NaRe, Day Nine
Dec. 9th, 2009 11:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlaUgh, I'm like thirty behind! I need to stop talking to people on the internet.
Oddly, despite what Moony claimed about getting an email warning, I'm not getting blocked. I guess presumably you could say my evil has scared people so much they aren't even posting, but seriously, thirty stories behind they are posting way fast enough.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5566085/1/The_Born_Supremacy
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
"They wonder whether these special Pokémon exist, let alone what kind of power they hold. "
Incredibly awkward wording here. "Let alone" just doesn't work in this sentence. Maybe something more like "They wonder whether these special Pokémon exist, and what kind of power they might hold."
"Few have even considered regarding them as gods. "
Okay, that would suggest they should be, but most people don't. From the rest of the paragraph it seems like it should a "A few have..." which would just mean some people have.
"considering the similarities between these legends and the myths of gods of various religions "
This is also confused, although in a different way. When you're referring to religion, it's unclear if you mean ones unique to the pokeworld or if we're meant to draw a parallel to our own world, as real world religions definitely don't fit this.
"Perhaps these legends are responsible for governing the laws of this world "
I don't think governing is the word you want here.
"I remember the way the world used to be before a new era of society changed everything. Countries around the world were able to do as they pleased under an unwritten code of international ethics. "
Yeah, gentleman's agreements tend to work out so very well.
If everyone was so pleased with the current system and already obeying it, I hardly see what harm writing them down would have done.
"Their own national governments were set up in order to ensure the security and prosperity of their people and the Pokémon who lived in peace. Most nations promoted democracy, allowing their citizens to do as they chose to ensure their own prosperity and security and, of course, their freedom. "
Of course, others didn't. But they were still in accordance with those vague international ethics, and that's what's really important.
"One can still talk to the people who lived in the time before the new era and hear their words of resentment for the advent of the new world. "
And then one day, the one world government came in and said that we could have a democracy instead of a king! Fuck those bastards and their fucking free speech laws, why in my day you'd have been drawn and quartered for speaking resentfully! Kids today, don't know how it used to be...
"The advent of this new era dates back to ten years ago "
So by "one can still talk to..." you mean "absolutely everyone old enough to have an adult conversation with you will all know about..."
"Prior to that time many countries lived in peace and without fear. However, the peace was short-lived, as neighboring nations began to argue amongst each other, fighting over resources, ideologies, and, of course, Pokémon. "
You know what might have helped here? Having a set code of ethics that everyone had agreed on, instead of everyone just agreeing to not be bad.
"The conflict started in the region between Europe and the Middle East as a minor miscommunication issue, but then the problem blew out of proportion and nearly exploded into an all-out nuclear war. "
So, basically, it had nothing really to do with resources or ideologies, it was just a translation error? And then the entire world went to war over it?
"Now, nuclear weapons were not involved, but the fight did consist of battles using both man-made weapons and Pokémon "
You mean, kind of like every fight ever since people first figured out you could make sharp rocks? Oh no!
"Nations attacked each other as well as the allies of other nations; those nations became angered and involved with the fight. "
You do realize that after WW1 the entire structure of politics and alliances was redone to make sure that wouldn't keep happening? And that if you're not the special kind of stupid Hitler was, you generally want to finish your current war before striking out at a bunch of new countries.
"The world then realized that another full-scale war broke out, and it was so violent and involved so many powerful nations that people called it the Third World War. "
Including, like, Australia? Africa? South America? I mean, I can see Canada getting guilted into sending over like five guys to help out the European side, and America just doing it for the lulz and oil. China would probably just be hanging out because the fighting is going on on the opposite end of their continent, unless they figured they could use this as a chance to reannex some little countries or just get back at Japan. Actually, yeah, they'd probably be fighting, but they'd be doing their own war.
"Middle Eastern nations such as Iran, Saudia Arabia, and Pakistan battled European nations such as France, Germany, Russia, and the United Kingdom. "
You do realize that "the middle east" is not like some unified block. Among other things, Saudi Arabia is propped up by the US. They start invading places in Europe, the regime collapses. Oh, and Russia kinda hates the rest of the European states.
". Other nations that declared war – some of them on their own side of the war – included Italy, Spain, Japan, North Korea, India, Brazil, Venezuela, Israel, Egypt, China "
Italy? Italy? They have a negative birth rate, old population, and have gotten fucked over in every major war.
Japan DOES NOT HAVE A REAL ARMY. (Also, the other people there hate them.) (Also they have similar population issues.)
North Korea? They don't have electricity. Seriously, if you look from space, everything's all lit up from all the cities except for a North Korea shaped hole. North Korea could declare war on everyone on earth and the response would be "Haha, silly little North Korea, thinking they matter." The only people who will even notice is South Korea, and they will made sad, sympathetic faces, pat the soldiers' heads and hand them food.
Brazil will be all, so whatever, you can't get us.
Venezuela might be all "OMG LOOK AT US WE'RE PARTICIPATING IN A WORLD WAR JUST LIKE THE IMPORTANT COUNTRIES" but they will send like five guys.
Israel will be thrilled that all the people normally devoted to killing them are busy with something else. They'll maybe retake Palestine again.
Egypt? We're currently having "diplomatic issues" because they wouldn't hand us their troops to invade another country. That says a lot.
And really, China has other issues and really doesn't need stuff. They might decide to try to take over the surrounding areas again, but you don't mention any of those guys being in the war, and it's not like China's going to fly their troops over to Europe to play. I guess they might "attack" Russia, but it'll just be a matter of sending some guys across the lower border, which isn't exactly populated and if Russia wanted it that badly they'd have people there already.
"and, to the dismay and relief of many, the United States of America – my homeland. "
Yeah, I kind of gathered from your attempt to list countries.
"As the war raged on, the President of the United States, Ms. Sephiria Markheim, had to make a tough decision. She received a message from the allied nations France and the United Kingdom to once again help them win the war. Italy had already fallen, Germany and Spain were falling fast, "
BECAUSE THEY ARE TOTALLY A MATCH FOR EUROPE OMG YOU GUYS YOU GUYS THE TERRORISTS ARE COMING FOR US.
