NaRe, Day Twentyfour
Dec. 24th, 2009 11:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/5600912/1/Gotterdammerung
Look, is it really necessary to list every pokemon the different characters have? If it's going to come up, then surely it can be handled in the narration of the actual story?
"Now, this in plot is similar to Studio Ghibli’s Spirited Away. With, of course, Ikarishipping as it’s base!!!"
One of the great things about fanfic is that, since none of us are making money off it, we don't have to make pitches based on "like that other movie that made money!" to a bunch of soulless corporate drones to get the funding we need to actually produce anything. We can, you know, innovate. Which is a good thing to do, especially because you're writing in text and do not have beautiful visuals to fall back on.
"I would like to mention now, that this is NOT just a standalone. It’s part of a trilogy that I’ll be writing, this being the main or first story to it. Look at its title. “Götterdämmerung” is German, and it’s meaning is underneath the title. It does mean “The Twilight of the Gods” and so… yeah."
Uh. Götterdämmerung not so much a German word as it is a German creating a word to translate Ragnarök, and if you actually want a direct translation it's more "dawn/dusk of the gods" due to the word not specifying dawn or dusk. The whole "twilight of the gods" business came about because there's a similar word that means "twilight" and some linguists have argued that the two are related and in sum, no, final and unavoidable destiny by which we mean doom of the gods as expressed through an apocalyptic world-shattering conflict followed by the earth getting repopulated by two surviving humans (again). If you just think "Twilight of the Gods" sounds pretty then for god's sake use that. Especially for something that's meant to be the start of a series, not the ending piece.
If you actually wanted to be clever about the German, you could just use the dämmerung part and get a pun you can't do in English based on the fact you've got Dawn in this story. The only real reason to use other languages is for words that you can't get a perfect translation for.
Also, if someone can't guess götterdämmerung is a German word, they've got bigger issues. Seriously, götterdämmerung. Götterdämmerung. Just look at it. There are not many languages that will produce a word like that. If it was some lesser known similar language I could see explaining to people is _isn't_ actually German, but come on. Also, you know, it's posted on the internet, anyone legitimately confused could just go google it.
"Quiet, quiet, goes the night. Soft, sweet, wrapping the world in an evanescent blanket of twilight, for brief hours, before the sun rises, once again, to shine light upon the world."
Aside from how this is really trying too hard, no, night and twilight are not synonyms and don't become synonyms just because you're really pleased about a German word you heard somewhere.
Also, your tense is incredibly screwy.
"She could not see any light at the end of the tunnel, the cool summer breeze flitting through her hair carelessly, lifting the hem of her skirt lightly."
...what? Again, trying too hard. Either better connect ideas or split them into separate sentences. You do this a lot.
It's "okay", all four letters.
"It didn’t look crumbled, or ruined for that matter, which simply confused Dawn even more. Technically, this place probably shouldn’t exist. The buildings looked old, like they had been made sometime before people had become populous and in an era she had only read about in textbooks."
Aside from how awkwardly worded this is, it also doesn't make sense. Just because something's built in the past doesn't mean it spontaneously stops existing part a certain point. Places do eventually wear down, but if people are living there, they're quite able to repair them over time and there's no rule that every out of the way village has to modernize their houses. For that matter, it's perfectly normal to designate some areas to be preserved and deliberately avoid modernizing, or to decide to build a replica. She can think it's odd, but simply being old fashioned isn't the same as impossible.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"He had large, loose black pants, which hung past his shoes, which were a simple pair of… geta? (1)"
Don't do this.
Footnotes are so called because they're at the foot of a page and it's easy to glance down, read them, and glance back up. Endnotes are very different, and should generally not be used. Either don't use words you feel you need to explain, or in the space you're using to explain which pokemon the characters have and what your title means, add a note saying what geta is. If you absolutely must tell people about it when it comes up in your story, then put the note in parenthesis instead of a number. It's terrible writing but it's still a step up from this.
...also, you're using geta and trying to make this Japanese, but you're calling them Gods? Among other things, the only reason you even capitalize it God is because in English people tend to use the word as a name for their particular one. If you're referring to a god or some gods, it's written as such, just like with pokemon. And that's not even the best translation, and if you're going to translate anyway, you might as well just say Ash is wearing wooden sandals.
"Besides, I think she ran in the direction of Paul’s temple. (2)"
The only thing more annoying than translation endnotes is ones that have no obvious point at all. If there's anything important here, that's why narration exists.
...in fact, let's see what's so important you think people should scroll back and forth to see.
"1) Traditional Japanese footwear.
2) Yes… they live in temples. Lol.
3) I actually am not very fond of this book; I used to be until it became popular and everybody could not stop raving about it and I kind of got fed up with it. (And at re-reading it, I found numerous grammatical errors and an sign in a word. Like, what the hell??? DON’T THEY PROOFREAD?! //gets shot for being hypocritical//) But I just thought this was a very amusing little throw-in. Lol!
4) If you don’t know, this was featured as one of the older Pokemon episodes, with the tower and the crystal bells, and blah, blah, blah. If you want the name of the episode, uh it’s… (Has to search) Episode 229: For Ho-Oh The Bells Toll! (English title)"
My god do I hate you now.
"“So… where exactly is this?”
