Nare11, Day Seventeen
Jan. 17th, 2011 11:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/6651443/1/Daydream
[or the record, I'm just saying there should be an award for "Most Daydreamer" because then; I would win the award. ]
[And I now pronoun you husband and wife ]
Get a beta reader.
Drabble = 100 words. Not "a thing you didn't work hard on".
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6651568/1/Red_on_white
Capitalize your title properly.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Do not use " for thoughts. Ever. It just looks like your character is talking to themself.
Anyway, plotwise this is rather jumbled, especially considering the actual plotline is pretty bare. There's a lot of rambling that doesn't seem to have any point.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6651660/1/Beetles
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[In Kanto and the surrounding regions it was tradition for each child to undertake a Pokémon journey. ]
WE KNOW ALREADY.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, in any other constructions like my/her/the mom it's written as such.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
["You're up early chibi!" ]
Okay, my tolerance for gratuitous Japanese has officially been exceeded.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6651737/1/Prey
[a very wealthy Rattata ]
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[I stifled a squeak of alarm. My, how undignified that would have been to utter such a sound. It would dash any attempt to be taken seriously among the alleged professionals of my career choice. ]
...none of who are there to know about it.
[My sources had told me that the precious item I was to procure for profit would be in the very next room. ]
Alliteration is one of those things you can have too much of.
This is a different sort of thing than most of what I've seen, but not much of a plotline. It's not really clear what the overall motivations are, or, for that matter, why this rattata is different than most in doing this - it seems like this is something any rattata could do, and since the buyer's another pokemon, getting contacts doesn't seem an issue either.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6652117/1/Pillow_Talk
You're missing punctuation left and right. Proofread better.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6652273/1/Jaded_Johto
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
This is far too short for a first chapter. You don't need to start a new chapter with each new scene. This should go in front of your next chapter, not by itself.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6652273/2/Jaded_Johto
[After being forced to endure six years of intense studying at the Violet City Trainer's School]
Exactly how was he forced to do that?
[Looking up into the mirror, he saw a slim, lanky sixteen year old. ]
Who, let me guess, spent those six years not bothering to raise a pokemon, because "studying" is good enough.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
And yup, sixteen year old moron getting his first pokemon. He's going to get his ass handed to him by eleven year olds.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, in any other constructions like my/her/the mom it's written as such.
Well, that was exceedingly boring and plot-free. Start your story once something actually happens.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6652358/1/Phoenix_Memories_of__Heroes
Rather nonsensical.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6652393/1/Going_on_the_adventure
Capitalize your title properly.
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Generally awful, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6652721/1/Whats_in_a_Name
[his Pachirisu. ]
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Anyway, this is cute and an interesting idea, but it doesn't feel like a complete story, or even a complete scene.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6652826/1/Social_Suicide
The characters are completely OOC and
[For one, Bugsy was a sorry excuse for a gym leader. Bug-type—really? He was mocked by the Pokémon league constantly.
And, come to think of it, he could easily pass for a player of the other team…
…Gay.]
makes me hate you as a person.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6652896/1/625_Days
[Yet for all of their efforts, for all of the questions asked and for all of the questions that could not be answered, one question bubbled to the surface so late in the investigation it could only be dismissed: if the earth was so toxic that it was killing all of the pokémon, then why wasn't it affecting the humans?
]
Considering that you just listed off things happening to each species in turn, there's no reason to think it won't affect them, merely that they're further down the list than flying types.
Also, you just said they have no idea what's going on. Toxic is an explanation, even if it's only partial. There are plenty of other potential explanations.
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6652960/1/Kokoro
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, in any other constructions like my/her/the mom it's written as such.
[But now, she was bored again ]
Characters being bored: not interesting.
[Girl took a pair ]
Girl has a damn name. Either use it or write "the girl".
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Your grammar is atrocious, get a beta reader.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6653063/1/Through_the_Eyes_of_One
[(Cue song Revelation by Junichi Nakatsuru from SoulCalibur IV OST)]
No. Learn to actually write.
Don't use ' for thoughts, it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse. As long as you put a "he thought" at the end you generally don't need any markers, anyway.
It's okay, four letters.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6653175/1/The_Secret_of_MissingNo
[Prolouge ]
Spellcheck.
