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Dec. 10th, 2009 11:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlaSo I hit 51,532 words yesterday. This'll bring us up to exactly 57,532. So huh.
Anyway, the reasonably decent stuff continues. Well, that, and I'm also not reviewing stuff that's really awful or I've reviewed the author already or whatnot. Also there were a couple reposted stories.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5567829/1/Shadow_of_Amys_First_Adventure
"“Mom, why are you cleaning out the spare bedroom”?
“Is Uncle Brock coming to stay with us for a while?” Amy asked"
Punctuation should never be put outside of quotation marks, and if someone's talking, you don't start a new paragraph at every new line.
"She looked a lot like her mother Angie, her hair was turquoise like her mother's, but Amy wore her hair in a long straight style, with a silver hair bandana, given to her by her “aunt” May on her 5th birthday. She wore a pair of white pants, white sneakers, a green blouse, and a heart-shaped silver necklace given to her by Cynthia, the Sinnoh Champion, when she was 2 days old. On top of her pants she wore a short, blue skirt and a turquoise Poké Ball belt, in which she only carried her Eevee’s Poké Ball, which she rarely called Eevee back into. Her eyes looked like her father's. "
Don't list every detail of your character's appearance all at once, let alone in the opening of your story.
Write out numbers with letters.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
"your God-mother May"
Just "godmother".
"professor Oak "
Professor.
"“First of all Amy, Shadow technically isn’t your cousin,” replied Angie who was tired of explaining again to Amy that she can call her God-parents by their names and not by aunt and uncle. "
a) Once it's been explained once, I really don't see a kid continuing to make the mistake when no one else is referring to them like that.
b)Aunt/Uncle is a pretty normal way of referring to godparents/friends of the family, as is cousin for their kids. This is one small step less weird than throwing a fit about how the woman's only your sister-*in-law* and how the only ones that count as nieces/nephews are the ones your own sister produced and what do you mean we have to invite them over for Thanksgiving? Honey I married you not your family.
I mean, I'm sure there are people who aren't on good terms with various family branches, but if they're so uptight about who's "really" family then what were they thinking making people godparents in the first place?
"Shadow was born two weeks before you were and May wasn’t made your God-mother until your 5th birthday when we went to visit Professor Oak to take all your father's Pokémon into our care. "
Uh, "he's slightly older than you" is not a good answer to "why has no one mentioned him before?" More of a non sequitur, really. Also, godparents are generally designated at birth. Strictly speaking they're supposed to be there for the baptism, but they're largely treated as sort of backup parents.
Oh, and "Shadow" is a terrible name that doesn't fit in at all with a world populated by Angies and Amys.
"Drew didn’t want his son to know his parents traveled at such a young age "
At what young age? Ten? Because traveling around at eleven is such a huge and enormous difference. I mean, ten year olds, we all know they're utterly incompetent, not like eleven year olds who are mature and competent in every way.
...eevee and shinx. Okay, so they're breeders so at least this isn't all canon-rapey, but come on, after the millionth time it's just so horribly bland. I'm sure there's some more interesting rare pokemon they could have hanging around.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, not mom. It's only in constructions like my/her/the mom that it's written as such.
"I hope he is alright and he didn't encounter something really dangerous with only Pikachu with him."
Because only having his strongest pokemon that can fry ground-types and has been able to singlehandedly defeat virtually every challenge he faced during his years of travel? He'll be doomed at the first random encounter. DOOMED I TELL YOU.
"There is only one Pokémon I know of, that can dig a hole like this and that’s most likely a Steelix"
"...Not an onix, of course, the very idea is ludicrous. Or an aggron. Or one of the numerous other pokemon that are both large and capable of digging holes. Nope, it's a steelix. It's the only possibility."
Okay, look, I know that there can be issues with writing description and moves, but don't say it roared, and that this means it's using screech. Just say it was screeching.
"Pikachu, get out of here and get the others while I try to keep him busy!"
"...Because clearly you are totally useless in an actual fight, and even I, a puny human, have a better chance."
"A brown haired boy on a Charizard came swooping down from the sky, and had his Charizard use Fire Blast on the screeching Steelix. The steel type Pokémon stopped immediately and turned towards the boy that appeared, getting ready to fire a Hyper Beam at the intruders. But before the Steelix could even finish charging it, the Charizard fired an Overheat, which hit the Steelix head on, causing it to crash down on the ground, with a final load roar coming out of its mouth as it fainted from the powerful Overheat. The boy and the Charizard landed on the ground and ran towards Ash and Pikachu to help them up."
Because just in case readers didn't figure it out from the name, you want to make sure they understand he's a sue.
...If the kid doesn't even recognize you, you're a sucky godparent.
"You are much better at taking care of the Pokémon here, and I can handle dad's Pokémon well enough to take care of any danger out there"
Because all women other than the main character suck. Dads, now, they can accomplish things, but moms? The pokemon won't even listen to them.
"I think you're still a little too young for this"
She's eleven. She's a whole year older than the standard trainer going off with a L5 starter, armed with Ash's high level pokemon. But hey, why let reason enter into it.
NEVER WRITE DIALOGUE AND THOUGHTS THE SAME WAY. EVER.
"Any and all spelling errors, capital errors, punctuation errors, and other errors are either out of my control and can’t be helped, or have been overlooked. "
How exactly can a spelling error be "out of your control"?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5567902/1/Winter_Dreams
...no, actually, if you're running around barefoot in snow it is actually pretty fucking cold. Like "I hope you didn't need your toes for anything" cold. Definitely "there's no way you're climbing a tree or anything else that requires functioning hands and feet" cold. You can run around in pajamas for a short bit, but shoes are not optional.
Also meh, decidedly generic. On the brighter side all the dialogue looks like it was punctuated correctly and the writing is clear and understandable.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5567933/1/Explorers_of_a_Paralyzed_Future
"Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. A baby, being taught how to survive in the wild. You won’t believe it."
...because children are incapable of learning...?
Unless you mean like an infant, which, yeah, they're not even capable of deliberate actions at that age. But getting a two year old to stick berries in its mouth and run away from scary things isn't exactly challenging.
