OCs into a world where "Mr. Pokemon" hands a random kid an egg to deliver.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5563712/1/Action
"Ash’s knees were miserably failing, falling down in shock. Pikachu raced towards its master, wrapping his stubby paws around Ash’s stomach "
Uh, I don't think knees tend to be emotional. And either Pikachu has just eviscerated Ash and is cuddling his stomach, or he can't be actually wrapping his paws around Ash's midsection, being a tiny pikachu and all.
Pay attention to what you're actually saying, not just how it seems inside your head.
...and you're writing dialogue correctly. Wow, I think this is maybe the fourth story in two days after basically no one managed it at all. Cool.
"Prepare for Trouble!"
Should really just be trouble, though.
...and so basically, Ash's thought process goes "Oh hey, Team Rocket. Oh hey, small child. Oh hey, Pikachu, could you blow them up?"
I mean, what?
Which isn't even getting into how very filler the whole section was. The repetitiveness of the canon episodes is widely considered a flaw, and only gets worse transposed into text.
...the fuck? You've reversed your dialogue.
"Please Review and tell me what you guys think! I need at least 4 reviews. ;)"
No, you don't.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5563950/1/Three_weeks_in_Zhou_Fortress
Capitalize your title properly.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
It should go without saying that - should not be used at all.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5564211/1/Land_of_the_Free
Write out numbers with letters.
"That was when we heard the news: Sailor Moon, the defender of Earth, was defeated. "
...and this isn't listed as a crossover because...?
"The perpetrators were described as being like Orcs or something."
It's just "orcs", no capitals.
Also, this is just horrendously vague. Sailor Moon lost! Who cares. Suddenly monsters! But I'm hanging in my city. Massive refugees! Wow, not the city's crowded. Also, there are maybe orcs everywhere. You'd think that if the world was falling to pieces around her she'd be a bit more interested in paying attention to events.
"There was no stopping them. Even religious leaders couldn’t stop them. No amount of praying could stop these savage creatures. "
Okay, so I'm going to go out on a limb here, but OH NOES THEY ARE IMMUNE TO US PRAYING AT THEM WHY DOES IT NOT WORK WE'VE EVEN GOT A LOUDSPEAKER AND EVERYTHING is not really doing much to convince me the orcs are actually a threat. Small children are immune to people praying at them, as are puppies, kittens and baby birds. Are people being wiped out by kittens? Are we cowering in cities hoping the kitten army will not challenge us, for our massive military industrial complex is as dust in the wind compared to the power of something that won't disappear when someone says a hail mary?
...BRB, training chicken attack force.
"Cerulean was forced to annex the costal city of Vermillion City to hold the refugees and the surrounding farmland to survive."
a) spellcheck.
b) LOL forced. Because in the grim future of Pokemon/Sailor Moon crossovers, there is no asking, there is only war. Seriously, if two American cities are right next to each other, they do this thing where they discuss events using their common language and shared cultural history to come to some sort of agreement.
c) How the fuck can they annex someplace if their idea of a fight is praying really really hard? If they've got any sort of army, why don't they - and I know this is probably going to sound a bit strange but bear with me - try to attack the deadly orcs with the *army* instead of priests? Or, you know, their pokemon. It being pokemon fanfiction and them presumably existing?
"The Apocalypse had come, it seemed. And Jesus was not going to save us. There was no Second Coming; only destruction."
Aside from LULZ EVERYONE'S CHRISTIAN RIGHT? in a crossover between two Japanese series no less, uh, do you know much about the second coming? Because it's supposed to involve a hell of a lot of death, and then Jesus kind of mops up the survivors. (Alternatively, Jesus takes the survivors first, and then everyone else dies horribly for a while.) So if they're still alive, I don't know how they can rule out Jesus.
Admittedly this is in a world where prayer is considered an appropriate response to orcs, so I guess sitting around waiting for Jesus to save them might actually be considered a step up.
"We feared our city would be the next one attacked. For some reason though, we were never attacked. We were lucky. "
Because otherwise the plot wouldn't work, so I'm just saying they're magically untouched.
"Because before we knew it, we were all that was left of civilization."
Uh, how exactly do they know this? If they can't leave their city and there's widespread distruction, how can they rule out the idea there are other safe areas? I mean, is some African city supposed to blow its power trying to send out radio messages to the dumbasses in America who actually tried praying really hard? How do you know they're dead? Or does it not count as civilization if it's not in America and they're not wasting their resources on unnecessary yet shiny electronics?
"With the last refugees reaching our city, the enemy came."
And how exactly are they crossing this orc-covered landscape?
"The remaining military units fought valiantly, giving the refugees enough time to reach the city."
...which we've established they have no reason to think is safe? Why aren't they trying to hold off the orcs from the city period?
"But I remember that day. And it was terrifying. I hid in my gym with my friends"
Because to be a gym leader with powerful pokemon is to hide sobbing away from anyone being useful.
"Using the power of the Silver Crystal, she set up a barrier protecting us from the Forces of Darkness. But it came at a great cost to her; doing so drained her powers, preventing her from transforming into Sailor Moon. What’s more, she needed the powers of her guardian Sailor Warriors to set up the barrier. Doing so drained their powers, as well. We were left without protectors; helpless in the case of an attack, and a barrier that would weaken on occasion. "
Because that was a better idea than, say, building a wall and then fighting orcs. I guess they were confused when praying really hard didn't make the rocks just spontaneously build a wall, and went off to cry because they were clearly doomed, what with the power of prayer failing them.
"Surrounding us is what is known as the ‘Wastes’; a desert-like post-apocalyptic wasteland that spans farther than the eye can see, and seems to go on for an eternity. "
How exactly did the orcs kill all plant life ever?
"Thanks to the barrier, though, technicians began designing the dome protecting us from Orc attacks. It was built by anyone who was healthy enough to work on it. The dome covers Cerulean, the former costal city of Vermillion (now simply a part of Cerulean), part of the Pacific Ocean, and surrounding farmland. "
Because it's a delicate dome you want and no, say, an easily defended wall. This story is depressing me. The humans just need to get on with it and die. It's clearly Darwin's will.
"We’re not even sure if we really are the last remnants of civilization. There might be more out there somewhere. "
Then why do you keep going on about it?
"Lately, some guy wearing red spandex has been fighting Orcs if they get in. He calls himself the Red Power Ranger, and he has filled the void left by Sailor Moon. But he is just one and the Orcs are many. Sometimes, we wonder if he is even enough. "
Boy, Misty, don't use any of those pokemon you must have if you're a gym leader! Because you're all clearly too stupid to live, and anything that delays the glorious day when you're all killed is a terrible thing. Nope, cower and hope one guy will save you.
"The 5 bank robbers worked at a frenzied pace to load their haul into their car."
Because by God there will still be money inside our doomed bubble city that is all that remains of humanity. We're Americans, not some godless islamocommufacists.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
...and okay you're describing a power ranger in painstaking detail I officially can't even pretend to take this seriously any longer.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5564377/1/The_Shadow_League
"many in the Manors immense gardens"
Unless the house is named (Something) Manor it's really just manor, and there should be an apostrophe to indicate possessive there.
Speaking of capitalization, you wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
"Despite his masters soothing"
Apostrophes, use them.
"while the Vaporeon landed elegantly back in the pool, dissolving into the pool."
Don't reuse words right next to them. If you can't think of a different word, use "it", as in "while the Vaporeon landed elegantly back in the pool, dissolving into it."
"increases their states"
Stats?
And my, this is a painfully mechanical way of looking at it, especially jarring considering your opening. And you're even going on to list levels.
Your dialogue is missing punctuation left and right.
"a soppy romance Soap Opera"
Stop capitalizing random words!