“It’s Twilight.” Paul responded, detached and still watching the window.
“What? Like the book?” (3)
“… What?”
“…Never mind.”
Dawn felt herself mentally smack herself. Paul offered no more information to where exactly this ‘Twilight’ was.
“Erm… so what exactly is Twilight?”
Paul felt himself sigh, “Twilight of the Gods. It’s where the Gods reside.”"
...yeah, I'm not going to be reading on.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5600955/1/Granted_a_solution
Capitalize your title properly.
Strictly speaking, it's "blonde" for girls.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Thoughts use the same punctuation rules. Also, don't use ' for thoughts, it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse. As long as you put a "he thought" at the end you generally don't need any markers, anyway.
On the brighter side you're not capitalizing pokemon, which is always nice to see, and your writing is otherwise good.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5601051/1/The_eeveeloution_story
Capitalize your title properly.
Also, as "evolution" is spelled as such, it'd be "eeveelution", no extra O.
"so please bare with me! "
Bare = naked.
Bear = carry, or the large furry animal, or tolerate/support, which is what you meant here.
"Team Galactics "
Galactic's. Apostrophe for possessive.
"croagunkran "
Proofread.
"openned "
Spellcheck.
"A couple of scraps"
Scrapes. With an e.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
In sum, proofreading is extremely important and you need to do that.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5601229/1/A_Quest_For_Past_Memories
Write out numbers with letters.
"This is my revamp. My characters are the same, yet with more flaws and more traits. They are not Mary Sue characters."
See, that's one of those easier said than done things. A lot of times, a badly written character isn't bad simply because they're flawless, or even because they're one-dimensional, it's because they tend to break rules of the world.
"I was kidnapped at two and had yet to learn my middle and last name. Fortunately I had a locket with my initials or I would only know me as Sydney. "
"I can tell you I was kidnapped by Team Rocket and they worked me and tortured me for five years until the place where I was kept was found by police. Unfortunately for me, I had no idea who my parents were. "
Yeah, so that's not how society works. Kids aren't kidnapped every other week. If there's a kidnapped kid, there's a record of it. If you later find a kidnapped kid, you compare it with the records. If the kid knows their name, initials or has some sort of identifying item, it's even easier.
Next, that's not how Team Rocket works, as they are busy people and have better things to do than kidnap two year olds for the lulz. And if they were I don't see why they'd let one keep a locket.
"So for the first six months, I was placed into five homes. Why so many homes? Well I had a bad time with rules, especially ones that kept me locked up or without food as punishment. So I ran away. A lot. 37 times to be exact. "
Next up, someone who's been kidnapped and tortured until age seven should not consider missing supper some horrible punishment and should be absolutely terrified of getting kidnapped by Team Rocket again if they go out. While they would certainly have issues, "I hate rules because I'm a headstrong moron" would not really be one, nor should the average restrictions even register for a kid who's been kidnapped and tortured for most of their life.
Nor could you even put such a person in a normal foster home. They'd probably need special care just to learn to talk properly.
Remember what I said above about breaking world rules? This is doing it in spades.
First off, why Team Rocket? There's really no profit in it. If a kid's going to get kidnapped it'd be by some individual psycho. If they're targeting her to get back at someone, the proper thing to do is just kill her, because she's too much trouble to actually bother to keep around.
Next, why age two? Kids at age two can barely talk. They are not going to come out of this anywhere near functional. Kids don't have good memories, especially under stress - she could easily be five and still not remember her last name.
Third, have you at all considered how a kid like this would act? Because she's sounding like a standard bitchy sue, not a traumatized kid.
And does she really need a locket? I assume you have some reason for wanting her to know her initials, but it's horribly cliché and should be avoided if possible.
Finally, about those initials...you're saying this was originally called The Story of Sydney Ketchum. And OCs randomly related to CCs is another of those bad signs. There's nothing in her backstory so far to suggest there's anything added by making her a Ketchum.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"Since I am ten that could mean a lot of things. I am a double digit now and I am going on a Pokemon Journey. Thats right, they trust the runaway on her own. "
Standard. Bitchy. Sue. Seriously. No sign of any trauma or fear Team Rocket will come back and torture them again. Instead, we're being told that somehow the fact she likes to run away is somehow relevant to letting her leave. That's like saying "That's right, they let the kid who skips school drop out." The facts aren't really connected, and what little they do have in common contradicts the point.
"I was putting my dark gray newsboy hat on that went with my blue blouse and dark gray knee length skirt "
Okay, you get credit for not giving her some gaudy outfit, but PANTS. You wear PANTS.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
"The only one beating me here was a kid named Terry. He was a tad bit taller than me with brown hair and blue eyes. He had been the only one ahead of me in Cerulean's Academy of Pokemon Scholars and Trainers. I knew one day I would show him. "
See, one of the things I really hate is people spending all this time setting up a speshul backstory full of plot holes and nonsense, only to refuse to take any of it into account for the rest of the story. This is standard petty bullshit I could find in any generic trainerfic. If you want to write generic trainerfic, you don't need to waste my time with a pity party backstory.
"You see those three balls? Normally, I give trainers a Squirtle or Bulbasaur or Charmander. However, today, the breeders decided I could give out Eevee instead."
...so close.
