NaRe, Day Five
Apr. 5th, 2010 09:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farla
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5868388/1/Destiny_has_a_way_of_being_copyrighted
Capitalize your title properly.
[Hey again, now I know my spelling ain't that good]
No excuse.
[Also I tend to switch From 3rd person to 1st person sometimes ]
THEN FIX IT.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
[Manny years ago]
Proofread.
[There existed a creature so powerful, so strong, that all the legendaries had to come together just to trap it. Its name was Torchika (Tor-chi-ka) ]
No. Make up your own name.
["Ever wonder why your last name is 'Lastchild' Nari?" asked the principal. She shrugged and sat down "Not really, it's just a name, a last name." and suddenly her hands were in metal clasps, tied to the chair. She gasped. "Well it is convenient that you are the last child we need for Team Unity's plans. And she put a rag on Nari's face, making her started to fall to sleep ]
This is stupid.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5868429/1/A_Spiritual_Bonding
Ugh. Look, endlessly recapping the same basic creation myth is tiresome. In the unlikely event you have a particular twist you need to insert into an area - and please note "so I feel like it should go this exact way instead of that exact way, which does not in any way matter ever" is not a twist - then you want to skim over the rest so it's not lost in the morass of endless listing of spirit upon spirit upon spirit or only include that part of the story, treating your readers as if they are not braindead morons who can't be expected to fill in "Arceus did it" at the top, and generally, you don't need it at all. All it accomplished here was getting me to skip to the end to see if anything mattered, only to find out _you spent two thousand words to say Darkrai is bad and that people don't trust dark types because of it_. That is about eighteen thousand more words than you needed to write or I needed to read.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5868756/1/100_Themes_Challange
Spell your title correctly.
[My expressionless green eyes revealed the anger I felt.]
No, they didn't. Because they were expressionless. Your writing is generally sloppy, but this is inexcusable.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
And why doesn't she attack? You say she's readying a confuse ray, and he's got her by her tail, and she turns around to...yell at him because we all know girls are pathetic and ineffectual?
And now it's a random shinx with bonus random Japanese.
Also, it's typo-ridden. Proofread better.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5868810/1/The_Adventure_Begins
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and "Sinnoh". "Saga" similarly comes in at a hundred.
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
[raping a soft, white towel]
No.
[I pulled my IPod out and pressed play, *the girl next door" by Saving Jane started to play. ]
The degree to which this does not matter can only be properly expressed in reference to your decision to include the actual lyrics next paragraph - as that is surely the nadir of irrelevance, I must grudgingly admit this is merely negative infinity plus one.
In sum: DON'T DO THIS.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Do not capitalize other random words.
You never use an apostrophe for a plural.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, not mom. It's only in constructions like my/her/the mom that it's written as such.
Write out numbers with letters.
"Hear" has to do with sound, "here" with location.
Do not fail to capitalize random words either.
[My face fell when he said that "But professor! There must be another pokemon left!" I yelled desperately.
I saw him mutter to himself, he turned back to me and said "Well there is one pokemon left but I'm not sur-"]
Omg leik Ash boy no one's ever thought to do that before!!! Maybe it could be a pikachu and hate pokeballs too??????
[I pulled his poke ball and pointed it at him. Thunder yelped and shook his head "Pikachu! Pikachu!" he yelled covering his head with his paws.
"Wait...you don't like poke balls?" i asked]
I WAS BEING SARCASTIC.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5868947/1/Davids_Sinnoh_and_Johto_Journey
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and "Sinnoh". "Saga" similarly comes in at a hundred.
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
Okay, so this is pretty much terrible and also reads like you started off in script format and just used find-replace to change colons into says. Get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5869256/1/Stardust_In_My_Eyes
[The ability to raise a human child from birth until adulthood in a space station laboratory would do wonders for the scientific industry, and possibly change the course of evolution for humanity forever. ]
Unless that's a euphemism for "space, being outside legal jurisdictions, does not have any restrictions on human experimentation and we're gonna be experimenting the fuck out of anything we get our hands on", uh, no, science does not need to know how babby is formed IN SPACE and the scientific industry would really rather not blow their limited resources raising a bunch of bratlings for twenty years before they get any return when they can get already educated adults.