"I recognized those howls. They were from the same pokemon who had separated my real family and burnt down my home."
Yeah, basically, if the kid is starting off old enough to have functioning memory, they're basically two or older and well in the range of teachable. I mean, if berry eating was so hard, mice wouldn't be able to handle it.
Also, the idea that the same pokemon are involved is pretty contrived. It's bizarre they would both randomly burn down her house and randomly hate the pokemon who picked her up.
"So I did the same thing which saved my life when my real family was massacred.
I crawled into the bushes as the pokemon, who I now know are called Houndoom, ran into the clearing."
Because houndoom, the nocturnal dog things, are entirely sight based and don't bother tracking by smell whatsoever, so eluding them is a simple matter of hiding out of sight.
Also, you wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5568055/1/The_Life_of_the_Legendaries
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Writing the legendaries as sugar high teenagers in a lazy OOC crackfic is not only a terrible idea, but it's not even an original one.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5568187/1/Snowfall
"It took a long time for me to come up with a Christmas Special. Trashed sooooo many ideas. *facepalm* I'm not sure if it's good, um...try to enjoy it or something."
Contrary to what you may have been told, it is not actually a requirement to write a Christmas story just because it's around Christmas.
"Oh, and there will be minor spelling and grammar errors. Some were made on purpose became of a character's speech habits. Others were just made because of my carelessness or my ignorance. "
Why are people saying this? You're typing this on a computer and you're posting it through the internet, that means you can spellcheck. You don't have to know jack shit about spelling BECAUSE THE COMPUTER WILL DO IT FOR YOU.
"cresent"
"infront"
Seriously, fucking spellcheck will catch this. Don't apologize beforehand, _fucking use spellcheck_.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5568253/1/Mutation_Beginnings
"Most credit goes to him I just improve grammar and add idea’s "
So you're the one I'll be blaming, then. We'll start with the fact it's written "ideas", no apostrophe.
The polar regions shouldn't be capitalized. Team Galactic should.
"The research centre that to those who didn’t know, didn’t exist. "
Why, yes, if you don't know about something existing you don't know about something existing. I get the cliché you're trying to use here, but your actual sentence is just nonsense.
"Were considered playing god by some"
As is this.
"mutate something new, quick visit to the decontamination chamber, clock out at five. It was strange how something so horrific could so easily become routine."
Uh, mutating stuff is hardly that big a deal. Do you have any idea the kind of things normal labs do?
"A psychiatrist might remark on how the adaptability of the human mind means that morals change on a whim when survival was involved, to John it just made cashing his pay check so much easier. "
No, seriously, do you have any idea the kind of shit scientists routinely fright for the money to do? Stop bitching about how playing god is inherently evil and actually try to show your work here. Radiation =/= OMG WORST THING EVER.
"something exiting"
Exciting. Seriously, if you have this tenuous a grasp of grammar, find someone to proofread.
"professor john Rogers"
Capital letters.
"the walk ways"
Walkways.
Sick of pointing out your grammar errors. So you have plenty more and should really proofread better.
"in time to see each of the cells go offline one by one. As he saw the shambling mutated figures crawl out"
Okay, for one thing, being a scientist and being a total moron are generally two mutually exclusive things. Therefore, the idea anyone would build cages that require continual power instead of using, say, bars or glass like everyone ever has used, is pretty ridiculous and contrived.
For another, if these things are shambling and crawling they're pretty harmless.
"This could kill them all."
Because rats, rats are no big deal, but rats with CANCER can slaughter a research base within two minutes.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
...mutations do not work that way.
Okay, look, quick biology lesson.
To mutate is to cause a random change somewhere in the DNA. These are sometimes interesting and almost always either harmless or negative to the individual. Before we could directly mess with DNA, mutations were the only way of inducing new variety in a species. They generally just involve turning off a gene, so, say, you end up with white grapefruit.
If you want something to have new abilities, you want DNA splicing. That's where you take existing chunks of DNA and plug it in. This is the only way to get a complex structure like, say, a tentacle. Tentacles are not produced by a random mutation. They are the product of millions of years of evolution selecting through billions upon billions of mutations to construct.
If you're splicing DNA, you can make hyperintelligent giant rats with tentacles and acid spit and infrared vision.
If you're mutating DNA, you can make blind albino rats that get cancer faster.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5568278/1/Starter_Disasters
Don't use " for thoughts, it makes it read like it's being spoken. You really shouldn't need any way of distinguishing them, and if you do italics alone is fine.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Eh, this is basically the same as saying "What if pokemon attacks actually were deadly? Ash'd be dead, LOL" which is not really a new thought. You're just recapping events everyone's familiar with with a spot of lampshade hanging and gratuitous avoidance of the word said.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5568296/1/Rachaels_Sinnoh_Adventure
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", and almost seven hundred with "adventure".
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
"Placed quietly before the television in her bedroom, a lanky young girl of no more than thirteen years of age kept her legs crisscrossed as she leant in closely to the screen, straining her pierced ears to hear the low volume of the news program she’d been watching for the past hour or so."
What?
You aren't getting bonus points for stuffing as many ideas into a single sentence as you can.
...green hair, really?
Look, there are certain things that work okay in a visual media like anime and not at all in text. This is one of them.
"She was also your typical teenaged girl in many ways--she painted her nails and wore lip gloss and loved the color pink."
Wouldn't a lot of this clash horribly with her green hair?
"Rachael surmised aloud to herself"
...just use said.
"Truth was, Rachael was always hungry. Being as thin as a bean pole made this fact a hard thing to guess but it was absolutely true. She could out-eat most of the boys she knew and never gain a pound. "
The degree to which this does not matter cannot be overstated.
"Taking the blue scrunchie from her wrist (for she’d been wearing it about for the past few days as a bracelet) she twisted her hair up into a haphazard bun at the back of her head, before leaving her room to head on downstairs. It was going to be a nice, sunny Friday summer morning. Rachael had a few things planned, such as taking a walk with her cousin"
You're telling a story. That means you're supposed to say things that are in some way interesting.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
"It’d be different if you had a Pokemon on you, but you don’t, so… "
She's thirteen, so this only ends up begging the question of why she doesn't.