"Jake sat down beside her, putting his feet up on the small coffee table which was covered in litter; old empty crisp packets, dirty plates some still with half eaten sandwiches on and even a red sock Jake thought he’d lost weeks ago."
So they live in a manor/mansion with tended grounds wearing designer clothes but don't have any maids to clean up the house?
...where are their parents? Or legal guardians? Or the army of servants they hired to get around needing legal guardians?
"Judging by the Pokémon he kepst in his company; that Meowth of his couldn’t be more than a level 20 and the average level of my Pokémon is 28 at least."
For one thing, spellcheck.
For another, earlier he said:
"I’ve got a level 38 Charizard, Level 30 Mightyena-” and added because of a gentle nip from Espeon, “and a level 30 Espeon, not to mention my level 36-”
So assuming six pokemon, four of them are over L28, with an average of 33.5 meaning that his other two pokemon would have to be well below L28 to bring that down. In fact, even if his two remaining pokemon were L20, that'd still only give an average of 29. This makes assuming that any one of his pokemon, regardless of type, would automatically be a match for any one of the other boy's pokemon (whose one known pokemon is eyeballed as L20, and as we've established, the man character got both L20 and L38 pokemon on the same team and no way of knowing if this other trainer has an even greater level disparity.)
Now, it's possible that when you said "average" you meant "lowest", but even if we start at the premise that his weakest is L28, then with his charizard at L38 we have a disparity of ten levels. That means that if this challenger has a similar difference, then his strongest could be L30, stronger than his weakest and equal to his L30s (which means equal or greater than at least 1/2 of his team is, possibly 2/3 if his final unknown one is also L30 or below, and he's picking randomly here) then assuming he'd automatically win (especially ignoring type) is still nonsensical. That's without even bringing up that, again, there's no reason to think that the kid couldn't have a greater level disparity. If the kid's sending out even a L31 pokemon, it's now high leveled than at least half his team.
I get that you mean him to be in error, but there's a difference between wrong and incompetent. An actual misjudgment would be to assume the meowth being out means it's the kid's favored pokemon, and therefor assuming his whole team is twenty _or under_. Combine that with saying his weakest is L28 instead of the average is L28, and it'd be understandable for him to both assume he'll win and be willing to do sort of sporting things like choosing a random pokemon rather than his strongest.
(This is all without even getting into that different pokemon have different stats, and that honestly a L30 espeon and L30 mightyena are very, very different even before we get into type differences between pokemon)
In conclusion, if you're going to bring up math pay attention to it.
"Jake smiled, an insect Pokémon, easy."
A bug/flying pokemon with psychic moves against my grass/poison type, HOW COULD ANYTHING GO WRONG. You know what would really help? Using a really weak grass move against it. OMG WHY IS THE BUTTERFREE PWNING MY IVYSAUR THIS IS INCONCEIVABLE.
Again, I think you mean for him to be overconfident, but there's a different between making a mistake and holding an idiot ball. He's making mistakes that should be stuff everyone in his world understands. This is like shoving a moth at a cat and then betting the moth will win.
"While Butterfree lay helpless on its back, Wolfang’s Butterfree directed many more effective Flying moves at Ivysaur, while Jake looked on, stunned into silence. "
I'm pretty sure that first Butterfree was meant to be Ivysaur.
"“Its true, his Butterfree couldn’t have been more than a level 30 and Vaporeon is level 32!” Amelia said smugly."
...also vaporeon are capable of ice type moves, and not weak to...no? We're slavishly counting levels and ignoring types entirely? This is making less sense by the paragraph.
If a story is multiple chapters, post them using the chapter feature. If you want to post it all together, don't bother putting in chapter breaks, just use scene breaks.
Uh, if they said his dad's name or were, for that matter, talking at all, it'd be a good idea to actually give them a bit of dialogue then. Otherwise it's just Jake deciding to stalk some brawny men who walk by and then giving some half-assed excuse a little while later, which is admittedly amusing in the context of protesting the boy wasn't flirting with him, but almost certainly not what you meant.
Why don't they immediately use their pokemon? Pokeballs are kept on the belt. If they're being lifted by their collars, then their hands should still be free, especially since you say that the guy holding Amanda has his other hand over her mouth. They don't need to pull themselves loose, Jake just needs to get one hand free enough to send out his charizard.
Huh, you know, this whole plot wouldn't have been so obviously contrived here if you'd had all Jake's pokemon get knocked out. Maybe he only brought his ivysaur because it was his weakest and needed some leveling, but was still well above the level where any wild pokemon could hurt them, or maybe he brought two and the battle earlier was two on two. Then they're relying on Amelia, who might only have a few pokemon, and might have it kept at a harder to reach place, like deep in her pocket, or else might be being restrained so she can't reach it.
"Use only electric attacks; let their Pokémon come into physical contact with Pichu. That way there’s a good chance Pichu’s special ability Static will come into effect and paralyze their Pokémon, and then we can make our escape! "
"And as you also know, Bob, static has a set change of working meaning our odds increase the longer it remains in play."
Also, if they're trying to get static to take them out, they shouldn't want to use electric attacks but physical attacks, preferably ones that also have a potential to paralyze. I'm sure a bunch of rich kids like them could spring for a thunderpunch-using pichu, or one with volt tackle. (Considering how fragile pichu are and their pathetic attack, it's unlikely the amount of damage it takes from that would really change much about its lifespan in this battle.) Alternatively, instead of "electric attacks" they could just tell it to use thunderwave to paralyze them for certain.
Oh noes a dusk ball how sinister. Look, if you wanted to say these guys are using eeevil pokeballs, why not have them using eeevil pokeballs instead of just saying that dusk balls, evil pokeballs, same thing. It only ends up making the bit about how they have a cloud around them seem like it might just be a side effect of the dusk ball, which any player knows is perfectly harmless.
...and they're seriously engaging in a double battle under standard league rules with the eeevil guys, instead of trying to paralyze the actual humans keeping them there and running, or at least sending out all their pokemon at once and trying to defeat them/escape in the confusion.
"Pichu however battling beside Sneasel was hit, head on and as Houndoom Head-butted Pichu into the air, a sharp burst of electricity launched itself from Pichu’s cheeks and struck down in front of the men and their Pokémon creating an overwhelming dust cloud. "
What?
So they do have someone in charge. Where was she when masses of detritus were building up around Jake?
"Jake despite his instinct to assume this Pokémon was weak, Jake sent out the most powerful Pokémon he had with him. He threw his Pokéball and a Mightyena burst from the bright light, growling and snarling, looking around for its opponent. Its eyes settled on Glameow and it began to howl menacingly. "
..his L30 _mightyena_ is the strongest thing he's got? Not only is this further evidence that the two without mentioned levels are somewhere in the vicinity of L20, but we know he's got a L38 charizard, so did he just not take it with me? It's not even like you could say he didn't get a chance to heal them, which would be a poor enough reason, since we know he only battled twice yesterday and never used his charizard.
"“And sorry I had to say you were a girl. My mum doesn’t let me see boys. She says they’re too violent” he smirked. "
I really like how the evidence is accruing that all the male characters so far are very, very gay. I can't think of any other reason a mother would be so sure her teenaged son wouldn't get in any trouble being invited to hang out at girls' houses. Or maybe she's hoping that one of them will somehow talk him into sex and she'll get one biological grandchild before he meets a nice young doctor and settles down.
Anyway, basically decent premise, actually has stuff happening which is a welcome change, characters seem surprisingly character like instead of dull sues, really could use some polishing and better grasp of how pokemon/battles work, I'm really out of space here.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5564426/1/New_Beginnings
There are fifty seven stories right now with the title "New Beginnings." and over two hundred with just "Beginnings".
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
Speaking of yet another story, don't start with the character waking up. It's not that interesting to start with, and its use in literally hundreds if not thousands of stories already has elevated it to mind-numbingly dull.