Saying the starter is eevee: okay. Overdone, but okay.
Saying that the starter is not eevee, but because it's YOUR CHARACTER they're handing out eevee: so very not okay.
Finally, nothing relevant actually happened here.
Look, there are thousands of OT fics around with the standard first pokemon chapter. You don't need to rehash it. No, not even if you're changing something like getting an eevee, as that's something that can be covered in a one line later explanation. You can jump straight to the first actual thing happening.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5601443/1/Picking_up_the_Pieces
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"Not a great combination if you were neurotic, shy, had a slightly below average memory, though he was by no means stupid, and what the others in the town believed to be aspergers, though they weren’t sure.
If you’d gone back around two years, you’d see a healthy young boy gradually turning into this."
...you don't "turn into" having aspergers.
"His father wanted to come home, but the only way to keep the family fed and looked after was the job in the other region Alex had never heard of. "
Well, he's surely heard of it if his dad was working there before this whole thing began.
...Elm is not a medical doctor. You don't call him over because your kid is sick.
It's "okay", all four letters.
...and why hasn't his mom taken him out, especially seeing as she seems to live at home and do nothing but take care of him?
And why is there no real explanation of what nebulous "illnesses" he has?
This isn't the standard plotline of most of the fics in the category, but different isn't enough all by itself. This story doesn't seem to hang together, it's more like you had an idea and are trying to navigate the characters around for its sake.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5601572/1/After_Hoenn_The_Journey_of_Faith
Don't open with a list of ages. If it's relevant you can mention it in the story itself.
"It had been three years since that fateful day, her wedding to the coordinator, and she wished she could just take it back. "
It's called a divorce. You may have heard of it.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
...he's really not looking all that controlling. Is asking if someone bought things controlling these days?
"Far away, in the desert of Orre, a man walked through the streets.
He had a mane of black hair, grown long from years of neglect, coming up to being compared to a lion‘s mane. His eyes were fierce, intense from the years of training, the color of night. His face was built along the lines of a trainer, for that was what he was.
Ash had long since discarded the ridiculous hat he had worn for many years. His attire was more in tune with a rouge. He now wore a red vest, jackets in Orre were considered useless. His muscles had long before grown in bulk, giving him the physique of a movie star. He wore a v-neck white shirt under the vest, with a little necklace tied around his neck.
His pants had not changed, he still wore the same brand he had always donned, but now they were colored black. Steeled-toed boots were worn in place of sneakers, and he now had on different gloves, black and reaching to halfway up his forearm.
He was very intimidating, and everyone treated him with the utmost respect, he had a team that could kill."
I'm thinking you were going for drama here, but I LOLed. Kind of a problem.
This is just so over the top it's impossible to take seriously.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5601609/1/Pokemon_Journies
You misspelled "journeys".
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and "Sinnoh".
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
You're jumping between past and present tense. Don't do that.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Anyway, this is really rushed and needs to be better developed. Take more time, add in detail, check out what other writers are doing.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5601763/1/The_Flaming_Prodigy
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Okay, look. You're doing a really good job of describing this battle. The problem is that battles aren't actually that interesting. Yeah, I know, counter-intuitive, but pokemon battles are not exactly high-stakes things. They're cool visually, but that kind of thing is hard to translate into text. Once you establish the rest of the story, people can get invested in your battles, but it's just not a good thing to open on.
"Cinder Flair"
Don't do this.
And finally we reach the actual plot. And it's honestly looking promising - there's something wrong with her pokemon, she's dropping out, all sorts of interesting ways it could go from here. But really, you didn't need a huge battle leading up to a cliffhanger. You could have established that then started on whatever your actual story is.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5601774/1/What_do_the_Roses_Mean
Look, it's not poetry just because you hit enter in the middle of sentences and remove a couple periods.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5602104/1/For_Fear_of_Zubat
Chapters need to be longer than two paragraphs. Yes, even if you're calling it a prologue.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5602105/1/Pokemon_Island_Academy
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5602221/1/Emerald_version_Rewritten
Capitalize your title properly.
"I decided to write a fanfic following Emerald's story line, with original characters. It's not very creative, but I thought I would like to write something following Emerald version's story line with a couple twists of my own. Oh, and by the way, the character names are my little brother's ideas. "
You're really trying very hard to convince me not to keep reading, aren't you?
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Look, the standard overdone opening is not improved by having idiots babbling about nothing interesting during it.
Don't use multiple exclamation marks.
Don't put author's notes in the story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5602242/1/Soul_Mates
"AN: Okay! So this chapter is going to be REALLY short, cause I ran out of ideas and I was trying to finish the other stories. Well.. sorry, but I'll fix this chapter, but for now, here you go! :) "
I'm going to tell you a big secret: you don't actually have to post everything the instant you're halfway finished with it. In fact, you really shouldn't.
Write out numbers with letters.
NEVER WRITE DIALOGUE AND THOUGHTS THE SAME WAY. EVER.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5602294/1/Toil_and_Strife
Don't capitalize random words.
Don't use multiple exclamation marks.
"another mans arms"
Use apostrophes for possessives.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5602468/1/Pokemon_A_World_Beyond
Waking up and eating breakfast: not actually that interesting.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Write out numbers with letters.
Trainers start at ten.
And is he supposed to be fifteen or sixteen?
