Nare, Day Twentyone
Apr. 21st, 2010 11:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/5910763/1/New_Direction
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[A crazed man appeared before him, Lt Surge noting his appearance with one glance. Darker skin, loincloth, knife- he acted without hesitation, releasing a machamp that took the man out. ]
...well, this is going nowhere good fast.
Why does Surge have machamp and golem? Why are people on both sides using guns if rock pokemon are impervious to them? Why doesn't he use them to help him travel if he's got an injured leg?
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
...and now they're seriously having a pokemon battle instead of the guy just firing the gun he's got aimed at Surge's head.
...and now Zapdos has appeared out of nowhere and killed a guy, which somehow means it wants the killing to stop?
[From that day on, he never killed again. Lt Surge left the army, and decided to work towards becoming a gym leader, like he had said. He caught only electric pokemon, replacing his fallen comrades with tributes to Zapdos. Overtime, he managed to change his life around, and even atone for some of his war-time efforts. ]
Surge has barely any characterization and yet somehow you've managed to completely ignore all of it anyway.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5910866/1/Phantasmagoria
[After cautiously checking that all coasts were clear, a shadowy figure loped across the clearing in a flash and disappeared into the blackness beyond. ]
Yeah, you can't write this in first person. If nothing else, you can't tell you've "disappeared" to any hypothetical observers from your perspective.
[A soft thump against the ground stiffened the body, but quickly relaxed as the realization that it was one's body sitting down. Waves of relief hit the mind as a soft leaf litter offered comfort towards one's limbs.]
This is even worse. Seriously, what the hell. Screwing up past and present tense is one thing, but how do you screw up first and third person? To say nothing of how horribly worded the actual lines are.
[True enough, the refreshing sight of a small quiet stream falling in a slight trickle of water into a small natural rock pool on the ground caused instant contentment to flood the senses and immediately the limbs made involuntary movement towards the water without the thought. ]
I'm going to stop reading, this is ridiculous.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5911587/1/Pokemon_Catastrophic_Adventures
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and "Sinnoh". "Saga" similarly comes in at a hundred.
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5911740/1/Thats_High_School
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
"Your" is possessive, as in, your story, "you're" means "you are".
[I nodded, "yeah nice to meet you too." ]
You always capitalize the start of dialogue.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
Also, this is generally boring and OOC. Since it's also AU, the fact the characters aren't makes this original fiction that belongs over on Fictionpress.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5912090/1/Through_the_years
Capitalize your title properly.
Don't use ' for thoughts, it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse. As long as you put a "he thought" at the end you generally don't need any markers, anyway.
Write out numbers with letters.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[the pinkette said ]
NO.
[came Max's retorted. ]
Story is full of these errors. Proofread better.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5912258/1/Towering_Retribution
[a male voice asked questioningly. ]
...the department of redundancy department approves approvingly.
Your speech tags are generally questionable. Aside from that the writing of this is decent - you're not making any major grammatical errors I notice and doing an okay job of balancing dialogue with description.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5912355/1/Working_Hoenn_with_Skill
[I'll have the first chapter up in several hours hopefully. ]
THEN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU POST THIS?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5912756/1/Pictures_Of_You
That's not much of a story. It's not even a full scene.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5912886/1/Humans_and_Pokemon
Don't use ', it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse.
Telepathic speech should follow the same capitalization/punctuation rules as regular speech.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5913266/1/Evil_Angel
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
Additionally your characters are all completely OOC and this might as well be original fiction, random reference to a legendary or no. Put stuff like this on Fictionpress.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5913315/1/Verge_of_Disappearing
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Stop using multiple exclamation marks.
[Sure, people thought there was only one Suicune in existence. But not near Forestville, no... Suicune were extremely common around that town ]
Then why would people think that? Did everyone in Forestville just never bother to mention it?
[The white strands of a Suicune have some special properties that made them extremely valuable. In fact, so valuable that if you sold just a piece of the strand, it would be like instant retirement. But the only way to get the strand was to do the most inhumane thing to do to a Pokemon... kill it. ]
a) If just a piece is so valuable you're set for life, why would you need to kill the pokemon to get it?
b) I can think of a lot of inhumane things other than killing. In fact generally killing is ranked pretty low. I mean, what about tearing it off back of a still living suicune? Maybe you have to skin them alive or something. Or maybe it regrows, so they're kept in tiny pens and harvested periodically? I'm just saying.
[But just the thought of not losing her footing only had caused the Suicune to trip and fall face first into the dirt. The little Suicune looked at the hunters, eyes wide with fear, her body felt frozen and she couldn't move. ]
Darwin has spoken. Let the killing commence.
["Hey, you alright?" asked the human as he knelt down to look at the baby. He looked like one of the hunters, but he didn't act like them. "Hey Lera, lets get the baby to town. It's mother might be REALLY worried by now."
"Michale... are you sure that it might be that Suicune's baby?" said the Suicune. The Human just gave a confident smirk and said "Of course! She fits the description it's mother gave us."]
"I mean, why else do you think we bothered rescuing it? Seriously, I'd have totally let them murder it otherwise."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[A crazed man appeared before him, Lt Surge noting his appearance with one glance. Darker skin, loincloth, knife- he acted without hesitation, releasing a machamp that took the man out. ]
...well, this is going nowhere good fast.
