NaRe, Day Thirteen
Apr. 13th, 2010 11:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/5889012/1/Parts_of_a_Whole
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
Similarly issues apply to the character dreaming about a battle, watching a battle, or opening with a future scene of them battling.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Trainers start at ten.
Thoughts follow the same punctuation/capitalization rules as dialogue.
[Andrew's mom was a very nice lady, a mom who cared for the well being of her son. ]
Her only real failing was that she had no name.
[Although Andrew had inherited his mother's auburn eyes, it was because of his dad that got him his current looks. The married couple didn't fight for the majority of their time since tying the knot, and had a happy marriage with their son. ]
Your wording is awkward. "it was because of his dad that got" is particularly bad.
["Good morning Andrew." His mother asked. ]
Asked him good morning?
[The caring mother]
[The youngster]
[the boy]
[the lady said ]
Pick one epithet and stick with it. One _normal_ one.
[he complains ]
Don't switch between tenses.
[The boy was deciding whether or not to purchase the groceries first or to see the professor first. On the current location where he was standing, the research lab seemed to be closer than the local grocery store, the 'Pick n' Go', which was on the way back home, so it would be logical to go to the lab first. One would wonder why he still had to decide which one to go first, considering that he lived in this town for twelve years now, but Andrew was not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed. Fortunately, he concluded that he should make his way to the research lab, and did so by taking a left. ]
What was the point of this whole paragraph?
["Where is the senior?" ]
What?
Why is he even bothering the professor in the first place?
[Yes, I know, the chapter was fairly slow paced, but this chapter was written to introduce Andrew as the main protagonist and his character. ]
Yeah, you didn't need any of that. "Introduce" doesn't mean "paragraph upon meaningless paragraph of your character running around eating breakfast, getting groceries and talking about how much he wants a pokemon". If it's irrelevant to the plotline it shouldn't be there. If his day is perfectly normal then that's not something you should be spending time on. Your story presumably has a plot, that's where you should be focusing on.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5889108/1/The_world_divided_season_1_Jakes_victory_march
Capitalize your title properly.
Okay, so it'd really be a lot better if your history was a bit more advanced than just "out of oil, suddenly WAR, suddenly cheap energy solutions that ends war". If they're actually out of oil, it'd be pretty hard to field an army. And it's really unlikely companies would solve the problem (war being profitable) and not, say, something government funded. They do exist, you know.
And cold fission? You do realize that nuclear power plants are steam power using nuclear reactions instead of coal for heat. Cold fission would be kind of like using coal that didn't produce heat when it burned. Cold fission means it's not spewing out radiation, means it's not heating water, means it's useless. You might mean a nuclear power plant operating at lower temperatures than our current ones, but that wouldn't do much to alter the actual energy crisis one way or another since it's just a matter of using nuclear energy - if anything, I'd expect the cooler plants to be producing less power, since they aren't able to heat water as well. Whether or not the plants are particularly safe is not the same thing as an actual energy crisis.
Plus you do realize it's incredibly ironic to moralize about running out of fossil fuels and then make the solution be any sort of nuclear energy. Oil may not be renewable on any sane timescale, but it's a pretty big step up from radioactive elements, given that we started with a set amount, it's vanishing over time naturally, and nuclear reactors use it up faster. (And methane is honestly a bit more renewable than we'd like.)
You sure you don't mean cold fusion here?
[A new hope lit in people's hearts. Refugees, soldiers and just normal people started gathering around Neucom corporation. Neucom committee of directors under the control of enigmatic CEO Vincent Dision agreed to give people energy in exchange for their loyalty to Neucom inc. ]
So the governments are able to wage war on countries, but somehow can't just take over a company?
[Soon on the shatters of old countries new superpowers have grown around corporations: the Ulesian union, the federal republic of Emmeria and the democratic republic of Aurelia. ]
Look, I get that corporations taking over is a distopia staple, but you can't just say "and then it happened". If you want the corporations in charge, it'd make more sense for them to have been at the forefront this whole time - the corporations are the ones encouraging the wars, they have their own private armies securing resources in smaller, weaker countries, and and they steadily get more and more power so that by the time cold whichever research is finished, the governments simply aren't there to take it over.
(And if the companies have taken over, why would they still have those kinds of governments?)