"With a sigh, the teen’s mother resumed her cooking, grumbling under her breath a few words, two of which that sound suspiciously like ‘constant’ and ‘appetite’. "
Uh, the reason people get bitchy about eating when they're cooking is because they don't like it when you eat food instead of what they're cooking. No one has an issue with people who are hungry but will still be hungry when the cooked food is ready.
"back pocket of her Capri jeans"
Kudos, I didn't think there could be a detail less necessary than the fact she can eat a lot without getting fat.
"Hyacinthya Myrick"
That is a horrible name.
In conclusion, this is a boring standard OT fic where, in standard boring OT fic tradition, nothing at all interesting happens to justify the chapter's existence.
(Another block! I don't know if I ran into them ages ago or what, but they do seem a bit familiar.)
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5568310/1/the_gathering
Capitalize your title properly.
Capitalize "I" properly.
Write out numbers with letters.
"secondly children have to go to school till they are 15 and have passed an exam before they are allowed to own a pokemon. "
No. Do not make arbitrary changes because you want your sue to be a teen. You want a fifteen year old trainer, start with an established trainer.
"The night before had been roaring with a storm, rain had fell heavy all night long but you wouldn’t have guessed that while looking at the weather now."
Go pick up a bunch of books. Look at the first sentences.
You'll notice they tend to break into a couple distinct groups.
One type starts with some sort of action taking place, so that you'll want to read more to find out what happens.
Another will start with the narration saying something odd and intriguing, so that you'll want to read more and see what they're talking about.
A third will start by describing something odd about the setting, so you'll want to read more to figure out what's up with that setting.
They do not, as a rule, start without any action, in plain language, describing a perfectly ordinary setup. They definitely do not go on to say that this thing which was not too interesting is not even still relevant to the story and the setting is currently even more boring than that.
For example, here, a good starting point would have been the eggs. You could start with her doing something, and with a setting that people aren't utterly familiar with (a room full of pokemon eggs) which you could then take the time to describe. Currently you spend a great deal of time establishing everything is boring and normal, then give the bare minimum of detail to flesh out the pokemon egg room.
Also, you've got a ton of grammar errors. At least you aren't capitalizing pokemon, and oddly seem to be punctuating dialogue properly.
"x – ball is the new and improved version of the pokemon, it has a better rate of catching and also allows the trainer to carry an extra two balls or pokemon "
No. It is entirely possible for someone to just hold a few extra balls, that they don't is obviously convention and therefore does not need a poorly explained technological innovation to change.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5568387/1/The_Heaven_Key
Your "first chapter" is supposed to be the "first" of your "chapters" and therefore should not be a three-line summary of your fic.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5568457/1/Team_Rocket
"Their hats cast shadows over their eyes, obstructing my view of there faces"
...I don't even know how you could make this mistake. You use "their" twice, and then suddenly it's "there".
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Look, if they're demanding he hand over his pokemon, then they probably want his pokemon, then they probably don't want to be killing half of them in the process of getting them.
"I tackled the Arbok, and was promptly throw into a nearby tree. My vision flicked and dimmed as I saw the terrifying preying mantis Pokémon approach, staring like a rabid creature hungering for a slab of meat. "
What scyther? You've only mentioned one pokemon so far. Also, really, pay attention to your description, don't just pile in a couple cliches and hope they work out. Rabid animals aren't hungry, they're violently insane. Rabid the adjective just means appearing violently insane and desiring to maul you.
"I tryed to attack one of the black uniformed men, but a Machamp drgged me back and threw me into a wall. "
SPELLING IS IMPORTANT.
...and now they're making the pokemon fight each other for no real reason...
...except when they send out injured pokemon just to die because that's productive...
...and now a newly evolved nidorino has just singlehandedly killed everyone because nidorino are unbeatable or something.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5568544/1/Fossils
Look, the basic setup of your story - trainer thinks he's found a cool pokemon fossil, actually it's a magikarp, actually actually it's a super magikarp from the past - is entirely decent. Your execution is awful, and seems to be trying to dip into parody/stuff that isn't actually funny but is set up like a joke, as if by acting like you're not taking it seriously you'll be immune to anyone disliking the story.
Just commit to what you're writing instead of undercutting it.
Also, dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5569096/1/Sweet_Memories
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
"For a while now he was thinking that maybe he and Gez, when they were older, could maybe…start a family together. But Lucario knew that she would have to be a Lucario to breed pure blood Riolus. It then came to him that Gez had turned into a Pokemon before…so maybe he could change her into a Riolu or a Lucario and then they would truly be together. "
...and is he going to ask her her opinion on this at any point?
Wow dialogue it just keeps going.
Okay, so mostly you're punctuating it right, except that you're writing it as "Hi," he said "I think this is it." And you need punctuation in there. If you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "I think this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. I think," he said, "this is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5569359/1/Charred_Calling
Huh, a decent opening starting at some point other than someone waking up. Things look good already.
"Jai wiped her forehead and the hood she was wearing fell down and Jai was quick to replace it. "
You don't want too many "ands" in your sentences. "Jai wiped her forehead, only for the hood she was wearing to fall down. She quickly replaced it."
"A cloak was horribly stereotypical for a shady character, but it was what did the job "
Look, the only times cloaks are what the shady characters are wearing is in existing stereotypical settings, and only genre savvy characters in those poorly constructed settings would actually be noticing any causal link. In a normal world, people wear things like hoodies all the time, therefore they don't automatically mean people are shady characters, therefore if she's in a setting where hood doesn't automatically mean shady character, people shouldn't assume it does and she shouldn't need to explain it.
Also, what's really horribly is a cloak instead of a jacket. People tend not to wear those at all, unless this is set in the past in which case absolutely everyone wears a cloak and the comment about being stereotypical is even more bizarre.
"Its shadow was cast in just the right direction so that her face was obstructed. Anyone who saw her would assume that it was just the way the light and shadows played with her face; they wouldn’t realize that those were scars. "
Also, instead of it being a super designed cloak with perfectly designed shadows, one could just point out that it's harder to see in dim light and therefore anything shading her face at all would reduce the chance anyone could make out scars. Especially with the fact the direction the shadows are cast in is going to have a lot more to do with the location of the local light source.