"Japan and India had their own issues fighting North Korea and China. "
…Seriously, North Korea sucks. Also, again, South Korea. They are like the only ones on the entire planet who actually care what happens to North Korea, and they're actually a functioning country instead of a bunch of starving people.
"The only question was this: should the U.S. enter the war and run the risk of losing to other foreign nations, or should the U.S. stay out of the war and run the risk of being attacked with an unprepared defense? "
So is the moral "We shouldn't have a female president because her ovaries make her unable to realize you can build up a military without actually going to war at the same time"?
"President Markheim and the 117th Congress decided to declare war on only certain nations. Iran, North Korea, and Venezuela were at the top of the list, while Pakistan and Saudi Arabia followed closely should other nations like Israel and Russia need help."
You're actually serious, aren't you.
"The war lasted over three years, and neither side seemed to have an advantage. "
NORTH KOREA.
"People knew that the war had to be ended, but no one had any idea of how to do so "
It's called a treaty. They're pretty standard, really.
"Unfortunately, the idea was misinterpreted by citizens and world leaders alike, so instead of merely asking for the help of the legends to end the war, the Allied Powers actually enlisted various military generals and citizen soldiers to seek out and capture the legendary Pokémon of the world – if they even existed, that is. "
And the "Allied Powers" are...? I mean, you seem to have stuck China and NORTH KOREA THE UNSTOPPABLE together, and Japan and India.
"The more powerful Pokémon demonstrated their powers to cause catastrophic results on unwary armies, and other Pokémon simply intimidated the rest of the nations that learned of the destruction caused by so many deities. "
...so why the huge runaround instead of just throwing out some nukes?
"The enemy nations – who called themselves the Sixa Powers "
Aside from the fact that's a stupid name, you still have yet to explain who's who.
"The generals and world leaders of the Sixa Powers were brought before military court, and they were all relieved of their titles and powers as leaders. Some of them were charged with war crimes and sentenced to serving life in prison. The worst of them were actually executed. "
Just so we're clear, that means that China is in trouble for war crimes and Japan's "defense force" was made up of angels? Because that is hilarious.
"UN representatives knew that such a catastrophic war as this one must never happen again, and so world leaders – under the direction of the Allied Powers – structured a means to prevent another world war from occurring in the future. "
Okay...
"Their final plan consisted of this: the side that won the war achieved victory by means of the legendary Pokémon that are currently in the possession of various members of the Allied Powers. "
Okay...
"Thus, the owners of the legends must assume control over the nations of the world. "
WHAT THE FUCK?
"Each member of the new council – the owners of the legends – will hold authority over a particular country, its neighboring countries, and/or entire continents, depending on the rank of the member – which is determined by the power of the legendary Pokémon he or she possesses. The members with the most powerful legends will be part of an elite group among the world council. This elite group will be responsible for creating the laws of the world, and the remaining council will be responsible for enforcing and interpreting the laws. No single member shall hold authority over the entire council without a unanimous vote from the entire council nor without limiting terms of powers and the responsibilities of the elected leader. This new world council shall be titled “The Supremacy,” and the elite group shall be titled “The Super Supremacy.” "
Words fail me.
"he Supremacy did a fine job of protecting the people of the world – at first, but over time leaders became too overpowered, and they failed to do their jobs effectively and morally in the eyes of their citizens. Most people I know – those who lived in the age before the Supremacy and those who didn’t – are sick of the Supremacy nowadays, "
Because who cares about the world war we just had, they're not doing a good enough job in unspecified vague ways.
You really should have just set this in a made up world, and gave a reason for the fights. Maybe actual resource problems - and not oil. Global warming could cause a lot of instability/refugees/resource grabs.
And no kings of the world stuff. It's just dumb.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5566129/1/Post_Capture
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
"Do you know what it feels like to change – see the happy expression of its face only to be stowed away like nothing more than a tool that’s outlived its usefulness? "
I really can't understand this sentence. The second half is coherent, but it took several tries to guess that you mean "Do you know how it feels to evolve only to be stored away?" and not "Do you know how it feels to be changed for another pokemon?" and I'm still not entirely sure that's the right guess.
This is a problem with a lot of this. Your word choice is really weird. Sometimes it's just off, and other times it's actively screwing with my ability to understand the story.
"I’ve seen others pass in and out of this world, but I have always stayed. Others eventually joined me; you can even ask them yourself. "
For example, I'm pretty sure you mean "joined for good" here, as distinct from being put in and out, but "joined me" would apply to the first set too.
Also, it's unclear if the pokemon are going by their nicknames or naming themselves. If there's only one elekid and he's such a nonentity, then you wouldn't think he or the others would bother to name him, but he can't have been nicknamed, since he was pretty instantly sent in there.
"He saw the sun once, then never again. In this dimensions, he will forever be young, unknowing, uncaring. No will."
Isn't he just as capable of carrying on a conversation as the rest? Clearly they're changeable enough to learn new information within the PC. So he's still got internal stuff like will.
"Not a night has gone by when I have not yearned for home – the tall grass and absence of major predators. "
Uh, what presence of major predators does it face here? Is it just really bothered by their existence, even though they can't harm it? Or can the fights do harm, in which case they're really not that static.
"she is lost, unaware of her own existence. Do you see how she just lies on the ground? How others poke and prod her, but she never moves? "
That's a rather odd mental illness.
Also, this place seems rather interactive. They've got ground, they can not only talk but fight and poke each other - boring, I'll grant, but hardly sensory deprivation. Especially given that if the trainer started at ten and caught her on the first day, and is still a gung-ho trainer in his twenties, that'd only give us ten years - ten extremely boring years I'll grant you, but still, utter catatonia is a bit much.
Plus, there's lots of craziness that doesn't just involve curling up in a ball and not moving.
"He prodded it gently, and a red light suddenly escaped from it. A Raticate materialized. But something was not right about it. Its eyes seemed lost as if it was staring into infinity and would not move no matter how much he pawed at it."
So I see where you're going with this, but - for one thing, even if he did go nuts in the extremely specific way you're having them all go nuts, seeing new things should be pretty startling and provoke a reaction. People with catatonia can function normally in extreme circumstances, and you'd think that'd apply even more for induced catatonia from one very boring environment.
