Nare, Day Nineteen
Apr. 19th, 2010 11:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/5906781/1/Shattering_of_the_Dimensions
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[Trsitan ]
Proofread.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5906781/2/Shattering_of_the_Dimensions
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
...okay, if you want pokemon to be an existing game in their universe, it'd be better to have clearly established that it was around beforehand, not after he first sees a real pokemon, otherwise it looks like an asspull. Furthermore, it'd be nice if characters actually reacted to to the whole real-pokemon bit realistically, instead of being slightly surprised initially and then accepting it, to the point of assuming everything will function like it does in the game without even checking. Seriously, from the story so far I'm getting the impression that the whole "shattering dimensions" involves their own memories and expectations getting retroactively altered to fit the new universe. Which would be really awesome and creepy if that's what you're going for, but I kind of doubt it.
[The Cyndaquil smiled and squeaked. Cynda, Cynda! ]
Also, if the cyndaquil is making noises, they're represented by quotation marks just like any other sound.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5906814/1/Pokemon_Team_Lightheart
Terrible. Get a beta reader.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5907339/1/The_Alphabet
SPELLCHECK.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5907631/1/Summer_Changeling
So you know how every other story people posted has breaks between the paragraphs? Yeah, it's because it's really annoying to try to read online without them.
[Starting to panic, you realized you didn't even know if you were a boy or a girl. You looked down at to the two small breasts attached to your body, you seemed to be a girl ]
Yeah, because BREASTS are the most noticeable things about young naked girls. BREASTS determine gender reliably and not anything else that'd be noticeable if you were naked and looked down. And god knows that if you were turned into some sort of half-pokemon thing, all of which show no such secondary sex characteristics, you'd still have BREASTS.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5908161/1/Pokemon_another_Dawn
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
This is generally terrible. Proofread better and get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5908198/1/Children_of_Time
Huh, this is really well done. Unfortunately it's still the whole fakeout opening wake up replay beginning of game thing, but it's grammatically correct and well written.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5908217/1/Run_Away
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Write out numbers with letters.
[ Her red eyes glowered back at her in the mirror, intense and scary.
Aria was technically albino. However, it wasn't much of an issue for her at school or when she went out.]
Yes it damn well was. Aside from the basics I'd expect anyone to know, such as the fact their skin is extremely light-sensitive, those trendy "red" eyes mean she's completely blind. Even blue-eyed albinos are usually legally blind, and red means she doesn't even have that much pigment.
[her sisters massive income ]
Possessives get an apostrophe.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5908357/1/Pokemon_Keiro_Region_Eclipse
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
[There were four in all: a Riolu, a Treecko, a Torchic, and a Chikorita. ]
Let me guess, the one you're randomly added to the standard lineup will just so happen to be the one your character picks?
[I glanced at the Pokémon. They all looked like as if they could become good Pokémon for battling. My gaze rested on Riolu and I felt the faintest hint of a smile playing on my lips. I pointed at Riolu. ]
Goddammit.
["Alyssa, I believe that the time has come," Mia announced. "I challenge you to a battle!"
"Go, Torchic!" Mia called as she tossed her poke ball into the air. The poke ball opened and Torchic appeared.
"Torchic!" Mia's Torchic chirped.
"Come on out Riolu!" I said. Riolu came out of his poke ball and stared at Torchic with an unreadable expression.
"Torchic, use Scratch!"
Torchic lunged forward and lashed out at Riolu. Riolu grimaced but then straightened himself.
"Riolu use Quick Attack!"
Riolu darted towards Torchic and attacked the Pokémon. Torchic staggered.
"Great job Riolu!" I called. "Now use Quick Attack again!"
Riolu lunged forward again. This time, Torchic crumpled to the ground. She had fainted.]