"This was a necessary action, she told herself over and over again. Then, that Maple would have given them to her if she had just asked "
Okay, so, the thing is it's not clear at all if she's meant to be a reliable narrator here. If she's deluding herself, you need to explain because Maple's only characterization so far is "nice". While if she's telling the truth then it's just emo bizarreness, because in that case she should have just asked.
Furthermore, if she's so upset about stealing pokeballs, why didn't she only take one?
"Seven days, and she still hadn’t found a pokemon she thought suitable to join her party. Jai was a picky trainer. "
...considering that it's supposed to be really dangerous to travel around without a pokemon, as well as really hard to catch a pokemon without a pokemon, the idea that she's being picky about it is absurd.
...poison types aren't that rare, especially considering how many grass pokemon share the type.
"That had been a close one. Of course, she could have just told the boy that she had no pokemon with her. But Jai was not the type to back down from a challenge. Even one from a kid. "
So Jai is just an asshole, basically.
"Now she just kept them around as part of her disguise. They made her less intimidating but more importantly, less recognizable to the people of her past. "
Okay, so instead of saying she doesn't have a pokemon, she shows off her highly distinctive scars and claims to be awesome so the boy will probably run off and tell everyone, which is totally okay because otherwise she's be "backing down". But she's also totally okay with pretending not to be able to walk and pretending to be totally not intimidating. Also, her apparent inability to walk will totally disguise her even if she's showing off her highly distinctive scars. Also also, her super disguise is using her old crutches, because no one will be looking for a girl who used to have problems walking having problems walking.
Also also also, you wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
...so she's worried about it waking up and attacking her. Therefore instead of grabbing a rock or stick or something and clubbing it over the head, she tries to fish its bone loose so she can smack it with that. Because nothing could possibly go wrong with that plan.
...and somehow the fact the cubone is skittish seems relevant, despite the fact she just caught it and it's still basically a wild pokemon and they should see pokemon that aren't familiar with people yet all the time. I guess maybe you're trying to indicate her beating it over the head was a big deal, only why exactly would that be a big deal in a way attacking it with a pokemon isn't?
"Soon enough, she would get a job. Or better yet, she would train Cubone so that she could make money as a trainer. "
...if she's just planning to get a job, why even bother with pokemon and stolen pokeballs in the first place?
"She wanted to thank Maple for her kindness, for saving her after the fire, for feeding her, making sure that she was well. But there was no way to put that into words. So, instead, Jai had taken three pokeballs and enough money to sustain her until she caught something. She shook her head, knowing that she had fulfilled Charles’ words. She was a monster. "
I'm not sure here if you're trying to really say that this is a huge deal worthy of deep reproach, or if you're trying to show how awesome Jai really is by having her be all whiny about it. Also, again, if she's so torn up by the idea of stealing pokeballs, then she shouldn't have taken three. And if she's so torn up by the idea of stealing money, then she could have just taken enough to get to another town and get a job there, while right now she's blowing it on stuff for the pokemon, when it's not even clear why she bothered to get one.
"There had been a time when Jai had found it easy to connect with pokemon. When she was a child, she was natural with them. Most children were. There was a connection that only a child could feel with another being. And somehow, Jai had lost her child-like demeanor."
...alternatively, it's hard to connect to a timid pokemon that you've just beaten up and probably can't understand you? You really seem to keep trying very hard to sell Jai's whole woe-is-me thing here. Also, it seems the more reasonable thing would just be to go find another pokemon and try to catch that.
So basically, the overall writing of this is okay, I think the concept has promise, but due to a combination of not making sense and what seems like the narrative trying to sell Jai way too strongly, she's coming off as a sue. Not an overpowered one, an annoying one you're being told to think is awesome and also has secret inner pain, and also is spunky when she's not being all secret-inner-pain-y. And while I get that you're trying to keep the events shrouded in mystery, that's a good device to use to make us think of it one way when it's actually going to turn out to be another, it doesn't work so great when you create these vast empty spaces of interpretation where I just can't tell whether or not the narration's trying to praise or condemn her. There was a fire. Possibly it's her fault, possibly it's not, possibly she's a serial killer, who knows? She's emo about stealing pokemon. Someone didn't like her, someone did. For some reason she's really worried about being found. She may be banned from being a trainer or she may have just randomly decided that she had to steal pokeballs and money because communicating with others is for wimps. She gets aggressive because seeing a crying cubone makes her think of fire, which is maybe a big deal for some reason. There's really no context for any of these things.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5569359/2/Charred_Calling
And yeah, really rushed, especially for introducing a third player. I mean, if dealing with Team Aqua/Magma fighting was simply a matter of saying they're both dicks and need to be taken out, you'd think people opposing them wouldn't be hiding out. Especially if the groups regularly do stuff like destroying towns, as they'd then have plenty of people supporting them. That's true even if they're secretly evil too, since people seem fine with joining Aqua/Magma based on the fact Magma/Aqua did something bad to them, so secretly evil would be a pretty big step up.
The whole Magma interaction seemed weird as well. It's unclear why they wouldn't just accept her in a world where kids can train pokemon just fine and they could always use more cannon fodder, and even more unclear why they'd reject her as some sort of potential problem and just send her on her way. If she's a danger, either try to take control of her or remove her entirely.
The writing of this is honestly pretty good, though. The plotline just seems really choppy.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5569444/1/Pokemon_Rescue_Team_Guardians
This is far too short for a chapter. Also, your grammar is bad verging on unreadable in places. Proofread better.
Next up: A bulk post of some of the replies I've been getting.
Anyway, the reasonably decent stuff continues. Well, that, and I'm also not reviewing stuff that's really awful or I've reviewed the author already or whatnot. Also there were a couple reposted stories.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5567829/1/Shadow_of_Amys_First_Adventure
"“Mom, why are you cleaning out the spare bedroom”?
“Is Uncle Brock coming to stay with us for a while?” Amy asked"
Punctuation should never be put outside of quotation marks, and if someone's talking, you don't start a new paragraph at every new line.
