White Blank Page, Necessary
Dec. 28th, 2010 11:57 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://archiveofourown.org/works/120046
White Blank Page
"I-" He says, and feels sudden embarrassment and anger threaten to consume him. "The Keen Imputer-"
"He wasn't very helpful, was he?" She says, and like that, the rage flows away from her, and right onto the Keen Imputer. The Queen's given him an out and Jack takes it
This makes so much sense for how Jack could have a decent relationship with someone, it's all about having mutual hatefests...
It also gives him a bit of status. Others pass by in the thick woollen suits, and he thinks, I was worth more than that.
...and being better off than someone else. You do a great job of writing him as - well not a loveable asshole, but one that makes a good character at any rate. He's not a good person but he has redeeming features, although mostly ones it's better to appreciate from the outside.
And the way you develop both them and their relationship is beautifully done. The resources issue was a clever one to raise - this isn't a normal society, it's something plopped down for a purpose, it doesn't have to be sustainable.
...and then it all gets tragic and painful and horrible, because, well. Somehow I think the worst bit is that he ends up hating the clone so much - she's her, and the things she had from the beginning are all there, but she's not the one he spent those years with building the relationship, she's a reminder of how all that was taken from him. As an explanation for the Jack we see in Homestuck, it's brilliant and terrible.
The thing that bugs me about this, though, is the King. It's a far more open secret in his case, but he gets away with it fine. Which I suppose hardly lacks for precedent in our world, but it bothers me to see that stuff get mirrored over when it doesn't seem like the structure has to be that way. She's in charge of the country and he's away most of the year with the army, but it seems he's the one with all the power. His motives are murky as well - first it seems he just didn't love her, but he claims he did and certainly reacts to their relationship like it means something, whatever that was. Yet he's the one who started cheating on her. Possibly I'm missing something. It seems it'd work smoother without his actual cheating - I suppose it removes some of the moral high ground from the Queen, but she's sympathetic just for being stuck in a relationship with someone she doesn't love but can't end. It still works in this story, since, well, tragic love and betrayal and all that, but it nags a bit.
http://archiveofourown.org/works/120652
Necessary
You slowly but surly
Surely. You also capitalize words seemingly at random and have a number of other weird errors, such as a flip into first person.
I like the plot of this, but it feels like it's not quite polished. Part of what bugs me is making these the predecessors of the trolls - if he could work out how to beat the game based on the little left, surely his species would manage to leave enough of a record for the trolls that would come that they'd know as much or more than he did. How'd they forget so much? (And you gloss over how, exactly, he figures it out in the first place.)
I'm also not quite sure how the mind switch is supposed to work. It seems like you're using some undescribed technology to make the transfer, which comes off as cheating in more of a narrative sense than I think you were going for. It'd be cleaner to either have it turn out he incorporated them into his child self or his entire species as part of his plan (it seems that'd fit well with the lengths he's going to break the game and save everyone) or give him the ability to mind-control the carapace creature he makes, say, as long as he stays in direct contact with it. You've already given them a sort of telepathy, and the trolls have psychic powers. You say the mixed clone is a mindless husk, controlling it wouldn't be a stretch.
His plan itself is a good one, though, and I like his sacrifice.
White Blank Page
"I-" He says, and feels sudden embarrassment and anger threaten to consume him. "The Keen Imputer-"
"He wasn't very helpful, was he?" She says, and like that, the rage flows away from her, and right onto the Keen Imputer. The Queen's given him an out and Jack takes it
This makes so much sense for how Jack could have a decent relationship with someone, it's all about having mutual hatefests...
It also gives him a bit of status. Others pass by in the thick woollen suits, and he thinks, I was worth more than that.
...and being better off than someone else. You do a great job of writing him as - well not a loveable asshole, but one that makes a good character at any rate. He's not a good person but he has redeeming features, although mostly ones it's better to appreciate from the outside.
And the way you develop both them and their relationship is beautifully done. The resources issue was a clever one to raise - this isn't a normal society, it's something plopped down for a purpose, it doesn't have to be sustainable.
...and then it all gets tragic and painful and horrible, because, well. Somehow I think the worst bit is that he ends up hating the clone so much - she's her, and the things she had from the beginning are all there, but she's not the one he spent those years with building the relationship, she's a reminder of how all that was taken from him. As an explanation for the Jack we see in Homestuck, it's brilliant and terrible.
The thing that bugs me about this, though, is the King. It's a far more open secret in his case, but he gets away with it fine. Which I suppose hardly lacks for precedent in our world, but it bothers me to see that stuff get mirrored over when it doesn't seem like the structure has to be that way. She's in charge of the country and he's away most of the year with the army, but it seems he's the one with all the power. His motives are murky as well - first it seems he just didn't love her, but he claims he did and certainly reacts to their relationship like it means something, whatever that was. Yet he's the one who started cheating on her. Possibly I'm missing something. It seems it'd work smoother without his actual cheating - I suppose it removes some of the moral high ground from the Queen, but she's sympathetic just for being stuck in a relationship with someone she doesn't love but can't end. It still works in this story, since, well, tragic love and betrayal and all that, but it nags a bit.
http://archiveofourown.org/works/120652
Necessary
You slowly but surly
Surely. You also capitalize words seemingly at random and have a number of other weird errors, such as a flip into first person.
I like the plot of this, but it feels like it's not quite polished. Part of what bugs me is making these the predecessors of the trolls - if he could work out how to beat the game based on the little left, surely his species would manage to leave enough of a record for the trolls that would come that they'd know as much or more than he did. How'd they forget so much? (And you gloss over how, exactly, he figures it out in the first place.)
I'm also not quite sure how the mind switch is supposed to work. It seems like you're using some undescribed technology to make the transfer, which comes off as cheating in more of a narrative sense than I think you were going for. It'd be cleaner to either have it turn out he incorporated them into his child self or his entire species as part of his plan (it seems that'd fit well with the lengths he's going to break the game and save everyone) or give him the ability to mind-control the carapace creature he makes, say, as long as he stays in direct contact with it. You've already given them a sort of telepathy, and the trolls have psychic powers. You say the mixed clone is a mindless husk, controlling it wouldn't be a stretch.
His plan itself is a good one, though, and I like his sacrifice.