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"Prof. Ken"
Starter professors have tree names. Deciduous trees, in particular.
"but you can’t enter any leagues unless you’re registered, and that won’t happen unless you take a starter with you "
No. Don't make up nonsensical rules. If you desperately want him to get a starter, just have him get a starter instead of him not wanting it.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5602709/1/Christmas_time
Capitalize your title properly.
And ugh, more Christmas fic. Look, any benefit you get by posting Christmas fic a few days before Christmas is completely outweighted by the fact there are a billion other Christmas fics that have already been posted.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Write out numbers with letters.
"Your" is the possessive form. "You're" means "you are".
And wow, the dialogue just keeps going and going. Look, if something isn't needed, cut it out.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5602964/1/An_adventure_through_Sinnoh
Capitalize your title properly.
It's "okay".
"just"
Spellcheck.
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
"It's going to be a challenge to mix in different types of characters coming in from other people's imagination. "
The point of writing a story is to write a story. It'd also be a challenge to write without using E, that doesn't mean it's actually a good idea.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5603499/1/End_Soul
"Johto is dying and it is intent on bringing every inhabitant down to its grave with it. As cities expand ever further and the human population spirals out of control "
...I think you're confused about what "dying" means.
"The three legendary beasts are wasting away, but they’re determined not to burn with the ruins of Johto. "
...why would they?
Look, I think I get the general shape of what you're trying to say, but what you're actually saying is that the land is dying out except for the fact the population is increasing except that everything's wasting away except that it's all going to burn.
If what you're getting at here is more "Well, shit, looks like we've polluted the world and we're all doomed" you don't want people still breeding like rabbits. You don't technically need a high population for cities to be chewing their way through land, you just need some reason people are abandoning the older sections. A sort of high-tech version of slash and burn farming, where they've reached some sort of tipping point and in order to just keep things stable they have to keep using more and more land.
"The place might be slower than you like "
Pace? Proofread.
...and your opening is indeed pretty slow-paced. Look, you've opened up by saying this is an apocalyptic nightmare world, you really don't want to lead with someone ruminating on whether or not they're reasonable.
"Homo sapiens sapiens are the most vile creatures this world have ever had the misfortune to house."
Eh, old news and really, not any more accurate than saying we've the most awesome species to ever appear. So we didn't do a great job at conservation. It's not like any other species ever did even that much. Even if we go with the idea pokemon are somehow naturally in tune with the environment, they're still just trying to preserve their own homes, not doing it out of a sense it's right.
"I had never met a race of creatures so obsessed, so consumed by themselves."
Cats.
I mean, a lot of species really, but - cats. Persian does not really strike me as selfless, what with the whole temperamental and lashing out for no reason. Then there's all the references to fighting types being obsessed with nothing but getting stronger. And all those pokemon that basically sit around in deep caves thinking until humans wander by.
"But destroying pokémon wasn’t enough for them. They had to start culling members of their own kind, casting out the runts and cripples, or the poor and elderly. Burdens, they called them, people that would get in the way of their supposed happiness, their pretty pennies. "
...aside from the fact this makes no psychological sense (human history having been one very long trip away from doing this), am I really supposed to believe pokemon are endlessly kind to those less fortunate? Pokemon, which are pretty much designed around the idea of fighting each other? Many of whom are carnivorous?
Also, I just don't get the continual harping about money. They're clearly nearing a post-scarcity economy.
"although the swarms of murkrow were also a hint. There were no worries that those pests would be crushed by the humans."
So pokemon are all kind and wonderful friends living in harmony with the environment and being killed off by evil humans, unless they're not failing Darwinism, in which case we hates them!
And now Raikou is explaining how it's wrong to kill by killing people in horrible ways.
Look, the writing of this is nice and the mechanics are great, but you really need to move beyond the noble wolf sort of thing. Having the legendaries pissed by what's happening, okay. Humans are destroying their world, no longer respecting their power and slowly killing them. That's a perfectly good setup. You don't need to go on to complain that also humans are just generally evil for not caring enough about the environment, and also death panels for the elderly because living in cities makes humans extra doubleplus evil. I mean, pokemon eat each other.
I'd also say you should spend less time on Raikou rambling and more on what this world actually looks like. That's a major draw of the genre. If the whole world's gone to hell, then the setting should be focused on, so first person rambles really don't work out as well. And if things haven't, well...If everything's great for humanity and the pokemon are just being whiny about it, then that's a lot less ominous than if everything's going to hell in a handbasket and everything people do to stave that off is ultimately making it worse. Maybe the reason they have massive farms is because it's getting steadily harder to grow food normally, and they need fancy automated enclosed areas with the perfect gas ratio and hydroponics just to grow anything, and even those places are failing. Maybe the reason the cities are expanding is that the older areas are becoming unlivable from toxins. Make humans an actual blight, not just Raikou being moralistic about how it's wrong to kill mareep, and you'd have a situation where purge by fire and lightning really does seem a good idea.
Look, is it really necessary to list every pokemon the different characters have? If it's going to come up, then surely it can be handled in the narration of the actual story?
"Now, this in plot is similar to Studio Ghibli’s Spirited Away. With, of course, Ikarishipping as it’s base!!!"
