NaRe, Day Twenty - Two Thirds Done!
Dec. 20th, 2009 11:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/5590077/1/Pokemon_Ranger_Blace
"This is an intro story for an OC of mine. He was originally and is presently going to be featured in Johan07’s story, J’s Apprentice.
I don’t know much about him, but he interests me and I might be able to make a series involving him. So without further ado, let’s begin..."
Yeah, not a good sign. Stories should be about stuff, not just "so I have this OC I made up..."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Write out numbers with letters.
"A pair of black shoes and four white legs with black claws were crunching the dirt as they walked down the street. One was a Pokémon, quite rare to the Sevii Islands. An Absol, wandering its red eyes around to the right as it scanned the markets of food and other interesting looking objects. To the left of him was his 16 year old trainer and companion for several years. Over the black shoes was a pair of black pants, hanging around the ankles, with a white kimono covering the top of the person’s body and hanging over his thighs, revealing a part of his lightly tanned chest. Slinging on his left shoulder and hanging at his right hip was a dark red sling bag, filled with his day’s essentials. He had a black tied bandana with a special red oval symbol on the front, holding half of his long black hair down behind his back, and keeping the other half out of his eyes, framing the sides of his face. But his eyes were different from what you’d see every day. Only the black outline of his pupils could be seen, while there was no actual colour in his irises. "
Ow. This much description is never necessary in one place.
And we've got bonus Japanese culture-dropping because hey guys, did you know the show comes from Japan???? Ugh. He's just been introduced and already he's looking like a standard "badass" sue.
"Many would call him blind straight away. In fact, a few people in the stands and in his path looked at him questioningly and mumbled something to their friends , wondering how he was walking straight in the first place."
No, because most people do not stare intently at the eyes of everyone they see on the street, and eye color is not that noticeable, especially at distances of over a few feet. At best, they might notice his eyes look a bit off, but since he's obviously walking fine and is lacking things to indicate he's blind like a cane or a harness for that absol, they'll just assume his eyes are really light colored and move on with their lives, because seriously, he's not that special that everyone is going to wonder about every little thing he does.
If he's actually missing his eyes, this kind of thing would be understandable because that's extremely noticeable and seen at a reasonable distance. If his eyes are straight white without any iris at all, I could see people noticing because all white eyes are also distinctive and still noticeable at a moderate distance. Both of those also actually mean blindness, not kind of weird.
Continuing on the subject...
"while the boy continued browsing with his hollow eyes"
No, they're just regular ones without much color that seem to work perfectly normally. Look, the bigger a deal you make about his eyes, the less they're actually interesting. You've doing everything short of jumping up and down shouting I should care. White/clear irises? Okay. White/clear irises that EVERYONE MUST NOTICE AND CARE ABOUT? Not okay.
"realising that his young customer looked... blind."
Seriously.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
"Nothing to be alerted about"
I'm not entirely sure what word you meant here, but "alerted" wasn't it.
"“I see. Well... this is a sixty yard roll of a rather remarkable material.” He began. “It acts as an adhesive bandage for wounds and cuts, but also has some extraordinary remedial properties.” The 16 year old raised an eyebrow, while the bald man smiled as he had his interest. “Once the bandage is set, you soak it in fresh water. The medicines in the adhesive soak into the damaged skin, and in a matter of minutes, heal the injury without a mark.” He said, placing it on the counter. “Good-for-cuts-bruises-and-aching-muscles-of-humans-and-Pokémon. Effect-on-scars-may-vary.”"
Another bad idea in fanfic is to make up random stuff. There's a great deal of leeway in canon and in fanfic for exactly how good their healing technology/magic is, ranging from our own level to a quick spray of a potion heals everything instantly. Provided it's done consistently and fits the overall story, which you pick isn't an issue.
What is an issue is introducing something that's a magical healing aid as if magical healing isn't normal. Either this kind of thing is around because the world is magical, in which case this particular thing isn't a big deal and is perfectly believable or this kind of thing isn't around because the world is like ours and this is a fraud, in which case everyone should know immediately it is one and not fall for it.
Next, while I could see a ten year old kid falling for a fraud, by age sixteen someone should be smart enough to demand a test. This stuff is being sold in large quantities, so the usual trick of convincing someone they don't want to waste it testing it out isn't on the table. All he has to do is nick himself, or better yet demand the salesman do the same, and see if the stuff really does fix the injury, as it should only take a few minutes.
Finally, I'm guessing this entire interlude isn't even going to matter, it's just filler, making it all the worse because filler is supposed to be filler, bland and not very noticeable, kind of like bread crumbs in meat, not something that raises a dozen questions and suggests a half dozen plot holes, in which case it's more like you replaced half the meat with ground pepper.
"Inside a cage under the arm of the leading guy was a Vulpix, crying out to its trainer."
Pretty sure they're born knowing ember. Even if we somehow claim it can't melt its way through, they're completely immune to fire damage and just get their own attacks boosted by it. It just needs to heat up the cage until it's dropped. In conclusion, the vulpix is clearly calling insults at its trainer because if it didn't want to leave, it didn't have to.
It's really tiresome how people who write pokemon fanfic persist in ignoring pokemon abilities for the sake of their sues.
"The orange haired woman ran after them in her blue shoes, tight blue jeans and yellow belly shirt."
This is more description that really shouldn't be there. You've got a robbery/kidnapping going on, the fact she's got tight pants on shouldn't really be a major detail.
"He jumped up and did a spinning right kick, which connected right into the skinny biker’s forehead. As he slowly flew off his bike, the 16 year old grabbed the bike’s left handle and spun it around him to stop it."
What I just said about sues, only about a dozen times moreso.