This would be a bit more believable if they were doing some sort of behavior instead of just blank staring, I think. If he's been walking in a circle for a couple thousand years or whatever he might well keep doing it after release.
Also, it seems your ending would work just as well if he got to the end sane/woke up sane when he was let out, only to promptly get killed seconds after he finally was free.
Basically, the shape of your idea is a decent one, and the actual resolution is clever - most of these just end with the pokemon trapped - but your execution is choppy.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5566230/1/Something_About_Diamond_and_Platinum
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Do not make up a name for putting two of your OCs together. It's ridiculous and pointless.
"The two newest Dex holders are Faro HeartGold and Star SoulSilver "
Those are absurd names even for the pokemon category. Also, seriously, stop with the random capitalization. The fact it's a game title doesn't mean you can capitalize a letter in the middle of a surname like that.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5566261/1/Tenacity
Eh. Your writing is decent, but not exciting enough to really make "get woken up early, have pokemon battle, be kind of annoyed the whole time" that interesting.
You do seem to be doing dialogue properly, which is nice.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5566266/1/Pokemon_Twilight
Use paragraphs, don't start the story with a trainer waking up that's boring and cliché, no, a new trainer being afraid of pokemon is not actually much of a new idea, a story should have something interesting going on it it not just a description of what your character is wearing.
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5566284/1/Training
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Don't use ' for pokemon speech, it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse. Use some other symbol to indicate it, or put it in different formatting, or just do it all in quotation marks if you really must.
Anyway, I get the idea you're trying to write this tongue in cheek or something, but it's just coming off as uncommitted and dull, yet rushed. Plus, seriously, if I cared about the card rules, I'd be reading Yugioh fanfic.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5566534/1/Pokemon_Mystery_Dungeon
This is a mess. Use standard formatting.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
"barley heard "
Barely. If you're having trouble with words like this, find someone to proofread for you.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5566722/1/The_Agony_Aunt
"This fanfiction is mainly based on contestshipping but will have Major Ikarishipping and Pokeshipping and possibly oldrivialshipping. "
Capitalization shouldn't be random.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
This is basically original fiction. Very dull original fiction.
Write out numbers with letters.
Don't ever put an author's note in a story.
Don't switch from third person to first person midway through. Pick one.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5566729/1/Prozac
"The contents of the ball remained a mystery to him but, given the person who had let him borrow the enigmatic pokemon, he was afraid to find out. "
Not well worded. The pokeball would be closer to enigmatic, but even then, it's not really the best word for "I haven't checked yet" situations. Enigmatic explanation, maybe.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
"All that was known was that when people heard the words "Go, Nightmare!", they tended to ask if they could forfeit."
Uh, I get that you're trying to emphasize how badass her pokemon are, but unless those pokemon are personally hunting down anyone who spreads stories about them, I'd think that to have a reputation like that people would have to know more than that other people forfeited. Also, it ends up begging the question of why they'd challenge her if they know her pokemon is so scary they don't dare face it.
...so Zack has azure hair and orange eyes? Really? That wasn't necessary.
Okay, I give you points for the description, but am left deeply confused at to the point here.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5567105/1/Spirit
"The pale light sparkled on its ethereal skin, and it looked like a floating pink fairy."
You have some horrible tone dissonance here. Decide if this is supposed to be flowery or cute.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
In addition -
"“I don’t like this,” the fairy said, glancing upwards again nervously, “it seems too…quiet, for some reason.”"
When you're interrupting a sentence like that, you're usually doing to end the middle bit on a period.
See, the original line is probably "I don't like this. It seems too...quiet, for some reason." This means that if you drop a said in the middle, it's said, then a period, then a new sentence. -
"I don't like this," the fairy said. "It seems too...quiet, for some reason."
While if you're interrupting a sentence in the middle, you write it as you're doing.
"I don't like this. It seems," the fairy said, "too quiet."
(And I recognize it's possible to assume that it's supposed to be "I don't like this, it seems too...quiet, for some reason. But if you're breaking apart long sentences with a said, there's a long interruption and it reads like the end of one sentence and start of another, so unless it's definitely an interrupted sentence and you need to indicate that, it should be treated as a new sentence.)
Also, look, we're all familiar with pokemon. That means you don't need to keep saying "the pink fairy" over and over again.
In addition, you could refer to them by whatever name they go by. That would also go a long way to making the narration run more smoothly.
"its" is possessive, "it's" means "it is".
Don't write up a new location as a scene break. Just say where they are in the story if it's relevant.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Huh, it's nice seeing the standard PMD opening done from this angle.
"Leon sprang to his feet to try to help, but a small blue bat with purple leather wings, also seeming to appear out of thing air, put the corner of his sharp wing to his neck and forced him to the ground. "
Aside from the fact that should have been thin, this is a mess. See, the exact appearance of the bat isn't relevant to the action taking place, and therefore it clutters up a sentence that should be active. Again, it's a pokemon fic. We know they're pokemon. You can just use the nice, convenient pokemon species to refer to them. It's like talking about a shaggy yellow-furred four-legged mammal every time you mention a dog.
Also, every time you write out a phonic accent, God kills a kitten.
"According to those two – no, make that four – idiots who’d she’d just run into, she now bore the appearance of a…Vulpix.
“What a weird name,” Kaine muttered. Was that the name for her species?"
But she just mentioned pokemon and being shocked they could talk, so she must be familiar with individual pokemon species.
Anyway, your writing is, besides this, actually pretty well done, and also impressively unrushed - a lot of stories tend to barrel through events without really developing them properly.
That said - "Constructive critism"
Your author's notes are showing up along with the rest of your story, and therefore really need to be spellchecked too.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5567222/1/A_Christmas_PARTY
That was utterly pointless. Also, you capitalize all of the place name, not just the first word.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5567526/1/Stop_and_Stare
"It was attached to a wolf or fox-like shape"
Okay, for one thing, you should just commit to one. For another, no, umbreon do not have either shape. Both the animals you listed have long, fluffy fur, which gives them a different shape than umbreon, which like many pokemon have extremely short fur. Both also have triangular ears, which umbreon do not have.