Also, this is far too short for a first chapter. You don't need to start a new chapter with each new scene. This should go in front of your next chapter, not by itself.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6653175/2/The_Secret_of_MissingNo
[For a normal kid like Devan, It was ]
Proofread.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6653203/1/Crusaders_Kross_The_Wolf_Pack
Terrible, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6653454/1/My_Johto_Journey
There are four thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are three hundred "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost five hundred with "legend". There are over eight hundred with "journey", seven hundred and fifty with "story", two hundred with "quest", and nine hundred and fifty with "adventure". "Kanto" and "Sinnoh" shows up two hundred times, with "Johto" and "Hoenn" around one hundred and fifty. "Saga", "region" and "champion" come in at around a hundred. What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
Write out numbers with letters.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[(Timeskip) ]
Learn to write actual scene transitions.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, in any other constructions like my/her/the mom it's written as such.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
This is pretty meh, little different from every other trainer story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6653762/1/Pokemon_Mystery_Dungeon_Explorers_of_Sky
Ugh. Another one of these.
Everyone gives them this sort of title. Everyone writes the same opening. It's never interesting.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6653836/1/A_Light_in_the_Darkness
Your writing is confusing as fuck.
Here's the thing. We, your readers, do not spend our time marveling at the existence of a sun. That means that if you have a character not marvel at the existence of a sun, that's business as usual. Spending paragraph upon overwritten paragraph pointing out that actually your character has every reason to marvel and just isn't because, uh, well they aren't is a bad idea. Either your character has a different viewpoint than ours, in which case it should be shown rather than told with a long explanation for why they're acting exactly the same as us, or they don't, and you should just skip this whole mess. If, and it's hard to even tell among the layered negatives here, you mean they didn't remember being in the other world without the sun and such things and that's why they weren't surprised, JUST FUCKING SAY THAT.
[I was able to hazard a guess as to why I had a somewhat apathetic outlook on beauty ]
Furthermore, the reason someone would be paying attention to things like the sun is not that it's "pretty". The sun is a GIANT BALL OF FIRE IN THE SKY THAT HURTS YOUR EYES IF YOU LOOK DIRECTLY AT IT. Fuck "beauty", how about "displaying a minimum level of interest in your surroundings normally found in single-celled organisms"?
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
["Kinka-chan"]
Is dumb, as is the rest of your shoehorned-in Japanese.
["Chan" is definitely a prefix more suited to someone as womanly as him. ]
And there we go, now I just flat out hate you. Done here.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6653870/1/Alphabet_Soup
[but trust me when I say that she's anything but a Mary Sue.]
So she's a sue then.
Anyway, this is a bit different than the standard opening of an OT fic, but shares the usual problem, namely it's full of filler and things you didn't need to spend time on.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6653895/1/Bounded
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Write out numbers with letters.
So basically, original fiction, only you're saying one character is a lopunny. And not very good original fiction, one of those short scene ones that don't properly develop into a story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6654488/1/A_Gastly_Tale
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6654511/1/Sixteen
[Taylor: Well this is my first story that i'v posted yea lot of grammar errors probaly ]
You could say that.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Generally a mess, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6654523/1/In_Dreams
[so, this isn't going to be a playthrough story of firered/leafgreen. I actually have a plot in mind ]
Then you should have started it with that plot, rather than getting their first pokemon.
Anyway. Grammar errors abound, get a beta reader. And next time start when the plot starts.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6654624/1/Pokenerds_Its_the_Life
[Brandon was around 5' 6'' ]
If you're giving his height to the inch, he's not "around" that tall.
Write out numbers with letters.
Use spellecheck.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You really should use said more. Said is invisible. You should only use other words occasionally, when you mean to draw attention to how it's being said.
[or the record, I'm just saying there should be an award for "Most Daydreamer" because then; I would win the award. ]
[And I now pronoun you husband and wife ]
Get a beta reader.
Drabble = 100 words. Not "a thing you didn't work hard on".
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6651568/1/Red_on_white
Capitalize your title properly.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Do not use " for thoughts. Ever. It just looks like your character is talking to themself.
Anyway, plotwise this is rather jumbled, especially considering the actual plotline is pretty bare. There's a lot of rambling that doesn't seem to have any point.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6651660/1/Beetles
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[In Kanto and the surrounding regions it was tradition for each child to undertake a Pokémon journey. ]
WE KNOW ALREADY.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, in any other constructions like my/her/the mom it's written as such.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
["You're up early chibi!" ]
Okay, my tolerance for gratuitous Japanese has officially been exceeded.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6651737/1/Prey
[a very wealthy Rattata ]
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[I stifled a squeak of alarm. My, how undignified that would have been to utter such a sound. It would dash any attempt to be taken seriously among the alleged professionals of my career choice. ]
...none of who are there to know about it.
