Nare11, Day Nineteen
Jan. 19th, 2011 11:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/6657139/1/Treasures_Untold
[Hi everyone, this is my first story on fanfict so please bear with me.
Drew: Whatever nobody cares if this is your first story]
The horrible idea is right, no one does. Your writing is awful, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6657168/1/Just_a_Concert
Terrible, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6657177/1/It_Was_Only_A_Wish
[After yet another fight, ash ]
Proofread.
Write out numbers with letters.
You should never need to tell us what age the characters are.
[fantasizing about the bagel he was going to eat in a few minutes (Ash always ate a bagel after a good win, he himself was not quite sure why) ]
What made you think including this was necessary?
[Somehow his caterpie had managed to evolve into a butterfree in only two episodes. Don't ask me how. I could never get anything to evolve twice before getting out of that forest. The logic in this show is seriously screwed up. ]
I imagine you think this sort of aside is hilarious. It's not. It's just still more filler.
...and now, not content to recap in narration, you're having the characters recap to each other.
All you needed of the story was the last paragraph or so. Instead of dragging things out and then writing out a terribly boring argument, just say they had one and Ash is still mad about it.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6657249/1/Pokemon_Battle_World
[her sisters stern face ]
Use apostrophes for possessives.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
[Fiver assured her, the pokemon her older sister had lent her crawled over her shoulder to peek at the screen, to see his former trainer. ]
Your wording here hurts. "Fiver assured her AS the pokemon her older sister had lent her crawled over her shoulder to peek at the screen to see his former trainer." would work.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You really should use said more. Said is invisible. You should only use other words occasionally, when you mean to draw attention to how it's being said.
["So, as you can tell, I'm looking for adventure," ]
Why hasn't she just left to be a pokemon trainer, then?
Anyway, this is done pretty competently. I like where you've started it and it's always nice to see a trainer who didn't get their pokemon from a professor. You do a good job writing the battle scene as well. That said, it's not much different, plotwise, from the usual OT fic. Just a trainer being a trainer is hard to make interesting.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6657276/1/The_Chronicles_Of_Trainer_Zed
[Please not i don't have a beta reader yet so it my have a few mistakes and i know its a little short but the next few chapters will be longer i promise! ]
I'm just going to assume that was on purpose.
Write out numbers with letters.
[The boy had one blue eye, one brown eye and wore glasses. He looked around the age of 17. The boy wore a black long sleeved shirt, dark baggy jeans, a dark violet colored scarf that covered half of his head, and some dark violet colored gloves. The ends of the scarf nearly touched the ground. ]
He's a sue, huh?
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
[Zed had worked for Prof. Oak since he was ten, he could have gone on his pokemon journey but had decided to study pokemon with the professor for a few years first. ]
Seven years, apparently.
[He now finally felt he was ready to leave and make something of himself. ]
Considering how incredibly easy the basics of being a trainer are, this is like someone who stays in kindergarten for half a decade because they want to be sure they master fingerpainting before they move on trying to write letters.
[He looked over at the table that had the pokeballs of the kanto starters on it. Bulbasaur levels up quickly but I think I want more a challenge. Zed thought. Squirtles final form has a pretty high defense, but all the squirtles the Prof got this time all have serious attitudes. He shifted in his seat as he remembered that one had even bitten him. I guess that leaves Charmander, it'll be a bit of a challenge to raise but its finally form is powerful. ]
I always love watching writers struggle to rationalize why their supposedly well educated main character picks a charmander starter. I have to admit, "because my seven years of hands on experience working with pokemon haven't even been enough to qualify me to control a starting pokemon meant for preteens" is a new one.
[The next day Zed exited his house, he wore the same clothing as yesterday but also had a large bag filled with supplies for his journey. ]
...really.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6657308/1/Odes_to_the_Forgotten
[One never really thinks about the minor characters of the Poke-world. I mean, we all know Ash, Pikachu, Red - but what about the random Team Rocket grunt you crushed on your way through Goldenrod City, or the Clefable belonging to a trainer on Victory Road, so eager to get to the Pokemon League? ]
...you haven't read much fanfic, have you?
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Anyway, this is decent, but I don't think you really justify the ending. Why blow the final TM to give him a normal-type punch? Normal type isn't good against anything, it doesn't really cover any obvious weaknesses in the rest of his moveset, and it wouldn't even benefit from STAB. It'd make more sense for her to replace it with a support move or something.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6657308/2/Odes_to_the_Forgotten
Pretty good. That said, there's a disconnect - the magikarp's description of the trainer's gyarados is that they're sorry to attack the other magikarp, but then for his part he seems to be willing.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6657700/1/Stardust
[Her voice was faux-bright. Her words betrayed her feelings, how upset she was. The look on her face told him more than words ever could.]
Your writing sounds forced and repetitive.
[In Pallet town, ]
Also, if it's part of the name, it's capitalized too. It's Pallet Town.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6657717/1/Koukou_Days
Awful. This is just crappy original fiction.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6657769/1/Pokemon_A_Musical_Journey
Awful. And not the way you intended.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6658131/1/Stupid_Things_I_Wont_Do
Eh. Far too over the top.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6658184/1/Pokemon_DP_Contest_World
You really should reconsider your title.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6658367/1/Pokemon_mystery_dungeon_explorers_of_love
Capitalize your title properly.
Nonstory chapters are banned. Don't do that.
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6658399/1/World_From_A_Sphere
Meh, a bit too jumbled. There's a fine line between portraying something different so it's interesting and going so far it's just confusing.
[Hi everyone, this is my first story on fanfict so please bear with me.
