Nare11, Day Twenty-five
Jan. 25th, 2011 11:57 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/6676114/1/A_new_glory_Subject_to_change
Capitalize your title properly.
The majority of your chapter shouldn't be author notes.
[pro-log]
Prologue.
[Since the age of thirteen she has taken part in the Pokemon Contests and has become somewhat of a local celebrity; she can't walk into a pokecentre or mall without turning at least a few heads and signing a couple autographs. Current date, Fawn is nineteen years old and in a recent turn for the worst her contest career took a nose dive, forcing her to resign. ]
It's obvious you have no idea what her skills are or what she was doing, and so her failing has to be just a plot fiat "suddenly she did".
[Fawn will be up against her most difficult foe, real life. She's been so use to being pampered in the lime light, will she keep it together when her looks and fame matter not?]
Being succeeding in contests is a skill-free endeavor and like all famous girls she was handed everything because she was pretty.
Faux sue fic that exists just to slap the character in the face for being good at something is worse than actual sue fic.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6676114/2/A_new_glory_Subject_to_change
[A loud ringing penetrated the thick darkness of the quiet town house, a quick hand came up and quelled the angry noise at four in the morning. Slowly bringing said hand to her eyes, Fawn wiped what little sleep she got away and yawned, stretched then stood up to greet the slowly growing light of the morning in her window frame.]
This is hideously overwritten and your sentence structure is a mess. Look, your sentences should be constructed around what's important in them. Reading this is like someone filming a movie by holding the camera an inch away from everything.
Waking up isn't even interesting. It doesn't need this much time and effort devoted to it.
[Getting dressed in the right cloths was the most important part of a first impression, nothing to flashy, pretty, but not revealing. Deep blue denim flared pants and a form fitting, long sleeved turtleneck, striped in thick bars of various shades of pink, the neck alone was all white. She glanced herself in the mirror and smiled, soon she would be in uniform so this ensemble was only temporary. ]
Clothes. And this doesn't matter. I don't know if you're trying to parody suefic or what, but you're not, you're just writing the exact same thing.
[While applying a few little dots of make-up under her eyes, to hide the dark circles of sleep deprivation, a bit of mauve eye shadow, a light coat of pastel fuchsia lipstick finally a helping of mascara and she was ready to take this job by the horns. ]
Seriously, while doing all that... then *what*? Your sentences are painful to read. Please, please get someone to beta read. Someone who actually knows what they're doing.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Taking her brush and tossing it in the bag with her make-up, she grabbed her wild pink hair and pulled it into a modest ponytail, she was sure to curl the end like a Happiny; just as her friends did when she was young, it was a juvenile style, but she thought it was too cute to discard. ]
Why did you put a semicolon in there at random? I agree your sentence is a massive, unweldy mess, but just break it up next time. Stop trying to make everything happen at once. She did not put her hair in a ponytail while throwing her brush in the bag while curling her hair.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[Her mother spoke as though they were still in the middle of conversing; in actuality they were ]
Then there's no "as though" to it. Arg, I'm just going to stop pointing this stuff out, basically every sentence has some major issue with it.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, in any other constructions like my/her/the mom it's written as such.
It's "okay", four letters.
[She bought one, with a shiny stone attached to the end of it, that was attached to some string tied to some paper with some kanji scrawled down, it read 'prosperity'. She knew it wouldn't bring luck, that was up to her, but the beauty of the jade piece the silk string held made the two-hundred yen purchase worthwhile. ]
And now it's gratuitous Japanese references. Also, two hundred yen is literally pocket change.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6676120/1/Different_Quest_from_the_Others
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[the cries of some Wingull's could be heard ]
Never use an apostrophe for a plural.
[a female Glaceon, the ice evolution of the cuddly Eevee ]
WE KNOW.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[For now, before any gym battles, she wants six Pok'emon that she could bond with. Not a poor Pok'emon that she caught in a Pok'eball. She saw it as a harsh tool. Pok'emon should decide who they wanted to be with, not as slaves to the Pok'eball. ]
So she has special sue beliefs that make her better than normal trainers.
[She got them on her tenth birthday as an egg; she never knew that she was going to get an Eevee, let alone two from the same egg. It was five years ago, since last week, that she got her two best friends. ]
Yup, sue.
[Icy was the Glaceon since birth. ]
Wow it just keeps going.
[Thinking she was stillborn, the young girl had hugged her with tears flowing. But when the tears had hit the Glaceon's fur, she started to move and whimper, the warmth from the girls body heating her body up enough to save her life. ]
It's honestly getting embarrassing.
[I told you, Baka!]
Don't use fangirl Japanese. Definitely don't capitalize your fangirl Japanese to make it even more irritating. While we're at it, you realize her brother has a girl's name?