And it's random pointless filler dialogue. Look, if it adds nothing to the story, it shouldn't be there.
[peice]
SPELLCHECK.
...and now people have randomly decided not to be trainers, possibly because you have equally randomly decided that everyone thinks space is cool.
Okay, look. So you went on a class trip or something and learned about space stations. That's nice. That doesn't mean you have to write a story where half the characters, supposed adults, keep going on about it as if being an astronaut is just the coolest thing ever, except maybe being a fireman or a doctor!
Turned out this one I'm blocked from reviewing. The name seems familiar, so I assume I've reviewed them before.
But seriously. Make babby IN SPACE.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5869265/1/Dazing
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Thoughts follow the same rules, minus the quotation marks.
Anyway, this is the standard Character A walks up to Character B and announces they're in love, followed by kissing, which is pretty dull.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5869374/1/Desperate_Times
Huh, this seems to be going somewhere interesting.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5869403/1/Pokemon_Adventures
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and "Sinnoh". "Saga" similarly comes in at a hundred.What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Write out numbers with letters.
No one cares what brand your character wears.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Anyway, this is pretty much the usual opening, although to your credit you did have something actually going on during the standard professor visit.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5869438/1/Pokemon_SeaBlue
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and "Sinnoh". "Saga" similarly comes in at a hundred.
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
[Trainers in this story get their license between 10-14. ]
I don't know why people are so insistent on inventing new plot holes just to justify older trainers. So, are you saying that no one's allowed to have a license once they turn fifteen, or that if you don't apply for one before your fifteenth birthday you can never be a trainer?
[Also, most of the plot is kept from FireRed and LeafGreen, however I changed up some of it, like how the trainers can start off with more then one Pokemon as long as it is from home ]
Or why they go on about "changing" stuff when game canon is that you can have whatever pokemon you like at whatever age you like and the professor only gives the player character a pokemon for a particular reason.
When used in place of a name, it's written Dad, not dad. It's only in constructions like my/her/the dad that it's written as such.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[Chickorita ]
If you don't know how to spell a pokemon's name, look it up.
So, basically, this chapter didn't really introduce anything important and you could have easily skipped over the whole thing without anyone missing out. I don't know why people are so certain that readers desperately need to see them actually get the pokeball handed over.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5869481/1/Pokemon_Mystery_Dungeon_Red_Rescue_Team
Do you have any idea how many fanfics use the same title? Admittedly it's fitting that your title imply this is another cookie-cutter PMD fic and warn off readers. Truth in advertising.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5869501/1/When_Two_Worlds_Collide
Use punctuation.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5869549/1/End_Game
Huh.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Your dialogue seems basically correct, although you need to cut back on your ellipsis use. Kind of meh on the automatic assumption the trainer's a guy - bad enough by itself when there are plenty of female trainers, but with a name like Jade you have to really stretch for your first impulse to be "he". I'd think the real issue would be that she seems to be a kid.
The writing itself is pretty good. Not sure what to make of Jade herself - right now she has an ominous amount of special, so it'd depend on if it stays like that or if next chapter adds another list of ways Jade is unique and awesome and surprising others with how unique and awesome she is.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5869573/1/Kalpa_Pokemon_Odyssey_of_Fate
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
[It was enough to drop a pin needle and the needle would be the only thing that would make a loud noise aside from the hums of the machines. ]
Your wording is generally forced and awkward. Focus on writing clearly. And get a beta.
[He was holding the prototype pokeball in his hand due to the fact his curious and inquisitive nature compelled him to hold the device. ]
This is ridiculous and I'm going to just stop reading now.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5869607/1/The_One_Who_Saved_the_World_from_Ash
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Mighteyenas]
First, if you're not sure how it's spelled, look it up. Second, for christ's sake how can you not know how hyena is spelled? Like half the words are some sort of bizarre phonic alternative spelling. When people screw those up you can at least sort of see where the problem came from. This is just might + hyena. Those are both words. You know how to spell them. Why does dropping a letter throw a wrench in the whole thing?