Well, you're not capitalizing pokemon, that's a good sign.
"It was painted a generic color "
This is not. Just say "off-white" or something. That's basically the platonic ideal of generic color already.
...and you're doing dialogue right some of the time. It's spotty, though.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Huh, my usual snarling about trainer ages is joyously unnecessary here, as you seem to remember that there's no set age in gameverse to start with. You've even got him training his current pokemon in advance. And while you're repeating the opening of the second gen, you're not just copying the events but nicely developing them and adding all sorts of new detail in.
"“Jimmy, inside these three pokeballs are official starter pokemon for the Johto league. I wish for you to have one of them. "
OH GOD YOU WERE DOING SO WELL NO NO NO NO STARTERS THEY'RE JUST COOL POKEMON HE'S GOT THAT'S WHY NOT EVERYONE HAS A STARTER ON THEIR TEAM.
If you really want him to get one, you can just say something about how Elm knows it's not that safe to travel around so he's giving him an extra pokemon as backup, and also as a gift to thank him for helping out.
You do have a better done first-pokemon scene than normal, I'll grant - even the ones that involve looking over the pokemon for temperament tend not to bother asking the opinion of any other pokemon.
Spike is a pretty serviceable name, but kind of odd in comparison to "Ataro". Did his mother name the aipom?
"New bark town, Johto "
"There were more questions, including his Legal guardian "
Watch your capitals. They're all over the place.
It might help to say something about pokedexes being obscenely expensive, as Oak's speech in the games here is honestly pretty WTF. It wouldn't even be a stretch, a lot of scientific equipment is priced at several thousand dollars for a lump of metal that doesn't even work half the time, and a version that was not only reliable, but reliable outside the confines of a temperature/humidity/loud noises controlled lab where it is delicately cared for by an army of technicians lest it spontaneously catch on fire... Not that I'm bitter or anything. My point here is you could just say they're really expensive and outside the budget of any trainer, so that's why Oak's handing out one here instead of every trainer every having one.
"Oak’s assistant walked forward and handed him a glass container that had a softball sized egg with weird designs running down its sides.
“Be careful, and try not to run while carrying it,” said the assistant, “I’d hate to think what would happen if the egg cracked prematurely.”"
This could stand to be better thought through. People transport normal eggs, of well known species that are cheaply produced and easily replaceable, by wrapping them in a dozen layers of padding. That egg should be in large sealed box, covered in rubber, the inside filled with some sort of super Styrofoam interspaced with liquid layers probably produced by the same science companies for ungodly sums that would allow the whole thing to be dropped off a cliff without cracking.
I realize this would mean he probably wouldn't get to see it right now, but then you could just have him being impressed by when he sees Elm take it out of the box after delivery. Followed, possibly, by Elm dropping it and everyone realizing it's actually tough enough to be lugged around by a trainer without any real risk. And that they've just wasted twenty grand on a specially designed protective case.
Anyway, a pretty good if standard in places OT fic, but you've really got to proofread better.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5564429/1/Wait_for_Me
"The small electric mouse sitting on her shoulder jumped the gap between us"
This story seems to be otherwise written in third person, and "us" should only show up if the narration is in first person.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
"Its" is possessive, "it's" means "it is".
It should be written "okay".
NEVER WRITE DIALOGUE AND THOUGHTS THE SAME WAY. EVER.
Don't use ' for thoughts, it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse. As long as you put a "he thought" at the end you generally don't need any markers, anyway.
And absolutely never switch between multiple ways of indicating thoughts.
Anyway, this is really rather fillerish, although it at least seems to be taking place in the pokemon universe instead of being original fic with similarly named characters.
Oh, and why are they too stupid to try banging on the door and getting someone's attention?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5564742/1/The_Tales_of_a_Fugitive_Mudkip
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
"I was captured by Team Aqua near Slateport City"
Uh, mudkip pretty much aren't wild, and Team Aqua, unlike Team Rocket, don't seem particularly focused on stealing people's pokemon for the sake of it. Why not say they bought it? Or that the trainer joined or whatever? That'd also be less of a cliché than yet another poor stolen pokemon/inexplicably wild starter.
"I am a test subject for a speed boosting experiment known as Hyper-active. But for some reason, the effect was totally different. My moves became twice as powerful and I learned moves much faster than other mudkips."
Yeah, no.
Science works, yes. And sometimes it does weird things. But it's really unlikely for something meant to do one thing to do several other things all of which are better. It'd make more sense to say they were just trying to do this. If there's a particular effect you figure Team Aqua wouldn't want, that you can class as an unintentional side effect.
Also, your tenses are a mess here.
"The weirdest thing of all was that black markings appeared on my legs and I became able to use Dark-type moves usually unavailable to a normal Mudkip. "
Uh. See, pokemon can normally use all sorts of moves and their limitations tend to make reasonable sense based on their body. So if regular mudkip can't use, say, crunch neither can bizarro mudkip just because it's got some dark marks. Ones that are basically the same as existing mudkip moves but altered to be dark would work, but others wouldn't, and you aren't clear on if that's what you're doing here or if it's just any dark move you like.
"I then turned to face the Charmeleon, throwing him off guard when I calmly asked, "
Too many actions stuffed together. It'd help if you had the charmeleon doing something between the two events, both to stop making it sound like the mudkip's godmodding and just to balance the narration a bit more - it's quite heavily focused on the mudkip even beyond the fact they're narrating.
"The markings gave me the ability to faintly guess any Pokémon’s moves."
NO. Look, if you want a special mudkip then you can have a special mudkip. What you can't do is say that one single thing accidentally gave it a dozen unrelated abilities. Especially when we're combining dark moves with something that, assuming you bothered to explain it, could theoretically be a subability of psychic types but has nothing much to do with dark ones.
What's even more annoying is how pointless it is. If you're going to hand out special abilities for everything, even things that don't matter, then it becomes obvious there's no point in your story, no suspense at all. You say they've always had some ability and then they win, or they develop it on the spot or whatever.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5564768/1/New_friends_New_adventures
If you're going to repost something you should really fix all the errors first.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5564979/1/One_Play_Can_Decide_Who_You_Love
"Jansee: Now, as I was saying, this a story where you guys go to school, and there is a play hosted by an OC.
Drew: Not to be offensive, but that’s not gonna be any fun.
Jansee: BUT, the play is going to be very similar to Braid! a play in The Princess Dairies! And NO, that series is NOT stupid or lame. Better than Sherlock Holmes, if ya ask me."
It's nice that you like things. But if you want to write Braid fanfic, you should go do that, not regurgitate the story by puppeting a bunch of characters from another fandom around to show it off.
So you're using said. That's good. But you're also using all sorts of inappropriate speech tags, which is less good. I realize that with multiple characters talking at once you have to put something at the end of each bit of dialogue to indicate who's speaking, but this is a mess.
First, you can vary the dialogue by putting the speaker in front of it, as in She said, "Hello, author." You can also put the speaker in the middle of the sentence as "Hello, author," she said. "What do you think of the example?"
Second, you can just cut out half the superfluous dialogue. The conversation should have been much shorter, and that would have spared you from some of the more forced choices.
Finally, you're writing the dialogue wrong. Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Don't capitalize random words.
Also, this is original fiction and belongs on fictionpress.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5565244/1/Truth_or_Dare
Your dialogue is missing punctuation in a lot of places.
Also, you shouldn't be describing all your characters in a list. The first two are honestly forgivable, since they've obviously meant to be a pair, and even then, you'd have done better to go with a simple, elegant "dressed all in black" over "wore a black shirt with black pants and black shoes". (And if the point is they're Yin and Yang, why would she have checkered shoes and not white ones?)