So far, this story seems to have just been to discuss how very special and badass your sue is. That's really not as interesting a subject as you think it is.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5590762/1/Challenger
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
You don't need constant scene breaks establishing where they are. If your story is jumping around that much, that's a problem with the story and you need to spend more time fleshing out each scene or cutting some out entirely. Your readers should be able to tell time and area based on what you say in the narration.
You also don't need to list every detail of your character as soon as they're introduced.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Also, this is just extremely dull. It isn't actually a rule that you have to start at the earliest imaginable point in your character's life and then go through sequentially. Presumably your character will eventually do something that's within the general ballpark of interesting. The story should start there and you can then dole out any minor details you deem relevant that happened earlier by, for example, having the kid think about how he got his starter from his uncle or whatever.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5590964/1/Alsumas_Journey
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and"Sinnoh".
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
Don't post a story all in bold.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
You're writing a story, which means it shouldn't contain mostly strings of meaningless dialogue being exchanged. I get it, it's easy to write dialogue. That doesn't mean the resulting dialogue is any good or at all needed for the story.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5591094/1/Crystallized_in_Time
Nine sentences is not an appropriate chapter length. This kind of thing belongs at the top of a chapter, not posted as one.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5591298/1/Reviews_for_Kineechan
This is not a story and does not belong on this site. Post reviews to a person's story. If you want to post your reviews elsewhere as well, get a livejournal or something.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5589858/1/He_Loves_Me_He_Loves_Me_Not
Stories revolving around accusing a character of being gay are not actually that funny.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5591742/1/Who_am_I
"A was in a thicket now"
What?
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
"There was now a bullet hole were my head was 3 seconds ago."
Where is the place.
Also, write out numbers with letters.
Also also, proofread better in general.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5591789/1/Pokemon_Teaser
These are banned on the site, and with good reason. Go actually write the story instead of trying to hype it.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5591893/1/Bad_Pachirisu
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Use spellcheck.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5591920/1/Sliver
"No humans exist in the world, and Pokemon take their place as civilized peoples."
This had better not turn out to have "civilized people" mean "act exactly like furry humans".
...and yet, here we have the typical background for a poorly thought out fantasy story. I especially like how the fact different species can do things like live in the ocean is totally irrelevant and all it takes to have a world-spanning empire is controlling some of the land. Next to that, all the other comments I could make about how flight and teleportation and the ability for some pokemon to live inside a volcano should have some effect really seem trivial.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5592089/1/Dancing_Nightmare
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
"Your" is possessive, "you're" means "you are". Also, don't use multiple exclamation marks.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5592103/1/Eon_the_Eevee
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
If you've got a brother named Buck you're probably not living in a society where you'd get named Eon. Also, this is kind of like those stories where it's a herd of ponyta and they're all named Cinder and Ember and Flame. They're perfectly decent nicknames for a trainer, but if you're living in a group of the same species of pokemon, you're probably not going to be naming everyone based on the fact they're that pokemon. It'd be like naming humans nothing but stuff like Pinky - if nothing else, they should run out of names after the first ten people.
Also, even incredibly precocious animals aren't walking and talking seconds after being born. I don't care if they're a bit impressed, it should be taking a half hour at best for him to do anything but crawl a little, and that'd be assuming he's something that needs the ability to walk quickly, which eevee don't.
Also, spellcheck.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5592341/1/O_R_I_G_I_N
"Info: In this region, they don’t have “starter pokemon”. Instead, they are given an Evee and are told to evolve it into whatever one you wanted."
While I'm generally positive to the idea, you should at least know how to spell eevee. I get that spellcheck won't automatically know, but that's why you should look it up.
Also, you wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
"Umbreon looked at my with a confused look on his face."
Proofread.
If they wanted to go on a pokemon journey, why didn't they do it five years ago? I mean, really, if you're not bothering to have them setting out then and they've got other pokemon already, then you really don't need stuff like saying the standard starter is eevee, you might as well just say they bought one at some point.
"soarded"
SPELLCHECK.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5594225/1/Everything_I_Cant_Have#
"*Warning* This story has no connection to Pokemon what-so-ever. It's just a random story about the everyday pressures of Jr. High. It's made to play with your emotions ; Hope it works! *Names have been changed*"
Then it belongs over on fictionpress.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5593038/1/Speak_of_the_Devil
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Otherwise, the basic writing of this is perfectly good. Shorter than I'd like for a chapter, even a prologue, but you do have something happening and it feels like a full scene with a real ending, so it works.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5593323/1/Am_I_Lost
A drabble is an extremely short story exactly a hundred words long. This is nearly a thousand. Don't use words if you don't have the faintest idea what they mean.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Anyway, the story itself is somewhat jumbled and horribly rushed.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5593373/1/Ikarishipping_Story_1_The_Kidnapping
"Ages: (Just for clarification and knowledge) "
If it's that important, it belongs in the story itself. If you can't work it in, it's not important enough to bother with at all.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Also, your story should not be largely a bunch of people talking. Use more narration, cut out superfluous dialogue.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5593445/1/Detecitive_Diane
Your title is misspelled.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
If one person speaks, then the other does something like sighing, and then that person speaks, you should generally group the person's actions with their speech instead of automatically hitting the enter key as soon as the the speaker changes.
In other words, "Diane sighed." should really go right in front of what she says next, not in the paragraph above.
"“I don’t want to be famous,” she said. “Do you realize what happens when detectives get really famous?”
“They get rich?”
“No!” she cried and nearly slapped him. “They get dead. No criminal wants a good detective around, so they kill them.”
“Isn’t that a bit of a morbid conclusion to jump to?”
“It’s a true one. I’ve read it in books a thousand times.”"