"She looked a lot like her mother Angie, her hair was turquoise like her mother's, but Amy wore her hair in a long straight style, with a silver hair bandana, given to her by her “aunt” May on her 5th birthday. She wore a pair of white pants, white sneakers, a green blouse, and a heart-shaped silver necklace given to her by Cynthia, the Sinnoh Champion, when she was 2 days old. On top of her pants she wore a short, blue skirt and a turquoise Poké Ball belt, in which she only carried her Eevee’s Poké Ball, which she rarely called Eevee back into. Her eyes looked like her father's. "
Don't list every detail of your character's appearance all at once, let alone in the opening of your story.
Write out numbers with letters.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
"your God-mother May"
Just "godmother".
"professor Oak "
Professor.
"“First of all Amy, Shadow technically isn’t your cousin,” replied Angie who was tired of explaining again to Amy that she can call her God-parents by their names and not by aunt and uncle. "
a) Once it's been explained once, I really don't see a kid continuing to make the mistake when no one else is referring to them like that.
b)Aunt/Uncle is a pretty normal way of referring to godparents/friends of the family, as is cousin for their kids. This is one small step less weird than throwing a fit about how the woman's only your sister-*in-law* and how the only ones that count as nieces/nephews are the ones your own sister produced and what do you mean we have to invite them over for Thanksgiving? Honey I married you not your family.
I mean, I'm sure there are people who aren't on good terms with various family branches, but if they're so uptight about who's "really" family then what were they thinking making people godparents in the first place?
"Shadow was born two weeks before you were and May wasn’t made your God-mother until your 5th birthday when we went to visit Professor Oak to take all your father's Pokémon into our care. "
Uh, "he's slightly older than you" is not a good answer to "why has no one mentioned him before?" More of a non sequitur, really. Also, godparents are generally designated at birth. Strictly speaking they're supposed to be there for the baptism, but they're largely treated as sort of backup parents.
Oh, and "Shadow" is a terrible name that doesn't fit in at all with a world populated by Angies and Amys.
"Drew didn’t want his son to know his parents traveled at such a young age "
At what young age? Ten? Because traveling around at eleven is such a huge and enormous difference. I mean, ten year olds, we all know they're utterly incompetent, not like eleven year olds who are mature and competent in every way.
...eevee and shinx. Okay, so they're breeders so at least this isn't all canon-rapey, but come on, after the millionth time it's just so horribly bland. I'm sure there's some more interesting rare pokemon they could have hanging around.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, not mom. It's only in constructions like my/her/the mom that it's written as such.
"I hope he is alright and he didn't encounter something really dangerous with only Pikachu with him."
Because only having his strongest pokemon that can fry ground-types and has been able to singlehandedly defeat virtually every challenge he faced during his years of travel? He'll be doomed at the first random encounter. DOOMED I TELL YOU.
"There is only one Pokémon I know of, that can dig a hole like this and that’s most likely a Steelix"
"...Not an onix, of course, the very idea is ludicrous. Or an aggron. Or one of the numerous other pokemon that are both large and capable of digging holes. Nope, it's a steelix. It's the only possibility."
Okay, look, I know that there can be issues with writing description and moves, but don't say it roared, and that this means it's using screech. Just say it was screeching.
"Pikachu, get out of here and get the others while I try to keep him busy!"
"...Because clearly you are totally useless in an actual fight, and even I, a puny human, have a better chance."
"A brown haired boy on a Charizard came swooping down from the sky, and had his Charizard use Fire Blast on the screeching Steelix. The steel type Pokémon stopped immediately and turned towards the boy that appeared, getting ready to fire a Hyper Beam at the intruders. But before the Steelix could even finish charging it, the Charizard fired an Overheat, which hit the Steelix head on, causing it to crash down on the ground, with a final load roar coming out of its mouth as it fainted from the powerful Overheat. The boy and the Charizard landed on the ground and ran towards Ash and Pikachu to help them up."
Because just in case readers didn't figure it out from the name, you want to make sure they understand he's a sue.
...If the kid doesn't even recognize you, you're a sucky godparent.
"You are much better at taking care of the Pokémon here, and I can handle dad's Pokémon well enough to take care of any danger out there"
Because all women other than the main character suck. Dads, now, they can accomplish things, but moms? The pokemon won't even listen to them.
"I think you're still a little too young for this"
She's eleven. She's a whole year older than the standard trainer going off with a L5 starter, armed with Ash's high level pokemon. But hey, why let reason enter into it.
NEVER WRITE DIALOGUE AND THOUGHTS THE SAME WAY. EVER.
"Any and all spelling errors, capital errors, punctuation errors, and other errors are either out of my control and can’t be helped, or have been overlooked. "
How exactly can a spelling error be "out of your control"?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5567902/1/Winter_Dreams
...no, actually, if you're running around barefoot in snow it is actually pretty fucking cold. Like "I hope you didn't need your toes for anything" cold. Definitely "there's no way you're climbing a tree or anything else that requires functioning hands and feet" cold. You can run around in pajamas for a short bit, but shoes are not optional.
Also meh, decidedly generic. On the brighter side all the dialogue looks like it was punctuated correctly and the writing is clear and understandable.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5567933/1/Explorers_of_a_Paralyzed_Future
"Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. A baby, being taught how to survive in the wild. You won’t believe it."
...because children are incapable of learning...?
Unless you mean like an infant, which, yeah, they're not even capable of deliberate actions at that age. But getting a two year old to stick berries in its mouth and run away from scary things isn't exactly challenging.
"I recognized those howls. They were from the same pokemon who had separated my real family and burnt down my home."
Yeah, basically, if the kid is starting off old enough to have functioning memory, they're basically two or older and well in the range of teachable. I mean, if berry eating was so hard, mice wouldn't be able to handle it.
Also, the idea that the same pokemon are involved is pretty contrived. It's bizarre they would both randomly burn down her house and randomly hate the pokemon who picked her up.
"So I did the same thing which saved my life when my real family was massacred.
I crawled into the bushes as the pokemon, who I now know are called Houndoom, ran into the clearing."