You're also unclear if the other companies have access to to the magic reactors. If so, how'd they get them? If not, how can they function?
[Every nation now was having a corporatocracy ]
It's called corporatism, actually.
[Not forgetting old offenses three superpowers developed many ways of killing each other. ]
Uh, the world just kind of collapsed. Shouldn't they be busy consolidating their power and rearranging things to better fit their local interests first? I mean, I'm sure they'd try to expand eventually, but it shouldn't be their immediate impulse.
And killing "each other"? That's kind of nationalist. A corporate-centered viewpoint should see the people, like the territory, as things to acquire.
[As a perfect example each nation created its own flag super weapon. Probably that is the only reason why all sides were at a draw. There is actually a 5-year peace treaty now but it's probably the calm before the storm. ]
Er, not really how wartime development goes. If their weapon was deployed, it's being reverse engineered as soon as the first one falls into the other side's hands. And wartime development tends to involve a lot of new things being invented and sent out, not superweapons appearing fulling formed and then everyone pointing it at each other and calling it a draw.
Nuclear bombs were a fluke, and even then, they didn't cause a draw. What caused a draw was the really lucky circumstance of only one side having the super weapon, the war ending, then other countries developing their own but no one wanting to start a war and get bombed back after seeing what the bombs did.
[Despite the big hatred among the nations there is still a huge area where the war has never been. ]
So then why did people have no choice but to join the corporations? Why didn't everyone run there the moment the oil ran out and their civilization started crashing? Also, why didn't the assholes there try to help out when they saw that the other half of the world was falling to pieces and people were dying?
[A strict pact of not attacking that territory was made. ]
Once again, you can't just say this, you have to explain why.
[However only few could afford to get there as the currency course between any nation and "Poke world" is extremely high (as a result of the latest war). ]
That doesn't make any sense. Exchange rates shouldn't prevent people from jumping the border. Now, if they're getting deported afterward, sure. But all exchange rates would mean is that immigrants would have to get jobs there and work their way up, which is kind of how it is normally.
[But that wouldn't be such a big problem if not another reason. People of 3 nations nearly have forgotten what is actually to live in peace. A 10-year experiment proved that the most population of 3 nations can't live in such dream land without causing any strain to other people and Pokemon. As a result of such experiment people aged from 10 to 25 and only from rich families are allowed to cross the border of "Poke world" and live there. ]
This, meanwhile, is just sociology fail. Even if you meant "they're all displaying PTSD and stuff from the war and the people of the pokeworld, being assholes as established above, don't want to deal with it", it's not like kids are magically immune, and teenagers to young adults would probably be the most messed up of all. And since twenty-five year olds are quite capable of dealing with kids and you've established the younger people are perfectly acceptable, why couldn't they take younger relatives with them?
[And here is the prologue. The first chapter will be in a matter of days I guess. By the way I am working on the chronological line for my fanfic so you could better understand the whole story.]
Yeah, that's just not such a great idea.
Look, this is honestly a pretty hard thing to do well. You're trying to explain how a lot of really complex things happened in a really short time. It'd be a lot better to just get a general idea of what the world looks like currently and make sure that's consistent, rather than trying to explain the history of how it happened point by point. It's a lot better to have an okay current background that you can't completely explain than to have a bad explanation that you focused all the attention on.
Since it seems you want the issue to be about a kid who grew up outside trying to raise pokemon, it might make more sense to say that the pokeworld area is xenophobic and is only letting kids in as refugees, with the idea they'll assimilate into the culture rather than changing it.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5889108/2/The_world_divided_season_1_Jakes_victory_march
[Just one more note: there is going to an ace pilot character whose name is Cynthia Fitzgerald. Originally it is a character from AC3, that's why don't mistake her for the Sinnoh champion Cynthia. Both of them are going to participate in the story later. ]
NO. If you want to include a new character, but unfortunately they share name with an existing canon one, you change the name. Part of writing a story is making sure the details fit together properly.
[boy with black hair in a raven hairdo style ]
...raven hairdo? You realize that sounds ridiculous.
Do not use " for thoughts. Ever. It just looks like your character is talking to themself.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[prof. Elm ]
Here, for example, it's capitalized. Kind of like Dr. Soandso.
[Are you not even interested in what plane I am about to pilot?]