(Incidentally, you do realize that yang is the white half and yin the black, right? Y'know, light/masculine/day dark/feminine/night and all that? Because you seem to have dressed them in opposite colors.)
Anyway, the other two girls don't even have a flimsy excuse for you to list every article of clothing.
...so why exactly is the fire type trying to block the girls from getting wet? Isn't hydropump a bigger deal for him?
"he fell anime style and sweat dropped"
This is stupid.
...and now periods have entirely fled the fic. Ugh.
In conclusion, not pokemon fic.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5565254/1/Schools_out_Summers_in
Capitalize your title properly.
"Were cousins and its Virginia’s"
We're = we are. Were = past tense of are. It's = it is. Its = possessive form of it.
Your characters already look OOC, and we're on the first line.
"Ash exclaimed to misty"
Use said, capitalize names.
"not so use to Ash’s Romantic Attention."
Used, don't capitalize things that aren't names.
Numerous other mistakes abound, but I really don't want to read further.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5565310/1/Pokemon_Awesome_adventures
Capitalize your title properly.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
"Although I am aware most of them involving an OT (Original Trainer) are boring. But with some good humor, I think I can make it work. "
See, a good author would have asked themselves how they could make their story different.
You have started your story with your trainer waking up.
I think you can tell how well you're making it work from that alone.
"Rowan then said out loud"
If he's muttering, then the previous bit was aloud too. Say "louder" or "audibly" if that's what you mean.
"It was much cooler then a regular Starly, and it seemed to be a little stronger as well."
No, shiny pokemon in the fourth gen do not have any special stats.
Rival should not be capitalized.
This is a boring and tiresome rehash of the standard OT cliches.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5565670/1/How_to_Ask_a_Girl_Out
Eh. Isn't explicitly OOC but aside from the general bit about Brock not having a clue, really not much in the way of IC. A pretty standard concept and a pretty standard execution.
And for once, I wish the girl could just ask the boy out, not ask him out by realizing he's trying and failing to ask her out and then tell him to just ask so she could say yes. Because one of these things is a bit simpler.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5565673/1/The_Cinderella_Sisters
Trying to read a story that's all centered is incredibly hard. It just about works for lines of dialogue. If you've got paragraphs, it shouldn't even be considered.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5565755/1/The_First_Dog
I'm extremely pleased to see a pokemon fanfic where dog is capitalized and mightyena isn't.
That said, dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
In addition, you should never put author's notes inside your story.
And you've got some decidedly irregular capitalization, mostly with the sirs.
Anyway, amusing, though I would have expected something more along the lines of "pokemon are able to shoot fire, a dog can't really compete" than just "small dogs can be eaten by large cats, and Giovanni doesn't like irritations". Some sign the dog was actually useless would have been good.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5565800/1/Flat_On_The_Floor
"“People who are bored often are usually boring people.” "
No, sometimes they're just reading fics about other people being bored through no fault of their own.
Seriously, I'm sure you can start a decent story with a character announcing they're bored, but you really have to present something else interesting fast.
"“And people who don’t entertain their guests are rude!” "
Exactly.
"“Since when is it my job to make sure you’re not bored? "
Since you decided to post a fic for innocent readers to click on, that's when.
...and it's looking like it's not only boring, but more of that original fiction with people who share names with the canon cast, so I'll be stopping now.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5565983/1/UFO_baby_Pokemon_version
Capitalize your title properly.
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Don't list everything a character's wearing. It's just not that interesting.
You're missing a bunch of spaces around punctuation. Proofread better.
"Nicole sweatdropped"
No.
"Then,she walked to the loooooonnnnnggggg stairway to the shrine. (A/N:What is that called?) At the top,she saw an old man (around age 65)looking at her."
NO. You aren't being cute, you're being annoying. No special long, no author's note, no details that belong in the sentence being stuffed between parenthesis.
For god's sake don't indicate a scene change by listing the new location.
Your formating seems to be getting worse.
And now we've entered caps-land. I'll be stopping then.
I'm probably going to pass 50,000 tomorrow.
So, readers. Do you think I should keep doing what I'm doing, or just focus on stories I can say more about than title/dialogue/pokemon capitalization?
Anyway, actually ran into a bunch of decent stories today. It's like this is working or something.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5563626/7/Untitled_Pokemon_Crossover
Eh, this seems to have rapidly degraded into Standard Trainer Journey #21. I suppose when you said it was a crossover with Pokemon Crystal I should have realized it meant you'd be copying the game's plot (Except for the bits that are just fanon you failed to notice, like the idea that professors all hand out pokemon to all comers, instead of giving people pokemon to do a task) but it's still pretty disappointing, especially considering how jarring it is to jump from the relatively well characterized family of OCs into a world where "Mr. Pokemon" hands a random kid an egg to deliver.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5563712/1/Action
"Ash’s knees were miserably failing, falling down in shock. Pikachu raced towards its master, wrapping his stubby paws around Ash’s stomach "
Uh, I don't think knees tend to be emotional. And either Pikachu has just eviscerated Ash and is cuddling his stomach, or he can't be actually wrapping his paws around Ash's midsection, being a tiny pikachu and all.
Pay attention to what you're actually saying, not just how it seems inside your head.
...and you're writing dialogue correctly. Wow, I think this is maybe the fourth story in two days after basically no one managed it at all. Cool.
"Prepare for Trouble!"
Should really just be trouble, though.
...and so basically, Ash's thought process goes "Oh hey, Team Rocket. Oh hey, small child. Oh hey, Pikachu, could you blow them up?"
I mean, what?
Which isn't even getting into how very filler the whole section was. The repetitiveness of the canon episodes is widely considered a flaw, and only gets worse transposed into text.
...the fuck? You've reversed your dialogue.
"Please Review and tell me what you guys think! I need at least 4 reviews. ;)"
No, you don't.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5563950/1/Three_weeks_in_Zhou_Fortress
Capitalize your title properly.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
It should go without saying that - should not be used at all.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5564211/1/Land_of_the_Free
Write out numbers with letters.
"That was when we heard the news: Sailor Moon, the defender of Earth, was defeated. "
...and this isn't listed as a crossover because...?
"The perpetrators were described as being like Orcs or something."
It's just "orcs", no capitals.
Also, this is just horrendously vague. Sailor Moon lost! Who cares. Suddenly monsters! But I'm hanging in my city. Massive refugees! Wow, not the city's crowded. Also, there are maybe orcs everywhere. You'd think that if the world was falling to pieces around her she'd be a bit more interested in paying attention to events.
"There was no stopping them. Even religious leaders couldn’t stop them. No amount of praying could stop these savage creatures. "
Okay, so I'm going to go out on a limb here, but OH NOES THEY ARE IMMUNE TO US PRAYING AT THEM WHY DOES IT NOT WORK WE'VE EVEN GOT A LOUDSPEAKER AND EVERYTHING is not really doing much to convince me the orcs are actually a threat. Small children are immune to people praying at them, as are puppies, kittens and baby birds. Are people being wiped out by kittens? Are we cowering in cities hoping the kitten army will not challenge us, for our massive military industrial complex is as dust in the wind compared to the power of something that won't disappear when someone says a hail mary?
...BRB, training chicken attack force.
"Cerulean was forced to annex the costal city of Vermillion City to hold the refugees and the surrounding farmland to survive."
a) spellcheck.
b) LOL forced. Because in the grim future of Pokemon/Sailor Moon crossovers, there is no asking, there is only war. Seriously, if two American cities are right next to each other, they do this thing where they discuss events using their common language and shared cultural history to come to some sort of agreement.
c) How the fuck can they annex someplace if their idea of a fight is praying really really hard? If they've got any sort of army, why don't they - and I know this is probably going to sound a bit strange but bear with me - try to attack the deadly orcs with the *army* instead of priests? Or, you know, their pokemon. It being pokemon fanfiction and them presumably existing?