[My sources had told me that the precious item I was to procure for profit would be in the very next room. ]
Alliteration is one of those things you can have too much of.
This is a different sort of thing than most of what I've seen, but not much of a plotline. It's not really clear what the overall motivations are, or, for that matter, why this rattata is different than most in doing this - it seems like this is something any rattata could do, and since the buyer's another pokemon, getting contacts doesn't seem an issue either.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6652117/1/Pillow_Talk
You're missing punctuation left and right. Proofread better.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6652273/1/Jaded_Johto
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
This is far too short for a first chapter. You don't need to start a new chapter with each new scene. This should go in front of your next chapter, not by itself.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6652273/2/Jaded_Johto
[After being forced to endure six years of intense studying at the Violet City Trainer's School]
Exactly how was he forced to do that?
[Looking up into the mirror, he saw a slim, lanky sixteen year old. ]
Who, let me guess, spent those six years not bothering to raise a pokemon, because "studying" is good enough.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
And yup, sixteen year old moron getting his first pokemon. He's going to get his ass handed to him by eleven year olds.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, in any other constructions like my/her/the mom it's written as such.
Well, that was exceedingly boring and plot-free. Start your story once something actually happens.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6652358/1/Phoenix_Memories_of__Heroes
Rather nonsensical.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6652393/1/Going_on_the_adventure
Capitalize your title properly.
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Generally awful, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6652721/1/Whats_in_a_Name
[his Pachirisu. ]
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Anyway, this is cute and an interesting idea, but it doesn't feel like a complete story, or even a complete scene.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6652826/1/Social_Suicide
The characters are completely OOC and
[For one, Bugsy was a sorry excuse for a gym leader. Bug-type—really? He was mocked by the Pokémon league constantly.
And, come to think of it, he could easily pass for a player of the other team…
…Gay.]
makes me hate you as a person.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6652896/1/625_Days
[Yet for all of their efforts, for all of the questions asked and for all of the questions that could not be answered, one question bubbled to the surface so late in the investigation it could only be dismissed: if the earth was so toxic that it was killing all of the pokémon, then why wasn't it affecting the humans?
]
Considering that you just listed off things happening to each species in turn, there's no reason to think it won't affect them, merely that they're further down the list than flying types.
Also, you just said they have no idea what's going on. Toxic is an explanation, even if it's only partial. There are plenty of other potential explanations.
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6652960/1/Kokoro
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, in any other constructions like my/her/the mom it's written as such.
[But now, she was bored again ]
Characters being bored: not interesting.
[Girl took a pair ]
Girl has a damn name. Either use it or write "the girl".
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Your grammar is atrocious, get a beta reader.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6653063/1/Through_the_Eyes_of_One
[(Cue song Revelation by Junichi Nakatsuru from SoulCalibur IV OST)]
No. Learn to actually write.
Don't use ' for thoughts, it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse. As long as you put a "he thought" at the end you generally don't need any markers, anyway.
It's okay, four letters.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6653175/1/The_Secret_of_MissingNo
[Prolouge ]
Spellcheck.
Also, this is far too short for a first chapter. You don't need to start a new chapter with each new scene. This should go in front of your next chapter, not by itself.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6653175/2/The_Secret_of_MissingNo
[For a normal kid like Devan, It was ]
Proofread.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6653203/1/Crusaders_Kross_The_Wolf_Pack
Terrible, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6653454/1/My_Johto_Journey
There are four thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are three hundred "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost five hundred with "legend". There are over eight hundred with "journey", seven hundred and fifty with "story", two hundred with "quest", and nine hundred and fifty with "adventure". "Kanto" and "Sinnoh" shows up two hundred times, with "Johto" and "Hoenn" around one hundred and fifty. "Saga", "region" and "champion" come in at around a hundred. What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
Write out numbers with letters.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[(Timeskip) ]
Learn to write actual scene transitions.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, in any other constructions like my/her/the mom it's written as such.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
This is pretty meh, little different from every other trainer story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6653762/1/Pokemon_Mystery_Dungeon_Explorers_of_Sky
Ugh. Another one of these.
Everyone gives them this sort of title. Everyone writes the same opening. It's never interesting.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6653836/1/A_Light_in_the_Darkness
Your writing is confusing as fuck.