Your dialogue is incredibly stilted. Use more contractions and try to organize them more naturally.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
["Sometimes I think that she has been brainwashed by Neucom propaganda." ]
One of the things I'm really tired of is authors creating some setting where their characters Just Know that various things are lies or propaganda, especially when it's a matter of being raised in that culture. It's a lot more interesting to read about the character that honestly thinks, at least at first, that the stuff is true, rather than someone who starts out being right even when it makes no sense.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5889172/1/Harry_Potter_and_Pokemon_Friends_and_Voldemort
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Anyway, this is pretty nonsensical and doesn't seem to have any reasoning behind crossing the two.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5889558/1/Jaykobs_Pokemon_Adventure
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and "Sinnoh". "Saga" similarly comes in at a hundred.
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[Maril ]
Marill, two Ls. Look up the spelling of pokemon species.
[Are you sure this is the Pokemon you want Kuraline. Chickorita's need a lot of attention and affection. Also being a grass type means they have lots of weaknesses. Being at the top of your class I was sure you would have wanted something stronger. Chikoritas are better suited to newer trainers ]
First off, never use an apostrophe to indicate a plural. Second, you're missing a missing question mark. Third, it's not "Chickorita". Finally, this makes no sense. If a pokemon is harder to raise, why would it be better for newer trainers that don't know what they're doing? And if one of them sucked so much that the professor would argue persistently against any trainer taking it, why would he offer it in the first place?
[This story will be using the game as a guild line for things like where the characters go, who they meet. Some of the elements I will keep from the game others I will change. Like how the Pokemon battle and how they run into Pokemon and things like that. I do not want entire chapter taken because the characters run into a pokemon every five steps! So therefore in the interest of the story I don't want to here things like it's no like the game!! ]
God, I wish there was some sort of rule that people have to read at least a half dozen stories before they write their own.
It's "guideline".
You don't need to tell us you're not exactly emulating the game. Frankly it'd be appreciated if you could emulate it a bit less, since this exact opening has literally been done hundreds of times by now. You should skip over everything that doesn't matter. If we wanted to play the game we'd play the game, fanfic needs an actual plot.
Here is where something is. Hear is what you do in order to listen.
Should be "not", with the T.
Don't use multiple exclamation marks.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5889739/1/Just_Like_You
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
...so, he's got this file he's familiar enough with that he remembers the trainer's age and has apparently been aware of him for four years, but he didn't realize what the guy's name was? You really need to be clearer about this.
[SATOSHI, ASH]
...so you're acting like Ash's Japanese name is his surname?
Anyway, looks pretty good mechanically. Can't really speak on your plot since it seems to still be being set up.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5889845/1/Pokemon_Mystery_Dungeon_Explorers_of_Soul
Do not use " for thoughts. Ever. It just looks like your character is talking to themself.
[another Pokémon ]
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5889943/1/Heart_of_Gold_and_a_Soul_of_Silver
Don't open your story with bios. If it's relevant, it belongs in the story, if it's not, it shouldn't be mentioned at all.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
...and it's one of those fics that makes being a trainer some really hard thing that requires passing tests, ignoring canon. You know, I would hate this less if I ever got the slightest impression there was actual thought behind it and the story was about how the world would be different if this change happened, but it's always done like this, where either you don't think there'd be any real change, or even more irritatingly, have decided you disagree with canon and are "fixing" it by making them older and have to take a test.
Incidentally?
[I was up to the last question.
Why do you want a Pokémon?
I grinned and wrote: I want a Pokémon because I want a loyal companion to travel the world with me. I want to have the bonds other great trainers have had: Red and his Pikachu, Lance and his Dragonite, even Liana and her Charizard. I want to be one of the greats, and I want my best friends on my team. ]
I refuse to believe anyone who wrote that drivel as an answer to the question could possibly be scoring in the top three percent. And he's supposed to be sixteen? Seriously?
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
["F U O C O: Fire in Italian." ]
Another horrible idea is bringing up issues of language in a fic, because it ends up bringing attention to how existing pokemon species are so conveniently named in English.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5889946/1/A_Pulsing_Adventure
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Anyway, that was pretty short. It'd have helped to have spent more time developing the scene, or else continuing on past the point of him getting captured.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5890175/1/A_little_bit_of_hope
Capitalize your title properly.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You're also missing miscellaneous punctuation left and right. Proofread better.