"The Apocalypse had come, it seemed. And Jesus was not going to save us. There was no Second Coming; only destruction."
Aside from LULZ EVERYONE'S CHRISTIAN RIGHT? in a crossover between two Japanese series no less, uh, do you know much about the second coming? Because it's supposed to involve a hell of a lot of death, and then Jesus kind of mops up the survivors. (Alternatively, Jesus takes the survivors first, and then everyone else dies horribly for a while.) So if they're still alive, I don't know how they can rule out Jesus.
Admittedly this is in a world where prayer is considered an appropriate response to orcs, so I guess sitting around waiting for Jesus to save them might actually be considered a step up.
"We feared our city would be the next one attacked. For some reason though, we were never attacked. We were lucky. "
Because otherwise the plot wouldn't work, so I'm just saying they're magically untouched.
"Because before we knew it, we were all that was left of civilization."
Uh, how exactly do they know this? If they can't leave their city and there's widespread distruction, how can they rule out the idea there are other safe areas? I mean, is some African city supposed to blow its power trying to send out radio messages to the dumbasses in America who actually tried praying really hard? How do you know they're dead? Or does it not count as civilization if it's not in America and they're not wasting their resources on unnecessary yet shiny electronics?
"With the last refugees reaching our city, the enemy came."
And how exactly are they crossing this orc-covered landscape?
"The remaining military units fought valiantly, giving the refugees enough time to reach the city."
...which we've established they have no reason to think is safe? Why aren't they trying to hold off the orcs from the city period?
"But I remember that day. And it was terrifying. I hid in my gym with my friends"
Because to be a gym leader with powerful pokemon is to hide sobbing away from anyone being useful.
"Using the power of the Silver Crystal, she set up a barrier protecting us from the Forces of Darkness. But it came at a great cost to her; doing so drained her powers, preventing her from transforming into Sailor Moon. What’s more, she needed the powers of her guardian Sailor Warriors to set up the barrier. Doing so drained their powers, as well. We were left without protectors; helpless in the case of an attack, and a barrier that would weaken on occasion. "
Because that was a better idea than, say, building a wall and then fighting orcs. I guess they were confused when praying really hard didn't make the rocks just spontaneously build a wall, and went off to cry because they were clearly doomed, what with the power of prayer failing them.
"Surrounding us is what is known as the ‘Wastes’; a desert-like post-apocalyptic wasteland that spans farther than the eye can see, and seems to go on for an eternity. "
How exactly did the orcs kill all plant life ever?
"Thanks to the barrier, though, technicians began designing the dome protecting us from Orc attacks. It was built by anyone who was healthy enough to work on it. The dome covers Cerulean, the former costal city of Vermillion (now simply a part of Cerulean), part of the Pacific Ocean, and surrounding farmland. "
Because it's a delicate dome you want and no, say, an easily defended wall. This story is depressing me. The humans just need to get on with it and die. It's clearly Darwin's will.
"We’re not even sure if we really are the last remnants of civilization. There might be more out there somewhere. "
Then why do you keep going on about it?
"Lately, some guy wearing red spandex has been fighting Orcs if they get in. He calls himself the Red Power Ranger, and he has filled the void left by Sailor Moon. But he is just one and the Orcs are many. Sometimes, we wonder if he is even enough. "
Boy, Misty, don't use any of those pokemon you must have if you're a gym leader! Because you're all clearly too stupid to live, and anything that delays the glorious day when you're all killed is a terrible thing. Nope, cower and hope one guy will save you.
"The 5 bank robbers worked at a frenzied pace to load their haul into their car."
Because by God there will still be money inside our doomed bubble city that is all that remains of humanity. We're Americans, not some godless islamocommufacists.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
...and okay you're describing a power ranger in painstaking detail I officially can't even pretend to take this seriously any longer.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5564377/1/The_Shadow_League
"many in the Manors immense gardens"
Unless the house is named (Something) Manor it's really just manor, and there should be an apostrophe to indicate possessive there.
Speaking of capitalization, you wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
"Despite his masters soothing"
Apostrophes, use them.
"while the Vaporeon landed elegantly back in the pool, dissolving into the pool."
Don't reuse words right next to them. If you can't think of a different word, use "it", as in "while the Vaporeon landed elegantly back in the pool, dissolving into it."
"increases their states"
Stats?
And my, this is a painfully mechanical way of looking at it, especially jarring considering your opening. And you're even going on to list levels.
Your dialogue is missing punctuation left and right.
"a soppy romance Soap Opera"
Stop capitalizing random words!
"Jake sat down beside her, putting his feet up on the small coffee table which was covered in litter; old empty crisp packets, dirty plates some still with half eaten sandwiches on and even a red sock Jake thought he’d lost weeks ago."
So they live in a manor/mansion with tended grounds wearing designer clothes but don't have any maids to clean up the house?
...where are their parents? Or legal guardians? Or the army of servants they hired to get around needing legal guardians?
"Judging by the Pokémon he kepst in his company; that Meowth of his couldn’t be more than a level 20 and the average level of my Pokémon is 28 at least."
For one thing, spellcheck.
For another, earlier he said:
"I’ve got a level 38 Charizard, Level 30 Mightyena-” and added because of a gentle nip from Espeon, “and a level 30 Espeon, not to mention my level 36-”
So assuming six pokemon, four of them are over L28, with an average of 33.5 meaning that his other two pokemon would have to be well below L28 to bring that down. In fact, even if his two remaining pokemon were L20, that'd still only give an average of 29. This makes assuming that any one of his pokemon, regardless of type, would automatically be a match for any one of the other boy's pokemon (whose one known pokemon is eyeballed as L20, and as we've established, the man character got both L20 and L38 pokemon on the same team and no way of knowing if this other trainer has an even greater level disparity.)
Now, it's possible that when you said "average" you meant "lowest", but even if we start at the premise that his weakest is L28, then with his charizard at L38 we have a disparity of ten levels. That means that if this challenger has a similar difference, then his strongest could be L30, stronger than his weakest and equal to his L30s (which means equal or greater than at least 1/2 of his team is, possibly 2/3 if his final unknown one is also L30 or below, and he's picking randomly here) then assuming he'd automatically win (especially ignoring type) is still nonsensical. That's without even bringing up that, again, there's no reason to think that the kid couldn't have a greater level disparity. If the kid's sending out even a L31 pokemon, it's now high leveled than at least half his team.
I get that you mean him to be in error, but there's a difference between wrong and incompetent. An actual misjudgment would be to assume the meowth being out means it's the kid's favored pokemon, and therefor assuming his whole team is twenty _or under_. Combine that with saying his weakest is L28 instead of the average is L28, and it'd be understandable for him to both assume he'll win and be willing to do sort of sporting things like choosing a random pokemon rather than his strongest.
(This is all without even getting into that different pokemon have different stats, and that honestly a L30 espeon and L30 mightyena are very, very different even before we get into type differences between pokemon)
In conclusion, if you're going to bring up math pay attention to it.
"Jake smiled, an insect Pokémon, easy."
A bug/flying pokemon with psychic moves against my grass/poison type, HOW COULD ANYTHING GO WRONG. You know what would really help? Using a really weak grass move against it. OMG WHY IS THE BUTTERFREE PWNING MY IVYSAUR THIS IS INCONCEIVABLE.
Again, I think you mean for him to be overconfident, but there's a different between making a mistake and holding an idiot ball. He's making mistakes that should be stuff everyone in his world understands. This is like shoving a moth at a cat and then betting the moth will win.
"While Butterfree lay helpless on its back, Wolfang’s Butterfree directed many more effective Flying moves at Ivysaur, while Jake looked on, stunned into silence. "
I'm pretty sure that first Butterfree was meant to be Ivysaur.