Because houndoom, the nocturnal dog things, are entirely sight based and don't bother tracking by smell whatsoever, so eluding them is a simple matter of hiding out of sight.
Also, you wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5568055/1/The_Life_of_the_Legendaries
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Writing the legendaries as sugar high teenagers in a lazy OOC crackfic is not only a terrible idea, but it's not even an original one.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5568187/1/Snowfall
"It took a long time for me to come up with a Christmas Special. Trashed sooooo many ideas. *facepalm* I'm not sure if it's good, um...try to enjoy it or something."
Contrary to what you may have been told, it is not actually a requirement to write a Christmas story just because it's around Christmas.
"Oh, and there will be minor spelling and grammar errors. Some were made on purpose became of a character's speech habits. Others were just made because of my carelessness or my ignorance. "
Why are people saying this? You're typing this on a computer and you're posting it through the internet, that means you can spellcheck. You don't have to know jack shit about spelling BECAUSE THE COMPUTER WILL DO IT FOR YOU.
"cresent"
"infront"
Seriously, fucking spellcheck will catch this. Don't apologize beforehand, _fucking use spellcheck_.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5568253/1/Mutation_Beginnings
"Most credit goes to him I just improve grammar and add idea’s "
So you're the one I'll be blaming, then. We'll start with the fact it's written "ideas", no apostrophe.
The polar regions shouldn't be capitalized. Team Galactic should.
"The research centre that to those who didn’t know, didn’t exist. "
Why, yes, if you don't know about something existing you don't know about something existing. I get the cliché you're trying to use here, but your actual sentence is just nonsense.
"Were considered playing god by some"
As is this.
"mutate something new, quick visit to the decontamination chamber, clock out at five. It was strange how something so horrific could so easily become routine."
Uh, mutating stuff is hardly that big a deal. Do you have any idea the kind of things normal labs do?
"A psychiatrist might remark on how the adaptability of the human mind means that morals change on a whim when survival was involved, to John it just made cashing his pay check so much easier. "
No, seriously, do you have any idea the kind of shit scientists routinely fright for the money to do? Stop bitching about how playing god is inherently evil and actually try to show your work here. Radiation =/= OMG WORST THING EVER.
"something exiting"
Exciting. Seriously, if you have this tenuous a grasp of grammar, find someone to proofread.
"professor john Rogers"
Capital letters.
"the walk ways"
Walkways.
Sick of pointing out your grammar errors. So you have plenty more and should really proofread better.
"in time to see each of the cells go offline one by one. As he saw the shambling mutated figures crawl out"
Okay, for one thing, being a scientist and being a total moron are generally two mutually exclusive things. Therefore, the idea anyone would build cages that require continual power instead of using, say, bars or glass like everyone ever has used, is pretty ridiculous and contrived.
For another, if these things are shambling and crawling they're pretty harmless.
"This could kill them all."
Because rats, rats are no big deal, but rats with CANCER can slaughter a research base within two minutes.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
...mutations do not work that way.
Okay, look, quick biology lesson.
To mutate is to cause a random change somewhere in the DNA. These are sometimes interesting and almost always either harmless or negative to the individual. Before we could directly mess with DNA, mutations were the only way of inducing new variety in a species. They generally just involve turning off a gene, so, say, you end up with white grapefruit.
If you want something to have new abilities, you want DNA splicing. That's where you take existing chunks of DNA and plug it in. This is the only way to get a complex structure like, say, a tentacle. Tentacles are not produced by a random mutation. They are the product of millions of years of evolution selecting through billions upon billions of mutations to construct.
If you're splicing DNA, you can make hyperintelligent giant rats with tentacles and acid spit and infrared vision.
If you're mutating DNA, you can make blind albino rats that get cancer faster.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5568278/1/Starter_Disasters
Don't use " for thoughts, it makes it read like it's being spoken. You really shouldn't need any way of distinguishing them, and if you do italics alone is fine.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Eh, this is basically the same as saying "What if pokemon attacks actually were deadly? Ash'd be dead, LOL" which is not really a new thought. You're just recapping events everyone's familiar with with a spot of lampshade hanging and gratuitous avoidance of the word said.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5568296/1/Rachaels_Sinnoh_Adventure
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", and almost seven hundred with "adventure".
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
"Placed quietly before the television in her bedroom, a lanky young girl of no more than thirteen years of age kept her legs crisscrossed as she leant in closely to the screen, straining her pierced ears to hear the low volume of the news program she’d been watching for the past hour or so."
What?
You aren't getting bonus points for stuffing as many ideas into a single sentence as you can.
...green hair, really?
Look, there are certain things that work okay in a visual media like anime and not at all in text. This is one of them.
"She was also your typical teenaged girl in many ways--she painted her nails and wore lip gloss and loved the color pink."
Wouldn't a lot of this clash horribly with her green hair?
"Rachael surmised aloud to herself"
...just use said.
"Truth was, Rachael was always hungry. Being as thin as a bean pole made this fact a hard thing to guess but it was absolutely true. She could out-eat most of the boys she knew and never gain a pound. "
The degree to which this does not matter cannot be overstated.
"Taking the blue scrunchie from her wrist (for she’d been wearing it about for the past few days as a bracelet) she twisted her hair up into a haphazard bun at the back of her head, before leaving her room to head on downstairs. It was going to be a nice, sunny Friday summer morning. Rachael had a few things planned, such as taking a walk with her cousin"
You're telling a story. That means you're supposed to say things that are in some way interesting.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
"It’d be different if you had a Pokemon on you, but you don’t, so… "
She's thirteen, so this only ends up begging the question of why she doesn't.
"With a sigh, the teen’s mother resumed her cooking, grumbling under her breath a few words, two of which that sound suspiciously like ‘constant’ and ‘appetite’. "
Uh, the reason people get bitchy about eating when they're cooking is because they don't like it when you eat food instead of what they're cooking. No one has an issue with people who are hungry but will still be hungry when the cooked food is ready.
"back pocket of her Capri jeans"
Kudos, I didn't think there could be a detail less necessary than the fact she can eat a lot without getting fat.
"Hyacinthya Myrick"
That is a horrible name.