I get that eevee looks foxlike and indeed is intended as such. But if you're trying to describe what something looks like, it has to be based on what it actually looks like, not something that's an inspiration. Umbreon are basically four-legged things with really long narrow ears and a long narrow tail. At best, you could call them doglike given there are dogs with short enough fur to look similar.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
In addition, he's a pokemon. He's looking through glass. Glass is a substance long noted for its impressive ability to shatter. If he wants out, he can get out.
Now, if you just want him to kinda want out for now, but not enough that he's willing to smash his way out, you need to be clearer that he wants to go out for some reason, and not simply that he's "wanting to get away" and "trapped in the room ".
Don't use ' for thoughts, it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse. As long as you put a "he thought" at the end you generally don't need any markers, anyway.
"All the wild Pokemon, such as Hoothoot who were awake at this time, looked at Umbri, wondering what he was doing. "
Uh, all of them? He's really that interesting that the entire forest is paying attention to him? And it's so surprising for an umbreon to be wandering around at night in a forest?
"Lumina stood in the shadows, but then suddenly had an urge to go up to Umbri. She felt a little scared at first, thinking that Umbri wouldn’t like it… "
Aside from yet another girl-being-spineless, I bet Umbri would like her around just fine if instead of being spineless earlier and doing it out of sight, she'd walked up and offered to open the door for him so he knew she'd done it.
"She then looked at Umbri, who was surveying the bright stars above. You could never really see them at their owner’s place, even through the glass."
Uh, glass doesn't really work like that.
Now, if they're living in a city, then it's possible there'd be enough light pollution to blot out most of the stars. Suburbs, which is where they seem to be at, you should still see plenty, just not as well - so it'd be better put that they looked better out there, not that you "could never really see them" at all.
"Lumina then gained a bit of happiness. He really wanted to see her? Well, she wanted to see if he really does. "
Um. They live in the same house. She should really not be that surprised and thrilled that he's saying hi to her. Although if her response to any form of friendliness is to push it as far as it goes to see if someone's "really" happy to see her she obviously has validation issues already.
Also, tense change.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Speaking of said, use it. It's generally more appropriate to the sentence.
"Well, all this time he had really liked her. He was only a bit too quiet to admit it. "
They. Live. In. The. Same. House.
"“We should probably get home; Usually Rachel gets up in the middle of the night because of her insomnia…”
“Oh alright…” Umbri sounded a little down, he wanted to spend more time with Lumina."
They. Live. In. The. Same. House.
Look, if you want to do something where they realize they love each other, you're much better off not making them be both secretly in love and just unable to spit it out, but rather that they already were friendly and only just realized it was actually love.
Alternatively, you could have them living with different owners, perhaps neighbors, so that while they see each other it's hardly constant.
Oddly, despite what Moony claimed about getting an email warning, I'm not getting blocked. I guess presumably you could say my evil has scared people so much they aren't even posting, but seriously, thirty stories behind they are posting way fast enough.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5566085/1/The_Born_Supremacy
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
"They wonder whether these special Pokémon exist, let alone what kind of power they hold. "
Incredibly awkward wording here. "Let alone" just doesn't work in this sentence. Maybe something more like "They wonder whether these special Pokémon exist, and what kind of power they might hold."
"Few have even considered regarding them as gods. "
Okay, that would suggest they should be, but most people don't. From the rest of the paragraph it seems like it should a "A few have..." which would just mean some people have.
"considering the similarities between these legends and the myths of gods of various religions "
This is also confused, although in a different way. When you're referring to religion, it's unclear if you mean ones unique to the pokeworld or if we're meant to draw a parallel to our own world, as real world religions definitely don't fit this.
"Perhaps these legends are responsible for governing the laws of this world "
I don't think governing is the word you want here.
"I remember the way the world used to be before a new era of society changed everything. Countries around the world were able to do as they pleased under an unwritten code of international ethics. "
Yeah, gentleman's agreements tend to work out so very well.
If everyone was so pleased with the current system and already obeying it, I hardly see what harm writing them down would have done.
"Their own national governments were set up in order to ensure the security and prosperity of their people and the Pokémon who lived in peace. Most nations promoted democracy, allowing their citizens to do as they chose to ensure their own prosperity and security and, of course, their freedom. "
Of course, others didn't. But they were still in accordance with those vague international ethics, and that's what's really important.
"One can still talk to the people who lived in the time before the new era and hear their words of resentment for the advent of the new world. "
And then one day, the one world government came in and said that we could have a democracy instead of a king! Fuck those bastards and their fucking free speech laws, why in my day you'd have been drawn and quartered for speaking resentfully! Kids today, don't know how it used to be...
"The advent of this new era dates back to ten years ago "
So by "one can still talk to..." you mean "absolutely everyone old enough to have an adult conversation with you will all know about..."
"Prior to that time many countries lived in peace and without fear. However, the peace was short-lived, as neighboring nations began to argue amongst each other, fighting over resources, ideologies, and, of course, Pokémon. "
You know what might have helped here? Having a set code of ethics that everyone had agreed on, instead of everyone just agreeing to not be bad.
"The conflict started in the region between Europe and the Middle East as a minor miscommunication issue, but then the problem blew out of proportion and nearly exploded into an all-out nuclear war. "
So, basically, it had nothing really to do with resources or ideologies, it was just a translation error? And then the entire world went to war over it?
"Now, nuclear weapons were not involved, but the fight did consist of battles using both man-made weapons and Pokémon "
You mean, kind of like every fight ever since people first figured out you could make sharp rocks? Oh no!
"Nations attacked each other as well as the allies of other nations; those nations became angered and involved with the fight. "
You do realize that after WW1 the entire structure of politics and alliances was redone to make sure that wouldn't keep happening? And that if you're not the special kind of stupid Hitler was, you generally want to finish your current war before striking out at a bunch of new countries.
"The world then realized that another full-scale war broke out, and it was so violent and involved so many powerful nations that people called it the Third World War. "
Including, like, Australia? Africa? South America? I mean, I can see Canada getting guilted into sending over like five guys to help out the European side, and America just doing it for the lulz and oil. China would probably just be hanging out because the fighting is going on on the opposite end of their continent, unless they figured they could use this as a chance to reannex some little countries or just get back at Japan. Actually, yeah, they'd probably be fighting, but they'd be doing their own war.