"Your" is possessive, as in, your story, "you're" means "you are".
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6676183/1/Scheme_For_Love
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6676279/1/Where_the_Wild_Things_Are
["Man, you really suck at this game," Zekrom guffaws. ]
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[the legendary Pokemon ]
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
You're jumping between past and present tense. Don't do that.
You really should use said more. Said is invisible. You should only use other words occasionally, when you mean to draw attention to how it's being said.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6676298/1/Arranged_Love
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Spellcheck is not optional.
Don't capitalize random words.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6676425/1/This_cant_be_a_good_idea
Capitalize your title properly.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Terrible, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6676452/1/AaMl_The_Winter_Cookie
[a Pikachu ]
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You really should use said more. Said is invisible. You should only use other words occasionally, when you mean to draw attention to how it's being said.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6676883/1/The_Pokemon_Olympics_Remastered
Battles aren't inherently interesting, so opening with one isn't either.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6677410/1/The_Market
Huh. This is kind of interesting, but your main character is a cipher. He's a sociopath, except he apparently really hates his job and is deliberately fucking with it? For some reason he hates the system, except also he's a mass murderer.
[It was in his employee manual: any dosage of mild temperament over forty-four figures could cause severe mental damage. Dante measured out forty-five figures and set it aside.]
First, could and always does are two different things. If this guy didn't get damaged and hadn't become easily talked into traffic, he'd have probably noticed something wrong and even if he hadn't, the records would show the transfer while he'd be able to ID Dante as the one who did it.
Next, generally the rules reflect safe ranges, not the exact boundary. If forty-five is definite mental damage, as it seems by the fact Dante has no worry that the guy won't end up half braindead and able to report him, then forty-four should be extremely risky and banned as well.
...and it's just a matter of signing the wrong name? No one ever thinks to say "no wait, I didn't do it"? No one ever happens to have been talking to someone at the time and can prove they weren't there to do the transfer?
["That's awful," said Dante. He could win a prize for being such a good actor if he wanted. "Who was it?"]
Yeah, because talking calmly when you hear someone's been run over is such good acting. And then he asks for coffee just like all normal people would when they heard this.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Capitalize your title properly.
The majority of your chapter shouldn't be author notes.
[pro-log]
Prologue.
[Since the age of thirteen she has taken part in the Pokemon Contests and has become somewhat of a local celebrity; she can't walk into a pokecentre or mall without turning at least a few heads and signing a couple autographs. Current date, Fawn is nineteen years old and in a recent turn for the worst her contest career took a nose dive, forcing her to resign. ]
It's obvious you have no idea what her skills are or what she was doing, and so her failing has to be just a plot fiat "suddenly she did".
[Fawn will be up against her most difficult foe, real life. She's been so use to being pampered in the lime light, will she keep it together when her looks and fame matter not?]
Being succeeding in contests is a skill-free endeavor and like all famous girls she was handed everything because she was pretty.
Faux sue fic that exists just to slap the character in the face for being good at something is worse than actual sue fic.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6676114/2/A_new_glory_Subject_to_change
[A loud ringing penetrated the thick darkness of the quiet town house, a quick hand came up and quelled the angry noise at four in the morning. Slowly bringing said hand to her eyes, Fawn wiped what little sleep she got away and yawned, stretched then stood up to greet the slowly growing light of the morning in her window frame.]
This is hideously overwritten and your sentence structure is a mess. Look, your sentences should be constructed around what's important in them. Reading this is like someone filming a movie by holding the camera an inch away from everything.
Waking up isn't even interesting. It doesn't need this much time and effort devoted to it.
[Getting dressed in the right cloths was the most important part of a first impression, nothing to flashy, pretty, but not revealing. Deep blue denim flared pants and a form fitting, long sleeved turtleneck, striped in thick bars of various shades of pink, the neck alone was all white. She glanced herself in the mirror and smiled, soon she would be in uniform so this ensemble was only temporary. ]
Clothes. And this doesn't matter. I don't know if you're trying to parody suefic or what, but you're not, you're just writing the exact same thing.
[While applying a few little dots of make-up under her eyes, to hide the dark circles of sleep deprivation, a bit of mauve eye shadow, a light coat of pastel fuchsia lipstick finally a helping of mascara and she was ready to take this job by the horns. ]
Seriously, while doing all that... then *what*? Your sentences are painful to read. Please, please get someone to beta read. Someone who actually knows what they're doing.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Taking her brush and tossing it in the bag with her make-up, she grabbed her wild pink hair and pulled it into a modest ponytail, she was sure to curl the end like a Happiny; just as her friends did when she was young, it was a juvenile style, but she thought it was too cute to discard. ]
Why did you put a semicolon in there at random? I agree your sentence is a massive, unweldy mess, but just break it up next time. Stop trying to make everything happen at once. She did not put her hair in a ponytail while throwing her brush in the bag while curling her hair.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[Her mother spoke as though they were still in the middle of conversing; in actuality they were ]
Then there's no "as though" to it. Arg, I'm just going to stop pointing this stuff out, basically every sentence has some major issue with it.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, in any other constructions like my/her/the mom it's written as such.