This is absolutely terrible writing. If you can't write good battle scenes, fine, but in that case don't center your story on them.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5908591/1/Emotional_Flare
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5908666/1/pikachu_storm
Lrn2troll.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[Trsitan ]
Proofread.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5906781/2/Shattering_of_the_Dimensions
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
...okay, if you want pokemon to be an existing game in their universe, it'd be better to have clearly established that it was around beforehand, not after he first sees a real pokemon, otherwise it looks like an asspull. Furthermore, it'd be nice if characters actually reacted to to the whole real-pokemon bit realistically, instead of being slightly surprised initially and then accepting it, to the point of assuming everything will function like it does in the game without even checking. Seriously, from the story so far I'm getting the impression that the whole "shattering dimensions" involves their own memories and expectations getting retroactively altered to fit the new universe. Which would be really awesome and creepy if that's what you're going for, but I kind of doubt it.
[The Cyndaquil smiled and squeaked. Cynda, Cynda! ]
Also, if the cyndaquil is making noises, they're represented by quotation marks just like any other sound.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5906814/1/Pokemon_Team_Lightheart
Terrible. Get a beta reader.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5907339/1/The_Alphabet
SPELLCHECK.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5907631/1/Summer_Changeling
So you know how every other story people posted has breaks between the paragraphs? Yeah, it's because it's really annoying to try to read online without them.
[Starting to panic, you realized you didn't even know if you were a boy or a girl. You looked down at to the two small breasts attached to your body, you seemed to be a girl ]
Yeah, because BREASTS are the most noticeable things about young naked girls. BREASTS determine gender reliably and not anything else that'd be noticeable if you were naked and looked down. And god knows that if you were turned into some sort of half-pokemon thing, all of which show no such secondary sex characteristics, you'd still have BREASTS.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5908161/1/Pokemon_another_Dawn
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
This is generally terrible. Proofread better and get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5908198/1/Children_of_Time
Huh, this is really well done. Unfortunately it's still the whole fakeout opening wake up replay beginning of game thing, but it's grammatically correct and well written.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5908217/1/Run_Away
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Write out numbers with letters.
[ Her red eyes glowered back at her in the mirror, intense and scary.
Aria was technically albino. However, it wasn't much of an issue for her at school or when she went out.]
Yes it damn well was. Aside from the basics I'd expect anyone to know, such as the fact their skin is extremely light-sensitive, those trendy "red" eyes mean she's completely blind. Even blue-eyed albinos are usually legally blind, and red means she doesn't even have that much pigment.
[her sisters massive income ]
Possessives get an apostrophe.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5908357/1/Pokemon_Keiro_Region_Eclipse
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
[There were four in all: a Riolu, a Treecko, a Torchic, and a Chikorita. ]
Let me guess, the one you're randomly added to the standard lineup will just so happen to be the one your character picks?
[I glanced at the Pokémon. They all looked like as if they could become good Pokémon for battling. My gaze rested on Riolu and I felt the faintest hint of a smile playing on my lips. I pointed at Riolu. ]
Goddammit.
["Alyssa, I believe that the time has come," Mia announced. "I challenge you to a battle!"
"Go, Torchic!" Mia called as she tossed her poke ball into the air. The poke ball opened and Torchic appeared.
"Torchic!" Mia's Torchic chirped.
"Come on out Riolu!" I said. Riolu came out of his poke ball and stared at Torchic with an unreadable expression.
"Torchic, use Scratch!"
Torchic lunged forward and lashed out at Riolu. Riolu grimaced but then straightened himself.
"Riolu use Quick Attack!"
Riolu darted towards Torchic and attacked the Pokémon. Torchic staggered.
"Great job Riolu!" I called. "Now use Quick Attack again!"
Riolu lunged forward again. This time, Torchic crumpled to the ground. She had fainted.]
This is absolutely terrible writing. If you can't write good battle scenes, fine, but in that case don't center your story on them.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5908591/1/Emotional_Flare
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5908666/1/pikachu_storm
Lrn2troll.