Don't use multiple exclamation marks.
Write out numbers with letters.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5890236/1/Rise_of_the_Darkened
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Spellcheck.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5890459/1/Another_Trainer
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
[GROWLITH]
You should really make sure to double-check all pokemon species. It should be "growlithe".
Never use apostrophes to indicate a plural.
For god's sake stop using stated.
["So Ash, are you going to help with the torch running?" Kevin asked curiously. Ash looked confused.
"What torch?"
"I'll explain on the way," Kevin said as he started to walk towards the town. Kevin informed Ash and his friends about the torch; it's flame came from the legendary Pokemon, Moltres.]
Ugh. So now the random character with the super team who just happens to run into the canon cast is now inserting himself into a canon explanation so he can be the one to tell Ash.
And now Team Rocket has randomly shown up because there wasn't enough padding. But never fear! Kevin will immediately and effortless defeat them, impressing the canon cast with his incredible skillz! Because he's a sue!
Seriously, a non-stop list of How Kevin Is Very Awesome And Upstaging The Regular Cast is not the way to go about writing your character.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5890513/1/SatanPaulWhat_More_can_go_Wrong
Once again, self-aware badfic is not parody. It's just badfic.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5890585/1/Johto_Journeys
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and "Sinnoh". "Saga" similarly comes in at a hundred.
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5890600/1/Not_so_High_School
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
Also, this has nothing to do with pokemon and everyone's horribly OOC, meaning it's original fiction about OCs that really shouldn't be posted here.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5890711/1/Kevin_and_Buizel
Write out numbers with letters.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said and definitely not - Hello, - He said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
What is with the name Kevin? Now it's some random character who randomly is an awesome musician only he doesn't know how awesome he is so the canon cast has to tell him they think he's totally awesome, and actually he's got billions of fans and is in magazines. Look, he doesn't look humble, he looks like an insecure whiner who goes on about how "not good" he is so everyone else has to spend time telling him how special he is, and then he just spends time in a mutual circlejerk with the rest of the cast, followed by a very boring battle. Sue.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5890769/1/Love
[nevr ]
Spellcheck. Your wording is also wonky, get a beta reader.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Thoughts follow the same rules as dialogue, minus the quotation marks.
And dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5891018/1/Serum_418
So while the whole Portal-esque nature of this is kinda amusing, why knock him out only to wake him up before he gets injected?
If you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Anyway, this seems to be more focused on transformation than storyline. The exhaustive detail would stand out less if it wasn't basically all the chapter consisted of.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5891031/1/A_New_Journey
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and "Sinnoh". "Saga" similarly comes in at a hundred.
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
Do not use " for thoughts. Ever. It just looks like your character is talking to themself.
[My name is Soru Tsubame. I am an only child with no memory of his parents who lives by himself. I am fifteen years of age as of this year and have been influenced a bit by the Japanese culture. Today I will be leaving the passing town of Shirorin ]
WTF does this even mean? If he's living in Japan, then he shouldn't be going on about getting influenced by it as if that's somehow unusual. If he's not, then his whole culture was apparently influenced a whole lot by Japanese culture before he got there and so he still shouldn't be going on about it.
Speaking of Japan, randomly grafting as much of Japan into your fic as humanly possible doesn't actually make for good reading.
Not even touching the backstory.
Trainers start at ten.
[Ren-Ojiisan, Sakura-Obaasan ]
This, for example. Random, gratuitous Japanese is bad writing.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[red hear ]
I assume you mean redhead.
[You know that girl really cares for you right" she states looking me right in the eyes. "If you decided to come along with us that would mean the world to her ya know" she says looking off in the direction that Mei ran off in.
"I know that very well, but you and me both know that it is better if I go my separate way from the two of you for now. If I were to tag along with the two of you she wouldn't be able to bring out her full potential as well as the confidence she needs" I reply calmly as I begin to walk towards the entrance to Route 2.]
Oh, come on. This is ridiculous. Maybe next he could pick up a black trenchcoat to billow dramatically behind him for when he walks off?
Bios shouldn't be posted, that information either belongs in the story or not at all. Also, the guy's build is "skinny, athletic" and the girls' is "slim" and "very slim" respectively, the latter naturally being the love interest? Yeah, that definitely was a great idea to include.