[A young man ran across the streets of Virdian City. Above him hovered a helicopter, casting its shadow across the city. The young man let out a shriek before he was taken down. Life was like this, in the new world of Pokemon. There was one monarch, Ash Ketchum, who rose to power and became a dictator. Anyone who rose against him, endeavored to rise to power, did suspicious work, was arrested. Ash was the one and only ruler of the world. ]
Spellcheck. Also, this is ridiculously melodramatic.
[She was adopted by an abusive man, who forced her to do chores.]
Oh no, not chores!
Anyway, you're violating show-don't-tell left and right. Most of this is just summarizing events rather than having them take place.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5869662/1/Silent_Shadows
Yeah, this could stand to be better developed. It feels rushed, and it's full of your character Just Knowing stuff left and right. While this is most obvious in stuff like [Something about him seems... suspicious. Evil, even. He's power-obsessed and greedy, by the looks of it.], that's hardly the only time, and really, I'd say the parts like [A small electronic object catches my gaze. I swipe it and put it in my pants pocket, thinking it might be useful later. ] or his whole randomly knowing to leave are really worse. I don't know why the amnesiac is such a popular character when authors inevitably have them already familiar with everything.
Oh, and [I fling another ice beam at the wall and I jump through the hole it leaves.]? Yeah, I don't think encasing the wall in a second wall of ice is going to make a hole.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5869721/1/Pokemon_Tale_of_Evolution
Writing pokemon fanfiction means your readers are familiar with pokemon means you don't need to tell them what pokemon are means stop with the filler already. Literally recapping the opening of the games is even dumber.
A chapter should not be four paragraphs long.
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5869952/1/Shadows_of_the_Past
[Gonzap was in no way a normal human being. His torso muscles were double the normal size and his long, wiry eyebrows and mustache were mysteries in themselves. Coupled with his glare-prone shave (read: bald), he was more intimidating through weirdness than any danger or macho factor. ]
Because everyone else looks so normal.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Team Snagem, an organization he had created to "liberate" Pokémon from their "cruel and abusive" trainers. That was what he told his recruits, anyway. ]
Look, this is stupid. Even stupider than if Team Rocket or somebody like that was doing it. Of all the groups, Snagem is the one defined by being explicitly abusive and doing horrible experiments to pokemon. It'd be like the mob recruiting people on the basis that it's important to follow the law: anybody who'd actually do what they want would never sign up in the first place, and everyone they got would promptly run to the authorities to report them.
I get the sinking feeling this is some attempt to make it so you can turn Wes into a plaster saint.
[He never failed; whatever Pokémon he was ordered to "save", he "saved". Sometimes, his conscience would ask if he was truly in the right. However, the celebration he received back at the base tended to wipe such thoughts from his mind. Still, he never forgot the faces of those people – some angry, some shocked, all heartbroken. Then he reminded himself of what those people were "really like", and the qualms went away again. ]
Sometimes I hate being right. Going to just stop reading here. At least you seem to be writing the dialogue correctly.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5870106/1/The_Legendary_Sword_of_Madar
[Time period: 1000 years in the past before, in the Pokémon world. ]
[its towers handmade out of brick]
[withstood many a legendary battles]
[This leader; the mighty ruler: King Darrion; he was a tall lanky guy with broad shoulders and a stern look.]
[A short and plumpy kind of person with tangled brown hair and baggy clothes who wore socks in his sandals came up to the king and bowed (panting heavily)]
So basically, this is terrible. Get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5870126/1/A_Pokemons_Journal
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[When I was turned into a Pokemon, their language as well as their writing came naturally to me after a couple good hints. However, I do not want Pokemon with evil intention to be looking through my records. ]
Humans with evil intent are fine, though.
Also, your wording is incredibly awkward. Get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5870987/1/Meaningless
[White.
All he could see was white. Somewhere, it registered in his mind that he was standing on top of a mountain in the middle of a large snowstorm. But he couldn't focus on the cold and biting wind.
Red wanted to see something more than the color white.
He lowered his head to rest his eyes on his lower body; a body that was cloaked with colors. But the colors he so desperately needed to see were clouded in a blur of white.
Symbolism, one should call it.]