In conclusion, this is a boring standard OT fic where, in standard boring OT fic tradition, nothing at all interesting happens to justify the chapter's existence.
(Another block! I don't know if I ran into them ages ago or what, but they do seem a bit familiar.)
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5568310/1/the_gathering
Capitalize your title properly.
Capitalize "I" properly.
Write out numbers with letters.
"secondly children have to go to school till they are 15 and have passed an exam before they are allowed to own a pokemon. "
No. Do not make arbitrary changes because you want your sue to be a teen. You want a fifteen year old trainer, start with an established trainer.
"The night before had been roaring with a storm, rain had fell heavy all night long but you wouldn’t have guessed that while looking at the weather now."
Go pick up a bunch of books. Look at the first sentences.
You'll notice they tend to break into a couple distinct groups.
One type starts with some sort of action taking place, so that you'll want to read more to find out what happens.
Another will start with the narration saying something odd and intriguing, so that you'll want to read more and see what they're talking about.
A third will start by describing something odd about the setting, so you'll want to read more to figure out what's up with that setting.
They do not, as a rule, start without any action, in plain language, describing a perfectly ordinary setup. They definitely do not go on to say that this thing which was not too interesting is not even still relevant to the story and the setting is currently even more boring than that.
For example, here, a good starting point would have been the eggs. You could start with her doing something, and with a setting that people aren't utterly familiar with (a room full of pokemon eggs) which you could then take the time to describe. Currently you spend a great deal of time establishing everything is boring and normal, then give the bare minimum of detail to flesh out the pokemon egg room.
Also, you've got a ton of grammar errors. At least you aren't capitalizing pokemon, and oddly seem to be punctuating dialogue properly.
"x – ball is the new and improved version of the pokemon, it has a better rate of catching and also allows the trainer to carry an extra two balls or pokemon "
No. It is entirely possible for someone to just hold a few extra balls, that they don't is obviously convention and therefore does not need a poorly explained technological innovation to change.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5568387/1/The_Heaven_Key
Your "first chapter" is supposed to be the "first" of your "chapters" and therefore should not be a three-line summary of your fic.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5568457/1/Team_Rocket
"Their hats cast shadows over their eyes, obstructing my view of there faces"
...I don't even know how you could make this mistake. You use "their" twice, and then suddenly it's "there".
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Look, if they're demanding he hand over his pokemon, then they probably want his pokemon, then they probably don't want to be killing half of them in the process of getting them.
"I tackled the Arbok, and was promptly throw into a nearby tree. My vision flicked and dimmed as I saw the terrifying preying mantis Pokémon approach, staring like a rabid creature hungering for a slab of meat. "
What scyther? You've only mentioned one pokemon so far. Also, really, pay attention to your description, don't just pile in a couple cliches and hope they work out. Rabid animals aren't hungry, they're violently insane. Rabid the adjective just means appearing violently insane and desiring to maul you.
"I tryed to attack one of the black uniformed men, but a Machamp drgged me back and threw me into a wall. "
SPELLING IS IMPORTANT.
...and now they're making the pokemon fight each other for no real reason...
...except when they send out injured pokemon just to die because that's productive...
...and now a newly evolved nidorino has just singlehandedly killed everyone because nidorino are unbeatable or something.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5568544/1/Fossils
Look, the basic setup of your story - trainer thinks he's found a cool pokemon fossil, actually it's a magikarp, actually actually it's a super magikarp from the past - is entirely decent. Your execution is awful, and seems to be trying to dip into parody/stuff that isn't actually funny but is set up like a joke, as if by acting like you're not taking it seriously you'll be immune to anyone disliking the story.
Just commit to what you're writing instead of undercutting it.
Also, dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5569096/1/Sweet_Memories
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
"For a while now he was thinking that maybe he and Gez, when they were older, could maybe…start a family together. But Lucario knew that she would have to be a Lucario to breed pure blood Riolus. It then came to him that Gez had turned into a Pokemon before…so maybe he could change her into a Riolu or a Lucario and then they would truly be together. "
...and is he going to ask her her opinion on this at any point?
Wow dialogue it just keeps going.
Okay, so mostly you're punctuating it right, except that you're writing it as "Hi," he said "I think this is it." And you need punctuation in there. If you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "I think this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. I think," he said, "this is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5569359/1/Charred_Calling
Huh, a decent opening starting at some point other than someone waking up. Things look good already.
"Jai wiped her forehead and the hood she was wearing fell down and Jai was quick to replace it. "
You don't want too many "ands" in your sentences. "Jai wiped her forehead, only for the hood she was wearing to fall down. She quickly replaced it."
"A cloak was horribly stereotypical for a shady character, but it was what did the job "
Look, the only times cloaks are what the shady characters are wearing is in existing stereotypical settings, and only genre savvy characters in those poorly constructed settings would actually be noticing any causal link. In a normal world, people wear things like hoodies all the time, therefore they don't automatically mean people are shady characters, therefore if she's in a setting where hood doesn't automatically mean shady character, people shouldn't assume it does and she shouldn't need to explain it.
Also, what's really horribly is a cloak instead of a jacket. People tend not to wear those at all, unless this is set in the past in which case absolutely everyone wears a cloak and the comment about being stereotypical is even more bizarre.
"Its shadow was cast in just the right direction so that her face was obstructed. Anyone who saw her would assume that it was just the way the light and shadows played with her face; they wouldn’t realize that those were scars. "
Also, instead of it being a super designed cloak with perfectly designed shadows, one could just point out that it's harder to see in dim light and therefore anything shading her face at all would reduce the chance anyone could make out scars. Especially with the fact the direction the shadows are cast in is going to have a lot more to do with the location of the local light source.
"This was a necessary action, she told herself over and over again. Then, that Maple would have given them to her if she had just asked "
Okay, so, the thing is it's not clear at all if she's meant to be a reliable narrator here. If she's deluding herself, you need to explain because Maple's only characterization so far is "nice". While if she's telling the truth then it's just emo bizarreness, because in that case she should have just asked.
Furthermore, if she's so upset about stealing pokeballs, why didn't she only take one?