One of the great things about fanfic is that, since none of us are making money off it, we don't have to make pitches based on "like that other movie that made money!" to a bunch of soulless corporate drones to get the funding we need to actually produce anything. We can, you know, innovate. Which is a good thing to do, especially because you're writing in text and do not have beautiful visuals to fall back on.
"I would like to mention now, that this is NOT just a standalone. It’s part of a trilogy that I’ll be writing, this being the main or first story to it. Look at its title. “Götterdämmerung” is German, and it’s meaning is underneath the title. It does mean “The Twilight of the Gods” and so… yeah."
Uh. Götterdämmerung not so much a German word as it is a German creating a word to translate Ragnarök, and if you actually want a direct translation it's more "dawn/dusk of the gods" due to the word not specifying dawn or dusk. The whole "twilight of the gods" business came about because there's a similar word that means "twilight" and some linguists have argued that the two are related and in sum, no, final and unavoidable destiny by which we mean doom of the gods as expressed through an apocalyptic world-shattering conflict followed by the earth getting repopulated by two surviving humans (again). If you just think "Twilight of the Gods" sounds pretty then for god's sake use that. Especially for something that's meant to be the start of a series, not the ending piece.
If you actually wanted to be clever about the German, you could just use the dämmerung part and get a pun you can't do in English based on the fact you've got Dawn in this story. The only real reason to use other languages is for words that you can't get a perfect translation for.
Also, if someone can't guess götterdämmerung is a German word, they've got bigger issues. Seriously, götterdämmerung. Götterdämmerung. Just look at it. There are not many languages that will produce a word like that. If it was some lesser known similar language I could see explaining to people is _isn't_ actually German, but come on. Also, you know, it's posted on the internet, anyone legitimately confused could just go google it.
"Quiet, quiet, goes the night. Soft, sweet, wrapping the world in an evanescent blanket of twilight, for brief hours, before the sun rises, once again, to shine light upon the world."
Aside from how this is really trying too hard, no, night and twilight are not synonyms and don't become synonyms just because you're really pleased about a German word you heard somewhere.
Also, your tense is incredibly screwy.
"She could not see any light at the end of the tunnel, the cool summer breeze flitting through her hair carelessly, lifting the hem of her skirt lightly."
...what? Again, trying too hard. Either better connect ideas or split them into separate sentences. You do this a lot.
It's "okay", all four letters.
"It didn’t look crumbled, or ruined for that matter, which simply confused Dawn even more. Technically, this place probably shouldn’t exist. The buildings looked old, like they had been made sometime before people had become populous and in an era she had only read about in textbooks."
Aside from how awkwardly worded this is, it also doesn't make sense. Just because something's built in the past doesn't mean it spontaneously stops existing part a certain point. Places do eventually wear down, but if people are living there, they're quite able to repair them over time and there's no rule that every out of the way village has to modernize their houses. For that matter, it's perfectly normal to designate some areas to be preserved and deliberately avoid modernizing, or to decide to build a replica. She can think it's odd, but simply being old fashioned isn't the same as impossible.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"He had large, loose black pants, which hung past his shoes, which were a simple pair of… geta? (1)"
Don't do this.
Footnotes are so called because they're at the foot of a page and it's easy to glance down, read them, and glance back up. Endnotes are very different, and should generally not be used. Either don't use words you feel you need to explain, or in the space you're using to explain which pokemon the characters have and what your title means, add a note saying what geta is. If you absolutely must tell people about it when it comes up in your story, then put the note in parenthesis instead of a number. It's terrible writing but it's still a step up from this.
...also, you're using geta and trying to make this Japanese, but you're calling them Gods? Among other things, the only reason you even capitalize it God is because in English people tend to use the word as a name for their particular one. If you're referring to a god or some gods, it's written as such, just like with pokemon. And that's not even the best translation, and if you're going to translate anyway, you might as well just say Ash is wearing wooden sandals.
"Besides, I think she ran in the direction of Paul’s temple. (2)"
The only thing more annoying than translation endnotes is ones that have no obvious point at all. If there's anything important here, that's why narration exists.
...in fact, let's see what's so important you think people should scroll back and forth to see.
"1) Traditional Japanese footwear.
2) Yes… they live in temples. Lol.
3) I actually am not very fond of this book; I used to be until it became popular and everybody could not stop raving about it and I kind of got fed up with it. (And at re-reading it, I found numerous grammatical errors and an sign in a word. Like, what the hell??? DON’T THEY PROOFREAD?! //gets shot for being hypocritical//) But I just thought this was a very amusing little throw-in. Lol!
4) If you don’t know, this was featured as one of the older Pokemon episodes, with the tower and the crystal bells, and blah, blah, blah. If you want the name of the episode, uh it’s… (Has to search) Episode 229: For Ho-Oh The Bells Toll! (English title)"
My god do I hate you now.
"“So… where exactly is this?”
“It’s Twilight.” Paul responded, detached and still watching the window.
“What? Like the book?” (3)
“… What?”
“…Never mind.”
Dawn felt herself mentally smack herself. Paul offered no more information to where exactly this ‘Twilight’ was.
“Erm… so what exactly is Twilight?”
Paul felt himself sigh, “Twilight of the Gods. It’s where the Gods reside.”"