"Middle Eastern nations such as Iran, Saudia Arabia, and Pakistan battled European nations such as France, Germany, Russia, and the United Kingdom. "
You do realize that "the middle east" is not like some unified block. Among other things, Saudi Arabia is propped up by the US. They start invading places in Europe, the regime collapses. Oh, and Russia kinda hates the rest of the European states.
". Other nations that declared war – some of them on their own side of the war – included Italy, Spain, Japan, North Korea, India, Brazil, Venezuela, Israel, Egypt, China "
Italy? Italy? They have a negative birth rate, old population, and have gotten fucked over in every major war.
Japan DOES NOT HAVE A REAL ARMY. (Also, the other people there hate them.) (Also they have similar population issues.)
North Korea? They don't have electricity. Seriously, if you look from space, everything's all lit up from all the cities except for a North Korea shaped hole. North Korea could declare war on everyone on earth and the response would be "Haha, silly little North Korea, thinking they matter." The only people who will even notice is South Korea, and they will made sad, sympathetic faces, pat the soldiers' heads and hand them food.
Brazil will be all, so whatever, you can't get us.
Venezuela might be all "OMG LOOK AT US WE'RE PARTICIPATING IN A WORLD WAR JUST LIKE THE IMPORTANT COUNTRIES" but they will send like five guys.
Israel will be thrilled that all the people normally devoted to killing them are busy with something else. They'll maybe retake Palestine again.
Egypt? We're currently having "diplomatic issues" because they wouldn't hand us their troops to invade another country. That says a lot.
And really, China has other issues and really doesn't need stuff. They might decide to try to take over the surrounding areas again, but you don't mention any of those guys being in the war, and it's not like China's going to fly their troops over to Europe to play. I guess they might "attack" Russia, but it'll just be a matter of sending some guys across the lower border, which isn't exactly populated and if Russia wanted it that badly they'd have people there already.
"and, to the dismay and relief of many, the United States of America – my homeland. "
Yeah, I kind of gathered from your attempt to list countries.
"As the war raged on, the President of the United States, Ms. Sephiria Markheim, had to make a tough decision. She received a message from the allied nations France and the United Kingdom to once again help them win the war. Italy had already fallen, Germany and Spain were falling fast, "
BECAUSE THEY ARE TOTALLY A MATCH FOR EUROPE OMG YOU GUYS YOU GUYS THE TERRORISTS ARE COMING FOR US.
"Japan and India had their own issues fighting North Korea and China. "
…Seriously, North Korea sucks. Also, again, South Korea. They are like the only ones on the entire planet who actually care what happens to North Korea, and they're actually a functioning country instead of a bunch of starving people.
"The only question was this: should the U.S. enter the war and run the risk of losing to other foreign nations, or should the U.S. stay out of the war and run the risk of being attacked with an unprepared defense? "
So is the moral "We shouldn't have a female president because her ovaries make her unable to realize you can build up a military without actually going to war at the same time"?
"President Markheim and the 117th Congress decided to declare war on only certain nations. Iran, North Korea, and Venezuela were at the top of the list, while Pakistan and Saudi Arabia followed closely should other nations like Israel and Russia need help."
You're actually serious, aren't you.
"The war lasted over three years, and neither side seemed to have an advantage. "
NORTH KOREA.
"People knew that the war had to be ended, but no one had any idea of how to do so "
It's called a treaty. They're pretty standard, really.
"Unfortunately, the idea was misinterpreted by citizens and world leaders alike, so instead of merely asking for the help of the legends to end the war, the Allied Powers actually enlisted various military generals and citizen soldiers to seek out and capture the legendary Pokémon of the world – if they even existed, that is. "
And the "Allied Powers" are...? I mean, you seem to have stuck China and NORTH KOREA THE UNSTOPPABLE together, and Japan and India.
"The more powerful Pokémon demonstrated their powers to cause catastrophic results on unwary armies, and other Pokémon simply intimidated the rest of the nations that learned of the destruction caused by so many deities. "
...so why the huge runaround instead of just throwing out some nukes?
"The enemy nations – who called themselves the Sixa Powers "
Aside from the fact that's a stupid name, you still have yet to explain who's who.
"The generals and world leaders of the Sixa Powers were brought before military court, and they were all relieved of their titles and powers as leaders. Some of them were charged with war crimes and sentenced to serving life in prison. The worst of them were actually executed. "
Just so we're clear, that means that China is in trouble for war crimes and Japan's "defense force" was made up of angels? Because that is hilarious.
"UN representatives knew that such a catastrophic war as this one must never happen again, and so world leaders – under the direction of the Allied Powers – structured a means to prevent another world war from occurring in the future. "
Okay...
"Their final plan consisted of this: the side that won the war achieved victory by means of the legendary Pokémon that are currently in the possession of various members of the Allied Powers. "
Okay...
"Thus, the owners of the legends must assume control over the nations of the world. "
WHAT THE FUCK?
"Each member of the new council – the owners of the legends – will hold authority over a particular country, its neighboring countries, and/or entire continents, depending on the rank of the member – which is determined by the power of the legendary Pokémon he or she possesses. The members with the most powerful legends will be part of an elite group among the world council. This elite group will be responsible for creating the laws of the world, and the remaining council will be responsible for enforcing and interpreting the laws. No single member shall hold authority over the entire council without a unanimous vote from the entire council nor without limiting terms of powers and the responsibilities of the elected leader. This new world council shall be titled “The Supremacy,” and the elite group shall be titled “The Super Supremacy.” "
Words fail me.
"he Supremacy did a fine job of protecting the people of the world – at first, but over time leaders became too overpowered, and they failed to do their jobs effectively and morally in the eyes of their citizens. Most people I know – those who lived in the age before the Supremacy and those who didn’t – are sick of the Supremacy nowadays, "
Because who cares about the world war we just had, they're not doing a good enough job in unspecified vague ways.