…I don't remember that from the detective novels I read. Now and again the people the detective is actually trying to catch might get violent, but that doesn't have much to do with their relative fame. Moreover, anyone who's actually being a detective has long ago noticed it didn't play out exactly like a novel.
...and you've got random italics in the middle there.
Write out numbers with letters.
"voice tone" generally refers to the way in which something is being said, so two people of very different ages may have the same tone if they're both annoyed. If you want to indicate something like age, you're better off with more general word like sound or a specific description, such as "deep". The latter would have the benefit of actually telling the reader what the person sounded like instead of that whatever it was meant that she could tell it meant he was forty.
If she's yelping and jumping to her feet right after a gunshot loud enough she's deaf from the ringing despite the distance, how does he hear her do this? Also, she sucks as a detective.
...why is no one bright enough to use guns? Even the people who have guns and just used one apparently can't figure out that they're meant to kill people you don't like.
"And…her legs weren’t bipedal any longer."
Horribly worded. "Wouldn't bend right" maybe, but "her legs weren't two-legged" is not good writing.
Multiple exclamation marks are a bad idea.
"I’m not a Pokemon!"
Uh, no one said she was. They have referred to her as a "little guy" and "it". Now, if she meant something along the lines of "I know I look like one, but actually..." that'd be one thing, but given her next actions are to be confused why she suddenly has fire attacks, deny being a houndour and then insist the guy's an idiot for not knowing she looks like a person, it looks more like characterization fail, where you don't bother to pay attention to what information people are actually saying.
And we're done. I hope that when she wakes up she'll be bright enough to understand that she lives in a world where everyone, including herself, is literate and so she's entirely capable of communication regardless of if she's capable of speech. Or at least bright enough not to attack random people.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5593638/1/Ethereality
"The air was warm, a sure sign that summer still blessed even the bleakest corners of Ecruteak City. Yet, at night a cool breeze seemed to hold the ancient town in its embrace, and the streets remained empty save for the occasional shadowy figure that was slowly making its way home after engaging in the pleasures of the local pub."
…? You seem to be using a lot of words to explain that it's warm in summer and nights are cooler than days.
Also, why are the streets empty if it's pleasant at night and people are going to pubs? And why is all of this important?
"While the initial impression was that the graveyard had been long forgotten considering the disrepair it had fallen into, fresh flowers were still laid upon certain graves, their lush colours of life a vivid contrast against the dead earth. Still others had gifts and trinkets draped upon the crumbling stones that marked the final resting places of the dead. It was anything but forgotten."
...so why don't people fix any of it, then?
"The figure's clothing showed clear signs that the owner was relatively well-off. They bore no tears of wear upon the warm cloth"
Aside from how heavily overwritten this was, unless this is taking place well in the past, something you've given no sign of, clothes are cheap. People with less money might be a bit more likely to wear worn clothing, but by and large it's a matter of not wanting to go shopping or liking a particular piece despite it being old. About all tear-free clothing tells you is "not extremely poor" by now.
"The moonlight illuminated what may have, at one point, been a fair face, yet now her grey eyes were dull, and seemed to be almost unfocused in their dark sockets as her cracked lips parted in a silent moan."
...But she's still making sure to only wear new clothes?
...and now she's decided her baby is dead when it actually isn't, and is responding by abandoning it suddenly and running off, the polar opposite of how the human mind works. Despite it being hardwired into her and every other human's brain, she fails to notice the kid crying during any of this.
"Her mother was delusional from sickness, and as a result, began to imagine seeing things. That is what happened here, in that her mother saw Rui as dead, and, in her sick state, took her to the graveyard and left her there believing that some spiritual entity had claimed her daughter's life. Of course, obviously, Rui was still very much alive, but her mother couldn't see that in her delusional state. Hopefully that cleared some things up "
Yeah, if you need a note like this you've done something wrong. Also, stuff doesn't happen just because you want it to. The reason it doesn't make sense is because people do not act like this. Maybe someone who is a hell of a lot further gone than merely delusional might do this, but they'd also be a hell of a lot past the point where no one would leave them alone with a kid. This is on the level of "And then the invisible aliens told me my son was Satan so I drowned him."
Look, I'm not sure how any of this is even relevant to Rui, but if for some reason it's important she be in a graveyard and her mom not around, better options include her mother committing suicide or failed murder/suicide there (perhaps the father's in the graveyard), Rui actually being sick and unresponsive to the point her mother could mistake her for dead (and then possibly commit suicide - seriously, people tend not to let go of dead babies, not abandon live ones because they might be dead. Maybe she figures they'll be together that way), or deciding they're both dead and heading to the graveyard where she dies, etc. Anything but that she somehow sees a living, crying baby clutching at her as a limp dead body, and decides the logical thing is to dump it in a graveyard and wander off, really. If it's really important her mother still be alive, dropping the bit about thinking Rui was dead entirely and giving some other reason for abandoning the kid might work - given you're going with that she's crazy, maybe she thinks something like that invisible aliens are following her to kill her baby but if she leaves it at a graveyard they'll assume it's dead and stop chasing. Still crazy and a bad idea, but something that makes sense given the premises.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5593696/1/Lunar_Eclipse
Dialogue looks basically right. You don't need constant tags for only two people, though - a number of those sentences don't need stuff like "Name shrugged" tacked on.
"As he activated his Running Shoes and shot off down the path"
Don't *do* this. None of it. You only capitalize for the name of a person or place, they're just shoes that are good for running, and there is nothing you activate by hitting B involved in shoes.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5593910/1/A_Thief_by_Any_Other_Name
If you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"There was supposed to be a “Magical Mirage Pokémon” that you could find while you were fishing. I'd been going there for three solid years, and nothing but stupid Magikarp. I wasn't going to give up, not because I really wanted the Pokémon, there was just absolutely nothing else to do "
Two basic problems here. One, not really how legends work. If someone caught a glimpse of something, the description should involve some reference, however warped, to its actual appearance. If she's been there three years and hearing about it, she should have something more to go on, even if it's actually nonsense.