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
Similarly issues apply to the character dreaming about a battle, watching a battle, or opening with a future scene of them battling.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Trainers start at ten.
Thoughts follow the same punctuation/capitalization rules as dialogue.
[Andrew's mom was a very nice lady, a mom who cared for the well being of her son. ]
Her only real failing was that she had no name.
[Although Andrew had inherited his mother's auburn eyes, it was because of his dad that got him his current looks. The married couple didn't fight for the majority of their time since tying the knot, and had a happy marriage with their son. ]
Your wording is awkward. "it was because of his dad that got" is particularly bad.
["Good morning Andrew." His mother asked. ]
Asked him good morning?
[The caring mother]
[The youngster]
[the boy]
[the lady said ]
Pick one epithet and stick with it. One _normal_ one.
[he complains ]
Don't switch between tenses.
[The boy was deciding whether or not to purchase the groceries first or to see the professor first. On the current location where he was standing, the research lab seemed to be closer than the local grocery store, the 'Pick n' Go', which was on the way back home, so it would be logical to go to the lab first. One would wonder why he still had to decide which one to go first, considering that he lived in this town for twelve years now, but Andrew was not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed. Fortunately, he concluded that he should make his way to the research lab, and did so by taking a left. ]
What was the point of this whole paragraph?
["Where is the senior?" ]
What?
Why is he even bothering the professor in the first place?
[Yes, I know, the chapter was fairly slow paced, but this chapter was written to introduce Andrew as the main protagonist and his character. ]
Yeah, you didn't need any of that. "Introduce" doesn't mean "paragraph upon meaningless paragraph of your character running around eating breakfast, getting groceries and talking about how much he wants a pokemon". If it's irrelevant to the plotline it shouldn't be there. If his day is perfectly normal then that's not something you should be spending time on. Your story presumably has a plot, that's where you should be focusing on.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5889108/1/The_world_divided_season_1_Jakes_victory_march
Capitalize your title properly.
Okay, so it'd really be a lot better if your history was a bit more advanced than just "out of oil, suddenly WAR, suddenly cheap energy solutions that ends war". If they're actually out of oil, it'd be pretty hard to field an army. And it's really unlikely companies would solve the problem (war being profitable) and not, say, something government funded. They do exist, you know.
And cold fission? You do realize that nuclear power plants are steam power using nuclear reactions instead of coal for heat. Cold fission would be kind of like using coal that didn't produce heat when it burned. Cold fission means it's not spewing out radiation, means it's not heating water, means it's useless. You might mean a nuclear power plant operating at lower temperatures than our current ones, but that wouldn't do much to alter the actual energy crisis one way or another since it's just a matter of using nuclear energy - if anything, I'd expect the cooler plants to be producing less power, since they aren't able to heat water as well. Whether or not the plants are particularly safe is not the same thing as an actual energy crisis.
Plus you do realize it's incredibly ironic to moralize about running out of fossil fuels and then make the solution be any sort of nuclear energy. Oil may not be renewable on any sane timescale, but it's a pretty big step up from radioactive elements, given that we started with a set amount, it's vanishing over time naturally, and nuclear reactors use it up faster. (And methane is honestly a bit more renewable than we'd like.)
You sure you don't mean cold fusion here?
[A new hope lit in people's hearts. Refugees, soldiers and just normal people started gathering around Neucom corporation. Neucom committee of directors under the control of enigmatic CEO Vincent Dision agreed to give people energy in exchange for their loyalty to Neucom inc. ]
So the governments are able to wage war on countries, but somehow can't just take over a company?
[Soon on the shatters of old countries new superpowers have grown around corporations: the Ulesian union, the federal republic of Emmeria and the democratic republic of Aurelia. ]
Look, I get that corporations taking over is a distopia staple, but you can't just say "and then it happened". If you want the corporations in charge, it'd make more sense for them to have been at the forefront this whole time - the corporations are the ones encouraging the wars, they have their own private armies securing resources in smaller, weaker countries, and and they steadily get more and more power so that by the time cold whichever research is finished, the governments simply aren't there to take it over.
(And if the companies have taken over, why would they still have those kinds of governments?)
You're also unclear if the other companies have access to to the magic reactors. If so, how'd they get them? If not, how can they function?