You really should have just set this in a made up world, and gave a reason for the fights. Maybe actual resource problems - and not oil. Global warming could cause a lot of instability/refugees/resource grabs.
And no kings of the world stuff. It's just dumb.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5566129/1/Post_Capture
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
"Do you know what it feels like to change – see the happy expression of its face only to be stowed away like nothing more than a tool that’s outlived its usefulness? "
I really can't understand this sentence. The second half is coherent, but it took several tries to guess that you mean "Do you know how it feels to evolve only to be stored away?" and not "Do you know how it feels to be changed for another pokemon?" and I'm still not entirely sure that's the right guess.
This is a problem with a lot of this. Your word choice is really weird. Sometimes it's just off, and other times it's actively screwing with my ability to understand the story.
"I’ve seen others pass in and out of this world, but I have always stayed. Others eventually joined me; you can even ask them yourself. "
For example, I'm pretty sure you mean "joined for good" here, as distinct from being put in and out, but "joined me" would apply to the first set too.
Also, it's unclear if the pokemon are going by their nicknames or naming themselves. If there's only one elekid and he's such a nonentity, then you wouldn't think he or the others would bother to name him, but he can't have been nicknamed, since he was pretty instantly sent in there.
"He saw the sun once, then never again. In this dimensions, he will forever be young, unknowing, uncaring. No will."
Isn't he just as capable of carrying on a conversation as the rest? Clearly they're changeable enough to learn new information within the PC. So he's still got internal stuff like will.
"Not a night has gone by when I have not yearned for home – the tall grass and absence of major predators. "
Uh, what presence of major predators does it face here? Is it just really bothered by their existence, even though they can't harm it? Or can the fights do harm, in which case they're really not that static.
"she is lost, unaware of her own existence. Do you see how she just lies on the ground? How others poke and prod her, but she never moves? "
That's a rather odd mental illness.
Also, this place seems rather interactive. They've got ground, they can not only talk but fight and poke each other - boring, I'll grant, but hardly sensory deprivation. Especially given that if the trainer started at ten and caught her on the first day, and is still a gung-ho trainer in his twenties, that'd only give us ten years - ten extremely boring years I'll grant you, but still, utter catatonia is a bit much.
Plus, there's lots of craziness that doesn't just involve curling up in a ball and not moving.
"He prodded it gently, and a red light suddenly escaped from it. A Raticate materialized. But something was not right about it. Its eyes seemed lost as if it was staring into infinity and would not move no matter how much he pawed at it."
So I see where you're going with this, but - for one thing, even if he did go nuts in the extremely specific way you're having them all go nuts, seeing new things should be pretty startling and provoke a reaction. People with catatonia can function normally in extreme circumstances, and you'd think that'd apply even more for induced catatonia from one very boring environment.
This would be a bit more believable if they were doing some sort of behavior instead of just blank staring, I think. If he's been walking in a circle for a couple thousand years or whatever he might well keep doing it after release.
Also, it seems your ending would work just as well if he got to the end sane/woke up sane when he was let out, only to promptly get killed seconds after he finally was free.
Basically, the shape of your idea is a decent one, and the actual resolution is clever - most of these just end with the pokemon trapped - but your execution is choppy.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5566230/1/Something_About_Diamond_and_Platinum
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Do not make up a name for putting two of your OCs together. It's ridiculous and pointless.
"The two newest Dex holders are Faro HeartGold and Star SoulSilver "
Those are absurd names even for the pokemon category. Also, seriously, stop with the random capitalization. The fact it's a game title doesn't mean you can capitalize a letter in the middle of a surname like that.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5566261/1/Tenacity
Eh. Your writing is decent, but not exciting enough to really make "get woken up early, have pokemon battle, be kind of annoyed the whole time" that interesting.
You do seem to be doing dialogue properly, which is nice.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5566266/1/Pokemon_Twilight
Use paragraphs, don't start the story with a trainer waking up that's boring and cliché, no, a new trainer being afraid of pokemon is not actually much of a new idea, a story should have something interesting going on it it not just a description of what your character is wearing.
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5566284/1/Training
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Don't use ' for pokemon speech, it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse. Use some other symbol to indicate it, or put it in different formatting, or just do it all in quotation marks if you really must.
Anyway, I get the idea you're trying to write this tongue in cheek or something, but it's just coming off as uncommitted and dull, yet rushed. Plus, seriously, if I cared about the card rules, I'd be reading Yugioh fanfic.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5566534/1/Pokemon_Mystery_Dungeon
This is a mess. Use standard formatting.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
"barley heard "
Barely. If you're having trouble with words like this, find someone to proofread for you.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5566722/1/The_Agony_Aunt
"This fanfiction is mainly based on contestshipping but will have Major Ikarishipping and Pokeshipping and possibly oldrivialshipping. "
Capitalization shouldn't be random.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
This is basically original fiction. Very dull original fiction.
Write out numbers with letters.
Don't ever put an author's note in a story.
Don't switch from third person to first person midway through. Pick one.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5566729/1/Prozac
"The contents of the ball remained a mystery to him but, given the person who had let him borrow the enigmatic pokemon, he was afraid to find out. "
Not well worded. The pokeball would be closer to enigmatic, but even then, it's not really the best word for "I haven't checked yet" situations. Enigmatic explanation, maybe.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
"All that was known was that when people heard the words "Go, Nightmare!", they tended to ask if they could forfeit."
Uh, I get that you're trying to emphasize how badass her pokemon are, but unless those pokemon are personally hunting down anyone who spreads stories about them, I'd think that to have a reputation like that people would have to know more than that other people forfeited. Also, it ends up begging the question of why they'd challenge her if they know her pokemon is so scary they don't dare face it.
...so Zack has azure hair and orange eyes? Really? That wasn't necessary.
Okay, I give you points for the description, but am left deeply confused at to the point here.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5567105/1/Spirit
"The pale light sparkled on its ethereal skin, and it looked like a floating pink fairy."
You have some horrible tone dissonance here. Decide if this is supposed to be flowery or cute.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
In addition -
"“I don’t like this,” the fairy said, glancing upwards again nervously, “it seems too…quiet, for some reason.”"
When you're interrupting a sentence like that, you're usually doing to end the middle bit on a period.