Drew: Whatever nobody cares if this is your first story]
The horrible idea is right, no one does. Your writing is awful, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6657168/1/Just_a_Concert
Terrible, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6657177/1/It_Was_Only_A_Wish
[After yet another fight, ash ]
Proofread.
Write out numbers with letters.
You should never need to tell us what age the characters are.
[fantasizing about the bagel he was going to eat in a few minutes (Ash always ate a bagel after a good win, he himself was not quite sure why) ]
What made you think including this was necessary?
[Somehow his caterpie had managed to evolve into a butterfree in only two episodes. Don't ask me how. I could never get anything to evolve twice before getting out of that forest. The logic in this show is seriously screwed up. ]
I imagine you think this sort of aside is hilarious. It's not. It's just still more filler.
...and now, not content to recap in narration, you're having the characters recap to each other.
All you needed of the story was the last paragraph or so. Instead of dragging things out and then writing out a terribly boring argument, just say they had one and Ash is still mad about it.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6657249/1/Pokemon_Battle_World
[her sisters stern face ]
Use apostrophes for possessives.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
[Fiver assured her, the pokemon her older sister had lent her crawled over her shoulder to peek at the screen, to see his former trainer. ]
Your wording here hurts. "Fiver assured her AS the pokemon her older sister had lent her crawled over her shoulder to peek at the screen to see his former trainer." would work.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You really should use said more. Said is invisible. You should only use other words occasionally, when you mean to draw attention to how it's being said.
["So, as you can tell, I'm looking for adventure," ]
Why hasn't she just left to be a pokemon trainer, then?
Anyway, this is done pretty competently. I like where you've started it and it's always nice to see a trainer who didn't get their pokemon from a professor. You do a good job writing the battle scene as well. That said, it's not much different, plotwise, from the usual OT fic. Just a trainer being a trainer is hard to make interesting.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6657276/1/The_Chronicles_Of_Trainer_Zed
[Please not i don't have a beta reader yet so it my have a few mistakes and i know its a little short but the next few chapters will be longer i promise! ]
I'm just going to assume that was on purpose.
Write out numbers with letters.
[The boy had one blue eye, one brown eye and wore glasses. He looked around the age of 17. The boy wore a black long sleeved shirt, dark baggy jeans, a dark violet colored scarf that covered half of his head, and some dark violet colored gloves. The ends of the scarf nearly touched the ground. ]
He's a sue, huh?
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
[Zed had worked for Prof. Oak since he was ten, he could have gone on his pokemon journey but had decided to study pokemon with the professor for a few years first. ]
Seven years, apparently.
[He now finally felt he was ready to leave and make something of himself. ]
Considering how incredibly easy the basics of being a trainer are, this is like someone who stays in kindergarten for half a decade because they want to be sure they master fingerpainting before they move on trying to write letters.
[He looked over at the table that had the pokeballs of the kanto starters on it. Bulbasaur levels up quickly but I think I want more a challenge. Zed thought. Squirtles final form has a pretty high defense, but all the squirtles the Prof got this time all have serious attitudes. He shifted in his seat as he remembered that one had even bitten him. I guess that leaves Charmander, it'll be a bit of a challenge to raise but its finally form is powerful. ]
I always love watching writers struggle to rationalize why their supposedly well educated main character picks a charmander starter. I have to admit, "because my seven years of hands on experience working with pokemon haven't even been enough to qualify me to control a starting pokemon meant for preteens" is a new one.
[The next day Zed exited his house, he wore the same clothing as yesterday but also had a large bag filled with supplies for his journey. ]
...really.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6657308/1/Odes_to_the_Forgotten
[One never really thinks about the minor characters of the Poke-world. I mean, we all know Ash, Pikachu, Red - but what about the random Team Rocket grunt you crushed on your way through Goldenrod City, or the Clefable belonging to a trainer on Victory Road, so eager to get to the Pokemon League? ]
...you haven't read much fanfic, have you?
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Anyway, this is decent, but I don't think you really justify the ending. Why blow the final TM to give him a normal-type punch? Normal type isn't good against anything, it doesn't really cover any obvious weaknesses in the rest of his moveset, and it wouldn't even benefit from STAB. It'd make more sense for her to replace it with a support move or something.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6657308/2/Odes_to_the_Forgotten
Pretty good. That said, there's a disconnect - the magikarp's description of the trainer's gyarados is that they're sorry to attack the other magikarp, but then for his part he seems to be willing.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6657700/1/Stardust
[Her voice was faux-bright. Her words betrayed her feelings, how upset she was. The look on her face told him more than words ever could.]
Your writing sounds forced and repetitive.
[In Pallet town, ]
Also, if it's part of the name, it's capitalized too. It's Pallet Town.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6657717/1/Koukou_Days
Awful. This is just crappy original fiction.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6657769/1/Pokemon_A_Musical_Journey
Awful. And not the way you intended.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6658131/1/Stupid_Things_I_Wont_Do
Eh. Far too over the top.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6658184/1/Pokemon_DP_Contest_World
You really should reconsider your title.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6658367/1/Pokemon_mystery_dungeon_explorers_of_love
Capitalize your title properly.
Nonstory chapters are banned. Don't do that.
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6658399/1/World_From_A_Sphere
Meh, a bit too jumbled. There's a fine line between portraying something different so it's interesting and going so far it's just confusing.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2011-01-20 05:22 am (UTC)I once came across a writer whose screenname abbreviated to KKK. And that's exactly what she called herself in the obligatory obnoxious talking-to-the-muses sequence. I left a review urging her to reconsider that decision and never heard back.
no subject
Date: 2011-01-20 05:30 am (UTC)