The other is that what kind of kid is stuck somewhere with nothing to do for three years? If she's not working, she should be going to school. If she's not going to school, she should be working or preparing to work. If nothing else, if she's fishing she needs a pokemon in the event she catches anything other than magikarp, and it'd also give her something to do during her inexplicable years of isolated boredom. It'd also mean she had a decent chance of actually seeing the special pokemon stick around longer than the time it took to get itself untangled from her hook. You don't even mention bringing special pokeballs to have a change at snagging it, or any other equipment to do things like drive off angry pokemon.
"His red eyes tore into my soul like burning metal, as cliché as that is"
That's not so much a cliché as kind of ridiculously over the top.
"It had fins or something on the side of its face, too. I first thought they were like gills or whatever, but I guess I was wrong. "
...why? She thought they were gills, then...suddenly she no longer thinks they are? Is it just because it's staying on land so she's assuming it must have lungs? Water pokemon seem generally quite able to hang out on land without problems, and at least some of them presumably have gills if gills exist, so that wouldn't work either.
I'll give you credit for actually putting effort into getting a dratini, but it's really undercut by her not even having pokeballs on her.
"Most wild Pokémon would've ran or attacked me by now."
True, but also further begging the question of why she's fishing without a pokemon in the first place or any other mentioned way to protect herself.
…So getting a pokemon automatically means journeying? That really doesn't make much sense. If she wanted to journey, she could have tried to get a pokemon or even raised one of the magikarp, given that three years is plenty long enough even for raising a magikarp to gyarados. While if she didn't want to go on a journey, finding a starving baby pokemon of unknown species hardly seems a good reason to go out and use it for fights.
"I took a quick shower, then I put on my “Trainer outfit” "
She's not a trainer and previously gave no sign she wanted to be, but she's got a trainer outfit, and whatever a trainer outfit is, it's not the same as the clothing you wear to go hiking up to a lake to fish. This really doesn't make sense any way you look at it.
...And now the professor has randomly decided she's a thief, because no one ever catches a rare pokemon, and someone who stole a rare expensive pokemon certainly would do so without knowing it was actually worth money, followed by marching down to the local professor to ask what it was. Moreover, any owned expensive rare pokemon would naturally be malnourished until a thief stole them and started feeding them heavily - if he can tell it hasn't been fed properly in a while, he can certainly tell that its stomach is currently full.
Look, I get that you want her to end up with Silver not knowing what's going on, but you've got to actually set it up, it can't happen just because you feel like it. For example, instead of the dratini being malnourished, perhaps it's in good health and was only hungry recently, which would be consistent with someone stealing it and not taking good care of it immediately after. And perhaps there was just a report Elm heard about a dratini being stolen. And perhaps she could have some sort of part in this, such as being the one to ask if the rareness of the dratini means it's worth money - it'd be perfectly normal to just be curious, even if only to realize how lucky she is to have found one or if she'll need to watch out for thieves herself. That kind of thing. There has to be some sort of real reason people assume she's a thief.
Speaking of Silver, your description needs work. If you mean for him to be the same guy she sees earlier, identifying him as a redhead would have been a good idea back then, as people are far more likely to know that than the eye color he doesn't have in most of his appearances due to how he's drawn. You don't need to (please don't, really) describe every little detail, but something important or that's going to come up again should be included.
"wierded"
Spellcheck.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5594065/1/Honshu_The_Fourth_Dragon
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"Like all regions, Honshu has eight gyms and its own Pokemon League."
Indeed. It'd honestly be a nice change to see something slightly different for once. Especially since new types have been introduced since the first game.
"A new type is also introduced: Crystal."
...a trend I see you decided to continue. Not really the best idea. Look, crystal? It's a type of rock. What exactly is different about crystal than existing rock and possibly steel types? Even if somehow you think attacks hit things made of crystal differently than they hit ones out of rock, I can't even imagine how you'd possibly get a different type of move out of them.
"Its starter Pokemon are also different; a Psychic-type, a Fighting-type, and a Dark-type."
This is a more interesting change, although rather that types I'd like to know species, namely, given that a dark type is an immunity rather than a resistance, does the given psychic type have a moveset that still lets it put up a fight at a disadvantage, rather than automatically losing if it goes up against the dark starter?
Granted, in order to really be a valid change it'd have to be in a story focusing on local trainers traveling the region with those starters, not a story where you've going to ask people to submit experienced trainers from other regions.
"Magic is prevalent in the atmosphere and the House Members regain part of their power due to a mystical presence."
Wait, what?
Anyway, twenty (rather short) sentences is not a chapter, it's the little opening you put in front of one.
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5594151/1/Pokemon_A_new_journey
Capitalize your title properly.
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and"Sinnoh".
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Also, I realize that spellcheck will not catch pokemon species, but that's why you should double check the words before posting.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5595156/1/One_Big_Mix
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Don't use multiple exclamation marks.
"This is an intro story for an OC of mine. He was originally and is presently going to be featured in Johan07’s story, J’s Apprentice.
I don’t know much about him, but he interests me and I might be able to make a series involving him. So without further ado, let’s begin..."
Yeah, not a good sign. Stories should be about stuff, not just "so I have this OC I made up..."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Write out numbers with letters.