I'd go so far as to call it belabored, honestly. I think you have a decent enough idea here, but rather than develop it properly you exaggerated it so it'd sound all metaphorical and deep and symbolic.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5871004/1/Infinity_Battles_Return
...he's seriously randomly getting a starter just for showing up in the region, from a professor named Pine of all things? And they're fakemon? Even though description apparently ran over your dog and the story is almost entirely just dialogue, so no one has any idea what they actually look like or why anyone should care?
Another block! Don't recognize the name, unfortunately.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5871083/1/The_first_inmortal_Killer
Awful. Your title is spelled and capitalized wrong, your chapter should be longer than a single paragraph, and your story isn't.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5871205/1/Bouquet
[I stood there, near the water's edge of the Lake of Rage, as I sighted a red-headed male head towards me. At first glance, I believed it to be Silver, with my careless assumption that only he had scarlet hair out of all other humans on this planet, but, not only did I notice height difference, there was a Dragonite by this trainer's side as well. And, it was worthy to note his cape, which Silver lacked, but would look ridiculous on him nevertheless if he was donning it. ]
Good god is this overwritten. This in moderation would be fine, but this much just looks forced, especially when you seem to be getting tripped up in your own sentences. You've made several grammar errors just in the opening of your story.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Use said. Seriously, won't bite, lovely word, generally more appropriate for the sentence than whatever word you're using in its place.
[What a sad poet I'll make. I could only see, only fabricate hopeless fantasies, or twist reality and warp it into them, that which made me crestfallen to realize they didn't exist. ]
Really can't be said too much that trying to sound smart tends to backfire.
...what is too long is the massive author's note between the end of your story and the end of the page, which for some reason you decided needed to have every other line as a separate paragraph to make sure it took up as much space as possible.
Also?
[8) I was originally writing this for myself as a birthday present –my B-day was April 1st— but I missed publishing this by a landslide, so I ended up not including Lance wishing Kotone a happy birthday. (That's what the bouquet was meant for initially)]
The hell is wrong with you?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5871464/1/Two_Trainers
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Also you don't need spaces on either side of a period, and generally your mechanics are abysmal and you need to try harder.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5871127/1/Skye
Huh. So I assume the errors in the opening section are to indicate it's their writing, only they're errors that generally only show up when typing, and the sort of people who don't use apostrophes probably aren't going to be spelling their words properly.
[On any given day, the structure's height stretched so far up that it would graze the clouds. From up there, one could have said that standing on the top of the tower was like standing on top of the world but unfortunately, this could not possibly be confirmed as no such being had ever entered the tower, well, except for a certain few. ]
Okay, look. If your train of thought gets lost like this, just edit, don't keep going trying to add on clarifications and exceptions.
[odious yellow eyes]
And you were doing so decently at the whole balance between no description and crazy description.
[A grim expression quickly transpired upon his face.]
Really?
Basically, you really need to smooth/simplify much of your wording. You should use the best word for the job, even if there's another one that's rarer or longer.
Aside from such wording issues, this is pretty good, though. Not quite sure what's going on yet, but it's definitely something that looks interesting.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5871927/1/Glitch
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, not mom. It's only in constructions like my/her/the mom that it's written as such.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Anyway.
An interesting idea, but the continued references to Arceus are jarring - not only in that this is Kanto, but it's something that's only accessible in the very first set of games. Also, since your portrayal of Red has him clearly nuts, it doesn't make sense his mother would go to Oak instead of an actual doctor. To consult with Oak would make more sense if she thought Red was just acting only, or perhaps was stressed over a pokemon/being a trainer, but Red's rambling about people on roofs has nothing to do with that and also indicates he's straight up crazy.
["Smell ya later then."]
While I get that you want to make references, if you're trying to make people care about the death of a videogame character, you really want to pay attention to your tone.
I think the concept of this is pretty good, particularly the ending and the substory of Oak's investigation is done well, but Red's mother's characterization makes no sense, which is particularly problematic when she's needed to bridge the gap between Red's problem and Oak discovering it.
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Date: 2010-04-06 01:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-06 03:35 pm (UTC)...Come to think of it, I'm not sure if it even said the space station was in zero-G.