"“Its true, his Butterfree couldn’t have been more than a level 30 and Vaporeon is level 32!” Amelia said smugly."
...also vaporeon are capable of ice type moves, and not weak to...no? We're slavishly counting levels and ignoring types entirely? This is making less sense by the paragraph.
If a story is multiple chapters, post them using the chapter feature. If you want to post it all together, don't bother putting in chapter breaks, just use scene breaks.
Uh, if they said his dad's name or were, for that matter, talking at all, it'd be a good idea to actually give them a bit of dialogue then. Otherwise it's just Jake deciding to stalk some brawny men who walk by and then giving some half-assed excuse a little while later, which is admittedly amusing in the context of protesting the boy wasn't flirting with him, but almost certainly not what you meant.
Why don't they immediately use their pokemon? Pokeballs are kept on the belt. If they're being lifted by their collars, then their hands should still be free, especially since you say that the guy holding Amanda has his other hand over her mouth. They don't need to pull themselves loose, Jake just needs to get one hand free enough to send out his charizard.
Huh, you know, this whole plot wouldn't have been so obviously contrived here if you'd had all Jake's pokemon get knocked out. Maybe he only brought his ivysaur because it was his weakest and needed some leveling, but was still well above the level where any wild pokemon could hurt them, or maybe he brought two and the battle earlier was two on two. Then they're relying on Amelia, who might only have a few pokemon, and might have it kept at a harder to reach place, like deep in her pocket, or else might be being restrained so she can't reach it.
"Use only electric attacks; let their Pokémon come into physical contact with Pichu. That way there’s a good chance Pichu’s special ability Static will come into effect and paralyze their Pokémon, and then we can make our escape! "
"And as you also know, Bob, static has a set change of working meaning our odds increase the longer it remains in play."
Also, if they're trying to get static to take them out, they shouldn't want to use electric attacks but physical attacks, preferably ones that also have a potential to paralyze. I'm sure a bunch of rich kids like them could spring for a thunderpunch-using pichu, or one with volt tackle. (Considering how fragile pichu are and their pathetic attack, it's unlikely the amount of damage it takes from that would really change much about its lifespan in this battle.) Alternatively, instead of "electric attacks" they could just tell it to use thunderwave to paralyze them for certain.
Oh noes a dusk ball how sinister. Look, if you wanted to say these guys are using eeevil pokeballs, why not have them using eeevil pokeballs instead of just saying that dusk balls, evil pokeballs, same thing. It only ends up making the bit about how they have a cloud around them seem like it might just be a side effect of the dusk ball, which any player knows is perfectly harmless.
...and they're seriously engaging in a double battle under standard league rules with the eeevil guys, instead of trying to paralyze the actual humans keeping them there and running, or at least sending out all their pokemon at once and trying to defeat them/escape in the confusion.
"Pichu however battling beside Sneasel was hit, head on and as Houndoom Head-butted Pichu into the air, a sharp burst of electricity launched itself from Pichu’s cheeks and struck down in front of the men and their Pokémon creating an overwhelming dust cloud. "
What?
So they do have someone in charge. Where was she when masses of detritus were building up around Jake?
"Jake despite his instinct to assume this Pokémon was weak, Jake sent out the most powerful Pokémon he had with him. He threw his Pokéball and a Mightyena burst from the bright light, growling and snarling, looking around for its opponent. Its eyes settled on Glameow and it began to howl menacingly. "
..his L30 _mightyena_ is the strongest thing he's got? Not only is this further evidence that the two without mentioned levels are somewhere in the vicinity of L20, but we know he's got a L38 charizard, so did he just not take it with me? It's not even like you could say he didn't get a chance to heal them, which would be a poor enough reason, since we know he only battled twice yesterday and never used his charizard.
"“And sorry I had to say you were a girl. My mum doesn’t let me see boys. She says they’re too violent” he smirked. "
I really like how the evidence is accruing that all the male characters so far are very, very gay. I can't think of any other reason a mother would be so sure her teenaged son wouldn't get in any trouble being invited to hang out at girls' houses. Or maybe she's hoping that one of them will somehow talk him into sex and she'll get one biological grandchild before he meets a nice young doctor and settles down.
Anyway, basically decent premise, actually has stuff happening which is a welcome change, characters seem surprisingly character like instead of dull sues, really could use some polishing and better grasp of how pokemon/battles work, I'm really out of space here.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5564426/1/New_Beginnings
There are fifty seven stories right now with the title "New Beginnings." and over two hundred with just "Beginnings".
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
Speaking of yet another story, don't start with the character waking up. It's not that interesting to start with, and its use in literally hundreds if not thousands of stories already has elevated it to mind-numbingly dull.
Well, you're not capitalizing pokemon, that's a good sign.
"It was painted a generic color "
This is not. Just say "off-white" or something. That's basically the platonic ideal of generic color already.
...and you're doing dialogue right some of the time. It's spotty, though.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Huh, my usual snarling about trainer ages is joyously unnecessary here, as you seem to remember that there's no set age in gameverse to start with. You've even got him training his current pokemon in advance. And while you're repeating the opening of the second gen, you're not just copying the events but nicely developing them and adding all sorts of new detail in.
"“Jimmy, inside these three pokeballs are official starter pokemon for the Johto league. I wish for you to have one of them. "
OH GOD YOU WERE DOING SO WELL NO NO NO NO STARTERS THEY'RE JUST COOL POKEMON HE'S GOT THAT'S WHY NOT EVERYONE HAS A STARTER ON THEIR TEAM.
If you really want him to get one, you can just say something about how Elm knows it's not that safe to travel around so he's giving him an extra pokemon as backup, and also as a gift to thank him for helping out.
You do have a better done first-pokemon scene than normal, I'll grant - even the ones that involve looking over the pokemon for temperament tend not to bother asking the opinion of any other pokemon.
Spike is a pretty serviceable name, but kind of odd in comparison to "Ataro". Did his mother name the aipom?
"New bark town, Johto "
"There were more questions, including his Legal guardian "
Watch your capitals. They're all over the place.
It might help to say something about pokedexes being obscenely expensive, as Oak's speech in the games here is honestly pretty WTF. It wouldn't even be a stretch, a lot of scientific equipment is priced at several thousand dollars for a lump of metal that doesn't even work half the time, and a version that was not only reliable, but reliable outside the confines of a temperature/humidity/loud noises controlled lab where it is delicately cared for by an army of technicians lest it spontaneously catch on fire... Not that I'm bitter or anything. My point here is you could just say they're really expensive and outside the budget of any trainer, so that's why Oak's handing out one here instead of every trainer every having one.
"Oak’s assistant walked forward and handed him a glass container that had a softball sized egg with weird designs running down its sides.
“Be careful, and try not to run while carrying it,” said the assistant, “I’d hate to think what would happen if the egg cracked prematurely.”"
This could stand to be better thought through. People transport normal eggs, of well known species that are cheaply produced and easily replaceable, by wrapping them in a dozen layers of padding. That egg should be in large sealed box, covered in rubber, the inside filled with some sort of super Styrofoam interspaced with liquid layers probably produced by the same science companies for ungodly sums that would allow the whole thing to be dropped off a cliff without cracking.
I realize this would mean he probably wouldn't get to see it right now, but then you could just have him being impressed by when he sees Elm take it out of the box after delivery. Followed, possibly, by Elm dropping it and everyone realizing it's actually tough enough to be lugged around by a trainer without any real risk. And that they've just wasted twenty grand on a specially designed protective case.
Anyway, a pretty good if standard in places OT fic, but you've really got to proofread better.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5564429/1/Wait_for_Me
"The small electric mouse sitting on her shoulder jumped the gap between us"
This story seems to be otherwise written in third person, and "us" should only show up if the narration is in first person.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
"Its" is possessive, "it's" means "it is".