"A pair of black shoes and four white legs with black claws were crunching the dirt as they walked down the street. One was a Pokémon, quite rare to the Sevii Islands. An Absol, wandering its red eyes around to the right as it scanned the markets of food and other interesting looking objects. To the left of him was his 16 year old trainer and companion for several years. Over the black shoes was a pair of black pants, hanging around the ankles, with a white kimono covering the top of the person’s body and hanging over his thighs, revealing a part of his lightly tanned chest. Slinging on his left shoulder and hanging at his right hip was a dark red sling bag, filled with his day’s essentials. He had a black tied bandana with a special red oval symbol on the front, holding half of his long black hair down behind his back, and keeping the other half out of his eyes, framing the sides of his face. But his eyes were different from what you’d see every day. Only the black outline of his pupils could be seen, while there was no actual colour in his irises. "
Ow. This much description is never necessary in one place.
And we've got bonus Japanese culture-dropping because hey guys, did you know the show comes from Japan???? Ugh. He's just been introduced and already he's looking like a standard "badass" sue.
"Many would call him blind straight away. In fact, a few people in the stands and in his path looked at him questioningly and mumbled something to their friends , wondering how he was walking straight in the first place."
No, because most people do not stare intently at the eyes of everyone they see on the street, and eye color is not that noticeable, especially at distances of over a few feet. At best, they might notice his eyes look a bit off, but since he's obviously walking fine and is lacking things to indicate he's blind like a cane or a harness for that absol, they'll just assume his eyes are really light colored and move on with their lives, because seriously, he's not that special that everyone is going to wonder about every little thing he does.
If he's actually missing his eyes, this kind of thing would be understandable because that's extremely noticeable and seen at a reasonable distance. If his eyes are straight white without any iris at all, I could see people noticing because all white eyes are also distinctive and still noticeable at a moderate distance. Both of those also actually mean blindness, not kind of weird.
Continuing on the subject...
"while the boy continued browsing with his hollow eyes"
No, they're just regular ones without much color that seem to work perfectly normally. Look, the bigger a deal you make about his eyes, the less they're actually interesting. You've doing everything short of jumping up and down shouting I should care. White/clear irises? Okay. White/clear irises that EVERYONE MUST NOTICE AND CARE ABOUT? Not okay.
"realising that his young customer looked... blind."
Seriously.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
"Nothing to be alerted about"
I'm not entirely sure what word you meant here, but "alerted" wasn't it.
"“I see. Well... this is a sixty yard roll of a rather remarkable material.” He began. “It acts as an adhesive bandage for wounds and cuts, but also has some extraordinary remedial properties.” The 16 year old raised an eyebrow, while the bald man smiled as he had his interest. “Once the bandage is set, you soak it in fresh water. The medicines in the adhesive soak into the damaged skin, and in a matter of minutes, heal the injury without a mark.” He said, placing it on the counter. “Good-for-cuts-bruises-and-aching-muscles-of-humans-and-Pokémon. Effect-on-scars-may-vary.”"
Another bad idea in fanfic is to make up random stuff. There's a great deal of leeway in canon and in fanfic for exactly how good their healing technology/magic is, ranging from our own level to a quick spray of a potion heals everything instantly. Provided it's done consistently and fits the overall story, which you pick isn't an issue.
What is an issue is introducing something that's a magical healing aid as if magical healing isn't normal. Either this kind of thing is around because the world is magical, in which case this particular thing isn't a big deal and is perfectly believable or this kind of thing isn't around because the world is like ours and this is a fraud, in which case everyone should know immediately it is one and not fall for it.
Next, while I could see a ten year old kid falling for a fraud, by age sixteen someone should be smart enough to demand a test. This stuff is being sold in large quantities, so the usual trick of convincing someone they don't want to waste it testing it out isn't on the table. All he has to do is nick himself, or better yet demand the salesman do the same, and see if the stuff really does fix the injury, as it should only take a few minutes.
Finally, I'm guessing this entire interlude isn't even going to matter, it's just filler, making it all the worse because filler is supposed to be filler, bland and not very noticeable, kind of like bread crumbs in meat, not something that raises a dozen questions and suggests a half dozen plot holes, in which case it's more like you replaced half the meat with ground pepper.
"Inside a cage under the arm of the leading guy was a Vulpix, crying out to its trainer."
Pretty sure they're born knowing ember. Even if we somehow claim it can't melt its way through, they're completely immune to fire damage and just get their own attacks boosted by it. It just needs to heat up the cage until it's dropped. In conclusion, the vulpix is clearly calling insults at its trainer because if it didn't want to leave, it didn't have to.
It's really tiresome how people who write pokemon fanfic persist in ignoring pokemon abilities for the sake of their sues.
"The orange haired woman ran after them in her blue shoes, tight blue jeans and yellow belly shirt."
This is more description that really shouldn't be there. You've got a robbery/kidnapping going on, the fact she's got tight pants on shouldn't really be a major detail.
"He jumped up and did a spinning right kick, which connected right into the skinny biker’s forehead. As he slowly flew off his bike, the 16 year old grabbed the bike’s left handle and spun it around him to stop it."
What I just said about sues, only about a dozen times moreso.
So far, this story seems to have just been to discuss how very special and badass your sue is. That's really not as interesting a subject as you think it is.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5590762/1/Challenger
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
You don't need constant scene breaks establishing where they are. If your story is jumping around that much, that's a problem with the story and you need to spend more time fleshing out each scene or cutting some out entirely. Your readers should be able to tell time and area based on what you say in the narration.
You also don't need to list every detail of your character as soon as they're introduced.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Also, this is just extremely dull. It isn't actually a rule that you have to start at the earliest imaginable point in your character's life and then go through sequentially. Presumably your character will eventually do something that's within the general ballpark of interesting. The story should start there and you can then dole out any minor details you deem relevant that happened earlier by, for example, having the kid think about how he got his starter from his uncle or whatever.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5590964/1/Alsumas_Journey
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and"Sinnoh".