...yeah, I'm not going to be reading on.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5600955/1/Granted_a_solution
Capitalize your title properly.
Strictly speaking, it's "blonde" for girls.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Thoughts use the same punctuation rules. Also, don't use ' for thoughts, it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse. As long as you put a "he thought" at the end you generally don't need any markers, anyway.
On the brighter side you're not capitalizing pokemon, which is always nice to see, and your writing is otherwise good.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5601051/1/The_eeveeloution_story
Capitalize your title properly.
Also, as "evolution" is spelled as such, it'd be "eeveelution", no extra O.
"so please bare with me! "
Bare = naked.
Bear = carry, or the large furry animal, or tolerate/support, which is what you meant here.
"Team Galactics "
Galactic's. Apostrophe for possessive.
"croagunkran "
Proofread.
"openned "
Spellcheck.
"A couple of scraps"
Scrapes. With an e.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
In sum, proofreading is extremely important and you need to do that.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5601229/1/A_Quest_For_Past_Memories
Write out numbers with letters.
"This is my revamp. My characters are the same, yet with more flaws and more traits. They are not Mary Sue characters."
See, that's one of those easier said than done things. A lot of times, a badly written character isn't bad simply because they're flawless, or even because they're one-dimensional, it's because they tend to break rules of the world.
"I was kidnapped at two and had yet to learn my middle and last name. Fortunately I had a locket with my initials or I would only know me as Sydney. "
"I can tell you I was kidnapped by Team Rocket and they worked me and tortured me for five years until the place where I was kept was found by police. Unfortunately for me, I had no idea who my parents were. "
Yeah, so that's not how society works. Kids aren't kidnapped every other week. If there's a kidnapped kid, there's a record of it. If you later find a kidnapped kid, you compare it with the records. If the kid knows their name, initials or has some sort of identifying item, it's even easier.
Next, that's not how Team Rocket works, as they are busy people and have better things to do than kidnap two year olds for the lulz. And if they were I don't see why they'd let one keep a locket.
"So for the first six months, I was placed into five homes. Why so many homes? Well I had a bad time with rules, especially ones that kept me locked up or without food as punishment. So I ran away. A lot. 37 times to be exact. "
Next up, someone who's been kidnapped and tortured until age seven should not consider missing supper some horrible punishment and should be absolutely terrified of getting kidnapped by Team Rocket again if they go out. While they would certainly have issues, "I hate rules because I'm a headstrong moron" would not really be one, nor should the average restrictions even register for a kid who's been kidnapped and tortured for most of their life.
Nor could you even put such a person in a normal foster home. They'd probably need special care just to learn to talk properly.
Remember what I said above about breaking world rules? This is doing it in spades.
First off, why Team Rocket? There's really no profit in it. If a kid's going to get kidnapped it'd be by some individual psycho. If they're targeting her to get back at someone, the proper thing to do is just kill her, because she's too much trouble to actually bother to keep around.
Next, why age two? Kids at age two can barely talk. They are not going to come out of this anywhere near functional. Kids don't have good memories, especially under stress - she could easily be five and still not remember her last name.
Third, have you at all considered how a kid like this would act? Because she's sounding like a standard bitchy sue, not a traumatized kid.
And does she really need a locket? I assume you have some reason for wanting her to know her initials, but it's horribly cliché and should be avoided if possible.
Finally, about those initials...you're saying this was originally called The Story of Sydney Ketchum. And OCs randomly related to CCs is another of those bad signs. There's nothing in her backstory so far to suggest there's anything added by making her a Ketchum.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"Since I am ten that could mean a lot of things. I am a double digit now and I am going on a Pokemon Journey. Thats right, they trust the runaway on her own. "
Standard. Bitchy. Sue. Seriously. No sign of any trauma or fear Team Rocket will come back and torture them again. Instead, we're being told that somehow the fact she likes to run away is somehow relevant to letting her leave. That's like saying "That's right, they let the kid who skips school drop out." The facts aren't really connected, and what little they do have in common contradicts the point.
"I was putting my dark gray newsboy hat on that went with my blue blouse and dark gray knee length skirt "
Okay, you get credit for not giving her some gaudy outfit, but PANTS. You wear PANTS.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
"The only one beating me here was a kid named Terry. He was a tad bit taller than me with brown hair and blue eyes. He had been the only one ahead of me in Cerulean's Academy of Pokemon Scholars and Trainers. I knew one day I would show him. "
See, one of the things I really hate is people spending all this time setting up a speshul backstory full of plot holes and nonsense, only to refuse to take any of it into account for the rest of the story. This is standard petty bullshit I could find in any generic trainerfic. If you want to write generic trainerfic, you don't need to waste my time with a pity party backstory.
"You see those three balls? Normally, I give trainers a Squirtle or Bulbasaur or Charmander. However, today, the breeders decided I could give out Eevee instead."
...so close.
Saying the starter is eevee: okay. Overdone, but okay.
Saying that the starter is not eevee, but because it's YOUR CHARACTER they're handing out eevee: so very not okay.
Finally, nothing relevant actually happened here.