It's "okay", four letters.
[She bought one, with a shiny stone attached to the end of it, that was attached to some string tied to some paper with some kanji scrawled down, it read 'prosperity'. She knew it wouldn't bring luck, that was up to her, but the beauty of the jade piece the silk string held made the two-hundred yen purchase worthwhile. ]
And now it's gratuitous Japanese references. Also, two hundred yen is literally pocket change.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6676120/1/Different_Quest_from_the_Others
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[the cries of some Wingull's could be heard ]
Never use an apostrophe for a plural.
[a female Glaceon, the ice evolution of the cuddly Eevee ]
WE KNOW.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[For now, before any gym battles, she wants six Pok'emon that she could bond with. Not a poor Pok'emon that she caught in a Pok'eball. She saw it as a harsh tool. Pok'emon should decide who they wanted to be with, not as slaves to the Pok'eball. ]
So she has special sue beliefs that make her better than normal trainers.
[She got them on her tenth birthday as an egg; she never knew that she was going to get an Eevee, let alone two from the same egg. It was five years ago, since last week, that she got her two best friends. ]
Yup, sue.
[Icy was the Glaceon since birth. ]
Wow it just keeps going.
[Thinking she was stillborn, the young girl had hugged her with tears flowing. But when the tears had hit the Glaceon's fur, she started to move and whimper, the warmth from the girls body heating her body up enough to save her life. ]
It's honestly getting embarrassing.
[I told you, Baka!]
Don't use fangirl Japanese. Definitely don't capitalize your fangirl Japanese to make it even more irritating. While we're at it, you realize her brother has a girl's name?
"Your" is possessive, as in, your story, "you're" means "you are".
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6676183/1/Scheme_For_Love
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6676279/1/Where_the_Wild_Things_Are
["Man, you really suck at this game," Zekrom guffaws. ]
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[the legendary Pokemon ]
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
You're jumping between past and present tense. Don't do that.
You really should use said more. Said is invisible. You should only use other words occasionally, when you mean to draw attention to how it's being said.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6676298/1/Arranged_Love
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Spellcheck is not optional.
Don't capitalize random words.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6676425/1/This_cant_be_a_good_idea
Capitalize your title properly.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Terrible, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6676452/1/AaMl_The_Winter_Cookie
[a Pikachu ]
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You really should use said more. Said is invisible. You should only use other words occasionally, when you mean to draw attention to how it's being said.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6676883/1/The_Pokemon_Olympics_Remastered
Battles aren't inherently interesting, so opening with one isn't either.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6677410/1/The_Market
Huh. This is kind of interesting, but your main character is a cipher. He's a sociopath, except he apparently really hates his job and is deliberately fucking with it? For some reason he hates the system, except also he's a mass murderer.
[It was in his employee manual: any dosage of mild temperament over forty-four figures could cause severe mental damage. Dante measured out forty-five figures and set it aside.]
First, could and always does are two different things. If this guy didn't get damaged and hadn't become easily talked into traffic, he'd have probably noticed something wrong and even if he hadn't, the records would show the transfer while he'd be able to ID Dante as the one who did it.
Next, generally the rules reflect safe ranges, not the exact boundary. If forty-five is definite mental damage, as it seems by the fact Dante has no worry that the guy won't end up half braindead and able to report him, then forty-four should be extremely risky and banned as well.
...and it's just a matter of signing the wrong name? No one ever thinks to say "no wait, I didn't do it"? No one ever happens to have been talking to someone at the time and can prove they weren't there to do the transfer?
["That's awful," said Dante. He could win a prize for being such a good actor if he wanted. "Who was it?"]
Yeah, because talking calmly when you hear someone's been run over is such good acting. And then he asks for coffee just like all normal people would when they heard this.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
TheNooby here
Date: 2011-01-26 05:55 pm (UTC)Great sense of humor, by the way.
Re: TheNooby here
Date: 2011-01-26 06:06 pm (UTC)On a side note, I respelled the prologue's title (which, I assume, was where you stopped reading XD).
Re: TheNooby here
Date: 2011-01-26 06:28 pm (UTC)Re: TheNooby here
Date: 2011-02-01 01:02 am (UTC)