See, the original line is probably "I don't like this. It seems too...quiet, for some reason." This means that if you drop a said in the middle, it's said, then a period, then a new sentence. -
"I don't like this," the fairy said. "It seems too...quiet, for some reason."
While if you're interrupting a sentence in the middle, you write it as you're doing.
"I don't like this. It seems," the fairy said, "too quiet."
(And I recognize it's possible to assume that it's supposed to be "I don't like this, it seems too...quiet, for some reason. But if you're breaking apart long sentences with a said, there's a long interruption and it reads like the end of one sentence and start of another, so unless it's definitely an interrupted sentence and you need to indicate that, it should be treated as a new sentence.)
Also, look, we're all familiar with pokemon. That means you don't need to keep saying "the pink fairy" over and over again.
In addition, you could refer to them by whatever name they go by. That would also go a long way to making the narration run more smoothly.
"its" is possessive, "it's" means "it is".
Don't write up a new location as a scene break. Just say where they are in the story if it's relevant.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Huh, it's nice seeing the standard PMD opening done from this angle.
"Leon sprang to his feet to try to help, but a small blue bat with purple leather wings, also seeming to appear out of thing air, put the corner of his sharp wing to his neck and forced him to the ground. "
Aside from the fact that should have been thin, this is a mess. See, the exact appearance of the bat isn't relevant to the action taking place, and therefore it clutters up a sentence that should be active. Again, it's a pokemon fic. We know they're pokemon. You can just use the nice, convenient pokemon species to refer to them. It's like talking about a shaggy yellow-furred four-legged mammal every time you mention a dog.
Also, every time you write out a phonic accent, God kills a kitten.
"According to those two – no, make that four – idiots who’d she’d just run into, she now bore the appearance of a…Vulpix.
“What a weird name,” Kaine muttered. Was that the name for her species?"
But she just mentioned pokemon and being shocked they could talk, so she must be familiar with individual pokemon species.
Anyway, your writing is, besides this, actually pretty well done, and also impressively unrushed - a lot of stories tend to barrel through events without really developing them properly.
That said - "Constructive critism"
Your author's notes are showing up along with the rest of your story, and therefore really need to be spellchecked too.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5567222/1/A_Christmas_PARTY
That was utterly pointless. Also, you capitalize all of the place name, not just the first word.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5567526/1/Stop_and_Stare
"It was attached to a wolf or fox-like shape"
Okay, for one thing, you should just commit to one. For another, no, umbreon do not have either shape. Both the animals you listed have long, fluffy fur, which gives them a different shape than umbreon, which like many pokemon have extremely short fur. Both also have triangular ears, which umbreon do not have.
I get that eevee looks foxlike and indeed is intended as such. But if you're trying to describe what something looks like, it has to be based on what it actually looks like, not something that's an inspiration. Umbreon are basically four-legged things with really long narrow ears and a long narrow tail. At best, you could call them doglike given there are dogs with short enough fur to look similar.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
In addition, he's a pokemon. He's looking through glass. Glass is a substance long noted for its impressive ability to shatter. If he wants out, he can get out.
Now, if you just want him to kinda want out for now, but not enough that he's willing to smash his way out, you need to be clearer that he wants to go out for some reason, and not simply that he's "wanting to get away" and "trapped in the room ".
Don't use ' for thoughts, it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse. As long as you put a "he thought" at the end you generally don't need any markers, anyway.
"All the wild Pokemon, such as Hoothoot who were awake at this time, looked at Umbri, wondering what he was doing. "
Uh, all of them? He's really that interesting that the entire forest is paying attention to him? And it's so surprising for an umbreon to be wandering around at night in a forest?
"Lumina stood in the shadows, but then suddenly had an urge to go up to Umbri. She felt a little scared at first, thinking that Umbri wouldn’t like it… "
Aside from yet another girl-being-spineless, I bet Umbri would like her around just fine if instead of being spineless earlier and doing it out of sight, she'd walked up and offered to open the door for him so he knew she'd done it.
"She then looked at Umbri, who was surveying the bright stars above. You could never really see them at their owner’s place, even through the glass."
Uh, glass doesn't really work like that.
Now, if they're living in a city, then it's possible there'd be enough light pollution to blot out most of the stars. Suburbs, which is where they seem to be at, you should still see plenty, just not as well - so it'd be better put that they looked better out there, not that you "could never really see them" at all.
"Lumina then gained a bit of happiness. He really wanted to see her? Well, she wanted to see if he really does. "
Um. They live in the same house. She should really not be that surprised and thrilled that he's saying hi to her. Although if her response to any form of friendliness is to push it as far as it goes to see if someone's "really" happy to see her she obviously has validation issues already.
Also, tense change.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Speaking of said, use it. It's generally more appropriate to the sentence.
"Well, all this time he had really liked her. He was only a bit too quiet to admit it. "
They. Live. In. The. Same. House.
"“We should probably get home; Usually Rachel gets up in the middle of the night because of her insomnia…”
“Oh alright…” Umbri sounded a little down, he wanted to spend more time with Lumina."
They. Live. In. The. Same. House.
Look, if you want to do something where they realize they love each other, you're much better off not making them be both secretly in love and just unable to spit it out, but rather that they already were friendly and only just realized it was actually love.
Alternatively, you could have them living with different owners, perhaps neighbors, so that while they see each other it's hardly constant.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2009-12-10 04:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-10 12:30 pm (UTC)And when you're got a dozen ten year olds with legendaries, and they say they want to be called the Super Supremacy, you just say, "Yes, your Pokeship," and roll your eyes once they've wandered off.
no subject
Date: 2009-12-10 06:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-11 04:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-10 09:46 am (UTC)"As the war raged on, the President of the United States, Ms. Sephiria Markheim, had to make a tough decision. She received a message from the allied nations France and the United Kingdom to once again help them win the war. Italy had already fallen, Germany and Spain were falling fast, "
I know there were far funnier things to mention, but...WTF? Apparently European countries are now so weak they need big, bad America to protect them? Charming. XD *suddenly feels weak*
no subject
Date: 2009-12-10 12:33 pm (UTC)Of course, in this story I'm pretty sure your country doesn't exist and we save you guys by declaring war on Venezuela and NORTH FUCKING KOREA BITCHES, but details.
no subject
Date: 2009-12-10 02:12 pm (UTC)Aaah, yes. So, would this person be one of those people who refuse to believe Vietnam ever happened? Because I can see him being one. "OMG, it never happened! CONSPIRACY THEORY!"