It should be written "okay".
NEVER WRITE DIALOGUE AND THOUGHTS THE SAME WAY. EVER.
Don't use ' for thoughts, it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse. As long as you put a "he thought" at the end you generally don't need any markers, anyway.
And absolutely never switch between multiple ways of indicating thoughts.
Anyway, this is really rather fillerish, although it at least seems to be taking place in the pokemon universe instead of being original fic with similarly named characters.
Oh, and why are they too stupid to try banging on the door and getting someone's attention?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5564742/1/The_Tales_of_a_Fugitive_Mudkip
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
"I was captured by Team Aqua near Slateport City"
Uh, mudkip pretty much aren't wild, and Team Aqua, unlike Team Rocket, don't seem particularly focused on stealing people's pokemon for the sake of it. Why not say they bought it? Or that the trainer joined or whatever? That'd also be less of a cliché than yet another poor stolen pokemon/inexplicably wild starter.
"I am a test subject for a speed boosting experiment known as Hyper-active. But for some reason, the effect was totally different. My moves became twice as powerful and I learned moves much faster than other mudkips."
Yeah, no.
Science works, yes. And sometimes it does weird things. But it's really unlikely for something meant to do one thing to do several other things all of which are better. It'd make more sense to say they were just trying to do this. If there's a particular effect you figure Team Aqua wouldn't want, that you can class as an unintentional side effect.
Also, your tenses are a mess here.
"The weirdest thing of all was that black markings appeared on my legs and I became able to use Dark-type moves usually unavailable to a normal Mudkip. "
Uh. See, pokemon can normally use all sorts of moves and their limitations tend to make reasonable sense based on their body. So if regular mudkip can't use, say, crunch neither can bizarro mudkip just because it's got some dark marks. Ones that are basically the same as existing mudkip moves but altered to be dark would work, but others wouldn't, and you aren't clear on if that's what you're doing here or if it's just any dark move you like.
"I then turned to face the Charmeleon, throwing him off guard when I calmly asked, "
Too many actions stuffed together. It'd help if you had the charmeleon doing something between the two events, both to stop making it sound like the mudkip's godmodding and just to balance the narration a bit more - it's quite heavily focused on the mudkip even beyond the fact they're narrating.
"The markings gave me the ability to faintly guess any Pokémon’s moves."
NO. Look, if you want a special mudkip then you can have a special mudkip. What you can't do is say that one single thing accidentally gave it a dozen unrelated abilities. Especially when we're combining dark moves with something that, assuming you bothered to explain it, could theoretically be a subability of psychic types but has nothing much to do with dark ones.
What's even more annoying is how pointless it is. If you're going to hand out special abilities for everything, even things that don't matter, then it becomes obvious there's no point in your story, no suspense at all. You say they've always had some ability and then they win, or they develop it on the spot or whatever.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5564768/1/New_friends_New_adventures
If you're going to repost something you should really fix all the errors first.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5564979/1/One_Play_Can_Decide_Who_You_Love
"Jansee: Now, as I was saying, this a story where you guys go to school, and there is a play hosted by an OC.
Drew: Not to be offensive, but that’s not gonna be any fun.
Jansee: BUT, the play is going to be very similar to Braid! a play in The Princess Dairies! And NO, that series is NOT stupid or lame. Better than Sherlock Holmes, if ya ask me."
It's nice that you like things. But if you want to write Braid fanfic, you should go do that, not regurgitate the story by puppeting a bunch of characters from another fandom around to show it off.
So you're using said. That's good. But you're also using all sorts of inappropriate speech tags, which is less good. I realize that with multiple characters talking at once you have to put something at the end of each bit of dialogue to indicate who's speaking, but this is a mess.
First, you can vary the dialogue by putting the speaker in front of it, as in She said, "Hello, author." You can also put the speaker in the middle of the sentence as "Hello, author," she said. "What do you think of the example?"
Second, you can just cut out half the superfluous dialogue. The conversation should have been much shorter, and that would have spared you from some of the more forced choices.
Finally, you're writing the dialogue wrong. Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Don't capitalize random words.
Also, this is original fiction and belongs on fictionpress.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5565244/1/Truth_or_Dare
Your dialogue is missing punctuation in a lot of places.
Also, you shouldn't be describing all your characters in a list. The first two are honestly forgivable, since they've obviously meant to be a pair, and even then, you'd have done better to go with a simple, elegant "dressed all in black" over "wore a black shirt with black pants and black shoes". (And if the point is they're Yin and Yang, why would she have checkered shoes and not white ones?)
(Incidentally, you do realize that yang is the white half and yin the black, right? Y'know, light/masculine/day dark/feminine/night and all that? Because you seem to have dressed them in opposite colors.)
Anyway, the other two girls don't even have a flimsy excuse for you to list every article of clothing.
...so why exactly is the fire type trying to block the girls from getting wet? Isn't hydropump a bigger deal for him?
"he fell anime style and sweat dropped"
This is stupid.
...and now periods have entirely fled the fic. Ugh.
In conclusion, not pokemon fic.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5565254/1/Schools_out_Summers_in
Capitalize your title properly.
"Were cousins and its Virginia’s"
We're = we are. Were = past tense of are. It's = it is. Its = possessive form of it.
Your characters already look OOC, and we're on the first line.
"Ash exclaimed to misty"
Use said, capitalize names.
"not so use to Ash’s Romantic Attention."
Used, don't capitalize things that aren't names.
Numerous other mistakes abound, but I really don't want to read further.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5565310/1/Pokemon_Awesome_adventures
Capitalize your title properly.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
"Although I am aware most of them involving an OT (Original Trainer) are boring. But with some good humor, I think I can make it work. "
See, a good author would have asked themselves how they could make their story different.
You have started your story with your trainer waking up.
I think you can tell how well you're making it work from that alone.
"Rowan then said out loud"
If he's muttering, then the previous bit was aloud too. Say "louder" or "audibly" if that's what you mean.
"It was much cooler then a regular Starly, and it seemed to be a little stronger as well."
No, shiny pokemon in the fourth gen do not have any special stats.
Rival should not be capitalized.
This is a boring and tiresome rehash of the standard OT cliches.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5565670/1/How_to_Ask_a_Girl_Out
Eh. Isn't explicitly OOC but aside from the general bit about Brock not having a clue, really not much in the way of IC. A pretty standard concept and a pretty standard execution.
And for once, I wish the girl could just ask the boy out, not ask him out by realizing he's trying and failing to ask her out and then tell him to just ask so she could say yes. Because one of these things is a bit simpler.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5565673/1/The_Cinderella_Sisters
Trying to read a story that's all centered is incredibly hard. It just about works for lines of dialogue. If you've got paragraphs, it shouldn't even be considered.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5565755/1/The_First_Dog
I'm extremely pleased to see a pokemon fanfic where dog is capitalized and mightyena isn't.
That said, dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
In addition, you should never put author's notes inside your story.
And you've got some decidedly irregular capitalization, mostly with the sirs.
Anyway, amusing, though I would have expected something more along the lines of "pokemon are able to shoot fire, a dog can't really compete" than just "small dogs can be eaten by large cats, and Giovanni doesn't like irritations". Some sign the dog was actually useless would have been good.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5565800/1/Flat_On_The_Floor
"“People who are bored often are usually boring people.” "
No, sometimes they're just reading fics about other people being bored through no fault of their own.
Seriously, I'm sure you can start a decent story with a character announcing they're bored, but you really have to present something else interesting fast.
"“And people who don’t entertain their guests are rude!” "
Exactly.
"“Since when is it my job to make sure you’re not bored? "
Since you decided to post a fic for innocent readers to click on, that's when.
...and it's looking like it's not only boring, but more of that original fiction with people who share names with the canon cast, so I'll be stopping now.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5565983/1/UFO_baby_Pokemon_version
Capitalize your title properly.