[Every nation now was having a corporatocracy ]
It's called corporatism, actually.
[Not forgetting old offenses three superpowers developed many ways of killing each other. ]
Uh, the world just kind of collapsed. Shouldn't they be busy consolidating their power and rearranging things to better fit their local interests first? I mean, I'm sure they'd try to expand eventually, but it shouldn't be their immediate impulse.
And killing "each other"? That's kind of nationalist. A corporate-centered viewpoint should see the people, like the territory, as things to acquire.
[As a perfect example each nation created its own flag super weapon. Probably that is the only reason why all sides were at a draw. There is actually a 5-year peace treaty now but it's probably the calm before the storm. ]
Er, not really how wartime development goes. If their weapon was deployed, it's being reverse engineered as soon as the first one falls into the other side's hands. And wartime development tends to involve a lot of new things being invented and sent out, not superweapons appearing fulling formed and then everyone pointing it at each other and calling it a draw.
Nuclear bombs were a fluke, and even then, they didn't cause a draw. What caused a draw was the really lucky circumstance of only one side having the super weapon, the war ending, then other countries developing their own but no one wanting to start a war and get bombed back after seeing what the bombs did.
[Despite the big hatred among the nations there is still a huge area where the war has never been. ]
So then why did people have no choice but to join the corporations? Why didn't everyone run there the moment the oil ran out and their civilization started crashing? Also, why didn't the assholes there try to help out when they saw that the other half of the world was falling to pieces and people were dying?
[A strict pact of not attacking that territory was made. ]
Once again, you can't just say this, you have to explain why.
[However only few could afford to get there as the currency course between any nation and "Poke world" is extremely high (as a result of the latest war). ]
That doesn't make any sense. Exchange rates shouldn't prevent people from jumping the border. Now, if they're getting deported afterward, sure. But all exchange rates would mean is that immigrants would have to get jobs there and work their way up, which is kind of how it is normally.
[But that wouldn't be such a big problem if not another reason. People of 3 nations nearly have forgotten what is actually to live in peace. A 10-year experiment proved that the most population of 3 nations can't live in such dream land without causing any strain to other people and Pokemon. As a result of such experiment people aged from 10 to 25 and only from rich families are allowed to cross the border of "Poke world" and live there. ]
This, meanwhile, is just sociology fail. Even if you meant "they're all displaying PTSD and stuff from the war and the people of the pokeworld, being assholes as established above, don't want to deal with it", it's not like kids are magically immune, and teenagers to young adults would probably be the most messed up of all. And since twenty-five year olds are quite capable of dealing with kids and you've established the younger people are perfectly acceptable, why couldn't they take younger relatives with them?
[And here is the prologue. The first chapter will be in a matter of days I guess. By the way I am working on the chronological line for my fanfic so you could better understand the whole story.]
Yeah, that's just not such a great idea.
Look, this is honestly a pretty hard thing to do well. You're trying to explain how a lot of really complex things happened in a really short time. It'd be a lot better to just get a general idea of what the world looks like currently and make sure that's consistent, rather than trying to explain the history of how it happened point by point. It's a lot better to have an okay current background that you can't completely explain than to have a bad explanation that you focused all the attention on.
Since it seems you want the issue to be about a kid who grew up outside trying to raise pokemon, it might make more sense to say that the pokeworld area is xenophobic and is only letting kids in as refugees, with the idea they'll assimilate into the culture rather than changing it.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5889108/2/The_world_divided_season_1_Jakes_victory_march
[Just one more note: there is going to an ace pilot character whose name is Cynthia Fitzgerald. Originally it is a character from AC3, that's why don't mistake her for the Sinnoh champion Cynthia. Both of them are going to participate in the story later. ]
NO. If you want to include a new character, but unfortunately they share name with an existing canon one, you change the name. Part of writing a story is making sure the details fit together properly.
[boy with black hair in a raven hairdo style ]
...raven hairdo? You realize that sounds ridiculous.
Do not use " for thoughts. Ever. It just looks like your character is talking to themself.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[prof. Elm ]
Here, for example, it's capitalized. Kind of like Dr. Soandso.
[Are you not even interested in what plane I am about to pilot?]