True. We're too small to matter and our names aren't pretty. Even though we're politically important and whatnot. The Dutch never exist in stories like this. XD (Or people think we're really German/Danish.)
Lmao, North Korea.
no subject
Date: 2009-12-10 02:20 pm (UTC)A war was fought in Vietnam.
America was involved.
Therefore, America won. QED.
no subject
Date: 2009-12-10 06:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-11 04:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-10 05:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-10 05:56 pm (UTC)Yeah, that was what I was going for. (But explained poorly. XD) I really can't count the times I've been mistaken for a German - Dutch/Deutsch - or a Danish person, or heard someone referring to a German or Danish person as being Dutch.
And no, we don't live in windmills and wear clogs. Most windmills these days are monuments, saved because they're of historical importance, and only a select group of farmers still wear clogs.
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Date: 2009-12-10 06:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-10 08:48 pm (UTC)Hehe, I wore clogs when I was younger, haven't really seen them for years thoug, kind of a shame really, they are kinda comfortable.
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Date: 2009-12-10 10:27 pm (UTC)At least there aren't TV shows perpetuating your stereotype. Why is it that it's not okay to make fun of anyone at all ever, but Italian-Americans are fair game?no subject
Date: 2009-12-11 12:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-10 02:56 pm (UTC)Normally I'd argue that South Korea and Japan have damn good reason to care about North Korea because they have nukes and keep lobbing missiles at them every couple years just to show they can. Unfortunately, this story already mentioned no nukes are launched, which is a) unlikely, b) means NK has nothing going for it.
Just so we're clear, that means that China is in trouble for war crimes and Japan's "defense force" was made up of angels? Because that is hilarious.
Nuremberg Trials. Tokyo Tribunal. I don't know the former as well, but back when the latter were going on, it was illegal to hint in public as a Japanese person that maybe this was victor's justice and the Americans weren't perfectly squeaky clean themselves. One of my textbooks about that era has a couple chapters on that.
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Date: 2009-12-10 05:25 pm (UTC)...Actually, though, if you want a WW3 started, by a misunderstanding, they're totally your guys.
North Korea: Japan is making fun of us again! Let's chunk a missile into the sea to show them how badass OH FUCK FUCKING TARGETING SYSTEM WE FUCKING HIT THEM OH FUCK.
Japan: YOU DROPPED A FUCKING NUKE ON US WE WILL SKULLFUCK YOUR CORPSE.
The rest of Asian: OH MY FUCKING GOD JAPAN IS FUCKING INVADING AGAIN KILL THEM.
South Korea: North Korea just made a mistake! They are like a retarded nuclear puppy, you can't blame them and anyway it was only one nuke (haha, burn you bastards).
America: Guys, Japan was fucking nuked! They're in the right here.
Rest of Asia: FUCK YOU IF YOU DIDN'T WANT US NUKING JAPAN YOU SHOULD HAVE NUKED THEM BETTER THE FIRST TIME.
America: Europe, people are being mean to Japan gimme troops.
Europe: Okay, but just a few - OH MY FUCKING GOD I DIDN'T KNOW CHINA HAD THAT MANY BOMBS FUCK FUCK FUCK.
Middle East: OH MY FUCKING GOD THE WEST IS GOING IMPERIAL STRIKE NOW BEFORE WE'RE ALL COLONIES AGAIN.
(Alternatively: QUICK, LET'S KILL ISRAEL WHILE THEY'RE DISTRACTED!
Israel: NO, LET'S FUCKING KILL YOU WHILE THEY'RE DISTRACTED!)
Russia: FUCK YEAH YOU ARE MY COLONY AND YOU ARE MY COLONY AND YOU AND YOU.
China: FUCK YEAH RUSSIA YOU ARE MY COLONY BITCH.
America: Okay, fuck you all.
And I still don't know how to get Africa or Australia or South America in. Basically, you'd have to say countries were already just looking for an excuse to grab more land because of some sort of major stress, so that once a bunch of them got tied up in the first war, the rest started smaller wars of opportunity.
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Date: 2009-12-10 06:18 pm (UTC)If Hetalia were written like this, I would be all over that.
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Date: 2009-12-10 09:59 pm (UTC)While actual Hetalia is just so mindscrewy. It's all "Haha, Italy's all useless. They surrender again! Oh, those Japanese and their willingness to use stereotypes. Wait...Japanese...surrender...war crimes OH MY GOD NOT FUNNY."
And then you end up with the weird sense the whole comic is like this stealth attempt to politely explain to Italy that they really should have just gutted themselves on a bayonet so they wouldn't have been slowing Japan down and Japan could have won the war with Germany and it's like what the hell?
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Date: 2009-12-10 08:53 pm (UTC)Totally made my day.
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Date: 2009-12-10 09:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-11 01:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-11 01:32 am (UTC)Plus, as soon as things went south you'd figure Australia would just say fuck it and stop (I mean, it's not like they're fighting to get more land or anything), and no one would really want to send bombers that far let along try to land troops. While America would be all NEVER SURRENDER and keep sending guys over forever even if no one bothered to send bombers over to us.
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Date: 2009-12-11 05:11 am (UTC)You'd think so, but we have a tendency to be dragged along in America's wake no matter how fucked up things are getting. :/ It's like, America's the big brother and Australia's the idolising little brother which will go along with whatever America says no matter how stupid it gets.
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Date: 2009-12-11 12:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-11 12:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-10 05:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-10 06:08 pm (UTC)And yeah, the pokemon don't even seem to be affecting the present, unless we're explaining how NORTH KOREA THE UNSTOPPABLE can actually hold people off with the idea they've got strong pokemon.
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Date: 2009-12-11 03:51 am (UTC)also what the fuck the titular pun does not even make sense
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Date: 2009-12-11 04:04 am (UTC)