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Don't list everything a character's wearing. It's just not that interesting.
You're missing a bunch of spaces around punctuation. Proofread better.
"Nicole sweatdropped"
No.
"Then,she walked to the loooooonnnnnggggg stairway to the shrine. (A/N:What is that called?) At the top,she saw an old man (around age 65)looking at her."
NO. You aren't being cute, you're being annoying. No special long, no author's note, no details that belong in the sentence being stuffed between parenthesis.
For god's sake don't indicate a scene change by listing the new location.
Your formating seems to be getting worse.
And now we've entered caps-land. I'll be stopping then.
I'm probably going to pass 50,000 tomorrow.
So, readers. Do you think I should keep doing what I'm doing, or just focus on stories I can say more about than title/dialogue/pokemon capitalization?
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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Date: 2009-12-09 05:47 am (UTC)I am all for focusing on more creatively bad and actually-rather-decent fics.
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Date: 2009-12-09 05:50 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-09 06:48 am (UTC)What's the difference between me and most writers on FF.net? While most writers are writing fics to get their OTPs to hook up, I try to write a good story, much like some writers here. While some writers write formulaic fics like vampire-falls-for-mortal-girl or other things, I write a goddamn combination Jidaigeki/Western using characters from a goddamn shoujo manga and taking one of the characters and turning him into a total badass while adding a character from my own universe and making him badass too. While most writers write romance/crappy yaoi fics, I try to focus on the plot, or if it's a slice-of-life, focus on the relationships between the characters. Yes, I do write the occasional romance, but I tend to keep it as a secondary plot instead. While many writers use fucking crappy pop music, I show and make clear that I'm into music that will make most people's ears bleed! The Beatles, though, everybody likes them and that is a great thing. While many writers (Possibly 25 percent) go for 'goth' crap, I make the characters just be themselves. Many writers do this, I'm not knocking on everyone. The point is, I'd rather write things I want to write, like many hopeful writers on this site. And unfortunately, I don't get a lot of hits because people would rather read formulaic crap than a Western/Jidaigeki!
Clearly, I need to be more active on FFNet because I missed the part where most writers on that site write PWP boy-on-boy makeout sessions. This means there's a party that I'm missing, and I kinda want to get in on it.
Also, maybe it's just me, but somehow, being a guy who likes Sailor Moon but still feels the need to assert his "badassery" sort of screams "femme" to me.
This is relevant because I don't know whether or not I should be delving into this. On the one hand, fan senshi are usually hilarious. On the other, I've skimmed the first chapter, and I'm definitely detecting Pokemon MASTER vibes. Do we really need yet another attempt to be badass by taking Ash and Misty out of character in order to make one or both the saviors in a dark fic infested with monsters on steroids that can only be killed with kung-fu action? Because I didn't think it was that cool when Ace Sanchez did it ten years ago, and I still don't really think it's that cool now.
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Date: 2009-12-09 07:24 am (UTC)MUSIC THAT PHYSICALLY HARMS YOU: CLEARLY THE ANTITHESIS OF "CRAP"
IN OTHER NEWS: IT IS OKAY TO BE SHEEPLE FOR THE BEATLES
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Date: 2009-12-09 07:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-10 01:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-10 02:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-09 07:29 am (UTC)Not to mention that for all his goddamn posturing, he has such a snowflake-fragile ego that he feels the need to delete and repost his stories any time they get bad reviews. Frankly, my dear, I'd have been more impressed if you wrote goddamn angry responses in the author's note of the next chapter to explain how very much you "don't care" what anyone has to say about your story. That's still obnoxious and immature, but at least it's the flavor of obnoxious and immature you seem to want us to believe you are.
I still don't really think it's that cool now.
Only the author is pretending that it's "cool." Me, I just have high hopes it'll be So Bad It's Good.
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Date: 2009-12-09 02:13 pm (UTC)“If you whip him again,” said Kyo. “I will make sure you feel more pain than any whip can ever deliver. Is that clear?”
“Y-y-y-yes, it is!” He said. “Now let me go!” Kyo did so, and the man with the whip grabbed his arm, holding it in pain.
“You should feel lucky I didn’t use my katana or my wakizashi,” he said. "Now leave. And tell your boss not to hire abusive foremen." The man with the whip ran away from the scene with his figurative tail between his legs. With the foreman gone, the grateful workers immediately cheered and gravitated to Kyo, mobbing him. Kyo smiled as the men surrounded him.
“Thank you, Kyo-sama!” Said one Japanese man. “If it weren’t for you, we’d have no hope!”
“Please, I’m just happy to help,” said Kyo.
“Please, take this payment in our gratitude,” said another man, this one Chinese.
“Thank you,” Kyo said in response. The man gave him a silver coin that Kyo accepted gratefully. “I appreciate your kindness, as you appreciate mine.”
“If you are scamming us, we won’t be kind,” said one skeptical worker.
“Please, don’t think of it that way,” Kyo said in response. “I think of other first, payment last.”
“We know you’re as poor as us, Kyo-sama,” said another man. “That’s why we help.”
“Thank you,” said Kyo. “Now I must leave. My fiancé is probably worried about me.” The men surrounding him laughed in response, as they opened up a path for Kyo to leave. The men waved goodbye to him as he walked to his horse and put his conical kasa on. “So long!” He kicked the horse in the side and it galloped away while the men waved goodbye. Soon, the men got back to work on the railroad to improve the desert and plains.
That is some quality shit.
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Date: 2009-12-09 03:53 pm (UTC)(Also, Fruits Basket, but the number of things wrong with this scene made the history nerd in me lol forever.)
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Date: 2009-12-09 07:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-09 08:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-09 08:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-09 02:06 pm (UTC)And how he clearly thinks no one enjoys their crappy pop, but that they're all using it just because it's popular. Because popularity is divorced from enjoyment.
And how he thinks he's not doing a formula.
The Swordsman and The Gunslinger: The Western/Jidaigeki I talk about in my little rant. It stars the characters of Fruits Basket (Kyo & Tohru) as Japanese immigrants in the Old West, along with two characters from my 'Michaelsverse' (Jimmy Michaels and Karen McKenzie) as a gunslinger/former drifter and a shopkeeper, respectively. It does have elements of the Jidaigeki, like the swordsman, but it is essentially a Western because it takes place in the Old West and has Western tropes.
And by shojo he's talking about Fruits Basket. Fruits Basket. I mean, I know the first book looks kind of cute before we realize just how horrible things are, but the first book already has people getting punched through doors and stoically dealing with all sorts of issues. I'm not really sure what more you could do to say, Kyo.
No, wait, I know what you could do to make him badass.
Remove how he's uncomfortable around people and the bit where he's bothered by all the bad stuff happening to him (because emotions are not badass), make him punch out Akito, and then crack a one-liner that's actually a three-liner because he's just that badass.
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Date: 2009-12-09 04:03 pm (UTC)Thanks. Now I'm convinced he's closet gay.
Because, really, with Sailor Moon, you could at least use the excuse that you're watching it because hot Japanese schoolgirls are running around in mini-skirts
and occasionally hitting on each other in classic lesbian cousin fashion. With Fruits Basket, the only things you've got are basically a reverse harem full of fluff and angst and the most "badass" male character in the series getting neutered by a girl who wears a teddy bear backpack. (Yeah, I know that most of the characters' awesomeness lie in the fact that half the cast puts the fun in "psychologically dysfunctional," but it's not the shallow kind of badass that our lovely butch is thinking of. That and it's still not exactly asserting his masculinity.)no subject
Date: 2009-12-09 07:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-09 07:58 am (UTC)Man, this is some goddamn great weed.
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Date: 2009-12-09 02:08 pm (UTC)