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farlahttp://archiveofourown.org/works/138259?view_full_work=true
Some Measure Of Control (Notes From A Doomed Timeline)
I like the concept of this and a lot of your characterization. But the relationship between the two is just too abrupt.
Dog prototyping or not, Jack's there to kill and she was right in front of him, attacked him even. (And I doubt he enjoyed It takes him all of thirty seconds of humiliating flailing to right himself again, wings beating with no dignity at all, yet he doesn't make any move to attack her back for it) If he decided he wanted to stalk her for a while before the kill, for the same sort of reasons as he decided to play chase with Jaspersprite, and started to feel attached, I could see it, but it's too sudden. He's making the decision to stick around and not attack her immediately.
It feels even more sudden and unexplained with Rose. She sees him kill her sprite. Even assuming she's pretty messed up by this point, the jump from that to letting him deprototype and live is a big one. A lot of her motivation to get that information is finding a way to kill him in the first place, and a lot of her gamebreaking desire is because they're doomed which is in no small part because he's unkillable.
Their interactions beyond that are good, but it's marred by the fact I can never see why she's working with him. I could see her making bad allies as part of breaking the game, but he doesn't seem to be doing anything to help with that, since he's just trying to kill off Prospit the way the game's supposed to run. Having that be the actual terms of their alliance - she helps him win and he helps her smash the game itself - would make it clearer, as would explaining how she thinks he could help with that.
http://archiveofourown.org/works/138604
Guardian
A nice look at Bec. I hadn't thought about how it must have been for him to be on Earth since before other life even arose, and your portrayal of his relationship with Hass and Jade is cute.
http://archiveofourown.org/works/139056
Interview
Nepeta wants the aforementioned kitten, and she and Tavros want to tour your best animal prisons."
...You mean zoos?
"That is the most fucktarded word I have ever heard, but yes. Your pathetic human "zoos", and I just felt my brain cells die.
How utterly Karkat. And his ending bit about already having what he wants is cute. I found just italics for the other speaker kind of distracting, though - I assume you did it so it's clear who's speaking, but without quotation marks it feels like it's not actually supposed to be taken as spoken words. Quotes and italics might be better.
http://archiveofourown.org/works/134671/chapters/192685
Conquest
You do a wonderful job with characterization. They've kept a lot of their personality traits but have changed enough that they seem like adults, and I really like how their relationships have ended up - not completely predictable nor so far off they feel random.
My only problem is you don't throw in many details about what's changed. In Ch2, for example, there's not even a real hint about why Karkat is tolerated despite his blood color or how long that's been true, and little suggestion of how much the new Alternia society was changed in the remaking verses how much is that Feferi is emperess and changing things. You don't have to explain it all right off the bat, but working more of that into the background would be nice.
http://archiveofourown.org/works/139494
Extremely cute, in the hateful sort of way that usually applies with these sort of things. I like the second to last panel especially. The displayed image is really small, though - any way to post it at full size?
Some Measure Of Control (Notes From A Doomed Timeline)
I like the concept of this and a lot of your characterization. But the relationship between the two is just too abrupt.
Dog prototyping or not, Jack's there to kill and she was right in front of him, attacked him even. (And I doubt he enjoyed It takes him all of thirty seconds of humiliating flailing to right himself again, wings beating with no dignity at all, yet he doesn't make any move to attack her back for it) If he decided he wanted to stalk her for a while before the kill, for the same sort of reasons as he decided to play chase with Jaspersprite, and started to feel attached, I could see it, but it's too sudden. He's making the decision to stick around and not attack her immediately.
It feels even more sudden and unexplained with Rose. She sees him kill her sprite. Even assuming she's pretty messed up by this point, the jump from that to letting him deprototype and live is a big one. A lot of her motivation to get that information is finding a way to kill him in the first place, and a lot of her gamebreaking desire is because they're doomed which is in no small part because he's unkillable.
Their interactions beyond that are good, but it's marred by the fact I can never see why she's working with him. I could see her making bad allies as part of breaking the game, but he doesn't seem to be doing anything to help with that, since he's just trying to kill off Prospit the way the game's supposed to run. Having that be the actual terms of their alliance - she helps him win and he helps her smash the game itself - would make it clearer, as would explaining how she thinks he could help with that.
http://archiveofourown.org/works/138604
Guardian
A nice look at Bec. I hadn't thought about how it must have been for him to be on Earth since before other life even arose, and your portrayal of his relationship with Hass and Jade is cute.
http://archiveofourown.org/works/139056
Interview
Nepeta wants the aforementioned kitten, and she and Tavros want to tour your best animal prisons."
...You mean zoos?
"That is the most fucktarded word I have ever heard, but yes. Your pathetic human "zoos", and I just felt my brain cells die.
How utterly Karkat. And his ending bit about already having what he wants is cute. I found just italics for the other speaker kind of distracting, though - I assume you did it so it's clear who's speaking, but without quotation marks it feels like it's not actually supposed to be taken as spoken words. Quotes and italics might be better.
http://archiveofourown.org/works/134671/chapters/192685
Conquest
You do a wonderful job with characterization. They've kept a lot of their personality traits but have changed enough that they seem like adults, and I really like how their relationships have ended up - not completely predictable nor so far off they feel random.
My only problem is you don't throw in many details about what's changed. In Ch2, for example, there's not even a real hint about why Karkat is tolerated despite his blood color or how long that's been true, and little suggestion of how much the new Alternia society was changed in the remaking verses how much is that Feferi is emperess and changing things. You don't have to explain it all right off the bat, but working more of that into the background would be nice.
http://archiveofourown.org/works/139494
Extremely cute, in the hateful sort of way that usually applies with these sort of things. I like the second to last panel especially. The displayed image is really small, though - any way to post it at full size?