Your dialogue is incredibly stilted. Use more contractions and try to organize them more naturally.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
["Sometimes I think that she has been brainwashed by Neucom propaganda." ]
One of the things I'm really tired of is authors creating some setting where their characters Just Know that various things are lies or propaganda, especially when it's a matter of being raised in that culture. It's a lot more interesting to read about the character that honestly thinks, at least at first, that the stuff is true, rather than someone who starts out being right even when it makes no sense.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5889172/1/Harry_Potter_and_Pokemon_Friends_and_Voldemort
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Anyway, this is pretty nonsensical and doesn't seem to have any reasoning behind crossing the two.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5889558/1/Jaykobs_Pokemon_Adventure
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and "Sinnoh". "Saga" similarly comes in at a hundred.
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[Maril ]
Marill, two Ls. Look up the spelling of pokemon species.
[Are you sure this is the Pokemon you want Kuraline. Chickorita's need a lot of attention and affection. Also being a grass type means they have lots of weaknesses. Being at the top of your class I was sure you would have wanted something stronger. Chikoritas are better suited to newer trainers ]
First off, never use an apostrophe to indicate a plural. Second, you're missing a missing question mark. Third, it's not "Chickorita". Finally, this makes no sense. If a pokemon is harder to raise, why would it be better for newer trainers that don't know what they're doing? And if one of them sucked so much that the professor would argue persistently against any trainer taking it, why would he offer it in the first place?
[This story will be using the game as a guild line for things like where the characters go, who they meet. Some of the elements I will keep from the game others I will change. Like how the Pokemon battle and how they run into Pokemon and things like that. I do not want entire chapter taken because the characters run into a pokemon every five steps! So therefore in the interest of the story I don't want to here things like it's no like the game!! ]
God, I wish there was some sort of rule that people have to read at least a half dozen stories before they write their own.
It's "guideline".
You don't need to tell us you're not exactly emulating the game. Frankly it'd be appreciated if you could emulate it a bit less, since this exact opening has literally been done hundreds of times by now. You should skip over everything that doesn't matter. If we wanted to play the game we'd play the game, fanfic needs an actual plot.
Here is where something is. Hear is what you do in order to listen.
Should be "not", with the T.
Don't use multiple exclamation marks.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5889739/1/Just_Like_You
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
...so, he's got this file he's familiar enough with that he remembers the trainer's age and has apparently been aware of him for four years, but he didn't realize what the guy's name was? You really need to be clearer about this.
[SATOSHI, ASH]
...so you're acting like Ash's Japanese name is his surname?
Anyway, looks pretty good mechanically. Can't really speak on your plot since it seems to still be being set up.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5889845/1/Pokemon_Mystery_Dungeon_Explorers_of_Soul
Do not use " for thoughts. Ever. It just looks like your character is talking to themself.
[another Pokémon ]
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5889943/1/Heart_of_Gold_and_a_Soul_of_Silver
Don't open your story with bios. If it's relevant, it belongs in the story, if it's not, it shouldn't be mentioned at all.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
...and it's one of those fics that makes being a trainer some really hard thing that requires passing tests, ignoring canon. You know, I would hate this less if I ever got the slightest impression there was actual thought behind it and the story was about how the world would be different if this change happened, but it's always done like this, where either you don't think there'd be any real change, or even more irritatingly, have decided you disagree with canon and are "fixing" it by making them older and have to take a test.
Incidentally?
[I was up to the last question.
Why do you want a Pokémon?
I grinned and wrote: I want a Pokémon because I want a loyal companion to travel the world with me. I want to have the bonds other great trainers have had: Red and his Pikachu, Lance and his Dragonite, even Liana and her Charizard. I want to be one of the greats, and I want my best friends on my team. ]
I refuse to believe anyone who wrote that drivel as an answer to the question could possibly be scoring in the top three percent. And he's supposed to be sixteen? Seriously?
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
["F U O C O: Fire in Italian." ]
Another horrible idea is bringing up issues of language in a fic, because it ends up bringing attention to how existing pokemon species are so conveniently named in English.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5889946/1/A_Pulsing_Adventure
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Anyway, that was pretty short. It'd have helped to have spent more time developing the scene, or else continuing on past the point of him getting captured.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5890175/1/A_little_bit_of_hope
Capitalize your title properly.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You're also missing miscellaneous punctuation left and right. Proofread better.