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
Don't post a story all in bold.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
You're writing a story, which means it shouldn't contain mostly strings of meaningless dialogue being exchanged. I get it, it's easy to write dialogue. That doesn't mean the resulting dialogue is any good or at all needed for the story.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5591094/1/Crystallized_in_Time
Nine sentences is not an appropriate chapter length. This kind of thing belongs at the top of a chapter, not posted as one.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5591298/1/Reviews_for_Kineechan
This is not a story and does not belong on this site. Post reviews to a person's story. If you want to post your reviews elsewhere as well, get a livejournal or something.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5589858/1/He_Loves_Me_He_Loves_Me_Not
Stories revolving around accusing a character of being gay are not actually that funny.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5591742/1/Who_am_I
"A was in a thicket now"
What?
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
"There was now a bullet hole were my head was 3 seconds ago."
Where is the place.
Also, write out numbers with letters.
Also also, proofread better in general.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5591789/1/Pokemon_Teaser
These are banned on the site, and with good reason. Go actually write the story instead of trying to hype it.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5591893/1/Bad_Pachirisu
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Use spellcheck.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5591920/1/Sliver
"No humans exist in the world, and Pokemon take their place as civilized peoples."
This had better not turn out to have "civilized people" mean "act exactly like furry humans".
...and yet, here we have the typical background for a poorly thought out fantasy story. I especially like how the fact different species can do things like live in the ocean is totally irrelevant and all it takes to have a world-spanning empire is controlling some of the land. Next to that, all the other comments I could make about how flight and teleportation and the ability for some pokemon to live inside a volcano should have some effect really seem trivial.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5592089/1/Dancing_Nightmare
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
"Your" is possessive, "you're" means "you are". Also, don't use multiple exclamation marks.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5592103/1/Eon_the_Eevee
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
If you've got a brother named Buck you're probably not living in a society where you'd get named Eon. Also, this is kind of like those stories where it's a herd of ponyta and they're all named Cinder and Ember and Flame. They're perfectly decent nicknames for a trainer, but if you're living in a group of the same species of pokemon, you're probably not going to be naming everyone based on the fact they're that pokemon. It'd be like naming humans nothing but stuff like Pinky - if nothing else, they should run out of names after the first ten people.
Also, even incredibly precocious animals aren't walking and talking seconds after being born. I don't care if they're a bit impressed, it should be taking a half hour at best for him to do anything but crawl a little, and that'd be assuming he's something that needs the ability to walk quickly, which eevee don't.
Also, spellcheck.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5592341/1/O_R_I_G_I_N
"Info: In this region, they don’t have “starter pokemon”. Instead, they are given an Evee and are told to evolve it into whatever one you wanted."
While I'm generally positive to the idea, you should at least know how to spell eevee. I get that spellcheck won't automatically know, but that's why you should look it up.
Also, you wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
"Umbreon looked at my with a confused look on his face."
Proofread.
If they wanted to go on a pokemon journey, why didn't they do it five years ago? I mean, really, if you're not bothering to have them setting out then and they've got other pokemon already, then you really don't need stuff like saying the standard starter is eevee, you might as well just say they bought one at some point.
"soarded"
SPELLCHECK.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5594225/1/Everything_I_Cant_Have#
"*Warning* This story has no connection to Pokemon what-so-ever. It's just a random story about the everyday pressures of Jr. High. It's made to play with your emotions ; Hope it works! *Names have been changed*"
Then it belongs over on fictionpress.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5593038/1/Speak_of_the_Devil
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Otherwise, the basic writing of this is perfectly good. Shorter than I'd like for a chapter, even a prologue, but you do have something happening and it feels like a full scene with a real ending, so it works.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5593323/1/Am_I_Lost
A drabble is an extremely short story exactly a hundred words long. This is nearly a thousand. Don't use words if you don't have the faintest idea what they mean.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Anyway, the story itself is somewhat jumbled and horribly rushed.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5593373/1/Ikarishipping_Story_1_The_Kidnapping
"Ages: (Just for clarification and knowledge) "
If it's that important, it belongs in the story itself. If you can't work it in, it's not important enough to bother with at all.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Also, your story should not be largely a bunch of people talking. Use more narration, cut out superfluous dialogue.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5593445/1/Detecitive_Diane
Your title is misspelled.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
If one person speaks, then the other does something like sighing, and then that person speaks, you should generally group the person's actions with their speech instead of automatically hitting the enter key as soon as the the speaker changes.
In other words, "Diane sighed." should really go right in front of what she says next, not in the paragraph above.
"“I don’t want to be famous,” she said. “Do you realize what happens when detectives get really famous?”
“They get rich?”
“No!” she cried and nearly slapped him. “They get dead. No criminal wants a good detective around, so they kill them.”
“Isn’t that a bit of a morbid conclusion to jump to?”
“It’s a true one. I’ve read it in books a thousand times.”"
…I don't remember that from the detective novels I read. Now and again the people the detective is actually trying to catch might get violent, but that doesn't have much to do with their relative fame. Moreover, anyone who's actually being a detective has long ago noticed it didn't play out exactly like a novel.
...and you've got random italics in the middle there.
Write out numbers with letters.
"voice tone" generally refers to the way in which something is being said, so two people of very different ages may have the same tone if they're both annoyed. If you want to indicate something like age, you're better off with more general word like sound or a specific description, such as "deep". The latter would have the benefit of actually telling the reader what the person sounded like instead of that whatever it was meant that she could tell it meant he was forty.
If she's yelping and jumping to her feet right after a gunshot loud enough she's deaf from the ringing despite the distance, how does he hear her do this? Also, she sucks as a detective.
...why is no one bright enough to use guns? Even the people who have guns and just used one apparently can't figure out that they're meant to kill people you don't like.