"Seven days, and she still hadn’t found a pokemon she thought suitable to join her party. Jai was a picky trainer. "
...considering that it's supposed to be really dangerous to travel around without a pokemon, as well as really hard to catch a pokemon without a pokemon, the idea that she's being picky about it is absurd.
...poison types aren't that rare, especially considering how many grass pokemon share the type.
"That had been a close one. Of course, she could have just told the boy that she had no pokemon with her. But Jai was not the type to back down from a challenge. Even one from a kid. "
So Jai is just an asshole, basically.
"Now she just kept them around as part of her disguise. They made her less intimidating but more importantly, less recognizable to the people of her past. "
Okay, so instead of saying she doesn't have a pokemon, she shows off her highly distinctive scars and claims to be awesome so the boy will probably run off and tell everyone, which is totally okay because otherwise she's be "backing down". But she's also totally okay with pretending not to be able to walk and pretending to be totally not intimidating. Also, her apparent inability to walk will totally disguise her even if she's showing off her highly distinctive scars. Also also, her super disguise is using her old crutches, because no one will be looking for a girl who used to have problems walking having problems walking.
Also also also, you wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
...so she's worried about it waking up and attacking her. Therefore instead of grabbing a rock or stick or something and clubbing it over the head, she tries to fish its bone loose so she can smack it with that. Because nothing could possibly go wrong with that plan.
...and somehow the fact the cubone is skittish seems relevant, despite the fact she just caught it and it's still basically a wild pokemon and they should see pokemon that aren't familiar with people yet all the time. I guess maybe you're trying to indicate her beating it over the head was a big deal, only why exactly would that be a big deal in a way attacking it with a pokemon isn't?
"Soon enough, she would get a job. Or better yet, she would train Cubone so that she could make money as a trainer. "
...if she's just planning to get a job, why even bother with pokemon and stolen pokeballs in the first place?
"She wanted to thank Maple for her kindness, for saving her after the fire, for feeding her, making sure that she was well. But there was no way to put that into words. So, instead, Jai had taken three pokeballs and enough money to sustain her until she caught something. She shook her head, knowing that she had fulfilled Charles’ words. She was a monster. "
I'm not sure here if you're trying to really say that this is a huge deal worthy of deep reproach, or if you're trying to show how awesome Jai really is by having her be all whiny about it. Also, again, if she's so torn up by the idea of stealing pokeballs, then she shouldn't have taken three. And if she's so torn up by the idea of stealing money, then she could have just taken enough to get to another town and get a job there, while right now she's blowing it on stuff for the pokemon, when it's not even clear why she bothered to get one.
"There had been a time when Jai had found it easy to connect with pokemon. When she was a child, she was natural with them. Most children were. There was a connection that only a child could feel with another being. And somehow, Jai had lost her child-like demeanor."
...alternatively, it's hard to connect to a timid pokemon that you've just beaten up and probably can't understand you? You really seem to keep trying very hard to sell Jai's whole woe-is-me thing here. Also, it seems the more reasonable thing would just be to go find another pokemon and try to catch that.
So basically, the overall writing of this is okay, I think the concept has promise, but due to a combination of not making sense and what seems like the narrative trying to sell Jai way too strongly, she's coming off as a sue. Not an overpowered one, an annoying one you're being told to think is awesome and also has secret inner pain, and also is spunky when she's not being all secret-inner-pain-y. And while I get that you're trying to keep the events shrouded in mystery, that's a good device to use to make us think of it one way when it's actually going to turn out to be another, it doesn't work so great when you create these vast empty spaces of interpretation where I just can't tell whether or not the narration's trying to praise or condemn her. There was a fire. Possibly it's her fault, possibly it's not, possibly she's a serial killer, who knows? She's emo about stealing pokemon. Someone didn't like her, someone did. For some reason she's really worried about being found. She may be banned from being a trainer or she may have just randomly decided that she had to steal pokeballs and money because communicating with others is for wimps. She gets aggressive because seeing a crying cubone makes her think of fire, which is maybe a big deal for some reason. There's really no context for any of these things.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5569359/2/Charred_Calling
And yeah, really rushed, especially for introducing a third player. I mean, if dealing with Team Aqua/Magma fighting was simply a matter of saying they're both dicks and need to be taken out, you'd think people opposing them wouldn't be hiding out. Especially if the groups regularly do stuff like destroying towns, as they'd then have plenty of people supporting them. That's true even if they're secretly evil too, since people seem fine with joining Aqua/Magma based on the fact Magma/Aqua did something bad to them, so secretly evil would be a pretty big step up.
The whole Magma interaction seemed weird as well. It's unclear why they wouldn't just accept her in a world where kids can train pokemon just fine and they could always use more cannon fodder, and even more unclear why they'd reject her as some sort of potential problem and just send her on her way. If she's a danger, either try to take control of her or remove her entirely.
The writing of this is honestly pretty good, though. The plotline just seems really choppy.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5569444/1/Pokemon_Rescue_Team_Guardians
This is far too short for a chapter. Also, your grammar is bad verging on unreadable in places. Proofread better.
Next up: A bulk post of some of the replies I've been getting.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2009-12-11 09:42 am (UTC)I can't wait to see whether or not DaddyLongArms20 - of 'Complain About Farla' fame - sent you an angry review response. Should be hilarious.
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Date: 2009-12-11 03:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-11 03:52 pm (UTC)Oh, I think your reply was awesome.
Now, I doubt anyone could write a coherent reply to DaddyLongArms20, but then trying would probably only increase his/her crazy. I can't even read half of the crap
hesheit is spewing. Is it even English? O_Ono subject
Date: 2009-12-11 07:05 pm (UTC)Yeah, I can't even... yikes. I know, relatively, NJ has a pretty good school system, but I mean... we had this kind of stuff drilled into us. It was always important and never optional. DLA20 seems to hardly be able to form a coherent thought... I would have flunked sixth grade if I'd written like that. Not a joke.
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Date: 2009-12-11 03:09 pm (UTC)That's actually a really cool idea. What are the odds of it getting done capably?
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Date: 2009-12-11 05:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-11 11:12 pm (UTC)The odds of anything being done capably by the fandom at large can currently only be expressed using negative numbers, I'm afraid.