Look, there are thousands of OT fics around with the standard first pokemon chapter. You don't need to rehash it. No, not even if you're changing something like getting an eevee, as that's something that can be covered in a one line later explanation. You can jump straight to the first actual thing happening.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5601443/1/Picking_up_the_Pieces
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"Not a great combination if you were neurotic, shy, had a slightly below average memory, though he was by no means stupid, and what the others in the town believed to be aspergers, though they weren’t sure.
If you’d gone back around two years, you’d see a healthy young boy gradually turning into this."
...you don't "turn into" having aspergers.
"His father wanted to come home, but the only way to keep the family fed and looked after was the job in the other region Alex had never heard of. "
Well, he's surely heard of it if his dad was working there before this whole thing began.
...Elm is not a medical doctor. You don't call him over because your kid is sick.
It's "okay", all four letters.
...and why hasn't his mom taken him out, especially seeing as she seems to live at home and do nothing but take care of him?
And why is there no real explanation of what nebulous "illnesses" he has?
This isn't the standard plotline of most of the fics in the category, but different isn't enough all by itself. This story doesn't seem to hang together, it's more like you had an idea and are trying to navigate the characters around for its sake.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5601572/1/After_Hoenn_The_Journey_of_Faith
Don't open with a list of ages. If it's relevant you can mention it in the story itself.
"It had been three years since that fateful day, her wedding to the coordinator, and she wished she could just take it back. "
It's called a divorce. You may have heard of it.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
...he's really not looking all that controlling. Is asking if someone bought things controlling these days?
"Far away, in the desert of Orre, a man walked through the streets.
He had a mane of black hair, grown long from years of neglect, coming up to being compared to a lion‘s mane. His eyes were fierce, intense from the years of training, the color of night. His face was built along the lines of a trainer, for that was what he was.
Ash had long since discarded the ridiculous hat he had worn for many years. His attire was more in tune with a rouge. He now wore a red vest, jackets in Orre were considered useless. His muscles had long before grown in bulk, giving him the physique of a movie star. He wore a v-neck white shirt under the vest, with a little necklace tied around his neck.
His pants had not changed, he still wore the same brand he had always donned, but now they were colored black. Steeled-toed boots were worn in place of sneakers, and he now had on different gloves, black and reaching to halfway up his forearm.
He was very intimidating, and everyone treated him with the utmost respect, he had a team that could kill."
I'm thinking you were going for drama here, but I LOLed. Kind of a problem.
This is just so over the top it's impossible to take seriously.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5601609/1/Pokemon_Journies
You misspelled "journeys".
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and "Sinnoh".
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
You're jumping between past and present tense. Don't do that.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Anyway, this is really rushed and needs to be better developed. Take more time, add in detail, check out what other writers are doing.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5601763/1/The_Flaming_Prodigy
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Okay, look. You're doing a really good job of describing this battle. The problem is that battles aren't actually that interesting. Yeah, I know, counter-intuitive, but pokemon battles are not exactly high-stakes things. They're cool visually, but that kind of thing is hard to translate into text. Once you establish the rest of the story, people can get invested in your battles, but it's just not a good thing to open on.
"Cinder Flair"
Don't do this.
And finally we reach the actual plot. And it's honestly looking promising - there's something wrong with her pokemon, she's dropping out, all sorts of interesting ways it could go from here. But really, you didn't need a huge battle leading up to a cliffhanger. You could have established that then started on whatever your actual story is.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5601774/1/What_do_the_Roses_Mean
Look, it's not poetry just because you hit enter in the middle of sentences and remove a couple periods.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5602104/1/For_Fear_of_Zubat
Chapters need to be longer than two paragraphs. Yes, even if you're calling it a prologue.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5602105/1/Pokemon_Island_Academy
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5602221/1/Emerald_version_Rewritten
Capitalize your title properly.
"I decided to write a fanfic following Emerald's story line, with original characters. It's not very creative, but I thought I would like to write something following Emerald version's story line with a couple twists of my own. Oh, and by the way, the character names are my little brother's ideas. "
You're really trying very hard to convince me not to keep reading, aren't you?
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Look, the standard overdone opening is not improved by having idiots babbling about nothing interesting during it.
Don't use multiple exclamation marks.
Don't put author's notes in the story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5602242/1/Soul_Mates
"AN: Okay! So this chapter is going to be REALLY short, cause I ran out of ideas and I was trying to finish the other stories. Well.. sorry, but I'll fix this chapter, but for now, here you go! :) "
I'm going to tell you a big secret: you don't actually have to post everything the instant you're halfway finished with it. In fact, you really shouldn't.
Write out numbers with letters.
NEVER WRITE DIALOGUE AND THOUGHTS THE SAME WAY. EVER.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5602294/1/Toil_and_Strife
Don't capitalize random words.
Don't use multiple exclamation marks.
"another mans arms"
Use apostrophes for possessives.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5602468/1/Pokemon_A_World_Beyond
Waking up and eating breakfast: not actually that interesting.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Write out numbers with letters.
Trainers start at ten.
And is he supposed to be fifteen or sixteen?
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"Prof. Ken"
Starter professors have tree names. Deciduous trees, in particular.
"but you can’t enter any leagues unless you’re registered, and that won’t happen unless you take a starter with you "
No. Don't make up nonsensical rules. If you desperately want him to get a starter, just have him get a starter instead of him not wanting it.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5602709/1/Christmas_time
Capitalize your title properly.