"And…her legs weren’t bipedal any longer."
Horribly worded. "Wouldn't bend right" maybe, but "her legs weren't two-legged" is not good writing.
Multiple exclamation marks are a bad idea.
"I’m not a Pokemon!"
Uh, no one said she was. They have referred to her as a "little guy" and "it". Now, if she meant something along the lines of "I know I look like one, but actually..." that'd be one thing, but given her next actions are to be confused why she suddenly has fire attacks, deny being a houndour and then insist the guy's an idiot for not knowing she looks like a person, it looks more like characterization fail, where you don't bother to pay attention to what information people are actually saying.
And we're done. I hope that when she wakes up she'll be bright enough to understand that she lives in a world where everyone, including herself, is literate and so she's entirely capable of communication regardless of if she's capable of speech. Or at least bright enough not to attack random people.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5593638/1/Ethereality
"The air was warm, a sure sign that summer still blessed even the bleakest corners of Ecruteak City. Yet, at night a cool breeze seemed to hold the ancient town in its embrace, and the streets remained empty save for the occasional shadowy figure that was slowly making its way home after engaging in the pleasures of the local pub."
…? You seem to be using a lot of words to explain that it's warm in summer and nights are cooler than days.
Also, why are the streets empty if it's pleasant at night and people are going to pubs? And why is all of this important?
"While the initial impression was that the graveyard had been long forgotten considering the disrepair it had fallen into, fresh flowers were still laid upon certain graves, their lush colours of life a vivid contrast against the dead earth. Still others had gifts and trinkets draped upon the crumbling stones that marked the final resting places of the dead. It was anything but forgotten."
...so why don't people fix any of it, then?
"The figure's clothing showed clear signs that the owner was relatively well-off. They bore no tears of wear upon the warm cloth"
Aside from how heavily overwritten this was, unless this is taking place well in the past, something you've given no sign of, clothes are cheap. People with less money might be a bit more likely to wear worn clothing, but by and large it's a matter of not wanting to go shopping or liking a particular piece despite it being old. About all tear-free clothing tells you is "not extremely poor" by now.
"The moonlight illuminated what may have, at one point, been a fair face, yet now her grey eyes were dull, and seemed to be almost unfocused in their dark sockets as her cracked lips parted in a silent moan."
...But she's still making sure to only wear new clothes?
...and now she's decided her baby is dead when it actually isn't, and is responding by abandoning it suddenly and running off, the polar opposite of how the human mind works. Despite it being hardwired into her and every other human's brain, she fails to notice the kid crying during any of this.
"Her mother was delusional from sickness, and as a result, began to imagine seeing things. That is what happened here, in that her mother saw Rui as dead, and, in her sick state, took her to the graveyard and left her there believing that some spiritual entity had claimed her daughter's life. Of course, obviously, Rui was still very much alive, but her mother couldn't see that in her delusional state. Hopefully that cleared some things up "
Yeah, if you need a note like this you've done something wrong. Also, stuff doesn't happen just because you want it to. The reason it doesn't make sense is because people do not act like this. Maybe someone who is a hell of a lot further gone than merely delusional might do this, but they'd also be a hell of a lot past the point where no one would leave them alone with a kid. This is on the level of "And then the invisible aliens told me my son was Satan so I drowned him."
Look, I'm not sure how any of this is even relevant to Rui, but if for some reason it's important she be in a graveyard and her mom not around, better options include her mother committing suicide or failed murder/suicide there (perhaps the father's in the graveyard), Rui actually being sick and unresponsive to the point her mother could mistake her for dead (and then possibly commit suicide - seriously, people tend not to let go of dead babies, not abandon live ones because they might be dead. Maybe she figures they'll be together that way), or deciding they're both dead and heading to the graveyard where she dies, etc. Anything but that she somehow sees a living, crying baby clutching at her as a limp dead body, and decides the logical thing is to dump it in a graveyard and wander off, really. If it's really important her mother still be alive, dropping the bit about thinking Rui was dead entirely and giving some other reason for abandoning the kid might work - given you're going with that she's crazy, maybe she thinks something like that invisible aliens are following her to kill her baby but if she leaves it at a graveyard they'll assume it's dead and stop chasing. Still crazy and a bad idea, but something that makes sense given the premises.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5593696/1/Lunar_Eclipse
Dialogue looks basically right. You don't need constant tags for only two people, though - a number of those sentences don't need stuff like "Name shrugged" tacked on.
"As he activated his Running Shoes and shot off down the path"
Don't *do* this. None of it. You only capitalize for the name of a person or place, they're just shoes that are good for running, and there is nothing you activate by hitting B involved in shoes.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5593910/1/A_Thief_by_Any_Other_Name
If you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"There was supposed to be a “Magical Mirage Pokémon” that you could find while you were fishing. I'd been going there for three solid years, and nothing but stupid Magikarp. I wasn't going to give up, not because I really wanted the Pokémon, there was just absolutely nothing else to do "
Two basic problems here. One, not really how legends work. If someone caught a glimpse of something, the description should involve some reference, however warped, to its actual appearance. If she's been there three years and hearing about it, she should have something more to go on, even if it's actually nonsense.
The other is that what kind of kid is stuck somewhere with nothing to do for three years? If she's not working, she should be going to school. If she's not going to school, she should be working or preparing to work. If nothing else, if she's fishing she needs a pokemon in the event she catches anything other than magikarp, and it'd also give her something to do during her inexplicable years of isolated boredom. It'd also mean she had a decent chance of actually seeing the special pokemon stick around longer than the time it took to get itself untangled from her hook. You don't even mention bringing special pokeballs to have a change at snagging it, or any other equipment to do things like drive off angry pokemon.