Don't use multiple exclamation marks.
Write out numbers with letters.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5890236/1/Rise_of_the_Darkened
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Spellcheck.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5890459/1/Another_Trainer
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
[GROWLITH]
You should really make sure to double-check all pokemon species. It should be "growlithe".
Never use apostrophes to indicate a plural.
For god's sake stop using stated.
["So Ash, are you going to help with the torch running?" Kevin asked curiously. Ash looked confused.
"What torch?"
"I'll explain on the way," Kevin said as he started to walk towards the town. Kevin informed Ash and his friends about the torch; it's flame came from the legendary Pokemon, Moltres.]
Ugh. So now the random character with the super team who just happens to run into the canon cast is now inserting himself into a canon explanation so he can be the one to tell Ash.
And now Team Rocket has randomly shown up because there wasn't enough padding. But never fear! Kevin will immediately and effortless defeat them, impressing the canon cast with his incredible skillz! Because he's a sue!
Seriously, a non-stop list of How Kevin Is Very Awesome And Upstaging The Regular Cast is not the way to go about writing your character.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5890513/1/SatanPaulWhat_More_can_go_Wrong
Once again, self-aware badfic is not parody. It's just badfic.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5890585/1/Johto_Journeys
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and "Sinnoh". "Saga" similarly comes in at a hundred.
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5890600/1/Not_so_High_School
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
Also, this has nothing to do with pokemon and everyone's horribly OOC, meaning it's original fiction about OCs that really shouldn't be posted here.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5890711/1/Kevin_and_Buizel
Write out numbers with letters.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said and definitely not - Hello, - He said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
What is with the name Kevin? Now it's some random character who randomly is an awesome musician only he doesn't know how awesome he is so the canon cast has to tell him they think he's totally awesome, and actually he's got billions of fans and is in magazines. Look, he doesn't look humble, he looks like an insecure whiner who goes on about how "not good" he is so everyone else has to spend time telling him how special he is, and then he just spends time in a mutual circlejerk with the rest of the cast, followed by a very boring battle. Sue.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5890769/1/Love
[nevr ]
Spellcheck. Your wording is also wonky, get a beta reader.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Thoughts follow the same rules as dialogue, minus the quotation marks.
And dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5891018/1/Serum_418
So while the whole Portal-esque nature of this is kinda amusing, why knock him out only to wake him up before he gets injected?
If you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Anyway, this seems to be more focused on transformation than storyline. The exhaustive detail would stand out less if it wasn't basically all the chapter consisted of.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5891031/1/A_New_Journey
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and "Sinnoh". "Saga" similarly comes in at a hundred.
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
Do not use " for thoughts. Ever. It just looks like your character is talking to themself.
[My name is Soru Tsubame. I am an only child with no memory of his parents who lives by himself. I am fifteen years of age as of this year and have been influenced a bit by the Japanese culture. Today I will be leaving the passing town of Shirorin ]
WTF does this even mean? If he's living in Japan, then he shouldn't be going on about getting influenced by it as if that's somehow unusual. If he's not, then his whole culture was apparently influenced a whole lot by Japanese culture before he got there and so he still shouldn't be going on about it.
Speaking of Japan, randomly grafting as much of Japan into your fic as humanly possible doesn't actually make for good reading.
Not even touching the backstory.
Trainers start at ten.
[Ren-Ojiisan, Sakura-Obaasan ]
This, for example. Random, gratuitous Japanese is bad writing.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[red hear ]
I assume you mean redhead.
[You know that girl really cares for you right" she states looking me right in the eyes. "If you decided to come along with us that would mean the world to her ya know" she says looking off in the direction that Mei ran off in.
"I know that very well, but you and me both know that it is better if I go my separate way from the two of you for now. If I were to tag along with the two of you she wouldn't be able to bring out her full potential as well as the confidence she needs" I reply calmly as I begin to walk towards the entrance to Route 2.]
Oh, come on. This is ridiculous. Maybe next he could pick up a black trenchcoat to billow dramatically behind him for when he walks off?
Bios shouldn't be posted, that information either belongs in the story or not at all. Also, the guy's build is "skinny, athletic" and the girls' is "slim" and "very slim" respectively, the latter naturally being the love interest? Yeah, that definitely was a great idea to include.