Why does Surge have machamp and golem? Why are people on both sides using guns if rock pokemon are impervious to them? Why doesn't he use them to help him travel if he's got an injured leg?
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
...and now they're seriously having a pokemon battle instead of the guy just firing the gun he's got aimed at Surge's head.
...and now Zapdos has appeared out of nowhere and killed a guy, which somehow means it wants the killing to stop?
[From that day on, he never killed again. Lt Surge left the army, and decided to work towards becoming a gym leader, like he had said. He caught only electric pokemon, replacing his fallen comrades with tributes to Zapdos. Overtime, he managed to change his life around, and even atone for some of his war-time efforts. ]
Surge has barely any characterization and yet somehow you've managed to completely ignore all of it anyway.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5910866/1/Phantasmagoria
[After cautiously checking that all coasts were clear, a shadowy figure loped across the clearing in a flash and disappeared into the blackness beyond. ]
Yeah, you can't write this in first person. If nothing else, you can't tell you've "disappeared" to any hypothetical observers from your perspective.
[A soft thump against the ground stiffened the body, but quickly relaxed as the realization that it was one's body sitting down. Waves of relief hit the mind as a soft leaf litter offered comfort towards one's limbs.]
This is even worse. Seriously, what the hell. Screwing up past and present tense is one thing, but how do you screw up first and third person? To say nothing of how horribly worded the actual lines are.
[True enough, the refreshing sight of a small quiet stream falling in a slight trickle of water into a small natural rock pool on the ground caused instant contentment to flood the senses and immediately the limbs made involuntary movement towards the water without the thought. ]
I'm going to stop reading, this is ridiculous.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5911587/1/Pokemon_Catastrophic_Adventures
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and "Sinnoh". "Saga" similarly comes in at a hundred.
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5911740/1/Thats_High_School
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
"Your" is possessive, as in, your story, "you're" means "you are".
[I nodded, "yeah nice to meet you too." ]
You always capitalize the start of dialogue.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
Also, this is generally boring and OOC. Since it's also AU, the fact the characters aren't makes this original fiction that belongs over on Fictionpress.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5912090/1/Through_the_years
Capitalize your title properly.
Don't use ' for thoughts, it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse. As long as you put a "he thought" at the end you generally don't need any markers, anyway.
Write out numbers with letters.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[the pinkette said ]
NO.
[came Max's retorted. ]
Story is full of these errors. Proofread better.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5912258/1/Towering_Retribution
[a male voice asked questioningly. ]
...the department of redundancy department approves approvingly.
Your speech tags are generally questionable. Aside from that the writing of this is decent - you're not making any major grammatical errors I notice and doing an okay job of balancing dialogue with description.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5912355/1/Working_Hoenn_with_Skill
[I'll have the first chapter up in several hours hopefully. ]
THEN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU POST THIS?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5912756/1/Pictures_Of_You
That's not much of a story. It's not even a full scene.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5912886/1/Humans_and_Pokemon
Don't use ', it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse.
Telepathic speech should follow the same capitalization/punctuation rules as regular speech.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5913266/1/Evil_Angel
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
Additionally your characters are all completely OOC and this might as well be original fiction, random reference to a legendary or no. Put stuff like this on Fictionpress.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5913315/1/Verge_of_Disappearing
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Stop using multiple exclamation marks.
[Sure, people thought there was only one Suicune in existence. But not near Forestville, no... Suicune were extremely common around that town ]
Then why would people think that? Did everyone in Forestville just never bother to mention it?
[The white strands of a Suicune have some special properties that made them extremely valuable. In fact, so valuable that if you sold just a piece of the strand, it would be like instant retirement. But the only way to get the strand was to do the most inhumane thing to do to a Pokemon... kill it. ]
a) If just a piece is so valuable you're set for life, why would you need to kill the pokemon to get it?
b) I can think of a lot of inhumane things other than killing. In fact generally killing is ranked pretty low. I mean, what about tearing it off back of a still living suicune? Maybe you have to skin them alive or something. Or maybe it regrows, so they're kept in tiny pens and harvested periodically? I'm just saying.
[But just the thought of not losing her footing only had caused the Suicune to trip and fall face first into the dirt. The little Suicune looked at the hunters, eyes wide with fear, her body felt frozen and she couldn't move. ]
Darwin has spoken. Let the killing commence.
["Hey, you alright?" asked the human as he knelt down to look at the baby. He looked like one of the hunters, but he didn't act like them. "Hey Lera, lets get the baby to town. It's mother might be REALLY worried by now."
"Michale... are you sure that it might be that Suicune's baby?" said the Suicune. The Human just gave a confident smirk and said "Of course! She fits the description it's mother gave us."]
"I mean, why else do you think we bothered rescuing it? Seriously, I'd have totally let them murder it otherwise."
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2010-04-22 06:18 am (UTC)It reads to me like a failed experiment with writing from the perspective of a being with a lower-than-human level of self-awareness. Interesting idea, awful execution.
no subject
Date: 2010-04-22 04:49 pm (UTC)