"His red eyes tore into my soul like burning metal, as cliché as that is"
That's not so much a cliché as kind of ridiculously over the top.
"It had fins or something on the side of its face, too. I first thought they were like gills or whatever, but I guess I was wrong. "
...why? She thought they were gills, then...suddenly she no longer thinks they are? Is it just because it's staying on land so she's assuming it must have lungs? Water pokemon seem generally quite able to hang out on land without problems, and at least some of them presumably have gills if gills exist, so that wouldn't work either.
I'll give you credit for actually putting effort into getting a dratini, but it's really undercut by her not even having pokeballs on her.
"Most wild Pokémon would've ran or attacked me by now."
True, but also further begging the question of why she's fishing without a pokemon in the first place or any other mentioned way to protect herself.
…So getting a pokemon automatically means journeying? That really doesn't make much sense. If she wanted to journey, she could have tried to get a pokemon or even raised one of the magikarp, given that three years is plenty long enough even for raising a magikarp to gyarados. While if she didn't want to go on a journey, finding a starving baby pokemon of unknown species hardly seems a good reason to go out and use it for fights.
"I took a quick shower, then I put on my “Trainer outfit” "
She's not a trainer and previously gave no sign she wanted to be, but she's got a trainer outfit, and whatever a trainer outfit is, it's not the same as the clothing you wear to go hiking up to a lake to fish. This really doesn't make sense any way you look at it.
...And now the professor has randomly decided she's a thief, because no one ever catches a rare pokemon, and someone who stole a rare expensive pokemon certainly would do so without knowing it was actually worth money, followed by marching down to the local professor to ask what it was. Moreover, any owned expensive rare pokemon would naturally be malnourished until a thief stole them and started feeding them heavily - if he can tell it hasn't been fed properly in a while, he can certainly tell that its stomach is currently full.
Look, I get that you want her to end up with Silver not knowing what's going on, but you've got to actually set it up, it can't happen just because you feel like it. For example, instead of the dratini being malnourished, perhaps it's in good health and was only hungry recently, which would be consistent with someone stealing it and not taking good care of it immediately after. And perhaps there was just a report Elm heard about a dratini being stolen. And perhaps she could have some sort of part in this, such as being the one to ask if the rareness of the dratini means it's worth money - it'd be perfectly normal to just be curious, even if only to realize how lucky she is to have found one or if she'll need to watch out for thieves herself. That kind of thing. There has to be some sort of real reason people assume she's a thief.
Speaking of Silver, your description needs work. If you mean for him to be the same guy she sees earlier, identifying him as a redhead would have been a good idea back then, as people are far more likely to know that than the eye color he doesn't have in most of his appearances due to how he's drawn. You don't need to (please don't, really) describe every little detail, but something important or that's going to come up again should be included.
"wierded"
Spellcheck.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5594065/1/Honshu_The_Fourth_Dragon
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"Like all regions, Honshu has eight gyms and its own Pokemon League."
Indeed. It'd honestly be a nice change to see something slightly different for once. Especially since new types have been introduced since the first game.
"A new type is also introduced: Crystal."
...a trend I see you decided to continue. Not really the best idea. Look, crystal? It's a type of rock. What exactly is different about crystal than existing rock and possibly steel types? Even if somehow you think attacks hit things made of crystal differently than they hit ones out of rock, I can't even imagine how you'd possibly get a different type of move out of them.
"Its starter Pokemon are also different; a Psychic-type, a Fighting-type, and a Dark-type."
This is a more interesting change, although rather that types I'd like to know species, namely, given that a dark type is an immunity rather than a resistance, does the given psychic type have a moveset that still lets it put up a fight at a disadvantage, rather than automatically losing if it goes up against the dark starter?
Granted, in order to really be a valid change it'd have to be in a story focusing on local trainers traveling the region with those starters, not a story where you've going to ask people to submit experienced trainers from other regions.
"Magic is prevalent in the atmosphere and the House Members regain part of their power due to a mystical presence."
Wait, what?
Anyway, twenty (rather short) sentences is not a chapter, it's the little opening you put in front of one.
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5594151/1/Pokemon_A_new_journey
Capitalize your title properly.
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and"Sinnoh".
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Also, I realize that spellcheck will not catch pokemon species, but that's why you should double check the words before posting.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5595156/1/One_Big_Mix
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Don't use multiple exclamation marks.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2009-12-21 05:24 am (UTC)It was at about this point I realized how depressing it is that I may be more likely to come across original and entertaining writing reading one of your reviews chosen at random from the Pokémon section of the Pit than I am randomly reading one of the stories themselves. And you use autocorrect files.
It'd be like naming humans nothing but stuff like Pinky
I would read this story. Come to think of it, it sounds like an Unoriginality chapter.
no subject
Date: 2009-12-21 01:40 pm (UTC)Come to think of it, it sounds like an Unoriginality chapter.
I've been wondering what to update. Will get on that once I'm caught up. (I want to post a second person thing, but don't want to worry about it getting reported a billion times, so that'll wait until next year.)
no subject
Date: 2009-12-21 04:18 pm (UTC)Anyways though, yeah you should update Unoriginality next. Looking forward what you got next if not second person!
no subject
Date: 2009-12-21 05:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-21 01:30 pm (UTC)Yeah, that is pretty stupid. I could see that being brought up in worldbuilding, because maybe it would work if fire was really the center of their culture and the ponyta lived in small herds that didn't interact with others of their species that often and did with pokemon of other types. Then they could have a small pool of common names that would both make sense as names and everyone they interacted with on a daily basis would have a unique one. It would be cool to see a bunch of herds getting together for a special occasion and confusion abounding.
no subject
Date: 2009-12-21 01:51 pm (UTC)