And ugh, more Christmas fic. Look, any benefit you get by posting Christmas fic a few days before Christmas is completely outweighted by the fact there are a billion other Christmas fics that have already been posted.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Write out numbers with letters.
"Your" is the possessive form. "You're" means "you are".
And wow, the dialogue just keeps going and going. Look, if something isn't needed, cut it out.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5602964/1/An_adventure_through_Sinnoh
Capitalize your title properly.
It's "okay".
"just"
Spellcheck.
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
"It's going to be a challenge to mix in different types of characters coming in from other people's imagination. "
The point of writing a story is to write a story. It'd also be a challenge to write without using E, that doesn't mean it's actually a good idea.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5603499/1/End_Soul
"Johto is dying and it is intent on bringing every inhabitant down to its grave with it. As cities expand ever further and the human population spirals out of control "
...I think you're confused about what "dying" means.
"The three legendary beasts are wasting away, but they’re determined not to burn with the ruins of Johto. "
...why would they?
Look, I think I get the general shape of what you're trying to say, but what you're actually saying is that the land is dying out except for the fact the population is increasing except that everything's wasting away except that it's all going to burn.
If what you're getting at here is more "Well, shit, looks like we've polluted the world and we're all doomed" you don't want people still breeding like rabbits. You don't technically need a high population for cities to be chewing their way through land, you just need some reason people are abandoning the older sections. A sort of high-tech version of slash and burn farming, where they've reached some sort of tipping point and in order to just keep things stable they have to keep using more and more land.
"The place might be slower than you like "
Pace? Proofread.
...and your opening is indeed pretty slow-paced. Look, you've opened up by saying this is an apocalyptic nightmare world, you really don't want to lead with someone ruminating on whether or not they're reasonable.
"Homo sapiens sapiens are the most vile creatures this world have ever had the misfortune to house."
Eh, old news and really, not any more accurate than saying we've the most awesome species to ever appear. So we didn't do a great job at conservation. It's not like any other species ever did even that much. Even if we go with the idea pokemon are somehow naturally in tune with the environment, they're still just trying to preserve their own homes, not doing it out of a sense it's right.
"I had never met a race of creatures so obsessed, so consumed by themselves."
Cats.
I mean, a lot of species really, but - cats. Persian does not really strike me as selfless, what with the whole temperamental and lashing out for no reason. Then there's all the references to fighting types being obsessed with nothing but getting stronger. And all those pokemon that basically sit around in deep caves thinking until humans wander by.
"But destroying pokémon wasn’t enough for them. They had to start culling members of their own kind, casting out the runts and cripples, or the poor and elderly. Burdens, they called them, people that would get in the way of their supposed happiness, their pretty pennies. "
...aside from the fact this makes no psychological sense (human history having been one very long trip away from doing this), am I really supposed to believe pokemon are endlessly kind to those less fortunate? Pokemon, which are pretty much designed around the idea of fighting each other? Many of whom are carnivorous?
Also, I just don't get the continual harping about money. They're clearly nearing a post-scarcity economy.
"although the swarms of murkrow were also a hint. There were no worries that those pests would be crushed by the humans."
So pokemon are all kind and wonderful friends living in harmony with the environment and being killed off by evil humans, unless they're not failing Darwinism, in which case we hates them!
And now Raikou is explaining how it's wrong to kill by killing people in horrible ways.
Look, the writing of this is nice and the mechanics are great, but you really need to move beyond the noble wolf sort of thing. Having the legendaries pissed by what's happening, okay. Humans are destroying their world, no longer respecting their power and slowly killing them. That's a perfectly good setup. You don't need to go on to complain that also humans are just generally evil for not caring enough about the environment, and also death panels for the elderly because living in cities makes humans extra doubleplus evil. I mean, pokemon eat each other.
I'd also say you should spend less time on Raikou rambling and more on what this world actually looks like. That's a major draw of the genre. If the whole world's gone to hell, then the setting should be focused on, so first person rambles really don't work out as well. And if things haven't, well...If everything's great for humanity and the pokemon are just being whiny about it, then that's a lot less ominous than if everything's going to hell in a handbasket and everything people do to stave that off is ultimately making it worse. Maybe the reason they have massive farms is because it's getting steadily harder to grow food normally, and they need fancy automated enclosed areas with the perfect gas ratio and hydroponics just to grow anything, and even those places are failing. Maybe the reason the cities are expanding is that the older areas are becoming unlivable from toxins. Make humans an actual blight, not just Raikou being moralistic about how it's wrong to kill mareep, and you'd have a situation where purge by fire and lightning really does seem a good idea.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2009-12-25 08:26 am (UTC)Dawn felt herself mentally smack herself.
Paul felt himself sigh
This is really creepy. No one ever does anything. They just feel themselves do things.
no subject
Date: 2009-12-25 02:22 pm (UTC)And yeah, narration fail. You know, after Marty, I start to really wonder at what different stories start out as before being redone for FFN compliance and if that's behind a lot of the weirdness. In this case...looks kind of like RP style writing.
no subject
Date: 2009-12-25 02:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-25 03:34 pm (UTC)Ack, fixed. That happens a lot, actually - I'm copy-pasting both reviews and links, so sometimes I'll think I copied the link for the next story and end up getting the review for the last one.