Here's the thing. We, your readers, do not spend our time marveling at the existence of a sun. That means that if you have a character not marvel at the existence of a sun, that's business as usual. Spending paragraph upon overwritten paragraph pointing out that actually your character has every reason to marvel and just isn't because, uh, well they aren't is a bad idea. Either your character has a different viewpoint than ours, in which case it should be shown rather than told with a long explanation for why they're acting exactly the same as us, or they don't, and you should just skip this whole mess. If, and it's hard to even tell among the layered negatives here, you mean they didn't remember being in the other world without the sun and such things and that's why they weren't surprised, JUST FUCKING SAY THAT.
[I was able to hazard a guess as to why I had a somewhat apathetic outlook on beauty ]
Furthermore, the reason someone would be paying attention to things like the sun is not that it's "pretty". The sun is a GIANT BALL OF FIRE IN THE SKY THAT HURTS YOUR EYES IF YOU LOOK DIRECTLY AT IT. Fuck "beauty", how about "displaying a minimum level of interest in your surroundings normally found in single-celled organisms"?
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
["Kinka-chan"]
Is dumb, as is the rest of your shoehorned-in Japanese.
["Chan" is definitely a prefix more suited to someone as womanly as him. ]
And there we go, now I just flat out hate you. Done here.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6653870/1/Alphabet_Soup
[but trust me when I say that she's anything but a Mary Sue.]
So she's a sue then.
Anyway, this is a bit different than the standard opening of an OT fic, but shares the usual problem, namely it's full of filler and things you didn't need to spend time on.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6653895/1/Bounded
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Write out numbers with letters.
So basically, original fiction, only you're saying one character is a lopunny. And not very good original fiction, one of those short scene ones that don't properly develop into a story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6654488/1/A_Gastly_Tale
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6654511/1/Sixteen
[Taylor: Well this is my first story that i'v posted yea lot of grammar errors probaly ]
You could say that.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Generally a mess, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6654523/1/In_Dreams
[so, this isn't going to be a playthrough story of firered/leafgreen. I actually have a plot in mind ]
Then you should have started it with that plot, rather than getting their first pokemon.
Anyway. Grammar errors abound, get a beta reader. And next time start when the plot starts.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6654624/1/Pokenerds_Its_the_Life
[Brandon was around 5' 6'' ]
If you're giving his height to the inch, he's not "around" that tall.
Write out numbers with letters.
Use spellecheck.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You really should use said more. Said is invisible. You should only use other words occasionally, when you mean to draw attention to how it's being said.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2011-01-18 05:16 am (UTC)Yeah, I don't get why many people thought the sun is beautiful. I hate, HATE when someone is described as pretty as the sun. That makes me cover my eyes.
You really should use said more. Said is invisible. You should only use other words occasionally, when you mean to draw attention to how it's being said.
Ah, another person allergic to the word "said." Come on folks, "said" is a good word that is much better than "ejaculated." *rolls eyes*
no subject
Date: 2011-01-18 05:47 am (UTC)Also, what the fuck is with that Sabrina/Bugsy story? Am I really supposed to believe that in a world where ten-year-olds customarily go out into the wilderness on their own, a teenager who runs his own gym is still under his parents' thumb?
no subject
Date: 2011-01-18 06:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-18 04:59 pm (UTC)(You know, when all's said and done, I think what really drives me nuts about novelizations is that you only ever need one, and instead fandom churns out a billion fics that are just different enough to be useless as a reference but not different enough to make them worth reading.)
Also, what the fuck is with that Sabrina/Bugsy story? Am I really supposed to believe that in a world where ten-year-olds customarily go out into the wilderness on their own, a teenager who runs his own gym is still under his parents' thumb?
Well, once you manage to believe it's a world where despite him needing a babysitter, a two years older teenager is somehow qualified to be his babysitter and the parents think he's going to get into LESS trouble if they hire a barely legal kid of the opposite sex to hang out with him while they're away rather than leaving him on his own, I imagine the mere absurdity of a gym leader getting bossed around is easy to swallow.
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Date: 2011-01-18 06:02 pm (UTC)Solution to making the main games have plot-- have the main characters be the "Chosen Ones" of some sort and get them to save the world.
Gawds, I can't believe I use to like those stories when I was younger. *lowers head down in shame*
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Date: 2011-01-18 04:54 pm (UTC)Sabrina didn't realize how much taller than her he was.
FFFFFFFFT
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Date: 2011-01-18 05:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-18 05:21 pm (UTC)Now the fic makes perfect sense.